any LIW''s in your 30''s?

[eternaloptimist]

Just wondering if there are any "ladies in watiing" in your 30''s? - ha - I laughed at this term when i first saw it - it is very cute...
I just turned 33, and I have been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs. He''s fantastic and I really feel in my heart that he is the one for me - only he is one of these people who is just extremely cautious about major life decisions. And his integrity is so strong that he doesn''t want to tell me an exact time or estimate of when he will be ready for marriage b/c he doesn''t want to disappoint me at all. Still - I get frustrated with how stubborn he is!

Sucks that I didn''t meet him a little earlier - b/c if I was 25 I wouldn''t be NEARLY as impatient as I am!!!!!! I would love to connect with any other girls out there who are in 30''s and maybe feeling a little more anxious b/c of biological clock??? Someone going through something similar would certainly ease my mind It doesn''t help that 2 of my girlfriends are getting married this yr and another will be getting engaged any day now....! aaaarrrrhhhh

 

[janinegirly]

i was an LIW in my 30's and now am a BIW in my early-mid 30's. i also dated my bf for 3 yrs and he is also v. cautious. i had many friends along the way who told me to bail b/c he should know asap if he was marrying me since we were both "older".

of course it seems so much clearer in hindsight, but now that we are engaged my bf is full speed ahead on all other life decisions. so it was like he took the extra time b/c he was processing many future decisions too, and it was a lot to work through.

but every guy is different and i would say 3 yrs is kind of the limit once you're in your 30's---b.c that's plenty of time to get to know each other and have the important disussions and still just grow together.

have you guys talked seriously about marriage and timelines? what does he say? has there been a kids discussion? what's his relationship history? how old is he and do you guys live together?
alotta questions i know, but usually the answers to those can help gauge things. you're definitely not alone and still have plenty of time at 33...but 3 yrs is a good time to step things up! keep in mind wedding planning and engagement usually goes a year..so timing is important too. i would be a little concerned that he doesn't like to discuss timeline at all (which I'm picking up from your post)--that isn't really a question of integrity---out of respect for you he needs to be more open because you've invested 3 yrs and time is more critical to women etc-.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hang in there Eternal! I''m 30ish too, and my guy has the ring. He''s waiting on me finishing my little freak-out (AAARGH! ) and on my mother''s blessing. I think Pandora II was also in this camp (she''s a BIW now too) and there are a few others.

I agree with Janine that you need to press your guy if kids and bio-clocks are an issue. Integrity is wonderful, but so is decisiveness. He must know by now whether you two would be a good couple. And he should respect your age related concerns and realize it''s not a joke. I think a lot of guys don''t realize that the ''bio-clock'' thing is REAL and not just us being neurotic or whatnot. And it matters to YOU and therefore should matter to HIM if he loves you.

I think it''s absolutely fair to gently but firmly let him know that you need him to make a decision within a reasonable period of time. Not ''marry me or I''ll leave you!'' but ''I want a family and I want it to be with you, but if it can''t be with you, I need to know on the sooner side.''

There was recently a thread with great advice about broaching the issue firmly. Let me see if I can find it for you...

 

[Independent Gal]

Here is the thread:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/help-please-unbiased-perspective-needed.63258/

I thought the gals gave some GREAT advice here and there was a nice happy ending too! Good luck! And we''re here to support you if you need it.

 

[Becky P]

Hey there! I''m not 30 yet, but I''m 28 1/2 and VERY impatiently waiting as well! The description you gave of your bf sounds JUST like mine!!! It''s frustrating, but I know he''s being honest with me, and I''d rather him be honest than throw out a timeline just to get me to chill out a little bit. He promised a while back that we would definitely be married before I''m 30. Of course, I made sure to tell him that I wanted a minimum of 9 months to plan the wedding, so time it is a ticking. We had several really intense conversations near the end of last year, we both know what the other wants, so I''m just trying not to bring up weddings every single second of every single day! I don''t have much advice to offer other than, I feel ya! I''m in the same boat!

