Getting through to the future Mother-In-Law

[snuga]

Some of you know my story, but for those who dont, here''s a little background: My boyfriend and I will be together 6 years in February. We are planning to get engaged within the next 9 months. It has not happened yet because of financial constraints. My boyfriends mother REALLY wants us to get engaged (sometimes I think even more than me! Just Kidding!!). She has this diamond that was set in her original engagement ring. It''s a nice stone, but not what I want. She keeps offering it to my boyfriend to use and he keeps politely telling her that it''s not what we want.

I don''t really know how to react whenever she presents me with this diamond. I don''t want it, and I''m having a hard time getting that through to her. We have said things like, "It''s not what we want, Thanks anyways", "We want something that represents US more", "We prefer a different size/cut"... it just never seems to get through to her.

Any advice on how to deal with this? I don''t want to be rude, but I also want her to realize it''s just NOT what I want...

IDEAS?? ADVICE??

 

[MissAva]

What about showing her what you do want? Perhaps a bridezilla book with a section devoted to your dream ring...it could have pictures of shanks, ring qoutes information about cut and metal alloys....
Perhaps if she sees how much research you are putting into your dream stone and ring she will be able to focus on that instead.

 

[SoonIHope]

I agree with Mata, I think that would be helpful for her to see that this isn''t just a flat rejection of HER stone, so much as it''s just that you already know what you have your heart set on.

Maybe you could also say something like, "I love the idea of having a family stone in a pendant or other piece of jewelry, but for my engagement ring, I want it just to be ours." Then she might A) not have her feelings hurt that you don''t think her stone is good enough and B) consider giving you her stone later for something else.

 

[snuga]

She has given me COUNTLESS broshures and magazines to look at and I have shown her exactly what I want. She always says that I''m being too picky and that if I really want to get engaged, I should lower my expectations. I talked to my boyfriend about what she says and he doesn''t think I''m being greedy or picky at all.

I want a RB solitaire (0.75-1.0 carats) in a WG setting. She says I should shoot for something in the .25 carat range.

While this is fine, I have my heart set on something a little larger. Is she right? Am I just being greedy? Should I lower my expectations? I have told her that I would rather wait 1-3 extra months for a ring that I love than settle for something that I know is not what I truly want.

 

[SoonIHope]

Hey, you''ve seen all the other rings here, you know that wanting .75-1 ct is toooootally not unreasonable!!! If you''d been telling her you wouldn''t accept her 3ct b/c you wanted a 5ct then I would still be on your side (assuming your boyfriend was willing/able to get you a 5ct) but what you''re requesting is entirely reasonable, especially if it will only take 1-3 months for your boyfriend to save the extra! If he''s willing to get you exactly what you want, then YOU DESERVE TO GET IT!!!

The mean answer I''d be tempted to give her is something along the lines of "maybe I should lower my expectations on the type of mother in law I''d like to have too" but I don''t actually recommend trying to pick a fight with her.

You''re NOT being greedy as long as your boyfriend wants to give you what you want!!! Just keep reminding her of that!!!

And sorry she''s such a pain.

 

[anchor31]

If your boyfriend''s okay with getting you a 1 carat stone, then you''re not being greedy at all.

 

[caligal]

Times have changed regarding diamonds! You aren''t being greedy at all, particularily when your boyfriend has agreed to this and it isn''t outrageously outside his budget. I agree with Albi (we seem to agree a lot!); tell her you really are honored by her gesture and would love to use her diamond in a necklace or another piece of jewelry.

 

[snuga]

Date: 12/6/2005 5:30:40 PM
Author: albicocca
Hey, you''ve seen all the other rings here, you know that wanting .75-1 ct is toooootally not unreasonable!!! If you''d been telling her you wouldn''t accept her 3ct b/c you wanted a 5ct then I would still be on your side (assuming your boyfriend was willing/able to get you a 5ct) but what you''re requesting is entirely reasonable, especially if it will only take 1-3 months for your boyfriend to save the extra! If he''s willing to get you exactly what you want, then YOU DESERVE TO GET IT!!!

The mean answer I''d be tempted to give her is something along the lines of ''maybe I should lower my expectations on the type of mother in law I''d like to have too'' but I don''t actually recommend trying to pick a fight with her.

You''re NOT being greedy as long as your boyfriend wants to give you what you want!!! Just keep reminding her of that!!!

And sorry she''s such a pain.

ROTFLMAO!!! abicocca, that line made me laugh so hard!! BELIEVE ME that''s what I am thinking when she talks to me.. And it''s good to know that I''m not coming off as greedy.

