Hello! (I''''m new) and my problem...

[swt_acacia]

My boyfriend and I (he''s 26 & I''m 25) have been together for five years. We''re still nowhere near a proposal. He goes back and forth bewteen telling me he''s interested in getting married, to saying he''d be happy going to the courthouse right now, to saying he''s just not ready, to complaining about how all weddings and diamonds are stupid traditions and a waste of money.

On the other hand, I''ve been really wanting to talk with him about getting married since 2004. I mean, our relationship is great other than this issue, so I was excited to be ready to move things forward. Since then, I''ve been all the way through the being excited phase, the confusion phase, and now, the anything about weddings just makes me sad phase. I''ve tried waiting and being patient and not pushing the issue, but as far as I can tell, that''s just letting things stay the way they are longer and driving me more insane. People have told me that I brought this upon myself by moving in with him before we were engaged (we moved to a new state together for grad school, and living together was easier than both of us finding roommates), but it''s a little late to change that after three years.

I told him I don''t feel like he''s interested in marrying me, and that after five years I deserved to know whether we have the same goals for our relationship. He said that he was interested, just not now. I told him that as just his girlfriend I can''t possibly justify moving with him again in two years (when our graduate program is over) and he was upset but nothing has changed since then. I don''t know what to do. How can I tell whether he''s just incredibly slow, one of those guys who''ll never marry, or just not interested in marrying ME? Please Help!

 

[nytemist]

I feel for you. This is a place we all have been in, or still in.

In my case, BF brought up marriage a couple of years ago. And then the back and forth started. We would talk about how important it was for me to know this was a serious relationship that was going forward and that he was not yanking my chain. He assured me he was serious. Then he would clam up an get irritated when I would ask when he saw this happening, or any conversation relating to our future.

Finally I started to just live my life for me. For one last time early last year, I made it clear to him that committing was very important to me, but I couldn''t make him feel the same way. I was back in school at the time and decided after I was done that I was going to build a life for myself and I would love it if he were there with me, but not put everything on hold until he got his head out of the sand. He got more and more nervous as I talked about things I wanted to do. Upset that I didn''t say ''we''. He promised that we would be engaged by the end of 2005. I said don''t say it unles you mean it. Long story short, it didn''t happen because he still though there were issues to work out. I said we had to talk about if this was going forward or coming to an end. One last, detailed afternoon long talk happened that cleared the air. 2 weeks later we were shopping for a stone, about a 3 weeks after that he proposed a week after our 5 year anniversary.

In a calm setting, without being angry, accusatory or anything like that, sit down and talk to him, explaining why this is important to you. If what you want is a happy marriage, it is your right. It would be ideal that it happens with him. Make it clear to him. Then leave it alone and concentrate on YOUR life, giving him the chance to really think about how he feels. I''m not saying to neglect your relationship or play games with him. Be sure he knows what you want, then give him the time to work himself into being ready for that level. The amount of time you are willing to wait is up to you. Don''t hang a deadline over his head or anything, but a simple ''it would be nice to re-visit this topic in 6 months...'' or something like that. Guys don''t lie about this. Make sure he really explains if he isn''t ready yet, at all, or just with you. Also, since he''s 26, he may still think that he is too young and wants to still feel ''free'' for a couple more years.

 

[Blenheim]

Another thing is that he might be worried about money. As graduate students, you probably don''t have the highest income. He''s mentioned how diamonds and weddings are a waste of money, and he''s mentioned getting married in city hall. You may want to try to figure out if he is emotionally not ready, or if he wants to be in a better place financially first.

 

[swt_acacia]

Thanks for both your replies. I really appreciate the feedback and just being able to get these feelings off my chest without causing an argument.

nytemist, I do worry that he feels 26 is too young for something as "adult" as a wedding. I just wish he would have made those feelings clear sooner (or ever!). I don''t know how long I''m supposed to wait for him to feel the way I do. And yeah, I''ve tried to make plans that could include him or not, but it''s hard, because like I said, both of us will have to move again in two years. Either we move together or not. It''s hard to be subtle about it.

