Need some advice on how to get the ring I like!

[JTRR22]

I am patiently waiting for a proposal and in the meantime my boyfriend has been insisting we go out and look at rings together. We are looking for a round diamond (most likely solitaire) in the 3-5 carat range. He has an eye for detail and he actually talks more while we are looking at rings compared to me so I feel like I am going to end up getting something that makes him happy (rather than making me happy!)

All my life I have wanted a beautiful engagement ring and I feel like I deserve to get what what makes me happy. After we look at rings he makes comments about "the trips he could take for the cost of the ring" and "just how excessive engagement rings are" so I really just hate bringing up the subject at all but I don't want to sacrifice what I want either.

I want to stand my ground and get what I've been dreaming of for an engagement ring but I don't want to push him away either. Do any of you ladies have any advice on how to get the ring I really want?

 

[MarionC]

Offer to pay half.

 

[JTRR22]

I'm not in a position to offer to pay half as I am still a full-time student.

 

[missy]

It seems as if he values your opinion since you are looking fora ring together so why not focus on the that and give him a lot of positive reinforcement as to what you would love to have in an ER while you are shopping together for one?

It's important for you to have a heart to heart with him about the fact that the ring you choose together is important because you will be wearing it every day and hopefully forever and you want it to be as perfect as your love for each other...or something to that effect just so he gets how important this is to you. Some men need it spelled out because it is a big purchase and not everyone gets how much the ER means to the woman. To some guys it is just a ring and the money spent seems excessive. But if he really gets how much this ring means to you it will become more important to him too.

Also, if you like a particular vendor you can speak to them and let them know exactly what you are looking for and have them gently steer him towards the ring you love. Good luck-I hope you get the ring of your dreams from the man of your dreams.

 

[junebug17]

I believe a woman should love her ering, but I will say that a 3-5 carat diamond is extremely expensive - does your SO have the funds for it? Sometimes a compromise is necessary if the desired ring is just too out of reach financially.

 

[junebug17]

Tried to edit but couldn't…my post came across as judgemental, didn't mean it that way…I just feel the guy's financial situation should be taken into account…if your SO has the funds and it's not a financial strain, then I second missy's advice!

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

You could buy from somewhere with a good upgrade policy and start at what he is comfortable paying then upgrade from there when finances allow and you are able to contribute

 

[SouthernSunset]

Yeah just the three carat range is a lot, especially the 3-5 carat range for just one stone. I'm not in rocky talk as much as the CS forum, but it seems around the three or four carat range is where the hunt gets pricy and hard to find just the right stone.

Do you have to have a solitaire or are there other styles you like? There are three stone, halo, sidestone, wraps, all of these things can help get you a lot of finger coverage and huge sparkle but would cost less than a four carat solitaire. Especialllly if you have a smaller ring size or slender hands, its easier for smaller carat weights to look bigger.

That or like other posters suggested, buy a ring now from somewhere with a solid upgrade policy so you can go back when you're ready and get something a little bigger.

As much as we all love jewelry here (and we do!) and as much as all of us would spend literal truckloads on our favorite things (if only we could!) ultimately an engagement ring exists because of the marriage that follows it. So if your boyfriend can't currently afford the dream or thinks that as a couple your money could go better elsewhere, then you two could compromise together.

Me and my SO are doing that for my dream ring. He knows I care about jewelry a lot, I'm passionate about it. And he wants me to be happy and have what I want, but its just not reasonable at this moment in time. So we are going to use an heirloom ring for the proposal and I will get my dream a few years down the road when the timing is better.

Good luck! Let us know how the hunt goes. The people over in rocky talk are awesome too, they can help you a lot when it comes to a diamond the right fit for you.

 

[JTRR22]

First off thank you all so much for your comments and advice. I am new to this forum and I really appreciate everyone's time! I hope I can be as helpful to other members

Missy: I think you're right, I need to "gently steer" him towards the ring I love. In general, I don't think I am very good at steering him towards gifts so I need to work on that, especially in the e-ring department.

