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Are doubts normal or a sign of something more?

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rierie26

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Hi my lovely LIWs,

Do you ever have doubts/questons about whether your SO is the one or if he/she is right for you? Do you think these thoughts are just a normal part of a relationship or a sign of potentially deeper issues?

I love my boyfriend and I''m pretty sure he''s the one. He''s a great guy, kind, generous, all that stuff and our relationship is great, etc - yes, he''s made some mistakes and so have I but nothing that was a dealbreaker for either of us. But every once in awhile I have these niggling thoughts in my head at random times (like walking to work?!?) that go along the lines like, "is he really the one for me?" or "is he just stringing me along?"
 

babycush

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It can be scary when you find out something about your SO that you don't like! I've definitely had a few facts sprung on me that made me have a moment of "wait, what???" What is crucial is realizing that nobody is perfect. Expecting the special person in your life to live up to your very highest standards in every aspect of his life is setting yourself up for disaster. You have to decide if you love him more than you dislike his flaws. As soon as you do that, 'flaws' turn into 'hilarious quirks'.

ETA: what makes you think he is stringing you along? Have you set up a timeline? If he is really stringing you along, that is different from wondering if he is 'the one' for you.
 

galeteia

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I had serious doubts about marriage, giving up my life and country to move to his country to be together, but I never had doubts about *him*. We had things to work out about our circumstances and expectations about our life together, but him, as a person, how he treated me, and how we were together was always solid. Not to say that we don''t have our quirks and flaws, but those were easy to deal with.

Reflection is healthy, but there is a line where it crosses into misgivings. Only you can tell where you and your relationship falls in that spectrum.
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Listen to your instincts. I didn''t want to get married, so the rightness of the guy had to be enough to drag me kicking and screaming onto the path of marriage; the opposite also exists where women are so ready for marriage, and/or families, or feel internal or external pressures to get married, that they are more likely to try to force something that really isn''t enough of a good fit, just for the sake of being married.

I figure that people get married in the hope that it will be for life. It''s worth not rushing into, and being sure that you''ve chosen the right partner. It doesn''t need to be perfection, but I believe it should be easy and unforced. You know yourselves best, and you''re the only one who knows if it feels natural or if it feels like a struggle.
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jewelz617

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I had zero thoughts about whether or not I should have married my husband. I knew 10000% that he was "the one."

If I''m just being honest.
 

katomm

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I think you have to really think about the specific doubts you are having. Are they related or do they come up around a time he has irritated you or had an argument? Are the thoughts are his actions or him in general? When you have these doubts do you also experience anxiety with them or are they just random thoughts?

It''s great you are reading to help, I have found so much useful information in books lately. I''d like to recommend another if I may "How to Save Your Second Marriage Before it Starts" by Les and Leslie Parrot. Even if this would be your first marriage it''s a great book that talks about the ins and out of relationships, doubts, etc.

Yes, I had doubts before we got married. But deep down I knew he was the one, that there was no one else better suited for me. The doubts I had were more related to how I would think we''d react to situations in the future. He''s the one, I just can''t predict what will come up of course!
 

Miss Sparkly

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Hi my lovely LIWs,


Do you ever have doubts/questons about whether your SO is the one or if he/she is right for you? Do you think these thoughts are just a normal part of a relationship or a sign of potentially deeper issues?


I love my boyfriend and I''m pretty sure he''s the one. He''s a great guy, kind, generous, all that stuff and our relationship is great, etc - yes, he''s made some mistakes and so have I but nothing that was a dealbreaker for either of us. But every once in awhile I have these niggling thoughts in my head at random times (like walking to work?!?) that go along the lines like, "is he really the one for me?" or "is he just stringing me along?"



Pay attention to why you''re having doubts and what you''re having doubts about. It WONT change after the marriage. He will only change if he wants to - I learned the hard way that you should marry the person he is not the person you want him to be (or you think he could be). Are you afraid that your SO is not as committed to the relationship as you are? Or, that your SO feels that you are not "the one" for him?
 

LilyKat

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Jun 8, 2009
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Sure, I had doubts when we were in the early stages of dating. I think it''s healthy to evaluate a relationship before jumping straight in and committing yourself. However, once we were at the stage of seriously considering engagement, I didn''t have any doubts about him or his intentions, or that we were right for each other.

Is there a reason you think he''s stringing you along? I think you need to talk to him about this.
 

bee*

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I never had any doubts about DH. I think it''s important to listen to your doubts and make sure that you''re 100% sure before getting engaged/married. You''ll be with your SO a long time so it''s important to make the right decision.
 

MermaidKelly

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I really liked babycush''s answer...
That said, I''d like to add that it seems like there comes a time when you realize that the two of you don''t think alike on everything...and it can be kinda bothersome. I am going through something like that with my bf and weve been going out a little over 2 years!

As for stringing along, I can somwhat relate as well. Our timeline was 2-4 years of dating. Now that we just passed the 2 year mark.. he said that nothing would be ''happening'' until my next birthday (which is January). I feel hurt and confused, like he just snipped close to a year off our timeline!
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I know I did not make/start this thread, but I would still appreciate any advice.
 

