How young is to young?

[Qckrun]

My girlfriend and I are 21 and I plan to propose to her in the next 6-10months. So the question I propose to you guys is, how young is to young.

We were talking last night and supposely she believes some of her family will think we are to young. We've been together since we were 16yrs old. We're high school sweethearts, and we both know we are the ones for each other. We currently live together(moved in together 2 months ago), and her mother knows we will eventually get married. However my girlfriend believes her parents may say, you need to finish school and for some reason she thinks her mom will say your to young to get married, but in reality her mother was 19 when she was married, so to me for her to say that is being a bit of a hypcroite(spelling). Not to mention I fully support her to finish school and nothing would ever change for he to finish school. I know she will finish school simply because she's worked so hard to do it. We obviously will not be getting married for at least a year, maybe a year and a half. Also she is afraid some family friends may think were to young to, but I said to her if they are that paraoid and wont love you the same before the engagement, they truely shouldnt be in your life. Your loved ones will love you no matter your decision, because in the end its your life and not theres.

My girlfriend believes a 2 year engagement is to long of an engagement, but I think it may be the correct thing to do. Maybe a year and half would be more ideal, she'll be 23, I'll be 22ish, and to me that is plenty old enough to be married. She wants to have kids around 25-27 so she can still be a young mom, which I agree because my parents were "old" parents when they had me (34m, 36d).

Also, she wants to get engaged but she is worrying that about her family. I plan to ask her parents permission and explain to them everything that I know they may be worried about.

So what do you guys think is to young to be married. I believe young is 18,19, not 23. I think the usual age nowadays is 23-25, but am I wrong?

Please help out a confused boyfriend.

 

[neatfreak]

I''ll be honest, you''re young. BUT I don''t think that necessarily means that you''re too young to get married. It just means that you need to take more precautions than an older couple who know each other/know themselves better first. There are some GREAT books on the market that help you talk through all your individual expectations for marriage and for each other. That''s where I would start personally.

Also, you need to be sure that her feelings of "we''re too young" aren''t code for "I''m not ready yet". Because that''s what I would read into it...

 

[ladyciel]

In my mind "too young" has much less to do with age and much more to do with where you are in your life/maturity/etc. I think the smartest thing a couple can do before tying the knot is to be VERY sure they know where they''re going in the world and to have some experience supporting themselves. She wants to finish school first, but what does she have planned for afterwards? Work? Stay at home mom? More school? If you don''t know, you better find out if she does and discuss how each of your wants/dreams fit together in the future. Same questions apply to you, or, if you aren''t in school, are you at a job you like that can support (both of) you? If you had to sit down with her parents and tell them how you plan to protect, support and care for their daughter, do you know what you would/could say? Flip that around - if a guy your age came to you and said the same things about marrying YOUR daughter, would you be satisfied, scared, happy, worried....?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/1/2007 11:53:39 AM
Author: ladyciel
If you had to sit down with her parents and tell them how you plan to protect, support and care for their daughter, do you know what you would/could say? Flip that around - if a guy your age came to you and said the same things about marrying YOUR daughter, would you be satisfied, scared, happy, worried....?

BINGO.

What's the rush really? If you don't want to get married for two more years, why not just wait until a year before? Is it that you want the committment from her now because you fear she'll change her mind in a year? People do change & grow a LOT during the early 20's-late 20's ... you may grow together or grow apart. "Locking" her in now is no guarantee you'll still want to get married two years from now I'm afraid.

I also agree that finding ways to demonstrate your maturity: job, apartment, good grades, respectful manner, fair fighting etc ... will help your case with her & her parents.

I'm gonna skip over the "old" parents comment -- ha! I'm almost 40 ... I'm ANCIENT

. I can't imagine what you must think of Nancy Grace, who is 47 & pregnant with TWINS.

ETA: you go "to" the store. But one can be "too young". Extra "o" for emphasis is the way I think of it ... like "you're TOOOOOOO CUTE!"

 

[Qckrun]

Date: 7/1/2007 11:50:37 AM
Author: neatfreak
I''ll be honest, you''re young. BUT I don''t think that necessarily means that you''re too young to get married. It just means that you need to take more precautions than an older couple who know each other/know themselves better first. There are some GREAT books on the market that help you talk through all your individual expectations for marriage and for each other. That''s where I would start personally.

