deflated

[nytemist]

I do''t know what happened-

Yesterday I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone about random stuff and little bit about this weekend. We are going to NY, which I always love. It''s been a while since I''ve been there and I can''t wait. BF remarks, "oh yes, you''ll have a great time. A good weekend." I say "Really? What''s up your sleeve?" He says "No, not that." Then under his breath, just as I was saying something else, he said "that''s looking to be about springtime." I asked him to repeat what he said and he said no, not now. I got off the phone kind of quickly since I didn''t know what might come out of my mouth at that time.

Now I''m confused and feel myself getting more upset by the hour. I really have no idea if this a great attempt at throwing me off or I really have the right to feel lied to. Of course I can''t ask him to clarify at this point. I promised myself that I would wait until the end of the year to make do on his word and now I''m feeling like that was a line. I don''t even really want to talk to him right now. I have ground to a halt in my thinking that we could have that important conversation soon and now I don''t know. No clue what to do now. A part of me is saying see, you''ve let him waste nearly 5 years of you life. Hard to stay patient when I feel like screaming. What do I do before I start to feel so angry I say I''m done?

 

[ammayernyc]

I''m sorry that he seems to be so wishy washy about the whole thing...

I think that if you''re really going to implode, don''t wait until the end of the year and talk to him about it. But, you may be ruining a surprise. You have to decide which is more important to you.

But, it seems that you''ve given him a deadline... so, I would wait for the deadline and if on January 2, 2006, there''s no ring, then let him have it.

 

[princessv]

I totally understand your frustration. My boyfriend has set several deadlines (this will be the 4th one). If I were you, I''d definitely express your feelings but then like AmandaPanda said you have to consider a potential surprise, or wait till the deadline you set.

But definitely give it some cool down time if you decide to talk to him...I know I''ve let my boyfriend have it a few times after all the passed deadlines that he set.

I hope things get better! But really, if he knew he couldn''t meet the deadline, he should at least tell you that he can''t so you won''t be disappointed.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/10/2005 2:42:59 PM
Author: AmandaPanda
I''m sorry that he seems to be so wishy washy about the whole thing...

I think that if you''re really going to implode, don''t wait until the end of the year and talk to him about it. But, you may be ruining a surprise. You have to decide which is more important to you.

But, it seems that you''ve given him a deadline... so, I would wait for the deadline and if on January 2, 2006, there''s no ring, then let him have it.

I agree, Amanda. Keep with the deadline...you might be pleasantly surprised. But after that deadline passes and Godforbid he hasn''t asked, then talk to him. I have the same deadline, I''m moving back in with my mom to help with bills and save for a wedding....so I really would like to be engaged by the time this happens. Especially since I told my mom that we would be by the time I moved in (and he knows I told her that).

My opinion, although easy to voice to everyone but him, it''s partly their fault for making us get this impatient. It''s not fair for them to keep leaving hints of ''soon'' or ''before the end of the year'' or ''by spring time'' and then change their mind and not tell us that. This is not about him or me (you) it''s about US as a couple and guys are not that stupid to say ''well I didn''t know that you would be going crazy over it''

And I''m guessing, NY, that your SO wants you to be honest with him about your feelings in regards to every aspect of your relationship...he can''t pick and choose what that means...so you shouldn''t feel bad for saying something about your feelings regarding this.

This topic gets me going.

 

[LAJennifer]

Maybe remind him of the deadline that was previously set. If you''ve decided that, if you don''t get a ring and a proposal by the end of the year, then you will infact walk away - remind of that fact and then prepare yourself to actually do it. I''ve never met your BF, but from what I have read, he seems to drag his feet - a lot - and any thoughts that he may trying to throw you off of a surprise he is planning, by saying under his breath it will happen in the spring, is giving him way too much credit, in my opinion. I hope I''m wrong about that. Your story is the one I''ve followed the most on this site, having known a few girlfriends who have gone through the same thing. And what I know about you, is that you deserve way more than that. If you are serious about your end of the year deadline, then he needs to realize just how serious you are. You need to make yourself CRYSTAL CLEAR.

