Is it wrong

[ckrickett]

My friend just got engaged, and I''m super excited for her I really am. But part of me is sad because I know SO is off in his own realm of when he wants to propose and I just get sad. He wants to create a timeline, budget and stuff based on other couples we know rather then whats right for us, and that bothers me. am I wrong for thinking this?

 

[Bjedifish]

No. I TOTALLY understand, When I was in Ireland with my BF this past February I was on edge the whole time thinking, what better place then Ireland where his roots are from! Then a couple we were traveling with got engaged at the EXACT place and time I had been dreaming it would happen for us...I was devastated! Sure I was happy for them, but at the same time, jealous, bitter and confused. I kept thinking, WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN!!! So again, no Ckrickett, feel no shame, sometimes we all feel that sadness wishing it could be us. And one day, hopefully very soon, it will be.

Laura

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 6/24/2009 7:11:15 AM
Author: Bjedifish
No. I TOTALLY understand, When I was in Ireland with my BF this past February I was on edge the whole time thinking, what better place then Ireland where his roots are from! Then a couple we were traveling with got engaged at the EXACT place and time I had been dreaming it would happen for us...I was devastated! Sure I was happy for them, but at the same time, jealous, bitter and confused. I kept thinking, WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN!!! So again, no Ckrickett, feel no shame, sometimes we all feel that sadness wishing it could be us. And one day, hopefully very soon, it will be.

Laura

yeah Im all excited for her, the ring is gorgeous and the proposal was so them (he is a tattoo artist and tattooed a ring on him with the words marry me) it was really sweet. I just want it to be my turn gosh darned it.

 

[suchende]

Ugh. I would feel the same way. *hug*

 

[Lauren8211]

CK, you know that''s totally normal.

It''s hard to watch other people get what you want! Just because you envy a bit doesn''t mean you''re a bad person.

As long as you can still be happy for other people, you''re OK in my book.

It''s not right to base your timeline on other couples... and you should make that quite clear to your BF. Maybe another talk is in order?

 

[Bia]

Not wrong. Totally normal.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 6/24/2009 9:33:11 AM
Author: elledizzy5
CK, you know that''s totally normal.

It''s hard to watch other people get what you want! Just because you envy a bit doesn''t mean you''re a bad person.

As long as you can still be happy for other people, you''re OK in my book.

It''s not right to base your timeline on other couples... and you should make that quite clear to your BF. Maybe another talk is in order?

yeah I know.

I mean if he wanted to wait a decade because that''s what he thought was right, I would cringe but I would do it, since this is the man I want to spend my life with. But he wants to wait (and not that long) because so and so couple waited that long and he sees that as a good starting point. YES I see where he is coming from but we are our own couple we shouldn''t be basing our relationship off of other people. Same thing with the ering budget awhile ago he had a larger budget, but now so and so couple spent this much and he wants to lower it. Now I''m completely OK with that if he didn''t lower it because of them. but still it wasn''t based on our salaries, our finances our budget, he adopted their budget which is what irks me!

i

 

[Winks_Elf]

What you are feeling is completely normal, but I''d ask him why he feels the need to keep up with the Jones''. Seriously, that would worry me for the future. If they get divorced, will he be talking to a lawyer? Think about it.

 

[suchende]

Date: 6/24/2009 10:12:17 AM
Author: ckrickett
yeah I know.

I mean if he wanted to wait a decade because that''s what he thought was right, I would cringe but I would do it, since this is the man I want to spend my life with. But he wants to wait (and not that long) because so and so couple waited that long and he sees that as a good starting point. YES I see where he is coming from but we are our own couple we shouldn''t be basing our relationship off of other people. Same thing with the ering budget awhile ago he had a larger budget, but now so and so couple spent this much and he wants to lower it. Now I''m completely OK with that if he didn''t lower it because of them. but still it wasn''t based on our salaries, our finances our budget, he adopted their budget which is what irks me!

i

Have you framed it that way? Like, "Peter and Sara spent x% of their income on a ring, so our original budget was actually very similar to theirs, proportionally.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 6/24/2009 10:18:35 AM
Author: Winks_Elf
What you are feeling is completely normal, but I''d ask him why he feels the need to keep up with the Jones''. Seriously, that would worry me for the future. If they get divorced, will he be talking to a lawyer? Think about it.