Blenheim, it''s true that we don''t have a ton of money, but I don''t think that''s what''s bothering him. He says he really doesn''t like wedding traditions, to the point that I think he''d prefer city hall even if we were both rich. He says his ideal wedding would have zero guests other than us. That in and of itself is frustrating to me - what if he eventually does propose, but refuses to buy me a ring or have a wedding? I have family and others who are important to me who I''d want to be there. I feel like I can''t win either way. Our relationship is such a huge mess when it comes to this topic!

 

[moon river]

Welcome. You''re with the right group of people for support and advice.

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/27/2006 4:42:42 PM
Author: nytemist
I feel for you. This is a place we all have been in, or still in.

Acacia - my bf and I will celebrate our 5 years together this September. I''m 30 and he''s 32 and he has the same reservations as your boyfriend.
He claims he would go straight to the courthouse, but he doesn''t have the same kind of relationship with his family as I do with mine so I just won''t compromise on that point. Some would tell me it''s not about the wedding it''s about the marriage. I agree 100% but if I have one chance in life to get married why should I compromise when it seems to me that 80% of America has a wedding (big or small, expensive or DIY) and I don''t? I don''t want to be 64 years old regretting that I didn''t have a proper wedding. I would resent him for asking me to make that decision. So I stand firm. I''ll compromise with small and inexpensive but I won''t go to the courthouse - that''s just me.

He thinks a big diamond and a wedding are a waste of money, too. We just moved and all he cares about is living in a house again. I agree 100%. It sucks renting a 900 square foot apartment after you''ve lived in a house with three bedrooms, a deck and a yard. I loved mowing the lawn and replacing the sink and painting baseboards and replacing light fixtures because they were ours! But who ever said we can''t have a small wedding and use gift money towards are downpayment? Plus my parents said they''d help financially with a wedding. And who said I was interested in buying a house again without at least being engaged, preferrably married?

I also moved in with him 1 year after we met and if I knew this is where we''d be four years later I would probably change my decision, too. But what can you do now? I would seriously vocalize your apprehension to move together again and that after all this time it would be hard to do considering your circumstance.

Your question is "How can I tell whether he''s just incredibly slow, one of those guys who''ll never marry, or just not interested in marrying ME?"
If he''s slow it''s because he''s super focused on school/work whatever and isn''t making time to take on such a heavy decision. However, I would say that if it''s important to you he should at least think about it enough to give you some answers. Maybe this means he''s not going to go full force on researching diamonds and reception sites, but at the very least he should be able to tell you - I see us getting engaged some time next year and married before X amount of time. Then you could take that time to get on the same page about your expectations. It''s not fair to leave you considering leaving just because he won''t voice his true intentions.

If he''s one of those guys who''ll never marry then he needs to come clean. I would consider him a coward and a real ass if that is the case and he''s not telling you.

If he''s just not interested in marrying you - well, I think five years is long enough. Yeah, sure, maybe he should wait to really get to know you for a couple more years - then he''ll know if you''re the one. Besides it''ll give him enough time to see if you''ll grow horns

Five years is plenty. Ask almost anyone.

Point is, you don''t have to have a conversation which gives you the green light to go dress shopping. But you do have to have "THE CONVERSATION" about being on the same page. In my personal opinion you''re a little young but on the national average you are spot on with everyone else in the country getting married. Either way, after five years you DESERVE to know. Anything less is unacceptable.

Now. I''m going to read and reread my post in preparation for taking my own advice. I know it''s hard but there has to be a point where you decide - if this is all I get then I don''t want it. I deserve more.

I too have gone from excitement to sadness. Let me tell you - after that comes resentment. It nearly destroyed our relationship. I treated him like a roommate and in turn we lived like friends who got along great but there was always this big pink elephant in the room that no one wanted to admit was there. We''ve slowly built ourselves back up and yet still not engaged. It''s a sore place to be and I''m sorry you''re going through this but there are some of us here in your shoes and we''re here for you.

 

[ilovesparkles]

I most definitely do not have the same experience or expertise in this area but there was one important thing that came to mind and that Starset Princess touched on.

However, I would say that if it''s important to you he should at least think about it enough to give you some answers. Maybe this means he''s not going to go full force on researching diamonds and reception sites, but at the very least he should be able to tell you - I see us getting engaged some time next year and married before X amount of time. Then you could take that time to get on the same page about your expectations. It''s not fair to leave you considering leaving just because he won''t voice his true intentions.