Also, you need to be sure that her feelings of ''we''re too young'' aren''t code for ''I''m not ready yet''. Because that''s what I would read into it...

For our age we are very mature. We both know what each other wants in life, and where we eventually would like to be in the next 5-10years. I think we know each other pretty damn good, we''ve been together for 5 years, we''ve both been through so much in our lives that we complement each other very well.


What books would you suggest to look up?

I dont think her words "we''re to young" are code for I''m not ready yet, because last night she said she''d like to get engaged she''s just afraid of that others may say we are to young. She''s mention plenty of times she wants to get engaged, she''s just afraid of what others may say. I really want to talk to her parents but I dont know how to go about talking to them. I have a pretty good relationship with them, its not the talking part. I just dont really want to do the asking twice if you know what I mean. But I think it may be the best thing because then I can get there view now and what they think.

 

[Qckrun]

Date: 7/1/2007 11:53:39 AM
Author: ladyciel
In my mind ''too young'' has much less to do with age and much more to do with where you are in your life/maturity/etc. I think the smartest thing a couple can do before tying the knot is to be VERY sure they know where they''re going in the world and to have some experience supporting themselves. She wants to finish school first, but what does she have planned for afterwards? Work? Stay at home mom? More school? If you don''t know, you better find out if she does and discuss how each of your wants/dreams fit together in the future. Same questions apply to you, or, if you aren''t in school, are you at a job you like that can support (both of) you? If you had to sit down with her parents and tell them how you plan to protect, support and care for their daughter, do you know what you would/could say? Flip that around - if a guy your age came to you and said the same things about marrying YOUR daughter, would you be satisfied, scared, happy, worried....?

We''ve talked about our future, very briefly, but we both know where each other wants to be in 5-10years. She wants to have kids in 5years times from now, she wants to complete her degree, and if all works out be a stay at home mom, which I am fine with, unless financially we cant afford(I cant forsee the future, I dont think it will be tough but you never know).

I am currently going to school but also in an electrician apprenticeship which I am close to finishing, and which once I finish I will be able to support both of us finanically without her working.

Her parents know I protect her to best I can and know I will continue to do so. I am always thinking of the worst, which in my eyes is the best defense against something possibly bad happening. They know I have a very good job and that I plan on getting my degree(either an associates or bachelors not sure right now). I know exactly what I''d say to all those questions simply because there questions I''ve thought about and know they would ask because her dads always wants the best for her. I support her in everything she does, and everything she wants to do.

IF I was the father and I knew that he would take care of her, and support her in the things she wants to do then I''d be fine with it. I might be worried a bit, but if there relationship was the same as my gfs and mine and her parents are then I''d know they would be ok in the end.

 

[Qckrun]

Date: 7/1/2007 11:59:49 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/1/2007 11:53:39 AM
Author: ladyciel
If you had to sit down with her parents and tell them how you plan to protect, support and care for their daughter, do you know what you would/could say? Flip that around - if a guy your age came to you and said the same things about marrying YOUR daughter, would you be satisfied, scared, happy, worried....?

BINGO.

What's the rush really? If you don't want to get married for two more years, why not just wait until a year before? Is it that you want the committment from her now because you fear she'll change her mind in a year? People do change & grow a LOT during the early 20's-late 20's ... you may grow together or grow apart. 'Locking' her in now is no guarantee you'll still want to get married two years from now I'm afraid.

I also agree that finding ways to demonstrate your maturity: job, apartment, good grades, respectful manner, fair fighting etc ... will help your case with her & her parents.

I'm gonna skip over the 'old' parents comment -- ha! I'm almost 40 ... I'm ANCIENT

. I can't imagine what you must think of Nancy Grace, who is 47 & pregnant with TWINS.

ETA: you go 'to' the store. But one can be 'too young'. Extra 'o' for emphasis is the way I think of it ... like 'you're TOOOOOOO CUTE!'

There isn't a 'real' rush, I would just like to propose to her particuarly when we go to Hawaii in 6 months. She's dreamed about a beach proposal, and I think we are right for each other. We both know what each other thinks all the time, we both understand each other even when words arent spoken. We have great communication.