I would worry about that. But he has the same idea on marriage that I do. Marriage is forever unless the other person does something despicable (cheating, murdering, harming children)
We have had that talk so I''m not so worried about that.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 6/24/2009 10:19:45 AM
Author: suchende

Date: 6/24/2009 10:12:17 AM
Author: ckrickett
yeah I know.

I mean if he wanted to wait a decade because that''s what he thought was right, I would cringe but I would do it, since this is the man I want to spend my life with. But he wants to wait (and not that long) because so and so couple waited that long and he sees that as a good starting point. YES I see where he is coming from but we are our own couple we shouldn''t be basing our relationship off of other people. Same thing with the ering budget awhile ago he had a larger budget, but now so and so couple spent this much and he wants to lower it. Now I''m completely OK with that if he didn''t lower it because of them. but still it wasn''t based on our salaries, our finances our budget, he adopted their budget which is what irks me!

i

Have you framed it that way? Like, ''Peter and Sara spent x% of their income on a ring, so our original budget was actually very similar to theirs, proportionally.

He doesn''t see why you have to spend loads on a ring. I mean whatever budget he comes up with I will respect. I even told him that he can propose whenever and we can get a ring when we can afford it (thus saving longer and getting a better ring /crosses fingers) But I don;t want something crazy big (well i do) but something we can afford that wont hurt us financially, plus I want to pay in cash.

Their budget was ridiculously close to ours, ours was alittle more but when he saw her ring and how much it cost he immediatly was like "you need to see her ring, its great thats what you should want) and it IS beautiful, but not my tastes AT ALL..... sob... men.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I don''t see anything wrong with feeling sad about that. It''s too bad that he wants to create all the timelines and budgets based on other couples however...

 

[D&T]

normal. not wrong.

 

[tlh]

so normal. I was the first in my close group of friends to get engaged though... and I was getting jealous of people I didn''t even know... friends of co-workers, strangers at baseball games, etc etc... anyone that was engaged while I was in wait... I ENVIED.

 

[vip0802]

ckrickett, *HUGS* to one of my favorite PS''ers! i totally and completely understand where you''re coming from! i feel like i''m in a similar boat as you at the moment. BF and i have been together for 3 years, but we''ve been friends for 8 or 9. he''s 30 and i''ll be 29 in a little over a month. some of our friends have either gotten engaged, married, expecting and/or already have kids and although i''m so over the moon happy for them, i can''t help but sometimes feel like, "ok, when is it going to be our turn?". our family and friends are always bugging us when he''ll pop the question and his answer is always, "it''ll happen". he''s the type to always be prepared, so he wants everything to be set and perfect before he proposes. he wants his finances in order and he doesn''t feel satisfied with proposing in the condo we''re living at. he wants us to have a nicer home to "start" our lives. although i agree with what he''s trying to do, i wondered if it was because he feels our friends are better off financially than we are (i.e. nice home, good job, nice car, nice engagement ring, etc...). after talking about it with him, he said it had a little bit to do with that, but it was more along the lines of him making sure my family and his family knew that he was able to provide and take care of me. he said, "honey, you know i love you and i would be so proud to be able to call you my wife, but i want to do it right. i want to make sure that after you agree to marry me, we''ll have the means to have our dream wedding and after that, have a good home where we can raise our kids.". hmpf, i guess i can''t argue with that...i HATE it when he''s right!

i guess i''m a bit more impatient or maybe i just love jewelry so much...i just want my ring and proposal dammit! my mom owns a jewelry store (hence my love for jewelry), so we''re lucky in the sense that he would probably get good deal for a nice ring. i mean, sure we''re tight on money at the moment (who isn''t?) and sure, we live in one of the most expensive counties in the US but, can''t i have my sparkly now please?

anyway back to all seriousness, maybe you should ask him why he''s basing your budget and timeline on other couples. it could be a "monkey-see, monkey-do" behavior thing. maybe since the time he knew you were the one, he didn''t know how much to spend on a ring or how long to wait so he based it on couples around him? either way, i would let him know that this is bothering you and tell him, like you said, "we shouldn''t be basing our relationship off of other people". you shouldn''t feel wrong about feeling this way! we all feel that tinge of sadness and perhaps a little envy when it could be us too but, we should consider ourselves lucky that we found the men to spend the rest of our lives with. just like my BF says, "it''ll happen"...the hard part is just waiting for it.

