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suchende

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So, if everything goes according to plan, I will be leaving my current city (DC) for my boyfriend''s city. He has already signed a lease with his school''s student housing, so officially living together is out of the question. I can''t decide if I should try to get an apartment close to his grad school (in Cambridge) or in Boston. For what it is worth, I will be working from home a lot.

I have had the experience in previous relationships of essentially living with someone sort of by default. If I get a place in Boston, I don''t think this will happen because the commute is too far. If I get a place in Cambridge, I am pretty sure it will.

So, I guess it''s the old "live together before marriage or not"? question... although I do think it''s slightly different when both people are maintaining seperate addresses.
 

sweetliloldme

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not that this is how your situation would go, but just my perspective based on my own experiences.

SO and I have lived together for a little over a year. I love him to death, but if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn''t do the whole living together before marriage thing because I feel like then things get too comfortable and theres no reason to take the relationshiop to the next step. Even if that''s not the case, it just causes so many more issues than would have started if you were already married. I just think it''s easier (relationship wise) to wait.
 

Squirrly

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i don''t think i''d want to do the living together option, cause at some point i''d want my space for a little bit and just might feel kind of bad about kicking my boy out. that and as much fun as it is to live near a college, there are times when you might want to go to sleep before all the noisy dunk people go home.
 

suchende

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Haha, good point squirrly, but this part of town is very quiet, away from the undergrads :)

ETA: I am sort of a pre-LIW. I don't expect a proposal even in the next year. We've been long distance the whole time, so we still have a lot to learn about each other.
 

DiamondsforDee

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Well I live with FI so I think it''s a good thing. Honestly, living together does not take away the impetus to get engaged. If your man wants to marry you he will propose whether you live together or live apart because he is so excited to spend the rest of his life with you. I think a lot of people end up living together out of convenience and then one party (usually the female) starts assuming that since he agreed to live together obviously marriage is right around the corner, when in reality marriage was never talked about or thought about. Any issues that come up when you move in will come up regardless of marital status, so while they are not always fun to deal with, you''re going to be dealing with them at some point.

If I had to do it again, I would have moved in with FI right when I did. It did not postpone my proposal- heck FI was ready to get engaged well before I was! Good luck!
 

CurlySue

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From what I''m reading from your post, it sounds like the only factor you''re considering is whether you will be virtually living together or not. If that''s the case and I were you, I would live in Cambridge. If he''s in grad school, I''d imagine that his studies will take up a lot of his time, so just for convenience sake, I''d want to be closer to him rather than a little further away. It should make it easier for you two to spend time together.

I also believe that "essentially living with someone" is very different from actually truly living together. Having your own adress and your own space makes a big difference - as long as you are willing to take advantage of having your own separate places. It might take some discipline, but my guess is that if you really want time to yourself, you''ll make it happen.

Also - I assume you''ve already checked out both areas and determined you can get the right kind of place for the right kind of price in both parts of town. If not, I''d definitely do that first.

By the way - congrats on taking this step with your BF.
 

lucyandroger

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Hi Suchende,

Well SO and I went to law school in Cambridge and lived there for the past three years. I have to say that if I didn''t have a school that I wanted to be walking distance from, I would have lived in Boston. A LOT of my friends moved to Boston after their 1L year. Cambridge is an adorable town and there are definitely things that I miss about it but it gets old really quick. There''s a lot more to do in Boston and it''s really a fun city. Plus, you can get from Cambridge to downtown Boston on the T in about 15 minutes.

This could be competely off base for you - just something I saw with my classmate''s SOs. Your BF is going to be starting grad school and things will probably get busy really quick. He''s going to be meeting new people and getting accustomed to his new life. I think that in Cambridge, you would probably be relying on your BF for most entertainment and might get bored if he can''t hang out as much as you''d like. In Boston, there would be lots of opportunity for you to do your own thing...

Anyway, I''m quite familiar with both areas, so let me know if I can be of any help! Honestly, I couldn''t wait to get out of MA when I was there, but now I kind of miss it
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suchende

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Date: 5/6/2009 4:30:53 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Hi Suchende,

Well SO and I went to law school in Cambridge and lived there for the past three years. I have to say that if I didn't have a school that I wanted to be walking distance from, I would have lived in Boston. A LOT of my friends moved to Boston after their 1L year. Cambridge is an adorable town and there are definitely things that I miss about it but it gets old really quick. There's a lot more to do in Boston and it's really a fun city. Plus, you can get from Cambridge to downtown Boston on the T in about 15 minutes.