Junebug: Your post did not come off as judgmental, you're right the cost is very expensive and he does have the funds for it...I think I just have a bigger is better mentality though so I'm willing to compromise. My SO hasn't had other serious gfs or anything so I just think in general he is kind of clueless when it comes to buying gifts.

LoveLikeCrazy: That is a great idea, I am new to PS so I'll have to search the forums to find places with good upgrade policies.

SouthernSunset: Great advice, thank you! I'm open to other styles, I will have to check out rocky talky to get a better idea of what is available in that 3-5 carat range and the prices. Congrats to you and your SO on going after your dream ring! Obviously I would chose my SO over a ring any day, I just want him to respect the fact that I am passionate about jewelry (expensive jewelry lol).

I will keep everyone posted, thank you again for all your advice...I feel a lot better!!

 

[JTRR22]

Junebug your post did not come off as judgmental, you're absolutely right - I have to respect his budget!

 

[Indylady]

t...I think I just have a bigger is better mentality though so I'm willing to compromise.

Are you Texan? I know its totally stereotypical, but I always get a kick out of traveling through the Dallas airport and seeing all the "everything is bigger in Texas" gear. Its awesome that he's taken an interest in ring shopping with you. What's the difference between what he wants and what you want?

I definitely recommend starting a thread in RockyTalky with your budget and size interests (and style, but it seems you want a solitare, so that's not as much of an issue yet)--maybe someone will have a good lead for you.

 

[JTRR22]

t...I think I just have a bigger is better mentality though so I'm willing to compromise.

Are you Texan? I know its totally stereotypical, but I always get a kick out of traveling through the Dallas airport and seeing all the "everything is bigger in Texas" gear. Its awesome that he's taken an interest in ring shopping with you. What's the difference between what he wants and what you want?

Lol, I'm not Texan but although it's stereotypical I do think I can relate to the Dallas mentality!!

We differ in a few ways on the ring:
He likes 4 prong setting, I prefer 6 prong
He likes micro pave band with the round solitaire, I like 2 tapered baguettes, 1 on each side of the round solitaire
He wants to buy it from Tiffany's (or Cartier, etc), I'd prefer to shop online so I can get more for the money (bigger diamond!)
He thought 2.5-3.0 carats looked best on my finger, I didn't think the larger carat sizes looked "gaudy" or "too big". I'm a size 6.5

We haven't discussed a firm budget but he said up to 110k. I realize what we want isn't too different but he is stubborn, but I think my ering is a time where I should get what I want!!

 

[madelise]

We haven't discussed a firm budget but he said up to 110k.

wow.

good luck with figuring it out. i have no advice. but lucky you to have such a large budget!

 

[Cowboys4Life]

http://www.jamesallen.com/loose-diamonds/round-cut/3.23-carat-g-color-vvs2-clarity-excellent-cut-sku-28692

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

How about Estate Tiffany, Cartier?

BTW if you are looking at new Tiffany or Cartier (brands) you would be hard pressed to find a 3-5 ctw diamond in your $110 budget.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Mainer]

The ring is not the important focus at this time in your life. The marriage is. Ask your SO to surprise you with a very small diamond in a setting he picks out. With that you will have done two very important things that make a marriage strong: acknowledging that you need to work together and accepting graciously a gift from the heart.

Later when you have learned a great deal more about each other, (trust me, there is a lot more to learn) the marriage is strong and your finances have improved go for that honking big diamond in the exact setting you want. You will have the ring of your dreams. It will be fun and flashy, but the ring you will cherish will be the one he chose for you.

 

[vintagelover229]

I would look at estate and pre-owned piece. Phoenix (who is no longer selling) was selling some beautiful 2.3 carat diamonds for 18k and I have no doubt you can get something AMAZING with HALF that budget.


