Getting Frustrated (long)

[Cosmo_Gal]

So far my SO and I have been together for almost 6 months (December). From the get go I explained that drinking heavily was a dealbreaker for me. I drank heavily for a few years and had some very bad experiences. Now I very rarely drink when I go out if at all. Not to mention my grandfather & step-grandfather on my mom''s side were abusive alcoholics. It took a few occasions where he decided to go out and get drunk or went to a friends house to get drunk to get me to really express my feelings in detail to him. So the moment would pass and we''d go on with life until he did it again and again and again. I love him very much and I guess that''s why I keep getting upset and then getting over it vs breaking it off with him.

We met at my job where he is currently stationed temporarily. (We''re in the Navy) In the last 6 months we have been dating, we''ve only ever had the same days off for a month. Before that month we were able to spend more time together because we were able to take leave or finagle days off together. Ever since last month, we''ve been working opposite shifts without being able to get the same days off. (Not even 1) Basically one of us comes home from work, gets a few hours in and then has to go to bed for work that night. Don''t get me wrong, I love any time we spend together EXCEPT when I have to spend it with him when he''s drunk. Seeing as how we don''t have days off together he has a lot of opportunity to spend time with friends/have time to himself. I don''t ever mind him going out and hanging out with friends. It''s the I HAVE to drink with my friends every time I see them or they''ll look at me funny excuse that I mind.

I guess what it comes down to is that the not spending time together is stressful enough, and then add in the having to spend our down time off together with him drunk. Together it''s really just ruining what we have left of a relationship. Here we are talking about engagement and we can''t even get along for 1 day. Last week we had plans to do something when I got home and when I called him he was drinking over a friend''s house. At that point he only had a few beers, but when I got upset and assumed this meant he was getting drunk, he did get drunk and didn''t come home. Last night a friend of his came over and they got drunk together before I got home. Maybe I''m being selfish here, but I just don''t think it''s fair to have to come home from working 15 hours and have to deal with his drunk self.

He''s 28 years old and sometimes I wish he''d just act like it. I understand that a few of his very good friends are getting ready to move out of the state and he''s been dealing with a lot of work stress. I just don''t think that drinking all the time is a healthy way to deal with it and that there has to be a better way to relax. So, I suppose I''m just looking for an unbiased opinion here. Am I being crazy by being bothered by his drinking habits? Should I just let him be destructive? Thanks for listening because I''m at the end of my rope and about to pull my hair out.

 

[cocoa]

oh Cosmo, I hope you feel better after you let it out.
there''s a fine line between a drink-for-fun and an alcoholic
maybe it''s time to consider professional help to break his drinking habit?

please forgive me if i sound harsh, but you''ve acknowledge that you can''t plan for engagement and marriage if you can''t even spend 1 day together. Drinking is a hard-to-break-habit. He needs a strong will/determined to get and stay sober.
How many times "more" can you forgive him?

I think a relationship only works when both party work hard on it. You need to find out from him how much he loves you and how much he wants to start a family with you? Then help him overcome his drinking habit and plan for a future. this is the easy said than done part
Six months is not incredible long time but definitely not short. If there''s a doubt in your mind, then it''s time to really discern your expectations from your SO. Sometimes you have to cut your loss and move on

I hope you''re not in the worst case scenario and that you''ll be able to work things out with your SO.
here''s some love for you {{{{MUAH}}}

 

[gwendolyn]

Has he gotten drunk more often than the two examples you listed? Because although I don''t necessarily like the fact that he chose to get drunk after you got upset that you *thought* he was getting drunk, I''m also not sure two instances in a stressful month are that big of a deal.

But, on the other side, you know his behaviour much better than we do, and you said it''s a dealbreaker. If it is, then let him go, no matter how much you love him. If you stay with him, you should expect more of the same. People only change when they want to, not when others want them to.

I hope it works out for you, hon. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I totally agree with you that drinking can put stress on a relationship, especially if you don''t drink together. I''m sorry to hear that it''s causing you so much anxiety, but I don''t think you''re being selfish at all. You care about him, and you are concerned about what he could become, because you''ve seen it.