 

[ladyciel]

It''d be so nice if men would realize that "clock ticking" jokes only exist because a very serious clock DOES exist for women. I don''t know if you want to have children, or if you''ve discussed kids with your BF, but if he''s made it clear he wants kids maybe you should make sure he realizes how your age (every year makes a difference at 33) plays into that dream. The risks for birth defects (like down syndrome) go up, risk factors for the mother, difficulty of getting pregnant in the first place.....they all go up with a woman''s age, especially after 35. Make sure he knows these things and that you''re serious about this - you can''t wait forever, because you don''t HAVE forever. Here''s a link that gives a good breakdown of the pregnancy and age issues.

Good luck!!

 

[eternaloptimist]

Thanks all for your support and comments - although, sometimes I think seeking advice just makes me more anxious anyway - I''ve found in most experiences with relationships that my gut and MY instincts are really what matters most.

To answer janinegirly''s q''s -- yes, we have discussed marriage and kids. And my boyfriend is open to both of them, but he doesn''t work well w/ timelines at all - he prefers to take on each big thing as he is ready. And I think he really wants to have some things fall in line at work before he is ready. Also - he was in a 7 yr relationship before me that ended badly. Luckily, atleast 2 yrs passed before he met me, so I know I wasn''t a "rebound" at all - but his ex deeply betrayed him by cheating on him for the last year of their relationship - so I think he is definitely scared about the finality of something long-term.

He is my heart and my best friend - so very hard to imagine living without him. He''s indicated that he definitely wouldn''t be ready in next 6 months - so I''m thinking I may give him a year and if he''s still not ready - I may have to move on for my own sanity -- sometimes I think he may need that kind of thing to happen for him to "take the leap" - that is how stubborn I think he is....

 

[Becky P]

eternaloptimist - OMG! I just laughed when I read your last post! I used to say the same thing about my guy! That it''d take me leaving for him to finally realize that he wanted to marry me. Of course, by the time I end up leaving, though, it''ll be too late for that. Luckily, his attitude has changed in the last couple months... he''s been more open to talking about not only marriage in general, but also OUR marriage. I''d say talk to your guy, communicate with him how you''re feeling and what you expect. My guy and I had a talk a month or so ago now. It''s been clear for a while that I''m ready now and he''s not quite ready. It finally came down to the fact that I need a sign from him that the relationship is progressing. Well, the only sign he can give me is a ring, and he''s not quite ready for that. So, we compromised. I''ve got a book "1,001 Questions to Ask before Marriage". We''re going through that book talking about all the different issues that need to be address before marriage. Anyway, just thought it was funny you said you''d have to leave for him to realize what he''s got! I used to think the same thing!

 

[eternaloptimist]

Thanks for the post Becky P! Is there anyway to contact members on here? We should chat through email!
I know it says in rules we shouldn''t list email, so I won''t do that.

Yeah - I personally, get kind of annoyed by books like, "He''s just not that into You" -- b/c I think it doesn''t really address people like us who are in long term relationships with GOOD guys who just want to make sure they are doing the right thing. I don''t think there''s anything wrong with a guy really wanting to be clear about such a major life decision as marriage. So many people rush into things after just a yr or so - and then look what happens 8 yrs down the road???/ Lots of people end up unhappy that way - and I think he just wants to make sure that won''t happen to us. Things can change a lot between people and I think he just wants to make sure that he and I are growing together and that we have the same views on major things - and we seem to!

I mean marriage is FOREVER - you are committed to that person through sickness & health & EVERYTHING - so it is a big step. I think for guys who really think things through - they need to do LOTS of mulling Don''t get me wrong - I think I have the right to have a timeframe and let him know about that (and he does)...

We actually saw that book "1,000 q''s before marriage" on an Oprah episode I think?? We watched that show together and it sparked great conversation with us. I think its great that he is always open to talking about things. I may have to get that book myself for us...

One other thing I notice is that my guy responds WAAAY better when I broach the subject w/ a smile on my face and sound very positive about it - rather than talking to him about it when I''m feeling scared and "teary eyed" -- he does not respond well to me crying!!! So I do think it helps to approach men with it like it is going to be a great thing -- not a life sentence to boredom! ha ha I do think lots of men are afraid that the moment they get married, things will change & they will get routine and hum drum... Understandable - b/c you hear stories about that happening all the time!

