Do you live with your SO?

[Quinnie]

Hi everyone! I'm a newbie and first of all reading all of your posts has been such a relief (I'm not the only one waiting

) and has really helped with the pre-proposal syndrome.

BUT... one thing I can't shake is living apart from my BF, Brian. We have been together for 3 years. Last year we rented an apartment together and were a VERY happy little family with our dog, Charlie. In August we decided to move back home to our respective parents houses so he could save for a ring and we could both save for wedding things, etc. We thought this was a great, responsible idea. Unfortunately we have both been MISERABLE living @ home and an hour apart from each other. It's really hard adjusting to being under our parents rule, too.

SO... (sorry about the long rant)is anyone else in a similar situation?
Any tips on hope to cope w/ being apart or with the parental issues?
How many of you ladies are fortunate enough to live with your SO?

Thanks in advance!!
-Quinnie

 

[mirre]

I live with my BF however my dad can't know (shhh) lol... My mom knows but I guess my dad is pretty old fashioned. We moved in together after 5 months (I know a lot of the ladies here will say that's too soon) but I was having problems with my second roommate and since we practically lived together anyway we just figured why pay two rents when we can pay one. It's worked out great. (Except that I'm a little messy and hate cleaning and he's... well, opposite. So it drives him nuts most of the time haha).

I'm sorry to hear that you can't live together right now. Maybe that ring will come soon then you can look at moving back in with each other.

ETA: We've been together a little over a year.

 

[MissErin]

First of all...Let me just say...

WELCOME!!

I am a newbie too. hehe

As far as the topic...I am one of VERY few that believe in waiting until marriage to live together. Nowadays the standard has changed and living together is totally normal. I am the abnormal one. hehe

I have always been really "old fashioned" and not the typical girl on this topic.

But... With that being said...

I support whatever you choose. You know you best and yo know if it''s "right" or not. It sounds to me like you have a VERY strong relationship with your SO and you know what works best for you two as a couple.

It will all work ot well - But keep us updated. I am looking forward to getting to know you and your hopeful engagement.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Not only do I live with my SO, I own a house with him (which actually makes all the waiting even harder)!

Since it seems it is just financial boundaries keeping you two apart would it be possible to rent a small apartment/studio that will allow you to live together but still keep ring/wedding costs within your budget? Do you two have any mutual friends who might want to split the cost of a place for a year or two?

 

[Quinnie]

Mirre, your secret is safe with me

!

Glad to hear living with your BF is working out well... and that he likes to clean?! Lucky you, haha!

-Quinnie

 

[gwendolyn]

We live apart. I am living at grad school, and he is living with his parents to save money for next year when I finish grad school and we get a place together. He currently lives a 4-hour train ride away from me (he''s in northern England, and I go to uni in southern England). This is an improvement over the last 3 years, when I''ve been living in the US and he in the UK.

We have a fair number of important things to work through still, which are complicated by the fact that my whole life is in the US and his is in the UK--we still have to figure out where we want to live, where we want to get married, whether he wants to keep the family business (limiting us to his hometown) or if he wants to do something else (opening up other options)... Anyway, I''m in no rush to get married just yet, and want us to live together first in whichever country we decide to live in first.

For this year, I will be spending most of my winter break (3 weeks of it) with his family, and possibly spring break (4 weeks) as well, so it''s sort of like living with his parents....which isn''t the best situation. His parents are nice and all; they''re just...parents...

 

[Quinnie]

MissErin, thanks for the warm welcome! Our relationship is so great we''ve been together for 3 years... pretty good for being so young hehe. I''ll be sure to keep everyone updated and best engagement wishes to you, too.

Keepingthefaith, congrats on owning a house together, how exciting! Renting was terrible for me (I have some horror stories involving a roommate with pet rats, lol) but we met with a realtor this past weekend and looked at some small townhouses that we might be able to afford in a few months

-Quinnie

 

[Octavia]

My BF and I have been together a little over 2 years, and while we don''t technically live together, I pretty much live at his apartment. Since about 6-7 months into our relationship, I spent more time at his place than mine but it gradually shifted and now I only go to my own apartment to check mail and swap out seasonal clothes.