Here''s my opinion- you''ve already expressed your feeling to him about it. When you did that, were you 100% serious about it, or was it just a casual conversation? I think he REALLY needs to know how much it bothers you (and he needs to know that you are not willing to tolerate it because it hurts you, and you don''t feel loved by him when he is intoxicated all the time). I get really annoyed too, when my SO is drunk and I''m sober, but thankfully he doesn''t do it much now that he''s older. I think you should lay it down on the line and make sure he 100% understands how you feel about it. Then, if he''s willing to change for you, keep him. If he''s not willing to change, take a break or totally break it off. If you say it''s a dealbreaker and he continues to break the rules, then you need to stick by your word and break the deal! Otherwise, he''ll continue to walk over you. Realize that YOU cannot change a man, and unless he is willing to change FOR you, then you''ll have to deal with his habits forever, especially if you get married. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with yourself and decide whether (after only 6 months), he is worth the trouble to you or if he is going to cause you more pain and anxiety in your marriage.

That''s my $0.02. It''s a tough call for you, but I think you need to stand up for what you believe on this one, or you''ll never be completely happy with him in your life.

 

[girlie-girl]

I also think it''s important to have these discussions with him when he''s sober... not when he''s been drinking or is drunk.

Good luck!

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

In total there''s been about 5 times he''s gotten drunk after I expressed a desire for him not to be. I have always been very clear with him about my feelings. Of course every time it happens I get upset and we have an argument. He thinks I''m jealous because he''s spending time with his friends when I can''t and always complains that he never sees them. Like I stated before, we work opposite shifts so when he''s not with me, he''s with them. I think you hit the nail on the head with your whole entire post Amanda. I told him that I wouldn''t have children with him this way let alone marry him. I''d be setting myself up for failure. He doesn''t understand how much it hurts me. I''m only concerned because I love him and I don''t want him to continue on this way. I don''t want this issue to be what breaks us up. He thinks that I''m just being controlling rather than wanting him to do it for him/us. I have faith that we will work things out eventually, it may just take time. Thanks to the ladies who took the time to respond. That''s why I love this site

 

[Hera]

Are the five times when he was supposed to be spending time with you? Because I do think it''s being controlling to not drink at all on his other days off. It does seem pretty normal for military guys to get together and have drinks while spending time with their friends (my husband is in the Navy). I hope he''s not driving while intoxicated, though, because that would be a major issue with me and with the Navy. That being said, he is getting on the older side of doing all of that and it would start getting annoying if it was, say, once a week.

At this point, I think you can only control the days he is spending with you. I would give it some time to see if it calms a little. After six months of being together, this is still a transition point. Maybe there''s something you can do about your work schedules or at least make a plan down the road to somehow get them on the same schedule (I know it''s the Navy). This work situation is definitely exacerbating the situation. It''s not good for a relationship to be fighting about drinking on your one day off together and it will wear on the relationship. I would reevaluate this after another 6 months and see if you are still having this struggle. After that, though, I would be making some very big decisions if I were you.

 

[VRBeauty]

Cosmo Gal: You've said that you don't want to be around someone who drinks heavily, and yet you are. In fact, but you're with someone who will get drunk even when you the two of you have a rare chance to spend time together. I'm not concerned about him or his drinking or your relationship, I'm concerned about you. It seems that you are more concerned about him or your relationship, than you are about your own values and boundaries.

I don't mean to discount your love for him, I'm just questioning why it trumps taking care of your own needs. I'd urge you to check out Al-anon or ACA (adult children of alcoholics) if you can.

BTW, I'm concerned because I've been there.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 11/22/2008 8:09:21 PM
Author: VRBeauty
Cosmo Gal: You''ve said that you don''t want to be around someone who drinks heavily, and yet you are. In fact, but you''re with someone who will get drunk even when you the two of you have a rare chance to spend time together. I''m not concerned about him or his drinking or your relationship, I''m concerned about you. It seems that you are more concerned about him or your relationship, than you are about your own values and boundaries.

I don''t mean to discount your love for him, I''m just questioning why it trumps taking care of your own needs. I''d urge you to check out Al-anon or ACA (adult children of alcoholics) if you can.

Ditto to the above. This doesn''t sound like a very healthy relationship, let alone one that should be headed for marriage. It sounds to me like he''s a heavy drinker, and if you don''t want to be with a heavy drinker, you shouldn''t be with him.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it sounds like you already know that he isn''t right for you.

