New lady in waiting loooong intro

[Julysnight]

Hi everyone,

So I have been lurking around for the last six months. Just a little background about me. I'm 31 and my Boyfriend is 34. I was once married and got divorced almost 2 1/2 yrs ago. My ex was my high school sweet heart. We have two great kids, 15 and 11. My ex and I are on great terms so that makes life easier. Now for my pre-engagement background. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 1/2 yrs. he is so good to me and my children. He is everything I wanted in a man. Kind hearted, honest, caring, smart, established, hard working, plus he is super handsome. He gives me all his time, he truly is just the best guy I have ever met. Anyways, six months ago I had to be a bit firm with him about the progression of our relationship. I told him that I needed the next level of commitment because we both aren't getting any younger and by now, he should know if he could see me as his wife. When we first met, we both discussed what we wanted out of a relationship. We both agreed we didn't want to waste anyone's time and the goal was to find someone to share our lives with, get married, and have children. When I had " the talk" about the progression of our relationship, he wanted a time line of when I expected an engagement. I didn't want to put a set timeline because I wasn't giving him an ultimatum. I just wanted him to understand that my own personal beliefs and life goals wouldn't allow me to wait around indefinitely for something that may or may not happen. Well upon his insistence, I ended up telling him that I wanted to see us move into the next level ( engagement) by the end of this year. He said that was reasonable and we talked a little about what we expected from each other once married. My children and I would move into his beautiful home, he would add me to the deed, we won't have a big wedding, and we want two children right away. towards the end of our conversation he asked me if I wanted to go to Europe with him at the end of September and I said yes.

Well fast forward to the end of September, we go to Europe ( just got back yesterday) and no ring we went to the most amazing locations. One night we dined at a restaurant in Athens with the most gorgeous view and he didn't propose! I couldn't help but be a bit disappointed and sad. I was able to shake it off and enjoy our time and trip together, but I really had my heart set on this being an engagement trip. He bought me an antique silver ring while we were there and he joked about it being my proposal ring, I laughed it off and told him that if that was the ring, I would accept it, but it wouldn't look right on his part to propose with a silver ring. He admitted he is much too proud to give me something below his standards and income bracket.

I feel so silly for expecting a proposal. He has not taken me ring shopping, asked what type of rings I liked, and he doesn't know my ring size. I know he is very well educated when it comes to engagement rings. He was engaged once before and his engagement ended around the time I got divorced. His ex fiancé left him. From what I have picked up on, she didn't want to have children and she couldn't deal with the fact that he travels for work. Sometimes his travels keep him away for almost two weeks.

My birthday is coming up this Month and I was hoping he would do it then, but he leaves to Japan the very next day so I don't think it will happen then either. Anyways, I'm just venting about my impatience. I wish he had never asked for a time line because even though we are both on the same page, I'm the one left waiting around for the romantic formality of a proposal. I also feel this pressure to walk away if he doesn't propose by the end of the year because if I stick around, who knows how much longer he will drag this on.

Being a Lady in waiting is no fun. Sometimes I wish I could punch the person who invented proposals lol.

 

[madelise]

Hello! Welcome. This place is a great venting board.

I just want to warn you… a timeline to you and a timeline to him mean 2 different things. I think only about 10% of the girls here actually get proposed to within their timelines. The LIW sees it as a means to an end, the SO of the LIW thinks it's a goal date, one that is flexible to circumstances. Rightfully so, too, since guys really don't know how long it takes to actually buy and make a ring. They think it's a walk to Zales (or Tiffany) and BAM! Ring!

I'm so sorry you got let down during your trip, but if you read around here, plenty of us have been through the exact same feelings. I urge you to not look at every nice scenery and wonder if he's going to propose. Don't let your heart skip every time he bends over to tie his shoes. Become nonchalant to these sorts of things. It's hard. So so so hard. But it protects you from getting your hopes up just to be let down every single time. The perks of all this, of course, is that he really does catch you off guard when he does propose. It took me a year and a half to actually accept this and choose this route, and my FI was able to 100% catch me off guard. Had it been just a few months prior, I would've been sneakily suspecting everything and his proposal would have been ruined (again, since I have ruined a few plans of his already).

For now, focus on your great relationship. You sound like you've got it all, girlfriend! A wonderful ex-husband, a wonderful set of children, and a phenomenal boyfriend who wants a future with you and your family. That's a rare find nowadays! And to top it all off, he wants two more children with you, wants to provide a home for you and your family, and takes you on beautiful trips. You really got yourself a winner here! So enjoy the moments for what they are. Enjoy the sounds you hear, the warmth of the sun, the happiness of the people around you, the awe of nature or architecture… everything. Don't forget these little things exist and instead focus on "Is he going to propose now?!" You'll lose sight of the beauty around you.

And if you really dislike the waiting and the idea of proposals, there is always that whole modern-day couple agreement thing, where both of you just agree on being engaged (since technically, aren't you? you KNOW there's a future, right?) and go and pick a ring out together. It doesn't have to be the old school way of him choosing a ring, making you wait, keeping you out of the loop, and surprising you. It can be, if that's what you want? Or you can even choose a halfway route, like I did. I chose the ring, did everything, except I did not see the final product. Then I let him take the old school route, make me wait, and surprise me. It's up to you. Your SO sounds very very busy with his global travels for work, and he might not have all the time in the world to be studying diamonds or shopping around for vendors. Maybe you can offer to take that part's work? Let him handle the second half?

Anyway, welcome again.

 

[Julysnight]

Thank you Madelise! Your words really did resonate. I have been reading other posts here and you are absolutely right, what I'm going through is the norm. I tell myself that if there were some sign that he was ring shopping, I would feel better, but I would probably be even more anxious than I am now. I just hope he has something in the works and he is just really good at hiding it from me. I believe he is the type of man that would do a lot of research before making a big purchase because he is that way with everything else he has purchased big or small. Therefore, I'm going to leave the ring shopping up to him. I'm going to try my best to just let things be and hopefully it will be my turn soon.