My boyfriend is truly the most generous and giving person I have ever known. When we first started looking at diamonds and rings, I was looking at something in the 0.65-0.90 carat range. He actually suggested going larger and wanted to make sure that I tried on every size at the store (up to 3+ carats) to make sure I knew what I wanted. Probably a bad idea on his part because now I want something bigger

. He always tells me that he just wants to make me happy and he won''t disappoint me when it comes to the ring, like he could!! He tells me that his "ideal carat size" for me would be 0.90-1.25 carats.. How many guys out there are like that??? I really am lucky to have him.

Anyways, I just don''t know how to react to his mother. I just want to scream whenever she comes at me with diamonds or broshures or "just wants to talk".... I can''t seem to get through to her. She doesn''t get it.... It''s SOO frustrating and aggravating because I really really dont want to be rude. Her offering her diamond to us is really nice and it''s a sweet gesture but WE DONT WANT IT!!

AHH!!

I just want to tell her to shut up and mind her own business,

but I don''t think that would blow over well....

 

[MissAva]

Date: 12/6/2005 5:23:21 PM
Author: kalispera
She has given me COUNTLESS broshures and magazines to look at and I have shown her exactly what I want. She always says that I''m being too picky and that if I really want to get engaged, I should lower my expectations. I talked to my boyfriend about what she says and he doesn''t think I''m being greedy or picky at all.

I want a RB solitaire (0.75-1.0 carats) in a WG setting. She says I should shoot for something in the .25 carat range.

While this is fine, I have my heart set on something a little larger. Is she right? Am I just being greedy? Should I lower my expectations? I have told her that I would rather wait 1-3 extra months for a ring that I love than settle for something that I know is not what I truly want.

1) Why should you lower your expectations, they are perfectly resonable. To be blunt I think she is being rude by butting in on something that is between you and your SO. (Ya''ll are no longer in Junior High and she needs to except this)
2) What you want is simple, lovely and classic...and is not likely to go out of fashion and is not huge and gaudy or tacky.
3)You are not being greedy. Do not lower your expectations unless you and your boyfriend and agree that your desires are out of reach. And 1-3 months is not an unreasonable amount of time to save/wait for a ring.

 

[Shay37]

Good luck. I don''t think that I''ve managed to get through to mine in over 7 1/2 years of marriage. She doesn''t get hints unless you send them to her with a sledgehammer!

At this point, you really have two options. Tell her what you really want to say (not recommended until after you are married) on the subject. This will probably pi$$ her off till the ends of time.

Option #2 is that you flatly refuse to discuss it with her at all. If she brings it up again, (and she will) just tell her that you and her son have agreed to surprise the parents with the final choice of ring and the subject is no longer up for discussion with anyone but him. If she brings it up again after that, (and she will) look at her as if she is speaking a language which you do not recognize, smile sweetly and vaguely in her direction, and CHANGE THE SUBJECT! Keep doing this until she gets the sledg...er hint.

shay

 

[snuga]

Date: 12/6/2005 6:13:06 PM
Author: Matatora
1) Why should you lower your expectations, they are perfectly resonable. To be blunt I think she is being rude by butting in on something that is between you and your SO. (Ya''ll are no longer in Junior High and she needs to except this)
2) What you want is simple, lovely and classic...and is not likely to go out of fashion and is not huge and gaudy or tacky.
3)You are not being greedy. Do not lower your expectations unless you and your boyfriend and agree that your desires are out of reach. And 1-3 months is not an unreasonable amount of time to save/wait for a ring.

Yes, she is being rude.. She sometimes does not have *our* best intentions at heart. I think she is concerned about herself and just wants to start planning a big elaborate wedding (which is a whole other story because I want something small). I feel so much pressure from her and I know my boyfriend does too.

Is there really anything else I can say to her that I haven''t already? I can''t think of ANYTHING else that would make our message more clear to her without being mean or rude or inconsiderate.

 

[MissAva]

Oh I see...Humph! Perhaps you ought to tell her flat out that the wedding is yours, not hers. She has had hers and it is unfortunate that she feels she should be spending yours (or perhaps your parents depending) money. If she wants to pay (100%) for the wedding then she can offer her opinion, otherwise she needs to hold her tongue.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/6/2005 6:56:46 PM
Author: kalispera
Is there really anything else I can say to her that I haven''t already? I can''t think of ANYTHING else that would make our message more clear to her without being mean or rude or inconsiderate.