I would get something other than a RB (just me) in that large of a size. Get something UNIQUE that is different from what everyone else has.

7 carat emerald cut for 68k
http://www.langantiques.com/products/item/10-3-5859

http://www.langantiques.com/products/item/10-91-323

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/7515/

Set this puppy in a beautiful yellow gold cup halo or something

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/8140/


http://www.langantiques.com/products/item/10-1-6231

http://jewelsbyericagrace.smugmug.com/Jewelry/Loose-Diamonds/585ct-Old-European-Cut-Diamond/33442328_jDQcb9#!i=2905798307&k=rPjfv7m


You have LOTS of options. All in all it's just a ring. I know-I can't believe I said that-but it's true. Your man is willing to spend more than a lot of people homes on a stunner for your to wear-enjoy the hunt!

 

[Tekate]

quite high carat range.. how about dropping it to 1-2.5carat.. 3-5carat is awesome but maybe you could wait till you both have more money.. best wishes!

ADDED: maybe you could have a ring made by one of the designer/artists here like Victor Canera to me their rings are slightly less expensive than a Tiffany (which is gorgeous btw) but you do get a ring made JUST FOR YOU! and they place their name inside.. I would love a Victor Canera ring.. there are other designers the posters here use..! Leon Mege is another.. just positively gorgeous stones.. High Performance Diamonds in Idaho creates beautiful rings and has stock settings I believe.. to me that is cooler, having a ring made with a designer name inside.. an artist!

he sounds like a great guy and you sound like a wonderful young woman!!! it's such an exciting, STRESSFUL time, I remember.

I am patiently waiting for a proposal and in the meantime my boyfriend has been insisting we go out and look at rings together. We are looking for a round diamond (most likely solitaire) in the 3-5 carat range. He has an eye for detail and he actually talks more while we are looking at rings compared to me so I feel like I am going to end up getting something that makes him happy (rather than making me happy!)

All my life I have wanted a beautiful engagement ring and I feel like I deserve to get what what makes me happy. After we look at rings he makes comments about "the trips he could take for the cost of the ring" and "just how excessive engagement rings are" so I really just hate bringing up the subject at all but I don't want to sacrifice what I want either.

I want to stand my ground and get what I've been dreaming of for an engagement ring but I don't want to push him away either. Do any of you ladies have any advice on how to get the ring I really want?

 

[MBKRH]

We haven't discussed a firm budget but he said up to 110k.

wow.

good luck with figuring it out. i have no advice. but lucky you to have such a large budget!

..... what Mad said.

 

[Indylady]

With that you will have done two very important things that make a marriage strong: acknowledging that you need to work together and accepting graciously a gift from the heart.

This is the best part and advice of this whole thread. Very well said.

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="JTRR22|1391132116|3604646

We haven't discussed a firm budget but he said up to 110k. I realize what we want isn't too different but he is stubborn, but I think my ering is a time where I should get what I want!![/quote]



http://www.briangavindiamonds.com/diamonds/diamond-details/4.090-h-vs2-round-diamond-ags-bl-104065989001

 

[Sparklelu]

The ring is not the important focus at this time in your life. The marriage is. Ask your SO to surprise you with a very small diamond in a setting he picks out. With that you will have done two very important things that make a marriage strong: acknowledging that you need to work together and accepting graciously a gift from the heart.

Later when you have learned a great deal more about each other, (trust me, there is a lot more to learn) the marriage is strong and your finances have improved go for that honking big diamond in the exact setting you want. You will have the ring of your dreams. It will be fun and flashy, but the ring you will cherish will be the one he chose for you.

I agree with the part about working together. It is the cornerstone of all marriages.

But given that her SO gave her a ballpark off 110k why a very small diamond?? In a setting he likes?

It seems that what they should do is have several talks about what they both see as a good example of a ring, set a budget and work together to find something she will love to wear and he will be happy to fund!

