A Slightly Sick Request

I will indulge you. I found out then-bf was planning to propose to me around our one year anniversary. I wasn't ready and told him so. He had stealthily purchased a surrogate ring to propose with so that we could pick one out together after the proposal. Since we weren't getting engaged anytime soon, he gave me that ring for my birthday instead. A month later, I change my mind. I badgered him about when he was going to do it. Then I got a proposal that I still perceive to be half-baked and resentful of to this day. (It's terrible, I know. I just can't let it go. Rationally, I know it's the thought and the marriage that counts, but I just can't stop resenting how awful it was. UGH.) He proposed with two rings that he picked up from his mother (an upgrade from fashion jewelry, but not quite fine jewelry), neither of which fit, at a location I found pretty meaningless, in front of his friends. (I sound so painfully bratty and entitled and pathetic that I can't even believe that I'm writing this for the second time now. I am happy and a reasonable person otherwise, but reliving the proposal just kills me. If I had to psychoanalyze myself, I still probably hang around here to bask in the feeling of the proposal that I never got.) I now mentally kick myself for 1) panicking and then 2) changing my mind and then badgering him about it.

Give him a chance to plan something meaningful for you.

Mogster - Thank you.

I know it's important and it helps to have another woman reiterate that. I REALLY appreciate you sharing your story with me. And I'm so sorry your proposal felt the way it did.

You know, about you changing your mind after your initial discovery - I think it's so strange and difficult for women, who in this modern day are rightly in charge of every major life change - except the moment of engagement. For women who have no idea that the proposal is coming - I'm not sure how/why everyone expects them to hear *that question* and immediately, without pause or hesitation, say yes. I assume all of our SO's considered the prospect for months - it's only fair that we should be allowed to think it over if we haven't had a chance to yet.

SS

Eek, SS, I don't have any stories for you, except that I know exactly where you are! I am very much a planner, and being a full time student for the next two years PLUS at least a 4 year residency does not make life very flexible. As much as I want a proposal sooner rather than later, I don't want to take the "manliness" of the proposal away from him. He finally agreed to let me be involved with the ring selection, and I really don't want to push my luck further! I guess all I can say is to try to be as empathetic as possible, and try to put yourself in his shoes of being the one to plan a proposal, knowing that his girlfriend (you) will remember it forever and will want to brag to all her girlfriends and family about how perfect it was. It's these times where patience is definitely a virtue, and you're definitely NOT alone in this!!

I didn't ruin my proposal, but I did make the whole process a little (maybe a lot) painful for my fiancé. We have been together for 6 years, and there has been much talk, pestering and pressure about the ring requirements. I think that all of this took away a little from his enjoyment of the process. This is his one mating dance. He is the bird, and he has to woo you with this one big dance. And he also likely hears about all the other bird dances of family and friends. So not only does he likely feel he has to wow you with the dance, he also has to outdo all the other bird dances! That is an immense amount of pressure. Take my advice and don't add any more. Just enjoy his dance!

My fiance had the ring for 2 and a half months before he proposed. I don't really know why he waited so long. Some days it was OK and some it was completely maddening. I gave him a "deadline" which was that I wanted to be engaged before the next wedding we were attending. I didn't mention much about the proposal for those 2.5 months (thinking that if he heard me talking about it that it would prolong the wait) until we passed the weekend before the aforementioned wedding deadline. At that point because I figured he would propose over a weekend and due to the wedding I figured the next weekend was out, I came to the conclusion that he wasn't going to meet the deadline. So that Monday morning without going ballistic I said "hey the weekend is over and I'm pretty unhappy that I have to go to yet another wedding next weekend as a single lady". Luckily he got the hint and pushed the proposal up to that night which DEFINITELY caught me by surprise if that's what he was trying to do haha.

During the wait I bought a RHR because I couldn't wait for a ring (any ring) any longer and I came to find out that annoyed him. I'm not sure if it caused him to prolong the proposal or not. I found out after the proposal that he was tossing around more extravagent proposal ideas than what he ended up doing, but his plans kept falling through. I'm the one who does all the scheduling of things we do, so I think he was having a hard time finding the time to propose without me suspecting. Silly him since once I knew he had the ring I NEVER stopped thinking about it...

Thank you for sharing your stories! This does really help to put me back in perspective.

While I can't think off-hand of any stories like you are looking for, I CAN tell you that if one thing should make you want to wait is that EVERYONE is going to want to hear the story of how he proposed to you. Do you want to have to tell a story over and over again that is lackluster and will remind you of the pressure you put on him every time you retell it?

I gave my FI a looongg time to be ready to have my beautiful ring made how I wanted it and to plan a proposal that was meaningful to us. I was not dissapointed. This past weekend we went on a double date with his cousin and his cousins new girlfriend and she said that she was "enraptured" by our engagement story. THAT was why I never pressured him other than a remark that I wanted to be engaged by our upcoming anniversary (after starting the ring process a year earlier) so that we could have a lovely story to tell our families, friends and future children.

I promise you that you are strong enough not to obsess over it. In fact, if you act carefree and start hanging out with your friends more often and be a more independent woman, it might just make him notice and kick start his plans. You never know!

Rebecca has a really good point. I am a girl who may have thrown the occasional fit about the wait - we started looking last May, bought in August, got the ring in sept,and then got engaged at the end of jan.

There was one night when we were somewhat drunkenly heading back to our apartment from the metro (we had been at a happy hour), and I brought it up for like the hundredth time, and my SO was like "fine! Is this what you want??" and dropped down on one knee on the street and legitimately started to propose. But then he stopped himself and was like, "no, we can't do it this way. You will be disappointed with the story and then you'll be mad at me forever for not giving you a good story."

I hadn't given that aspect much thought before then, but Rebecca (and my now fiancé haha) is (are) totally right. My SO ended up proposing kind of publicly at a very belated secret Santa gift exchange/party with my best friends. So those girls didn't need to hear the story. But friends, coworkers, family, my fiancé's coworkers ALL wanted to see us and everyoneeee was spoke to for probably like 1-2 months after wanted to hear the story in excruciating detail. I loved how my fiancé ended up proposing, because I was completely caught offguard and hadn't thought that would be possible. So I enjoyed being able to tell people a story I was proud of that made them say "Awwww" rather than "I drunkenly coerced him into proposing without the ring in hand on the street." (actually we were in an empty parking lot, which prob is worse haha.

Even though it feels like it's taking forever - trust me, I know! - once it happens all of that seems like it was in the distant past. The first few weeks were such a fun whirlwind! You will love every second! And you have to actually start planning a wedding which kind of sucks because they are so freaking expensive! (jk, I mean, it's fun, it's just so pricey!)

As much as it sucks, he WILL propose! And it will be fab! Don't push him into a subpar proposal! Good luck!