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Extremely upset ... I hate my proposal and my engagement ring

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aaaaaaaaa

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
5
Hi everyone,

I am so confused and upset. My boy (of 3 years) and I planned on getting married sometime next year. We hadn''''t talked details (rings etc) and there had been no official proposal (i.e. we had not told our parents etc of the plan) but I assumed we would get round to these details when the time was right (I did not feel that there was any particular rush and he is searching for a job so I thought it would happen once that was finalized). I also assumed that prior to any ring purchase, he would consult with me as to the type of ring I would like ... if I had known he would not, I would have definitely communicated my ideas.

Anyway, so last night, we planned to use a $100 voucher to a very nice restaurant. The restaurant was quite crowded and there were couples jammed either side of us. I was also in a bad mood because I was tired and had a bad day at work. Imagine my surprise when he produces this small box and says I have a present for you. Weirdly, I did not think that it contained a ring (I just thought chocolates - crazy I know) and so I opened it and there was a ring. Total surprise. I love him so much and do want to spend the rest of my life with him so I said yes.

I have to be honest though, for some reason, the proposal did not feel right. There was no privacy, I couldn''''t let myself be overcome with emotion, we were sitting so far apart and I was so concious of the couples next to us (who could overhear every word) - I wanted it to be just us somewhere we could truly open up and jump up and down about how excited we were instead it all just felt a bit sterile. In addition, it was some random dinner at some random restaurant that we ended up at because we were using a dinner voucher (and btw, I ended up paying for the amount we went over on the voucher, he will pay me back later - not that I would usually care at all as I make the most money and generally pay for us, it was just one more thing)! I felt disappointment with the whole proposal - I am embarassed to admit this but it doesn''''t change the fact.

I eventually look at the ring properly when we return home. It is really beautiful - he got it from de beers ... but it is not what I wanted. This is the most embarassing to admit - I find it too small (.5 carat). It is not about the $ spent (I had assumed that I would have to pay for my own ring as he is currently a student and I have been a banker for quite some years) - it is just that I knew what I wanted and I had the savings to buy what I wanted ... I guess I made the mistake of assuming we would have a discussion about it all beforehand.

I love him so much and he is so proud of his purchase (he is so clueless about women and jewellery etc). I am also really upset with the fact that I feel so much disappointment about the proposal and the ring ... I was so looking forward to these events and to telling all my friends and family and showing them the ring ... now I don''''t feel like I want to let anyone know or show them the ring because I feel like I can''''t hide my unhappiness.

Anyway, pls - any advice to get me through this???? I really need to know how to get over it/what to do etc ... I want to be over the moon happy and excited ...
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,041
Try to focus on getting married and spending the rest of your life with your best friend. Some guys just don''t get it. I am positive he thought it was a good proposal and you would be happy. I really think, as harsh as this sounds, you need to get over that aspect. I would not even tell him you were disappointed. Unless you hinted or told him how you wanted it done, I just don''t think its fair.

The ring is a trickier issue. Did you tell him what you wanted? I am sure he got what he could afford. There is really no easy solution. If you don''t say anything you will be upset. If you say something he will be very angry and hurt. Could you reset the diamond into a halo or a setting that maximizes the size? Is he the type of guy who is sentimental about these things? Could you gently suggest an upgrade sometime in the future?
 

Skippy123

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2006
Messages
24,299
Well I didn't have the perfect proposal either because my sweet hubby was so nervous, he just did it the moment I got home from the gym, which now I think is super sweet. I would forget about it not being what you want and realize this is your lifetime best friend and love of your life! I think having high expectations of the "perfect proposal" and high expectations of what he wanted to give you will make you unhappy in the end.

Maybe since you don't like the ring you could a) love it because he bought it for you and buy yourself a right hand ring or b) discuss it with him and maybe add your money toward an upgrade. I would move on and be excited about your life together. I am sorry and wish you the best, but do remember if he is a good guy that is the most important thing!
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diamondgirl5k

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 23, 2007
Messages
215
Hi, I can kind of relate.. my husband didn''t even end up getting on bended knee when he asked me, we were sitting on a couch.. and the ring wasn''t what i wanted, the size was perfect, but he picked out what he wanted to get me, not what i told him i wanted.. so what ended up happening was i ended up purchasing another ring (my upgrade) and now have two. He wasn''t happy about my purchase and was clear about it. Let me give you some advice.. IF you really love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him try not to let this disappointment get to you too much.. i know that it is important to us girls, but guys just dont understand (unless your really lucky to find someone who does)and if you say something to him it may just end up hurting him and causing a riff between the two of you.. give it some time before you talk about a new ring (maybe when your wedding ring shopping you could bring up the topic) but i wouldnt say anything just yet.. but try to be happy, this is supposed to be one of the happiest times in your life!! try to enjoy it, even if you do feel some disappointment.
 

