Potential Heirloom Ring Etiquette

[Ripley79]

Last night by BFs mom asked in passing if I would ever consider a family heirloom ring because she went and got it out of the safety deposit box that morning. I was shocked as it is completely unexpected in every way. My BF and I have been dating for nearly 3 years and just bought a house a few months ago. We (or rather I) talk about marriage all of the time, and although he has said he will be marrying me, when it will happen is the big question. So, this question caught me totally off guard and now I am completely confused as to what to do. I told his mom that I had never considered an heirloom ring before and was unsure how I would feel about it. Which is true. After lurking on PS for a while I am kind of set on a 1ct AVC in a Leon Mege simple solitaire (no pave) setting. Something timeless and classic. She stated that the heirloom is somewhat smaller than the stones I have been drooling over. Not sure about anything else. Here is the problem, as i am not necessarily keen on an heirloom ring (although if the stone is nice i would certainly consider resetting it if that were acceptable to her), how do I address this without hurting her feelings? She did mention that it would be a great "starter ring" for me. I am not really looking for a starter ring, I would like something that I plan to wear for the next 40-50 years. No plans to upgrade!

Help please!!

 

[slg47]

oh gosh...i don't know what to do in this situation...maybe your BF can address it?

 

[Nashville]

Tough call. It might mean a lot to her. If I had my heart set on a particular ring, I'd probably ask my boyfriend to say "Mom, I really appreciate it, but I want to pick out the ring myself."

 

[jewellk]

Yeah, that's a tough situation. I think Nashville's advice is right on.

Edited: Sorry you're in this situation! I hope it works out!

 

[Trekkie]

Awesome - you don't have to pay for a ring! That means you have extra money to put towards your wedding or a particularly sybaritic honeymoon!

If the ring is not quite to your taste, you could personalise it by blinging it up with a luscious LM eternity band on either side? Or something similar...?

Do come back with photos - we'd love to see them. Heirlooms have a special mystery of their own. Who knows, maybe it's a beautiful OEC or OMC and you'll fall in love the moment you see it!

 

[rosetta]

Have a look at the ring first before you reach any decisions

 

[PrincessNatalie]

A firm but friendly "No thank you, we have our hearts set on something else".

 

[Amys Bling]

Ouch, tough call. Ok, you have already stated that you don't think you really want this ring. Hmm, I understand where you are coming from, if I had my heart set on something, I would be disappointed in getting something else.

Have you seen the ring? I would first see if I could get a look at it... (although maybe it would be more insulting to see the ring and then say NO to it- implying it wasn't good enough for you than if you said no from the get go)

I have found that after I got my Ering I drooled over tons of different rings here, saying to myself, "I would have been happy with ________" I LOVE my ring, but I feel that after researching more there were many rings I would have been happy with.

Maybe a 3 stone ring- if she will let you take out the stone (maybe you could keep the setting and reset a birthstone in it for your MIL...) Three stone rings definitely give more size as you were saying that this stone is smaller than what you had your eye on...

Maybe you can have you BF talk to her and try to steer her in another direction- setting the stone in a pendant and passing it onto the daughter-DIL on the wedding day to wear....

I would LOVE to have had an heirloom stone in my family, sadly there were none to pass to me, but I do get the idea of wanting what you want.

You could just have your bf tell her he wanted to pick something out special for you...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Maybe your bf really wants to make you happy and give you the engagement you want but can't afford the ring you have your heart set on. What's more important, the ring or the commitment? I understand where you're coming from with the ring you want, I was there once too, but I think you need to tread very lightly here because you're entering into a minefield that could affect your marriage and your relationship with MIL for years to come. I would tell her you're looking forward more to marrying her son when he's ready and while you two had a ring in mind, you recognize the sentimentality behind the heirloom ring, you're not 100% sure of BF's plans for the proposal and want to leave it up to him. BFknows what you want (the Leon), but ultimately if he wants to give you the ring then it's his choice.