We live far away from our parents, so they don''t really meddle. I''m not sure that my parents are thrilled that I more or less live with him, but they know that I''m old enough to make my own decisions. Plus, they like him...I have a feeling they''d be more vocal about it if they didn''t.

That being said, everyone keeps bugging me about why I keep my own apartment at all. BF and I discussed moving in together a few months ago but I wasn''t quite ready to give up the security of having my own apartment in the event I need/want to use it. I''m pretty sure that I will move in for real when my lease is up, but I''m still on the fence...leaning sharply to one side, admittedly, but I would rather be engaged before we officially share an address. I don''t think that''s coming in the next few months, so I''m either going to have to bite the bullet and move in, or keep throwing money away on a place I barely use, and I''m not 100% happy with either option. Sigh.

 

[mirre]

Keepingthefaith, how long have you and your SO owned a home together? Our lease is up in Jan. and I think we''re leaning toward possibly trying to buy a house instead of renting again.

 

[sred2]

My boyfriend and I actually live with my parents. My boyfriend is from across the country and has no family where we live. It just made more sense to live with my parents for a short time while we''re saving for a downpayment for our condo and a ring. It can be frustrating sometimes but we''re pretty happy.

Would it work if he moved in with you and your parents or you with his? That way you could still save but be together???

 

[sandia_rose]

> SO... (sorry about the long rant) is anyone else in a similar situation?

I've been dating my SO for two years and we live apart. He owns a house and I have a small apartment and we both have kids (he has 2 teenagers and I have a 7 year old). I am at his house several nights a week. He comes over to my apartment occasionally to hang out when his kids and/or my son are not around -- but, we end up going back to his house for a very funny reason. My SO is 6'6" and 310#. I have a queen sized iron bed with a headboard and footboard. The only way he can sleep over my house and sleep in the bed with me is to sleep sideways...and then there is almost no room left for me! He literally does not fit in my bed! It's less of a hassle to just go to his house, where he has a California King with no footboard, than it would be for me to buy a new bed (that would be too big for my current tiny bedroom and would not fit any of my bed linens). I figure that, eventually, my bed can be used as a guest room bed or be given to one of the kids, when we move in together.

> Any tips on hope to cope w/ being apart or with the parental issues?

I don't have any parental issues - my parents are both deceased, his Dad is and his mom is terminally ill and over 80. But I'm older than a lot of ladies on the board - I'm almost 40 and my SO is almost 50....so at our ages, after being previously married and being on our own for a while, anything parents may think would be a non-issue.

There are a couple of things that have kept us from moving in together thus far, and I am frustrated because none are easy fixes:

First, his house was built in the 40s and is a tiny 5 room ranch with a basement. It is barely large enough for him and his 2 kids. He bought it right after he got divorced because he has his own business and needed the tax shelter and a home office for deductions, and an apartment wouldn't qualify. The housing market in my state is really outrageous - it took a long time for the house he and his ex owned to sell and for him to get his pay-out, so he bought what he could afford with what he had on-hand at the time. Which was not a lot after paying the divorce lawyer. He cranks every once in a while about that -- if his ex could afford to buy him out or if his house sold faster, he would have gotten a larger home from the get-go. For me to move in, he would need larger rooms overall and an extra bedroom for my son. The other option would be to do an addition - which is not a quick or cheap fix, either. The house itself is in liveable shape, but it does need some updating. It is small by today's standards, so it probably would not sell quickly if he tried to sell it. So whether we added on or bought something new, it wouldn't happen tomorrow.

Second, my ex's mother has cancer. Before we learned she was sick, he said that he would consider moving to a new town and buying something with me once the summer comes and the kids are out of school and can switch to a new one. BUT, his mother lives only a few streets away from him right now. He is an only child and she has no living relatives - no cousins, siblings, etc. My SO is the one who takes care of her and watches out for her. His mother is adamant that she wants to stay out of hospice or a rest home and wants to pass in her own home or with family. At this point, her doctors have stopped her chemo and have chosen to "keep her comfortable." My SO is facing the possibility that he may need what little room he has in his house right now to take her out of her apartment and bring a hospital bed into his home for her. I adore my SO's mother - she is a lovely woman - so I'm not resentful. If she were my mother, I'd do the same thing. She has, at best, 6 months left. So a double strike against me moving in right now.