 

[Caribou]

I just want to clairfy that when I say deadline, I mean deadline of how much patience I''ll have before I say ask him what''s up...not a deadline of if I don''t get engaged than I''m walking. I don''t know if that''s what you mean NY or not. Either way you should stick to it.

 

[nytemist]

I''m feeling a bit more calm since I got it out of my system. Thank you guys for keeping me from calling him an reaming him out. I''m trying to process a lot fo factors and it''s just hard. He is the one that set this deadline. I hold onto that... he said on New Years Day that we would be getting engaged this year. Also, back in July we had a bad fight about what we plan on doing for our future together. I can''t move to NY just yet and that''s fine, but when I start working in my new field things will change. Should I start saving money towards a wedding fund or what? He put it off by saying it freaked him out to hear me talk about leaving the state and could we really talk about it after I was done with school. I said fine- I''ll put a lid on the NY thing if you promise to have this conversation before I make any big decisions. Guess what? I''m done with school, in the process of getting my license will maybe buy a condo or something when I get the money together. Things I would like to do. I have no idea where he stands right now and it scares me. Part of me feels that he would be willing to just let the relationship go because he is too afraid to plan a future. I know if I bring it up now, it could get ugly. I know guys are insanely slow at finding their feelings, sorting them out and finally talking. I''m trying to keep my head but I don''t think he realizes hat I heard what he said and it has me very puzzled. I want to have a good time this weekend but unless he does surprise me this weekend, it will be like having an anvil over my head. I want to try and give it a week maybe and calm down. Try to enjoy NY before asking him if he has given any serious though to things yet. One thing I have going for me is that he knows I will not accept some crap excuse. If by New Years Day 2006 the is no proposal, or serious plans on the table, I will leave. He said once before that that is his biggest fear. I told him then- ''well, don''t do anything that would make me leave.'' Plus his mom and his sisters would read him the riot act forever.

I''m trying to steady myself and not jump to conclusions and it''s not easy.

 

[SoonIHope]

I''m so sorry you''re going through this!!

I think I would just bring up the deadline again, not in a threatening way, but just "You remember what we said about the end of the year, right?" I think a lot of guys SAY things like that but don''t realize that their girlfriends are actually fixating on that date as being The Deadline, because they just mean something like "in about a year" rather than by the specific date they say. You two may have discussed this to death, but I still think it''s good to give him a friendly reminder that that is what the date means to you, so he doesn''t start planning something nice for spring having totally forgotten that the end of the year is the deadline. Once you have gotten him to acknowledge (if it were me, I would make him actually repeat the full sentence

) "Yes, I understand that if by New Year''s Day we are not engaged, then the deadline has passed and there is a serious chance that you will leave me for being unable to commit to you", then I think he''ll consider a lot more seriously what that actually means. For example, I told my boyfriend that I would break up with him if he waited longer than our deadline, but I don''t think it ever in a million years occurred to him that I would actually do it - it just seemed like a silly threat to him, to try to rally him to action. Again, I don''t know the dynamics of your relationship obviously, but I do think it''s possible that he just hasn''t fully grasped how serious you are about this. Make sure he is FULLY AWARE of what you plan to do, because then he will HAVE to make a decision, instead of just letting the deadline pass without having gotten anywhere....

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

 

[Caribou]

I''m sorry NY...guys suck

I think you should go forward with your plans on everything...that may knock some sense into him. He may say he''s afraid that you''ll walk away but he may not actually believe it. So if you set your own plans for your own future it may knock him into reality and make him freak ''OMG if she can do this or that and buy this or that, than she doesn''t need me..I better step it up!!''

Also, I think you should set one firm ground rule down...if not engaged by the end of 2006, you''re walking. If you add the ''serious plans for getting engaged'' he may not take you seriously or he could keep saying ''I do have serious plans'' and then another year may end and you''re not engaged.

Haven''t you been together for a long time? I think there comes a point where you need to lay down ultimatiums...although I don''t like them. A friend of mine was with her boyfriend for 12 years (they started dating at a very young age, 14 or 15, and also broke up for about 2 years during that 12 years) she finally laid it down...we either get engaged or I leave, no ifs and no buts. This New Years they will celebrate their 2nd or 3rd wedding anniversary...so sometimes those ultimatiums work. Just stick to your guns.

