a bad sign?!!

[dncer228]

hello ladies

it''s been a while since i''ve posted. I hope all is well with you.

had some things come up w/bf of 3 years this past week that concern me (mostly today) so I''m looking for a little reassurance and some insight...

We traveled to Chicago on 5/13/08 (he flew out the week beforehand to celebrate his mother''s b-day and mother''s day with her-I flew out to meet him on 5-13). We had a wonderful vacation and attended his stepsister''s wedding on sat 5-17 before flying home sunday am. The wedding was ok (kind of hillbillyish-they were driking beers in the parking lot prior to the wedding starting) and we did have alot of fun at the reception (he even picked up the garter when it was time for all of the guys to try to catch it-nobody wanted to pick it up off the floor so he picked it up). we danced together for the first time. His family was giving him a hard time about dragging his feet and not wanting to marry me but he assured them he did.

the problems started today when I got up. I was still a little upset from the wedding (I have a hard time attending these things when it''s something I want so badly myself) and not to mention, we went out to dinner with an ex-girlfriend of his (who he is now friends with-talks to her about once a year) and her fiance (lapped again!! she''s only been dating him a month). the dinner was nice but the girl''s fiance kept asking us things like if we lived together,when we were getting married,etc. It''s painful to be asked those things.

I got up today (early at 2p b/c I was supposed to work at 3p-7a). I''m working a ton of overtime right now b/c my wages are being garnished for a bill I couldn''t pay about 4 years ago. they are taking about 350.00 from each paycheck which is killing me. I''m only staying at my apt 4 days a month and pay 900 for it!! It caught up with me today (after spending 3 days being irritated about it) and I mentioned it to him. I said I was getting tired of having to kill myself to try and pay all of my bills (he is still having to loan me money to help cover the rent b/c sometimes even with the overtime, my check isnt enough). He said that in a couple of months things would be alot better b/c my garnishment will be done (by the middle of next month) and I only owe 2k on my car. I argued saying that if I didn''t have the 900 rent payment-my car and garnishment would already by paid off!! He then said that he''s not ready to have me and the kids move in b/c we fight alot (usually over the money situation-nothing else) and if we fought, he''d have to leave.

I started to cry, telling him I felt rejected and I felt like there was something wrong w/me b/c he doesn''t want to commit fully. He said that I was wrong. He said he''s only seen me stressed out, worried,and upset about my bills so he doesn''t know the happy side of me. He wants to make sure that the happy side does indeed exist.

then we started talking about what we were going to do w/the kids b/c school gets out for summer on friday. My 6 year old daughter is already out and Thursdays are my days to have the kids (I share joint custody with my ex). Normally, I come home from work on Thursdays and sleep until 2p when I have to go to school to get the girls. But now since my 6 year old is out, I may have to go straight from work to pick her up and then go home (with no sleep after working 12 hours overnight). My boyfriend will be home but said today (and part of me thinks he said it just b/c he was tired and upset from us arguing) that he doesn''t feel like being my babysitter while I sleep. When he saw how hurt I was by the comment, he then said "I don''t mind you coming over as long as you mostly watch her-I can help some." He then said that the kids weren''t his and it was between me and my ex to decide who watches them. This greatly hurt my feelings too so I got up to walk away. I asked him why the hell he was in a relationship w/a mom and kids if he didnt consider the kids partially his or wanted to treat them like his own. He said he was sorry for hurting my feelings but said nothing else. I told him the truth would come out eventually and everyone would be ten times more hurt in the future if it came out a ready made family isn''t what he wanted and I wanted the truth now and I said I felt like he was dragging his feet. He said he wasn''t dragging his feet and did want those things-just when the time was right and when my bills were caught up and I wasn''t so stressed out. part of me feels like he''s just stalling.

I left for work (now almost 2 hours late) with very hurt feelings.

I don''t know what to think. I want commitment and to be a happy family. any insight would be great b/c I love this man w/all my heart and don''t want to just give up.

 

[FrekeChild]

Honestly, I would walk away.

He isn''t just dating you, he''s dating (figuratively) your kids too. You are a package, and since he won''t accept them, and they are part of the package-you really have no choice but to walk away. I know that''s hard to hear, and I don''t think you''re ready yet, but I think in the end, he will either have to accept that they come with you and take on a father role, or you will have to walk away.

If he doesn''t want them, he doesn''t want you. Period. And hon, it doesn''t sound like he wants them.

 

[KimberlyH]

This all sounds so familiar. Did you used to post under a different name? And the boyfriend likes to race cars on the weekends, or something of the sort, and it bothered you? And he was too distant and there was a laptop somehow involved, like he spent too much time on it?