I believe I have great maturity for my age, 21yrs old 40k/yr(goes up about 5k/yr for the next 2yrs then jumps up 30k in 3yrs[many may think I'm crazy, but as an Electrician in California journeymen wages are $40+/hr]). We're living together in our own apartment, none of our parents help us with anything. School, she gets great grades, I've been off and on I've been taking classes to see what really interests me for a degree, finally found it and hope to get done with school in 1-2yrs. I also have my own retirement setup, have been paying all my bills since age 18. I've been working since age 16, full time since 18, her dads knows that. I believe I have a level head mind, some times I may be a little hot headed but I've learned how to handle it.

The 'old' parents comment wasnt anything to disrespect mid-ages parents. I just mentioned that because growing up it did suck to have my parents older than most. I'm 21, moms 55, dads 57. It sucked from times to times, but I wouldnt ever want it to change. I just think being a younger parent it may be more exciting because you'll be able to "do more" things with your kids.

 

[neatfreak]

Qckrun,

Just because you think you guys are perfect for each other does not mean you need to rush into getting married.

Also, just because you make a decent living does not translate to being mature for your age. It seems a bit odd to me that when talking about maturity the FIRST thing you bring up is how much $ you''re making. $ does not equal maturity.

ALSO, it does concern me that she''s not ready if she keeps commenting on what "other people" might think. To me that says that she''s not secure enough in her decision because she seems to need/want other people''s validation.

Most people change a lot in their early twenties and I agree with Deco that proposing now doesn''t mean you''ll "tie her in" for later. Are you worried that she won''t still want to marry you in a year or two?

Just because you''re going to Hawaii in 6 months is NOT a good enough reason IMO. Since you''ll be making more $ in a few years, I assume that you will be able to afford another trip. JUST WAIT.

I would wait until you are BOTH secure enough in your own decisions not to ask everyone else''s opinion of whether you''re old/mature enough to get married...

 

[musey]

Date: 7/1/2007 12:09:17 PM
Author: Qckrun
We''ve talked about our future, very briefly,

If you''re thinking of proposing, "briefly" talking about your future isn''t enough, IMO.

It sounds to me like you have already made up your mind. Are you just looking for reassurance on your decision here? You probably won''t get just that--there are too many people with too many differing opinions on this board. You''ll get some people telling you "why not?" and most people saying "why now?"

I am young as well (22, a month shy of 24 when I get married). My FI and I felt it was important to wait until we''d had at least two years or so in the working world, to see how our relationship would change (working full time is a VERY different lifestyle than going to school full time). We decided, with the help of parents/friends/professional advice that that is what will work best for us, and it took a LOT of talking to each other (and outside sources) to come to that decision. From my personal experience, I''d strongly recommend going that route instead of "well, WE think we''re ready, because we''re in love!"

I''ve been told to think of marriage as a business contract. Not a standard business contract either--a LIFE LONG contract. Yes, it is about love. But it is a contract, nonetheless. I would never sign any contract until I was sure I had ALL the information available to me at the time--and if that information isn''t enough to be absolutely 100% comfortable in that contract, I need to wait until there is more information to be had (i.e. "real life" experience--for BOTH of us).


Anyway, all that isn''t to say that you are too young. I don''t think there is a "too young," within reason of course. I DO, however, believe there is "too little information." Some people don''t have enough "information" at 20, 27, 39, 50.

So the question is, do you have enough information? Would you be ready to go to the courthouse and sign a marriage contract TOMORROW? If not, then yes, I believe you are not ready. These are all questions that you and your girlfriend need to explore and answer for yourself (and believe me, there are many others, too). If you''ve already answered them, then that''s great.

 

[musey]

I just read your "older" parents comment... at 55 and 57 (with you 21) that makes your mom 34 and your dad 36 when they had you. This is "older" parents??

Many of the kids I grew up with had parents who must have had them over 40. I didn't think that was strange. I thought my parents were incredibly young when they had me, and they were 30 and 31. Maybe because I grew up in a university town

The way you are speaking/typing really seems defensive to me (it could very well just be the way I'm reading it, though) which makes me think that you've already more than made up your mind. So what I'm wondering is--what is your motivation to be here, asking us questions, if you already have your mind made up?