04diamond<3

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 31, 2007
Messages
3,669
wow! Sounds rough! I think the biggest problem is that you are embarassed! If you really do love this guy and want to marry him, then be happy! If he is a college student and still managed to get you anything from de beers, then I would be happy with that! I dont think a woman should ever have to pay for her own ring!!!! Once he is out of school and you''re married for a few years at the earliest, you can always get an up grade, and turn what you have now into a necklace! If he''s as clueless as you say he is, then cut him some slack! He was probably terrified! the whole scene thing, I honestly dont know what to say about that....you should not have had to pay!!!! And, if it really continues to bother you so much, then I would talk to him!!! Communication is so important!!! And when you tell him you dont like the ring, be sure to mention a lot of good things about it! Like where its from!!!!!!!!!! But just tell him that you would have like a bigger one. And you should tell him that the fact that he did this totally on his own, and really did surprise you, touches you! Well, thats all I got...good luck!!!
 

cellososweet

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2006
Messages
876
hmmm. . . i didn''t really have the proposal of my dreams either. i am a very private person and my DH proposed at a restaurant with my parents watching. I was horrified inside, in all honesty. I wanted to jump up and dry hump him and cry. Haha. . . not really appropriate at a restaurant. So I politely said yes. I can understand your disappointment. It was something that stuck with me for a while and I even vented about it on here. I felt like he didn''t listen to me because I said the only thing I cared about was that he made it private. And he didn''t. So for me, it was more about the fact that he didn''t respect my wishes, not that it wasn''t the "proposal I wanted." Make sense? Well. . . . after help from all the lovely ladies here, I got over myself. This man wants to spend the rest of my life with me. And, he gets so excited sometimes that he doesn''t really think that much. He still does this and now I just laugh and see his intentions and I fall in love all over again. It''s just one of his little idiosynchrosies. He wants so hard to make me happy that he gets ahead of himself and "flubs" his plans. Bless him.

So here''s my advice. It happened. And it wasn''t perfect and honestly, yeah. . it was a bit of an odd place to do it. But, it''s done. I''ll say what the girls said to me, this man wants to be with your for the rest of your life. Be excited over that!

Ok. . . on to the ring. What about it do you not like besides the size? You can always upgrade later. The fact that you said you would probably have to pay for your own ring because he is a student, but he still managed to get you something (and i think .5 is a great size from someone who is a student) on his own really speaks volumes about how much he loves you. Men want to take care of their women and show them that they can do things on their own. I know a lot of guys don''t want $$ input on the ring (some don''t mind) and they want this to be their thing. The wedding is more your thing (though it is about both of you, don''t get me wrong) and the proposal, i feel, is his time to do his thing. I think you should be so flattered that he saved to get you something. I am lucky because I love my ring to freaking pieces, but seriously my DH could''ve proposed with a ring-pop and i would''ve licked it and said yes. It''s what it represents. If it really bothers you, wait a while (don''t want to hurt his feelings) and then talk to him about an upgrade and that you''d like to contribute and see how he feels.

Try to see the meaning of all of this (the proposal, the ring) and you''ll feel better.
 

Angel7

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
1,997
I agree with the other posts and just think you have to move away from the fact that it wasn''t the proposal of your dreams and look forward to the fact that you are marrying the man of your dreams!

I''m sure it''s easier said then done since I have NOT been proposed to and but I can emphasis with how you are feeling. Disappointment is a terrible feeling! But just think, you are engaged (I''m sure the ring is beautiful!) and you have a great wedding to plan and a long marrige to look forward to.

Also, if you feel comfortable enough, try talking to him about an upgrade. Keep the stone and work with a setting? It wouldn''t hurt to discuss it.

