Post by jas » May 14th, 2006, 11:33 am
Has anyone else just had a WEEK this week?  Blech.

I''ve only been here at PS a week and I value a spot to let this all out...

Briefly, been w/ the BF for over a year.  In that time he''s started therapy to deal with his intimacy issues and there has been incredible growth in him and in our relationship.  Even though I was super snoop last weekend (and was caught, you can read my earlier post) things were unbelievable...he was dropping hint bombs like there was no tomorrow.

This has been a tough month for me w/ job unhappiness and surgery earlier this week (I''m fine, just low-energy).  I didn''t really want him aroudn when I was in pain, but I enjoyed talking w/ him on the phone and knew if I needed anything he''d be there.  I was pleased as punch.

Yesterday he opened up and started explaining to me that he felt he hadn''t been there for me emotionally because when I''m down, he tends to explode that into "gee, will she always be like this?  Is this really the woman I want to be with."  Please know this is why he is in therapy and he knows it''s irrational and unfair to me.  He doesn''t expect me to be superwoman but he beats himself up if he feels he is letting me down.  (I never thought he was, this was triggered by him seeing me in physical pain on Monday and then sort of shutting down.)

Ultimately, after talking for 2 hours, a few things came out that put things in perspective for me and him:

1. He was going to propose last weekend (or was, as he said, "ready to make the leap")
2. He''s scared of "failing me" somehow.
3. He''s worried that he catastrophizes everything and is working on that in therapy and wants to know if I am understanding of that.
4. He is working on not detaching from his own emotions (again, something he''s working on in therapy) so that he can ride the emotional rollercoaster with me or let me ride with someone else.

That last one hurt, although I think he was sort of testing my reaction to that last one.


What was also odd was that he kept saying, "I was all there in the last few weeks, thinking about rings, about the ceremony, about what I would say to you..."

I said, "Do you think about the marriage?"

He said he did, and that all he thinks about is that he''s worried he''s going to fail somehow.

Then he quietly asked me what I think about when I think about marriage to him.

I said something to the effect that marriage to him would be daily small negotiations, two people leading healthy and independent and interdependent lives so that we could come home at night and bring a lot back to the relationship.  And it would be me dancing around to bad 70s music with a towel around my head after getting out of the shower.  Cuz I do that.  Don''t ask.

He started to cry and said that that was beautiful.  He said it sounded so easy.  I said it''s NOT easy, but it''s doable, and if we both want it and understand there is work involved, the joy will follow.

We''ve had a few "heavy" conversations like this before, and they always tend to be speed bumps before we hit the next level.  He was so happy and relieved after we talked, as was I.  He also was saying throughout that his timing is crappy and that the struggle with him is always that he knows logically that these feelings are irrational, but he''s working through them.

Right now, on the one hand, I am happy because he is talking with me about this, and past history has shown we always soar after these talks.  He has needed to see that my love is unconditional...that there are times when I may not like him but that I still love him and know he doesn''t say these things to hurt me but so that we can grow beyond them.

On the other hand, I just feel kind of scared, like he''s taken things off the table, you know?  I don''t worry the relationship is over.  Instead, I feel it is stronger than ever because I could say I was hurt by his timing and hurt by his issues but that I appreciated him talking with me and knew his anguish was because he doesn''t want to feel this way but he does and he''ll work through it as he always has.

I guess I need some detached opinions from those of you who''ve been through this sort of thing, or at least who can read this...

He is a wonderful man who I know is a magnificent partner to me and for whom I am a maginificent partner.  He has these lows every 3 months (and more infrequently and less low than before)...do you think that this was sort of a "cold feet" because he was so close to proposing?  It''s selfish and silly for me to even wonder...because ultimately we''re closer and stronger and oddly happier than ever because we are safe together in our most vulnerable moments.

For those of you who''ve "been there, done that" -- he didn''t use this to pull away from me, he seemed to use this to get closer, if that makes sense.  Am I reading this wrong or is he getting closer?  I know there are a lot of issues involved, and the therapist has told him he is ready to make "the leap" when he feels the time is right.

Thanks -- I hope this isn''t rambling nonsense!

Jas