One step forward...two steps back...a rant.

[kateydid05]

I suppose this is my first official bout with LIW-itis and I'm wordy so I apologize in advance. To recap, been with my boyfriend for about 6.5 years (I'm 25 and he's 27). Up until recently any talk of marriage was dependent on him paying off his debts in order to be in a better place financially for us. Fast forward to last week we were discussing our next vacation to save up for. This year we have figured out but we always like to talk about where we are travelling next. I graduate with my master's this year and it will open my schedule up for more enjoyable activities. He recently finished school and found a very nice job and has been working dilligently to pay down his debt. So as we discussed vacation he mentioned somewhere tropical again like we did last year. Of course I was eager to do that but then I mentioned to him that if we wanted to go that route we should probably talk about getting married soon (we are hopefully going to have a destination wedding). He agreed. We talked about possible places we could go, how many people we're looking at, and when this may happen. We toyed with the idea of doing it during the off-peak season next year and maybe closer to our anniversary which is October. Next year would be 8 years. Later in the week we discussed that I could go with him to look at rings so he can get an idea (since I've never stepped foot in a jewelry store) and then I can leave him alone. He agreed to that.

The next day he was fiddling with his bills and bank account and paid off a few things. He started kicking around the idea of purchasing a new bike so that he can ride to work (umm. okay). He researched all night long practically. The next day he went to the bike store and ended up purchasing one (after he talked to me). I did not want to flat out say "no you cannot spend your money on yourself because you should save up for my ring"...I'm not like that. Instead we discussed that it is his money, he works very hard for it, it'll save on gas, it's better than buying a car, and it can help train in a few races he's signed up for. This is the first purchase for himself in I don't even know how long. He loves biking of any kind and he really lit up when he talked about it. So he bought the bike and it was a good chunk of change. Later on it hit me...he drove himself a little deeper into debt (the bike could potentially be at least half or more of a ring) and it was like our conversation this past week never happened. I did not feel this way until the bike actually came home. Since I typically live inside my own head thinking of the worst possible thing, I decided we need to talk about this one.

I explained to him my feelings: that we made all that progress this week and he was paying off his debt only to spend a good bit of it on the bike. His actions contradicted his words and I felt that this was him showing me how he felt about getting engaged or married. He understood that it looked bad and apologized because that was not his intention. He also offered to take it back but I told him not to. He never specifically said that he was paying down his debt to save for a ring as the next big purchase and it is his money to do as he wishes. I could have told him not to get it but I did not. He was a little impulsive and I knew that was the ADD (hindsight is 20/20 and I should've realized this and stopped him). Granted he could have thought it through a little bit more but oh well. He realizes the money could have went to something better but it's all over with now. He saw "right now" instead of the big picture. We differ in that aspect as I always see down the road.

I'm not as upset as I was on Sunday especially since we talked about it and he genuinely feels remorseful. I also told him that I would smack him (not seriously) if he purchased a ring now. He's done for awhile until his debt is done. With his current employment he's in a better position to pay it off so I know that this was not the end of the world. He almost gave me his ATM card so I can handle his money for him (because I'm better at it haha). I'm glad that we could effectively communicate about this situation before a bomb exploded! So who knows when we will get engaged and in the meantime I will continue to save my money. I decided to drop all wedding talk (not like I laid it on thick before) and we'll talk again if we hit 7 years and there's no progress. This is just a huge rant because I had my first little meltdown and realized that I do in fact want to get married. I'm better now.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

I'm glad you're feeling better now. It is a weird situation, isn't it, when you look at SO's spending and think, "he could be saving for my ring"? My SO buys a muffin at school every morning and sometimes I think, "How many muffins would a ring cost?" WHAT?! LOL. Glad to hear you kept your cool and that you and SO could talk about it all without much struggle.

 

[kateydid05]

Yeah it really is a weird situations especially when I forget that sometimes we have two drastically different views about the same issue. I am thankful that this happened within the timespan of a week instead of drawn out over the course of months or something where it may have hurt worse. I am also very glad we have the open communication that we do because this had the potential to blow up very quickly!

 

[amc80]

A suggestion-
My bf is admittedly bad at saving money. We are going to open up a joint savings account and start sticking money in there for the wedding, vacations, the holidays, etc. Once the money is in there, it stays there. No more "hey I have extra money this month, so I'm going to buy [fill in the blank]. When we are married we will have joint accounts for everything, but this works for now.

 

[MBKRH]

Wow, your guy sounds just like mine. Right down to the ADD in his life enabling him to make impulse purchases on anything BUT the e-ring. And, my SO and I have been together 6 years. Seems we have quite a bit in common.

