Mixed feelings about our first Christmas together
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by PinkAsscher678 » December 27th, 2009, 9:55 am
Personally speaking, I just went where I felt like spending the holiday when we were dating. I''d spend some time with his family first, and then go spend time with mine. We didn''t need to do every holiday together when we were dating. Now that we''re married we alternate in advance which family we will be visiting so there are no hard feelings. Next year we are hosting both families. I guess we just never made an issue out of it.
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when DH were dating, we drove 2 hrs on C-Eve to his family''s house...the whole extended family gets together. Then we stayed at his mom''s house that night. Then on Christmas, we woke up and drove 4.5 hrs to my mom''s house, then another 2 back down to ours. that was the first and only year we every did that, and ever will.
when i was little, my parents made a vow that they would not cart us all over the place on holidays. they wanted us to enjoy them, not spend them in a car going all over the place just to say that we were able to see everyone on the holidays. i think as your relationship gets moer serious, your parents will gain an understanding that you have more families to see over the holidays. families grow and adjust, and if they don''t, well, you''re SO will have to have that conversation as the time comes. my mom now comes down to our house on Christmas so we don''t have to drive everywhere. I think the first year we were together, there wasn''t a huge push to have our families change plans to accommodate us, but now that we are our own family, its more important on both sides that we get a common solution. |
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Once his family gets to know you, they will probably understand more about your situation/traditions. It does take some time. We always do our best to include both families. Even if time doesn''t end up getting divided evenly, it''s only for the holidays! And then you can get back into your normal routine.
Although, this year, Thanksgiving was a frustrating mess. My boyfriend and I always go to my mother''s for brunch and a later meal with his family. For some reason, this year, his family was annoyed that we were 5 MINUTES LATE to their house. Give me a break! I have a family too, ya know! |
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When we were dating and even now that we are married, I still spend Christmas with my family. He spends Christmas with his. We figured that until we have children, it isn''t a big deal if we are apart for Christmas (it''s only a few days, and it gives us time to miss each other!).
His family misses me and wishes I was there, but they are parents too and can understand how much my parents want to see me for the holidays.  And they live in China, so we can''t exactly drive from one place to the other..If it''s something you''re very concerned about you can talk to your boyfriend about it, and see how he feels about splitting time between the families. |
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I've always spent Christmas with my own family (unless I'm working), regardless of relationship status at the time. It's not at all abnormal that you'd want to spend time with your own! Especially if you aren't married and therefore not a "family unit" yet.
Were they genuinely shocked in a bad way, or might they just have been trying to make you feel welcome? (As in, "Oh, you can't possibly be leaving us! We love having you here! Please don't go!") Or maybe the thought just didn't occur to them. Don't feel bad at all, you did nothing wrong. I imagine your own family would have been sad and a little disappointed if you'd dumped them altogether for your boyfriend's family (so to speak). When I'm married, we'll probably do Christmas alternate years at each parents' house (as mine live abroad). And spend New Years Day with the other, if possible. Once you're married you can set similar ground rules for yourselves. His mother's birthday doesn't automatically give her Christmas rights every year. |
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It definitely does take time to adjust to the holidays when you are trying to spend it with different families. My BF and I still have difficulties with the holidays and this was our third holiday season together. Personally, I think that alternating who you spend the holidays with every year helps. For me the worst holiday to figure out is Thanksgiving. My BF''s parents are divorced and both his mom and dad''s side celebrate on Thanksgiving Day. My family does as well. His dad lives out of town so we have to travel to see him and then we come back and spend time with his mom''s family and then move on to my family. At the end of the day we are both stuffed and completely exhausted.
The way we work Christmas is that my family has a get together in the late morning/early afternoon. Then we leave there to go spend the rest of Christmas day with BF''s dad. His mom''s family usually does Christmas the week before too. Fortunately, both sides of his family also understand that I do have my own family to spend time with as well. However, I still think alternating, or spending the holidays apart works best. My BF''s sister and her FI alternate families and it seems to work well for them. It is hard to find what works best for you and your BF, but in the end, his family needs to realize that you also need to see your own family on the holidays. |
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For some reason, this issue is really weighing on me this year. I love spending X-mas with my family, and I never really want to go any other place.
 FI has spent X-mas with my family, but his family doesn''t really ''do'' X-mas, so to spend X-mas with them and no tree or decorations would feel strange. We usually go see his family for New Year''s, but I am having a lot of anxiety about holidays in coming years. Weird, because we''ve never has issues sharing holidays, but I guess knowing that we will be married by next Christmas is freaking me out a bit! Ack, Change is scary! 
