Anyone else have this problem with married friends?

[gwendolyn]

Well, ok, maybe ''problem'' is too strong a word, but I''m not sure what else to call it.

I have this good friend--let''s call him Jack. Jack and I have been friends for about 10 years or so, and were really close for a while (even talked at one point about us dating but we were living about 2000 miles apart and had different religious things so knew it wouldn''t work out). A few years ago, Jack met his (now) wife and she''s nice and friendly and when we all hang out, we have a great time. However, since they lived 2000 miles away the whole time I''ve known her (and now they''re more like 7000 miles away), I''ve only hung with her a handful of times.

Here''s where the issue comes in--when I email Jack to catch up and find out how he''s doing and everything, 9 times out of 10 she''ll write me back. The first time she did it just to tell me that she reads his email all the time, but now most of the time she''s the one writing back to me. Now, I don''t *mind* her and am happy to chat and get to know her, but I''d like it to be in addition to getting to talk to my friend, and not instead. I mentioned it to her, but it seems like it doesn''t quite get through because she keeps doing it. And sometimes, if I refer to old times or in-jokes (thinking he''d be the one reading/responding), she''ll write back saying she doesn''t know what I''m talking about. Um...it wasn''t meant for you?

Not trying to be mean or anything, but I just don''t get it. Has anyone else experienced this before?

 

[BlueSki231]

Wow.. no! To me that seems extremely bizarre.. what about BOUNDARIES!??? I would never go through my BF''s (OR husband''s if I had one) private email - and i would NEVER NEVER NEVER go so far as to respond to any of it!!

Is she the paranoid/jealous/controlling type? Does he even see anything that you send him?

I think I would eventually stop writing to him, and maybe find another way to get ahold of him if she seems to be the only one you''re getting a hold of. Does he have a work email that you can email him at?

 

[sammyj]

I have not had this problem but a good friend of mine has. She was dating someone for a few years and he broke up with her to be with someone else and they are now married. Ever since my friend and her ex broke up, this woman (K) has forbidden him to speak with my friend and responds to all e-mails my friend has ever sent. She had no intentions to ever try and win him back, nor was she hung up on him for any amount of time. My friend was very aware that things were over between them but K was obviously very insecure. It''s been 7 years since they broke up and K STILL won''t let my friend and her ex talk. My friend is even planning her own wedding, yet K''s insecurities are still in full force.

In your situation gwen, it''s either that this girl is insecure and feels threatened by your relationship...or she''s a chronic meddler...or she just really wants to be your friend!

Either way, she''s interfering with your friendship and you need to be very clear that your emails are intended for HIM and NOT HER. Or, like Namaste recommended, find a different means of communication with him. Sorry you have to deal with such a frustrating situation!!!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Wow, no. That chick sounds super controlling and possessive. You should try calling your friend or asking him to call you when she isn''t home so you can talk to him about it in private. I am sure you aren''t the only one she does this with. My FI has a few old friends, one who is an ex (although the dated when they were tweens so it doesn''t really count) and he talks to them esp. over email all the time. I don''t necessary love it but I would never tell him not to! I try to be understanding since I also talk to my guy friends all the time too.

 

[Bliss]

Awwww, that sounds so unfortunate. If it were me, I''d take the hint that she wants to be the intermediary. It''s very sad, but I think now that he''s married it''s not just about what he wants anymore. It''s what they want. And I''d say it sounds like she''s making it pretty clear that she wants most or all contact with him to go through her.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Wow, that is really weird. I mean, I knew families who had one email address for the entire family, and the parents would monitor everyone''s email, but I think that''s understandable. Does he know that she does this? I mean, doesn''t HE want to read your emails? I''m one of those people with a blackberry permanently attached to my hand, so BF does look through my email/text messages if he''s playing with it, but it''s not like he would ever respond to one.

I guess you could try to get in contact with him through some other means. Or maybe you could try to nicely ask her if there''s a easier/better way to reach him directly?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

My sister and her (now ex) husband shared an email and to be honest I didn''t find it weird at all. Now that I think about it, almost all the couples in my family share an email and erm, count me in because I made one for fi and I (although its meant to be strictly for wedding things and vendors, we still each have our own separate emails but know each others passwords) I do find it odd that she won''t address the issue about you talking to him directly though. Hmm, that''s a humdinger...

