Anyone NOT live with their SO?

[fuzzers]

Hey everyone! I was reading an old thread and WOW I was suprised at how many people live together before getting married these days. I''m not judging them I''m just surpised! However I still plan to stick to my guns and not make the move until we are married or at least engaged with a date set... though I feel outnumbered these days for wanting to do it this way! And also I want to add that my reasons are practical, not religious or anything like that. I''m not sure I want to list them because I''m afraid I might start some arguments... but am I the only one left??

 

[Anna0499]

There have been some heated discussions about this topic - I was guilty of contributing to one of them myself - and I''m not trying to start it up again. I just wanted to let you know that I am also adamant about not living with my SO before we are married. My personal reasons are religious, family ideals, and independence before marriage. I am 25 and out of all my girlfriends from college, only one of them is living with their SO...and they aren''t necessarily thinking about marriage. Out of the 5 of my close friends who have gotten married in the last 3 years, none of them lived together before marriage. It is more common nowadays to live together before marriage but you are definitely not alone!

 

[Blair138]

Nope I don''t live with FI either!! Sometimes it sucks, but now that we are engaged I''m thinking about moving in with him before the wedding. I think there''s pro''s and con''s to each situation, but it really comes down to your specific relationship. I have friends that moved in with their SO''s only to move out and break up. I had one friend who was close to engagement and dated for almost 10 years and they broke up after living together. I also have another friend who just got married and she lived with her husband for 1 year before he proposed. I sometimes feel like I''m the only one who doesn''t live with their SO, but I get over it

 

[star sparkle]

I don't live with FI and don't plan on it until we get married.


ETA- not to threadjack, but Blair, our e-rings look like twins!!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I'm not living with my bf either. He hinted around at it, but I squashed that idea in the casual conversation stage before he ever actually asked if I wanted to live with him. My reasons are both religious and practical as well as family related - my mother would be sooo disappointed, haha. That being said, two of my best friends lived with their husbands before they were married, both my half uncles lived with their wives before marriage, and my older sister lives with her boyfriend now. They did it their way, and I'm doing it mine. Even before I became more religious, I wouldn't have lived with a guy for all my practical reasons.

It's funny because I've actually had to answer for myself about NOT living with my bf, just the same as I would if I were living with him. It's like they take it as a sign of commitment phobia on his part, even though it's my decision! So I guess the moral of that story is that you have to do what is right for you and realize that there are always going to be people who can't understand why your way doesn't match theirs.



I've never actually told anyone other than my boyfriend why I wouldn't live with someone , and I don't think I even listed all my reasons to him. I've just said to anyone who asks, "oh, I know bf would okay with sharing his house with me, but we don't think it's right for us right now. We're just happy to finally be in the same city."

 

[PawnShopHustler]

I don''t live with my SO.
Once were''re engaged I might consider it.

 

[violet02]

I don''t live with my FI either.

He lives a block away and we don''t want the stress of trying to move all of our stuff right now when we''re getting married in a couple of months. I''ve lived with guys in the past and I''m happy I waited.

 

[anchor31]

I didn''t. We moved in together a year after we were engaged, a few months after the date was set and deposits were made.

 

[ringless]

I don''t anymore. We did right after high school for finanical reasons and we quickly changed our minds and wanted to save that specialness for when were married. I don''t look down on people who do, that is their choice, but it''s not right for me.

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

Personally I feel like if more people lived together before getting married then the divorce rate might me lower. Just my $.02!

 

[KCCutie]

Technically I don''t live with my SO. We do spend the majority of our time together but we do have our own living spaces.

We are in the process of buying a house and my family is all up in arms about it b/c we aren''t engaged yet (no ring....but we both feel already engaged). However we both agree that we want to be officially engaged before we close on the house (still hoping for an Aug 29th closing date so that ring is very close

).

I think everyone is different and all relationships are different so for some people it just works to live together before they get married or engaged, so I don''t have a problem with it. To each their own, it''s just not for me.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think choosing to live together is a personal choice. All of my friends live with their SOs and only a few of us are engaged.

I personally don’t believe in testing the waters. You either know or you don’t but there are a lot of men out there that feel they won’t marry a woman unless they live together first. It’s more prevalent in Miami. Personally, I don’t think living together before marriage really takes anything away from the marriage…but it definitely delays the engagement process. This is not just because of the guy. Most girls that live with their SOs, especially those that own property together, can’t seem to justify spending x amount on a ring when they need new carpeting or want to paint the house etc.