This could be competely off base for you - just something I saw with my classmate's SOs. Your BF is going to be starting grad school and things will probably get busy really quick. He's going to be meeting new people and getting accustomed to his new life. I think that in Cambridge, you would probably be relying on your BF for most entertainment and might get bored if he can't hang out as much as you'd like. In Boston, there would be lots of opportunity for you to do your own thing...

Anyway, I'm quite familiar with both areas, so let me know if I can be of any help! Honestly, I couldn't wait to get out of MA when I was there, but now I kind of miss it
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What a good post, thank you!

The boyfriend actually just finished 1L (okay, not quite done yet, but almost) so he's adjusted already and all that. So far, I like Cambridge, but I am a little unsure about living there as a non-student. The prices on apartments are comparable (both ridiculously high!) Also, you make a good point about the lack of entertainment. I am a total art junkie and would spend every weekend in a museum if I could. OTOH my cousin will be living on the north shore... ahhh! I just cannot decide.

Can I ask where you ended up? Feel free to be vague if you're not comfortable...
 

purselover

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Date: 5/6/2009 3:25:22 PM
Author: DiamondsforDee
Well I live with FI so I think it''s a good thing. Honestly, living together does not take away the impetus to get engaged. If your man wants to marry you he will propose whether you live together or live apart because he is so excited to spend the rest of his life with you. I think a lot of people end up living together out of convenience and then one party (usually the female) starts assuming that since he agreed to live together obviously marriage is right around the corner, when in reality marriage was never talked about or thought about. Any issues that come up when you move in will come up regardless of marital status, so while they are not always fun to deal with, you''re going to be dealing with them at some point.

If I had to do it again, I would have moved in with FI right when I did. It did not postpone my proposal- heck FI was ready to get engaged well before I was! Good luck!
totally agreed!! I''ve lived with SO for 2 years and wouldn''t change it, I''d rather deal with any living together issues now than when we''re married. Plus any guy who gets "too comfortable" to take the next step is not the guy for me.
 

Dreamgirl

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I wouldn''t take the "live together before marriage" route (that''s just me though) Why not just get your own place in the same town so you two can see one another all the time?

That''s what I do with FF. I see him every day but we don''t live together. It works out great for us and saves SOMETHING fun and different for after marriage.
 

lucyandroger

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Date: 5/6/2009 4:36:17 PM
Author: suchende


Date: 5/6/2009 4:30:53 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Hi Suchende,

Well SO and I went to law school in Cambridge and lived there for the past three years. I have to say that if I didn't have a school that I wanted to be walking distance from, I would have lived in Boston. A LOT of my friends moved to Boston after their 1L year. Cambridge is an adorable town and there are definitely things that I miss about it but it gets old really quick. There's a lot more to do in Boston and it's really a fun city. Plus, you can get from Cambridge to downtown Boston on the T in about 15 minutes.

This could be competely off base for you - just something I saw with my classmate's SOs. Your BF is going to be starting grad school and things will probably get busy really quick. He's going to be meeting new people and getting accustomed to his new life. I think that in Cambridge, you would probably be relying on your BF for most entertainment and might get bored if he can't hang out as much as you'd like. In Boston, there would be lots of opportunity for you to do your own thing...

Anyway, I'm quite familiar with both areas, so let me know if I can be of any help! Honestly, I couldn't wait to get out of MA when I was there, but now I kind of miss it
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What a good post, thank you!

The boyfriend actually just finished 1L (okay, not quite done yet, but almost) so he's adjusted already and all that. So far, I like Cambridge, but I am a little unsure about living there as a non-student. The prices on apartments are comparable (both ridiculously high!) Also, you make a good point about the lack of entertainment. I am a total art junkie and would spend every weekend in a museum if I could. OTOH my cousin will be living on the north shore... ahhh! I just cannot decide.

Can I ask where you ended up? Feel free to be vague if you're not comfortable...
What a small world!