 

[isaku5]

[quote="JTRR22|1391132116|3604646

We haven't discussed a firm budget but he said up to 110k. I realize what we want isn't too different but he is stubborn, but I think my ering is a time where I should get what I want!!

http://www.briangavindiamonds.com/diamonds/diamond-details/4.090-h-vs2-round-diamond-ags-bl-104065989001[/quote]

Every time I see a post like this, I want to either slap her upside the head, or tell her that unless her husband to be is a multi-millionaire, there are lots of expenses following the engagement : the wedding, the place to live, the cost of raising children(?) and the cost of educating them $$$$$$.

I know it sounds a million miles away,but are you both saving for retirement? Thank goodness I had a great pension from teaching, but how I resented paying all that money (matched by the government!!!) into the plan for 39 years.

Just remember: Marriage is not about the ring - compromise!

We've been married 50+ years and I did get an upgrade at 42 years ( thanks, Pricescope )

 

[JTRR22]

The ring is not the important focus at this time in your life. The marriage is. Ask your SO to surprise you with a very small diamond in a setting he picks out. With that you will have done two very important things that make a marriage strong: acknowledging that you need to work together and accepting graciously a gift from the heart.

This is exactly what I needed to hear Mainer, thank you. I need to work on graciously accepting his gifts from the heart. It's crazy, I know this is a forum about jewelry but you have all taught me a lot about marriage in just this one forum. He tries very hard to make me happy whenever he gifts me anything, yet I always seems to find fault in the gift (I never tell him though, but that doesn't make it right). I think my fear with my ering is that he will spend a lot of money on it and I won't like it. However, I know he will be a great husband and a great father so I know it is stupid and silly to get hung up on the ring.

I will check out the links everyone has provided, perhaps estate jewelry is a good route to go so we can spend less but still get a nice stone.

You have all made me realize that I am acting immature and not focusing on the right things. I think my dilemma is how can I graciously accept his gifts (that may not be my taste) yet steer him in the direction of what I like? I grew up surrounded with women who are horrible at accepting gifts, so much so that we have all stopped buying them things years ago. My stepmom (my own mom passed away when I was 2) is so bad that she will sometimes critique the gift RIGHT AFTER SHE OPENS IT! I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior, just pointing out that I didn't have the best women role models around me growing up so all my stepmom can say is "make him buy the biggest ring he can afford" or "return what he gave you for your birthday and get something nicer" or "tell him you only like jewelry from tiffanys or david yurman". So she has kind of instilled this fear in me that my ering is going to be a disaster or not my taste. Her point is that if he is already spending the money to get me a gift, it might as well be something I like. However, I always keep and use whatever he gets me because I know it would hurt his feelings but sometimes I do wish I could be more clear with him on what I like. I do admit that there have been a few times were I have been disappointed when I open a gift from him but I do my best to act happy and surprised. I continue to give him thoughtful gifts and cards in the hope that he will learn from my example but sometimes I question how much he cares or if he is just clueless on gift giving (deep down I know it's because he is clueless).

Any tips on how vocalize my taste/preferences more to him? I am one of those people who are pretty straightforward so if I am happy you can tell, as well as if I am upset. I just don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad because I have been on the other end of it when dealing with my stepmom and I know how hurtful it is when someone dislikes your gift and makes it very clear to the gift giver. I also don't want to encourage him to stop surprising me because I don't want to be like my stepmom who has to buy all her own presents and doesn't even receive cards (and def never any jewelry) from anyone because we are all scared are gifts won't be up to par for her.

Thank you everyone for all your advice and for listening to me! Sorry if I came across as a brat, although I am young, I am old enough to know better....which is why I signed up for PS so you could all set me straight! All joking aside, you all seem like a lovely and classy group of women, your husbands are lucky to have all of you! I hope to be a great life partner for my boyfriend as well. Thank you again for the reality check and for putting things in perspective.