Anyway, I admire people that stick to the plan they have for themselves. If this is your plan, then you stick by it!

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 9:40:15 AM
Author: HeadOverHeels4James
Personally I feel like if more people lived together before getting married then the divorce rate might me lower. Just my $.02!

Haha - like I said before, there was a HEATED discussion about this already See here! so we don''t need to revisit the divorce rate v. cohabitation debate! If I remember correctly, the conclusion of that thread pretty much just said the statistics were just that - statistics - and obviously every couple has to make their own decisions. Many people live and don''t live with their SO''s before marriage and the results are all over the map. Anyway, judging from these boards, more and more people are living together before marriage and the divorce rate has risen and then stayed around 50%...but, of course, those statistics don''t take into account the countless other reasons why people may get divorced that have nothing to do with their cohabitation prior to the marriage.

OP asked if she was the only one not living with her SO and those of us in her boat are just being supportive, as it seems the majority of people on these boards do (whether that may be true or not).

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

Totally agree... I almost married a total loser!! Thank god for living together in my situation!!

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 9:53:46 AM
Author: HeadOverHeels4James
Totally agree... I almost married a total loser!! Thank god for living together in my situation!!

Haha - good for you! I''m glad you found The One! I think most women, save for the few lucky ones who end up marrying their high school sweetheart, have an innate need to date a LOSER before we find the one that is right for us. I know I did!

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

HAHA BOO TO LOSERS!!

 

[vita*dolce]

I don''t live with SO, either. I hadn''t really given much thought to the subject until last year when my best friend got married. She and her husband lived together for about a year before they got married and she told me afterward that she felt like nothing was different about their relationship after the wedding.

Around the same time, my boyfriend''s best friend got married. He and his wife did not live together before marriage and they seem so happy and glowy, the way you picture "newlyweds."

Anyway, that juxtaposition really impacted my feelings about co-habitation. I want things to be different after marriage. I want to feel like a newlywed.

But it''s definitely personal, don''t worry too much about what other people are doing. Do what you think is right for your relationship.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 7/21/2008 9:40:15 AM
Author: HeadOverHeels4James
Personally I feel like if more people lived together before getting married then the divorce rate might me lower. Just my $.02!

I don''t know that you can make a direct correlation since societally so many things changed concurrently.

That said, back in the 1930''s to 1950''s when living together without benefit of clergy was almost nonexistant, the divorce rate was very, very, low.

Since the 1970''s and on, when many, many people choose to live together before marriage, the divorce rate is much, much, higher.

I think the relaxing of societal mores about relationships in general also made it easier for couples to divorce. Less stigma attached to either living together OR divorce.

 

[meresal]

I live with SO, but it is about 90% financial, 10% I like it

I moved across the state, and couldn't find a roomate, so SO split the rent with me the first few months, while he lived at home. After a while he was at my place more and more, so he just moved in. I couldn't afford a great, well guarded place on my own (1 bedroom in my suburb is around $1200/mo), or else we would live separately.

With that said, I have learned many things about my SO that I would not normally know without have lived together.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/21/2008 10:23:39 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 7/21/2008 9:40:15 AM
Author: HeadOverHeels4James
Personally I feel like if more people lived together before getting married then the divorce rate might me lower. Just my $.02!

I don''t know that you can make a direct correlation since societally so many things changed concurrently.

That said, back in the 1930''s to 1950''s when living together without benefit of clergy was almost nonexistant, the divorce rate was very, very, low.

Since the 1970''s and on, when many, many people choose to live together before marriage, the divorce rate is much, much, higher.

I think the relaxing of societal mores about relationships in general also made it easier for couples to divorce. Less stigma attached to either living together OR divorce.

Personally, I don''t think living together or not living together has much impact on your relationship if your relationship is strong. I think your relationship has impact on the result of living together. If you move in together on the same page and communicate regularly, you should be fine. If you don''t move in together until marriage, and communicate regularly, THAT''S fine.

The only difference is that if you''re already married, you''re going to work harder because you can''t just walk away from a marriage. Also, a lot of women move in with their man to take a "step" towards marriage. If the guy isn''t thinking that, disappointment sets in, and breakups can occur.