Good luck NY

 

[MissAva]

Okay Spring starts March 21st. How do you feel about waiting that long? How will that weiat affect the palns and goals you have set for yourself? How will you feel if you are not engaged Jan 2nd? Spring last from the end of March till June, how do you feel about waiting that much longer? Will you alter the path you have set for yourself for him?
Rather then trying ti figure out hat he is thinking, I think you ought to focus on yourself and what control you have over the issue at hand.

 

[anchor31]

Ack, that sucks big time. I would be very pissed off if my SO would give me a deadline and not respect it... To me, your word is your word and a promise is a promise, and the worse things you can do is break it. But since he set a deadline for New Year''s I think you should wait until then and see. A light reminder, like albicocca suggested, is a good idea.

Caribou''s advice, to start doing the things you want to do in the future, is a very good one. It could get him to fear that you don''t need him after all and make him spring into action. I don''t think we should put our lives on hold for anyone. I don''t. I left for school even if it''s 300 miles from my SO and after I''m done I''m still not sure what I''m going to do, but if we''re not engaged by then (God forbid), I''ll go wherever my work takes me. If we are engaged, I''ll settled and start my life with him. Don''t hold yourself back because he hasn''t committed. He''s getting comfortable with the situation of you staying even if he doesn''t. Do want you want to do, and if he wants to be a part of that life you''re building for yourself, he''ll propose.

*hugs* and good luck!

 

[nytemist]

It''s very true that at times guys need a reminder of things. When he asked of his own free will in August/September if I had picked a setting yet, I went to the WF site at his house and showed him the styles I liked, the kind of stone I like, the specs... the works. He says ''I needed to know since it'' only 4 months, I''ve got to get cracking.'' Which suprised me that it was on his mind.

Feb 2 will be our 5th anniversary. What I meant by ''having serious plans made'' was being engaged, already had our long talk, have a date set. It would make more sense to me that he wanted to wait if he couldn''t afford it yet. But he can, that he has made clear. Letting the year end and have nothing happen would mean to me that a) he didn''t mean it b) he said it but in his heart he still doesn''t know c) or he''s trying to keep me around and stall until he is sure. The way I see it, you don''t mention engagement unless you are sure. Otherwise it leads to a lot of needless anxiety, how I am now. If this years ends, nothing happens, but I knew that it would happen 2 weeks later that would be ok. But I don''t know. He wants to get the ''ideal'' ring for me. I have no clue when he going to. Ulimately I would feel lied to. In the end, I have my life to lead and he knows he has to pick his ass off the ground if he wants to be in it.

I''m going to leave work and go to the gym, if ever I needed it it''s now. Hopefully my head will be a little clearer tomorrow.. I can''t thank all of you enough for the help. I''ll update if anything happens tonight.

 

[caligal]

HUGE hugs Ny! Enjoy the gym and might I recommend a nice glass of wine tonight to unwind?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/10/2005 4:58:59 PM
Author: nytemist
The way I see it, you don''t mention engagement unless you are sure. Otherwise it leads to a lot of needless anxiety, how I am now.

But men do it all the time... At least most of the LIW''s SOs have. Mine first mentionned it almost two years ago, and still no ring! And I do feel anxious needlessly from time to time, which sucks.

Date: 11/10/2005 4:58:59 PM
Author: nytemist
In the end, I have my life to lead and he knows he has to pick his ass off the ground if he wants to be in it.

That''s the way to go! We all have our own happiness to consider!

Enjoy the gym and let off some steam. Tell us if anything happens!

 

[nytemist]

I got a call from BF last night. He was concerned since I sounded upset when I got off the phone. As calm as I could I said "you shouldn''t be surprised. I heard as an afterthought that things wouldn''t be happening until springtime. Now when we''re getting close to the end of the year where you said we would be engaged. Are you telling me you don''t want that?" He says he definately does, but there were ''other things'' he has to make sure of first.
Me: "so basically you fed me a line?"
Him: "no, I do want to marry you."
Me: " but obviously not anytime soon."
Him: "that''s not what I meant to say. But no, it wasn''t a line and I didn''t mean to hurt your feelings."
Me: "so you still aren''t sure how you feel about me, or you didn''t think I would take it seriously and you had no intention or doing so? Which reason fits?"
Him: "neither. We''ll talk on our way to NY."

