A girl needs proposal/ timing adivce!

[the_open_sea]

Hi everyone!

Okay, I''m new here, but I''ve been lurking for a while and it seems like everyone gives pretty sound advice. I want to know what you all think of my situation.

I am a junior in undergrad, hoping to go to medical school. My SO is currently taking a year off school to do some stuff with the national guard, but he has already graduated and is on his way to law school autumn ''08. I''m 20, he''s 23. Basically, he would start law school my senior year of uni, and his last 2 years of law school I will (hopefully

) be in medical school. After that, he''ll be working while I''ll be in school for another 2 years, then residency, blah blah. On the more personal level, we''ve been dating for about 2 years and have been serious from the start. Lately we''ve been doing some light shopping around for engagement/ wedding rings, just getting an idea of what we like, confirming that we want matching rings, etc.

So.

First of all, should I propose to him? He and I have talked pretty heavily about getting engaged and are totally sure it''s what we want, and he has said several times (b/c I have outright asked him) that he thinks he might prefer it if I proposed. BUT lately he''s said a few things like, "What am I going to do with you? How am I going to know when to propose?" Agh mixed messages! What does this mean?? What does he want?

Second, is the timing right? I really want to get married the summer between my undergrad and medical school. I figure about a year to plan the wedding, and tack on a few mos. to enjoy being engaged w/o having to do anything, and the ideal engagement time would start around Feb/March ''08. But would the time of the wedding be too much of a hassle with his law school? I don''t know anything about law school. At the same time, though, I don''t want to wait until we''re both in our professional careers - I''d be 28 and he''d be 32!! That''s a 10 yr relationship that isn''t going anywhere!

I need so much help, everyone. What do you all think?

 

[Hera]

Well it sounds like you know exactly what you want so it sounds like you need to find out what he wants. And by that I mean asking him what his timelines are. You sound like you both want to have the ultimate goal of getting married so sit down and compromise with the timeline.

I don''t think it''s a good idea to ask him directly if he would prefer you to propose (did I catch that right?) I think his mixed messages are a way of telling you that he doesn''t want you to propose. Some guys need to take some time and do it when they feel ready. I kind of think he sounds overwhelmed. You both have a lot on your plate with university, National Guard,med school,law school.

I''m sure once you start talking and he starts feeling a little more relaxed about getting engaged that it will all work itself out in time.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Personally I would wait until he was out of law school. My BF is currently attending law school and just started his second year. I have to tell you, It is STRESSFUL! We both would love for an engagement/marrage to happen now, but I feel like it would be too much pressure on both him and us as a couple... (plus, we don''t want to get married with him still being financially dependent on his family) Might as well wait another two years- as difficult as that wait can be at times!

My suggestion would be wait until he gets a taste of law school to decide on when the right time to get married is. It''s hard to determine wether it would be too much to get married while he is in law school when he just doesn''t know yet how school will be for him. Discuss it together after you both are in your respective programs and decide what path you both should choose.

I hope I was of some help. Good luck to you both. It looks like you both are entering into an exciting time!

 

[bee*]

I''d hold off proposing too until you have a proper conversation with him and find out is he happy to get engaged now and what he thinks of getting married while he''s in law school. Also can you afford to get engaged and married while you''re both in college? If it were me, I would probably wait until he''s finished law school also. I''ve been with my bf since I was 17 and Im nearly 26 now, and Im happy that we waited until now to get engaged. We''re more in love than ever and we both have our own careers going also. I went back to college again also but work full time also. Even if you don''t get engaged/married until you''re both finished college, it doesn''t have to be a 10 year relationship that isn''t going anywhere-once you are both happy and in love, then it''s a relationship that is going towards something, you''re just getting the rest of your life in order too. I know it''s so annoying to hear people say it, but there really isn''t a huge rush and sometimes it''s better to get other things lined up first.

 

[Independent Gal]

I'd definitely hold off on proposing until you've sat down and seriously talked through all the challenges and issues you're going to face, made sure you're on the same page with money, debt (from school, e.g.), living apart for school, having kids (when, how many, taking account of the madness of your life over the next years... and the debt) and all that other serious stuff. You're looking at impending MAJOR stress for both of you (never mind law school, do you know how crazy med school's going to be?) and possible multiple relocation-related relationship-traumas. You're both likely to change a lot, too.

I'm not saying you're too young to get married by any means, but how a relationship works when you're in college and how it works 'in the real world' can sometimes be very different. Especially with all kinds of new stresses and a likelihood of having to live apart for a long period of time in terms of where you go to med school / where he's going to law school... then your various placements, his clerkships, etc... that stuff can be very difficult to coordinate geographically. Are you ready for that? For YEARS of that? Are you ready for the fact that one or both of you may have to make big career sacrifices because of it? Is HE seriously ready for that too? You have to be EXTRA sure you're both on the same page, that you can deal with the inevitable sacrifices without resenting each other.