They say ya teach people how to treat you. You''d better start "teachin" right now or it''s gonna be a long, miserable relationship once you ARE married.

I think you need to be firm. Next time any diamond talk comes up say "We''ve decided to keep all the ring talk just between us for now... but you''ll be the first to know what happens." Have the sweetie back you up if necessary (explain to him what you''ll say before you say it to her & see if he concurs). Then STICK FIRM. NO discussion. No thank yous. No turning down the ring. "I''m sworn to secrecy!"

This is part of an adjustment for her ... from being "in" everything (i.e. - take my ring) and CONTROLLING stuff ("it''ll be a BIG wedding" --uh hello -- brides side plans!!) It won''t be easy but unless she''s a total WITCH, her new role in both of your lives will sink in eventually. You''re gonna be #1 soon. Probably hard for her.

 

[snuga]

Thanks for all the responses and support everyone!!

Sorry in advance for the long post, this is just a passionate subject for me!!

I know there will be a lot of problems with her in the future, she already drives both me and my boyfriend crazy, but I really don''t want to confront her with my major issues with her until after we are married. I will try to let her know that she can''t be involved in the ring planning process anymore. I know that won''t sit well with her and I am pretty sure it will be hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives (she is not one to let the little things go). I just can''t let her rule what is supposed to be a really special part of my boyfriend and my life together.

The wedding thing is a whole other problem. Although I know I shouldn''t worry about wedding plans until after I am engaged, it is something we have been forced to start thinking about because all of my family lives outside the country. My boyfriend and I want to get married where they are, in a small, simple, but elegant wedding, with approximately 50 guests, mostly family. My family does not have much money and they can''t afford to fly over here for just a weekend or even a week just to be at my wedding.

His mother has already started with the "it''s so nice to have big weddings. Maybe if you have a great big, formal wedding your family will realize how important it really is and come over here. If you have like 200 guests, then they will finally understand what a wedding is supposed to be like".....

There will inevitably be problems with her in the future. I try to take things with her one at a time, even though it can be difficult. My boyfriend is great about it, he totally supports me and agrees that we should minimize the confrontations until after we are married. I bite my tongue around her a lot, especially about things that should really ONLY concern me and my boyfriend....

 

[MissAva]

Date: 12/6/2005 8:27:02 PM
Author: kalispera
Thanks for all the responses and support everyone!!

Sorry in advance for the long post, this is just a passionate subject for me!!

I know there will be a lot of problems with her in the future, she already drives both me and my boyfriend crazy, but I really don''t want to confront her with my major issues with her until after we are married. I will try to let her know that she can''t be involved in the ring planning process anymore. I know that won''t sit well with her and I am pretty sure it will be hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives (she is not one to let the little things go). I just can''t let her rule what is supposed to be a really special part of my boyfriend and my life together.

The wedding thing is a whole other problem. Although I know I shouldn''t worry about wedding plans until after I am engaged, it is something we have been forced to start thinking about because all of my family lives outside the country. My boyfriend and I want to get married where they are, in a small, simple, but elegant wedding, with approximately 50 guests, mostly family. My family does not have much money and they can''t afford to fly over here for just a weekend or even a week just to be at my wedding.

His mother has already started with the ''it''s so nice to have big weddings. Maybe if you have a great big, formal wedding your family will realize how important it really is and come over here. If you have like 200 guests, then they will finally understand what a wedding is supposed to be like''.....

There will inevitably be problems with her in the future. I try to take things with her one at a time, even though it can be difficult. My boyfriend is great about it, he totally supports me and agrees that we should minimize the confrontations until after we are married. I bite my tongue around her a lot, especially about things that should really ONLY concern me and my boyfriend....

That comment alone would have been enough for me to get up and leave the room.

Some people cannot behave...the wedding is about the joining of two people who are leaving their families and forming one of their own. The only people who need to be there are the bride and groom. That is it!
But quite frankly I think you need to lay down the law with boundries NOW, and make sure your SO agrees, this sort of behaviour is the sort that could destroy your wedding, marriage and everything after. She sounds like a nightmare, I am sorry you are having to deal with such.....I cannot say what I am thinking.

 

[anchor31]

The "how weddings are supposed to be like" reminds me of my mother a bit. My SO and I want something small with close friends and family (around 50 people), and my mom wants to invite all twelve of my father siblings with their families and her mother''s five siblings'' families plus her bother''s family... Not to mention that my SO''s mother has eleven siblings and his father has five...

