Lady in Waiting...I think....
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by inhisarms17 » September 1st, 2008, 1:10 pm
I definitely agree that you shouldn''t wear it until you have that commitment from him. Have you talked to him about this? That is really the only way to get to the bottom of what he''s thinking and what his meaning is behind him wanting you to wear it without asking the question.
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He says he does not have nearly the amount of thoughts I think he has. He tells me he wants to marry me and wants me to be his wife but says he has never proposed before. I am not sure if he is just scared or what.
I also think his one good friend may be an influence...when the ring first came to be, his friend gave him alot of grief for wanting to grow up. For wanting an adult role. I have never gotten a direct answer. He either avoids it or gets mad. |
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May I ask how long you''ve been together?
In my experience, if he avoids the topic or gets mad when you bring it up, then he just isn''t ready or maybe he just doesn''t know how he feels about it at this time OR it could be that he just wants to do all this on his own and not have you in on any of it. When you do talk about it, do you nag him? Or do you just lay it all out there and tell him why this is so important to you? If he feels as though you are only being nagging then he definitely won''t be open to discussing it. Guys are funny... they almost always are never ready at the exact moment we are... but we have to respect that. Just as they also have to respect how we feel about the subject. It''s hard... trust me, I know. |
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Oh but you did. You are not engaged. He didn''t even go pick up the ring. What kind of guy sends the girl to the jewelers to pick up her own engagement ring? Seriously.  He is either THE most clueless dude in the world, or he''s not ready to ask you to be his wife. Give him the ring back. See if he grows up or continues to ignore the 200 lb. gorilla in the room. This really sucks for you. Good luck 
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We have been together 9 months....I know. In most peoples eyes its not long. I am a very blunt person at times...a trait that he has a hard time with sometimes. I feel I am just telling him how I feel, but he does not seem to get why it is important to me. He takes it as nagging. He is not much of an open book on talking about feelings....he is of the belief guys are to be tough and not need anyone. He has been hurt alot in the past and still seems to lack the faith I will not be like his ex''s. I would rather just have the truth...at least then I can make informed choices. But it just feels like awkward limbo. |
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I have not given it back to him because I paid for a bulk of it. I make more money than he does so I contributed to help get it out sooner. Which I debate if that is part of the reason he tells me to keep them on....he calls them mine. After he told me I needed to be patient, combined with not being involved in picking it out or getting getting a proposal, I felt it was him saying not ready. So I wanted to sell them to get a right hand ring instead. I figured when he was ready, he could pick out a ring and propose. But he was dead set against me selling them. It seemed to offend him. Which is also part of my confusion. |
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The morning the ring was ready he gave me the portion of the money he had to give me but he was not ready to get up. So I went before the store closed. Jewelry stores to him what his game stores are to me. They do not interest him. For my birthday he looked for jewelry for about 2 hours, then gave me money the next day to pick out my own gift. Which also really does not mean anything to me cause he had nothing to do with picking it out. He could have picked out me out something hideous and given me a receipt or a card with something nice wrote in it....anything as long as it came from him. From the heart. You know...the effort that counts. He is 28. And I am starting to think he may not grow up anytime soon. |
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Hi FairieMoon,
While I have no answer as to why it offends him that you want to sell a ring that he doesn''t seem to want you to have in the first place, I must say that in a relationship, when one party is not ready, the other party who''s ready will just have to wait for him/her to catch up, or bail out. That was the experience that I had with my ex-FI (now-BF). After being together for 4 years, he finally proposed to me under my constant mentioning of it (nagging, according to him). A year on, he told me that he wasn''t ready at that point when he proposed. He felt that he couldn''t go on without tell me, so he did. I returned him the ring. That, in combination with several smaller issues really put a strain on our relationship and we almost broke up. I guess it was also a reflection of the poor communication that we had thruout our 4 years. We''re currently working very hard to patch things up. I think what you need to do is to tell him how you feel ready to be engaged (without actually putting the pressure on him), and listen what he has to say about it. I think if you can find out what''s going thru his mind, you''ll probably know wot to do. Good luck! 