Whatever you decide, BE HONEST! Communication,trust and love will perservere, regardless of when you cohabitate!

 

[fieryred33143]

I don’t think living together or not living together contributes to the statistic. I think what does is the intention of both parties from the very beginning. If you live together with the intention of getting married and both of you are on the same page (because lets face it, a lot of women think their guy is on the same page when he really isn’t), then your relationship has just as much of a chance to work out than those that don’t. But if you live together for any reason other than a genuine feeling that this person is your forever, then the likelihood of it lasting is very slim.

My boyfriend’s friend moved in with his now ex-girlfriend about a year ago for all the wrong reasons. She wanted to get married, he didn’t so he said “let’s move in” as a stalling tactic. She agreed because she figured once they live together, he’ll see that marriage is easy. That was probably the ugliest break-up I’ve ever seen IRL.

I can say that even though I live with my SO, I will try my hardest to make sure my children (if I’m blessed to have children) waits until marriage before moving in. I chose a different course but I still think its very admirable to wait. That''s just my opinion.

 

[Amzizzle]

Everybody has different experiences from thier past and different views,and everyone should really just do what they think is best for them. I live with my BF and have for 2 years,mostly because I watched my grandmother in a horrible marriage for her entire life,and watched my parents get divorced, and all because they didn''t REALLY know what they were getting into. For the people who wait,that''s great and if it makes you happy.awesome! It''s just not for me.

 

[Blair138]

Date: 7/21/2008 1:50:31 AM
Author: star sparkle

ETA- not to threadjack, but Blair, our e-rings look like twins!!

**THREADJACK**Yes they do!! Very pretty! Although I must say I am biased

Do you have more pictures of it somewhere on here?

 

[fuzzers]

Wow 21 replies in just one night.

I feel better now. Like I said, I don't want to turn this into a debate about statistics... there's so many different ways to interpret them. I have a couple to share but I'm gonna keep them to myself.

I just have so many reasons why living together is not for me, and I don't really buy the "find out if your guy could be a total loser!" argument... especially since we'll be getting married around the 8 year mark.

Communication and openness is key!

 

[fuzzers]

Drool... Blair and star sparkle, I love them both!

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 11:34:20 AM
Author: fuzzers
Wow 21 replies in just one night.

I feel better now. Like I said, I don''t want to turn this into a debate about statistics... there''s so many different ways to interpret them. I have a couple to share but I''m gonna keep them to myself.

I just have so many reasons why living together is not for me, and I don''t really buy the ''find out if your guy could be a total loser!'' argument... especially since we''ll be getting married around the 8 year mark.

Communication and openness is key!

Wow - I would imagine after 8 years you pretty much know all you need to know about your SO and will be getting married with a firm foundation on your relationship. I don''t get the "loser" argument either, but different strokes for different folks...there are examples of happy and unhappy couples on both sides of the coin, so any debate is really moot. Where do you live? I am from the Midwest and although I do know couples who cohabitate here, I wonder if there is any geographical link? Maybe falling in line with the conservative v. liberal states?

 

[fuzzers]

Indy, I am from the Midwest too. In fact I am from Indiana! Coincidence??

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

Fuzzers aren''t you only 20? SO you started dating FF at 16? Since this has been most likely your only serious relationship how well do you really even know yourself, let alone him? I was in the same boat with my ex. We started dating when I was 17, I thought he was the one, I thought I knew EVERYTHING about him, but come to find out, I didn''t. Point being.....there are things REGARDLESS if you have been with someone for 8 years you wouldn''t know about them UNTIL you live together. I just want to share some of my story;I think its great how everyone has different opinions on the living situations! I have friends on both sides of the spectrum. I basically just am trying to say... it is different when you live with someone vs. seeing them most of the time. BAH I feel like I make no sense. I''m not a very eloquent typer!

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

I''m an INDY girl too!

 

[fuzzers]

Headoverheels, I do see your point. It doesn''t change my outlook though. If you don''t mind me asking, what did you find out about your SO that caused you to break up? Again you don''t have to answer, just curious. Of course there will be things about my SO I will learn once we move in together. And I am waiting to get married for good reasons... to learn how to be more independent first, and most of all just to become more mature. It''s 4 years off. So unless he abuses me or disrespects me, living with him won''t scare me away.