If you are feeling up to it, please post pictures of your ring! We all love diamond pics!
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Congrats on the engagment!
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I hope you feel "better" soon!
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Kayakqueen83

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 6, 2007
Messages
341
I''m so sorry that this happy time is not as wonderful as you would have liked it. I think if I were in your situation I would be a tad-bit disappointed as well. That being said.....you need to realize that you are marrying the man of your dreams and having that means far more than words in a restaurant and a ring that is not as substantial as you would like. This is nothing in the scheme of things and you need to let the thoughts of what you expected fade away. If this is the man that you love and want to marry don''t hurt him by telling him that the proposal and ring were not what you would have wanted. Talking to my boyfriend, I have realized that the proposal and ring are a BIG DEAL to them. They want to make you happy... and as your boyfriend’s excitement would express, he really did his best to give you everything that he could. Realize what a great man you have and focus on that. I know it''s easier said then done, but your love is the only thing that is real anyway, so you need to focus on that.

And in regards to the ring, I would suggest that you mention in a tasteful way about the possibility of an upgrade in the future. (Although I wouldn''t bring it up now) When that time comes around (maybe for your 1 year wedding anniversary?) you can have more control and say over the ring that you get, and it can be the ring of your dreams.

I''m truly sorry that you didn''t have the proposal/ring of your dreams, but you have the man of your dreams and a ring is just a ring.

Hopefully that helps. Now go give your FIANCE a big kiss and start planning the most important day of your life... your wedding!
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Odilia

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 1, 2005
Messages
1,621
Wish I had more time to respond with a thoughtful reply, but just a few things. I can relate to several aspects of your frustration. There were a lot of goofy, un-romantic things about his proposal (one friend asked, "did he get down on one knee?" [no] and also, he had sunglasses on, which he also did the first time he told me he loved me! Two momentous events and he has sunglasses on!
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) We joke about this now, and made up for the "on his knees" thing by getting on his knees when he gave me the e-ring (he didn't propose w/ one). Even on my last birthday, he was just giving me a ruby ring, and he got down on his knees to give it to me. And he "pops the question" every so often too (like when he gave the ruby ring, and even when he found some empty, antique ring settings in his aunt's house, he got down on his knees and popped the question again to give them to me), which is kinda fun, so it's like we get a lot of mileage out of the flaws in the original engagement. As you mentioned yourself, guys are so often clueless about this stuff, and yet they really do mean well and want to make us happy.

So anyway, as others have said, try to be excited about getting married, and the things that matter. Right now, your emotions are charged up so it matters more - I can totally relate. But it will get better. As for the ring, that, as Tacori said, is a trickier issue. As I'm out of time, I don't have time to give great advice on it right now.
 

dani13

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2004
Messages
6,183
Geez, this is a tough situation.....I agree with the others re: trying not to upset him, but I also think that you should have a ring that you are 100% happy with....If the original plan was to have you pick out exactly what you want, then why dont you talk to him about it? Its also not fair to him that he spent $$$ on something (which I think was very sweet) that you dont even like at all and dont want to wear...that's not good either. I know you are dissappointed in your proposal, but some men are just clueless, he probably felt that the time was right to present you with the ring he got you...I wouldnt look into that part deeply at all. To be honest, since you said that you were going to be paying 100% for your ring, I wouldnt think your 'perfect proposal" would be a surprise at all to you anyway...But I also agree with the others that no woman should have to pay for her own ring...Remember, you can always upgrade in the future....

I hope everything works out for the best....Good luck!
 

ang3199

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 17, 2007
Messages
841
It sounds like you are pretty upset. I''m sorry.

I agree with the other girls though. Try to look past the ''smallness'' of the ring. Although I think .5 is a good size, especially if he is still a student. My first diamond was a .4 and I loved it because he picked it on his own and we upgraded later at his discretion when he got a more stable job. Maybe your guy wanted to do just that: show you that he could pick it on his own. In terms of sentiment and heart, I don''t think bigger is always better if he presented you with this ring in terms of wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. His love and soul are in that ring.

The setting of my ring is not one I would have picked on my own, and I debated with myself over changing it or not, but FI was proud of the purchase so I kept it how it was and now I love it because HE designed it and gave it to me with the utmost love and respect. Maybe you could learn to love it, and as Diamond girl suggested, buy yourself a nice RHR.

I agree with Cellososweet whole-heartedly: "my DH could''ve proposed with a ring-pop and i would''ve licked it and said yes. It''s what it represents." My FI proposed with a quarter (long story for another time), in a car without even looking at me because he was so nervous... and I said yes to that. I love the man, and perfect proposal or not, he is perfect for me.

But be happy, you are engaged
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I would show off that ring proudly because it sounds like you are going to marry the man of your dreams!
 