I understand how you feel 100%. My SO is HORRIBLE at saving money. What's worse, is he hardly makes any. He works part time right now, and lives at home so therefore why bother learn to budget and save money? *Hugs* Hang in there, my LIW-twin.

Thanks for sharing your feelings. I'm glad you feel better after that rant.

 

[TwinkleStar]

Hi Katey! That sounds like a tough situation for anyone, but you handled it gracefully and calmly. I'm pretty sure I would have posted with my LIW-itis as soon as he bought the bike! I'm totally there with you!

What's great is that it sounds like you guys have a very solid relationship and can really communicate about anything, even if it's uncomfortable. It also sounds like you're a good match in terms of finances - he may not be as good with his money as you are, but he trusts you to manage his as well, if you wanted to. I'm also very proud that you're going to be so disciplined and not bring it up until the 7-year milestone!

I like to think of spinning the bike as an "engagement bike" (similar to the much-requested "engagement watch"), which means your ring should be up next! If the LIW-itis does flare up again, the important thing to remember is that you're cognizant of being financially solvent, on the right track to clearing the debt, and not going to go into unmanageable debt for the ring when you have the rest of your life ahead of you. You totally have your priorities straight.

 

[kateydid05]

A suggestion-
My bf is admittedly bad at saving money. We are going to open up a joint savings account and start sticking money in there for the wedding, vacations, the holidays, etc. Once the money is in there, it stays there. No more "hey I have extra money this month, so I'm going to buy [fill in the blank]. When we are married we will have joint accounts for everything, but this works for now.

Hi amc...a joint savings account does not sound too bad! Perhaps if we could not "see" it but keep getting money automatically taken out of our seperate accounts that may work. The way it works now is that he'll transfer money to my account for a vacation or whatnot and I hold onto it. I think that even after we get married it may continue that way only because everything we do is via the bank website and it's easy to deposit back and forth (not withdraw) so it's like a joint account already. I suppose we will re-evaluate it when we get that point.

 

[kateydid05]

Hi Katey! That sounds like a tough situation for anyone, but you handled it gracefully and calmly. I'm pretty sure I would have posted with my LIW-itis as soon as he bought the bike! I'm totally there with you!

What's great is that it sounds like you guys have a very solid relationship and can really communicate about anything, even if it's uncomfortable. It also sounds like you're a good match in terms of finances - he may not be as good with his money as you are, but he trusts you to manage his as well, if you wanted to. I'm also very proud that you're going to be so disciplined and not bring it up until the 7-year milestone!

I like to think of spinning the bike as an "engagement bike" (similar to the much-requested "engagement watch"), which means your ring should be up next! If the LIW-itis does flare up again, the important thing to remember is that you're cognizant of being financially solvent, on the right track to clearing the debt, and not going to go into unmanageable debt for the ring when you have the rest of your life ahead of you. You totally have your priorities straight.

Hi TwinkleStar and thank you. We really do balance eachother out in many aspects. There are areas where he is much stronger than I and I think we are a really good combination with even give and take. This year we both are finally in a decent place. He works fulltime, I work fulltime and I'm graduating this year. We are definately in a more secure place right now and there are less unknowns. I remind myself that engagement/marriage won't really change who we are or anything earth shattering and I don't get nearly as upset after I sit down and think it through. The big picture is that we're in it for the long haul.

 

[confusedaisy]

I'm glad you're feeling better now. It is a weird situation, isn't it, when you look at SO's spending and think, "he could be saving for my ring"? My SO buys a muffin at school every morning and sometimes I think, "How many muffins would a ring cost?" WHAT?! LOL. Glad to hear you kept your cool and that you and SO could talk about it all without much struggle.

OMG I feel the same way sometimes!! So happy I'm not the only one! (It's such an embarrassing thought!!)

 

[monarch64]

Hmm, this is an interesting situation! Here is my take on it: I think he wanted to get the bike out of the way because he knows it will be his last major purchase JUST for himself for a long time if he is taking into consideration buying you a ring, proposing, getting married/having a wedding reception, eventually buying a house (or buying a house before you marry), starting a family if that is an option for you both, putting your money together as a couple, making all major purchase decisions together, planning for your financial future as a couple, etc.