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I have very strong feelings about ''sharing'' the holidays and even though DH and I agreed how to split it, we ended up spending WAY more time with DH''s family than mine. I had a really hard time at Thanksgiving dealing with the changes and not having my mom''s home-cooked meal. DH doesn''t know but I actually cried to my mom about not having whipped cream with the store-bought pie DH''s family had-stupid and petty yes, but it is a change I am having to deal with. When we have kids it will be way different, but you have to do what''s right for you and BOTH families need to respect that each of you has their own family to be with too. For right now I would say it''s fine to be apart on the holidays but if this is a serious relationship you will need to talk about your plans eventually.
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We spent Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. I''m guessing next year, we''ll do the opposite. Our families live about 6 hours away, and we live in the same city as his family. Although I will probably always prefer to be with my family for holidays, I know it is important to him to be with his family too. I also think it is important that he and I spend holidays together even if that means we each need to sacrifice time with our families. I think that is part of growing up and becoming a married couple/family.
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Very well put. I want my husband to feel as tho he is a family member, and want to include dh as such. His family wants the same for me. |
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Hey,
I don''t have any really good advice since my boyfriend and I just spent out first set of holidays together, and we spent them all with my family. Though my bf loves his family, he doesn''t particularly enjoy seeing the extended family over Thanksgiving & Christmas, so he (and we) go out to see them a few months afterwards when it''s just the immediate family getting together. But the shrimp boil and gumbo sounds like Louisiana. Am I right? |
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Like others have pointed out, I don''t necessarily see the significance of spending Christmas Day with my hubby. I never had the urge to rearrange our schedules while we were dating, engaged or even now that we''re married. We are both content to spend Christmas with our respective families and then we celebrate together after Christmas is over. When we have kids we will figure out what we should do (probably xmas eve with my family, then hop on a plane xmas morning to see his), but until then I''m content to spend that week with my family every year!
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Fortunately for us, our parents live 5 minutes from us and 5 minutes from each other. Christmas Eve we go to my parents'' friends'' house because they do a huge Italian feast of the 7 fishes thing. Christmas day we do gifts at his parents'', then my parents, stay for until dinner then back to his parents'' for dessert and games. It''s worked the last 3 years.
Basically, you have to find what works. Parents should understand that a couple wants to be together and that they are trying to juggle everyone''s schedule of events. It''s rough! SIL and BIL spend thanksgiving with his parents because his birthday falls around there and Christmas with hers. They decided that that''s how it''s going to be, so the parents have no choice but to accept it. |
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Our families are on different continents, so we will never see both of them on the same Christmas. We''ve spent the last two Christmases with his family since that''s the continent we''re on. I know it''s important to him to see them, but we stay far too long (2 weeks) and they get on my nerves by a couple days in. When we''re in the US, we''ll see my family, though even now I''d definitely consider just having Christmas to ourselves next year. (We''d have to fly 4 hours to get to my parents, so it''s not a matter of driving a couple hours.) I''ve spent several Christmases alone before I met BF, and that was fine with me, I don''t need to be around a lot of people and like doing things our own way.
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Austen Nut, you are right on point! We''re in South Louisiana.
Blair, you''re definitely not alone! I can remember my cousin (who was spending Thanksgiving with her husband''s family) calling us up and making us describe all the foods we were having while she sobbed on the phone because the food she was having was so bad. I certainly appreciate everyone''s input. I feel better about things after a few days of reflection. Glad to know it''s normal to still prefer your own family and all that comes with it. I adore my boyfriend, and I had a wonderful time with his family on Christmas Eve. But things just didn''t feel right for me until I came home to my parents'' house, and for some reason that made me feel guilty. |
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This was our first year spending Christmas together (after 10 years together!). We went to my parents and then to his house in the evening. If his mam really had a problem with him not being with his family then we would have just gone to our respective families. I think that it is hard merging it together especially when each family has their own way of doing things.
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Are you living together? If not, then I''d do it separately. When he and I were first dating (I would say probably the first 3 years) we spent Christmas apart. It wasn''t a big deal for us but we just don''t make a big deal out of holidays.
In any event, the best way to handle it IMO is to rotate. We took turns each year once we moved in together. Last year it was Thanksgiving at MILs, Christmas at my mom''s, and NY party with friends (NY is always party with friends  ). This year we switched. It''s a little different in our situation though because we live 4 hours from my mom. If we lived in the same city, his family would probably get Christmas Eve and mine would get Christmas day.
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This is the first year of us being married so I did a huge Christmas at our house this year. It went wonderfully!
Every Christmas before I went to my family all day, night time I went to his for dessert. I felt that just because I am engaged to be his wife that does not mean that I won''t spend my christmas with the people who I''ve been with all my life - my family. Your boyfriends family should understand that. |
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I''ll tell ya - try spending a few Christmases without either family, and you''ll be thrilled to spend it with his family!
 BF and I have spent the last two Christmases without family, and it''s not thrilling. It was better this year, but I''d much rather spend it with a family that does things differently instead of having it be just the two of us.
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