The last issue, I hope, does not sound selfish, but it has been enough for me to not bring up the "moving in" discussion recently. My ex's daughter is 13 has psychological and school-related issues. She is in treatment to try to figure out exactly what the problem is. They know for sure that she is ADD/ADHD....and she may possibly be bipolar or psychotic. Her behavior took a turn downwards last year -- which is common with psych issues (puberty and the hormones add to whatever problem may have been there initially). Her doctor and therapist have been experimenting with different approaches - medication, therapy, etc. 80% of the time, she behaves like a normal, although slightly immature, young teen. She acts more like an 8 year old. The other 20%.....tantrums, defiant behavior, blowing up when asked to do homework or when she is questioned about her poor grades, etc. My SO's ex-wife is largely uninvolved and is no help at all - that woman has some heavy issues of her own. She basically doesn't want to be bothered. My SO is doing the best he can with his daughter, and he knows that I fully support him. BUT, I have told my girlfriends - who want to know why, after 2 years, I haven't moved in with him - I want her to be stabilized and responding to treatment before I move in. Because I am not going to delude myself: Her behavior or lack thereof WILL affect my daily life and my son's life if we have to live in the same house with it. As it is now, if she acts up or tantrums, I can always leave and go back to my own apartment. She has the potential to be a great young lady....but I have to be honest with myself. I WILL resent her, and that will affect any relationship we may have, as well as the relationship I have with her father, if I have to deal with the strain of her drama on a daily basis.

With these situations, I am better off waiting another year or however long it takes for them to be resolved. My bringing it up would create more stress on top of the load my SO has to carry. Ditto with getting engaged. On that note, his ex-wife put him through hell for 20 years, and while he tells me he loves me all the time, I do know that he is leery of marriage because of his last experience with it. Moving in is more important to me right now than an engagement; I can tackle that later. These are HIS problems and issues mainly, but he is also doing the best he can right now. They will sort themselves out. People forget sometimes that all relationships get tested, and just because a situation isn't to your liking doesn't mean that you should just trash it and look for something else. I say that because some of my friends have said to me, "Why don't you find a man who has less problems?" The thing is, I love THIS MAN. He is kind, loving, a talented musician, honest, fun, physically gorgeous and interesting. He has his own business, which he built thorough his own hard work. He's responsible with money and doesn't have any deal-breaker things going on (like if he were on drugs, an alcoholic or abusive). The chemistry we have together is amazing. I am not going to write him off because his house is too small, his mother is dying or his daughter is sick. And what would it say about my character if I wrote him off for those? I don't mind waiting for a year or so if waiting means that I eventually will live with him, will marry him and can have 20, 30, 40 or more years together.

When we are apart, we talk on the phone. Usually at lunchtime and at the end of the day, before we go to bed. Sometimes, we'll IM. We always send each other e-mails, if we're together or not. We've done things with the kid as a family, and that really helps the "apart" feeling. If I am just going home to sleep but we spent the major part of days or weekends together, it's pretty darned close to living together.

As to the frustration and how I handle that one....one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from a friend who told me to get counseling after I got divorced. I've never been the "therapy" type before, but it really helped me get perspective, and I kept going. It's really good to have an impartial third party to bounce things off of. We talk a lot about the situation with my ex, my impatience with wanting to get engaged, etc.

Sorry this was so long, but I hope it helped. You're not the only frustrated LIW out there

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Quinnie]

Sred, my BF''s dad invited me to move into their house and my parents invited BF to live with us. That should have provided more options but it just made either option impossible without offending either one of our parents.

Plus, my FMIL is kinda (A LOT) crazy

so living with his parents is not so appealing haha. Thanks for the help, though!

-Quinnie

 

[bee*]

D and I are going out over 8 years and still don''t live together yet. We couldn''t afford to when we were in college and I wanted to wait until we got engaged also. We''re moving in together in a couple of months and I cannot wait!

 

[SeeShell]

I really wish BF and I lived together...or at least in the same area. We have been together for 4+ years, with long distance on and off throughout that whole period, but steadily long distance for the past year. Having him 4 hours away is really painful for me and I miss him dearly very often.