 

[zoebartlett]

I''ll be 34 in October and I just got engaged at the beginning of May. My FI is 35. We''ve been together for 3 1/2 years and honestly, I was okay with waiting. Once we decided to have Whiteflash make my ring, that''s when I began to get a little anxious. I''m the last of my circle of friends and family to get married; in fact, two of my college roommates are celebrating their 10 year anniversaries this summer. Yes, it''s a little funny to me that my friends had planned their weddings SO long ago and I''m just beginning, but to each her own. I''m just a late bloomer I guess.

Try not to get discuraged. It will happen -- just a matter of time.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m 35 in August, FI is 32 and he finally got round to proposing on Christmas Eve last year.

I was not a good, patient little girl at all! I teased, sulked, cried, humphed and then decided he never would so I may as well give up - so then he proposed (having spent 6 months planning - with no ring buying involved!)

I totally get how it feels - my worry was that he would decided he didn''t really want to be with me forever period, that he would take 10 years to reach this decision and I would be starting from scratch aged 45, with no kids, no house etc etc

I bought "Why Men marry some Women and not Others" and put it into practise. I met the guy while I was religiously doing ''The Rules'', so I trusted in the book, initially terrifying - but then I found I felt in control whether I got the result I wanted or not - and that is so important!

Don''t ever let them feel they can wriggle past the topic - they will if they can!

Good luck!

 

[Haven]

Hi, Eternaloptimist (love the name, by the way.) I''m not in my 30s, I''m 26, HOWEVER my bf is 37 so I feel like HIS clock is tick tick ticking away. I started the post that IndependentGirl linked to above because I was feeling very similar to the way you are feeling right now.

I just wanted to say you are not alone. It''s frustrating to be in the position of waiting on someone else to feel ready to do something that you yourself already feel completely ready and eager to do. And it IS a serious change, and of course we want our men to mull it over and really think it through, but sometimes I think: Enough already! How much thinking can you do?!

As for the broaching the subject with a smile on your face versus tears--you are absolutely right. Here''s a good story: I have a good friend who told me he decided he was finally ready to propose to his (now) wife when she was talking about all the great things they can do once they''re living together. He said she made it sound like so much fun, all of his jitters suddenly disappeared and then he called me to help him scope out the ring! Makes it sound like a marketing campaign, doesn''t it?

Good luck with being patient, and you will find a lot of calming, sound advice here on PS. Welcome!

 

[Becky P]

hehehe Haven and Eternaloptimist, I love the idea of it being a "marketing campaign"! That''s TOO funny! But, you''re right! When I''m stressed and freaking out, those conversations never really go so well. But, when we''re just having dinner or going on a bike ride and enjoying each other and something pops up in conversation, then he''s perfectly willing to talk about marriage... hmmm... thoughts to ponder, I love it!

 

[eternaloptimist]

I felt like I had a good progressive conversation w/ my guy last night!

Someone on one of the other posts (can''t remember who) said you should distinguish between a guy who just needs more time, and a guy who is just keeping you around b/c he''s afraid to lose you --- and that really made me think.

So I asked my guy about that - I think I already knew the answer - I know absolutely that he is not the kind of guy that would keep me around just for the sake of "having someone" or because he has no hopes for anything else in the future.

He is simply a guy who needs a little more time. I think in these cases, it is important to know who you are with through and through and know their personality! I know my guy very well - and I know this about him --- he ponders and researches every single purchase he makes!!! That is his personality! It took him a year to research buying his car. So of course, he is going to think for quite sometime about something like a ring!

So, atleast, I feel reassured by his words that he''s not opposed to marriage and that I am extremely important to him - his best friend. I think it will just come down to me having to be serious w/ him about what my final "waiting date" is -- and I would really like to think that he values what we have enough to go along with it. I''m basically trying to meet him halfway - so that he has a little more time to think things through and feel good about everything. And he understands I can''t wait forever though -- it is kind of scary stuff - but certainly helps for me to just have faith that the higher plan for me is a GOOD one no matter what!!!!!