 

[Ripley79]

Thanks everyone. BF certainly knows the type of ring that I want. He also knows that since we are both graduate students I have offered (and plan to force the issue when he refuses to agree) to pay for at least half of the ring b/c I realize that the ring is more of a factor for me than for him. I would marry this man for a ring-pop (just not grape flavored...hee hee). And his mother certainly knows that as we have talked about it many times. I love the fact that she would want to pass something down to me and if it is that important to her and my BF i will happily accept, with condition that resetting be a consideration if it is not something that fits my very simple style. I would never want to hurt her feelings or his. After everyone's advice I think I will carefully mention to my BF what his mom said to me. I highly doubt he knows anything about it. I think I will let him scope it out and see what he thinks, he knows me incredibly well and will know the best way to approach the situation with his mom. For all I know it is the perfect ring and again in the end, I have the perfect man in my life who I cannot wait to eventually marry. I am just super confused as this is the first inkling that I have had that any proposal with any ring at all will be happening in a tangible amount of time.

 

[Amys Bling]

Well, I am grade that someone else just brought it up....after I responded to your thread I started thinking, "maybe the BF asked his mom about the ring because of financial or sentimental reasons and the future MIL brought it up to you in order to test the waters and see your reaction". Is there a possibility that he was the one thinking of passing the ring onto you for whatever reason....whether financial or tradition or sentimental value to him/his family?

 

[Amys Bling]

oooh, and also- maybe the idea of splitting the cost of the ring doesn't sit well with him and he wants to do it on his own....???

My bestfriend and I had a pact that when it came time, we would inform the SO of the style of ring we wanted. So.... her SO told me he was looking. I knew she had her heart on a 3 stone ring- either 3 RB or 2 RB flanking an oval. I told him she was in love with that ring, and he made the remark (they just bought a house withint 3 months) that "wow, those are pretty expensive.." Now he never shared his budget so I couldn't exactly hunt down stones/a ring for him, but I made mention of the fact that she was also a big fan of the tiffany style setting- RB solitaire. No further consultation from me or anyone else he went to the "jewelry exchange" and bough a ring the next day. I feel terrible that she didn't get the dream ring for her proposal! Apparently there is a jeweler in the family, AND her mom had a pair of RB studs and her engagement ring from her deceased husband that she offered to him to use for stones.... He took no ones advice and did what he wanted.


Sorry for threadjacking- BUT my point is this- maybe your BF wants to do it on his own, financially and physically go and do it on his own. Maybe the dream ring isn't in the cards now financially and he will do what he thinks is best.... so maybe that is where this heirloom ring idea came from- his mom or him- thinking of what he can do at this point in time....

 

[redhead_23]

It might have been better if she had approached your boyfriend rather than you. My MIL told both her sons that she had rings for them, from previous marriages, but strangely enough when my husband proposed, she never offered it to him, even though she knew he was getting ready to propose. I'm not really sure why she didn't offer it to him then, especially since the ring was in a solitaire setting that was exactly my size (a 4). However, she did give me the ring 5 and a half years later, right after I had my son. Maybe I had to give the family a male heir first or something? LOL. Kidding. Maybe. In my case, the diamond was gorgeous, a 1.31 carat OEC with over a century worth of family history. I absolutely love it! I knew immediately that I wanted it reset, it was just in a plain yellow gold solitaire. She loves the new setting too, so that all went smoothly!

With my brother-in-law, she offered him the stone, a .8 carat round brilliant, and he took it, but made it clear that he already knew what he wanted to get his fiancee, a 2 carat RB, so he's just saving the stone to be set in a necklace or something. All of this is a very roundabout way of saying, I would mention the offer to your boyfriend and have him talk to her about it. Perhaps it is a meaningful family stone, if so, maybe you can find a way to incorporate it into your ring if it's not to your liking as is. Or set it in a pendant to wear at your wedding. Good luck!

 

[iheartscience]

If you don't want it, don't accept it. My husband's mother offered him her ring from a previous marriage and he told her that it wasn't the style I wanted, but thank you anyway. I wasn't keen on the idea of having a diamond from a divorce (silly superstition, I know, but it's the same reason I didn't go for an antique diamond) and it was a 3 stone with RBs and I wanted a radiant or asscher.

Luckily I wasn't involved in the conversation, because I can imagine it would be really awkward to turn down the future MIL!

 

[iota15]

Have your boyfriend tell her that HE has his eye on something else but thank you for the incredibly generous offer.

