just when you thought....

[snogirl17]

you had everything figured out and you knew you were on the right path, something comes along like a discussion and well hesitations or concerns come out of the wood work from the other party. concerns that really do not sit well with me... makes me feel like i am ready for something that just isn''t going to happen any time soon.

Sorry for being kind of cryptic about the subject, but i feel much better putting it out here and getting it off my chest.

 

[luckystar112]

What happened?

 

[snogirl17]

well after i think about it, really really think about it.. it is kind of silly.. he has come from a string of failed relationships because of his past girlfriends cheating on him and what not... he is apparently afraid of the what if''s in life. He is afraid that i "could" do something like that. It all started because we are living together in a house that we rent from his parents, he wants to buy it... but i want US to buy it. we both pay the same, i have stuck some money into the house as well and I just think if he had intentions of us being married someday, why not?

Somehow the subject came up... what if it didn''t work out, then what... i said... If you did something stupid (like cheat or whatever) then i would want half of the house... What i should have said first was, depending on the situation we are in that will decide... it is like we are setting this up for failure already???? he thinks if for some reason it didn''t work out (because no matter how much we all think it wont happen to us, it could) i would take him for everything he is worth.. and really I wouldn''t, i can support myself I know this sounds horrible and this is not the whole story, and i do not like to air my dirty laundry out because it never comes out right...

i think the bottom line is i am ready and i do not feel that he is.. he sees everyone around us getting divorces and it scares him.. it scares me too, however i know we can make it. I am rambling and this doesnt make any sense... i just needed to vent

 

[luckystar112]

No, I completely understand what you mean.
I have been with my BF for as long as you, and have lived with him as long as you as well.

My boyfriend bought a house a couple of years ago, and it is 100% in his name. I was fine with that at the time, since we weren''t exactly talking marriage yet or anything. But...every once in a while he''ll say something so completely ridiculous that I get freaked out about our relationship. For instance, we''ll be joking around and I''ll tell him he has to go sleep on the couch. He''ll say something like, "No, you''ll sleep on the couch...this is my house." Stuff like that. Isn''t it "our" house? Well, if it isn''t...he can clean it himself.

I know he doesn''t mean to hurt my feelings when he does stuff like that, but all I know is that my name is going on it the day we get married.

I''d be on it right now if he let me.

I hope this works out for you. I know how it feels to be let down about stuff like that. From what you said about his ex girlfriends, this is HIS problem and not yours. I would talk to him again, because I really think he should be secure in his relationship by now.

 

[Harleigh]

Oh, you poor thing...all I can say again is, I feel your pain, but hang in there! We are all here for you to vent to, and we''ve all been where you are right now, or at least somewhere close. Sending hugs your way, Beanie!

Harleigh

 

[snogirl17]

thanks ladies!

Lucky, I like your comment about the cleaning of the house! That made me laugh! I guess after sleeping on it, i am not going to have this "poison" our relationship. We have talked marriage and i know he believes in it and wants to marry me, and i him.. I just feel since we are making this house ours together, with paint and putting in new windows and crown molding and other things, why not make it our house when we buy it. It would have been 100% different if he had already purchased before i moved in.. but i have put just as much time and effort in to this house (well kinda, i am not the best in painting

) After reading this again, it almost makes me sound materialistic or petty, but really it just makes sense to me.

Harleigh, thanks for the support, it just makes me feel better to come and vent! I love him and he loves me, we just need to stop being so stubborn and rationally discuss this. We need to TAKE the blinders off!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 7/8/2007 12:15:17 AM
Author: luckystar112

My boyfriend bought a house a couple of years ago, and it is 100% in his name. I was fine with that at the time, since we weren''t exactly talking marriage yet or anything. But...every once in a while he''ll say something so completely ridiculous that I get freaked out about our relationship. For instance, we''ll be joking around and I''ll tell him he has to go sleep on the couch. He''ll say something like, ''No, you''ll sleep on the couch...this is my house.'' Stuff like that. Isn''t it ''our'' house? Well, if it isn''t...he can clean it himself.

I know he doesn''t mean to hurt my feelings when he does stuff like that, but all I know is that my name is going on it the day we get married.

I''d be on it right now if he let me.

Honestly, it would really piss me off if my s/o said that to me (this is my house) even in jest.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/8/2007 3:04:29 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 7/8/2007 12:15:17 AM

Author: luckystar112


My boyfriend bought a house a couple of years ago, and it is 100% in his name. I was fine with that at the time, since we weren''t exactly talking marriage yet or anything. But...every once in a while he''ll say something so completely ridiculous that I get freaked out about our relationship. For instance, we''ll be joking around and I''ll tell him he has to go sleep on the couch. He''ll say something like, ''No, you''ll sleep on the couch...this is my house.'' Stuff like that. Isn''t it ''our'' house? Well, if it isn''t...he can clean it himself.

