Over 30 Baby ''Urges''

[Erin]

My view used to be - they''re cute until they start crying or throwing a drama fit, then I''ll happily give them back to mom or dad.''

Now I find myself coming up with creative ways to distract toddlers to ''help'' the parents. In the case of my friend''s 2 yr old daughter, I find myself helping her count and name colors. I''m jealous when I find out people are expecting.

What''s happening? I always believed parenting was solely a choice you make at the right time. Now I truely feel my bio clock is yearning. I don''t have enough energy to want an engagement ring AND a baby. That''s system overload!

 

[elepri]

When did you start feeling this way? Because I''m now 30 and I"m still waiting for that maternal urge to kick in. My friends are only now starting to have kids so maybe it has something to do with it but I still find them cute only in small doses. I sort of want kids, hypothetically, in a few years but i''m beginning to wonder if I''ll ever feel a strong desire to have them. I get so much more excited when a see a cute puppy on the street than a cute baby. I thought it would change with age but so far it hasn''t.

 

[Erin]

I don't know when - it's like this feeling has been here for a few months but not enough to even give it any thought. This slow creeping urge has finally surfaced to a level that I can now recognize and look back and say, omg it's here and it's getting stronger.

I just turned thirty in July. This feeling has been around for months but it's only become an eye opener in the last week, maybe? Now that I think about it, I'm probably ovulating right now - does that make this bio clock thing any more real?

Oh, and another thing, my bf and I just recently moved from Chicago to this very small town where most people are married with 2.5 kids by 28. I'm sure that's a huge factor in my case.

(I'll pull a SATC here) - I can't help but wonder....Is my body telling me that because I'm 30 I should have children or is it because I'm 30 I'm telling my body I should have children?

 

[Mara]

eeeeeee!! kids!!!

they still frighten us. cute and all but definitely in that 'here's your child back' scenario. a few of our friends have kids and we like when they visit and like to play with them and entertain them, but we are also glad to see them go!

we figure that in maybe 4-5 years MAYBE we'll be ready..but who knows. life is what happens when you are making plans!...

oh and i will turn 31 in oct this year...greg is 37. and thank god he isn't feeling any urges yet since i'm the one who'd have to bear the fruit!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

They say that you are a product of your environment- maybe that''s why you''re now getting those urges.

I''m 34 (just turned), and don''t feel the urge at all! Maybe ''cause most of my friends are single or are childless couples. I also live at the beach here in L.A, and the lifestyle is different. Not suburbia at all.

elepri- I''m with you- don''t care for the kids, but will get all excited when I see a dog!

 

[Demelza]

I can definitely relate to what you''re saying, Starset. I turned 30 about 2 weeks ago and for the last week I''ve been having strong urges to have a baby. Actually, last night I had a dream I was pregnant. My husband still wants to stick to our plan to wait until next summer to start trying, which is kind of frustrating for me, but obviously it''s very important to be on the same page with such an enormous life-changing decision. I used to think I would never want kids, then I started thinking that maybe one day it wouldn''t be so bad, then about a year ago I started feeling like it was definitely something I wanted to do and in the not so distant future. I''m actually not that into kids -- I think they''re cute and endearing, but I get kind of bored after a while -- but I really think it''s different with your own child. Also, most of my closest friends are pregnant right now. They''re all a few years older than me, but I do think that seeing them go through the process has influenced me to want it even sooner.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Date: 9/10/2005 12:00:59 PM
Author: elepri
When did you start feeling this way? Because I''m now 30 and I''m still waiting for that maternal urge to kick in. My friends are only now starting to have kids so maybe it has something to do with it but I still find them cute only in small doses. I sort of want kids, hypothetically, in a few years but i''m beginning to wonder if I''ll ever feel a strong desire to have them. I get so much more excited when a see a cute puppy on the street than a cute baby. I thought it would change with age but so far it hasn''t.

OMG- were we separated at birth?