 

[musey]

Date: 7/1/2007 11:59:49 AM
Author: decodelighted
ETA: you go ''to'' the store. But one can be ''too young''. Extra ''o'' for emphasis is the way I think of it ... like ''you''re TOOOOOOO CUTE!''

haha Deco THANK you, I didn''t wanna be the one to say it!

(no offense, Qckrun!)

 

[KimberlyH]

I don''t think there''s a magical age that is perfect for getting engaged/married. We all follow different paths that lead us to different places, including marriage at different ages. So I won''t say you''re "too young" but I will say you guys don''t sound ready, because if you were neither of you would be worried about what others will say if/when you announce your engagement. Saying someone is too young is a softer way of saying that someone is not mature enough to make a life long decision and it sounds like your girlfriend is scared that this is exactly what she''s going to be told.

On the other hand, you guys are already living as a married couple (all that''s missing is a piece of paper and "I do") so taking the next step seems logical, if you''re both looking to get married. I''d spend the next six months having some serious discussions about your visions of the future, how they mesh and plans for getting from point A to point B. And if you still feel it''s right at that point, then do what you feel is best for you. But keep in mind that both of you are going to grow and change in major ways of the next 5-10 years and you will need to establish a great line of communication to ensure that your relationship can survive that. It seems that piece is missing at this point as you are coming to a message board for advice about when you should get engaged instead of having this discussion with her (for as long as it takes, which could be days/weeks/months). If you want her to be your lifelong partner you need to be discussing this with her.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/1/2007 1:09:58 PM
Author: musey
I just read your ''older'' parents comment... at 55 and 57 (with you 21) that makes your mom 34 and your dad 36 when they had you. This is ''older'' parents??


Many of the kids I grew up with had parents who must have had them over 40. I didn''t think that was strange. I thought my parents were incredibly young when they had me, and they were 30 and 31. Maybe because I grew up in a university town

The way you are speaking/typing really seems defensive to me (it could very well just be the way I''m reading it, though) which makes me think that you''ve already more than made up your mind. So what I''m wondering is--what is your motivation to be here, asking us questions, if you already have your mind made up?

My mom was 19 when she had me. In fact, I think I''m the first female in my family in generations who hasn''t had a child before the age of 21. But I DO plan on having my kids before I''m 30.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/1/2007 1:09:58 PM
Author: musey
I just read your ''older'' parents comment... at 55 and 57 (with you 21) that makes your mom 34 and your dad 36 when they had you. This is ''older'' parents??

Many of the kids I grew up with had parents who must have had them over 40. I didn''t think that was strange. I thought my parents were incredibly young when they had me, and they were 30 and 31. Maybe because I grew up in a university town

The way you are speaking/typing really seems defensive to me (it could very well just be the way I''m reading it, though) which makes me think that you''ve already more than made up your mind. So what I''m wondering is--what is your motivation to be here, asking us questions, if you already have your mind made up?

uh oh, if we ever decide to have kids I''m going to be an "old" parent!!

 

[musey]

Date: 7/1/2007 1:26:03 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 7/1/2007 1:09:58 PM

Author: musey

I just read your ''older'' parents comment... at 55 and 57 (with you 21) that makes your mom 34 and your dad 36 when they had you. This is ''older'' parents??


Many of the kids I grew up with had parents who must have had them over 40. I didn''t think that was strange. I thought my parents were incredibly young when they had me, and they were 30 and 31. Maybe because I grew up in a university town

The way you are speaking/typing really seems defensive to me (it could very well just be the way I''m reading it, though) which makes me think that you''ve already more than made up your mind. So what I''m wondering is--what is your motivation to be here, asking us questions, if you already have your mind made up?

uh oh, if we ever decide to have kids I''m going to be an ''old'' parent!!

Based on what *I* said? I think someone''s only an "old" parent if they have to go through unimaginable amounts of reproductive therapy in order to get pregnant (due to their age, not other medical problems).

Or if they''re Larry King

 

[musey]

Date: 7/1/2007 1:24:59 PM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 7/1/2007 1:09:58 PM

Author: musey

I just read your 'older' parents comment... at 55 and 57 (with you 21) that makes your mom 34 and your dad 36 when they had you. This is 'older' parents??