 

[bee*]

I think that''s strange. I would never reply to D''s mails if our friends write to him. Maybe next time you see him mention it to him but I don''t think that there''s anything else that you can do.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 1/18/2009 12:05:07 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
My sister and her (now ex) husband shared an email and to be honest I didn''t find it weird at all. Now that I think about it, almost all the couples in my family share an email and erm, count me in because I made one for fi and I (although its meant to be strictly for wedding things and vendors, we still each have our own separate emails but know each others passwords) I do find it odd that she won''t address the issue about you talking to him directly though. Hmm, that''s a humdinger...

Hm I know what you mean. It''s not the "sharing" of an email address that I find weird. That''s totally normal for couples and families as far as I''m concerned.

It''s the total disregard of the fact that it''s a personal message, not meant for her...

But in this case I got the impression that this has been his personal email address for a while, and that since she''s been in the picture she''s suddenly started screening it. I could be wrong though, because I''m just assuming here.. is this an email address that was created for the both of them to share?
Not that it would make it any more weird IMO.. But I guess it would give her more of a right to be on it all the time...

 

[allycat0303]

WHOAA.....I try not to judge people''s relationships, because that is their arrangement, and it''s what works for them, but I find this really bizarre. And kind of presumptuous too. I would stop emailing honestly, at the same time, I don''t want to offend his wife, so maybe I would call him up and say "Hey you never write back to me! I love hearing from your wife but I miss your sense of humor!" And if he didn''t get the message, I would abandon email in favor of a phone call once in a while. My fiance and mine''s hotmail accounts are linked though (so we can read each other''s messages, eventhough we don''t).

Oops I just realized that my mom does the typing for my father for emails (because he is a little computer illiterate) and it takes too much time, so I guess that can be construed in a similar-ish manner. And I do have a friend that has only one email with his wife. Their address is like hisname_and_hername but she has never responded to me. I guess it is complete transparency.

 

[Circe]

So not what I was expecting from the header! Then again, I don''t think I would have expected it no matter how it was tagged, because that is one of the oddest things that I''ve ever heard of. I''m a big believer in privacy, and that would drive me NUTS - it bugs if my husband even reaches over my shoulder to IM a friend while I''m still signed in without identifying himself properly! Like everybody above me mentioned, definitely send a low-key message by phone or ''net to let him know that you''d like to talk to him, too, occasionally, and if that doesn''t work ... well, if it makes them happy, groovy. But you know that saying about how marriage doesn''t mean you''re losing a ____, but gaining a ____? It''s kind of sad if the one is at the expense of the other.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/18/2009 12:29:18 PM
Author: Namaste
But in this case I got the impression that this has been his personal email address for a while, and that since she's been in the picture she's suddenly started screening it. I could be wrong though, because I'm just assuming here.. is this an email address that was created for the both of them to share?

Not that it would make it any more weird IMO.. But I guess it would give her more of a right to be on it all the time...

Yeah, sorry, it is his personal email that he's had for years before he met her.

I will try to ring up now and then, but it's hard since there's a 7 hour time difference and international phone call rates involved (love email 'cause it's free!), but it seems like the way to go. I lucked out when I called them and some other of our friends (who were visiting) on New Year's Eve because I got Jack but not his wife because she was busy cooking dinner for everyone. Don't get me wrong, I did want to speak to her and felt disappointed that I talked to everyone but her (by the time the phone was going to be passed to her, everyone was sitting down to eat and Jack said they had to go and that he'd give his wife my love), but it was really nice to have a chat with Jack again!

 

[Tuckins1]

Hmmm... That's a little strange. I am married, and I neither check my husbands e-mails, nor respond to his e-mails, texts, or any other messages. Maybe she is just uncomfortable with you and he communicating. Why, I don't know, but you should try to speak to your friend about it. Perhaps a phone call?
Or does she answer all of his calls, too?