I am always wondering if there is somethng wrong with me....I am 32 and STILL waiting for the urge...no sign of it AT ALL....and in fact just the opposite. I wonder if it''s biological or psychological or both...what drives a woman to want to be a mother? In the old days, I think it''s just what women "did." Now, we have choices and control over our bodies.... Interesting.

 

[IrishEyes]

Oh Jennifer - you pose a wonderful question: what drives a woman to want to be a mother? My MIL and my mom seem to think that it''s in "our nature" or ingrained in us to want this. I''m only 26, but I personally could be very happy never having any kids. I think they are cute, cuddly, make me laugh, etc. but I don''t want one for myself. I''m sorry but I''m way too selfish. I was pregnant once and had a miscarriage. it was a terrible experience, very painful emotionally, but also I feel it was mother nature''s way of saying I wasn''t ready ( I was 20 at the time). My husband and I disagree on all this because he DOES want kids. I said that maybe we could adopt in a few years and I am sorta excited about it, but as time passes, I get more reluctant. I''ve had alot of medical problems and have been in pain in some way everyday for the past 6 years - I don''t need to be any more uncomfortable by being 9 months pregnant. Then you have to raise the kid - again - I''m not that interested right now. Maybe it will change when i''m in my 30''s.
almost every woman I know thinks I''m insane. There mouths literally drop when I say this. There all like "oh my god, how could you not want to have a baby??!" or "oh, you''ll change your mind later" etc. Then they act like I''m this "kid" who doesn''t get it or something. That really pisses me off because I think it''s just the opposite: I know what I want and that is freedom, a life of my own, my body to myself, uniterrupted time with my DH, etc. THEY, these women, had no clue what they wanted - they got pregnant and became mommies because that is what "women do" and so they took the safe route. This is not ALL mothers, but rather the ones who think that I am absolutely a selfish bit** because I don''t care for a child of my own. That could be, I don''t know. What I do know is that I''m very happy with my life as it is now and I know damn well that I don''t want any kids just yet. How unfair would it be of me to bring a child into this world that I wasn''t sure I wanted or not?! To me, that is what is truly selfish.
I''ll get off my soapbox now!

The subject of kids is a touchy one for me, but I do understand all the points that were made above. Maybe you are just struggling with the whole "30" thing - I''ll be there myself in a few years!! Who knows - maybe I''ll be yearning for babies then too!!!

 

[stacyQ]

The biological urge thing is weird, isn''t it? I am 27 years old, and have never had ANY desire to have children (I didn''t even play with baby dolls when I was little). I have even gone as far as to really not like babies and children for most of my life and steer clear of them. But now, for an unknown reason I cannot comprehend, I find myself doing the same things you are doing for my friends children, and horror upon horrors, even wanting one of my own. I am pretty sure it isn''t environment, I live in an urban environment and have tons of single friends that value career and lifestyle more than family. Most of my friends would find it shocking that I would ever want a child. And yet, there is this nagging feeling in te back of my psyche that keeps telling me I want a baby, no matter how much I deny it. It HAS to be biology!

 

[hearts set]

I can relate...I''m 32 and there are times that I can say that I actually feel a yearning to have a baby.

I woke up one morning in May...crying...I cried all day. Why, because I really didn''t want to go to one of my bestfriends baby showers. Not out of jealousy. Just out of a sadness. I was the only woman there without a family of my own. (except for a 16 year old family member)

I went to the shower and did fine. It''s just hard sometimes wondering, when will it be my turn. I want to have a family.

Lately, I''ve been fine. I guess because now I''m more confident that this WILL happen for me.

 

[Jennifer5973]

That''s interesting--i don''t go to baby showers becasue I hate the way they make me feel but it''s very different from what you describe, hearts set.

I feel like a big fifth wheel...I am not just about the ONLY woman without a kid/pregnant, I am the only woman who doesn''t think being a mother is the end all and be all. All they talk about is babies and baby stuff--for hours..nonstop--no breaks except for maybe "this stromboli si really good."