 

[madelise]

I wanted to just ignore this thread because I'm really not in a great place myself but this thread actually hits home for me, and hurts. So bear with me if you find my comments are coming from either a wrong angle or are assumptious.

1. It irks me that a few people have said you should save the $. That's annoying. You said you're a broke student, FINE. But we don't know about him. How much does he have? If he's got himself a few million, $110K isn't going to put a dent in his pocket in the least. I got a lot of flack last year, and I really just wanted to punch people.

2. I agree with you/your step-mom that if he's going to spend money, it might as well be on something you love. A $30 sweater you despise? Wear it once and shove it in the closet. But a $110K item? Something you're to wear supposedly every single day for the rest of your life? HEAVENS, please get what YOU WANT. Not what HE wants FOR you. The way I see it is... would a guy ever want his girlfriend to choose and buy him a car for him to drive every day for the rest of his life? Of course not. Everyone should pick their own damned car, and even when they do pick it themselves, in about 2-5 years, they want to change it! It's not being ungrateful or ungracious to voice what you like or don't like AT ALL.

But most importantly,

3. What you're saying here really reminds me of where I was about 2 years ago, posting in these forums. Please slow it down and don't plan on getting engaged yet until you feel 100% fully transparent and easy to talk to him about the hard stuff, including what you want, and a financial aspect, the budget. PLEASE. You shouldn't have to start threads to ask about how you can talk to him about what you like. That stuff should come naturally, and very easily. Please don't take this the wrong way and if I'm totally off base, let me know and ignore me. But you saying you don't have a firm budget means you haven't talked budget. You saying he's stubborn means you haven't reached a compromise. You asking for tips on how to vocalize your opinions to him really really freaks me out. Because it sounds like me 1-2 years ago. It sounds like me 6 months ago. And I'm now in this horrible conflicted spot in my life that I do not wish on anyone, not even a stranger on PS that shouldn't matter to me in the least.

 

[Mainer]

LOL JTRR22 You'll make it. If you recognize where your problems come from and how they effect you, and own them without blaming the source, you'll be able to figure it all out.

When I got engaged the SO suggested we go look at diamonds. I told him I didn't want a ring. Mostly because I was uncomfortable on spending the money on something neither of us knew anything about and I didn't want to add to the stress of getting married. (We met in AK neither set of parents had met and both sets were very dubious about the whole thing) This year I have the time to spend on learning about both settings and diamonds and the husb of 54 years, who still doesn't know a thing about rings or diamonds, says, " Go for it!"

 

[msop04]

I wanted to just ignore this thread because I'm really not in a great place myself but this thread actually hits home for me, and hurts. So bear with me if you find my comments are coming from either a wrong angle or are assumptious.

1. It irks me that a few people have said you should save the $. That's annoying. You said you're a broke student, FINE. But we don't know about him. How much does he have? If he's got himself a few million, $110K isn't going to put a dent in his pocket in the least. I got a lot of flack last year, and I really just wanted to punch people.

2. I agree with you/your step-mom that if he's going to spend money, it might as well be on something you love. A $30 sweater you despise? Wear it once and shove it in the closet. But a $110K item? Something you're to wear supposedly every single day for the rest of your life? HEAVENS, please get what YOU WANT. Not what HE wants FOR you. The way I see it is... would a guy ever want his girlfriend to choose and buy him a car for him to drive every day for the rest of his life? Of course not. Everyone should pick their own damned car, and even when they do pick it themselves, in about 2-5 years, they want to change it! It's not being ungrateful or ungracious to voice what you like or don't like AT ALL.