 

[katica]

Gwendolyn,
I had something similar happen. It wasn''t that the wife was responding to my emails - sehe made him kick me off his facebook friends list and asked him not to correspond with me at all. I had only sent him a message to find out how his CANCER TREATMENT was going and she couldn''t even handle that. Well he did have a crush on me way before they knew each other but we never would have dated or anything and the guy had CANCER for goodness sake and I was just checking up on an old friend with cancer! I couldn''t believe it. He told me she didn''t feel comfortable with our correspondence so he can''t talk to me. That''s up to them I guess, but I can''t help but feel sorry for a guy with such a miserable and insecure wife (talking about my friend and his wife here).

Do you have his phone number? One way to find out whether she''s just being unintentionally nosy and trying to be your friend or if she really is being jealous and insecure is to ask for his number and see if she gives it!

 

[Rhea]

That''s weird! I''ve never had that happen. Most couples I know check each other''s email or have a joint address, but I always get a reply from the person I wrote to unless there''s an odd situation with the friend (in hospital with newborn, for example). I''d feel really odd about writing to a friend if I always got an answer from the partner.

I do answer DH''s phone more often than not, but that''s a case of whoever is closest picks it up. I don''t force the person to speak to me, which is pretty much what this person is doing by replying to all the emails.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I hate to be the voice of the alternate view, but perhaps this is THEIR way of letting you know that it is inappropriate for you to be emailing him now. They are married, and you were a really good friend of his...while he was SINGLE. Yes, boundaries are important. Perhaps it is time to have boundaries with him now that he is married. You don''t have to like his wife, but you should respect the boundaries of marriage. A single girl (about to be engaged or not) and a married man emailing each other = problems waiting to happen.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/18/2009 5:53:14 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
I hate to be the voice of the alternate view, but perhaps this is THEIR way of letting you know that it is inappropriate for you to be emailing him now. They are married, and you were a really good friend of his...while he was SINGLE. Yes, boundaries are important. Perhaps it is time to have boundaries with him now that he is married. You don''t have to like his wife, but you should respect the boundaries of marriage. A single girl (about to be engaged or not) and a married man emailing each other = problems waiting to happen.

Wow! That may be the case for this particular couple, I hadn''t thought of it that way, but I certainly hope that my male friends don''t ditch me if/when they get married. Not being friends with someone because of gender seems insane to me.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 1/18/2009 5:53:14 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
I hate to be the voice of the alternate view, but perhaps this is THEIR way of letting you know that it is inappropriate for you to be emailing him now. They are married, and you were a really good friend of his...while he was SINGLE. Yes, boundaries are important. Perhaps it is time to have boundaries with him now that he is married. You don''t have to like his wife, but you should respect the boundaries of marriage. A single girl (about to be engaged or not) and a married man emailing each other = problems waiting to happen.

Gwendolyn isn''t single - she is in a long term relationship. Also - who cares if she was? That isn''t the point?! There is nothing wrong with talking with a friend of the opposite sex.... If they were hanging out alone all the time that''s a different story.... Married or not you should be able to talk to who ever you want, whenever you want, and if you have a trusting relationship, this shouldn''t be a problem or intimidating. And another thing - if it were the case that this was "their way of letthing her know about boundries" maybe he should be man enough to tell her to her face as opposed to beating around the bush. This sounds so terribly immature to me. I don''t care who you ask, putting boundries on a person like that (e.g. who you can talk to or not) really makes your partner feel trapped, and likely, that relationship won''t last.

 

[LaraOnline]

To be honest, I think Wink is correct in that it seems the wife is trying to get you to ''get the picture''.
It seems different in the US, over here it is still quite normal for men and women to ''separate out'' a little after they marry off. It''s partly about consideration for the wife.
As a married woman, I don''t think I would ever pursue a friendship with a man, long-distance or not, that was not a reflection of that man''s primary relationship with my man.
I do have some male friends...but they tend to be my DHs friends, who have ''adopted'' me. We are very close, but my husband trusts these men implicitly.

I''m sure this varies from couple to couple though, but DH and I are extremely tight knit.
In my 20s, I had lots and lots of friends of both genders, and was happy to call a man my friend.