Maisie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 30, 2006
Messages
12,586
I know you feel disappointed but your bf did it the way he thought was best. I feel a bit sad that you feel so upset by the whole thing. Take a step back and look at what really happened that night. The man you say you love so much asked you to be his wife. Surely that is a wonderful thing?

There will always be other jewellery... I should know - I wear a different ring to the one we got engaged with (that was a .25 carat!).

I think you might really upset him if you tell him any of these feelings you are having.

My advice to you is to get over it - and focus on the fact that the man of your dreams proposed to you!!

Good luck!!!
 

kellybelly

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 30, 2007
Messages
147
i can see how you would be upset. it seems the whole thing wasn''t personal to you and your BF at all, and that would upset me too. yes it''s true what other people have said, that what matters is you are marrying the man you love. however, it''s like having a fine steak served to you on a trash can lid (as Cliff Huxtable once said on The Cosby Show)-- many things are all in the presentation. it doesn''t have to be a fancy restaurant or skywriting, but it DOES have to suit you, and that''s what i think the problem is here. the place, the delivery, and the ring were not what you would have wanted if given the choice.

that said, you obviously can''t go back in time and change the proposal, but if you have an issue with the ring i would definitely speak up. exactly how to do that? sorry, but i have no idea. i have not gotten mine yet, but i sure hope it all suits me.
 

crowmama

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 20, 2001
Messages
161
I know that other posters have commented on the methods of a proposal, or the ring that they received when proposed to...

Some guys don''t think it''s worth the bother to propose at all! When you find a guy that wants to have you in his life for bettero or worse, etc. etc., accept the ring he proposed with, and then later on you could upgrade...

Let me say that with my DH, I actually proposed first, and while he didn''t say no (he took the ring, and still has it) he didn''t say yes, either. It was awkward, but we moved forward. He proposed to me many months later, and while the diamond he selected for me wasn''t what I would have picked out for myself (I''m a round/princess/asscher type, and he selected a pear), I would never part with it. My proposal and ring weren''t how I would have prescribed, but like my man, I treasure the uniqueness.

The ring is the contract for marriage, but you''re getting a man who loves you. Focus on the man, not the ring, and things will shine brightly.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
I think it''s common for women to feel underwhelmed by the proposal. The worst is to see a man feeling bad about his proposal, though. Some of my DH''s friends and family gave him a hard time for having a "cliche" proposal and I hate that he felt bad about it. I think that if you give it some time and can reflect on the proposal, you''ll really warm up to it.

As for the ring, how do you think he would react if you told him you''d like to change the ring? Some men would be very open to this and would want for you to wear something you loved. Other men feel that they put so much thought and effort into it that they are not open to any changes. Do you think he''d be open to letting you change the ring? Maybe you could do a 3-stone ring and use his stone as one of the side stones so that it is still a part of the e-ring. If not, maybe you could focus on the wedding band and buy yourself a really nice eternity band or 5 stone ring (or something like that?) that you love. I hope you guys can find a solution that you''re happy with.
 

Maisie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 30, 2006
Messages
12,586
i can see how you would be upset. it seems the whole thing wasn't personal to you and your BF at all,



I don't agree. I think it was something her bf put a lot of thought into. Maybe he didn't want her to buy her own ring. He did it the way he thought it would be lovely. How could he have known that it would be so busy that night. I feel really sad about this.
 

BriBee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 11, 2007
Messages
656
This is totally besides the point, but do you think you might post some pics of your ring? (This is the Show Me the Ring section after all...
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) We love seeing pictures of beautiful diamonds around here and it might make you feel better to let us oooh and aaaaah and drool over your new pretty. Just a thought.
 

gwendolyn

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 4, 2007
Messages
6,770
Date: 12/14/2007 12:56:14 PM
Author: kellybelly
i can see how you would be upset. it seems the whole thing wasn't personal to you and your BF at all, and that would upset me too. yes it's true what other people have said, that what matters is you are marrying the man you love. however, it's like having a fine steak served to you on a trash can lid (as Cliff Huxtable once said on The Cosby Show)-- many things are all in the presentation. it doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant or skywriting, but it DOES have to suit you, and that's what i think the problem is here. the place, the delivery, and the ring were not what you would have wanted if given the choice.
Maybe he thought that's what she wanted, though? I mean, considering they didn't have a conversation specifically about it, he might've been looking for hints and thought he figured out what she would want without directly asking her, and maybe the complete surprise aspect was very important to him? It's not realistic to expect him to be able to read minds.
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Steel

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 8, 2006
Messages
4,884

Hi a,


Welcome to PS. Life is funny sometimes isn''t it. It will all be ok, try not to get too upset at the moment. Enjoy the moment of being newly engaged, this time will not come again [hopefully!]. So your fiancé didn''t hit the nail on the head - come on, how many men* get ''everything'' right the very first time they try [you know what I mean ladies, from the DIY to more intimate matters

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]? It will be ok. Congrats on your engagement!