 

[Indylady]

I don''t know you SO, obviously, but perhaps he is using his friends and their relationships as a barometer of sorts on how to progress? I think that his intention is not so much to follow or mimic, but just sketch out a rough timeline of what''s ''normal''.

I know this probably sounds offhand, but I think its just about the same feeling that a lot of LIW''s get. The kind of, ''She''s engaged! I wanna be engaged!'' little thought bubble that runs across our minds. Of course, we don''t LITERALLY mean that, we mean something more along the lines of, ''gee, that sounds awfully nice, I can''t wait till I get there too!'' more than anything. Does that make any sense? I think that, when he does propose, etc., he WILL do things when its right for the two of you. I think that if he starts talking about things as he sees other people talking/doing them, its just cause human nature kicking in and reminding them that they are things he wants to do too. Just a thought!

 

[Erinleigh]

I actually have the opposite problem. Our friends are getting engaged and married, and when I *ahem* mention it to him (read: whine about when my turn is, lol) he just says ''it''ll happen for us when the time is right for us''. So I feel your pain in waiting... hard to not feels pangs of jealousy every time you see a new sparkly on a gf''s hand!

 

[ckrickett]

Aw thanks ladies.

We had a talk the other day and he said sometime in 3 months (my birthday is august 16th and his is august 30th) so I''m thinking...HOPING it is around them.
I told him he can save money on a BDAY gift and just propose, but I doubt he wil llisten to me.

Now at least 3 more months of waiting.....

 

[vaethn]

I want to say something from another perspective in reagrds to your friend. If you feel a little envious, in your heart, that is okay but I really hope that you have not taken anything away from her. A few of my friends did that to me. They had been with their bfs for five, six, seven years and my fiance proposed after three. They were envious. They came to our party where we officially announced our engagement and they made sure to not even discuss it that night...no can I see the ring...how did he propose etc. I think I got one muffled congratulations and that was after I had given one of my very own gifts to the girl.

I am not saying that this is how you reacted but I am just letting you know that you should not feel ashamed for feeling that way but make sure that your friend doesnt have a clue because it actually really hurts. My friends have taken away from mine and it is not fair because I am sure that when they get engaged, it will be all about them. Just be happy for your friend and she will right there by your side when it happens for you

Good luck with getting engaged. Three months will be here before you know it!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

No...you''re not wrong...those are your feelings, and you''re entitled to feel them.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 6/29/2009 2:58:29 PM
Author: Nicki
I want to say something from another perspective in reagrds to your friend. If you feel a little envious, in your heart, that is okay but I really hope that you have not taken anything away from her. A few of my friends did that to me. They had been with their bfs for five, six, seven years and my fiance proposed after three. They were envious. They came to our party where we officially announced our engagement and they made sure to not even discuss it that night...no can I see the ring...how did he propose etc. I think I got one muffled congratulations and that was after I had given one of my very own gifts to the girl.

I am not saying that this is how you reacted but I am just letting you know that you should not feel ashamed for feeling that way but make sure that your friend doesnt have a clue because it actually really hurts. My friends have taken away from mine and it is not fair because I am sure that when they get engaged, it will be all about them. Just be happy for your friend and she will right there by your side when it happens for you

Good luck with getting engaged. Three months will be here before you know it!

I''m not like that... but I can see how girls can be catty. I''m actually really excited for her. She lives out of state and Im thinking of what I want to mail her for her engagement present from me. She has been with some real losers and now has a guy that loves her and treats her like gold. I wouldnt want to take away from that.

I just want my time.. thats all.