. I have nothing to say. It makes me sad--sad because I don''t feel that way--sometimes I wish I DID feel that way just so I could be "in the club." But I don''t...so now, I just send a nice gift and make up an excuse. Life is just too short to sit at a 4-6 hour baby shower and ogle over breast pumps and onesies when you''re just not that interested. Maybe this makes me a bad perosn, but I cannot even use my genuine happiness for the expectant mother to overcome it...being there among the group makes me too uncomfortable. Sometimes, i wonder i this is what gay people go through before they come out--everybody else is "normal" and you''ve got a secret...that''s sort of how I feel...like I have this shameful secret (shhh, Jennifer doesn''t want kids...she''s not "normal")

Irisheyes, you are making me feel old...."someday when I am 30..."

 

[Mara]

I love going to baby showers! Mostly it''s because I love buying gifts and that includes fun baby stuff (Oh my budget flies out the window when I enter Target which is the most fun place ever to buy baby stuff!)...

But the other reason I like it is because it''s something different and foreign to me, but fun to be part of. That is when it''s a good friend or something, I''m not into random baby (or wedding) showers of people I don''t really know that well in general...but I love watching the joy and happiness that the mom-to-be has...because raising a baby is hard work and they seem oblivious

...also since they are always my good friends, and know my quirky sense of humor...I love writing in cards ''Hope you catch up on your sleep now!!!''

 

[MissAva]

Well I think that there are up and downs but someone who doesnt want children ought to pass, it is unfair to both the child and yourself. JMO.
I am 22 and dont want kids...if I here "you''ll want them when your older, your going to regret being stubborn someday, or we''ll once you get married you''ll come around" one more time I am going to scream...

 

[stretch4]

I''m quite content playing mommy to my kitty right now

.

Babies and children are cute, but I can only deal with them in small doses right now. I have a five year old god-daughter who I love dearly, but give me a couple hours with her, and I''m ready to high tail it out of there! Dogs and cats definitely get more attention from me on the street than do children right now.

 

[IrishEyes]

Date: 9/11/2005 5:50:33 PM
Author: Jennifer5973
That''s interesting--i don''t go to baby showers becasue I hate the way they make me feel but it''s very different from what you describe, hearts set.

I feel like a big fifth wheel...I am not just about the ONLY woman without a kid/pregnant, I am the only woman who doesn''t think being a mother is the end all and be all. All they talk about is babies and baby stuff--for hours..nonstop--no breaks except for maybe ''this stromboli si really good.''

. I have nothing to say. It makes me sad--sad because I don''t feel that way--sometimes I wish I DID feel that way just so I could be ''in the club.'' But I don''t...so now, I just send a nice gift and make up an excuse. Life is just too short to sit at a 4-6 hour baby shower and ogle over breast pumps and onesies when you''re just not that interested. Maybe this makes me a bad perosn, but I cannot even use my genuine happiness for the expectant mother to overcome it...being there among the group makes me too uncomfortable. Sometimes, i wonder i this is what gay people go through before they come out--everybody else is ''normal'' and you''ve got a secret...that''s sort of how I feel...like I have this shameful secret (shhh, Jennifer doesn''t want kids...she''s not ''normal'')

Irisheyes, you are making me feel old....''someday when I am 30...''

Ah Jen, you and I think so much alike! I completely understand - that is exactly how I feel. I absolutely hate being invited to baby showers - shopping for them is painful/annoying. It makes me remember my miscarriage, yet it also makes me annoyed like ''there are so many other things I''d rather spend my money on''. I know that sounds terrible, but it''s the truth. Going to them is annoying as well - all these women who just roll their eyes or snicker if I - God forbid- try to change the subject off of babies for a second and talk about something else like politics or current events or whatever. The most annoying thing though is if I mention a cute new pair of shoes or outfit or whatever that I saw recently. It usually goes something like this: "I saw this adorable pair of shoes at Nordstrom the other day (then describe them). Don''t they sound so cute? I bet they would look so great on you - you should stop by there and check them out!" Woman I''m talking to: " Oh please! Like I have time to do that! You''ll know what I mean when you have kids"

UUUUGGHHH!! So freakin'' annoying!! I just want to shake them and scream I DON''T WANT KIDS!! I DON''T EVER WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!
I do know that if I end up having kids - it will be through an adoption. The thought of that warms my soul. I want to be a great parent to a kid who may not have had that otherwise. That is the only way I will have children......