Many of the kids I grew up with had parents who must have had them over 40. I didn't think that was strange. I thought my parents were incredibly young when they had me, and they were 30 and 31. Maybe because I grew up in a university town

My mom was 19 when she had me. In fact, I think I'm the first female in my family in generations who hasn't had a child before the age of 21. But I DO plan on having my kids before I'm 30.

We all just base our opinions on what we see, I guess. I'm fully aware that people have children in their early twenties or before. The teen mother rate at my high school was something like 15%, for pete's sake

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/1/2007 1:57:26 PM
Author: musey

Date: 7/1/2007 1:26:03 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 7/1/2007 1:09:58 PM

Author: musey

I just read your ''older'' parents comment... at 55 and 57 (with you 21) that makes your mom 34 and your dad 36 when they had you. This is ''older'' parents??


Many of the kids I grew up with had parents who must have had them over 40. I didn''t think that was strange. I thought my parents were incredibly young when they had me, and they were 30 and 31. Maybe because I grew up in a university town

The way you are speaking/typing really seems defensive to me (it could very well just be the way I''m reading it, though) which makes me think that you''ve already more than made up your mind. So what I''m wondering is--what is your motivation to be here, asking us questions, if you already have your mind made up?

uh oh, if we ever decide to have kids I''m going to be an ''old'' parent!!

Based on what *I* said? I think someone''s only an ''old'' parent if they have to go through unimaginable amounts of reproductive therapy in order to get pregnant (due to their age, not other medical problems).

Or if they''re Larry King

Musey, I was just teasing.

 

[emilina22]

my boyfriend is 22 and im 20 and we were thinking of getting engaged by the end of the year...i dont think that age is as big of a factor as maturity is....i was talking to my mom the other day

we dont usually talk about "our" plans and she asked..."emily when does moe want to get married" and il told her our timeline then i asked "what you think" and i really think that what she said to me makes sense and would help you too...

she said to me that you can get married when you want...but you need to understand what your getting into...marrige isnt about jus tthe wedding its about everything else all the little things that can casue bigprobems..and if you thnik that you can handle all that and that your ready for it than go ahead becasue everyone gets married you just have to know if your ready of not to live with that choice..

so i dont think that age is a huge factor but maturity level is...which of course comes with age....

we were planning a year and a half engagement too becasue of school and the house and other things.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I don''t think there is an arbitrary line, I think its a bell curve like anything else. I think that most benefit from marrying between 24-34 with the 6 years before and after that being more difficult. Not to say it is difficult to marry at 35 or at 23, but as you get older you get more set in your ways and the options lessen.... it has its own challenges as does marrying before you''re really set, at all and your options are still wide open.

I got married at 21 and my dh was 19 and we''re still together and *happy* 16 years later but there have definitely been struggles to grow with one another rather than apart. There are things I''d want now that I didn''t know I''d want then. My best friend is my age, 37, and she is still single and facing a whole new slew of issues pertaining to not wanting to compromise and not having as many options available to her in the # of men available. Most of the "good ones" are already married.

So I don''t think there is a set age that is too young, nor do I think there is a set age that is too old.... but i think that range I gave above is probably the *safest* range.

And of course this is all just my opinion.

 

[zoebartlett]

I, for one, could not have even imagined getting married or engaged in my early twentys. I just asked my FI what he thought and he said the same thing. I''ll be 34 and he''ll be 36 when we get married next summer, and I suppose we''re considered late bloomers. Friends of mine from college have been married for 10 years now, and I''m *just* heading down the path to marriage.

In your situation, I also wondered why the rush. Take your time to figure things out more than you have now. Yes, being financially responsible is a very good thing but there''s so much more to it than that. So much can change over the next few years.

I agree with others who have said that if your girlfriend is so worried about what others will think, she''s probably not ready. She may *want* to be ready, but if she truly was, she would have more confidence and not be so worried about what others thought.

I''m not sure where you live, but I would think that you could have a beach proposal in a few years'' time as well instead of on your trip to Hawaii.

I think everyone''s brought up some good food for thought.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I think only you and your FF know if you are too young to be married. Though the fact that you even have to ask the question might be an indicator that there is some doubt. Things can go wrong in a marriage no matter what the age of the partners.