It seems you love your fiancé and the holidays are around the corner, it can be a wonderful time for you - if you let it.


About the type of ring he proposed with, that is up to you as a couple to sort out. We will be delighted to help here on PS with regards to eternity or wedding bands, or even an ''upgrade''. But that is to come. Talk that one out as a couple and when the moment is right, it is perhaps one of the first of many sensitive issues you will encounter together.


Good luck and congrats again. You are ENGAGED!!!!!![:appl:]
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* And to be ''PC'' us ladies do not get it right first time either (well we sometimes have an off day
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)

 

Linda W

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2006
Messages
10,630
I agree with the others. DH and I have been married almost 27 years. He TOLD me we were going to get married, didn''t even ask me. He said I am his best friend and we ARE going to get married and that is that.HA!!!!

I did not get the ring of my dreams either. Maybe for your first anniversary he would be willing to upgrade for you. He picked your ring out with love and that is what matters the most.

Linda
 

louisvgirl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2007
Messages
323
I''m really sorry you feel so disappointed and so sad. I agree with many of the women here. You really need to try and focus on other things and forget the proposal. You just got asked to be someone''s WIFE! That is HUGE! Do you know how many LIW would trade shoes in a heartbeat with you? Having had been one myelf, I would not have cared what he would have proposed with, just the fact that he would have asked me to be his wife, would have made me sooooooo happy. Men just don''t think, and he probably was sooooo excited that the ring was burning a hole in his pocket and he wanted to give it to you, so he did. He probably thought, well we''re going to dinner tonight, so tonight''s the night. He was probably anxious and just wanted to do it.

Picture him BUYING YOU THIS RING. It takes a whole lot for a man to walk into a store and make this grand purchase. Do you know how happy he must have felt buying this for YOU! Especiallybeing a student.

Now he obviously bought you what he was able to afford. Don''t feel sad. I know it''s easier said than done, but perhaps you could upgrade later or have it re-set. He might get upset with an upgrade now, but maybe not with a reset, after all you are still using his diamond! A halo, would look gorgeous with that size diamond. Halos are beautiful! Maybe you can bring that up gently, then in the future, you can upgrade the stone. It''s a DeBeers! Not too many of us, have DeBeers. Do not bring it up now. It''s too soon. Does it fit? Do you need to have it re-sized? Then maybe you can browse through and say "wouldn''t this diamond look wonderful in this?" I''m just trying to help.

Yeah, I agree, you should not have had to pay for the difference of your dinner, and yeah, that would have left a sour tast in my mouth too, but that''s over and done with. HE PROPOSED TO YOU! HE WANTS TO MARRY YOU! HE WANTS YOU TO BE HIS WIFE!

I''m sooooo glad you were able to come here and vent to us and not to him. Please don''t say anything to him now, he''s going to be hurt and resentful towards you and you don''t want that. You don''t want the "your so ungrateful and materialistic" talk. I''m not saying you are, but I totally understand where you''re coming from. That''s the last thing you need after all this.

Focus on how happy you''ll be when you say "I DO" and how beautiful you''ll look..........all of this now.........will look like a thing of the past..........

Post some pictures.......I would love to see your DeBeers!!! Let''s see that baby!
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SeattleSweetheart

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Messages
324
Hey aaaaaaaaa,

I would feel the same way you do if I got proposed to and then had to pick up the tab for dinner. Your guy must have been so nervous that he forgot his wallet?

If you''re wanting help in moving past the negative, you might try to focus on the sweet things he said during the proposal.
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Also, when you show people the ring make sure that you let them know that he is a student and bought you the best he could afford. How could you not be proud of that!

My ex-husband proposed to me with a ring I didn''t pick and I never stopped wishing I had gotten a different ring for my engagement. I wanted a 1/2 ct rb and got a .40 princess. He was very poor when he proposed to me and I do regret that I didn''t value the financial sacrifice he made to buy me the ring he did.