Okay, so he's going to be a 2L.........If he's doing OCI, he's going to be RIDICULOUSLY busy through November at which point he'll realize that he hasn't done most of his reading and then will be RIDICULOUSLY busy catching up until finals. 2L year is easier in that you kind of know what you're doing but OCI will pretty much take over his life, especially in this economy (I do not envy him!). Plus, he's now probably on a journal, maybe a clinical...2L year is BUSY!

SO and I both lived on campus for the first 2 years and then moved in together across the street for 3L year...right across from the construction
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Cambridge is great but I don't think I'd chose to live their as a non-student. There's a few decent bars (but the undergrads sneak in) and restaurants. The shopping is nice on the weekend but gets old pretty quick and lots of tourists come to see the university and crowd the streets. Don't get me wrong, it's a great place to go to live if you're going to school there but I just think Boston has so much more to offer if you're not really attached to Cambridge.

The rent near the law school is absolutely ridiculous and you can definitey find a nice place in downtown Boston for the same price. Since you're an art junkie and if you generally like to get out and explore, or like a nightlife, I would chose Boston. Also since your cousin is going to be on the North Shore, there is a commuter rail that comes right into downtown. SO and I rented a nice place on the North Shore to study for the bar btw...I love it there.

On the other hand, I can totally see why you'd want to be close to where you BF is. You don't want to spend the little time you DO have traveling back and forth. It's a hard decision. But really Boston is not that far at all... just a quick T ride away.

Hmmm...sorry if that ended up not being helpful at all! I just kind of rambled on and on...
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ETA - I just went back and saw you're in DC now...that's where I am now! Really is a small world...
 

Jessie702

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I wouldnt and will not live with my SO till we are married....haha, i probably wont move in until the week after the honeymoon. JUST KIDDING....
But i have lived with BF''s from previous relationships and it was a good learning experince, but i wouldnt not do it again. You just get too comfortable, things get too familiar, theres not the missing feeling. Also, i know i feel like i need more space. But thats just me, so i am oppossed to living together before marriage
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suchende

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Thank you everyone so much for your perspectives! It''s so nice to see a situation through multiple eyes before you make a decision.

Lucy&Roger:

Either a small world or a massive school ;-) But personally, I think that''s a huge advantage. I am a lobbyist, so when the boyfriend was choosing, I was like, no no no, bigger is better, you want to have a connection to as many people as possible.

I hadn''t even thought about all those 2L considerations, I just thought, hey, not 1L, he''ll have gobs more time... maybe not. I thought OCI was just in the summer. Is it call-backs that bleed into the fall? He is on a journal and attempting to get on LR after finals, so yeah, he''ll be busy I guess.

I hope you''re liking DC. It''s such a fun place for law geeks.
 

IloveAsschers13

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I am also doing the living together before marraige thing- and I love it. I knew me and my BF would not have any problems and although a lot of people didn''t believe me or warned us not to move in together, it has worked out great. We are a little family unit with out kitties
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BTW he is not too comfortable in a lot of senses, and the other ones that we are both comfortable doing in front of each other are now things I like- hahah one time I walked in and he was ironing in the nude because he didn''t want to wrinkle the pants/shirt before he put them on. HAHAHA

I say GO FOR BOSTON!!! I have heard it is a fun and eclectic city and I think it would be great for you guys to have a place to go other than the college town and feel comfortable- you could be the Boston tour guide, and him the Cambridge one.

Good luck!
 

babygirl

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Hi suchende,
I''d definitely look at places outside of Cambridge. If you''re concerned about housing prices but don''t want to venture too far, check out Somerville (like Inman or Davis Squares). Whenever I''m in Cambridge, I feel like it''s just crawling with undergrads. Not necessarily a bad thing if you''re an undergrad... but if you''re a little older (I''m 27), you might as well be a million yrs old.

I recently moved home to Atlanta but lived in Boston for five years after college and loved it. I lived in Southie, where you can still find some pretty good deals (relatively speaking) on apartments- and I can''t say enough good things about it. It''s a very young part of town (and fun bars/nightlife- nothing clubby or too, too upscale though) and has a nice neighborhood-y feel but is only 1-2 miles from downtown. Also, the ICA (Contemp Art Museum that opened a yr or so ago) is in Southie along the waterfront, if you''re into contemporary art. And if you live towards the westside of Southie, you can still take the red line T over to Cambridge (and it''s a pretty quick ride). For two of the years I was in Boston, my current bf was living in Brighton/Allston, across the city from me, and we still ended up "essentially living together", but likely because I had my own place for half of that time.