I just moved into a new area so I really don''t have anyone here for me - no friends, no family, so having BF so far away is hard, especially since we are both emotionally ready to live together.

Us finally being together, or at least closer (and ultimately, engagement) depends on what job offers he gets once he begins looking in the spring. I wish he could be here now, but I''m afraid that it may take up to year for him to find something suitable.

The thought of living so far apart for another 12 months tears me up inside...

As for how to cope - communicate often. Talk every single night, and maybe in the morning too! Try to get the same cell phone provider that offers free calls within the network. And, since you are only one hour apart, it shouldn''t be too hard to see each other. Definitely most weekends, and you may be able to squeeze in an evening trip during the week. I know plenty of people who commute 1-1.5 hrs to work every day. Good luck with everything and keep us updated!

 

[blueyes157]

Hmmm, I have a suggestion without knowing too many details of your situation. Since you both miss living with eachother, are miserable at home (not sure the circumstances, maybe it is just because you miss having your own space or eachother) and are trying to save money for a ring.... considering that your parents are OK with you 2 living together since you did it before and the intention of marriage is there.... do either your parents or his parents have a basement you 2 could live together in for free or for minimal rent.

Like I said it may be a wayyyy offfff suggestion, but depending on your parents it may be something to consider!

Oh and to answer your question, my FI and I do live together. Neither parents are thrilled, but they love us and trust that we make good decisions. We didn't officially move in together until October '07, but it basically started back in May '07... after about 8 months of dating. We got engaged 1 month before making it official.

Edit topic: Sorry I just realized sred made the same suggestion!

 

[sunnyd]

mirre if 5 months is too soon then i''m in trouble. my BF and i have been living together since month 2!!

unofficially though until month 6, because he was paying rent at another place but living with me. his friend''s condo became his lovely storage unit.

we''ve been together 10 months, but it''s never ever been a problem like some people think it would be. when we told my mom that he was officially moving in, she said FINALLY!!! His mom said "yeah, it''s about time!" they''re cool like that.

when we first got together, we had both recently moved back to our parents'' houses, so he spent the night a lot.

quinnie, it seems like your parents wouldn''t mind, maybe you guys could plan weekends at each other''s houses? like a getaway of sorts? that sucks going from living together to not living together. but think of the future!! good luck!

 

[samii]

Hi there

My SO and I have lived together since the three month mark - what can I say, we fell head over heels and couldn''t stay apart.

We just gave a young couple that normally live with their respective parents a chance to live together for a few months while we travelled around the US. I works out fantastically for me, as I know the second love of my life (my dog) is being looked after and the house is safe - and they love it because they get to use our house like their own rent free.

Housesitting may be something you and your boyfriend could look into, there are lots of good internet sites with advertisements and if you let it be known that you''re willing to do it, the two of you may be able to live together rent free even if it is only a few weeks, months at a time.

 

[BriBee]

I lived with my FI for 2 years before we got engaged, and there have been pros and cons to the situation.
Pros: With our busy work (and my school) schedules, it would have been difficult to find time to be together so living together was really nice; we got to share the rent and other expenses (cell phone, food etc...) so lots of bills were cut in half; we got pets together

; it was a nice way to see what it was like to live together; we're now living in a house (renting from parents) that we plan to buy within the next year.
Cons: I felt a little rushed about moving in, basically because my mom sort of pushed me out of the family house. FI (then BF) was there all the time and she felt like we should get our own place. I had the choice not to move out, but I did it anyways. I don't regret it, but sometimes I wish we had lived at home a while longer and saved more money. The other con is that we have had to get roommates to afford the house we are in now. It's pretty much HORRIBLE, but it'll be worth it in the end when we can buy the house (and hopefully kick everyone out).

I guess the point to all this is that there are pros and cons to both situations, and each person is different. It may be tough, but in the end I think you'll be really happy you guys were able to save $$$ and start your lives together being financially stable. Money isn't everything, but it is one of the biggest topics for arguments between couples...

