I should be happy but...

[ammayernyc]

I just got my high school newsletter... it seems like everyone got married! That was basically the whole newsletter -- who got married when and where. Even a couple of complete geeks (not that I was so cool but...) are married.

It''s not that I don''t wish these people well, but it just adds to the feeling that I am never going to get married!!!

 

[snow_happy]

even geeks need love

don''t worry everyone works on a different timeline

... if you are happy with your life then who cares about how you compare with others right ?

 

[wcitygirl]

No, it''s ok. I understand. Amma -- I think it''s natural to feel a little disappointed. Snow, I think the problem is that we AREN''T necessarily happy in where we are in life. We''re ready to move forward and our bfs or sos are sort of dragging their feet. I mean, other things like our job and finances may (or may NOT?

) be in order, but we''re still sort of waiting for this part? I know when I was SUPER stressed (I''ve been weirdly zen about this lately) about this and I would hear about other people getting married, my heart would sink just a little. Not because I wasn''t happy for them because I genuinely was, but because a part of me wished it was me?

Amma -- don''t worry, it will happen! At least your bf will go and look at rings with you. [insert eye roll here....] It sounds like you and your bf are on the right path. Hey -- maybe next newsletter, you can post engagement news? (or wedding news depending on how often it comes out!)

Cheer up! And get excited about those Asschers!!

 

[aeli]

I understand exactly what you''re going through, although my story is probably a little different. My first love was my college boyfriend. We had been together 5 years and had started ring shopping, when suddenly he announced that it was over. Not even a week later, 4 women in the office announced their engagements and were flashing huge, beautiful rings. Being in a very small office, it seemed like everyone was celebrating their good news but me. I was thrilled for them, but so bummed for myself.

Flash forward several years. I went to my 10 year high school reunion last year and the majority of the people were not married...some who had married were already divorced. Somehow (even though I''m almost 30 now), I felt too young to be a wife. Strange...I felt so ready at 24, but not at 28/29. Just rest assured that when the time is right, it will happen for you.

 

[Erin]

Geeks?

''There ain''t a pot so crooked you can''t find a lid to fit it''

 

[windy1365]

I think that it is better to wait and get married later in life (late twenties... early thirties) when you know what you want in life. If you marry at a young age, there is a huge chance that as you grow older, you will grow apart. I changed so much between the age of 18 and 27. If I had married my high school sweetheart (who I was engaged to), I would either be divorced or miserable right now.

Think about this.... the single women envy the married women... and the married women envy the single women who don''t have kids and a husband to have to deal with every night!! So, while your sitting their envying those people, they are probably doing the same to you!!!

 

[windy1365]

I just realized that I used ''their'' instead of there. Sorry!!!

 

[windy1365]

And I used ''your'' instead of ''you''re''. That is just terrible because I make fun of my fiancee when he misuses words.

 

[snow_happy]

wcitygirl and ammayernyc--

I''m really sorry if I seemed insensitive in my post. I know we are anxious LIWs and I didn''t mean to discount any feelings you are having. Each one of us has a different story and different situations. What I meant to say was that having someone in your life that loves you is already a step in the right direction.

I apologize again if I made anyone feel bad.

 

[windy1365]

Maybe it will make you feel better to see who is single. This might sound bad... and my fiancee thinks I''m crazy for doing it... but sometimes I go out to yahoo personals and type in my home zipcode and my age range. I see people from highschool on there that are looking for love. It''s funny to see how they describe themselves... especially when you know them and know it isn''t exactly true. Just a thought if you are ever really bored.

 

[IrishEyes]

Hey there Amma- I read your post, and I immediately knew what you meant. I am not a LIW, already married, but I have the same issue with women having babies. Whenever I find out someone has had a baby/ is going to have a baby, I am very happy for them, but I feel a tramendous amount of jealousy inside me as well. I lost a baby 5 years ago, and its a long story, but I now have an extremely small chance of being able to have a child. I''m not actually wanting to have any right now (maybe in 4 years or so, I''m only 25), but I still get jealous. I hate that feeling, I feel so heartless when this happens.

