Perspective during the Waiting Period?

[CNYHopeful]

Hey ladies, i just wanted to throw a different kind of question out there. LIW is a great place to share what we look forward to in a future engagement and marriage and that''s been really helpful to me. But I was thinking about how best to spend the "waiting period". So, I guess what I''m wondering is this:

What do you look forward to with your BF while you''re still dating him? What areas are you working on now to better prepare for marriage? What helps you keep perpsective in the meantime? I''m looking forward to getting your thoughts on this.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I think this is a great, great topic, CNY!

FI & I have seriously considered reading some pre-marriage books. Typically I''m anti-self-help-relationship-help literature, but his best friend just got married (today!) and recommended some. "For Men Only" and "For Women Only," specifically. We''ve also discussed pre-marriage counseling, which our future officiant requires.

Other than that, we''re carrying on as usual!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

CNY, This is a fantastic topic.

I pass the time (other than here!) by trying to remember that being engaged and preparing a wedding will only take a few months (maybe a year) and then we better be prepared to be married for the rest of our lives without that attention. I know that marriage is very important to both of us and we have really gotten to know each other over the last couple of years (we were friends for about 8 months before we started dating).

One of the biggest things for us was money management. BF makes a substantial amount of money more than me, but he also has two children that live with us full time that are HIS sole responsibility (at least until we are married). His former wife didn''t often have a stable job, but she always had constant credit card debt. So finances are very important to him (he wants to know that if he is trusting me with his money and assets, that I won''t mismanage them).

I really look forward to our "Date Nights" when the kids are with BM or sitters and it''s just me and him. Sometimes, we don''t even go out, but it''s fun to curl up next to him to watch a DVD or clear out our TiVo! And definitely planning our next adventure is high for us. It doesn''t matter if we are taking the kids or getting away just the two of us, we LOVE to travel and it''s always fun to go away and get to know another place and discover things about each other we would have never otherwise have known!) I never knew he was a Mini-Macguyver until I saw him get out his eyeglass repair kit to fix my shoe in a subway in Tokyo! And he would have never known that I can find my way around with just a map until my passport was stolen in Madrid and we had to split up to file police reports and cancel credit cards! Who knew we made such an excellent team? (We are thinking of signing up for The Amazing Race next!)

 

[purselover]

I agree this is def a great topic, especially the part about how you keep things in perspective. I think for many people it is easy to get swept up in wanting to get engaged, getting the ring, getting married etc, especially once they feel they''ve been together "long enough" to get engaged, and they see friends who are getting married after being together for less time then they have. My last point I have seen so many examples of lately in posts. Marriage is not a race it is a life long commitment. Just because you know people who have been together for less time than you and your SO does not mean you should be in a rush to get married as well. For all you know in 5 years they will be divorced, but you will still be with your SO b/c you did not rush and instead maturely made a decision to commit when it was right, not when you thought you were supposed to. Marriage has such a high failure rate and in IMO it is b/c people don''t think it through enough and aren''t together long enough to make such a commitment. For me I feel like I have my whole life to be married. There is no rush!! In order to spend their lives together 2 people need time to get to know each other, time to grow, time to plan a future. I''d rather be the last of my friends to get married, but at least stay married!! What satisfaction is there in being the first one married, if you''re just going to be the first one divorced?

Sorry if I sound cynical I just think sometimes we all need a good dose of perspective

Rant over

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Ive been keeping my eye on this post - I'm surprised more people having posted! I've really enjoyed reading the posts that came up though.

I think my situation is a little different. Since the BF and I dont live together and he's on deployment at the moment, I tend to look forward to just seeing him- forget what we do during that time. I am looking forward to spending a good solid block of time together when he gets home though, just enjoying the end of our first separation because of the military and spending some relaxing time with family and friends together. I know hes not going to propose as soon as he gets home (soon as in for a couple months or more) and Im happy for that because if it happened right away I feel like itd be a whirlwind of emotions and happiness and homecoming and then planning and that'd overwhelm me.