 

[BriBee]

Date: 12/11/2007 7:27:49 PM
Author: samii
Hi there

My SO and I have lived together since the three month mark - what can I say, we fell head over heels and couldn''t stay apart.

We just gave a young couple that normally live with their respective parents a chance to live together for a few months while we travelled around the US. I works out fantastically for me, as I know the second love of my life (my dog) is being looked after and the house is safe - and they love it because they get to use our house like their own rent free.

Housesitting may be something you and your boyfriend could look into, there are lots of good internet sites with advertisements and if you let it be known that you''re willing to do it, the two of you may be able to live together rent free even if it is only a few weeks, months at a time.

This is a really neat/unique suggestion that I would have never thought of. You might actually be able to get PAID to live together!!!

 

[MoonWater]

Moved in together a little over 9 months after being together. And here it is, nearly 4 years later. Wow....geez, that''s a long time!!! I never really thought about it before haha. Makes me think we should have gotten engaged ages ago, lol. Well, at least I know how we''ll get along once we''re married.

 

[Izzy03]

When my BF and I were long distance at first, and it sucked. But after time we just got used to it. Maybe it will get easier after time, but you two sound pretty strong so it doesn''t sound like this will hurt your relationship.

My BF asked me to move in after only 3 weeks of dating because I was about to graduate college and had to move somewhere (he owns his home). I declined first of all because I am not THAT crazy to move in with a man I just started seeing, but also because I come from a very old fashioned family so until we are married, shacking up is not an option. I pay about $1100 a month for an apt to keep my family happy, although I practically live with him! This is why I am starting to get impatient for a proposal.

 

[rubybeth]

What a timely topic this is for so many of us...

I understand a lot of what you''re dealing with, Quinnie. My BF and I both live at home with our respective parents, but he spends most of his time at my house and spends the night. I didn''t really think it was a problem with my parents, but we got a speech from my dad a few weeks ago about "living together before you''re married" and about not sharing the same bed. Uhhh... okay, dad, where were you two years ago when we started dating/sharing the same bed when he stayed over? (Yeah, dad is really on the ball.)

Anyway, so, it has basically sucked since we were used to kind of doing our thing, getting our school work done, saving up money, but now I really feel the urge to leave, because, among other things, I feel like I''m being treated like a (nearly 27-year-old) child who can''t make her own decisions. Aaaand, we''ve been talking about getting engaged *much* sooner than we even more recently discussed (first, when he said he was ready, we said by my birthday in April, then maybe sometime in February, and now... maybe sooner?) and I''ve been scoping out apartments in our city. I have been wary of taking out school loans to pay for such a thing, but I''ve done the math and it I''ve saved up a bit of a cushion, so I''m hoping we can agree that I will officially move out, and he will help in whatever way he can and probably spend most of his time with me, only ''officially'' moving in after we''re married (he''s traditional like that).

So, I''d say: save up what you can, make the best of it, but make a plan for getting out of the parents'' nest in a time span you can both agree on. Having a timeline, like say, only another 6 months of living at home, could really help.

 

[Quinnie]

Thanks to everyone for sharing their situations and advice. Also, best wishes to those who are even farther away from their SO''s than I am! I feel for you and admire your commitment.

BTW: I am a full-time college student with a part-time job, and BF is busting his butt at his new job. So... for now it looks we''ll be living for the weekends and praying my parents remain okay about some over-nighters!

Oh, and dreaming of snuggling, cooking dinner together, fighting about who has to take the trash out and all of those other wonderful things I''m missing about domestic life *sigh*!

-Quinnie

 

[jfus]

Quinnie this is a great topic!

FI and I do not live together.. he doesn''t live too far away... so it''s not terrible..

I am still living at home and FI is living in an apartment with 3 other roomate.. We actually bought a home together that will be built next summer before our wedding, but I will not be moving there until AFTER the wedding..

Am I old fashioned?? Ok a little.. most of it is out of respect for my parents... I am 28.. YES I REALLY STILL LIVE AT HOME!!! LOL..there are a couple of reasons I have stayed so long... First.. I used to work in NYC and commuted an hour each way.. It stunk!!! But my dad always said.. stay here save your money and one day you will be able to buy a home..I never really got it..