So, the two of you should consider having some long serious, 'reality-check' talks before you uh, jump the gun. I have a friend who didn't really talk all this stuff through, who got hitched at 21. Her husband didn't want kids at that age, but now, 8 years later he does. She still doesn't. Her husband thought he'd be flexible career-wise, but now finds he doesn't feel that way. So she keeps saying 'WHO THE HECK LET ME GET MARRIED AT 21!!!????' and her marriage is basically over.

There are PLENTY of people that age who are really ready to get married. You just have to make sure that you two are among them. That means talk talk talk talk talk EVERYTHING through. THere will always be surprises, but minimize them if you can.

Hope that helps!

 

[the_open_sea]

Date: 9/11/2007 12:47:20 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I''d definitely hold off on proposing until you''ve sat down and seriously talked through all the challenges and issues you''re going to face, made sure you''re on the same page with money, debt (from school, e.g.), living apart for school, having kids (when, how many, taking account of the madness of your life over the next years... and the debt) and all that other serious stuff. You''re looking at impending MAJOR stress for both of you (never mind law school, do you know how crazy med school''s going to be?) and possible multiple relocation-related relationship-traumas. You''re both likely to change a lot, too.


I''m not saying you''re too young to get married by any means, but how a relationship works when you''re in college and how it works ''in the real world'' can sometimes be very different. Especially with all kinds of new stresses and a likelihood of having to live apart for a long period of time in terms of where you go to med school / where he''s going to law school... then your various placements, his clerkships, etc... that stuff can be very difficult to coordinate geographically. Are you ready for that? For YEARS of that? Are you ready for the fact that one or both of you may have to make big career sacrifices because of it? Is HE seriously ready for that too? You have to be EXTRA sure you''re both on the same page, that you can deal with the inevitable sacrifices without resenting each other.


So, the two of you should consider having some long serious, ''reality-check'' talks before you uh, jump the gun. I have a friend who didn''t really talk all this stuff through, who got hitched at 21. Her husband didn''t want kids at that age, but now, 8 years later he does. She still doesn''t. Her husband thought he''d be flexible career-wise, but now finds he doesn''t feel that way. So she keeps saying ''WHO THE HECK LET ME GET MARRIED AT 21!!!????'' and her marriage is basically over.


There are PLENTY of people that age who are really ready to get married. You just have to make sure that you two are among them. That means talk talk talk talk talk EVERYTHING through. THere will always be surprises, but minimize them if you can.


Hope that helps!

I guess I hadn''t thought of the future in quite that way. I mean, we have talked a bit about what is coming, but I guess not quite seriously enough. One thing is that we both really want to stay in this town for our professional schools, but at some point he''ll have to leave to go and work (we''re NOT living here so he''s NOT getting a job here) and I''ll be here, and then when I get into residency I might not be able to follow him depending on where I go. And so on, I guess. We don''t really know what''s going on with that other than that it''s on the way. That thing with your friend is really sad and pulled me up short a bit.

I thought we''d had all the big let''s-synchronise-our-life-plans discussions already, but I guess not. Sigh.

 

[the_open_sea]

Date: 9/11/2007 10:48:15 AM
Author: bee*

I''ve been with my bf since I was 17 and Im nearly 26 now, and Im happy that we waited until now to get engaged.

How has that been? Did it feel strange to wait for so long?

I know it''s so annoying to hear people say it, but there really isn''t a huge rush and sometimes it''s better to get other things lined up first.

Yeah, it is kind of irritating. I know I love him NOW. But it is better that we make sure we''re prepared for everything down the road.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, hey there! Don''t get too discouraged! After all, you can never be completely prepared, and trying to be prepared is something us 30 year olds have to do too. It''s just that, once out of school, the horizon starts to clear a little more, some goals are already met, it can sometimes be clearer what kinds of sacrifices are worth it to you, etc.

The idea is to go into it with both eyes WIDE open. To see what you''re getting yourself into.

And you can love someone without being married to them.

Even for years, as bee points out! You have the rest of your life to be married. In fact, you can even love someone and NEVER marry them. I loved someone for a few years, whom I knew I wouldn''t marry because of our incompatible goals and dreams. I knew I''d always resent him if I gave them up. We just really ENJOYED each other for a while, then went our separate ways.

Loving someone doesn''t mean you should necessarily marry them. But facing difficulties and challenges doesn''t necessarily mean you shouldn''t marry them. It just means ''proceed wide eyed and with caution''.

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/11/2007 1:18:20 PM
Author: the_open_sea

Date: 9/11/2007 10:48:15 AM

Author: bee*


I''ve been with my bf since I was 17 and Im nearly 26 now, and Im happy that we waited until now to get engaged.