Thanks for all comments - keep em comin!

 

[janinegirly]

eternal, i understand where you''re coming from, i really do (I was there not too long ago). But i see some worrying things in your post. You can toss aside everything i say if you''d like, and it might not apply--but at least think about it.

your bf IS a good man and possibly your soulmate, but that doesn''t necessarily mean he is the marrying kind. It doesn''t necessarily mean he isn''t either. but after 3 yrs and at 33 (since you want kids) you do need something concrete verbally--even though even that isn''t a promise (a ring is the real promise!).
i think timelines not being his thing is fine for him, but not for you for very legitimate reasons. I dont'' think it''s a question of him being stubborn, it''s just him sticking to his guns for what he wants..and right now he doesn''t know what he wants. Which is him being honest and therefore a good thing for him to stick to ... for HIM, but not necessarily you. again, i''m not by any means criticizing your bf, but i see you sort of being too easy going and taking quite a lot of risks as a result.
i don''t see the harm in having a serious discussion with your bf and asking him upfront if he intends to marry you and if so are we talking 1 yr, 3 yrs, 6 mo''s..b/c it makes a very big difference to you--a lifetime one! And if he loves you (as I''m sure he does), he''ll overcome his stubborness and hatred of timelines to answer your questions as honestly as he can. it''s a pretty black and white issue.
And if he says "i just don''t know, but i''m not ready now"...then you need to do some soul searching. Because that could mean he may never be ready for marriage or that he will be ready in 3 yrs when it''s less likely that there''ll be a family! You owe it to yourself to get some firm answers (in a nice way of course . this is your life and if you''re here, it means you are frustrated, and in your situation, it''s totally understandable.

i hope this makes sense..i''m not saying you should be discouraged, just taht there are a lot of questions you need answered soon. In my situation i finally kicked into gear in the 3rd year, and thank good ness! if i hadn''t i''d probably still be waiting. on the other hand, if i''d been more upfront and honest about what i REALLY wantd earlier, it''d have happened sooner too! And if not, then at least i wouldn''t have wasted any more time Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[janinegirly]

well good to hear! i posted above before your update...maybe it''ll still be helpful. be careful of having conversations that make you feel better but no real changes...so stay on top of him! hope you have that ring sooner than later!!

 

[eternaloptimist]

No - I definitely see what you are saying - you''re just being REAL with me about the situation! I did get answers from him on all of the things you mentioned above - in fact, we''ve talked about it many times - on average about once every 3 months.

He told me he is not ready yet - plain and simple. So, I decided that I will give him until our next anniversary - which is next May. At that point - if he still feels the same way, then I think it will be in my best interest - or both of our best interests to just see other people.

I definitely don''t give him the easy way out since I talk about it w/ him fairly frequently so is very clear about how I feel. At this point in time, I feel that if I were to give him an "ultimatum", that it probably wouldn''t result in what I want b/c I''m pushing the issue a little too soon.

I believe he is WORTH it to give him a little more time. Shoot - my parents actually had time apart to date other people before they married and it actually worked very well for them. They dated for 4 yrs before marriage too (which was a rather long courtship in those days!) -

It maybe that my guy needs to "lose" me in a way for things to really sink in - and if it isn''t the case & he still doesn''t budge then I will truly know that I gave it my best & that he''s not the right one for me (as heartbreaking as it is to think about that).

He has told me several times he doesn''t want to even imagine me with anyone else and hopefully he won''t have to!