Anyway, didn''t mean to get off subject, but I know where you''re coming from. I think it is only human! If you don''t mind me asking, how long ago did you leave high school? Keep in mind, marriage is not all warm and cuddly all the time! But it will happen for you!!! And think of it this way, they have all had their weddings already, and you still have the excitement of anticipating your engagement and your wedding! To know those days are out there is fantastic!

Hope this helps you

 

[Momoftwo]

Date: 2/25/2005 8:11:38 PM
Author: windy1365
I think that it is better to wait and get married later in life (late twenties... early thirties) when you know what you want in life. If you marry at a young age, there is a huge chance that as you grow older, you will grow apart. I changed so much between the age of 18 and 27. If I had married my high school sweetheart (who I was engaged to), I would either be divorced or miserable right now.

Think about this.... the single women envy the married women... and the married women envy the single women who don''t have kids and a husband to have to deal with every night!! So, while your sitting their envying those people, they are probably doing the same to you!!!

Sorry. Not really true. I was married at 21, still happily married 24 years later. Two grown children in college. You change over your lifetime in some ways. Whether you''re 21 or 41 when you get married. Actually those I know that are "settled" in their careers and life tend to be so set in their ways that they have a harder time adjusting to marriage. I have many friends also married at 21 and 22 and almost all are still happily married. I have changed over the years as has my husband and everyone I know. Dont'' think you won''t keep changing til the day you die. It has more to do with the person you marry and why than what age you are.

I also don''t know anyone married with children who envies anyone not married without children. I certainly don''t envy anyone. My chldren are the best things that ever happened to me after my husband. I''ve watched single friends searching for Mr. Right and feeling their biological clock ticking. So, no, I certainly do not envy them.

ammayernyc, it doesn''t really matter who or who isn''t married. Marrying the right person for the right reasons is what matters. How long have you been out of HS? I''ve been out for 27 years and quite a few who were married in the first few years after grad. are on their second marriages now. Look at it that way. I found the right person at the right time. You will too.

 

[windy1365]

Momoftwo - Women are getting married at a later age now than they did several years ago. The average age for a woman to get married now is 27 - for a man it is 29. I am 27 and my fiancee is 29... I certainly didn''t plan it that way, though.

I didn''t mean that you regret being married and having kids ... I meant that a married woman might be envious that a single woman can do things more spontanious without having to worry about the kids... husband. Less responsibilities!! The reason I''m saying this is that at work, I have been saying... oh, I can''t wait to have kids. All of these older women and men started saying... "Take your time... enjoy yourself first, travel, because when you have kids, you can''t do it anymore". Not just one or two... but many of them said this. They don''t regret having kids... it just changes things and they long for some of the things they could do before they had kids.

I agree with you somewhat on the changing part... both people will change... but you can either change together and get closer, or it is possible to change and grow apart. It really depends on the two people. People in college still have a lot of growing up to do. Especially if they have never had to deal with responsibilites before. Dealing with responsibilities for the first time can change people in different ways... some people might accept it and enjoy it, while others might shun responsibilites. Responsibilites... like paying bills on time, running up debt, saving money instead, can all have an effect on a relationship.

 

[snow_happy]

I think the posts above illustrate a great point of "different strokes for different folks"

. As long as both people are ready to make the commitment to each other and get married then that''s what''s beautiful regardless of their age. There are advantages and disadvantages with getting married at any age. When people at work tell me to take my time to get married and enjoy single life I take it with a grain of salt. Their own experiences are not mine and I appreciate that they care enough about me to give me their advice...but at the same time I don''t take it as what is necessarily "the right thing to do". Things will happen in good time.
I hope this all helps ammayernyc!