At the very least, you deserve to know that he is planning on marrying you or proposing within X amount of time. If he can''t tell you that, sadly it might be time to start planning your own life such as nytemist tallked about.

Welcome, and I hope everything works out for you. I can tell you that the LIW are some very good advice givers! They will be supportive and tell you how it is! I have come to them for a lot of things. Lastly, I am going to go pick up a copy of Hes Just Not That Into You and read it. I suggest you do the same. Maybe we can have a revelation together, happy or sad. Good luck!

Amanda

 

[sumbride]

Honestly, my first reaction was "HE''S too young"... go read the "timing" thread to see what I mean.... the men I know wouldn''t really consider marriage at 26, even if they had been with their gf for 5 years. weird, yes, but just a thought. I don''t know what you''re supposed to do about it other than keep talking about it.

As for the traditional ceremony.... If I had it my way, it would be just the two of us on a beach somewhere with absolutely no guests whatsoever. But when we started talking about weddings, he listed his groomsmen and there were about TEN people on that list... he''s narrowed it down to 6, but no small wedding does 6 groomsmen make! So thanks to his desires, it will probably be an average to large wedding, but since I know it is important to him to include everyone, I have no problem with it... that is until the day he starts complaining about how much it will cost... THEN I will remind him about what I wanted... ;-0 Ok, maybe I''ll leave that part out.

 

[applechick]

26 is really young, especially if you''re in grad school. still, the fact that he was willing to move in with you 3 years ago (at 23?) but not willing to get married at 26 seems a little strange. i live in new york city , and most guys here wouldn''t want to get married at 26, but they also wouldn''t want to live with their girlfriends at 23. but i definitely wouldn''t panic .... i would talk to him again and ask whether he thinks he wants to marry you someday or not.

also, i would NOT move again in 2 years without a commitment. 28 and 26 are very different. good luck!

 

[samkongado]

Well why not, let''s offer up a guy''s opinion here. After all, this situation sounds eerily familiar (see my thread "from a guy''s perspective").

I''ve been with my gf for 5 years. We''re both 27. She also didn''t really want to move in together before getting engaged, but she chose to do so anyway. Even though I''d say about 3 or 4 years into the relationship I had a feeling that we''d end up getting married, I wasn''t sure yet. When we moved in together last year I figured that as long as we were ok living together then I could see myself marrying her. So finally after 5 years I think I''m ready to get engaged- although I still feel so young to be doing such an adult thing! It''s not that I don''t want to marry her, that''s not it at all, but possibly similar to your bf, I feel young, I don''t have a defined career path yet and don''t feel like I''m an adult in the traditional sense.

Withouth assuming too much (you know what happens when you assume!), I figure that your boyfriend just isn''t ready to define his life path quite yet. He may know that he wants to marry you eventually, but he''s just not comfortable doing it right now. He doesn''t have a career yet, you aren''t living in the city you will spend your life in, so there is a lot of uncertainty and transition ahead. Speaking personally, I think that a lot of guys like to feel settled in life before they "settle down" and get married. We like to know that things are lined up right.

That being said, after five years it''s fair to know what his final intentions are. Has he ever wavered when you asked him about whether he wants to marry? Or, each time you''ve brought it up, has he made reference that he actually does want to marry? I guess if he''s never answered that he is unsure about marrying you, then you can probably feel more secure. If he''s ever said anything about doubt of marrying you (not doubt of how he wants to get married or when, then you have reason to worry. Like other ladies have said, ask him if he knows that one day you will marry. I think within the next year, and definitely before you move again, he should make a commitment to you or at least give you some timeline.

Hope that helps!

 

[swt_acacia]

samkongado, it is nice to have a guy''s perspective - thanks! I was wondering if I could get some more info out of you.

You said "I still feel so young to be doing such an adult thing" - could you give me some insight about why marrying your girlfriend is so much different from living with her? I mean, don''t you already have a pretty "adult" lifestyle? Is it that there are still things left on your personal list of things to do before getting married? If being with your significant other forever doesn''t scare you, what else about marriage is so scary for a guy?