 

[surfgirl]

It''s difficult to say if you''re too young or not. Only you know that answer. But let me say that if I had married any serious boyfriends at that age, we''d surely be divorced by now! You might think you and she know what you''d both like 5-10 years from now, but she''s still in school and things change A LOT when one is a young adult finding their way in the world. What if she graduates school, gets a job and decides she doesn''t want kids so soon, or maybe she changes her mind entirely and wants to focus on career and no kids? What would you do then? I think you''re quite young (since you asked), but since you''re both living together already, why not continue a good thing? There''s no harm in talking about the future and your relationship in detail until you know for sure you''re ready. And if you''re not sure, you might consider couples counseling to discuss the pros and cons in a more detailed way...

 

[monarch64]

"how young is too young" in my book has more to do with state law than general opinion. If you''re of age in your state and really want to get married I don''t see a problem with it. Course you''re not my kids and maybe I''d feel differently if you were, lol! Seriously, though, if you can both hold down a job and you''ve decided together that this is really what you want and you''re willing to miss out on a lot of the fun 20-something stuff people do then go for it! people your age are what registries were meant for in the first place, lol!

 

[Kaleigh]

The jist I got from your post is that your GF wants to wait. She doesn't want a long engagement. You seem to think it's fine. She's also worried about her parents feelings if she gets engaged now. I'd wait till she graduates, then get married. You're already living together. Your post seems one sided, you talk so much of what you want, what is best. But you really need to listen to her. My bet is that she does want to marry you, but wants to finish school first, and not have a long engagement. You guys have all the time in the world, no need to rush it. Let her breath....
ETA: I got married at 24 young by todays standards, and just celebrated 20 years of marriage.

 

[NYCsparkle]

It sounds like your gf is hesitant and using what others will think as an excuse, because if she was ready she would not care what others thought. you say you will be able to suppprt her so she can stay home--is that what she wants? i think you should wait a bit before getting engaged and not because you are too young, but because shes not ready and forcing her to make that commitment would devastate your relationship.--if you propose soon she may feel as if she HAS to say yes instead of meaning it.

i was in a long term relationship at 21 and once i got out into the workforce my views on what i wanted in life changed. i ventured out and decided to live life before settling down...your early 20''s are a time to discover who you are and where you really want to go and be in 10 years. give yourselves time and when shes ready she''ll let you know--trust me--have you read the ladies in waiting boards?

 

[princesss]

Going through your posts again, I saw a few things that worried me.

I agree that there''s a lot of you in this post, but not a lot about your girlfriend. She''s going to school, and she says she''s worried that other people think that you both are "too young", but you don''t seem to be taking this seriously. My boyfriend and I are 21 as well, and I think we all know that often how people react to things before they really know themselves depends a lot on the reactions of others (does that make sense?). So she may want to get engaged, but her happiness about getting engaged could be seriously dampened by the reactions of those around her. How much fun can she have announcing her engagement if with every reply of, "Are you sure? Aren''t you a little young? You''re going to wait a few years to get married, right?" she gets a little more worried that she''s making the wrong choice?

People change a lot in their early 20s, and they change a lot in the transition between college and the "real world". You''ve survived 5 years together where people change a lot, but there are still 5-10 ahead of you, with the most major changes coming in the next few years. My boyfriend and I agreed to see what life is like after graduation and give ourselves a few years before we talk about any serious steps. It doesn''t mean we don''t fully intend to get married at this point, it just means that we want to get to know ourselves and our wants to make sure they''re compatible. I''ve had to watch a good friend go through a very nasty divorce at the age of 23 because she and her ex-husband didn''t give themselves time to adjust after graduation and weren''t communicating well.

And that''s the key, and also what worries me in your posts. Communication. It seems like you haven''t asked her WHY she''s so worried about what other people would say. You need to find this out. There really could be some feelings of "I''m not ready" or "What''s the rush?" under the surface. You say she thinks a 2 year engagement is too long, and yet you seem fully prepared to put her in a position where she may feel that''s the only choice. It seems like you''re not fully listening to what she means, you''re hearing what you want to hear in order to make your choice. If I was telling my boyfriend things like that and he didn''t listen and proposed anyways, I''d dump him. It seems like a radical step, but it would show me that he wasn''t listening when I talked to him, felt that he knew better than me how to run my life, and didn''t respect my needs. Do you really want your girlfriend to be put in a position where she doesn''t feel listened to on what should be one of the happiest days of her life? Or do you want her to be comfortable, happy, and prepared for all the things the two of you will face together?

