Boyfriend thinks we''re too young for marriage

[swimmer]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM
Author: lexychoo
What other milestone is there except to get married?

You sound like a sweetie lexy, you have gotten some great advice here, I just was struck by that one sentence of yours and yes, I got engaged at 30 and am thrilled that I had the last decade to roam the world, kiss Australians, collect degrees, help people to help themselves, and personally learn how to be resilient. Those memories and experiences are priceless and I treasure them. But since you have already met your one true love, how about some new milestones, here are some suggestions, I''m sure you can set your own.

Go to africa/europe/australia, wherever you aren''t now and have yet to go
Save a life (or at least learn how to do something more than CPR)
Make an informed investment and follow it
Earn your first advanced degree
Donate 1,000 hours of your time to a cause you believe in
Teach someone to read
Run a marathon (or a .5)
Learn another language
Read for the blind
Teach a Sunday School class
Learn a new sport/activity (scuba? yoga?)
Tutor at your public school/library
Learn to play chess, bridge, or mah jong
Teach a skill of yours to kids or the elderly
Do a triathalon (raise money for a good cause doing so)

Committing to and completing these by yourself will strengthen you as a person, doing them with your BF will also strengthen your relationship. Make new milestones so you aren''t just festering waiting for someone to give you your next one.

 

[iheartscience]

Okay I'm going to sound like a Negative Nelly, but I think you should break up with him. You're ready to get married NOW. Can you really, truly picture yourself waiting 8 MORE YEARS to get married to your boyfriend?

Whether you're too young to get married or not, if you are truly ready to be married, waiting 8 years to get something you want now will not do good things to you or your relationship. Plus I think your boyfriend's arbitrary age limit of 30 is his way of saying he may never be ready to marry you.

I also ditto the great advice you've gotten from Deco and swimmer. No matter what your relationship status is, there is still plenty of growing and learning to do at age 22.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 5/2/2009 2:16:34 PM
Author: thing2of2
Okay I''m going to sound like a Negative Nelly, but I think you should break up with him. You''re ready to get married NOW. Can you really, truly picture yourself waiting 8 MORE YEARS to get married to your boyfriend?

Plus I think your boyfriend''s arbitrary age limit of 30 is his way of saying he may never be ready to marry you.

I agree with ''Nelly'' up there.

If you feel so ready to get married now, waiting a full 8 years (if it even happens then) will likely be very difficult, and cause you terrible sadness and frustration.

There''s also a difference between a boyfriend saying, "I''m not quite ready to get married yet," and him telling you to wait 8 years. That, to me, indicates that he doesn''t even want to think about marriage any time soon. It seems like he''s looking for a way to put the thought of marriage to him out of your mind.
And of course I say this all without knowing your whole situation/relationship, so I could be very wrong.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think we have two people here that aren''t very good at expressing their true thoughts and motives.

I think Lexy says she wants to get married now because she wants to have kids before she''s "old" (old being 30

).
BF hears: OMG she wants to get married and have kids right away.

So BF says he wants to wait to get married until he''s 30.

I think Lexy really means : I want to get engaged soon. I want to get married in a few years. I want to have children before I''m 30 if possible.

BF might think that was a little more realistic? Maybe engagement at 23, marriage at 25, thinking about starting a family at 29?

 

[suchende]

I was going to post something very similar, purrfectpear!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I don''t think age has much to do with a successful marriage, I think maturity and commitment do. I was mature enough to marry at 21 and so was my husband, and we''re still together after 30 years as are most of our friends and family.

Your bf may change his mind in a year or next month for that matter. But at some point, I''d make it clear that I wouldn''t wait for 8 years to marry the one I loved, because if he wanted to postpone a commitment for that long, he probably didn''t love me enough.

 

[suchende]

I got engaged at 22. I will admit: I was feeling insecure, anxious, worried I would not make it in the post-college "real world," worried that I was wasting my youth on someone who would not marry me, etc. ... so, I pressured my boyfriend into proposing. He was not really ready, but he wanted me to be happy. In the end, he felt trapped and overwhelmed and cheated on me, and we broke up. I will admit that our motives weren''t the best and that was probably the cause of our undoing.

 

[DearBuddha]

Ok, this is going to be long, and some of it may sound harsh, but bear with me....

My husband I started dating in high school; I was 16 and he was 17. When we got married, we were 25 and 26. I still think sometimes getting married at 25 sounds a bit young, but we felt emotionally (and financially) ready to discuss the next step in our lives. And considering how long we''ve been together, it was only natural to progress to marriage.