4ever

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It depends on several things in my opinion. Doubts are you questioning your desision, which is in ways good, you should be awear and asking yourself weather or not this is the right move. A gut feeling however that this is not right is usually somthing to be trusted. Also, are you the kind of person who often questions and worries about big dessisions or is it unusualy for you? I''m a pertty anxious and cautious person, it''s 100% normal for me to go over big desisions (or even little ones) a million times in my head and see them from every angle.

I have had doubts, over getting married, not so much about BF, because I know BF and I just click together and I can''t imagine anyone else being a perfect fit, but committing to marrige freaks me the eff out at times, because it''s such a big dessision and I''m still pretty young.

If your not sure, probably don''t get married, if it is a gut instinct that this is wrong, probably don''t get married, if it''s just little questions in your mind about weather it will work, how do you know he''s the one etc then don''t overreact and go running and screaming away from the alter just yet.
 

Indylady

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Apr 28, 2008
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Are you for some reason or other angry when you have these thoughts? Could it be after you see another relationship where someone has x,y, or z you might not have? I think I saw a thread once about relations and hearing T-gal say that sometimes everyone has these moments of "man, I don''t know if I could deal with this for the rest of my life!!" but that''s not actually related to doubt about the person you''re with. Do you have specific thoughts of qualities you want that he doesn''t have?

What do you mean by ''made some mistakes?'' Do you mean points where you two disagree, or really, mistakes? I take mistakes to mean...bad treatment, etc. and disagreements to fall into entirely a different category. You don''t actually have to answer in this thread as they are really quite personal, just things to think about and ask yourself. I always find that writing my thoughts out helps me.

I know I just asked a lot of questions in response to a question! So I''ll answer myself...
I don''t have doubts about him. I can''t imagine a better or more fitting partner. But, I do have plenty of moments when I go "You''re driving me crazy!!!
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Are you going to do this annoying this for the rest of time?!?
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" which he usually responds with a
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.
 

RaiKai

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What sort of doubts exactly?

To answer your question, I had some anxieties about marriage in general...which I shared openly with my husband and a counselor...however, I had no doubts about my husband, our relationship, or marrying him. And while we have had some learning experiences together neither of us would consider them mistakes, if that makes sense. We both feel incredibly blessed to have met one another especially as we do have a bit of life experience to know we do have something very special together. As cheesy as that sounds!!!

I will say I have had doubts in past relationships (even if they looked good on paper) and there was definitely something to those doubts and reasons they are PAST relationships. And if something is really not right you cannot force it to be. Though I often tried, not knowing any better!

I think it would be wise to look more into these doubts with a counselor and explore them further, etc. I definitely would not force something like marriage if there are doubts as you expressed.
 

PumpkinPie

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Jan 17, 2010
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As someone in the counselling field, who sees both a lot of divorce and a lot of custody battles, yes - I had doubts - but they were related more to future possible events and catastrophic thinking (affected by my exposure to a higher than usual rate of marital failure!) than to who my husband is.
 

rierie26

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 20, 2009
Messages
342
Thanks everyone for your lovely advice and support!

I like your ideas about analyzing when I start to get these feelings, etc. Like 4ever, I tend to fret and worry about decisions so maybe that''s why these thoughts pop up in my head. They don''t come up after we''ve had a fight or even when I''m upset about something. I guess I''m just worried that I won''t be able to distinguish "cold feet" from "warning signs."

As to the "stringing me along" thoughts, we''re currently in a long-distance relationship after living together so it feels like a step back in the relationship even though it might not be.
 

4ever

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Dec 9, 2008
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Date: 3/20/2010 7:39:06 PM
Author: RaiKai
What sort of doubts exactly?

To answer your question, I had some anxieties about marriage in general...which I shared openly with my husband and a counselor...however, I had no doubts about my husband, our relationship, or marrying him. And while we have had some learning experiences together neither of us would consider them mistakes, if that makes sense. We both feel incredibly blessed to have met one another especially as we do have a bit of life experience to know we do have something very special together. As cheesy as that sounds!!!

I will say I have had doubts in past relationships (even if they looked good on paper) and there was definitely something to those doubts and reasons they are PAST relationships. And if something is really not right you cannot force it to be. Though I often tried, not knowing any better!

I think it would be wise to look more into these doubts with a counselor and explore them further, etc. I definitely would not force something like marriage if there are doubts as you expressed.
I think this is the cause of many of my doubts- I don''t have the life experience of past relationships, I don''t have a basis for comparison. I know our relationship is good, but to me this is just how relationships are because it''s the only propper one I''ve had. Is this how it''s ment to be? I don''t know. Is this how your ment to feel in a good relationship? I don''t know. BF on the other hand has had past long term relationships and is 110% sure that I am ''the one'' and that this is what relationships should be like. I''m frustrated by my inability to be sure.

Kitcha- I don''t think you should worry about it, BF and I had a long distance phase in our relationship and that was absolutly when most of my doubts surfaced because we couldn''t be together and spend time with each other, it made it difficult to remember how good I feel when we are actually together. Just wait it out, when you are back in each others arms you will know, one way or the other.
 

Winks_Elf

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Everyone is different, and only you can determine the answer to your question.

In my case, my serious doubts lead me to ending two relationships, which if I had gone forward with the engagement would have lead to a disastrous marriage and inevitable divorce. I realized that neither man was mature enough to handle me and my family, and more importantly I realized that I was still very much in love with my childrens'' father. I found myself comparing other partners with him, and no one could ever measure up to him.
 
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