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rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
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Dec 2, 2005
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2,105
Blah....sorry to dump on you guys, but I am trying mightily NOT to dump on the boyfriend since this isn''t his fault...


Being a guy who is obsessed with a) surprising me and b) keeping his deadlines at all costs, he decided in december to give me an offical "year and a half" deadline for finishing the ring and proposing.

OK, cool...I helped him figure out what I liked, we looked at a ton of stuff..and then, to my surprise, he went and dropped way more $$ than I was expecting on a stone and starts hinting that of course he isn''t *actually* going to wait a year and a half but it is very important that he surprise me.

Then he told his parents, who have a history of not liking me, that we were getting married.

So now I''m thinking March, April, he''s probably going to propose (espically since his granparents 60th wedding anniversary in in March and we are going down to Florida to see them...I haven''t breathed a word of this to him but it would be so romantic to me if he did it then esp. since we both come from divored parents)

Then one of his parents suddenly refused to pay the tuition they promised him from last semester (it''s a long story, I''ll leave it at saying one of the parents is a rich a**hole who suddenly decided that my FI didn''t deserve the money bc he canceled a dinner with this parent. He didn''t give him his holiday presents either, and refused to pay another siblings tuition for this semester. All bc of this canceled dinner. Nice guy.)

He saves a lot and is good w/money so he will be fine, but is having to sell off most of his investments and savings to cover this expense. I feel awful for being disappointed, but I still AM. We have this stone sitting in a drawer now, and I have no idea what country I will be in next year and I had hoped to be engaged for our gap year after college so that we would have some "engaged" time after 8 years of dating so that we wouldn''t be jumping right into planning a wedding when I get home from abroad or done with year 1 of grad school...


So now it looks like all bets are off and I may not engaged until next June--and we may spend our 9th year of dating in different countries. He hasn''t said anything and insists he is fine on money for the ring--but being him, he won''t comment on the "year and a half" deadline and whether or not it has changed due to these new circumstances.


I can''t decide if I should hope for March, or just resign myself to the worst and then be surprised if it is sooner...thoughts?
 

snuga

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2005
Messages
735
*HUGS* I am so sorry to hear this!! MONEY SUCKS!!! If only our boyfriends didn''t have financial constraints...

In many ways, I am in a similar situation.. I don''t mean to hijack the thread and turn it into "kalispera''s problems", but my boyfriend and I can''t get engaged because his parents will not help him with school either, yet they feel it is perfectly fine to buy his sister extravagent gifts and give away money they promised to him for school to buy her a brand new dining room set.. I''m over it... so now he has to work two jobs, is a full time student, has to pay rent/bills/car/insurance, etc. and is trying to save up for my ring.. so I can understand the frustration and sadness you are going through... I hope that things look up. Maybe he could get a temporary ring to set the diamond in.. 0r a really simple setting until things get back on track. Many settings can cost roughly $100, which might be do-able???

I hope that things get better, and remember that we are always here to listen and lend a sympathetic ear!! Cheer up!!
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 2, 2005
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2,105
Well, I wouldn''t mind the inexp. setting, but the bf. views proposing as something he should do when he considers himself totally independant from his parents, and he wants to get the "nice" setting regardless of the fact that I would rather just be engaged (he''s chemistry geek and raves about the qualities of plat.)

It''s a nat''l sapphire, btw, not a diamond.


Re your situation:


Why do they buy his sister all of these things and not help your bf with his education? That sounds very strange! I can''t imagine having to work 2 jobs and do school---I barely manage my ONE job. He sounds like a responsible guy.
 

Rhapsody

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 23, 2005
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391
Oh hon, I''m sorry that your engagement might be pushed back again. My boyfriend has been the same way about wanting to not buy anything he percieves as cheap or temporary. He wanted the ring to be the dream ring while I was just anxious to be engaged. I didn''t have a huge problem waiting because it wasn''t delaying any of our other life plans, but since you''re going to be out of the country for a while maybe you should sit down and explain to him how much it means to you to be engaged before you leave. Maybe he just doesn''t know it''s a big deal to you. I know my boyfriend didn''t feel like being "engaged" was any different than dating, and figured I didn''t care either.

I hope things work out well for you.
 

ladykemma

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2006
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2,194
read this in a texas twang.

why wait? you're both ready.
hunney, all you need to get engaged is a proposal and "that there {sapphire}diamond" in a plain setting. done!

it's time for your boyfriend to separate himself financially and spiritually from the parents. He'll be OK and so will you. Try not to complicate matters.

in the bible it says that a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife, good advice huh?

in other words (inside his head) tell the parents to go f*&k themselves. they'll get over it. part of becoming adult.

edited to change "diamond" to "sapphire"
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 2, 2005
Messages
2,105
Well, given as we do want to maintain a decent relationship with one of them in the future, just cutting her off is not the best solution in the world. His mother is actually warming up to me quite a bit and has no problem with us being engaged--and as for his father, the one that screwed with the money...well, they''ll work that out or they won''t. But when you''re a senior at a rather expensive college and trying to get the grades to get into med school, and already working two jobs, utterly seperating oneself from all parental help isn''t the best solution. He''s pretty much cut the apron strings with them already, anyway.