 

[gryffindor]

No cosmo, you are not crazy! Your health and well being absolutely comes first!!! I have been there too. For 4 years, nothing I said to him lead him to improve his behaviors. My situation echoes a lot of the things you have told us. It wasn''t until he started talking about getting engaged that it finally hit me that I had to be serious with myself first. I told him that I was prepared to leave him for good because I had not seen any changes in his drinking habits in four years. As concerned as I was for his health, I knew my mental and physical health came first regardless of the alcohol abuse he chose to inflict on himself. I had mentally prepared myself to walk - this was probably the hardest part.

I think it comes down to what your limits are and how commited he is to change. But your safety and well being come first. Please consult with a medical professional if you ever feel absolutely lost. I certainly considered it and read a lot about this subject to educate myself before making my decision.

 

[laughwithme]

I couldn''t agree with Amanda.Rx more. You say in the very beginning, this is a deal-breaker. Then you go on to explain yourself and it seems as though you''re almost looking for a reason to let him off the "deal-breaker" hook. I say, be true to yourself and the standards you''ve set. Deal-breakers are called deal-breakers for one reason: they mean it''s OFF if it happens. So, I say you either need to be true to that and let him go, or adjust your standards for his drinking to a "deal with it" rather than "deal breaker." I hope that doesn''t sound harsh. There is one poster on here who''s signature says "be careful of your words, you may eat them someday" and I am a big advocate of that - if you''ve made a promise to yourself, stay true to that, always.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

its seems like its just not viable in the long run, you need to decide if this is something you can deal with long term. If he is not willing to make the time than his priorities are not where they should be if you are talking marriage. I know its hard to walk away but its easier now then what it would be if you were already married. Have your tried Al-Anon? He is going to change only if and when he wants to change and that may or may not include you in the picture.

Its all up to you but I think you know the answer before you even posted. Sorry sweetie.

 

[Sabine]

One thing I''ve learned is that people have VERY different views on what is acceptable alcohol consumption.

I''ve always had issues with alcohol, mainly because alcoholism runs in my family and dh''s family. It has caused strain in almost every relationship I''ve had. But one thing I''ve learned over the years is that you can''t change how much a person likes to drink unless they want to change for themselves. He sees it okay. You don''t.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you''ve already made your feelings on the subject clear, yet he chooses to still continue to drink, even though it sounds like it is causing obvious tension between you. It''s a really crappy situation to be in, but unfortunately I think you need to decide, did you mean it when you said that him wanting to get drunk was a dealbreaker? If so, he has made his choice, and he would rather get drunk than keep you. Or do you think it is something you can learn to deal with?

One thing that has actually worked for me is analyzing the root of my problem with alcohol. DH and I have figured out that I don''t mind all drinking. We can go out to dinner and each have a drink. We can be at a party and each have 2 over the course of the night. We can be at home or somewhere we are staying overnight and get drunk as long as we are together and it''s not all the time. But I have issues with drinking heavily when we have to get home (even if it''s not both of us, it might be irrational, but it''s my issue). And I have major problems if he is drinking when I''m not there. So he has promised me that he will never have more than 1 or 2 drinks if I am not there, and with the exception of his bachelor party, he has kept to it. Is it fair of me to ask him to do this, no. But he gets that I have this issue, and he is willing to comply.

 

[purselover]

I don''t have any advice, just wanted to say I''m sorry you''re having such a difficult time.

 

[Cosmo_Gal]

Sabine, I'd definitely have to agree with you. It's not really the drinking that bothers me so much as it is the fact that he's drinking as much as he is sometimes. We have very few issues, but this is one that I consider to be hugely important. He's always been this way so I understand that the expectation for him to change his habits overnight isn't realistic. He isn't a belligerent or abusive drunk, he just isn't him when he drinks and that's also what bothers me. I wanted to be able to spend time with him, but he was tired on top of being drunk and just wanted to sleep. I do drink, but it's very rare. I'm a social drinker ie 1 or 2 drinks at a nice dinner or holiday. I'd agree that the fact that he's getting drunk and I'm not there is bothersome. Your solution to the problem is something that is reasonable to me, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about it.