I know he doesn''t mean to hurt my feelings when he does stuff like that, but all I know is that my name is going on it the day we get married.

I''d be on it right now if he let me.

Honestly, it would really piss me off if my s/o said that to me (this is my house) even in jest.

Oh it does. Even though he is joking, I don''t like it at all.
I mean, I know that he really considers this my house too, but it''s weird. Like, if I want to paint a room or something, I feel like I have to ask permission...when really he could care less what I do with the house. It''s hard, because I feel like it''s my house most of the time, and then every once in a while I realize that no...I just live here. More than a roomate, but less than an equal.
But at the time, it made the most sense to keep it in his name. It would have been insane to go in on it together. I have put a lot of work into it though.

 

[janinegirly]

this kind of brings up an interesting topic--when is it "our house" and when is it "his house"? (if he is the one who purchased it out right?). I'm engaged now, but we live in an apt my fiance purchased before we became serious. i moved in with him, and while it's "our home" , i know it's his investment/asset and I would never demand to have my name on the deed. If we bought it together, or I had contributed..different story.
Anyway, i agree he shouldn't be saying "hey this is my house", but on the flip side, it actually is his house, and unless you put $ down, or were involved in the process from the getgo, that's how the law sees it too (until you get married). Not to be the devil's advocate, but picture if you had saved for years and finally had enough to buy a home. Then you meet someone, they move in, and start locking the door on you or telling you to sleep on the couch. I'd be annyoed and want to say "this is MY house, buddy!". Just a view from the other side..

as for beanie's original post, i think she's are correct to get a little concerned by what he's saying. in a way, i think it's not good to invest in a house until marriage is imminent. despite failed previous relationships, he's with you now, and the easiest way to find about all the "what ifs" is for him to take the next step forward so it isn't so awkward wondering which scenario might unfold and waht to do if things don't progress,etc. it makes it more complicated to put the cart in front of the horse so to speak. i'd say you should talk to him about this--i don't know your whole story, so i'm sorry if i'm way off. hope things get better!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/8/2007 4:40:46 PM
Author: janinegirly
this kind of brings up an interesting topic--when is it 'our house' and when is it 'his house'? (if he is the one who purchased it out right?). I'm engaged now, but we live in an apt my fiance purchased before we became serious. i moved in with him, and while it's 'our home' , i know it's his investment/asset and I would never demand to have my name on the deed. If we bought it together, or I had contributed..different story.
Anyway, i agree he shouldn't be saying 'hey this is my house', but on the flip side, it actually is his house, and unless you put $ down, or were involved in the process from the getgo, that's how the law sees it too (until you get married). Not to be the devil's advocate, but picture if you had saved for years and finally had enough to buy a home. Then you meet someone, they move in, and start locking the door on you or telling you to sleep on the couch. I'd be annyoed and want to say 'this is MY house, buddy!'. Just a view from the other side..

Totally. I went with him to look at houses, and helped him pick this one. He bought the house, I had nothing to do with that. But, I pay a percentage of the mortgage every month, I have helped out with a lot of the upgrades, and have done all the painting myself, and this house is 100% furnished with my stuff. Except his bed, which is in the guest bedroom. He never had a reason to have furniture before me, because he lived with roomates and they had their own stuff. So if he ever decided he wanted to kick me out (lol) he would have his bed and his clothes...and "his" house.


So, technically the house is not mine and won't be unless I'm on the deed. But figuratively speaking I have put just as much in this house as he has.

ETA for others that that is usually how the argument goes. We'll play fight, and I'll tell him to get off "my" bed, and he'll tell me to get out of "his" house. So, we are 100% joking, but I still don't like it.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 7/8/2007 5:38:48 PM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 7/8/2007 4:40:46 PM
Author: janinegirly
this kind of brings up an interesting topic--when is it ''our house'' and when is it ''his house''? (if he is the one who purchased it out right?). I''m engaged now, but we live in an apt my fiance purchased before we became serious. i moved in with him, and while it''s ''our home'' , i know it''s his investment/asset and I would never demand to have my name on the deed. If we bought it together, or I had contributed..different story.
Anyway, i agree he shouldn''t be saying ''hey this is my house'', but on the flip side, it actually is his house, and unless you put $ down, or were involved in the process from the getgo, that''s how the law sees it too (until you get married). Not to be the devil''s advocate, but picture if you had saved for years and finally had enough to buy a home. Then you meet someone, they move in, and start locking the door on you or telling you to sleep on the couch. I''d be annyoed and want to say ''this is MY house, buddy!''. Just a view from the other side..