I guess a lot of my confusion in my own relationship stems from the fact that we''ve been living together for three years. We''ve already been through a huge transition together - a cross country move. We''ve set up a complete household. We''re about to get a joint checking account to pay bills from, we''re both on the title to our car and the car insurance, our cellphones are on a "family plan" etc. I just don''t see why, after all of that and five years together, making the relationship official should still be such a difficult step.

 

[samkongado]

Ahh, it''s the agelong debate about why guys are reluctant to make that final step towards marriage! To be honest... ... it''s completely ridiculous and we have no valid justifiable reasons for doing so. I can only speak for me personally- it was just a mental hurdle. When you get married, it''s a huge mental transition in life. Even if things are identical to a T, you are now "married" as opposed to single. Not that that''s a bad thing, but it''s different and it''s adult and can be scary or intimidating. Let me give you a good analogy. What happens when someone is 49 years and 363 days old. They might be happy and content. But BAM all of a sudden the very next day they turn the big FIVE OH! What is it about their life that is different from the previous day to the current day? Absoluetly nothing! But it is all mental, and in their mind they have reached a new part in their life, even though in reality it''s the exact same. I guess it could be similar for your bf... a mental hurdle he might not be ready to jump over.

Since you guys are clearly "on the path" towards marriage with joint checking accounts, house titles, etc etc., it sounds like he''s committing to you in a different sense. A couple possibilities here: he totally plans on marrying you and is not ready, he might plan on marrying you but is unsure, and he doesn''t plan on marrying you and is stringing you along. I doubt it''s the last. And based on all your "joint" stuff it sounds like he''s headed towards marriage. Plus, it doesn''t sound like he''s opposed to the idea of being married (in the future perhaps), so I''d say it''s probably the first option. Communication is important, and I''d say it''s fair to ask him to make up his mind for sure before you have another life transition (in a couple years), sooner if he likes but no later than that time.

Good luck!

 

[Erin]

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/boy-soon.25425/

 

[lulutheleo]

Hey Sam, can you really compare turning 50 to getting married? I can see the similarities, but that''s a hard comparison for me to make personally. I think of marriage as a path that two people take together. Turning 50 happens to everyone who lives for 50 years!!

SWT -- I am sorry to hear that you are frustrated with your situation. I told my BF the same thing -- it''s okay for him to be unsure, but you deserve to have a relationship with a committment (ring, proposal, whatever that is to you) behind it, if that''s what you desire. And if that''s what you want, I think that''s what you should have.

I agree with nytemist when she said: "concentrate on YOUR life, giving him the chance to really think about how he feels. I''m not saying to neglect your relationship or play games with him. Be sure he knows what you want, then give him the time to work himself into being ready for that level. The amount of time you are willing to wait is up to you."

You can''t forget yourself in all this.

 

[stermag]

Sam, something you said stuck in my mind and I feel compelled to comment.

You referred to not being able to take the next step as a "mental hurdle". To me, a mental hurdle is something which is a product of the mind (i.e. a fear of spiders which prevents me from ever walking down into the basement, for instance). So, if we are talking about someone "not being ready" NOT because he has reservations about the woman he is with, her character or his feelings for her but because of a "mental hurdle"... to me this begs the question: how on EARTH is more time going to help you/him/whomever overcome it?

A hurdle, of any kind, requires ACTION to be overcome. A physical hurdle, such as distance, for example, requires that the couple move closer together before moving forward, yes? A mental hurdle requires that one spends some time examining one''s own feelings...

Making a decision, any decision of great importance, is difficult, it requires faith in oneself, it requires confidence, it requires strength of character and conviction... In this case, it requires you not only to believe that your girlfriend can be the one for you, but that YOU can be the one for HER... and to be that someone for another person is a huge level of responsibility... one which is difficult to attain for men who simply aren''t mature enough to handle it.

So, it''s not enough to say that a "mental hurdle" is preventing you from moving forward and then expect that your girlfriend stops the world from turning and waits for you to get over it. It is up to YOU to figure out what that mental hurdle is - is it fear of failure, is it inability to handle such responsibility, is it lack of love...

"Mental hurdle" is a cop out. If you expect understanding from your significant other, give her something she can sink her teeth into.