 

[Momoftwo]

It''s a choice you make. You have to do what is right for you at the time. I think anyone who is getting divorced and says they were "too young" when they got married is just looking for an excuse, because obviously at the time they thought it was right. Love is a choice too. That''s a difficult thing for some to get their mind around, but there are times you have to choose to love the person you''re with. It will happen when it''s time and when you least expect it. I certainly wasn''t looking for a husband when I met mine at 18 (he was 21) and married him 3 years later. I know a lot of people who say they disliked their husband when they first met. A lot goes into that decision. It happens for almost everyone, just at different times. I''d still like to know how long it''s been since HS?

 

[TravelingGal]

Mom of two, I think it''s wonderful that you got married young, and are so happy 24 years later. With only one year to go until your silver anniversary, you were married young enough that I anticipate you will easily have another 25 years.

However I do think "in this day and age" 21 is not the same as it was 24 years ago. You are right saying that different people are ready for things at different times in their life. I was never ready to marry at 21. Or 26. or 30. Or even now, at 32 when I have someone who loves me and does want to marry me at some point. Perhaps you are right that when people get older, they may be more set in their ways, who knows.

I think marriage works if the person is mature. A 21 year old who has held jobs, understands commitment and follow through, and knows the world doesn''t revolve around them is going to be more prepared to make relationships work. a 31 year old who is a big baby isn''t going to be very successful. However, I''ll be the first to admit that when I was 21, I thought I knew it all. The first sign of maturity for me was realizing that maybe I wasn''t so mature.

So my point, in a roundabout way, is that I think there were more "mature" young women 24 years ago. When my mom was younger, they were all dealing with a lot more responsibility at a younger age. These days, we all get to live for ourselves a lot longer.

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 2/25/2005 11:58:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I think marriage works if the person is mature. A 21 year old who has held jobs, understands commitment and follow through, and knows the world doesn''t revolve around them is going to be more prepared to make relationships work. a 31 year old who is a big baby isn''t going to be very successful. However, I''ll be the first to admit that when I was 21, I thought I knew it all. The first sign of maturity for me was realizing that maybe I wasn''t so mature.

ITA. Only for me, my "I''m not so grown up after all" epiphany was at 19. I had an experience that taught me a lot about responsibility and priorities, and I stopped trying so hard to be a "rebel" and made a real effort to just be me.

Still, I know that I have some things to work on... luckily for me, I found a honey whose strong points correspond to my weak ones, and vice versa.

 

[Momoftwo]

What I said was that it will happen when it is right and at the least expected time. I did not say it has to happen for everyone at 21. Nor did I say 21 was the perfect age for everyone, but it is for some. And I said you have to do what is right for you at the time. I was trying to show the OP that it happens at different times for everyone. This side discussion about my age started because someone decided to challenge the maturity of 21 year olds. I never said anyone has to get married in their 20''s, but I did say some do and that it''s not about age, but about it being the right time and person. This is not a maturity discussion, but one about "needing" to be like everyone you know. Well, if I was like everyone I know, I''d be married, divorced, single, happpy, sad, depressed, abused, childless, have 6 children, 4 children, live in an apt, large house, drive old cars, new ones, be a vegetarian, fat, skinny, pregnant, tall, short, etc. The point is, "everyone" isn''t what you think they are. If she thinks everyone she knows is getting married, it''s because she''s focusing on that at the moment. I''m sure the newsletter didn''t print who is single, out of work, overweight, etc. Marriage is "safe" to report in a newsletter.

I still wish I knew how long she''s been out of HS. That was never addressed. If it''s 10 years, then yes, you''ll see lots of marriages. I planned my 10 yr reunion and it seemed like 50% of the class got married within 6 months of that reunion. And some still aren''t married, but no one looks on them any differently.