 

[onedrop]

Ahhhh this is an interesting thread! I am in my 30''s as well and I have never felt the baby urges. Like many of you have said I can take kids (and only certain ones) in small doses. I have a 4 year old goddaughter and she is a gem, but I could not take a long period of time with her by myself.

My best friend loves kids and would take care of her cousins when she was younger, changing diapers and feeding them and all. Needless to say she REALLY wants kids. For some reason when I say I am just not that excited about the prospect, she thinks I am "just saying that" and my mind will change. Honestly it irritates me when she says that. I think motherhood is great and from what I heard an awesome experience, but it''s not for everyone. But I don''t think it''s my purpose in life, and want people to know that just because I don''t have or want kids that something is wrong with me.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I think some people are born with the urge, and some people aren''t. I have wanted kids since I started menstruating! I used to babysit for all my parent''s friends when I was a teen, and I loved holding babies, changing them, feeding them. I remember having a major melt-down on my 26th birthday because I was still not married and my biological clock was screaming: "You''re need to start having babies". I guess my husband recognized this, and luckily he felt the same way about wanting kids. I got married at 27, and immediately stopped taking all birth control, got pregnant a year later and had my first baby at 29. As soon as I had my first, we wanted another, so as soon as my son turned 1, we started trying for baby #2. Now that I have a boy and a girl, I still feel those twinges of wanting to be pregnant. Now at the age of 31, I''m thinking we could squeeze in a couple more before I hit 36 I''m very happy with my decision to have kids, but I never make any comments about people who chose not to. I''ve NEVER said: "Oh, you''ll change your mind," or "you don''t know the love until you have one of your own"

I have a co-worker who is a year older than me, she has a dog and 2 cats that she absolustely adores, and absolutely no desire to have kids. She is getting married this November, and her fiance and her decided to get his vasectomy this month, so that they won''t have any accidental pregnancies. She is always talking about avoiding baby showers because she has no interest in ANY baby stuff, and think''s it''s a major waste of her weekends. I feel a little uncomfortable talking about my kids around her, and I''m sure she feels uncomfortable talking about not wanting kids, so out of respect we just avoid that topic altogther. In fact, I''ve never shared pictures of my 2 kids to her (even though I''ve been at this job for 2 years, and I was preggo at this job), and she''s never asked to see it!

 

[ammayernyc]

It''s strange... I''m planning things in my life around having children that I''m not even positive I want to have.

I''m thinking about future apartments or homes which are appropriate for children. I''m thinking about the idea of not working when I have them. I''m thinking about the fact that I''m 30 and should have them soon if I want more than one.

I just found out this morning that a good friend of mine''s wife is pregnant. It made me jealous -- but not just of having children -- of the fact that I''m not even engaged and everyone around me is procreating already!

It''s going to suck because when (if) I finally have children all of my friends will have four year olds already!

 

[nytemist]

Elepri, I''m with you! As long as I can remember I''ve always said I didn''t want any. The past couple of years I''ve said well, if I accomplish what I want in life, be successful, have my home just as I want it and get some travel done, then I would consider it (maybe). This is problem since BF definately wants kids.

While in college I remember telling one of my aunts that I never wanted kids. She said ''wait until you are 30, that will certainly change." I saw her soon after I turned 31. I looked at her, tapped my watch and said "you know, I think my clock is broken." She looked confused at first, then started to laugh.
But Saturday BF and I walked by a guy walking a mini Daschund and almost melted!

Matatora- I get the same speech from my married friends with kids. Hey, not even engaged yet! I''d rather be stubborn and enjoy my life first than give it all up until they are old enough for college.

 

[nytemist]

Ha- not to mention with the size of my chest I certainly do not need to get bigger!!!!!!!!!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 9/12/2005 2:49:29 PM
Author: nytemist
Ha- not to mention with the size of my chest I certainly do not need to get bigger!!!!!!!!!

