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Marriage vs. Fun?

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crossmyfingers

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BF and I plan to be married within the next two years, probably sooner than that. He tells me often that he looks forward to it, and he calls my house "our" place, and I know he really does want to marry me soon and thinks it will be great.

BUT... In front of anyone else, family or friends, he frequently says things along the line of: fun ends when you get married. If a married friend of ours can''t make it to something for any reason, he says it''s because he/she is "whipped" and that you can''t do anything social ever once you are married. Our friends all expect us to be engaged then married any given day, so they all look at me when he says things like that, like I''m supposed to explain it. And we are the ''fun'' couple that kind of bonds all our friends together, planning stuff, hosting stuff, so I would imagine they are worried things will completely change when we get married. (I hope that part made sense...)

I''ve asked him why he is so different about this in front of anyone, but then to me gets all mushy and sweet and tells me how much he looks forward to it. He said he''s just joking when he says that sort of thing, but I told him it hurts my feelings to hear him say things like that. And honestly it makes me wonder how much of it is just joking around "ha ha stereotypical guys are afraid of marriage" stuff and how much of it is maybe how he feels.

Why?!?! Do your SOs act like this?
 

brooklyngirl

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I would try to talk to your SO about this since it''s really bothering you. From your post, it sounds like he doesn''t want to discuss it with you and changes the subject by becoming all mushy.

Perhaps next time you bring up the subject, don''t let him become mushy, and stand your ground. If it''s really bothering, you need to find out how he feels about it all.

As for the jokes, IMHO, jokes are based in truth, especially ones that are constantly repeated by the same person. Also, if he says this all the time when you''re out with friends, and no one seems to get the joke, I''m not seeing how it''s a joke
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Italiahaircolor

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I think that it might be more or less a defense mechanism. Keeping him macho as opposed to letting himself be seen as a fully committed, marriage minded man.

Believe me...the real fun starts when you are married.
 

trillionaire

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I said lots of things like this in my past, and it really did make FI think I didn''t want to ever get married.
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He also started doing the same. The most important thing is that you are communicating and on the same page, but if it''s bugging you, he should try to curb his comments. I know I did when I realize that it reflected poorly and incorrectly on our relationship.
 

crossmyfingers

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Thanks you guys!

Brooklyngirl: I meant to say that usually he is mushy about it, and then if I ask why he is like that around others, he just says it''s a joke, just sort of brushes me off. Not that he turns mushy so I''m not upset. I don''t fall for that, haha. :) But yeah, it doesn''t seem like much of a ''joke'' when he''s the only one laughing.

Italia: I think that''s how I feel about it too, that he just does it to seem like other guys, or whatever he interprets other guys'' thinking to be. I think the fun will really start when we are married, too, and it''s good to hear someone say that instead of the typical sitcom idea of "ugh I hate him now that we''re married."

Trill: Thanks. I think what bothers me the most is that I don''t want our friends thinking I''m delusional about our feelings on marriage. I need to explain that better to him.
 

Octavia

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My FI says things like this once in awhile, and it bothers me even though I know he really does want to get married. In his case, it''s because his father has been saying those things to him for many, many years (his father''s two marriages were not fun). Although FI knows that his parents'' marriages were disfunctional and that we''re going to do our damnedest not to follow those examples, I think he still worries a bit because he''s had very few positive examples of marriage. Luckily, most of our married friends are very happy and I think it''s eased his mind a bit (otherwise I doubt he ever would have proposed) and my parents also have a good marriage.

Still, I did call him out on it awhile ago when he said something I found particularly hurtful. I asked him, if marriage was such an awful thing, why did he ever bother asking me and should we just call the whole thing off so he could be blissfully unmarried? I don''t think he realized before that how much it bothered me, and we had a long talk to clear the air, and he hasn''t said anything like that since.

Sorry for the long story, but I''m wondering if your boyfriend has had similar experiences that might be coloring his views on marriage? Even if he hasn''t, I don''t think you should keep letting it slide -- he needs to understand how his words are affecting you before you decide to get engaged or it will only become a more sensitive issue. JMHO.
 

Dannielle

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I''d be smacking FI up the side of the head if he was saying stuff like that in front of our family and friends..
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Good on you for approaching him about it, hopefully he stops making those kind of comments.
 

LilyKat

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There are two equally likely possibilities. One is that, as Italia said, he''s just doing it to be macho in front of his family and friends - just a guy thing. That isn''t worrying in itself, but once you''ve told him it bothers you, he should respect your feelings and stop.