Totally. I went with him to look at houses, and helped him pick this one. He bought the house, I had nothing to do with that. But, I pay a percentage of the mortgage every month, I have helped out with a lot of the upgrades, and have done all the painting myself, and this house is 100% furnished with my stuff. Except his bed, which is in the guest bedroom. He never had a reason to have furniture before me, because he lived with roomates and they had their own stuff. So if he ever decided he wanted to kick me out (lol) he would have his bed and his clothes...and ''his'' house.


So, technically the house is not mine and won''t be unless I''m on the deed. But figuratively speaking I have put just as much in this house as he has.

ETA for others that that is usually how the argument goes. We''ll play fight, and I''ll tell him to get off ''my'' bed, and he''ll tell me to get out of ''his'' house. So, we are 100% joking, but I still don''t like it.

You are too funny! I totally get what you''re saying and going through. Hang in there!

Harleigh

 

[Pandora II]

When I met FI he had already bought our house.

I was getting antsy after about a year and a hlf of dating because he was so adamant he didn''t like the idea of marriage. I was prepared to settle for no wedding ring, but I wasn''t prepared to spend years and years with someone and split up and find myself heading 40 with nothing to show for it.

So I spent a lot of time looking at properties in my parent''s hometown and abroad, where prices were affordable for me - London was way out of my range on my own. I did this very openly in front of FI.

He was wanting to do a lot to the house - and wanted my design skills. I was rather wary about putting too much into what wasn''t mine and I think it showed. After about 6 weeks, he tells me he''s had the house revalued and would I like to convert my rent money into mortgage money and buy 50% of the property. I never signed anything so fast!

The proposal came 7 months later!

Some people need everything inputed on nice little spreadsheet (like my FI), some people need a ballpark idea of what is in their account (me!). There is so much in the news about men getting stung in divorce cases (quite rightly sometimes!) that some of them are very nervous. My FI''s parents split up after 20 odd years and 4 kids, so he''s somewhat nervous.

When we discussed it, I made it clear that I play fair - I''ve walked out of a 7 year relationship taking nothing in the past. However, if he waltzes of with his secretary after 15 years when I''ve brought up his kids - he''d better get a damn good lawyer because I won''t be very amused. He seemed to think that seemed fair!

One thing I will throw out here - I dated men in their 20''s who seemed to want to spend time ''playing house'' and weren''t ready to share properly. It was always "my house", "my bedroom" and they didn''t like it if I bought new things or changed things round. One guy I moved out and told him to call me when he''d finished playing and was ready to be a grown-up.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 7/7/2007 11:28:53 PM
Author: beanie
well after i think about it, really really think about it.. it is kind of silly.. he has come from a string of failed relationships because of his past girlfriends cheating on him and what not... he is apparently afraid of the what if''s in life. He is afraid that i ''could'' do something like that. It all started because we are living together in a house that we rent from his parents, he wants to buy it... but i want US to buy it. we both pay the same, i have stuck some money into the house as well and I just think if he had intentions of us being married someday, why not?

Somehow the subject came up... what if it didn''t work out, then what... i said... If you did something stupid (like cheat or whatever) then i would want half of the house... What i should have said first was, depending on the situation we are in that will decide... it is like we are setting this up for failure already???? he thinks if for some reason it didn''t work out (because no matter how much we all think it wont happen to us, it could) i would take him for everything he is worth.. and really I wouldn''t, i can support myself I know this sounds horrible and this is not the whole story, and i do not like to air my dirty laundry out because it never comes out right...

i think the bottom line is i am ready and i do not feel that he is.. he sees everyone around us getting divorces and it scares him.. it scares me too, however i know we can make it. I am rambling and this doesnt make any sense... i just needed to vent

I''m sorry you''re upset and facing these hurdles, but I really do think it is wisest to not buy a house together at this time, it is a sticky financial situation, and yes, what IF you break up? That''s not being pessimistic, it''s being realistic. When you marry you can join your finances.... but if he buys it I wouldn''t pay him rent LOL I dunno, I don''t like couples not being on equal footing... so in a way it would be better if you both owned it.... but buying from his parents and getting entrinched without a permanent commitment is throwing flags for me.

 

[janinegirly]

i still think adding touches around the house, helping with upgrades and being there when he looked at the house doesn't make it equally both of your house. By buying the house he put quite a bit of cash down, 100% on his own, and that's why only his name is on the deed. If he considers it your house too (before marriage), then you should ask him about being added to the deed. I think that's the true way of finding out how he sees it.
paying a % of the mortgage is essentially rent..