So no real answers yet. Since we will be on a bus where he can''t get away, he will have to tell me what is really going on. Big change coming, just can''t tell if it''s going to be good or bad.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/11/2005 12:44:33 PM
Author: nytemist
He says he definately does, but there were 'other things' he has to make sure of first.

Wonder what the 'other things' he had to make sure of first that he couldn't make sure of the previous 5 years? Guys are so strange.

Well hopefully it'll be a 'good' bus trip.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/11/2005 12:44:33 PM
Author: nytemist
Are you telling me you don''t want that?'' He says he definately does, but there were ''other things'' he has to make sure of first.
Me: ''so basically you fed me a line?''
Him: ''no, I do want to marry you.''
Me: '' but obviously not anytime soon.''

Ugh.

That sounds like someone I know, but at least my dear SO has an excuse. Yours doesn''t, at least from what I know. You''re 13 years older than we are, and after five years of dating... What is there left to make sure of? Is he afraid you''ll grow horns all of a sudden? Men...

I really wish for you to sort everything out on that trip! Keep up posted!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/11/2005 12:44:33 PM
Author: nytemist
I got a call from BF last night. He was concerned since I sounded upset when I got off the phone. As calm as I could I said ''you shouldn''t be surprised. I heard as an afterthought that things wouldn''t be happening until springtime. Now when we''re getting close to the end of the year where you said we would be engaged. Are you telling me you don''t want that?'' He says he definately does, but there were ''other things'' he has to make sure of first.
Me: ''so basically you fed me a line?''
Him: ''no, I do want to marry you.''
Me: '' but obviously not anytime soon.''
Him: ''that''s not what I meant to say. But no, it wasn''t a line and I didn''t mean to hurt your feelings.''
Me: ''so you still aren''t sure how you feel about me, or you didn''t think I would take it seriously and you had no intention or doing so? Which reason fits?''
Him: ''neither. We''ll talk on our way to NY.''

So no real answers yet. Since we will be on a bus where he can''t get away, he will have to tell me what is really going on. Big change coming, just can''t tell if it''s going to be good or bad.

I don''t think you should accept an answer as vague as this, and I don''t think you should guess at his reasons. You should point blank ask him.

You''ve been in a relationship for nearly 5 years. Knowing it was an important discussion, he told you it would happen within this year. If he''s unable to do so, he owes you full disclosure at to *what* those "other things" are, how they are going to be resolved, and when.

He''s had a full year to make sure of any other thing. If he doesn''t know by now, I don''t think he''s going to. I''m so sorry.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 11/11/2005 12:44:33 PM
Author: nytemist
I got a call from BF last night. He was concerned since I sounded upset when I got off the phone. As calm as I could I said ''you shouldn''t be surprised. I heard as an afterthought that things wouldn''t be happening until springtime. Now when we''re getting close to the end of the year where you said we would be engaged. Are you telling me you don''t want that?'' He says he definately does, but there were ''other things'' he has to make sure of first.
Me: ''so basically you fed me a line?''
Him: ''no, I do want to marry you.''
Me: '' but obviously not anytime soon.''
Him: ''that''s not what I meant to say. But no, it wasn''t a line and I didn''t mean to hurt your feelings.''
Me: ''so you still aren''t sure how you feel about me, or you didn''t think I would take it seriously and you had no intention or doing so? Which reason fits?''
Him: ''neither. We''ll talk on our way to NY.''

So no real answers yet. Since we will be on a bus where he can''t get away, he will have to tell me what is really going on. Big change coming, just can''t tell if it''s going to be good or bad.