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I agree with Purrfect in that I do think that he gave you his answer. I don''t mean to be harsh but just summarizing-
you paid for the majority of the ring, you picked it, you collected it, you wore it without him proposing yet. I think that the reason that he didn''t mind you wearing the ring was that he doesn''t feel that it''s an e-ring. I think that you guys need to sit down and talk about things, see how he''s feeling etc. D hates jewellery stores also but for our e-ring, he was right there beside me picking it out. You might have to give him time if you do want a proposal. I know that he''s 28, but 9 months really isn''t that long a time, so I would give him more time to propose etc. |
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hi, faerie! sorry you''re in a rough situation -- i think the ladies who''ve answered before me have given a lot of good insight. i think you''re rationalizing away some serious issues -- he should have helped choose the ring even if he doesn''t like jewelry stores, he should have picked it up, he should have given it to you.
it sounds like he''s not ready for that commitment, and you should definitely talk to him about what he sees for your future. i might consider returning that ring, if this is going to be an issue, that ring might always hold some bad feelings for you that you don''t want associated with something so special. sorry!! i really hope everything turns out ok for you! |
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I think the whole process really started out kind of wrong. You may have 'jumped the gun' a bit in getting a ring on your own without much participation/financial contribution from him, and without much of an ndication that he was ready to propose. It's true that you both wanted to get something that you loved - but was there any reason to get it right away? Did y'all discuss engagement/marriage happening in the near future, and was he onboard with that before you got the ring? If not, I can understand his hesitation. Plus, 9 months isn't a very long time at all. He may just not be ready to take things to a higher level just yet....and he shouldn't be nudged into doing that just because the ring is already in your possession. I would've suggested selling it, but I see that you offered to do that and he was against it. I agree with giving it back to him as others suggested and letting him propose when he's ready. Maybe the two of you should have an earnest talk as to when that would most likely be. |
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Personally I think you hit the nail on the head there. He''s not ready for the commitment but he wants other guys you may come into contact with to think you are completely spoken for. My advice, return the ring, if he gets upset, explain to him what you have said here, the ring is a symbol of your commitment to each other, if he has a problem with that, then tell him when he''s ready you guys can pick the ring out together. I agree with LostSapphire, seeing it on you may have freaked him out, he might think that nine months is too soon. Be honest with him. Talking to him is the only way you''re going to know. Believe me, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I finally had the Future discussion with my boyfriend. Good Luck!! |
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If he is not ready, I am fine with that. But I would rather him just be honest with me. But he is not a talker. And I know from being previously married that when you have trouble talking, it leads downhill. But he is the king of fielding questions and avoiding what he does not want to discuss. Not sure if it is to save my feelings or what. |
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I just want some sort of consistency. 2 weeks ago he was calling me his fiancee. When I have the ring off, he takes it as me not loving him. And he truly seems clueless as to why I feel like I do--he is just not into emotion. |
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Thanks:) If he does reach a point of proposing, I do want to use my current rings to put toward something we both pick out. Or something he picks out. I want to look at a ring and know exactly how he feels. I want to know without a doubt he wants to spend his life with me. |
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[Quote] I think the whole process really started out kind of wrong. You may have ''jumped the gun'' a bit in getting a ring on your own without much participation/financial contribution from him, and without much of an ndication that he was ready to propose. It''s true that you both wanted to get something that you loved - but was there any reason to get it right away? Did y''all discuss engagement/marriage happening in the near future, and was he onboard with that before you got the ring? If not, I can understand his hesitation. Plus, 9 months isn''t a very long time at all. He may just not be ready to take things to a higher level just yet....and he shouldn''t be nudged into doing that just because the ring is already in your possession. I would''ve suggested selling it, but I see that you offered to do that and he was against it. I agree with giving it back to him as others suggested and letting him propose when he''s ready. Maybe the two of you should have an earnest talk as to when that would most likely be. He had told me many times that he would take me down to town hall on our next day off. He called me his little wifey. And said I could be his short haired bride. This was all before the ring came to be in my possession. He said it was no rush, we had talked about it. But he is the king of doing one thing, then thinks about it later or has influence from his one friend that makes him take back what he originally said. He still tells me now I can be his wife anytime I want. I talked to a friend of ours over the weekend that has known him longer than I have--she said that when she found out we were engaged from him, he was very happy and positive about it. Which is why I am confused. If he feels that way, I do not understand why asking is so hard. |