You will have so so SO much fun in Boston!! Let me know if I can give you more information about any areas of town- I''m happy to help!

Oh- and for the record, it will be nice to have your cousin close by. The North Shore is SO nice but if I were you, I''d live closer to the city. I think you''d really miss out on a lot by being such a hike from downtown.
 

lucyandroger

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Date: 5/6/2009 7:37:50 PM
Author: suchende
Thank you everyone so much for your perspectives! It''s so nice to see a situation through multiple eyes before you make a decision.


Lucy&Roger:


Either a small world or a massive school ;-) But personally, I think that''s a huge advantage. I am a lobbyist, so when the boyfriend was choosing, I was like, no no no, bigger is better, you want to have a connection to as many people as possible.


I hadn''t even thought about all those 2L considerations, I just thought, hey, not 1L, he''ll have gobs more time... maybe not. I thought OCI was just in the summer. Is it call-backs that bleed into the fall? He is on a journal and attempting to get on LR after finals, so yeah, he''ll be busy I guess.


I hope you''re liking DC. It''s such a fun place for law geeks.


Yeah, the small school arguments never got me either...

OCI starts earlier this year because of the economy. We were always one of the last schools to have OCI but it didn''t really matter because firms would leave spots open for us. Now that things are super competitive, they''re starting earlier....so maybe call back week will be earlier as well? But OCI is really time consuming...there''s the actual on campus interviews, then the receptions each night, then flying out to the firms for call backs, there''s usually receptions in the actual city as well, and then all of the accepted people dinners where they put on the hard sell. It gets exhausting - especially if you''re interviewing in multiple cities.

2L year catches a lot of people by surprise...if he''s trying to balance LR as well...yikes

Yep, loving DC....have you guys decided where you''ll be afterwards?
 

mrscushion

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I would live in Boston, too. I lived in Cambridge for undergrad and I feel like I never got to experience how nice Boston is. It''ll be great for you to make other friends and have your own life in Boston in addition to your relationship. Be prepared to do most of the commuting into Cambridge, though, as he is going to be really busy.
 

suchende

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babygirl- I would not have considered southie if you hadn''t mentioned it. Any recommendations for housing? I would prefer a bigger building with amenities like work-out facilities and stuff like that, if I am going to live in Boston.

LucyandRoger- Thanks for the explanation of OCI, I am a little embarrassed to not have known! I know my boyfriend really has his heart set on NYC, but there is still so much up in the air. I have been wanting to go to LS myself for a while, but my career really took off this year and it has been hard to walk away from (not to mention study for the LSAT). My dream school and his dream firm are both in NYC, but of course we may both end up dissapointed.

mscushion- You''re definitely making Boston sound more enticing! It might be nice to have a buffer between his school and me.
 

Feralpenchant

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I have to disagree with others when speak against living together before marriage. In fact, I not only disagree, I think it is CRUCIAL to live with someone before marriage. There are so many things you don't know about each other when you don't live together, things that might make or break the relationship. Personally, I was engaged to this schmuck a few years ago, and I moved in with him. Within a MONTH I knew it would not work out. He ended up raising his fist to me over something, and I was out of there so fast he didn't even see it.

Not that that's going to happen to you, I'm just explaining why I feel so strongly about living with someone first. You really get to see their true colors. Could you imagine if I'd married him and THEN moved in? Yeesh.

Anyway, I think Boston would be a lovely area to move to. Then you could see each other on weekends, and form a great relationship without being in each other's faces. It would be kind of a huge step to go from long distance to living together. I think you'll find you'll want your own space sometimes.

I hope everything works out and good luck with the move!

EDIT: I have lived with my SO for one year and we've been together for two years. It has been great, and it hasn't hindered the "next step of the relationship" bit at all. In fact, my ring should be here pretty soon..
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suchende

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Feralpenchant, you raise a good point. Whether or not we move in together, officially or otherwise, doesn''t have much to do with what we should do right now. After 1+ years of long distance, we probably are not ready for that.
 

tlh

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I''ve "lived" with a boyfriend by default while paying rent someplace else. It was like a constant sleepover. It was annoying to his roomies, I am POSITIVE, and created a lot of different kind of stress.