1) Had better be concerned....marriage is a serious issue and he is being rude by saying things under his breath and then lying by saying "nothing" when you ask

2) What are those other things, how does he intened to resolve them and why hasnt he in the past five years? I am not trying to be harsh but at some point you need to sh*t or get off the pot as they say
3) wanting to marry you at some point does not mean he intended to get engaged by the years end, also how long of an egagment does he expect?
4) He says he did not mean to hurt your feelings but he does not apolgize for doing so and does not explain what those other things are
5) he is putting off answering you, why would he want to discuss something so personal in a public and close setting?
I hope when you get back from the city that you have some positive news and that you have the answers you need. *hugs*

 

[larussel03]

I''ve been antsy about getting engaged and I guess I was bringing it up more than I thought and that''s why my bf was pushing and pushing the deadline...he sat me down yesterday and told me that everytime I get upset about the engagement thing, he gets upset then doesnt want to do it anytime soon bc he feels badly about it. I guess I was being pushy without meaning to, but since 2 of my friends got engaged this week I was kind of upset b/c I feel like it''s not going to happen for us. He said that it''ll come when neither of us are upset about it b/c he doesnt want the proposal to have the history of upset and arguing over it. I really appreciate him telling me that b/c I just thought he was pushing it back because he didnt want to , or because he was not excited about it at all. I''m not saying that you do this, but I''ve now learned from personal experience that when we get upset, they get upset (even though, at least in my case, bf doesnt show alot of emotion, so I didnt know that), and that makes them want to delay proposing so that it didnt happen because of an arguement or a fight or crying or something like that.

Your bf DOES owe an explanation to you though, and not a vague one. If we have a clue as to what''s going on, we dont feel the need to get upset. If he sets a deadline, he should respect it, unless there is some sort of REAL reason that he is unable to (finances, personal problem, etc) but he should share those with you.

 

[MissAva]

I dont think finances should count as he has had FIVE YEARS. And you do not need a ring to get engaged.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 11/12/2005 11:57:06 AM
Author: Matatora
I dont think finances should count as he has had FIVE YEARS. And you do not need a ring to get engaged.

I wholly agree with this! It''s nice to get one, and I really really want one, but he could propose and then go shopping with you for a suitable e ring later, or maybe have a nicer wedding band instead.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/12/2005 12:12:26 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*

Date: 11/12/2005 11:57:06 AM
Author: Matatora
I dont think finances should count as he has had FIVE YEARS. And you do not need a ring to get engaged.

I wholly agree with this! It''s nice to get one, and I really really want one, but he could propose and then go shopping with you for a suitable e ring later, or maybe have a nicer wedding band instead.

That''s what I think too. I''d rather be engaged next summer without an e-ring and have a nicer w-ring two years later than have him putting off the engagement because he doesn''t have money for an e-ring. And I found a ring I adore that costs 495$ on jewelrycentral.com (see my avatar), so it''s not like I''m asking him for a 5K e-ring... So yeah, the finances excuse bugs me.

Nystemist, after five years of dating, I think you deserve a straight answer. He''s grown man, it''s time that he stopped dodging the issue. He has no right to string you along with hope if he has no intention of marrying you anytime soon.

Hang on in there! *hugs*

 

[appletini]

How was your NY trip?

 

[nytemist]

NY was fabulous- as always. I love that city. I WILL live there sometime soon!
I feel better. The reason why we discussed some things on the bus was because one, we can''t avoid each other no matter the question at hand and two the conversation stays very controlled and we can''t start raising our voices. Of course if it''s a more imflammatory topic we keep that at home.

I eased into the conversation by asking if he thought there would be any announcements made by his sisters at the table at his parents house during Thanksgiving. He say ''what, like kids? No. Not unless by accident.'' (his sister who moved away this spring after her wedding will be there) Then he says "I was hoping to have my own announcement but it going to be late." I then asked him to explain why he said what he did and didn''t want to elaborate. He said didn''t want to disappoint me by outright saying the timeline may be pushed back because he started researching and the jeweler apparently is not the easiest person to work with. (BF has stated the stone specs he/I want, the jeweler doesn''t have exactly what we''re looking for but makes others offers and so on) This was the ''other things'' he was referring to- making sure they had a quality stone with an excellent cut to our liking before he went forward with having the ring made. I asked why couldn''t he just say that instead of making such a vague comment that he knew would make me upset? Typical guy answer- he didn''t think I heard him (we know women hear EVERYTHING) and he didn''t think I would be that upset. I looked at him like he was nuts. I''m like, are you kidding me? Later he said yes, he clearly remembers what he said to me. I''m not beating him over the head with it the past 5-6 months and he knows that it has bothered me when I have gone to the 9 nine wedding of friends the past couple of years. Not to mention at any family thing, he sisters and his mom give me that ''look of sympathy''. Then he mentions where might we live. His condo is too small for all of our stuff combined and his two cats. I can''t move to NY yet so I will have to stay in Boston for some amount of time. I said "Well, other things have to happen." He says "OK, you know why I ask where we''re going to live and things like that? Because IT IS going to happen. Why don''t you believe me?" I said because at times your behavior has said the complete opposite. He says "trust me... I know you don''t put up with any bullsh*t. I will state now that 2005 may end a couple of weeks later. But I''m aiming for sooner. How''s that?" I said fine, I''m trusting you and your word. He still wants a an Oct 2006 wedding, so we have to get cracking. It''s possible, my friend planned hers in ten months. Heck another planned hers in 3.