 

[janinegirly]

eternal,
i just really relate to your situation..i felt the EXACT same way.
in the end i gave an ultimatum (or a time frame) not because i thought this would prompt him but b/c i just couldn''t take the waiting around anymore, i had already been so patient.

so just realize that a year seems ok now, but each month that passes you may grow increasingly frustrated and start to resent him for putting your life on hold while he figures out what he wants (after 3 yrs no less). that''s what happened to me--i was on this board freaking out for about 6 mo''s until he finally proposed! maybe if i''d been more firm earlier with my bf (and told him what I needed /wanted--not just subtle conversations), i wouldn''t have been so incredibly anxious as he finally kicked into gear.

it''s good that you have a timeline for yourself (your next anniversary) but another suggestion i would have (take it or leave it) is to try to get to the core of what is making him hesitant. i''m sure it''s not you, but it might be marriage itself or kids. because just waiting with status quo will likely drive you crazy (bc you''ll see your anniversary creeping closer and closer and you''ll get anxious and it''ll affect things). so while i think it''s great that you guys talked last night and talk ev. 3 months, eventually it won''t be the # of times you talked that''ll push him--it''ll be him realizing what he wants and facing up to whether it''s the same as you or not (be clear about what you want). Honestly, that just shouldnt'' take much longer. Good luck girl! i can relate

 

[eternaloptimist]

Yes, it is upsetting me enough/ worrying me enough that I may have to set a sooner date. I CAN say - this wk is not the week to do it - b/c my guy''s grandfather is dying right now - in his last days - and I''d rather not add to his stress this wk.

So - when you layed down your ultimatum - were you then w/ your boyfriend during that time? We''re ya''ll still together? Or did you take a break during that time? I am just curious.... Or did you just tell him a date that you needed an answer by?

 

[Haven]

Janine, you are so generous with your excellent advice, thank you so much. I think Janine''s points are right on--the year-long wait will get very tedious, and much more difficult as time goes on. It''s also easy to start to resent someone for holding up your life, and keeping you in a place which you are ready to leave.

Eternal--It sounds like our BFs are similar in that it takes both of them a very long time to make decisions. H spent six months researching wide-screen HD televisions before he even started looking to purchase one. SIX MONTHS! ON A TELEVISION! They honestly all looked exactly the same to me, but he still kept asking "Which one, Honey? Can you see the difference?" All I knew is that I could see the sweat on the actors'' faces because of the HD and that was just icky. I think I prefer my actors a little fuzzy.

He actually just let it slip that he''s been researching engagement rings and stones since November, and he hasn''t made a single purchase yet. NOVEMBER! That was seven months ago!

Anyway, I just wanted to share--maybe it''s the thorough researchers who need that extra push.

Good luck with your wait, and I hope to see your engagement photos up here soon.

 

[eternaloptimist]

Oh and just a few other notes about us -- we are a little atypical of some couples in the sense that we did distance for the first year of our relationship. So, the first year we didn''t see eachother as often - about once every 6-8 wks.

I just turned 33 and he just turned 34 - our bdays are 8 days apart...

 

[Becky P]

Oh yes! Mine is an over-thinker too! Took him 8 months!! 8 months to decide on a countertop color for his kitchen. We made SO many trips to Home Depot and Lowe''s and looked at the same counter samples so many times I could scream! Finally, I just told him to MAKE A DECISION already, and then about a month later he did. If it takes 8 months to figure out countertops, I have no idea how long it takes to figure out an engagement ring. I just know that we''re right for each other and he knows it too, he''s just not ready to buy a ring. But, I think he might be saving for a ring because the last bonus he got went straight into savings.

We also were long distance - for about 3 years almost. We had dated in college for a year, broken up for 4 years, and reconnected when he was in Chicago training for a new job. We dated Chicago to Pittsburgh for about 9 months, and then I got an opportunity to go to New Mexico and lived out there for 2 1/2 years before finally moving to Pittsburgh. I think in some ways our relationship is stalled partly because of the long distance for most of our dating years. We''ve lived in the same city now for almost exactly a year and a half, and things feel like they''re starting to move forward - FINALLY. I''m hopeful that there will be a proposal before the end of the year.

I think there should be a book or something for women who are dating over-thinkers!!! If anyone with an over-thinking man has found anything that works, share it with the rest of us!!!! Because the whole timeline/ultimatum thing definitely does NOT work with this type of man - in fact, it tends to backfire!

 

[designchica]

I am 31 and my boyfriend is 27. We have only been dating one year, so I know the likelihood of us getting engaged soon is slim, but a girl can still dream, can''t she?