I look forward to spending time with him out to dinner, or taking a nice long walk at night just chatting about whatever pops into our minds. I like laying on the couch with him after a long day and falling asleep watching a movie (usually a kids movie he loves the animated stuff

) I also love hiking or camping with him. It seems like the more things we do the more I'm still learning about him. Theres always a childhood memory that comes up or a funny story. I just love being around him.

... what areas have we been working on?? Well, I'm trying not to worry so much. I know that he has the ability to calm me down and I think sometimes I take advantage of that and dont rely on myself enough for peace of mind. When I'm getting all worked up and worried and he's tired of hearing the same complaints and hesitations that hes already talked to me about it can cause tension and he does get impatient sometimes, rightfully so in most cases. Im working on making myself stronger so that I dont have to rely on him for that peace of mind as much and in return it'll allow me to grow into a better partner for him. We've also been trying to keep one another active and eating healthy (not working out as well long distance) I find it hard to get the energy to work out as often as I need to and he pushes me almost to the point where I'm annoyed - go work out because I'm annoyed - then come back and thank him hah

My job is to remind him that it only takes him 20 minutes to run a good amount of miles and that he can go do that then go home after and nap 20 minutes longer instead of skipping the running and napping from a long day. Im also trying to enlighten him with his eating habits a little. He went from working out multiple times a day at military school to going to work and coming home and vegging on the couch - without changing is food habits or appetite. He's agreed that he needs to cut down on the amount of steak he eats (ha whatta mans man) I want us to be able to have a good mix of healthy food and some indulgences when we go food shopping in the future without feeling like one of us is forcing their diet on another. Aside from fish, I dont eat meat and like I said he loves steak and most meats so we're trying to slowly merge those two diets together.

The things that help me keep perspective in the mean time are - First off, we're still substantially young. We've both had challenging lives and have a certain sense of maturity that comes with that but we still have more then enough time to enjoy being engaged and then married. It makes me happy to know that we havent rushed like some but arent afraid of such a commitment like others- that we'll find a happy place somewhere in the middle. I also, maybe I'm sick, kind of like the anticipation of this whole LIW thing and I'll miss aspects of it once I'm engaged - so that keeps me thinking positive

sorry for the long post!!

 

[I Like Diamonds]

Date: 11/9/2008 1:06:51 AM
Author:CNYHopeful
Hey ladies, i just wanted to throw a different kind of question out there. LIW is a great place to share what we look forward to in a future engagement and marriage and that''s been really helpful to me. But I was thinking about how best to spend the ''waiting period''. So, I guess what I''m wondering is this:


What do you look forward to with your BF while you''re still dating him? What areas are you working on now to better prepare for marriage? What helps you keep perpsective in the meantime? I''m looking forward to getting your thoughts on this.

Where are you in CNY?
Anywho...BF and I have been together for 7 + years. We are constantly working on us. Someone once told us that there are 3 rules to live by.
1. Be each others best friend...An absolute must. He is my first phone call with anything important and that last phone call I make before I go to sleep.
2. Remember the little things...Even if it is just picking up your socks.
3. DATE! Just b/c you''ve been together for a long time doesn''t mean you shouldn''t date!!! (People still find it funny when I tell them I have to go b/c I have a date-it throws them for a loop)

So, date nights are very important, we travel, we just sit in front of the TV and watch movies and eat take out. I alway look forward to time with him and the things that we do-Sometimes that is just going to Target. After 7 years-we''re just waiting on the ring. I don''t think there is much to change at this point. There are still some days when he does something that surprises me or irritates me or makes me mushy...either way that is him and I can''t change that-and I wouldn''t want to.
Keeping perspective...I was the last in my high school group to date, be kissed, have sxx, and now the last one to get married and the last to have kids. A friend of mine once told me...while all my other friends were getting divorced BF and I had what it took to make it long term. I think she was right.

I hope this helped. I look forward to hearing where you are from...I''m in CNY too.

 

[CNYHopeful]

I Like Diamonds - I live in Minoa, just to the east of Syracuse. Where abouts are you in CNY?

PilsnPinkiesMom, thanks for the book references. We''ll have to take a look.

This is great. It''s so good to hear how others are trying to keep balance and make the most of the waiting time. I''ve come to realize that as much as I feel like SO and I are ready to move to the next stage, now''s such a great opportunity to grow as a couple even more. We''ve talked a great deal about the important issues, like finances, kids, and hopes for our future. Yet there''s still more to learn about each other and enjoy as a dating couple.