We never discussed marriage in college, or even the first two years out of college. I refused to get married before 25 (even though the wedding bug started to kick in around 24), because most of the women in my family were married before they were 20 and the marriages were not good or successful. If I had married prior to 25, I really and truly think my marriage would have been much, MUCH different. Bottom line, you are a very different person from the ages of 18 to 20, 22 to 25.

You might be ready to get married, but clearly your BF isn''t. There''s nothing wrong with that, either (minus your impatience, which could potentially damage your relationship if it lingers and develops into resentment). You''re 22 - you have plenty of time to think about getting married later. You need to focus on enjoying where you are in your life right now, instead of worrying about whether or not you''re going to get engaged.

Also, are you both financially able to plan and save for and hold a wedding? Don''t rush into a wedding just because you want to get married. You''ll be disappointed down the road when you realize you sacrificed your dream wedding for something more immediate. Being anxious and impatient is only going to frustrate you.

As for having kids at 30, that''s totally my time frame for children. My husband and I are both interested in pursuing higher degrees, traveling the world, and buying a house, and if we have kids now (when we''re still "young"), there''s no way we''ll ever be able to do those things. Being a young mother isn''t worth it to me to give those dreams up. Also, do you feel emotionally ready to have children now? Being a young mother isn''t glamorous or easy; my sister had her first child at 19, and it was rough for years (she still hasn''t finished her Master''s because she has no free time, and my nephew and niece are 16 and 12 now). I''m a teacher, and I am 100% confident in my position that I am in no way ready to be a mother. Just because you like children doesn''t mean you''re going to be a fantastic mother right from the get-go, and it''s an even tougher job when you''re young.

You mentioned that the women in your family married young, so I naturally assume they would support you in getting married now. But what about your BF''s family? What are they like? Would they support your decision to marry now, even if your BF said he was ready (which he hasn''t, mind you). You have to think beyond your own readiness and consider whether or not HE and HIS family are ready for such an change in their lives. A wedding effects more than just the two people getting married.

I wish you well and happiness in your relationship, but it''s very important that you do not press the marriage issue. If you know he''s the love of your life and "the one", what does it matter when you get married so long as the two of you are together? You began by saying you feel married already, so just enjoy that for now. That should be enough.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/3/2009 11:22:49 AM
Author: DearBuddha


As for having kids at 30, that''s totally my time frame for children. My husband and I are both interested in pursuing higher degrees, traveling the world, and buying a house, and if we have kids now (when we''re still ''young''), there''s no way we''ll ever be able to do those things. Being a young mother isn''t worth it to me to give those dreams up. Also, do you feel emotionally ready to have children now? Being a young mother isn''t glamorous or easy; my sister had her first child at 19, and it was rough for years (she still hasn''t finished her Master''s because she has no free time, and my nephew and niece are 16 and 12 now). I''m a teacher, and I am 100% confident in my position that I am in no way ready to be a mother. Just because you like children doesn''t mean you''re going to be a fantastic mother right from the get-go, and it''s an even tougher job when you''re young.

IMO...it would be even tougher when you are old. i can''t imagine me chasing a 7 yr old kid around when i''am in my late 40''s or early 50''s.

 

[mariewest]

As someone who is also 22 years old and ready to get engaged, that I understand where you are coming from. Like someone else had said though, he is not ready to get married. If he was then he wouldn''t be trying to put an age on marriage. So I wouldn''t be hoping for him to pop the question any time soon. I''m not trying to be mean, but just realistic. I''m sure he loves you, etc. but guys are different when they are in their early twenties and their mind''s are not set on settling down and raising a family. I don''t think it''s stupid to get married young, but it does make marriage a lot more difficult because of some obstacles you might face. The most advice I can give you is to really sit down with your SO and discuss this. Don''t try to convince him to marry young if he is telling you he doesn''t want to. Part of communication is to listen. Like I said before, he probably isn''t secretly shopping for something sparkerly. Hang in there.

Like I said I know how you feel. I''m waiting for my right and my guy wants to be more finanically secure, understandable of course, but to what extent? Neither of us will be making $60,000 a year anytime soon (probably never.) You just have to trust that if things are meant to be then they will happen, and in their own time.

 

[joelly]

Lexy, I really admire you for feeling so ready for marriage that early in life. When I was 22, all I want is a career and I will not stop for anything. I didn''t think much about marriage and children as I was a child myself.

My BF (lets call him "E") at the time is soooo ready to be married to me, he did propose and I said no. I want him to wait for me but he won''t so we broke up. I felt so empty and broken hearted and felt like I want the earth to swallow me. With all the heartache I put myself through, still the thought of being married is same as being imprisoned, I want to puke at the thought of it. I asked him to come back to me and he said he will think about it. I waited for him even when I decided to leave the country, I promise myself that I will come back to ask for his hand in marriage.