Also, he knows my timeline for having kids (5 years). In fact, we broke up over it for one month, and when we got back together, he said he will give me kids in five years. Unfortunately, we forgot to talk about a time line for marriage! Ugh!

My guess is that we will get engaged sometime in the next 8-16 months, but if I had my way, it would happen now because I am sooooo ready!!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi Eternal,

Like Janine, I don''t want you to take any of this the wrong way!

But have you made CRYSTAL clear to your guy that the kid issue is a real one? The thing is, another HUGE possible source of resentment (not to mention a huge tragedy) is if he waits another year to propose, then it''s another year before you''re married, then you''re 35 and your chances of having trouble getting pregnant are 1/3. The chances of having a miscarriage are also creeping up into the extremely scary numbers. THen there''s the danger to you and your body, which gets much MUCH greater as you near 40, especialy if you have any health problems. Of course, lots of people do JUST fine with having kids complication free at this age. A little over half. And then there''s the other half who have problems of some kind. Half.

If (heaven FORBID) such a thing should happen to you, will you resent him for dragging his feet for four long years, when everything might have been that much smoother if he had made a decision earlier?

Of course you shouldn''t threaten him or anything like that, but make sure he has all the information and understands WHY doing things on the sooner side is important to you so that he can make a good decision. It''s your health and well-being, and the very possibility of a family that might be at stake. If he wants a family too, he should know this too!

Most of us postpone hard or scary decisions for as long as we''re "able" to.

It''s one thing to want to wait till you really know someone, for a year, 18 months, even two years. Longer if you''re younger. But by now, he knows what he''s getting, so the wait must be because something else is on his mind. Not that he''s unsure about YOU necessarily, but SOMETHING he''s worried about.

You know your relationship best, of course! But if it was me, I''d be firm with my guy about my concerns. If he respects and loves you, he will surely at least take these seroiusly into account!

Good luck! We''re here to support you.

 

[eternaloptimist]

So true Becky P. - I think that analytical, cautious men are a rare breed - I believe they can be in a separate category from "commitophobes". I am a writer - perhaps I could write a best-seller someday.

If there is one thing I''ve learned - it is that relationships are all sooooooo vastly different. Its not something that you can really look at someone else''s situation and compare to yours. You have to look at your own situation.

I got so much criticism from people when I was doing distance - and I learned through it all what really mattered was what I THINK ABOUT IT! I still am interested to hear stories of others going through similar situations though

The thing I have learned most dating an over-thinking man is that he responds best to positivity and confidence. It doesn''t do any good if I express any doubts about us. When I had the conversation where we agreed to live in the same city - I approached it with complete excitement and confidence and it worked!

Stick to your instincts and they''ll never steer you wrong.

 

[eternaloptimist]

one more thing i meant to note! ha ha - I am definitely not one of those women who is chomping at the bit to have a baby. And I am pretty certain that I want NO MORE than one!!!! Preferably, I would want a child of my own - but I am open to adoption as well - which is something I could do at a later age. Luckily - I am healthy, and I plan on staying as healthy as possible - I work out 3-5 times and take good care of myself.

And I''m definitely not one of those who would push the child issue no matter what and jump through all of the fertility hoops (in-vitro, etc etc) -- I believe that if you can''t have one naturally, that you shouldn''t force it.

I know I''m not ready for it just yet - but ideally sometime in the next 5 yrs. Hmmm - so if my boyfriend and I were to split - by that time - I may be looking at adoption option anyway! ha ha ha I am cool w/ that. I am a bit more laid-back than some.

Your thoughts on the health risks over 35 are worth noting and looking into --- I had not heard the 50% number though - I''d like to research that further.

Anyway - the baby issues isn''t as important to me as the marriage issue. I KNOW I want to be married -- I wouldn''t ever want to be in a Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell situation and i''ve told my guy that time and time again

 

[janinegirly]

i agree with independent.

and it''s true that every relationship is different, but there are some situations which happen over and over again that people can spot the flags. some of us have even been through it and thought the same as you.