These days, my husband is my everything. Sorry if that sounds stuffy.
But life has moved on and with kids and the pressures of life, it would seem disrespectful of me to have close friendships with other men unknown to my husband. I just don''t have time for any complications, nor would I wish to encourage any confusions or hurt feelings, on any side of the threesome.

Generally, even when I was younger, most of my close friendships with men were characterised, at least partly, by a kind of relaxed sexual tension that neither of us chose to pursue.
Perhaps your friend''s wife is worried that you still want to stay on some vague ''list of prospects''!

 

[Harriet]

If I were in your shoes, I'd give Jack a call and raise the issue. He's married, not dead. I've kept my male friends and my husband doesn't mind.

 

[calidaisy]

as much as i find her responding to your emails a bit strange, i think i'm in the minority here with winks and lara.
i think that's her way of drawing boundaries between you and jack, at the level that is comfortable with her, and i think you need to respect that.

i say this because i can in someway relate to jack's wife: DH has a friend who he calls "best" friend. they were once close and interested in each other but decided not to pursue it thinking it wouldn't work out.

here's the part that's different from your friendship: i never met her and i don't get the impression that she is even interested in meeting me.

nevertheless, she emails DH every once in awhile (yes, i read DH's email from time to time since it's always left open in the computer ;p) ... moreover, she once called (right before we got married/ i moved in) DH at random hour of the night (10 p.m.-ish?) to let him know that she was in the area. he missed the call but i didn't know whether she wanted to come over or have him come out and see her.

in any case, even though i don't feel "threatened" nor "insecure" by this friend emailing/ calling DH every now and then and i don't think there is anything to it other than her trying to be a "friend," i find her actions to be disrespectful of me and our marriage.

so, i may just be projecting my feelings toward DH's friend to your friend's wife's feelings for you, but if i were you ... i'd leave them alone. she may not like the fact that you two have a history (albeit platonic) and/ or feel disrespected of her/ their marriage in your effort to stay "friends" with him.

 

[Harriet]

But, Gwen and Jack have at least the Atlantic Ocean between them.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I am also with Wink, Lara and Calidaisy. Our situation is the opposite, I am the one that has several close male friends, but I all my true friends that I wanted to remain in my life know FI. In one case, I had a platonic friend who was a former co-worker. This was someone who made my job immensely easier for me when we worked together and he''s been involved with someone the whole time I''ve known him. I saw his relationship go from dating to living together to being engaged to attending their destination wedding (with FI!).

These are friends of mine, from HS, college, work, whatever...if they are meaningful to me and me to them, they''ve met my FI and they are very respectful of that relationship. I do the same for the friend mentioned above, I call during normal hours, or sometimes send an IM, but never after hours (such as between 9PM-9AM,) and I never meet any of these friends out alone. Either they bring their SOs or I bring FI or we have a large group meeting up. I don''t keep anything from FI and he is always my number one priority and I expect that my friends will make their SOs their number one priority.

That said, I don''t read FIs e-mail (unless he asks me to) and I certainly never respond to mails directed at him. We have a joint domain that we both have access to: myname@ourpage and hisname@ourpage and we have a joint Facebook page, but we still each respond to our own things. He sometimes responds to his e-mails and copies me (i.e. his ex-wife''s e-mails regarding the kid''s schedule, his boss regarding late meetings, our travel agent regarding our wedding, etc.,) but I do think it''s weird that anyone would respond constantly and I wonder if your friend even knows you are writing. I would make one final attempt to CALL him at work and have a brief chat about catching up and that while you think his wife is a doll, you miss your bud.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Hm, Gwen, that''s odd. While I understand people having joint emails, this is his personal email. If she wants to read it that''s totally fine and their own decision [as long as it''s made jointly] and I guess provides transparency, but I don''t really understand why, even if she is reading the emails, she is the one replying to them.

I do agree that it seems she might be uncomfortable with you contacting your old friend, who happens to now be her husband. However, if that''s the case I think it''s ridiculous that neither of them have been forthcoming about it, and I would almost classify this behavior as passive aggressive. Why not just tell you they think it''s inappropriate if that is the case?