 

[applechick]

i think you''re be awfully judgemental of sam.

i think it is equally unfair for a girl to say a guy should definitely give a commitment by this date as it is for a guy to string a girl along for however many years --- there is probably some truth and validity to both sides. i think that in many ways what MAKES relationships stable is the fact that guys and girls approach them differently. NOT to generalize or stereotype, but sometimes you see the downside to having two men or two women in a relationship in gay or lesbian relationships - the gay men don''t want to be monogomous and the the lesbian women, as the joke goes, bring a moving truck on the second date. again, i am NOT trying to stereotype or degrade gays or lesbians --- i have tons of gay friends and this is something they themselves joke about it. i think there is *something* inherently stabilizing about the different ways men and women view love, commitment, and sex in general (although there are men who view it like women traditionally do and women who view it like men who traditionally do)..

As my parents used to say:

"the more reluctant someone is to make a promise, the more likely they are to keep it."

 

[stermag]

This honestly isn''t a judgement of Sam, but an attempt to elaborate on a thought his comment triggered.

As I mentioned to him in the post he, himself, started - a man is perfectly within his right to wait as long as he wants, for whatever reason, or even no reason at all... period. That being said, when dealing with serious relationships in which one, or both, parties invest time and a lot of effort, I think one owes it to him/herself as well as one''s partner to examine the issues which give him pause.

My point was simply to say that I, as a woman, am more likely to understand and accommodate someone if I know what his concerns are, what issues he''s struggling with, what causes his doubts. As always, it boils down to communication, and the fact that we can all better ourselves in its art.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I''m still not clear on when your 20s suddenly became the "young" years to get married....it shouldn''t be about the specific age as much as the relationship. To me a 26 year old man who doesn''t want to get married after five years--for me--would be unacceptable. If you can''t afford a big wedding, do it at your parents house, do it small, just do *something.*


I think men have this idea they have to "be somewhere" before they get married. As long as that somewhere involves not being tied to your parents apron strings, I don''t see how its important.

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 3/28/2006 3:47:29 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
I''m still not clear on when your 20s suddenly became the ''young'' years to get married....it shouldn''t be about the specific age as much as the relationship. To me a 26 year old man who doesn''t want to get married after five years--for me--would be unacceptable. If you can''t afford a big wedding, do it at your parents house, do it small, just do *something.*



I think men have this idea they have to ''be somewhere'' before they get married. As long as that somewhere involves not being tied to your parents apron strings, I don''t see how its important.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age of first marriage (not engagement) for women is 25.1 and for men is 26.7. Even if it is "young," a lot of people are choosing to make that step then.

After 5 years together, it''s not unreasonable for her to want to know where he sees their relationship heading.

 

[samkongado]

Date: 3/28/2006 1:07:57 PM
Author: lulutheleo
Hey Sam, can you really compare turning 50 to getting married? I can see the similarities, but that''s a hard comparison for me to make personally. I think of marriage as a path that two people take together. Turning 50 happens to everyone who lives for 50 years!!

SWT -- I am sorry to hear that you are frustrated with your situation. I told my BF the same thing -- it''s okay for him to be unsure, but you deserve to have a relationship with a committment (ring, proposal, whatever that is to you) behind it, if that''s what you desire. And if that''s what you want, I think that''s what you should have.

I agree with nytemist when she said: ''concentrate on YOUR life, giving him the chance to really think about how he feels. I''m not saying to neglect your relationship or play games with him. Be sure he knows what you want, then give him the time to work himself into being ready for that level. The amount of time you are willing to wait is up to you.''

You can''t forget yourself in all this.

This was just meant to be a comparrison. When someone turns 50, they are probably the exact same person they were the day before when they are 49. In their head, they may feel different because of a new status- being 50. Same thing with living together with someone for 3 years and then getting married. Truthfully there is probably little or no difference in their life. But it may feel different and that might be what he''s fearing.

For some people, 26 is young. For some people 26 is old. Everybody goes through life in different stages. I''m 27. I feel young. All my friends are in similar stages of life as me, either single, dating, engaged, and a couple are married. I don''t have a single friend my age with kids. So my cirlce of friends are all still in the "young" phase of their life which makes me feel that way too.

 

[samkongado]

Date: 3/28/2006 2:38:22 PM
Author: stermag
This honestly isn''t a judgement of Sam, but an attempt to elaborate on a thought his comment triggered.