Also, it''s easy to overlook little things that might become issues in the future. It''ll be much easier to try to develop healthy ways of dealing with them now. My SO and I are very fortunate to have a very open and understanding relationship. From the very beginning, we''ve both been very transparent with each other. Yet we still can work on communication. For instance, something really bothered me the other day. After we agreed we''d both go to something with his mother, she decided to go at a time that I happend to be working. There was no ill will. BF figured it would be best to go when it was convenient with her and did not plan to tell me til later.

It bothered me, yet I understood the circumstances and his reasoning. I''m told him that I trust his judgment and understand the reasoning behind this particular circumstance, but we need to discuss these things together if our plans are changing, even if based on outside factors. He seemed to understand. A simple thing, but a small pet peeve that could be an issue in the future. So we''ll work on communication. I also can nag him less because it really doesn''t help either of us.

Let me know if you think of anything else. Thanks!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

What do you look forward to with your BF while you''re still dating him?

Getting to know each other better, getting more confortable with each other. This weekend we both had big projects to do, so he came over and we sat down side by side and did our work. We also went grocery shopping together, and the gym. I thought it was really cute when he looked at me and said "Wow, I didn''t know how much fun just staying at home could be."

Of couse I love date nights, and I love the ways he goes out of his way to make me feel better when I am having a bad time at work. I also love having someone to test my cooking on, and he loves the food.

What areas are you working on now to better prepare for marriage?

Communication is number one. Me and my BF both can jump to conclusions and get worked up over nothing. I think things have gotten so much better over the last several months. But I think there is still room for improvement.

Compromise is number two. We both can have a strong head. We have been talking about potential road bumps along the road, and have found some disaggrements. They are not on the big things (money, kids, places to live), but smaller things. But we are both willing to bend a little.

What helps you keep perpsective in the meantime?

I am having a hard time with that right now. So many people around me are getting engaged, and everyone always asks me when I am. I have a few things I tell myself. First is that me and my BF do not operate on other people''s timeline. I remind myself that we have been together for a year and a half and that is not that long. Most of these friends who are getting engaged have been together for less than a year, and with enough people doing it, it starts to seem normal. I have to reset myself to remember that I am not waiting an excessive amount of time even though it seems everyone is waiting for a shorter period of time.

I also have to remind myslef that once people get engaged, and go though all that fun that involves a wedding, it is over. Everyone has their time, and I hope for me it happens at the right time.

 

[jcarlylew82]

What helps you keep perpsective in the meantime?
This is going to sound really strange, but, what helps me is when we get into arguments or fights. I always love him in the end (even if he is being a total butt head) but it does help me slow down, and not get caught up in all the hype. its like life''s little reminder that you need to work as a team, and until then, SLOW DOWN.

 

[CNYHopeful]

That''s so cute, LtlFirecracker. It''s so important to be able to enjoy each other''s company doing absolutely nothing. Most of marriage will be a whole lot of doing "nothing" spectacular but it''s that deep love and enjoyment just being in each other''s presence that will help you to be stronger over time.

It''s also nice to enjoy the date nights. My SO and I agreed that it''ll be especially important that we continue having a special night with each other when we''re married, especially when we have kids.

So ladies, enjoy all of the date nights and special things you can enjoy with each other now as a dating couple. It''s little memories you make now that will be enjoyed for many years to come. For instance, my SO''s band got kicked out of a charity event this weekend for being too loud. We had a nice dinner with his family afterwards to let off some steam. That''ll be one to remember for a long time, lol.

 

[megster84]

I too am surprised this isn''t blowing up the boards...anywho, I feel the push sometimes to get married sooner rather than later. We always hear the "So, when are you two going to get married?" comment at other peoples weddings since we are "next in line" because we have been together almost 4 years. It wasn''t until recently that I felt that I was really ready to start moving towards that next step. My mother instilled in me that it was important to truly be your own person. If you aren''t, how can you expect to contribute to the relationship fully. For me, becoming the person that I am and love being has taken some time and help from FF, but I am glad that we didn''t rush into anything.