Someone suggested that I gave a wedding etiquette book to my mother when I get engaged, so she understands it''s my wedding and things aren''t like they were thirty years ago. It might be a good idea to give one to your future MIL too.

But insisting that your family spent an outrageous sum of money to travel to another country to attend a wedding she wants you to have...

That sounds very selfish and unfortunately reminds me of my own future in-laws...

 

[Blue824]

Date: 12/6/2005 8:27:02 PM
Author: kalispera


I know there will be a lot of problems with her in the future, she already drives both me and my boyfriend crazy, but I really don''t want to confront her with my major issues with her until after we are married. I will try to let her know that she can''t be involved in the ring planning process anymore. I know that won''t sit well with her and I am pretty sure it will be hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives (she is not one to let the little things go). I just can''t let her rule what is supposed to be a really special part of my boyfriend and my life together.

The wedding thing is a whole other problem. Although I know I shouldn''t worry about wedding plans until after I am engaged, it is something we have been forced to start thinking about because all of my family lives outside the country. My boyfriend and I want to get married where they are, in a small, simple, but elegant wedding, with approximately 50 guests, mostly family. My family does not have much money and they can''t afford to fly over here for just a weekend or even a week just to be at my wedding.

His mother has already started with the ''it''s so nice to have big weddings. Maybe if you have a great big, formal wedding your family will realize how important it really is and come over here. If you have like 200 guests, then they will finally understand what a wedding is supposed to be like''.....

There will inevitably be problems with her in the future. I try to take things with her one at a time, even though it can be difficult. My boyfriend is great about it, he totally supports me and agrees that we should minimize the confrontations until after we are married. I bite my tongue around her a lot, especially about things that should really ONLY concern me and my boyfriend....

I understand that your bf wants to minimize confrontations, which is good, no one wants to be fighting... but maybe when you''re not there having him saying something more firm about you two would be good...like have him show her the ring he''s thinking of, and how he loved the size of stone he talked you into going up in size to on your finger. I understand her feelings on the wedding, I think each set of parents usually has an idea of what their kids weddings should be like since it is centered around families, but as for the engagement ring, she should butt out and let her son do the work!

As for the wedding, that has briefly been discussed with my family just because I know I won''t really get much say in having a huge reception, but that''s on my parents part, and if that''s what my dad wants to pay for, fine...but I''ve made it clear that I''ll eitehr get married elsewhere or have a small ceremony in town. It might be a compromise that works for you...if she wnats this huge 200+ person affair with all these people you don''t now and its her concoction, let her pay for you two to have that after you get what you want.

 

[Leila]

Kalispera, I''m so sorry your future MIL is like that. It is best to nip it in the bud right now. My experience is similar to yours, but it was mother. She gave me and my husband so much grief when we were planning our wedding. She wasn''t happy that we married young, even after dating for over 5 years. She had to pick the day for us, according to her religious beliefs, and the time of day as well, which was 8 in the morning. She wanted a big wedding. We wanted a very small intimate wedding, despite having a large family and lots of friends. She wanted to make all the important decisions, even criticized my engagement ring to my husband''s face when we came home to tell her and my father the good news. No, my husband did not ask for their blessings first because they would have said no--seriously. My mom is the type of breed, where no man is good enough for her baby girl. I am the youngest girl in the family and the first to marry. I love her to death and we are very close, but she is the most difficult person I know. She has a very strong personality and will say whatever is on her mind. Anyway, I gave up on trying to please her (we did do it on the day she picked so she wouldn''t disown me) but we did everything else OUR WAY. My husband and I hated planning for the wedding, we just wanted to be married, everything else was not important to us. So we went to the judge at 8am and exchanged vows( his aunt was our witness), we didn''t invite anyone else to come. We had a very nice, lavish dinner that night with just the immediate family and the closest friends-- it was just 60 people. Of course, my mom was LIVID, still brings it up each time I call her, that we essentially eloped and that people think we''re so cheap since we make so much money but won''t have a wedding, or other people will think we''re so poor we can''t even afford a wedding.

Uh, yeah, we did have a wedding--we just did it our way! I have no regrets and *sigh* I let her know it each and every time it comes up. Some of my husband''s relatives, on his mom''s side, are something else, as well, but that''s another story!

So, Kalispera, don''t back down and good luck!

 

[pebbles]

I think that your BF needs to be the one to deal with his mom on this ring issue, otherwise you will come across as being the ungrateful GF. You may want to say the next time she brings up the ring that you do not want to be involved in the process any longer, that you want you BF to surprise you. Even if that isn''t the case, if she thinks you aren''t involved then she may be less likely to bug you. Your BF needs to be firm that he is getting your ring as a token of HIS love and that it is important for HIM to pick out the stone/ring for you and that this is in no way a rejection of HER. Lay it on his shoulders - it is his mom after all.