FOR years i thought kids weren''t a big deal. That i was laid back and just wanted the right guy and to give him all the time in the world to make sure he wanted to be with me.
Looking back I think i was just scared it wouldn''t happen for me so i convinced myself i was ok with whatever the guy was ok with. Overtime, i came to realizations. Yes I wanted kids! Yes I wanted to be married and have the traditional wedding! And why shouldn''t I? Of course I''m not a demanding girl..but after several years, it''s time to have self respect too and stick up for what you want. The point is--you want the decision whether or not to have kids to be YOUR own. Not made for you because your bf took 2 years too long to figure out what kind of future he wanted with you.

At 35, you should still be able to have healthy kids without problem btw..i have plenty of friends who have (and i hope to too!).. But ti''s true that after that point, it gets more difficult. Also, there''s no guarantee that enagement and marriage and being ready to have kids will happen back to back either--who''s to say your bf won''t need time on that too. I got lucky in that after engagement things have been on MY timeline (ah sweet revenge..haha).

Anyway, I''m being very long winded, but to answer earlier questions, yes we stayed together after i gave my bf a timeline--in fact we were living together at that point. I agree ultimatums can backfire, so i guess i gave more of a timeline. He eventually took his sweet time on that too, so I reached a breaking point and was rawly honest with him...about what this was doing to me and what i needed in order to stick it out. He at that point got it and proposed shortly after. I wish it didn''t have to come to me reaching that point which is why i advise being v. upfront and getting specifics sooner than later. Even if it''s him saying he can''t tell you for sure--you just need to now where he is know, and where he seems himself in the immediate future. Dont'' wait until you''ve reached breaking point, and are 34 and resentment starts to kick in.

 

[eternaloptimist]

I appreciate your frankness and sharing your experience. I too, also agree to sticking to my guns and you have to stay true to what you want. We''ll see what happens. I do believe everything happens for a reason - regardless of the outcome.... no matter how scary it may seem...

It does help atleast that my roommate is single right now. No, my boyfriend and I don''t belive in living together before marriage. We are traditional that way. It also helps that I have several other girlfriends who are in relationships & unmarried (in their 30''s as well) and we are able to lean on one another --- don''t know what I''d do w/ out my girlfriends'' support - it is the best!

 

[whenharrymetsally]

Hang in there! I am a mid 30''s LIW. I am 34 and he is 36. We have been together for 8 years now and just this year have been looking at rings. He has always told me that he is committment phobic and never saw himself married as he came from a divorced family and did not want to make the same mistakes they did. I had resigned myself to the fact that he would never comitt and had accepted the fact that we may never have children. However, I have discovered that men will surprise us. Out of the blue he began asking me about rings, what i would like, how big, etc.. I find that they tend to let us believe one thing while totally thinking another. I almost think it is their way of protecting themselves and not putting themselves in a corner. Mind you this does not apply to ''all'' men of course. But i know quite a few of them that will all make the ''right'' decisions in their own time. I think they like to believe and feel that they make decisions on their own without any ''push'' from family or signifant other.

Hang in there I''m sure it will all happen in good time!

 

[decodelighted]

Can I ask why you''re against living together?

IMO it really helps smooth out the first year of wedded "bliss"!

I never lived with a significant other until we''d discussed engagement & the ring was ordered ... he moved into the home I already owned a couple months before the actual engagement ... but then that gave us OVER a year of living together before we walked down the aisle.

I can''t even stress how important that was for us. Being both in our thirties as well -- a bit set in our ways ... it took quite a bit of work to get used to being in the same space. KNOWING that you''ve jumped those huge relationship hurdles BEFORE committing was a big help to my nerves about getting hitched. I really wasn''t sure I could do it (i.e. -- get used to another person in the same space). When it turned out a-ok, even enjoyable ... I was so much more calm about "the future". Our ability to work together ... our ability to negotiate & compromise & co-exist.

Lately a few new brides that DIDN''T live together have detailed their own rocky months of adjustment. Just a thought. "Traditional" is great & all ... but so is "practical".