This e-ring you have may not be the ring you want, but the ring is a symbol of your fiance''s love and willingness to sacrifice a large amount of money to try an make you happy. Please don''t take that for granted.

By the way my e-ring had nothing to do with my marriage ending. So don''t worry about this underwhelming proposal as a predictor of the level happiness that you will experience during your engagement and long marriage.

I say give yourself time to grieve the non-perfect proposal. It is totally okay to be sad that it didn''t happen the way you had hoped. Just don''t stay in that disapointment or you will miss all the really cool, fun stuff ahead of you.
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kellybelly

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 30, 2007
Messages
147
oh i am certain that is the case, that he thought he was doing a good job. otherwise he would have take a whole different route. but just like the girls in the Brides forum always talk about how a wedding should be a reflection of the couple and not something "cookie cutter", shouldn''t a proposal be special in the same way?

the proposal is water under the bridge now though. the issue at hand is the ring. if aaaaaaaaaa can settle on being happy with it, at least until an upgrade or setting change is possible, then there really is no issue. BUT if she will always be looking down at her hand thinking "this is so not ME" then something needs to be said.

(aside: i received diamond studs for my birthday last year to replace a pair that i had lost just one of the earrings. the ones i lost were G-H SI2 but the replacements were a really poor quality from Macy''s. i wanted to love them, but my BF could tell that i was not happy, so we returned them and i got a necklace instead. so if aaaaaaaaaaa''s guy is anything like my guy, whether she tells him or not, he will know.)
 

Kayakqueen83

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 6, 2007
Messages
341
Date: 12/14/2007 1:07:16 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 12/14/2007 12:56:14 PM
Author: kellybelly
i can see how you would be upset. it seems the whole thing wasn''t personal to you and your BF at all, and that would upset me too. yes it''s true what other people have said, that what matters is you are marrying the man you love. however, it''s like having a fine steak served to you on a trash can lid (as Cliff Huxtable once said on The Cosby Show)-- many things are all in the presentation. it doesn''t have to be a fancy restaurant or skywriting, but it DOES have to suit you, and that''s what i think the problem is here. the place, the delivery, and the ring were not what you would have wanted if given the choice.
Maybe he thought that''s what she wanted, though? I mean, considering they didn''t have a conversation specifically about it, he might''ve been looking for hints and thought he figured out what she would want without directly asking her, and maybe the complete surprise aspect was very important to him? It''s not realistic to expect him to be able to read minds.
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I agree Gwendolyn. It seems as though the OP never talked to her Fiancé about what she liked in a ring or the fact that she would like to pay for it to get a bigger stone. I think he just assumed that she would like the ring that he picked out; he probably assumed that she knew he wouldn''t be able to afford much. I truly think he wanted to surprise her and because she hadn''t talked about about a ring/engagement with him he just relied on what he thought she would like. At least that what I gathered from the post.
 

HollyS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 18, 2007
Messages
6,105
I''m not even sure I know where to start here; you''re so POd about the whole matter.

First: Yes, it was not an ideal proposal. There are NO IDEAL PROPOSALS. Even the best laid plans have a way of failing. Your FI had been looking forward to going out to a nice place (I don''t know where you live, but $100. would go pretty far toward nice around here!), and relaxing with you over a pleasant dinner. Well, it didn''t go according to plan; and you got a case of the crabbies to boot. It wasn''t the setting he was probably envisioning either. Everyone on LIW and elsewhere need to get over this myth of "the perfect proposal". Life is not a TV show; you are not an actress; you are ordinary and average and Jane Everybody. Really, you are.

Second: No woman, I repeat, NO woman, should ever buy her own engagement ring. This is not an option. This ring is not about what you can afford. It is not about your status in your perceived social circle; it is not about the impression you want to give others. It IS about what he can afford, what he was willing to sacrifice in order to buy it, and how important you are to him. You would emasculate him by buying your own ring; you are saying to him, "you can''t give me what I want; I have to give it to myself." The damage to his self esteem would be off the charts.

You have two choices. And only two choices. You can get over the image of perfection seared into your brain by the wizards of Madison Avenue, and start living a real life; or, you can let yourself get wrapped up in all the nonsense that has NOTHING to do with real love and a great marriage, and be miserable because . . . life ain''t perfect.