I too have a very demanding MIL. When issues like this come up (and they have!) I totally stay un-involved and lay it all on hubby''s shoulders. He does that to me with my mom, so I do it back with his.

This will be an adjustment for your MIL. For years she was the top woman in his life; now it''s you. That''s not easy for many women to give up. I think even if your MIL is great, on some level they all think that no woman is good enough for their son.

I feel for you. Please let us know how it all works out.

 

[snuga]

Thanks for everyones responses! Believe me, the advice does not go wasted on me.

When my boyfriend and I started dating, I knew what I was getting into with his mother, and I deeply analyzed if I wanted to marry into it. The truth is, I don't care who his family is, I want to be with him and unfornately he comes with a difficult mother..

Unfortunatley, confronting her now would probably not be a good idea, based on various factors, which I will not go into. As for my boyfriend confronting her, he has tried, but he and his mother have several issues between them which stem from how he was raised. She was not at all the type of person who should have had children. She was abusive, verbally, physically, and emotionally.

He does not truly respect her as a person, but tries to respect her as his mother.. if that makes any sense. So whenever he tries to talk to her about anything, there are a lot of problems that arise. This is why it makes more sense for us for me to talk to her, because she won't hit or spit on me, but if he talks to her, she will do that to him. She has actually told us both that she would rather have me as a daughter than him as a son, so what I say usually means more to her than what he says, sadly.

I try not to dwell on the wedding details, because I am not even engaged yet. My family, parents, siblings, everyone want me to have the wedding that I want to have. His mother would NOT pay for anything that has to do with the wedding because she believes it is the bride's families responsibility, she just wants it her way or she threatens to not come... oh well.... I will have to deal with that when it comes down to it. And if she doesn't want to come, she doesn't have to.

For now, I just want to get through to her about the ring... one thing at a time... My boyfriend will probably not even tell her when he is thinking about proposing becuase she will tell me and ruin the surprise, just to make his life more difficult. As you can see, she is not an easy woman to deal with.

Thanks for all the support, it's good to know that I'm not the only one out there with problems regarding the MIL or future MIL!

 

[decodelighted]

I know you don''t want to deal with this right now & totally understand. I think eventually (unless she gets the help she needs) you both are going to have to cut this abusive woman out of your lives & the lives of your future children. I don''t say this lightly. The stuff he went through is going to show up - manifest itself somehow. I hope he too seeks counseling for both of your sakes. It would become clear that this woman should be avoided at all costs. Toxic. Selfish. A classic narcassist & abuser.

 

[snuga]

Date: 12/7/2005 2:26:42 PM
Author: decodelighted
I know you don''t want to deal with this right now & totally understand. I think eventually (unless she gets the help she needs) you both are going to have to cut this abusive woman out of your lives & the lives of your future children. I don''t say this lightly. The stuff he went through is going to show up - manifest itself somehow. I hope he too seeks counseling for both of your sakes. It would become clear that this woman should be avoided at all costs. Toxic. Selfish. A classic narcassist & abuser.

Obviously, This is an issue that has already been discussed AT LENGTH between me and him. And while we are prepared to let her out of our lives, we still feel we should make an effort to include her because she is his mother. We have agreed already NEVER to let our future children be alone with her, no babysitting, not even for a minute!! And as stubborn as she is, I''m worried she will never get the help she needs.

My boyfriend has already gotten counseling (at my request) and the doctors say that he is fine. The apple fell FAR from the tree in this family. No long-term damage from his mother, but they insist that our children not be around her too often. This is definitely the plan, as we plan to move out of state shortly after being married to get away from her physically, but still allow her to contact us if she needs to. This is the type of relationship I hope to have with her someday. That we do not see her, but can be civil and include her in our lives and our children''s lives AS WE SEE FIT, not how she does.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/7/2005 2:39:12 PM
Author: kalispera
We have agreed already NEVER to let our future children be alone with her, no babysitting, not even for a minute!!

My boyfriend has already gotten counseling (at my request) and the doctors say that he is fine.

we plan to move out of state shortly after being married to get away from her physically, but still allow her to contact us if she needs to.