 

[Ripley79]

Update: I finally got the nerve to mention this whole thing to my BF. He said that he didn't know anything about the existence of this ring until Saturday when his mom told him and then offered to show it to him. He was surprised that she would mention the ring to me. He told his mom he wasn't sure if he would be interested in an heirloom ring. I explained my feelings to him and he seemed to understand. He agreed that the whole thing was kind of awkward and unexpected. Then he asked what would happen if he didn't have a ring for me. I said that I would marry him even if he proposed with an onion ring. After joking that then I would be forced to get the onion ring bronzed to wear for the rest of my life...he asked if that meant we would go pick a ring together later. I said sure.

Not sure what to think at this point since this is the first time(s) that we have talked about getting engaged that makes it seem real and as if he is starting to plan something! YAY!!!

 

[slg47]

oh that is so sweet! i am glad you two talked about it

 

[Amys Bling]

I'm glad you two talked about it!

I know you have your heart set on a 1 ct AVC in a solitaire setting, but since he mentioned to you "What would happen if I didn't have a ring for you?" Kind of leads me to believe that he is concerned he won't have the money for the ring you desire when it comes time to propose..... Would you consider taking the heirloom ring as a temp ring instead of the onion ring??? haha. In all seriousness, it seems as though he wants to get you the ring you desire--- and pay for it--- but might not be there financially in time for when he wants to propose...maybe the heirloom as a temp ring would be nice until he can take you to pick out the ring of your dreams, your forever ring.

You can tell me to shut up if you would like, just thought I would throw it out there...

 

[Ripley79]

Ha ha! Nope not going to tell anyone to shut up. I appreciate the advice. I know that money isn't really a problem in that he has the funds to spend, it is more a matter of what he wants to spend We did talk about whether or not he will let me pay for half of this purchase since I know it is way more important to me than for him. He said he wasn't sure if he will let me pay for anything, we shall see what happens. For now, a girl can dream about a nice AVC/LM creation. And maybe go try on a few just in case. I mean it's far more practical than an onion ring...right!?! Hee hee.

 

[Amys Bling]

definitely more practical than an onion ring...I'm a fast food junkie and I am trying to change that habbut before my wedding next year...but the fast food lover in me would eat that onion ring faster than he could put it on my finger..

 

[Dancing Fire]

Last night by BFs mom asked in passing if I would ever consider a family heirloom ring because she went and got it out of the safety deposit box that morning. I was shocked as it is completely unexpected in every way. My BF and I have been dating for nearly 3 years and just bought a house a few months ago. We (or rather I) talk about marriage all of the time, and although he has said he will be marrying me, when it will happen is the big question. So, this question caught me totally off guard and now I am completely confused as to what to do. I told his mom that I had never considered an heirloom ring before and was unsure how I would feel about it. Which is true. After lurking on PS for a while I am kind of set on a 1ct AVC in a Leon Mege simple solitaire (no pave) setting. Something timeless and classic. She stated that the heirloom is somewhat smaller than the stones I have been drooling over. Not sure about anything else. Here is the problem, as i am not necessarily keen on an heirloom ring (although if the stone is nice i would certainly consider resetting it if that were acceptable to her), how do I address this without hurting her feelings? She did mention that it would be a great "starter ring" for me. I am not really looking for a starter ring, I would like something that I plan to wear for the next 40-50 years. No plans to upgrade!

Help please!!

yes,reset the stone and wear it on your right hand.

 

[shihtzulover]

I'm glad that you talked to your SO, and that he seems to be so understanding about the whole situation.

I'm like you - I know exactly what I want. Also, I know this might sound crazy, but I would rather that my SO and I pick out for us together, and not have a heirloom ring. It would never truly feel like 'ours' to me.

Luckily, my SO and I picked out the ring together, and it's exactly (and actually way better than) what I wanted. I did have a serious boyfriend in college though, and we talked about getting engaged in the distant future (which obviously never happened). Even back then I knew what I wanted (princess cut), but his mom offered to give us a heirloom ring if that time ever came. He thought it would be a good idea, but I wasn't too keen on it. It could have been reset, but it would never be my dream princess cut ring. We never discussed the issue further though, since the engagement would have been so far away - and it was obviously never worth wasting time on, since we split up several months later.