At 23, I flew here to the US to get a master degree. Graduated with master at 26. I came to Los Angeles to start my career. At 29, I met another guy (lets call him "J"). He was 33 when I met him. He told me he is not ready for marriage and I clapped my hands cause I was not ready either. It felt soooo good to finally meet someone that actually in the same mind level with me. I focused myself at work plus part-time study for my CPA exam. Finally pass the CPA exam at 30.

J proposed to me this year, I am 32 and he is 36. Will we be too old to have children? Yes, we will. But boy oh boy I am just so happy that I finally met someone who understands me. Not all the time of course but most of that time anyway.

I went back to my country with the engagement news and accidentally met with E in a mall. We hugged and he wish me well. I am so happy it didn''t work out for us back then. Otherwise, I will miss out on this great journey I am in now.

Enjoy the climb, Lexy!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 5/29/2009 8:03:32 PM
Author: joelly
Lexy, I really admire you for feeling so ready for marriage that early in life. When I was 22, all I want is a career and I will not stop for anything. I didn''t think much about marriage and children as I was a child myself.

My BF (lets call him ''E'') at the time is soooo ready to be married to me, he did propose and I said no. I want him to wait for me but he won''t so we broke up. I felt so empty and broken hearted and felt like I want the earth to swallow me. With all the heartache I put myself through, still the thought of being married is same as being imprisoned, I want to puke at the thought of it. I asked him to come back to me and he said he will think about it. I waited for him even when I decided to leave the country, I promise myself that I will come back to ask for his hand in marriage.

At 23, I flew here to the US to get a master degree. Graduated with master at 26. I came to Los Angeles to start my career. At 29, I met another guy (lets call him ''J''). He was 33 when I met him. He told me he is not ready for marriage and I clapped my hands cause I was not ready either. It felt soooo good to finally meet someone that actually in the same mind level with me. I focused myself at work plus part-time study for my CPA exam. Finally pass the CPA exam at 30.

J proposed to me this year, I am 32 and he is 36. Will we be too old to have children? Yes, we will. But boy oh boy I am just so happy that I finally met someone who understands me. Not all the time of course but most of that time anyway.

I went back to my country with the engagement news and accidentally met with E in a mall. We hugged and he wish me well. I am so happy it didn''t work out for us back then. Otherwise, I will miss out on this great journey I am in now.

Enjoy the climb, Lexy!

You most certainly will not be too old to have children unless you''re planning a 10 yr. engagement! Plenty of people have babies in their late 30''s! My sister had her first and only baby at age 40!

 

[Londongirl1]

I think some very good advice has been generated from this post.

It's just a shame that women are so good at giving great advice but also good at ignoring it.

 

[blueroses]

Date: 5/29/2009 8:32:03 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 5/29/2009 8:03:32 PM
Author: joelly
Lexy, I really admire you for feeling so ready for marriage that early in life. When I was 22, all I want is a career and I will not stop for anything. I didn't think much about marriage and children as I was a child myself.

My BF (lets call him 'E') at the time is soooo ready to be married to me, he did propose and I said no. I want him to wait for me but he won't so we broke up. I felt so empty and broken hearted and felt like I want the earth to swallow me. With all the heartache I put myself through, still the thought of being married is same as being imprisoned, I want to puke at the thought of it. I asked him to come back to me and he said he will think about it. I waited for him even when I decided to leave the country, I promise myself that I will come back to ask for his hand in marriage.

At 23, I flew here to the US to get a master degree. Graduated with master at 26. I came to Los Angeles to start my career. At 29, I met another guy (lets call him 'J'). He was 33 when I met him. He told me he is not ready for marriage and I clapped my hands cause I was not ready either. It felt soooo good to finally meet someone that actually in the same mind level with me. I focused myself at work plus part-time study for my CPA exam. Finally pass the CPA exam at 30.

J proposed to me this year, I am 32 and he is 36. Will we be too old to have children? Yes, we will. But boy oh boy I am just so happy that I finally met someone who understands me. Not all the time of course but most of that time anyway.

I went back to my country with the engagement news and accidentally met with E in a mall. We hugged and he wish me well. I am so happy it didn't work out for us back then. Otherwise, I will miss out on this great journey I am in now.

Enjoy the climb, Lexy!

You most certainly will not be too old to have children unless you're planning a 10 yr. engagement! Plenty of people have babies in their late 30's! My sister had her first and only baby at age 40!