As I mentioned to him in the post he, himself, started - a man is perfectly within his right to wait as long as he wants, for whatever reason, or even no reason at all... period. That being said, when dealing with serious relationships in which one, or both, parties invest time and a lot of effort, I think one owes it to him/herself as well as one''s partner to examine the issues which give him pause.

My point was simply to say that I, as a woman, am more likely to understand and accommodate someone if I know what his concerns are, what issues he''s struggling with, what causes his doubts. As always, it boils down to communication, and the fact that we can all better ourselves in its art.

I''m not sure where I said that a man is perfectly within his rights to wait as long as he wants for whatever reason he wants...

I think a girl has a right to know what a guy is thinking. Especially after 5 years. I would never give the advice to a girl to wait for as long as the guy wants to get engaged. If she is at a point where she has to know, then that''s her perogative. It''s one thing to communicate and try to figure out if both people are on the same wavelength. It''s another thing to pressure a guy to do something he''s not ready to do. If he''s not ready, then perhaps the possibility exists that it''s time to move on.

Back to square one, Acacia it sounds like your boyfriend just has some self reflecting to do, but that he loves you and wants to be with you. Just be honest and upfront with him without putting pressure on him, and that should let you know how he''s really feeling. Oh and I just thought of something else (which I might take some heat from the ladies for!), when you do discuss this with your boyfriend, if possible, try to make it a discussion more than an emotional breakdown (which is what I experienced). When me and my gf talked about it, it was always a very emotionally charged discussion which was not rational (don''t forget us guys are rational creatures), and with her breaking into tears and not being comprehensible put extra emotional pressure on me. It was hard to get true feelings out when a conversation is like that. Just my two cents from the guy''s point of view.

 

[swt_acacia]

So if my boyfriend is simply acting (or lack thereof) on a general feeling that he''s just too young for marriage, as sam suggested, what is the best course of action for me to take? Given that we have about a year before both of us need to start applying for postdoctoral positions and/or jobs, do I drop the marriage subject again and hope my renewed silence gives him the time to sort things out, or do I try to help him work through his thoughts with discussion? I have a sneaking suspicion that when I don''t bring up the subject, he doesn''t think about it at all (A thesis project will gladly eat up all the time you let it!)

 

[samkongado]

If I were you, I would sit down with him and have a very non-threatening conversation about marriage- lighthearted if possible! I know that this is a serious subject, but if you can somehow combine being lighthearted and still convey the importance to you, I think he''ll be much more receptive to talk about how he feels. Make sure he''s at ease, and just tell him that you don''t want to pressure him into anything but it''s something that''s important to you. I think that''s your best bet - once again from a guy''s point of view!

 

[lulutheleo]

Date: 3/28/2006 5:40:12 PM
Author: samkongado
If I were you, I would sit down with him and have a very non-threatening conversation about marriage- lighthearted if possible! I know that this is a serious subject, but if you can somehow combine being lighthearted and still convey the importance to you, I think he''ll be much more receptive to talk about how he feels. Make sure he''s at ease, and just tell him that you don''t want to pressure him into anything but it''s something that''s important to you. I think that''s your best bet - once again from a guy''s point of view!

Sam, it is really nice to have your point of view. I appreciate when you weigh in, and I agree with what you said here. I don''t think talking about marriage has to be an all out emotional tirade. Nor, should it be something that is taken too lightly either. It''s a balancing act, and I think I can echo most LIWs when I say that the communication between you and your SO should be clear and open. And, it''s good to have the other person at ease, but I think marriage makes everyone a bit nervous, don''t you think?

I think if you speak from your heart, tell him what your goals are for the relationship, ask him his opinion, hopefully that will start a good conversation.

And I''m going to repeat myself, but you really do need to think of you in all this too. I mean, if he tells you that he''s too young for marriage, are you willing to wait for him? And then that brings up the question, how long is too long??

 

[Maria D]

>>do I drop the marriage subject again and hope my renewed silence gives him the time to sort things out, or do I try to help him work through his thoughts with discussion? I have a sneaking suspicion that when I don''t bring up the subject, he doesn''t think about it at all (A thesis project will gladly eat up all the time you let it!)<<

I don''t think you can help someone work through their thoughts with discussion when they aren''t the ones initiating the discussion. Also, if you suspect that he doesn''t think about it at all, what thoughts is he going to work through?