It made the weekend better, having cleared some air. I can''t help that feeling of what if and I hate that it''s the whole deadline situation. I''d feel beter if he didn''t hold onto the ring forever to make some giant production. Like Nike says, JUST DO IT!

BTW anchor- he knows I have horns... they were there when he met me

 

[anchor31]

I''m feeling very relieved for you Nystemist... How we put our thoughts into words is very often very touchy because it could always be interpreted the wrong way, which is what happened in your case when he talked about "other things". I''m glad you''ve talked it through and understand each other now. And it looks like it''s going to be soon! I know, it''s never soon enough, but it''s still more of a girl-soon than a boy-soon...

Date: 11/14/2005 12:25:16 PM
Author: nytemist
BTW anchor- he knows I have horns... they were there when he met me

So do I... And he knows it too!

 

[caligal]

Ny-

I think you brought this up in the best way you could, and I''m glad you both talked! You for sure needed some explanations and I think it is a BIG deal to your guy to have a great stone. YAY! I know after the waiting we start to wonder if it is just an excuse to KEEP us waiting, but I think it is one of the biggest things they do as guys so they want it to be special.

 

[nytemist]

Sorry, it''s been a very busy work day- haven''t been able to post again until now.

I guess, being the cynic I am, a little bit of me is still expecting something not to work out. I know I should be more positive, but sensing his annoyance with the jeweler I wanted to suggest using someone else then. He really wants to use this jeweler since his sister got a good deal on her 3-stone ring and it''s gorgeous. If he gets more aggravated, maybe I can gently steer him towards another(WF!!!!!!). I just have visions of this guy not having a quality stone and BF settling on a piece of crap (since I''m not supposed to be involved), or the jeweler making a sub-standard setting or a whole host of scary things. I know nothing about the place, they don''t have a web site. I''m very tempted to call them and ask a ton of questions. They''re kind of far from me to just drop by, about an hour drive from Boston. I should be starting to feel happy, but instead it''s mild parnoia.

I am happy that things finally really seem to be going somewhere. I just don''t want this year epitomized by something equivalent to a bottom of the barrel diamond.

 

[appletini]

I''m glad y''all were able to have a good talk and communicate. That is really good that he wants you to have a beautiful diamond and not settle for just any diamond. Just think it will be here before you know it.

 

[nytemist]

Yes, communication is definately the key, especially with someone who tends to clam up during a sensitive topic. I don''t like that at all; things left unsaid can be so much more damaging. There is more that we need to discuss, no doubt, but at least I got an explanation. This in no way stops me from going forward. I have to start job hunting in the next couple of weeks, so who knows how crazy my schedule is going to get. I talked to him earlier and I said that I might be going away for a weekend with a girlfriend of mine to Montreal. He pipes up with- "When? Why didn''t you tell me? I can''t go... it''s holiday season and I can''t leave. What if I need some research help that weekend?" It didn''t hit me until about an hour ago that since he has an example of me doing things without him, he now realizes that I am ready to move forward in life and still do things independently. BTW I told him it was fine that he can''t come, I figured he wouldn''t (borderline workaholic and he wouldn''t leave his cats) but that''s ok, she and I will still have a good time.

Mild kick in the butt?