I have a similar story to Joelly's, which many on PS know. I met my ex-bf/fi at 22. I always thought it was an issue of readiness: right guy/wrong time....and I waited. We were together TEN YEARS. He finally proposed. And then (REALLY finally) I broke up with him a pretty short time later. The wait and the desire to make the relationship what it wasn't literally blinded me into denial and rationalization. Now, 2 1/2 years after our break-up, I am TOTALLY in love, we just had our custom e-ring cast, and we will be engaged sometime this summer.

(And I will be marrying next year at close to 36. He'll be 30. And damn right we won't be too old for kids!) ETA: God Willing. My Mom had me at 30 and two of my great-grandmothers had kids in their mid-forties, so I'm not worried until I need to be worried.)


Anyway. All of this is neither here nor there if it doesn't apply to you. But if you really feel ready and he really doesn't, I can tell you from way too much experience that NO amount of wishing it will make him ready. And it can be a long and painful wait. Stay focused on what you want. It may not actually be him--be really brutally honest with yourself about what you need and what you're ready to sacrifice.

HANG IN THERE!!

 

[joelly]

Date: 5/29/2009 8:32:03 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

You most certainly will not be too old to have children unless you''re planning a 10 yr. engagement! Plenty of people have babies in their late 30''s! My sister had her first and only baby at age 40!

Diamondseeker....this is definitely a song to my ear.....Congrats to your sis!!! My mother sometimes scares me that I will be too old to have a baby, but I am just never ready for such commitment before. I can''t believe that we (FI and I) have already talking about it now. I am still amaze by this progress. We will have to be married first, FI said. All in good times!!

Thanks for making my day, Diamondseeker!!!

 

[joelly]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:27:05 PM
Author:lexychoo
It seems like I''ve been waiting to get married for years. I always wanted to get married young because that''s how my parents got married, as well as most people in my family. I just think having kids at 30 seems so old. But my boyfriend, even though we''ve been dating for three years (I''m 22, by the way), tells me he loves me but wants to wait until we''re 30. I think it''s stupid to put a date on marriage. If we''re both ready, I think we should just do it now. But he says I''m way to caught up on getting married young, but I disagree. Yes, I would like to marry young, but I already found the love of my life, so...why should I wait? It''s so frustrating! Part of me (the part that''s in extreme denial) thinks he''s secretly shopping for an engagement ring for me and will surprise me. But I know what the reality is. Do any of you think it''s stupid to get married young? I''m still waiting and hoping he''ll pop the question.

Hi Lexy,
Someone very famous once said, all good things come to those who wait, if they work their a** off while they are waiting. Sounds to me that he adores you. So, now you need to get out there to find yourself while you are waiting for him.
You can do a lot of things, trust me "self discovery" is so much fun

.
Good luck girl!!!

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/29/2009 8:38:31 PM
Author: Londongirl1
I think some very good advice has been generated from this post.

It''s just a shame that women are so good at giving great advice but also good at ignoring it.

I must agree with you Londongirl!

I once received this advice and use it all the time and encourage my friends to do it too:

When you have a problem or "situation", write down/tape record your dilemma, including everything you are feeling: all thoughts, possibilities, caveats, ideas, etc. Then read/playback everything you have just gone over, while imagining that your best friend is telling you this story. What would you tell her?

 

[rhbgirl24]

I know how you feel. My fiance and I have been together 12+ years - since I was 16 and he was 17. It took him 11 years to propose, so I was 27 when he proposed. I always wanted to get married in my early 20s, maybe mid 20s, but he did not. I can say though, even through some heartache, its been worth the wait completely.

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM
Author: lexychoo
I graduated last year, I got my first real job earlier this year. Besides the economy being a little out of whack, I don''t see any reason to wait. What other milestone is there except to get married? But then again, my boyfriend is getting his master''s, so he probably wants to wait until he''s through with that.

something my guy said once might be what yours is thinking: he wants to wait til he feels that he could financially support me (although i did point out to him that the level of financial security he wanted to have was kinda unrealistic and we''d be getting married when we retired). i bet he won''t feel that he''s ready for marriage til he''s fully entered the "adult" world, no longer worrying about school but finally in a career and ready for all those things that would be major distractions while working towards a degree.

in the mean time (after you two talk some and make sure you two know each other''s full reasons and such) weddings are fairly expensive, and if you two will be paying for it yourself perhaps you can start saving a little bit so you''ll be ready when the time comes, and start looking into possibilities together for where you''ll get married and how much things cost in your area (and about what wedding traditions you like and what you don''t want to have) and perhaps you could get a promise ring if a long engagement wouldn''t be what you two want?