It sounds to me like you two need to have some serious, long, in-depth conversations about your relationship, your lives, and all the other "what if" questions that go along with marriage. How would you raise the kids? What are your spending habits, and are they compatible (sp?)? What if she couldn''t have kids? Would you be willing to adopt? What would you do if you won the lottery (sounds odd, but it can really show you where somebody''s priorities are)? What would you do if the other person was diagnosed with a disease like MS or another degenerative disease? It''s easy to say "We''d work through it," but without a plan and good communication marriages can fall apart under any of these circumstances and more.

If I''m wrong and you''ve thought through all of this, then I''m sorry I misread the situation. I do wish you and your girlfriend all the happiness and luck in the world, and I hope that whenever you decide to propose (in 6 months or 5 years) that she is thrilled and nobody rains on her shiny, sparkly, happy parade.

 

[ljmorgan]

I say have a serious heart to heart with your girlfriend, to decide if she''s just worried about losing the support of her parents, or if she really does want to wait longer before becoming engaged. You''ve been dating 5 years already, I don''t see why everyone is telling you to wait even longer. If she wants to get engaged soon, as you do, then you should both do what you want. Part of being a couple is listening to everyone''s advice, but ultimately making that decision on your own, together. Good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

Hmmm, I will probably get seriously flamed for this but here goes.

If I have children I would be worried if any of them got married before they were 30. I will be getting married at 36 and I only now feel totally happy and comfortable with my life, my FI and above all myself.

I am such a different person from who I was ten years ago and have lived my whole life over again since I left school. I have dated a variety of different men and know what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy. I have had boyfiends who lasted longer than some of my friend''s marriages.

My sister married at 26, before she had had time to grow as her own person and given the chance again she would have waited.

If you consider that many of us will live to 80+, it seems odd to rush into picking one''s life partner so young.

I will add here that I live in a very cosmopolitan city where people come from many different walks of life, countries, religions and everyone I know has at least one degree and a pretty serious career. Also every single one, without exception, of my school/university contemporaries who married before the age of 26 are now divorced, single parents or getting married for the second time. This probably does colour my view considerably.

My mother married at 21 (my father was 32) and I was born within a year. She always urged all of us to live a lot before we settled down. She and my father also have a "perfect marriage" and I was only prepared to marry if I could find the same thing as them.

I''m not saying it can''t work - but it worries me that your gf is worried what people will think.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/2/2007 5:12:16 PM
Author: Pandora II

My mother married at 21 (my father was 32) and I was born within a year. She always urged all of us to live a lot before we settled down. She and my father also have a ''perfect marriage'' and I was only prepared to marry if I could find the same thing as them.

I think that''s great advice. I also think, Qckrun, that it is exactly why your GF''s mother would say to wait. I don''t think it would be hypocritical...she''s speaking from a place of experience, she KNOWS what it''s like to get married young, and how hard it could be.

Pandora, how wonderful that you can look at your parents'' marriage like that. I feel the same way about my parents, and decided a while ago that I''d only say "Yes" if I knew I could have what they have - after 24 years my parents still seem ridiculously in love with each other, no matter how stressful life can be.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 7/2/2007 5:16:55 PM
Author: princesss
Pandora, how wonderful that you can look at your parents'' marriage like that. I feel the same way about my parents, and decided a while ago that I''d only say ''Yes'' if I knew I could have what they have - after 24 years my parents still seem ridiculously in love with each other, no matter how stressful life can be.

I feel very fortunate to have such wonderful role-models. It did make me sad for a long-time though. I dated so many dreadful men I began to wonder if my father was the only decent man out there!

Everywhere I looked marriages were falling apart: filmstars, celebrities, my friends. I am a terrible romantic and believe it''s possible to love one person completely forever. I thought I''d be a mad old spinster with 17 cats... and then I met FI and we are so terribly like my parents are together it''s almost scary!