A slight update: I sat down and talked to him a bit about it, and he got a pained look on his face and said "Look, the money will be fine. I''m just trying to surprise you by giving you a big time span so that you won''t guess when...if I don''t surprise you with this I get a loooong time to regret it." Which I take to mean he''s bluffing about next June, and since I basically told him I will not be happy with waiting that long, I imagine he''ll do it sometime this semester. We''ll see what he does with the setting.
 

cpster

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 1, 2005
Messages
540
I know waiting is hard, but try to give your BF some space. It sounds like he really has it set in his mind that he''s going to surprise you. I bet he''s planning out the proposal right now.
emsmile.gif
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
I agree, give the boy some space! sounds like he knows what he wants to do and does not want you to worry, controlling things will ruin the surprise....and it's fun to be surprised!

Sucks about the parents but bottom line is that he should be able to do things on his own without the parents if he wants to get engaged and start a new life, I totally agree about that.That includes being on his own and independent so I do agree with his line of thinking on that one. Could be that the parents refusing to pay his tuition will be a blessing in the long-run on helping him establish his mental independence based on this event.

Oh and you did agree to 1.5 years so even if it does not happen in March/April, don't be disappointed, he has alot of time left!! Be patient.
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 2, 2005
Messages
2,105
I''m going to have to agree with you Mara..one of my new ys resolutions is to talk about it as little as possible! I was doing great until the money thing came up and I was worried about our bills in addition to the proposal (we live together).

Re: independance--I think it is an important issue as well, I just don''t want to pressure him into getting engaged when he still feels he is being supported by them, true or not. I think it is hard for me to understand his point of view since I am on a lot of scholarship money, loans and grants--my parents have barely paid anything for my tuition so I have been legally "independant" for some time...whereas his parents chip in the full Ivy tuition bill.

On the other hand, I don''t necessarily feel that it is necessary to be mostly or totally financially independant to be engaged as long as the parents have been spoken to about the issue, which ours have. There are plenty of in-school PS-ers whom I doubt completely pay their own way! (feel free to correct me guys) However, I do feel one should be when married.


Well, the moral of the story is that I shall attempt mightily not to fuss about it!
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
It's true, some PS'ers here are young enough to be in school! I was out and on my own for a long time before getting engaged and it would have felt weird to be living with my parents or having my parents pay for my apartment or my schooling or something and at the same time planning a whole new life with my husband-to-be. But then again I was older then and actually for me personally it was important that I be out and entirely on my own for a while before settling down. That was just my mental timetable, I know it's different for others. I did not get engaged til 29, so I had plenty of time to be independent and feel like I was mentally ready to become an 'adult'...or a psuedo one anyway.
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I can see though how a guy especially would want that mental independence before starting a new life, guys definitely think that way more than most women I think.
 

MissAva

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
8,230
Oh Rainbow Trout that is a rough one, I went through the same thing. It always amaze me who people just say it is 38 a year, like it is dollars and not thousands of dollars.
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My BF has worked and gotten scholarships and had to deal with those sorts of issues since his second trimester in collage. It was hard for him I know, and he used his internships to pay back his student loans, before buying my ring. Just remember that you love each other, you have the rest of your lives to look forward to.

And I agree with Mara on this. My grandfather gave me some wonderful advice about when a lady is ready to be married “Dont get married unless you can look him in the eye and say go f*** yourself.” His language is a little harsh after being a fighter pilot for so long but he was right on. Until you can stand on your own two feet financially then you are not really ready. This goes for men or women. IMO anyway.

The two of you will get there, and it sounds like pretty much on time, try not to let his father acting like a prat ruin this special time.
 

rainbowtrout

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 2, 2005
Messages
2,105
Wow, my grandfather was a fighter pilot as well! Goodness. I''d have to agree with him,though--one of the big tests for me in whether or not I was seriously going to marry him was if he could stand up to his parents once and for all about being in a serious relationship with me (both the me not being Jewish thing and the them not liking me thing were a point of contention here). He did, and that was a pretty big milestone for me.

Re: money issues/indep-- yes, we are pretty much there already in fact and will be symbolically when he graduates in May...as for my loans--well, the gov''t doesn''t want their money until after my PhD, and I''m not waiting quiiiite that long :) We''ve been together eight years already, my "dating" cutoff point is about a decade I think!
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To clarify, we''re pretty set on a two-year engagement, possibly three, so my ideas about being close to totally independant when engaged and totally so when married come from that long time gap, which I know is longer than most people''s...but we didn''t want to get married until we were decently settled and making a bit of money,etc. At the same time, we both felt the time was getting on towards being engaged, esp. after living with each other for a year.


You know it''s odd, I never thought of myself as very traditionally moral, but after living with him for almost a year I honestly think I would be a little uncomfortable doing so much longer without the whole ring thing...it''s wierd, I don''t know why.
 
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