That leaves with you dropping the marriage discussion. But it doesn''t mean you have to passively hope for your boyfriend to sort out his feelings. You can use the time to work on your feelings. Are you absolutely sure you want to be married? It''s not the same as moving in together because looking for roommates is a pain or choosing the family share plan because it''s cheaper than individual cell plans. Of course you haven''t shared all the details of your relationship and what the two of you really mean to one another....but some of what you have shared points to "falling into situations" partly because it was the easiest thing to do at the time.

You can''t change a decision you made three years ago, but that doesn''t mean you have to continue with that decision if it''s not working for you now. Nor does it mean that the time you have spent discovering the intricacies of your relationship were a waste. Have you ever considered moving out, living independently, and seeing what that is like for both of you? You two already know how you are living together. Maybe finding out what it would be like to live as independent adults will answer questions for both of you. Just something to think about....

 

[bookworm21]

swt_acacia, believe what everyone''s telling you: you''re not the only one in this situation. I''m in the same situation as you, and yes, it sucks. Horribly sucks, for a lack of a better explanation.

My bf and I are 29 and 25, and we''ve been together ten years, and his responses are very simliar to that of your bf''s. I would sit him down and talk to him, tell him how important a wedding is to you and what it symbolizes to you. Explain the sentiment behind the diamond engagement ring (if that''s what you want). Chances are, if he really loves you, he''ll understand how important it is to you and will stop complaining about a wedding and diamonds. My bf used to complain about the same thing until I sat him down and told him that the traditions are important to me, so please don''t disregard them. He listened, and we talk about when we''re going to get married, but he still cannot commit to an answer.

If you think it''s worth it to wait for him and you''re sure he''s the one, then I say wait. But if you''re not sure, and he''s not giving you any indication that he intends to marry you, then you should rethink the situation.

If things don''t change when your graduate programs are over, then move out. Sometimes, boys don''t realize what they had until it''s gone, and it may jolt him into realizing that waiting too long may not be worth the chance of losing you.

Hope this helps.

 

[chrisam143]

I was in the same boat as you. I will be 25 next month and my now finace will be 28. I was with my fiance almost 5 years until we moved in together. At about 5 years all I could talk about was getting married. He kept saying he wasn''t ready and didn''t liek to talk about it. Part of it is that he wanted to be finacially ready and such. At one point I told him I didn''t need to know when it was going to happen but that it would happen, and he reassured me we would get married one day.

After our 6 year anniversary and he didn''t propose I was even more sad. Then a few months ago I pointed out a ring I liked online and he told me to email it to him. So then that was all I could talk about. One day he asked if I wanted to go look at rings. He bought a ring a month later and then made me wait over a month. He propsed to me 3/17. We''ve been together almost 6 1/2 months, but it was worth the wait. I rather he be ready then be rushed into something, which could cause problems later.
Now we are waiting until May 2007 to get married, so another 14 months to wait, and I will be 26, he will be 29.

Remember he loves you.

 

[meepcat]

>>My boyfriend and I (he''s 26 & I''m 25) have been together for five years. We''re still nowhere near a proposal. He goes back and forth bewteen telling me he''s interested in getting married, to saying he''d be happy going to the courthouse right now, to saying he''s just not ready, to complaining about how all weddings and diamonds are stupid traditions and a waste of money.

Eh. That''s unfortunate. You''re probably both mentally different in age. (Don''t women mature faster than men?) Also, 25 can differ greatly from 30. Were you thinking the same at 20 that you are at 25? Sometimes, you can grow into dating someone where you both have convergence for a monogamous commitment.

But I also think wading through the dating pool awhile, before settling down, yields some perspective on awareness of different personality types through intimate relations, and recognition of personal idiosyncrasies that can affect individual and couple happiness.

IMHO.

 

[swt_acacia]

meepcat, I''ve known BF for the last five years of his life, and I still didn''t see his discomfort with marriage coming. It seems to be a wedding-specific hangup of his, since nothing else about our relationship becoming more serious (moving in together, owning the car together, getting a joint account for paying rent & bills, spending time with each other''s families) has ever bothered him. I think he must just be weird. I swear, it''s like a black cat crossed his path at a wedding once and now he''s afraid of them. Arrgh!