One of my co-workers really wants to marry his girlfriend when she is finished with grad school. She is already hinting a lot about wanting to get engaged soon (she graduates in 1.5 years). Meanwhile, he just sold his Prius and wants to spend $2500 on a motorcycle that will be his primary form of transportation (she has a car). Yes, he would like to save that $2500 for an engagement ring with which to propose to her sometime in the future, but at the same time he also needs economical transportation and this is his best option since he still owes ~$7k on the Prius, is selling it for ~$10k, and will have ~$500 left over after buying the motorcycle to save towards her ring. Is his situation perhaps similar to what your man is thinking? If so, have patience. It sounds to me like he is being responsible and thinking about your future together, not buying frivolous things and being unconcerned with how it will affect you and the relationship. Hard as it is to wait, (I've been there myself!) you have to trust him and know that he is committed to moving forward and not let this get ya down. Hugs, and here's hoping your proposal comes as soon as possible!

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

I love how you kept your cool and had a nice, non attacking, talk with him. It really helps to share your feelings, without making your guy get defensive. You have great communication skills! (side note...don't take on the roll of his money monitor, by HELPING him save for things, if he's bad with saving, break your bills in half and have him pay his part and worry about his own stuff. You don't want to send the message that you think he is not a responsible adult. And if he is NOT a responsible adult, you will have a LONG road ahead of you.) Men like to feel strong and confident in their girl's eyes, not like bad decision makers, that need mothering. I know this is a little off topic, but believe me, you can make a difference in how your guy feels about himself and you, by letting him trip and fall and find his way on his own. If a guy really wants something....a house, a wife, a new car, he will make it happen. He sounds like a really nice guy, be patient! Hang in there!

 

[kateydid05]

Hmm, this is an interesting situation! Here is my take on it: I think he wanted to get the bike out of the way because he knows it will be his last major purchase JUST for himself for a long time if he is taking into consideration buying you a ring, proposing, getting married/having a wedding reception, eventually buying a house (or buying a house before you marry), starting a family if that is an option for you both, putting your money together as a couple, making all major purchase decisions together, planning for your financial future as a couple, etc.

One of my co-workers really wants to marry his girlfriend when she is finished with grad school. She is already hinting a lot about wanting to get engaged soon (she graduates in 1.5 years). Meanwhile, he just sold his Prius and wants to spend $2500 on a motorcycle that will be his primary form of transportation (she has a car). Yes, he would like to save that $2500 for an engagement ring with which to propose to her sometime in the future, but at the same time he also needs economical transportation and this is his best option since he still owes ~$7k on the Prius, is selling it for ~$10k, and will have ~$500 left over after buying the motorcycle to save towards her ring. Is his situation perhaps similar to what your man is thinking? If so, have patience. It sounds to me like he is being responsible and thinking about your future together, not buying frivolous things and being unconcerned with how it will affect you and the relationship. Hard as it is to wait, (I've been there myself!) you have to trust him and know that he is committed to moving forward and not let this get ya down. Hugs, and here's hoping your proposal comes as soon as possible!

Monarch, that makes a lot of sense! I had not thought about it that way until now but perhaps you may be onto something here. I appreciate your insight!

 

[kateydid05]

I love how you kept your cool and had a nice, non attacking, talk with him. It really helps to share your feelings, without making your guy get defensive. You have great communication skills! (side note...don't take on the roll of his money monitor, by HELPING him save for things, if he's bad with saving, break your bills in half and have him pay his part and worry about his own stuff. You don't want to send the message that you think he is not a responsible adult. And if he is NOT a responsible adult, you will have a LONG road ahead of you.) Men like to feel strong and confident in their girl's eyes, not like bad decision makers, that need mothering. I know this is a little off topic, but believe me, you can make a difference in how your guy feels about himself and you, by letting him trip and fall and find his way on his own. If a guy really wants something....a house, a wife, a new car, he will make it happen. He sounds like a really nice guy, be patient! Hang in there!

Thank you! He is a very responsible adult and I usually don't help him save for things unless he asks. He's very open with his finances. He was the one that asked me if I could take his ATM card--I didn't suggest that, haha. We split the bills as evenly as possible and he worries about his own things like his car. He's definitely not a bad decision maker and I'm no angel either but we're both positively growing and doing it together.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

I will cross my fingers that your guy proposes soon. You two sound like one of the lucky pairs that will have a great marriage. I for one, will be cruising LIW to see how you're doing. It really sounds like your guy loves you and wants to make you happy. It's our jobs as future fiances and wives, to gently teach our men what makes us happy. My husband was a slow, very slow, starter, but after he took the ring plunge, he skyrocketed to fantastic husband land. And I'm sure you are already familiar with that ear to ear super happy smile our guys get when they do something to make our day! Being a fantastic husband to you will be his greatest accomplishment (until he becomes "the Worlds Greatest Dad"). I wish you happy thoughts and patience.