I lived with my nowDH straight up as roomies from the get-go. Eh, life happens when you''re busy making plans. We lived in the same place, and paid rent on the same place. FAR LESS DRAMA that the other arrangements. Honestly. Since you each pay rent, it is very much like an accurate portrayal. We even had roomies in addition to us, and they cared a lot less about me, live in girlfriend who paid rent, than forever shacker girlfriend of the other roommate. But, eh, she sucked big time.

I know it doesn''t pertain to the current situation... but I''d move to Boston. There is a lot of unneccessary drama that is created with the girlfriend who constantly sleeps over but doesn''t pay rent. Roomies start to say stuff. Pull away from the friend... makes the guy ultimately have some harsh feelings because none of the roomies-friends seem to like the GF anymore. Sure you think they like you... and THEY DO... but you''re constant being there is a MAJOR infringement on their lives. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE THERE AND YOUR BF ISN''T. These feelings can sometimes hop over to the BF as he cannot understand what is so wrong with the girlfriend, and pulls back. The roomies don''t hate the GF, they just resent the fact that she acts like she lives there because her boyfriend does. And when she is over, when he isn''t, it removes the quiet privacy one so longs for when there are roomies... and now you have to entertain... EGH... so just be careful. I''m not sure that I''m making sense... but I hope my message comes through.
 

PrincessLily2009

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I''ve never been to Cambridge, but I have been to Boston, and I absolutely fell in love, so my vote is for Boston. Maybe you could look for a six month lease? I know they''re not as common, but they''re out there, and six months isn''t so long if you pick the "wrong" city.

Also, my ex-roommate''s boyfriend practically lived with us, and I HATED it. He would be there for over 24 hours consecutively, and he would just chill there while she was at class or working. I started to dread going home because I knew he would be there. Not good.
 

suchende

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Date: 5/7/2009 3:54:52 PM
Author: tlh
I''ve ''lived'' with a boyfriend by default while paying rent someplace else. It was like a constant sleepover. It was annoying to his roomies, I am POSITIVE, and created a lot of different kind of stress.

I lived with my nowDH straight up as roomies from the get-go. Eh, life happens when you''re busy making plans. We lived in the same place, and paid rent on the same place. FAR LESS DRAMA that the other arrangements. Honestly. Since you each pay rent, it is very much like an accurate portrayal. We even had roomies in addition to us, and they cared a lot less about me, live in girlfriend who paid rent, than forever shacker girlfriend of the other roommate. But, eh, she sucked big time.

I know it doesn''t pertain to the current situation... but I''d move to Boston. There is a lot of unneccessary drama that is created with the girlfriend who constantly sleeps over but doesn''t pay rent. Roomies start to say stuff. Pull away from the friend... makes the guy ultimately have some harsh feelings because none of the roomies-friends seem to like the GF anymore. Sure you think they like you... and THEY DO... but you''re constant being there is a MAJOR infringement on their lives. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE THERE AND YOUR BF ISN''T. These feelings can sometimes hop over to the BF as he cannot understand what is so wrong with the girlfriend, and pulls back. The roomies don''t hate the GF, they just resent the fact that she acts like she lives there because her boyfriend does. And when she is over, when he isn''t, it removes the quiet privacy one so longs for when there are roomies... and now you have to entertain... EGH... so just be careful. I''m not sure that I''m making sense... but I hope my message comes through.
Ahh, now this is pulling me back to Cambridge! He will have roommates, I will not. I will be very willing to commute, he will be busy at all hours. We cannot get in a routine of me staying in Cambridge with him and his roommates for the reasons you mentioned, but that seems like a temptation if my apartment is all the way in Boston. If my apartment were in Cambridge, he would just spend the night with me there.
 

LadyBlue

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First, I will consider how stong is my relationship. If the only reason you will stay in Cambridge is because of him, you have to be careful that the relationship is really solid, and you will not end up single in a place that you really don''t like. I will rather to stay in Boston at least in the begining, it''s a city with more oportunities to work, study, meet people and enjoy and if after a year me relationship is getting stronger, I would consider to follow him where he lives.
 
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