That''s where you''re wrong my friend. Not everyone gts bigger after kids/nursing....I was a D, then C after baby #1, and a B after baby #2

 

[nytemist]

Wow- really? I never knew that. Everyone I know that has been pregnant all got larger. Some styed like that, others went back to their regular size.

I''m just parnoid since I''m already a 36I

 

[MelissaSue]

I think it depends on who you are around to some extent. I am 24, and definitely have baby urges. I went to baby gap yesterday even though I don''t have any infants to buy for (yet). I have always said I wanted to have kids early on though. Well.. at least since my nephew was born (he was born when I was 17, before that, I thought I might not want kids..I know it seems young, but I had friends even then who knew they wanted lots of babies)..

My sister has three WONDERFUL children, who I absolutely adore. I am not one of those people who is "great with kids".. I''m not a crawl around in the dirt, play with barbies kind of aunt. But that doesn''t mean I don''t absolutely LOVE kids!

Now my best friend is having twins, and I''m not jealous (she has another friend who is INSANELY jealous of her , she even admits it! Even though she already has two kids!).. but it definitely puts me in a baby sort of mood. It makes me think that I want kids sooner rather than later.. you know?

Last year, at my work, it was like the baby bug was contagious. Four girls were pregnant all at the same time, or at least within a few months of each other.. It was crazy! That can make you want a baby too!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 9/12/2005 3:10:19 PM
Author: nytemist
Wow- really? I never knew that. Everyone I know that has been pregnant all got larger. Some styed like that, others went back to their regular size.

I''m just parnoid since I''m already a 36I

I see why you have reason to be paranoid....I guess the best way is to take a look at the rest of your family with kids, and see how it affected your mom, grandma and/or sisters. I knew mine would get smaller because everyone in my family got smaller (but everyone nursed too). I think nursing played a bigger part than pregnancy. Mine got to an "F" or "G" when the millk first came in, but after a month, it went back to regular size, and when I stopped, the whole thing deflated!

Anyways...I''m sure no one decides to have kids or NOT have kids based on the breast changes that might or might not take place

. If you love kids, and can provide well for kids, then have one. If you don''t then don''t do what society "expects", the kids are the ones that end up suffering. I feel so bad for my neice who was unplanned, unwanted, and now spends most of her weekends and vacations with us.

 

[stacyQ]

My mother went from a D cup before pregnancy to a B after three kids, and she never nursed, so go figure. Everyone''s body if different, and that is the scary thing, you never know what yours will end up like!

 

[nytemist]

No, it''s kind of more an amusing parnoia that BF mentioned first... ''Gee, I wonder how big you would get pregnant hehehehehe''

I just can''t picture myself as a mother. I like to do what I want when I want too much. I don''t see that as selfish at all. So many people have said "oh, you want to deny yourself that best experience on earth?'' There there are the others that say I shouldn''t get married then... the whole point of marriage is children. IMO, marriage means wanting to be with my pal, my friend, my drinking buddy, my fellow mini golf player... the list goes on.

Folks have said to me that women are supposed to have children. I really do''t think that''s me. I was the neighboorhood babysitter in high school and used to watch a set of twins from 3 mos. until 15 mos (when they moved) I had a blast with them. I can be in a room of infants and be fine. Once they get to walking stage, time to give them back. I have two nieces and a nephew, and did most of the babysitting for the oldest niece when she was a baby (I feel old, she just turned 1.

Honestly children aren''t for everyone. Some friends I know can''t wait to have kids. They think I''m nuts. I say to them- which is worse? Not having kids until I feel like I''m fulfilled in my life, or having them because I''m ''just supposed to'' and having that child sense the regret in my soul? (We all know kids can sense everything)

 

[MINE!!]