The other is that there is an element of truth to it, and he feels you will change and the fun will stop once you are married. I think you need to talk with him and explore why (if at all) he feels this is the case. Don''t let him distract you with mushy talk or jolly you out of it.

Honestly, I''d be a little bit offended if the person I loved implied that spending the rest of their life with me would be boring and/or restrictive, even if they didn''t really mean it. I don''t think you''re overreacting.
 

Nomsdeplume

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I would have an open conversation with him and ask him "Do you really think the fun stops after marriage, and why?". Is it because he will then have only one woman for eternity (in which case he needs to evaluate why he feels that way) or is it because he''s afraid that you will both get fat, lose your sex drive and become boring? Show him that this will not happen by taking up new interests and surprising eachother constantly.
 

gwendolyn

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No, my fiance isn''t like that, but I have a friend who swears up and down this is the case because his friends from college don''t still act like they''re in college. Everyone has to grow up at some point, and I think it''s a little bit sad that he''s tried so hard for so long to keep things JUST as they were in college, but he really freaked out at the thought of giving all that up. He isn''t married still, but he has a kid (much more limiting to time, in my opinion!) and seems to be embracing that aspect of being a grown-up, anyway..and you know what? He still manages to have a social life. So what was all the worry about? Who knows. Fear of getting older, probably.

But, yeah, I think if you say something to him about it (maybe like, "Honey, I know you say you''re kidding about this marriage stuff, but you kid about it an AWFUL lot, and no one else seems to think it''s funny--just worrying. Do you have some underlying worries about how life will change when we get married? If you do have worries, even small ones, we can work together to make sure what you worried about won''t happen."), there''s at least the chance you can lessen any fears he may have about it all. Best wishes!
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Lilac

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I would be hurt if DH said that, even in a joking way. I think you should talk to him about it (I know you said you did, but maybe really sit him down and discuss it with him again) and explain how much it hurts you. Hopefully once he knows how much it bothers you he will stop.

And ditto Italia - if you think it''s fun now, just wait till you''re married - that''s when it gets really fun
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smiles

Shiny_Rock
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Hey CMF! Do you mind my asking if you are the first 2 in your group of friends to be approaching engagement/marriage? Are all you friends married or in LTR? If he did this once in a while I don''t think it would bother me, Especially if you guys are the first of your group to be closing in on this time. If this is the case I would have to agree with Italia and suggest that your friends probably don''t really understand what it is like to be seriously discussing an impending marriage and so your bf jokes about it as a defence mechanism. However, if all your friends are married and such I would find his beaviour much harder to comprehend.
 

Patchee

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Oh Cross my Fingers... it''s ok really. You said you are both happy fun people, your friends are too etc. you SO is just joking, I promise he is.

When them guys get together they talk, they know how much he loves you and all. Believe me, it''s just a guy thing.


My husband STILL does that stuff. The other day someone said to us, how''s marriage going? He said uggg, we have to do this the rest of our lives? Oh, we have a 5 year renewal. It is totally all in great fun. Laugh it off or better yet .... join in on what he says, flip it on him, see how he reacts! LOL That''s what I do now and it has become an ongoing funny for us
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Lauren8211

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I can see how that''d bum you out. Especially because everyone knows you guys are on your way to marriage. So basically he''s saying marriage to YOU would be restrictive/boring.

I''m *sure* he''s joking for the most part... and probably a small part of him worries that things might change once you''re married. I worry about that too, it''s not necessarily a bad sign. I''m sure EVERYONE gets worried on some level that marriage could change things for the worse.

Just make it clear that he''s joking like that a bit too much, and it''s starting to hurt your feelings. A joke once in a while is no big thing, but if he''s saying it everytime marriage comes up, or even when it doesnt... time to scale it back.

Good luck, lady!
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Londongirl1

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Date: 8/25/2009 12:38:06 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I can see how that''d bum you out. Especially because everyone knows you guys are on your way to marriage. So basically he''s saying marriage to YOU would be restrictive/boring.

I''m *sure* he''s joking for the most part... and probably a small part of him worries that things might change once you''re married. I worry about that too, it''s not necessarily a bad sign. I''m sure EVERYONE gets worried on some level that marriage could change things for the worse.

Just make it clear that he''s joking like that a bit too much, and it''s starting to hurt your feelings. A joke once in a while is no big thing, but if he''s saying it everytime marriage comes up, or even when it doesnt... time to scale it back.