I know this sounds really nasty; it is not meant to be ugly for the sake of ugliness. It is meant as a wake-up call. He loves you. If you love him, get over it.
 

krisvrn

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2007
Messages
657
Hello. I will be honest and have a different response as the others. Get over it! I think you are focusing too much on the proposal and the ring. You need to look at how much he loves you and how he gave you a ring while he is still a student. The proposal is one day. Your life together is forever. (hopefully) You are focusing too much on the "little" stuff and not the big picture.

The ring issue- you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade it someday. It sounds like to me you are embarrashed about the ring. (not a good sign) .

Sorry to say this but I think your bf is a good man. He must be very understanding as I perceive you as a difficult person.
 

crowmama

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 20, 2001
Messages
161
As one of the few ladies who actually proposed to the man, I can tell you it is AGONIZING to pick out something, thinking about what he liked, disliked, size, shape, etc. etc. And to have not only NOT the picture perfect proposal, but doing the proposing... well, it is hard. Exciting, scary, and hard. Please don''t overlook the process he went through to ask you to marry him.

And when you get a chance, I''d love to see the ring!
 

rainydaze

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 1, 2007
Messages
3,264
i would love to see pictures too! you said it is beautiful, well that is what PS and SMTR is here for - beautiful rings!

i''m sorry your proposal left you feeling blue rather than elated. here is what i took away from your story: your now-FI does not have much money to his name at this time as he is a student. yet on his own he went out and bought you the best possible ring he could afford (and personally i was quite impressed he got you a .5ct, and a beautiful setting as you described it yourself. i imagine your friends and family would have the same reaction). it does not sound like he skimped, but rather it sounded to me like he may have pushed the envelope to get you what he did. surely that is nothing to balk at? you said he is proud of it - that tells me he put thought, effort and love into it and sees it as a very special offering to you. i could be wrong, but to say something and ask for more (and on top of that suggest you pay for it because his efforts/funds were not enough) may well be a blow to his ego and his heart. too risky, IMO. unless..... if the shape of the diamond is one you really dislike or the design of the setting is far off from your taste, well then i would say you could gently mention to him that you had your heart set on an RB (say he got you a princess) and would he be open to looking into an exchange? certainly i understand wanting to LOVE your ring but if size is the only issue with it, well i''d opt for letting him feel like he''s king of the world and buy yourself another special piece with your money, rather than have a bigger diamond with a very hurt FI. down the road as his situation improves he may be open to an upgrade.

although i can see why proposing at a restaurant where you are using a certificate seems a bit ''handy'' rather than well-thought-out and romantic, i also see what may be the flip side (his side) which could be that he was low on funds before he bought you the ring, and now he''s really low on funds! yet, he was anxious and excited to make you his FI/wife and so he saw an opportunity and siezed it, thinking becoming engaged and presenting the beautiful ring he chose for you were the important parts. i know, it wasn''t romantic, i get it. unfortunately, many men do not get ''romantic'' the way some of us wish they would.

i know it''s not the same as having him think of something more romantic, but could you plan for an evening stroll on your town common, where you might enjoy some wine and cheese in a (hopefully lit) gazebo. you could give him a card expressing your love for him and ask him to slip the ring on your finger - and if he wonders why you''re doing this, explain that the restaurant turned out to be crowded and you just wanted one more memory of your engagement where it was quiet, just the two of you? if you were willing to buy your own ring, why not make your own romantic proposal?
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or just simply mention the restaurant was so busy that it distracted you from really enjoying the moment - and ask him if he would find some quieter way to celebrate and slip the ring on your finger again? he may have felt the same way as you about the restaurant, but he was probably nervous and excited (he had a ring burning a hole in his pocket) and he may have thought ''what better way to cheer her up after her bad day!'' he might be glad for a more romantic do-over too, now that he knows you''ll say yes.

however it all plays out, i do hope that in time you come to peace with your feelings and can enjoy the man you sound very happy to be with!
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dolphingirl22

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 20, 2006
Messages
148
HollyS I couldn''t have said it better myself. Everything is so much about image these days. Everyone wants the perfect proposal and a huge rock. You need to be happy with what you have and that you found someone that wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If you get so upset about the little things now, what happens down the road when he forgets your anniversary? Or doesn''t buy you the perfect Christmas present? In a marriage you can''t let little things like that bother you. Maybe he is planning to upgrade your diamond in a few years after he is out of school, but he wanted to commit to you now and just got what he could afford.
 
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