But most importantly,

3. What you're saying here really reminds me of where I was about 2 years ago, posting in these forums. Please slow it down and don't plan on getting engaged yet until you feel 100% fully transparent and easy to talk to him about the hard stuff, including what you want, and a financial aspect, the budget. PLEASE. You shouldn't have to start threads to ask about how you can talk to him about what you like. That stuff should come naturally, and very easily. Please don't take this the wrong way and if I'm totally off base, let me know and ignore me. But you saying you don't have a firm budget means you haven't talked budget. You saying he's stubborn means you haven't reached a compromise. You asking for tips on how to vocalize your opinions to him really really freaks me out. Because it sounds like me 1-2 years ago. It sounds like me 6 months ago. And I'm now in this horrible conflicted spot in my life that I do not wish on anyone, not even a stranger on PS that shouldn't matter to me in the least.

+1000000000!!!

OP, is your fiance the type to want to make you happy, or is he the type to make himself happy? I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I promise! That's a LOT of money to spend on something that you don't just absolutely love... I would just be upfront. Let him know that you are extremely appreciative for his interest and beyond generous budget, and that you'd really like some input on your ring. This way you have made an honest active attempt to let him know your feelings about it. Otherwise, let him get whatever and hope like hell you can exchange for something else if needed (which I believe would be a massive waste of his time and possible money to "guess" what you'd like, especially if you'd indicated that you'd like to help pick it out)... This way, it's really on him as to whether or not he's willing to allow you to get something closer to what you'd like, as opposed to what he likes for you.

P.S. I'm not sure what you're going through, madelise, but I really hope you find peace very soon...

 

[Puppy4248]

Madelise - sending good dust your way, I hope things get sorted for you soon!

JTRR - I agree with everyone here, the most important thing for you is to speak up and let him know of your preferences. Compromise and open communication is the basis for a good relationship in general! I don't think you should ever have an issue telling your SO what is on your mind, how you feel, and what you desire... I think where some people find themselves in uncomfy situations is HOW they tell their SO. It doesn't seem like you're the "my way or the highway type", so I would just may be say considering this is a big investment, here are a few of the designs you love... if you feel he's going to pick a design you don't like, get him BEFORE he purchases by saying "oh i've seen this type... I don't think that's for me because x,y,z...". If he still gets you a design you don't like, that is on him but I'd be hardpressed to find a partner spending that much money on something they know their fiancee to be doesn't like. Especially if he is already cognizant that he could be going on trips with that kind of $$, my guess is he is willing to spend on the ring but doesn't want it to go to waste.

And I don't think you're being immature. It is his $, and that is his budget he came up with (assuming it's not breaking the bank, cheers!) but it is going on YOUR finger, and forever! What my man and I did was we looked at a bunch of designs together... he told me what he liked, I told him what I liked. Yes it was his $ that paid for it, but if i brought up a design and he said he didn't like it, I dropped it altogether. If he brought up a design I didn't like, same thing... we dropped that idea immediately. What we ended up on (actually the tapered baguette setting!) was something out of compromise, and we felt good about making that decision together (purchasing diamonds and rings is already stressful enough, you better make sure you like it, right?!?! haha ) i think if you give him a few ideas for him to pick from, he can still surprise you while taking the credit for process and purchase of the final choice if that is what he wants.

As for carat weight, I can't speak for 5 ct (maybe estate?) but the 4 ct range is doable at his budget (also depending on setting), assuming you get the best possible price while sourcing the diamond yourself. Probably not at the HW, Cartier, Graff salons but as we've found here they don't always give you the ideal for your money anyway...and I see you realize that haha. I'll leave it to everyone else here to help find you stone options and this is getting long, but just my 2cents. I hope you have a good conversation with him and let us know how goes! Good luck!

 

[Allisonfaye]

I think when you mentioned budget concerns (his comment about how much he was spending) you got the typical 'be happy with what you get replies'. I think you can get a 4 carat diamond with your budget. But to me, the issue here is he wants to get what HE wants, not what YOU want. You are not being ungracious about anything as far as I can see.

 

[sandra063]

hmm....3-5 carat rings are expensive... if he has the money for it i guess i dont see why he cant agree to it..but if he doesnt maybe you';ll just have to take a cheaper substitute until you guys have enough??