Good luck, lady!
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Ditto. However, there''s a saying that goes ''many a true word said in jest''. If it''s just a joke and a ''guy macho thing'' then tell him that the joke is starting to wear very thin. I wouldn''t make too much of a big deal of it as I hope he is only joking
 

princesss

Ideal_Rock
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Yeah...that wouldn''t go over so well with me if we were seriously talking marriage.

Maybe he''s nervous about getting married and he''s truly afraid that life will stop being fun. We''re often frightened of the unknown, and jokes are a coping mechanism for many. Honestly, if he''s willing to spend the rest of his life with you, he needs to be sensitive to how you feel. Likewise, you need to be sensitive to him - it sounds like he''s scared, and I bet if you tackle those issues head on right now, the jokes will stop and he''ll calm down.
 

crossmyfingers

Shiny_Rock
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Hey Smiles: It depends what you define as our group of friends. Our closest friends are all unmarried and most of them are fresh out of bad relationships or just beginning new relationships. I''m sure that does affect what he says around them - but then again, they all ask us all the time why we aren''t already married. We have some friends who are married (all happily), but they aren''t in our main group of people we spend a lot of time with.

Thanks again everyone! I *really* appreciate you all reassuring me that I''m not overreacting. I was so unsure whether I was being foolish or whether maybe there were some true feelings showing through his ''jokes.'' I brought it up tonight. I was lighthearted about it but I told him clearly that it makes me feel stupid in front of our friends when he says he dreads marriage, since our friends all know that''s where this is headed. He said he didn''t realize I thought anything of it, and that he just meant it as a joke.

He did make a good point, that it is amusing that our friends who are married (or who live with their SO) end up blowing off plans with everyone a lot, and that is the truth. I think that''s honestly what he has been saying, is that maybe marriage seems to tie down some people, not really that that''s how it will be with us. We are both really not controlling people, and I told him that I just can''t picture us not being social like we are now, and he grinned and agreed.

I''m proud that I brought it up casually and made my point, without getting upset or making it into some unnecessarily long talk. Whew! I feel better!
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LilyKat

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Date: 8/25/2009 11:08:10 PM
Author: crossmyfingers



He did make a good point, that it is amusing that our friends who are married (or who live with their SO) end up blowing off plans with everyone a lot, and that is the truth.

Maybe they''re just so darn happy to be at home together with each other that they don''t feel the need to go out as much, rather than feeling tied down?

Just a thought!
 

Londongirl1

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 8/26/2009 3:17:17 AM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 8/25/2009 11:08:10 PM
Author: crossmyfingers



He did make a good point, that it is amusing that our friends who are married (or who live with their SO) end up blowing off plans with everyone a lot, and that is the truth.

Maybe they''re just so darn happy to be at home together with each other that they don''t feel the need to go out as much, rather than feeling tied down?

Just a thought!
I agree. Yes, some things DO change when you get married otherwise there''s NO POINT in getting married. When I was single I couldn''t wait to go out and party at the weekend, but now I''m in a committed relationship I just don''t have that desire.
 

shertz1981

Shiny_Rock
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Aug 3, 2009
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478
IMO, there are different kinds of fun!

Marriage doesn''t mean you don''t go out and have a good time :) SO and I aren''t married, but we''ve been living together for 2 years, and we have plenty of fun -- and we''ve kept our separate groups of friends, too, so there''s also going out individually.

I will say that since we started (in my mother''s disapproving words) "shacking up," we''ve gotten a lot closer to our friends who are married or in stable relationships.
 

tigian

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 8/26/2009 3:17:17 AM
Author: LilyKat
Date: 8/25/2009 11:08:10 PM

Author: crossmyfingers




He did make a good point, that it is amusing that our friends who are married (or who live with their SO) end up blowing off plans with everyone a lot, and that is the truth.


Maybe they''re just so darn happy to be at home together with each other that they don''t feel the need to go out as much, rather than feeling tied down?


Just a thought!
Honestly, we do end up going out less because we are really happy going out by ourselves or staying at home with eachother. We also have different priorities concerning money now that we are a family and don''t like dropping a hundred dollars at a time just to hang out with friends when we are really content at home. I think it is all about balance, but your fun is not going to stop due to marriage. Promise!
 

LadyBlue

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 8/26/2009 3:17:17 AM
Author: LilyKat
Date: 8/25/2009 11:08:10 PM

Author: crossmyfingers




He did make a good point, that it is amusing that our friends who are married (or who live with their SO) end up blowing off plans with everyone a lot, and that is the truth.


Maybe they''re just so darn happy to be at home together with each other that they don''t feel the need to go out as much, rather than feeling tied down?


Just a thought!

Thats me and my DH
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