I think maybe in the beginning it was a bigger deal breaker for me because we didn't know each other that well and I've had a lot of issues with drinking in past relationships. For some reason these men decided to drink their feelings. Although 6 months is a very short time, we've spent almost every day except a few together. We been through a lot and have grown together. It makes it harder to walk away when you love someone. I don't know that I'm quite ready to walk away over this. I think he's capable of making changes in the long run and I'm willing to stick around, but not for a whole lot longer. Like I said earlier, I know he's going through a lot so I'm going to give him credit. We both agreed to work on our relationship together, so we'll see where it goes from here. He's getting ready to leave my command after December, so there's one stressor out the door. His friends will be gone soon as well. If nothing changes in the next few months after all this crap is over, then I'm afraid we will have to go our separate ways.

I thank all of you ladies who have responded. I appreciate and respect the honesty you've given me because without it I'm probably still be stressed out. Sometimes it takes another perspective to see things the way they really are. My mom and I are very good friends and I like to share a lot with her, but I hate sharing the negative. Not to mention she just got back from a cruise, so I don't ruin her good cruise buzz Again thank you for taking the time to listen to my venting and frustrations.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 11/22/2008 2:39:16 AM
Author:Cosmo_Gal
So far my SO and I have been together for almost 6 months (December). From the get go I explained that drinking heavily was a dealbreaker for me. I drank heavily for a few years and had some very bad experiences. Now I very rarely drink when I go out if at all. Not to mention my grandfather & step-grandfather on my mom''s side were abusive alcoholics. It took a few occasions where he decided to go out and get drunk or went to a friends house to get drunk to get me to really express my feelings in detail to him. So the moment would pass and we''d go on with life until he did it again and again and again. I love him very much and I guess that''s why I keep getting upset and then getting over it vs breaking it off with him.

We met at my job where he is currently stationed temporarily. (We''re in the Navy) In the last 6 months we have been dating, we''ve only ever had the same days off for a month. Before that month we were able to spend more time together because we were able to take leave or finagle days off together. Ever since last month, we''ve been working opposite shifts without being able to get the same days off. (Not even 1) Basically one of us comes home from work, gets a few hours in and then has to go to bed for work that night. Don''t get me wrong, I love any time we spend together EXCEPT when I have to spend it with him when he''s drunk. Seeing as how we don''t have days off together he has a lot of opportunity to spend time with friends/have time to himself. I don''t ever mind him going out and hanging out with friends. It''s the I HAVE to drink with my friends every time I see them or they''ll look at me funny excuse that I mind.

I guess what it comes down to is that the not spending time together is stressful enough, and then add in the having to spend our down time off together with him drunk. Together it''s really just ruining what we have left of a relationship. Here we are talking about engagement and we can''t even get along for 1 day. Last week we had plans to do something when I got home and when I called him he was drinking over a friend''s house. At that point he only had a few beers, but when I got upset and assumed this meant he was getting drunk, he did get drunk and didn''t come home. Last night a friend of his came over and they got drunk together before I got home. Maybe I''m being selfish here, but I just don''t think it''s fair to have to come home from working 15 hours and have to deal with his drunk self.

He''s 28 years old and sometimes I wish he''d just act like it. I understand that a few of his very good friends are getting ready to move out of the state and he''s been dealing with a lot of work stress. I just don''t think that drinking all the time is a healthy way to deal with it and that there has to be a better way to relax. So, I suppose I''m just looking for an unbiased opinion here. Am I being crazy by being bothered by his drinking habits? Should I just let him be destructive? Thanks for listening because I''m at the end of my rope and about to pull my hair out.

Well, the opinion is not unbiased, but it IS informed. I was married to a "binge drinker". It didn''t happen often, but I never knew when he would, and lord when he did! Drunk in ditches, throwing up at company parties..that sort of thing. And HE was 40 when he was doing this. I look back now, shake my head at myself, and realize what an idiot I was to put up with it for a second. There were other problems also, but that drinking bit really nailed the coffin shut, you know?

My advice. Dump him. Fast. He clearly isn''t ready to grow up, and you can do much better. If you marry him and it continues...and it WILL, because I guarantee you there is not one thing you can do to change him...you will wonder every day and every night, when he is going to wrap himself around a pole, or who he slept with when he was drunk. It will corrode your relationship even more than it is now. You''ve already seen this. You have in fact answered your own questions above. Your GUT is telling you that this isn''t right. NEVER go against that gut feeling. You do so at your peril.

I''m now married to the right man, and I can tell you, I''ve done it hard and I''ve done it easy. When it''s really right, it FLOWS. There won''t BE that grinding, nagging feeling of doom.

Just my 2c. I wish you the best.