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If he knows other guys are hitting on me, he tells me to show them my hand or to tell them I am engaged. He told me I would get a ring from him after he got his raise in October. Maybe thats is when I will get a proposal if he sticks to it. I have had those conversations before where after talking you are just like ah, relief. But I am the queen of passive. Out of fear he will deem talking as nagging, I will probably just wait it out and see how it goes. Without the ring on. |
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It seems like a very hard situation to live with. Will you be ok marrying someone who is not into emotion or who doesn''t want to have a proper conversation about the future with you? Evaluate what you want for yourself also. |
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Perhaps instead of offering to sell them, you can might have got a different reaction had you just ''given'' them to him and told him that they are his to present to you and propose to you with. By the looks of it, it seems that his ego may be a little bit sensitive to the fact that you are in a stronger financial position than he is and the fact that you actually DID go out and purchase the ring primarily on your own screamed (to him anyway) "Well I don''t really NEED you anyway cause, looka here bruh, I GOT this on my own"  .Men are very funny, very sensitive, and perhaps had you voiced your concern to him that you are marriage minded, and ALLOWED him to arrive at a proposal at his OWN timing and means, he would have not only had the mechanics ( funds to purchase, and or ring itself) but the momentum/ dynamics to start participating in the engagement itself by showing some enthusiasm about the upcoming marriage...... It''s blatantly abnormal for a man to be in ANY type of engagement period and not actually be excited, let alone acknowledment of the marriage soon to follow.... If I understand correctly, it is sopposed to be a declaration of his INTENTION to marry you??????Listen, I have nothing against you personally, I don''t even know you, but I feel your pain and confusion. That being said, There is much to say on how you went about this contributing to the predicament that you are in. In saying that much, you can still attempt to save the situation by letting him know that you realize that the way you went about it all may have made him feel as though he had no part to play in the process...... In Esscence what you did was strip him of something by right is sopposed to be the man''s honor to do. Let him know you acknowledge that you making more money put you in a position financially ONLY to purchase the ring, but that you now realise was HIS ROLE TO PLAY.... If it were me, and I loved this man with all that''s in me, and I saw what I can see from the outside, that really you prolly hurt his ego by practically ELIMINATING him from the process altogether, combined with the possibility that he just may have a problem adjsuting to the fact that you are carrying the relationship financially.... Hell I''d give him the ring, let him know you''re marriage minded and see what he does with it..... *****(Now mind you, I''m not saying there is anything wrong wit u holdin'' it down, cause at any time in a relationship, can one person be the breadwinner due to any number of circumstances... I''m just sayin, being that this is the case in your situation, he''s prolly saying to himself, "well if this is how the engagement is gonna be when I am not in a position to do what I gotta do as a man, how''s the marriage gonna be Is she ALWAYS gonna just roll like I''m not even here??? Unh unh, see I can''t have that see, but I just don''t know how to tell her...."If he really wants you to be his wife the way you want him to be your husband, he WILL recognise that you tookt that step in giving him a moment that he prolly feels is ALL that he has left of his own considering you are the one "holding things down" so to speak.... Hope that helps, sorry so long, but just my humble opinion..... |
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Good!! i think that''s a really healthy decision for you, engagement rings should hold only positive vibes!! from all of your response posts, it seems like you''re starting to get a pretty good handle on your situation, which is great!! i''m so glad we could help you! you''ve identified your biggest problem to be a lack of communication, mostly on his part. you need to work on that! that''s a huge hurdle for couples but it IS FIXABLE! maybe couples counseling would be a good idea! i wish you both so much happiness in the future, good luck!! |
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I wanted to give everyone an update on what I ended up deciding...
He had a night of getting super drunk, which lead to some very hurtful things being said. In the end, I could not wear the engagement rings anymore because I felt sad looking at them. I associated them with the things that had been said not only that night but in the past. I went to a jewelry store and traded the engagement rings on a green garnet with diamonds in a neat setting. When he is ready to be an adult and deal with things, we can talk about engagement. But until then, we are in a relationship. I feel better this way, and stronger. |
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I'm sorry things are tough right now, but on the plus side, your sense of perspective is pretty great: these two things are super important! I'm glad you're feeling better and stronger; you should enjoy being in a relationship with him. I think it's especially hard as a LIW to get the focus off an engagement/marriage and get back to why we want that engagement/marriage - because we love being with our guys. Good luck, and when the time comes, you'll have so much fun picking out rings together! |