All of my girlfriends ask me how FF and I keep it together without fighting (which we rarely do, tiffs sure, fights rarely) and I say it is because we are thankful of one another and talk about any and everything. No matter what he does around the house (take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, pay rent) big or small I try to remember to say thank you. It sounds silly, but he says that it means a lot to him that I appreciate the things he does. I don''t "expect" him to take out the trash (hehe I sort of do) I realize that there are plenty of boyfriends who don''t do much around the house or in a relationship so I am thankful I am with a guy who is really giving. We also talk about everything, no matter how messy, we have to, if I can''t tell him something now, how will we ever make it? Just my .02...

I would be interested to hear about relationship lessons any of you ladies have learned, mistakes we can learn from each other?

 

[CNYHopeful]

Very good points, thanks Megster!

I think one of the mistakes I made was harping too much about getting married or engaged by a certain point. It took his mother saying that he has a plan and I should just relax for me to realize that I needed to "chill". I can see that he''s a lot less tense since then and we''ve really just been enjoying our time together. It is also making it easier for him to look forward to engagement and takes the unnecessary pressure off of feeling like he''s letting me down by not having proposed yet. So that''s the biggest thing I''ve gotten so far.

Anyone else have other thoughts?

 

[Dreamgirl]

What do you look forward to with your BF while you're still dating him?
Settling into our careers. I finally landed my dream job just about 2 months ago. I plan on staying here quite a long time so long as they keep me. FF on the other hand, has been searching for a job within the government but has yet to get his dream job. So right now he is at his current job wishing and hoping every day that the right job comes along and they call him in for an interview. I have the opportunity to save most of the money that I will be making and I am saving this money for us to have after we are married. It will be most helpful in paying for the wedding, a house, etc. FF would finally be able to make more money which then lets him save more money which will hopefully be saved up for my dream ring along with future purchases as husband and wife.

What areas are you working on now to better prepare for marriage?
We have been together for 10 years. So it's not like I need to get to know him or anything like that. Saving money is one thing. He finished school in May with his B.S. (worked full time, school part time.) So we have had more time to spend with each other since this past May.

I’ve personally been working on preparing myself for the next step in my life. I am 27, but I’m the type of person that doesn’t like change. So even though I want to get married VERY BADLY, it's hard for me because I like being home (I am a huge family person) and spending time with my Mother (who happens to be my very best friend) and I realize that if I get married, I wont get to spend as much time with her....(I try to remind myself though that I love being with FF and when I am with him, I am VERY happy

) I am getting better at that......or TRYING very hard not to worry about the future. (Which I still happen to fail at.) Because I worry A LOT about what the road ahead brings and I think that is because I like to have everything planned out. But I’m working on that too.

I realize that at my age, things are going to start changing very rapidly. Which is a good thing. So, because I don’t like change, I’m trying to understand that change can be a very good thing and that everything is going to be fine!

What helps you keep perspective in the meantime?
PS has been a really great environment for me to hang around at and listen to all the stories that are shared. My LIWitis (if you will) has been more under check than before I joined this wonderful group of people. I still have my moments, but for the most part I have them under control. Either that, or PS is the place for me to be and let all my LIWitis out!!![/i]

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 11/10/2008 4:14:24 PM
Author: CNYHopeful
Very good points, thanks Megster!

I think one of the mistakes I made was harping too much about getting married or engaged by a certain point. It took his mother saying that he has a plan and I should just relax for me to realize that I needed to ''chill''. I can see that he''s a lot less tense since then and we''ve really just been enjoying our time together. It is also making it easier for him to look forward to engagement and takes the unnecessary pressure off of feeling like he''s letting me down by not having proposed yet. So that''s the biggest thing I''ve gotten so far.

Anyone else have other thoughts?

That is one of the things I like about this fourm, I feel like it is a place to come back to get prospective on what couples outside my little bubble are doing. I think the age thing is something that can play a stress into the marrage thing. I am 29, many of my friends are either 30 or hitting 30 and it is like all of the sudden "OMG I am 30 and not married!" I have had to learn to get over that and realize that the life cycle of a relationship is not always in sync with our biological age.