How has that been? Did it feel strange to wait for so long?

I know it''s so annoying to hear people say it, but there really isn''t a huge rush and sometimes it''s better to get other things lined up first.

Yeah, it is kind of irritating. I know I love him NOW. But it is better that we make sure we''re prepared for everything down the road.

Hi again! It really has been fine dating for that long. When I was about 20 also I remember us saying to each other how much we would love to get married now. We knew that there was no way though with money and college etc. So what we did instead was enjoy our college time, we went travelling with our spare money, we went out and had a ball at parties and we generally enjoyed ourselves as much as we could. If you had said to me then at the age of 22 lets get married, I would have said you''d be mad. Things had changed so much in the couple of years. My love for D hadn''t changed as I had done all the travelling and partying with him (and also with mine and his friends).

I know it sounds really trite, but enjoy yourself and your years where you''re not married, especially when you are in college. I was working for a couple of years before I went back to college, and things are different in the working world. You don''t have the same time off to go travelling and having fun.
It''s only the last year that Ive actually wanted to get engaged and now we have our ring and hopefully the proposal will happen in the next month. It''s strange as I look back now and think in my head that I was so glad that I didn''t get married earlier and that it just feels right now that we have our own lives and our own money. Yes we''ve had some bad times throughout the years but we''ve never split up and I think that if we had married, we might have resented each other during those times as we would have had to stay together. Instead we stayed together because we genuinely loved each other.

I know you say that you love him NOW, but that won''t change if you''re meant to stay together. It can deepen and feel even better than you feel now when you''ve had lots of experiences together. If I had any advise at all it would really be to enjoy college and travel as much as you can. Use the money you would use for a wedding and travel-see places together with your love.

 

[anchor31]

I guess I''m going to go against the grain here. Open_sea, our situations are eerily similar in quite a few respects. When I found PS, we were 20/23, had celebrated our 2nd anniversary and had seriously started talking about marriage. My FI (then-BF) was already out of school, but I still had 5 years to go (3 as of now; one undergrad and 2 grad). We got engaged a year later and we are getting married next summer, before I start grad school.

I understand the other (and mostly older) ladies'' points. I''ve also heard them time and again from people around me. But not everyone is the same, and not everyone''s priorities are the same. Some people would not be comfortable with waiting 10+ years until marriage, I know I wouldn''t have been. I could name a few PSers who got married last summer and are undergrad/grad students. They''re making it work, and so are we, so why couldn''t you? I guess it all depends on the priorities and values you and you BF have. I suggest you and your BF have a serious talk about it and decide what it is you two want to have together.

On the other hand, I encourage you to not propose yourself. It''s his moment, let him have it.

Good luck!

 

[Kayakqueen83]

One thing to also consider is the fact that you would want him to get a job in the place where you would want to settle down together, I suppose? And you will still be in Med School at the time when he has to apply for jobs. That might have to call for some long distance for awhile.

I know that is a situation and my BF and I are dealing with now. Fortunately I am done with school so I am not in a situation where I can''t move… but it is definitely still difficult with having to worry about getting a new job…especially when I have just started my career. There are lots of sacrifices you have to make when you have the desire to pursue these educational avenues. Not that it can’t be done, because it can… but it’s not always easy. No matter what, once you make it though, you''ll be proud of yourself and of you two as a couple.

As someone close to your age I’ll say don’t get discouraged figuring out these life decisions. I know it may not be easy but you get to figure out your life… with the love of your life. That’s not bad huh?

Oh and I agree with bee*…travel if you can!!!

Good Luck!

 

[the_open_sea]

Guys!

We had the Talk. Last night. Can you tell I take care of things quickly?

Anyway, I brought up all the things you were saying and he said basically what anchor31 said - that we love each other enough to make it work. We''ve already been through a lot in two short years between school and a lot of personal issues on my part, but it''s only strengthened our relationship. I think he and I just aren''t the type to enjoy our freedom and youth, if that makes sense. We know what we want and we go and get it, end of story. We have fun, but in general we tend to not be big partiers or socialites, and our friends are the same way. The travel thing sounds excellent, though, and really romantic.

Maybe 6 months ago I was the one who wasn''t ready to get married - I just felt too young, I guess - but slowly, over the last little while, I realised that''s what I really want, and definitely before medical school. Does it sound ridiculous to say I''m starting to feel like just being his girlfriend won''t be enough for me?