I am having them... quite intensely at times. I have 2 amaxing children now and they are pretty self sufficent. Can dress themseleves, eat , get up by themselves, clean themselves, they just need loving and attention. But now... I want another one. I can almost feel it sometimes... it is overwhelming. I had this with my 2nd.. not my first and I am waiting for this one to take over. I have had them a few times over the past few years, but just in passing... never very intense.. but every once in awhile lately.. I just want to hold another part of me and smell that wonderful scent and my heart melts.... I have this overwhelming need to nuture. Then I sleep in on Saturday mornings, my kids get up make their own breakfast, watch cartoons and let me sleep in... and I think, OMG I must be out of my damn MIND!! But I still want one.

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 9/12/2005 2:58:19 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

Date: 9/12/2005 2:49:29 PM

Author: nytemist

Ha- not to mention with the size of my chest I certainly do not need to get bigger!!!!!!!!!

That''s where you''re wrong my friend. Not everyone gts bigger after kids/nursing....I was a D, then C after baby #1, and a B after baby #2

I second that Jaysonsmom... It is tragic... what happened!!!! It was wonderful while pregnant and a few months crucial months afterward.. but then they went away.. far far far away.. all gone!! Boo Hooo!!!!! I always thought I would get bigger.. not smaller...LOL

 

[Mara]

I would love to get smaller after a baby...not bigger! I''d love a nice pair of small B''s. Clothes would fit so much better.

 

[jellybean]

Date: 9/12/2005 1:06:18 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
I think some people are born with the urge, and some people aren''t. I have wanted kids since I started menstruating! I used to babysit for all my parent''s friends when I was a teen, and I loved holding babies, changing them, feeding them. I remember having a major melt-down on my 26th birthday because I was still not married and my biological clock was screaming: ''You''re need to start having babies''. I guess my husband recognized this, and luckily he felt the same way about wanting kids. I got married at 27, and immediately stopped taking all birth control, got pregnant a year later and had my first baby at 29. As soon as I had my first, we wanted another, so as soon as my son turned 1, we started trying for baby #2. Now that I have a boy and a girl, I still feel those twinges of wanting to be pregnant. Now at the age of 31, I''m thinking we could squeeze in a couple more before I hit 36 I''m very happy with my decision to have kids, but I never make any comments about people who chose not to. I''ve NEVER said: ''Oh, you''ll change your mind,'' or ''you don''t know the love until you have one of your own''

I have a co-worker who is a year older than me, she has a dog and 2 cats that she absolustely adores, and absolutely no desire to have kids. She is getting married this November, and her fiance and her decided to get his vasectomy this month, so that they won''t have any accidental pregnancies. She is always talking about avoiding baby showers because she has no interest in ANY baby stuff, and think''s it''s a major waste of her weekends. I feel a little uncomfortable talking about my kids around her, and I''m sure she feels uncomfortable talking about not wanting kids, so out of respect we just avoid that topic altogther. In fact, I''ve never shared pictures of my 2 kids to her (even though I''ve been at this job for 2 years, and I was preggo at this job), and she''s never asked to see it!

I feel a lot like Jaysonsmom. Were we separated at birth?

I have always wanted kids. I didn''t get married until I was 27 (had met my husband at the age of 24) and had my first baby at 30 and my second at 31. My daughter is now 2 & 1/2 and my son 18 months old. We are thinking about when to have #3. Everyone thinks we''re nuts b/c we already have a girl and a boy and they are very close together.

I too never comment to those who chose not to have kids. It''s a very personal decision.

Just a quick comment though....if you have little ones, the reason why you talk about them soooo much is b/c for a while they are your entire world. 24/7, no weekends off. It''s hard not to talk about anything else. Heck, I don''t even read the newspaper anymore b/c I am busy with them. I don''t think it''s people trying to make others feel uncomfortable when they talk about their kids, it''s just that for that time it''s all you deal with. One of my friends (w/o kids) told me about this new handbag she bought. I can''t even remember the designer, but I didn''t know at all what that line looked like. She asked what rock I had been living under.

But really, I don''t have time to think of or keep up on those things. I''m not complaining about it, just a choice I''m making.

As far as the baby urge, I have had friends who swore to me that they didn''t want to have kids now trying to have them. I think it is biological, otherwise no one would have them!