 

[elepri]

I think it's a good point that the school newsletter probably doesn't inform you of who got divorced, fired, fat or what not. Marriages is just something people like to write and read about. What percentage of your class is it though? I'm sure it depends on the age too as well as on geographic location. My friend went to high school in the Midwest and now, at 29-30, most of her high school friends are married with babies. Most of my friends in New York of the same age are just starting to get engaged and married. By the way, it's a statistical fact that the younger you get married, the more likely you're to get divorced. So even though there are plenty of successful marriages at 20, there are simply more when people get married later in life knowing who they are and what they want. Peronally, i'm getting married right after my 30th birthday and I'm so happy it didn't happen earlier. I think i would've felt that i missed out on this whole life stage when you can focus on yourself and figure out what you want out of life in terms of education, career, relationships, etc. The relationship i have now with my fiance, I couldn't have had when i was 21 and i don't think i was immature for my age at any point. Oh and I know plenty of women who married young and are very verbal about expressing envy of their single friends. Not because they're unhappy in their marriages but because they just didn't get to experience a lot of the things that their friends did.

 

[windy1365]

I was not mature at age 21... I had never lived on my own. My great aunt''s caretaker took care of me just as much as she took care of my aunt. I didn''t have to cook or wash clothes... just had to go to school.

I just did whatever I felt like doing... whenever. I probably didn''t start having responsibilites until about a year or so ago (I''m 27 now). Now, I wash clothes and vacuum... but I don''t really like doing it.

If I had had a baby at 21, I would probably have just looked at it and ran!!

But... I work with a girl that is just out of college... she is only 22 and already has bought a house... she has a mortgage! She is so mature, a lot more than me at age 27.

Everyone is different and that is what makes life so interesting!!!

In case anyone is interested... there is a cool soft **** movie on Cinemax right now... it has a genie on it.

 

[windy1365]

About the geek thing... geeks have to grow up and get married... where do you think the new geeks come from?

 

[ammayernyc]

I just have to say, you ladies are the best!
I couldn''t get onto PS this weekend since the only computer at home is my boyfriend''s, and he was working a lot on it. So, I come back to this nasty Monday morning to all these fantastic posts!

I must say, all of you are right!

I was feeling a little sorry for myself finding out so many people my age have gotten married. But it''s not that big a surprise, I''m 29! I''m also one of those weird semi-stalker chicks who checks up on the lives of my past loves, and I''ve realized that every single ex, except for one that I still talk to, is married. At least one has a baby. It just made me feel inadequite. Like, if I ran into any one of them I would have to introduce my boyfriend as my boyfriend and they wouldn''t know if we had been dating 2 months or the three years which is the reality. Stupid, I know... but it was a moment.

I took the weekend to realize that I am very happy in my relationship. I do want to get married very badly, but I really couldn''t ask for a better relationship than I''m in now. Also, we went to look at rings this weekend I think we both figured out which ''the one'' is! Now, I just have to get him to buy it!!!

Thanks again to everyone who responded!

 

[Erin]

My mom informed me that the local paper announced my high school sweetheart got engaged. I''m 29 (and a half

) now and in HS I always thought the two of us would marry. The last time I saw him, at a mutual friend''s wedding about a 1 1/2 ago, he didn''t even have a girlfriend.

 

[snow_happy]

ammayernyc--

I''m so glad you are feeling better! (and have found your dream ring!!) I totally know what you mean by when you introduce your "boyfriend" it''s unknown that you have been together for longer than some couples who get married! I feel the same way... something about introducing him as my "boyfriend" seems kind of.. juvenile? I think it''s especially frustrating when YOU know how serious the relationship is but others maybe assume it''s not because of the title your relationship has. I mean... I know I shouldn''t care what other people think but still

 

[wcitygirl]

Oh Snow! Don''t worry! I wasn''t offended and I didn''t feel bad! I understand that every situation is different and I was just explaining my perspective (I love email type things -- so much room for interpretation!

). I agree! Having a great person that you DO want to spend the rest of your life with is really important and definitely a step in the right direction! Cheers to us all who have marryable men!