I''m so happy to hear all three of the above points! Good for you, Kalispera! And good for him! (So many guys don''t "get" the need to work out their "stuff" - I feared that for you & am SO RELIEVED that he "gets it" and "got it"

)

I''ve experienced a milder version of the above from the care of a narcissist & spent a few years in therapy "recovering"! It''s funny how the people who REALLY need the help (abusers) don''t have a clue they do.

 

[AmberWaves]

Bravo, Kalispera. I know it''s a hard thing to deal with, and thus leads you to just want to make one final statement which should end all interference on her part. It''s completely understood from all of us here. Right now, focus on your own sanity and just keep mum on whatever she may spout out. It sucks that you can''t just come out with, "Sod off, you old bitch" without ruining something or other. Still, use it as a mental mantra when she starts in. Something that makes me smile, when she''s ranting on, picture shoving her down the stairs. Just some minor harm due to her. Not a long flight of stairs, maybe off a patio or something.

You know we''re all here to help, and you can talk to us as any time.

 

[snuga]

Thank you for all the support deco and amber.

deco, yes, we have tried to make good decisions about this, and not jeopardize our relationship at the expense of forming one with her. I know that it will all work out, it''s just extremely frustrating. It''s funny how convinced she is that the problem lies in everyone else, not her... I definitely want to try to limit the contact with her without completely cutting her out of our lives, because when we have children, I do want them to know her. And I think it''s fair for her to know them, even if it''s under the watchful eyes of me and my (then) husband and on RARE occasions.

amber, LOL, I will definitely try that approach! I might end up laughing in her face though, so I will try the small patio stairs first and build my way up to stadium seats or something!

Thanks again!

 

[larussel03]

I think the best way to deal with her is by having your bf deal with her on this. You will have issues to has out with her yourself later (as we all probably will at one point or another with our MILs). Since he is the one who will present you with the ring, have him pull her aside and tell her it''s not what he wants to give you, and that he wants everything to be a suprise and that when she brings it up it kills the suprise a little bit. Its the truth, and that way you dont have to fight this battle with her.

 

[snuga]

Sweetpea, I guess we will have to try that approach. The problem is that she doesn't hear us. We/He/I can say something and it goes in one ear out the other.

Are all MIL like this?

 

[bookworm21]

Wow. You future MIL sounds like more than a real handful. Don''t really know what kind of advice I have to offer other than "in one ear--out the other" advice. Good luck with the planning and let us know how everything goes.

 

[roxy7]

While my boyfriend''s mom is a dream, he has other....shall we say..."difficult" immediate famiy members who I have to deal with.

I think you are doing the right thing. A confrontation would just fuel her fire and make her more disagreeable. The smartest thing to do is to not let her bother you.

As an outsider, I must say that I think it is CRAZY that she wants you to have a .25 carat ring but a 200-plus person wedding. I mean, for all the money that would be spent on the huge wedding (that you don''t want), then it''s time to scrimp on the ring that you will probably wear every day for the rest of your life? You could say in a very nice way that you would rather spend money on a nice ring because you will look at it every day for the rest of your life and save money on a big wedding (you can still have a super-nice wedding with half the people), which will be over and gone in one day. And if she disagrees with you, just say, "Everyone has their own opinions, but that''s just the way I feel."

Really, this entire thing is not her business. At all. She obviously has no sense of boundaries, so you have to set them in a very nice way. If she really starts giving you hell, I would look her in the eye and say in a very nive, but very firm voice, "I respect your opinion, but this is our wedding and we would like to do it our way."

that, or just avoid her at all costs.

 

[SoonIHope]

Wow kali, this story just keeps getting worse and worse - I''m so sorry!!

Sounds like you really are on top of the situation though, with your future plans (moving, keeping your kids away from her, etc) and the way you and your boyfriend have discussed it all, and that he has been to counseling. So at least the two of you are really handling this the best that you can, and I think you just need to stay firm and TRY not to let it bother you too much. (Easier said than done obviously...) Try the pushing-her-on-the-patio (in your mind

) approach, and remind yourself that you and your boyfriend only have to interact with her because you are making the conscious choice NOT to cut her completely out of your lives because of her behavior. You''re doing her a favor by staying involved at all, so I would just pity her for not realizing how much of a mess she has created within her own family, and try to smile complacently when she gives you "suggestions" about what your ring/wedding/life in general should be like, and then go right ahead and do exactly what you want. YOU (& your boyfriend) are doing her the favor of keeping her involved, but that doesn''t mean you have to let her ruin any of your plans.

That said, I''m sooo sorry you have to deal with this, and I can''t wait until you get the ring of your dreams, have the wedding of your dreams, and MOVE AWAY FROM HER!