 

[Miscka]

I dont know what the others will say, but I dont think it sounds ridiculous. I feel the same way some times. I know that we wont be getting engaged ANYTIME soon for grad school issues (different from yours), but I get frustrated because I want so badly to start our lives together. I am impressed that you have already talked to him, and that you feel so comfortable. That is a good sign to me. I guess my advice isnt very helpful, but I think you should just let everything take its course. I would wait and let him propose, and be ready to juggle a lot of school/scheduling/location stuff. If you talk it out in advance, I am a firm believer that you can make it worse. Just dont expect things to always go according to plan. If you have realistic expectations you will be fine. I also understand your point about your priorities, and I think it is a fair point. And I agree with Anchor that some people can wait and be ok, others can''t. Anyway, sorry for rambling, good luck, keep us posted!

 

[anchor31]

If you know what you want and what''s right for you, I say congratulations and good on ya!

FI and I aren''t the partying/socialite types either, and we feel that traveling is something we can do together later as a married couple. Right now, what''s most important for us is getting married. I''m glad to hear that you and your BF are on the same page too.

Your feelings are not ridiculous... I know what you mean. I wish you the best and hope that you reach the goals you''ve set for yourselves.

 

[mimzy]

good for you guys for having the talk. that''s awesome!

one thing though - you mentioned that you definitely want to get married before med school. i''m sure you mentioned this...is he totally on board with it? because if so - that means action should be taken pretty soon! you don''t want to be studying for mcats, wondering if you are going to be married by the time you start school. if you are serious about that, then you need to both agree to that timeline. him knowing that you want to get married before then isn''t enough.

also, if i could offer any advice it would be to plan plan and plan some more. make a plan A, plan B, plan C, and plans D-J just in case. because the other girls are right - things don''t usually go according to plan, and if you two are serious about staying together though all of your professional schools, etc then you need to think out every possible scenario and have a plan for all of them, more importantly make sure that you can live with all of them. just cover as many bases as you can!

 

[Independent Gal]

Good for you for bringing it up and talking it through. The fact that the two of you sat down easily and had an open honest discussion about it, and that you both came to the end of the discussion with resolution and commitment bodes really well. That''s what it''s all about.

If you are both aware of the challenges and ready to do what it takes to overcome them, then that sounds like going in with ''eyes wide open'' to me! It also sounds like he''s ready too from what you say.

In which case... if you think he wouldn''t mind YOU asking... ask away!

Just make sure he''s as willing to make sacrifices for YOUR dreams as you might be for his. Make sure he knows this is going to be up to both of you. But it sounds like he does know this.

Hooray!

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/12/2007 10:57:22 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Good for you for bringing it up and talking it through. The fact that the two of you sat down easily and had an open honest discussion about it, and that you both came to the end of the discussion with resolution and commitment bodes really well. That''s what it''s all about.


If you are both aware of the challenges and ready to do what it takes to overcome them, then that sounds like going in with ''eyes wide open'' to me! It also sounds like he''s ready too from what you say.


In which case... if you think he wouldn''t mind YOU asking... ask away!


Just make sure he''s as willing to make sacrifices for YOUR dreams as you might be for his. Make sure he knows this is going to be up to both of you. But it sounds like he does know this.


Hooray!

Ditto everything here!! That''s great that you had your chat and that the two of you are happy with the outcome! Hopefully you''ll be engaged soon

 

[ringplease]

I think you must have a very mature and good relationship if you have already discussed so much of your future thus far. However, you have a lot of uncertaintly ahead and I would say that life will get much more stressful for you both in the next two years and a lot can change. I am a 3rd year med student doing the long distance thing and it is HARD!!! You may not have a lot of control where you go or where he goes for school and then you may have to do the same thing again for residency and his job. I know it seems hard to put your "life" on hold but I would advise against proposing and just enjoying each other for the next two years.

Just my two cents..

 

[DMBsGirl]

Date: 9/12/2007 3:19:27 PM
Author: the_open_sea
Guys!

We had the Talk. Last night. Can you tell I take care of things quickly?

Anyway, I brought up all the things you were saying and he said basically what anchor31 said - that we love each other enough to make it work. We''ve already been through a lot in two short years between school and a lot of personal issues on my part, but it''s only strengthened our relationship. I think he and I just aren''t the type to enjoy our freedom and youth, if that makes sense. We know what we want and we go and get it, end of story. We have fun, but in general we tend to not be big partiers or socialites, and our friends are the same way. The travel thing sounds excellent, though, and really romantic.

Maybe 6 months ago I was the one who wasn''t ready to get married - I just felt too young, I guess - but slowly, over the last little while, I realised that''s what I really want, and definitely before medical school. Does it sound ridiculous to say I''m starting to feel like just being his girlfriend won''t be enough for me?

Not ridiculous at all! This point comes at different times for everyone. For me, it didn''t come until after grad school and all that other stuff despite being together since we were 18. It''s a personal thing and when you''re ready, you''re READY! It is wonderful that he is on the same page as you, and hopefully you will get your proposal soon!