Then there was a point in my life I was engaged to another guy.. he actually lived an hour away from me.. I don''t think it bothered me as much as it should have.. maybe because he wasn''t the "ONE".. HOw did I deal with the issues of my parents? I just did.. I just knew deep down eventually I would have saved enough to move on.. and not have to pay rent and have nothing to show for it..

So here I am.. engaged... and prior to my engagement FI and I bought a brand spanking new house..NOw I get what my dad was after all those years.. It actually makes sense. Most of my friends are renting.. or married for a few years before they can actually even think about putting money down on a home. Not to mention the other things that are involved with being engaged and planning a wedding... I can honestly say.. yeah it''s going to be a lot of money.. buy I actually feel financially prepared for this.

I am very lucky..I have wonderful parents.... Yes they can be overbearing at times..but I now realize they really wanted me to only have the best and make things easier for me by telling me for so long to stay home. Good thing I listened.

Hang in there.. Maybe you can work soemthing out with your parents.. I"m not sure if there is actually an issue with them.. living at home is a major adjustment from being on your own.. different rules different respect levels etc...but just keep thinking ahead.. you guys have to get through the rough times to get to the great times.. It will happen just rty and be patient!

 

[pinkstars]

My BF and I live together. We''ve been together for over 3 years and moved in together in May/June.
But from the beginning of the relationship I spent A LOT of time at his place and wanted to move in together for the longest time. Then my mom moved away and that seemed like a prime opportunity. But then I got a roommate, had some issues and stayed at his place a lot. Then he had issues with his roommate and stayed at my place a lot, and then finally his roommate asked him to leave and then he was finally ready to move in together.
When I was living with my mom, she didn''t care either way that I was staying at his place or hers. She actually would ask me if I was going "home" to his apartment.
I love living with him, it''s so much better than a roommate, ugh I would hate to go back to that.

 

[justageek]

Octavia, I''m pretty much in the same situation as you. It does feel incredibly wasteful to pay for, basically, a space to store clothes, collect dust, and gather mail... but the conservative part of me says moving in together is not an option before engagement

. It''s odd too because, before I met my bf, I always thought living together before getting engaged was the obvious smart thing to do to make sure you were suitable with each other, and I told myself I''d live with someone a year or more before even considering engagement

 

[Tuesday]

My BF and I have lived together for several years now. We are both divorced, so it just seems a little silly to do the whole "waiting til marriage" bit at this point in the game.

I did, however, tell him that I wasn''t going to buy a house with him until we were married. I did it backwards last time and that was obviously bad luck :p

 

[emeraldlover1]

My BF and I have been together a little over 4 and 1/2 years. We moved in together a week after 4 years so it has been about 6 months now. When we first started dating he was in NYC and I was in Philly for a year and a half. Then I moved to NYC and we both had our own places for years. This year we bought our own place together.

 

[Livinthedream]

My BF and I live together. It started out with him pretty much moved into my old 1 bedroom apt, so we decided to buy a house. Jan will be a year that we''ve been in it! Not exactly as my parents would like it, but that''s another post. They are happy that I''m hapapy so... Anyway- I could never imagine being apart from him after having lived together. I hope you two can find the best solution so that you can be together again. I''m sure it''s torture!

 

[EricaR]

We''ve lived together for two years now. I know that a lot of people don''t believe in living together before marriage (or even engagement), but to be totally honest I don''t think I would have felt right getting engaged and/or married without having lived together first.

People change when they are put together day in and day out. What were little annoyances (why must you leave your shoes in the living room?) suddenly become big because they are in your face constantly. I think the first four or five months of living together were the most stressful of our whole relationship. Don''t get me wrong - it was absolutely wonderful having him there all the time, but also he was there. all. the. time... It took quite a bit of adjustment on both our parts. Just working out who would do the cooking, the shopping, the laundry, pay joint bills, etc took several months.

I know that people do it every day, but I can''t even imagine the stress of planning a wedding immediately followed by trying to adjust living with someone.

I will say though, that coming home to him at the end of the day is the best feeling in the world. I am always greeted by a hug from BF, a meow from one cat, and a snuggle from the other cat. I spend my whole day looking forward to the first five minutes I am home every evening.