I also have to say that I''m rather puzzled by the perception that having friends of the opposite sex is inappropriate or leads to sexual tension. Maybe it''s because I [*ahem* obviously] do not have sexual tension with my male friends, but that seems to be pretty relationship-specific. I think it''s quite a sweeping statement to assume that all male/female friendships have a sexual or romantic aspect, or that the potential for that aspect is always there. By that logic I wouldn''t be able to have any female friends because there might be sexual tension involved. Well, I can say very firmly that there is NOT sexual tension involved in any of my friendships with women, even though many of my friends are also queer. I would like to think that couples could trust each other enough to allow their significant others/spouses the opportunity to be friends whomever they wish, as long as there was transparency in the friendship and boundaries were drawn.

If that''s what works for a couple [no opposite sex friendships] that''s fine, but in this scenario it sounds as if only one of the partners is on board with the plan, which I think is problematic.

 

[Harriet]

I agree, WishfulThinking.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 1/18/2009 8:29:26 PM
Author: wannaBMrsH
...we still each respond to our own things. He sometimes responds to his e-mails and copies me (i.e. his ex-wife''s e-mails regarding the kid''s schedule, his boss regarding late meetings, our travel agent regarding our wedding, etc.,) but I do think it''s weird that anyone would respond constantly and I wonder if your friend even knows you are writing. I would make one final attempt to CALL him at work and have a brief chat about catching up and that while you think his wife is a doll, you miss your bud.

well said.
I agree it could be seen as unusual to respond to someone else''s emails as well. Although, men are often (usually?

) not very good at this ''friend/emotional type stuff, and he may just have passed the buck to his wife. He is unlikely to tell you how he really feels about it.
Of course, any negative feelings he does have about your friendship are likely just to be about his concern for his wife''s feelings, nothing personal in any case.

There is a girl my husband met once, who has made every effort to keep in contact with him. She seemed to like him rather a lot, and has sent Christmas cards faithfully, including long and very detailed letters about her life. She does ask about me, but as I do not know her it is difficult to place the context of her connection with my man. DH has told me they were platonic friends that met on an overseas trip.

I have to admit, if I was going through a ''wobbly'' period, it is possible that such an ongoing penpal relationship could make me feel unhappy for periods of time... Unfortunately, my husband''s response has been just to not write to her since meeting me. At all. She sent her email address, but he never followed up. Whenever I get a letter, (now just once a year, before every couple of months) I feel an awful clutching at my heart. I am happy when he''s opened it, read it and the missive goes in the bin.

Limited of me, I know!
And she is probably a very nice girl. I feel sorry for her... (I think).

 

[Harriet]

I'm having trouble getting my head around this issue. I can understand not staying in touch with ex-es (I don't). But, assuming full disclosure, what about buddies, especially those who have helped me through rough times or experienced them with me?

 

[Bliss]

This topic really made me think! Some of you are suggesting that the guy (Jack) should be more forthcoming if he indeed wants to move on. That makes sense, but how? There's no good way to do so.

How does a guy be forthcoming about his desire not to be "there for you" in that way anymore?

I don't see a good way to go about it. (I'm not saying this is even the case for our Gwendolyn!) But now I'm curious as to how you would do that. I would imagine that it would be very awkward and difficult.

I've had this happen if a guy friend seemed to develop a crush... I'd just be distant and not respond as much. Or if a guy friend who used to like me contacted me out of the blue when I'm in serious relationship I would always mention FI. If he didn't take the hint, I would have to respond so rarely it would practically be non-existent. What do girls do in that situation? Hmmm... It's just tough all around. I think I'm ultra sensitive so I would take it as a hint.

 

[Harriet]

Jack''s a big boy. Can''t he just say "Out of respect for my wife, blah blah blah ...?"

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I don't get it either... It's just an email. Not a 2 am booty call. If girls were calling Jack in the middle of the night that would be one story, but a friendly emailing catching up on BOTH his and his wife's lives does not seem disrespectful to me, especially since they have always been only platonic friends... and live so far apart.