At any rate, it sounds like being a step-parent is something he is absolutely not looking forward to. This is probably not the best situation for your children, who should be your priority. In short, if I were you, I'd walk.

 

[JulieN]

I''m sorry to say it doesn''t sound like he''s very into your kids.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Sorry to say, but I agree that you should walk away. Bluntly stated: he is NOT step-father material. You have to put your children first. It seems like he wants to enjoy the benefits of having you as a girlfriend without having to commit fully to you and your family.

 

[choro72]

I can understand his point of view about the bills. To me, financial convenience isn''t a good idea to get married, and he is helping you out whenever you need extra money.

My issue will be his comment on your children. His point of view on the situation is unacceptable for a marriage. Sorry.

 

[Jewels305]

I'm sorry about how things unfolded with your BF, and I know it must have been heartbreaking to hear some of these things, especially if they were unexpected.

I looked back at some of yuor previous posts, and I am slightly confused.


In one post you mentioned that you have 2 girls that love your BF to death and that he loves them as his own. This seems very different from what he is saying about the relationship he wants with your kids now, because in this latest post you said he seems unwilling to treat them as his own. https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/going-to-propose.79540/

And in this post, you mentioned that you have 3 girls aged 9, 6, and 2. https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/sweetest-bf-ever.83315/


Hopefully you can clear up this confusion for me, and maybe offer some insight into why his opinion of your kids and his relationship with them seems to have changed so drastically in the last month!

 

[CNOS128]

I have to agree with the above posters. Although it''s difficult to pull yourself out of a relationship with someone you love, I think where children are involved the whole situation changes, and you need to protect them. If you were to marry him, he''d still hold them at a distance and treat them as if they were yours, not his. You''ve been dating him for 3 years, which is long enough for him to know if he wants this family; and when you ask him about it it honestly sounds like he''s just putting you off until later. These "when the time is right" excuses might be okay for some people, but this is a man you''ve brought into the lives of your children and if they begin to depend on him and call him "daddy," and then he decides he doesn''t want the family, it''s your kids who suffer most.

I really don''t mean to be harsh, but I used to work with kids and I''ve seen them develop these intense abandonment issues after their parents'' divorce & dating process.

What does your ex think of this? It sounds like he has the kids most of the time? Is he remarried? Do you get along with him. Don''t mean to pry, but . . .

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/21/2008 11:56:57 PM
Author: choro72
I can understand his point of view about the bills. To me, financial convenience isn''t a good idea to get married, and he is helping you out whenever you need extra money.


My issue will be his comment on your children. His point of view on the situation is unacceptable for a marriage. Sorry.

I agree with Choro. To be in a better position financially is not a great reason to get married. He doesn''t sound like he''s ready to be a step-dad. He might be ready sometime in the future, but he definitely doesn''t sound ready now. I would definitely not be getting married to someone who wouldn''t accept my kids. He''s not ready for you or them to move in, he''s not ready to mind them when you''re sleeping, he doesn''t see him self in this unit at all.

 

[dncer228]

thanks for the advice guys.

for jewels305-yes I do indeed have 3 girls not two!! I was emailing someone about my nieces at the same time I posted my first post and I think i accidently typed in 2 instead of 3. sorry for the confusion. and as far as him treating the kids as his own-he normally does. this is the FIRST time he''s said something like this and I learned why when we talked later this evening-things are much better now.

We ended up talking some more later on this evening b/c he asked me to call him via email and when I did, he could tell I was upset. He asked me what was wrong and I told him he had greatly hurt my feelings (to which his initial response was "why-I didnt do anything wrong." so I told him the next time he thinks I''ve hurt HIS feelings-this is the response i''m going to give him-he then apologized and asked me what was wrong.) I told him the comments made about my kids not being his and him not wanting to help watch them hurt me and made me question our relationship all together.

He then said that he didnt remember saying them b/c at the time, we were both angry w/each other and saying things we didnt mean. So I repeated them for him (I started crying again-anytime someone attacks my kids, it hurts deeply). He apologized profusely saying that he wasn''t trying to tell me he didn''t want to help with the kids and didnt love them.

When we were back east, we didnt really have much relax time-his mom had him busy pretty much everyday either fixing things around the house,running errands, picking up his siblings from school,etc. then when we got back home, that same day we arrived(sunday am)-he spent 2 hours changing the brakes on my car then laid down for an hour before going into work a 12 hour shift. He also worked Monday night and ended up working a 14 hour shift that night. He got up Tuesday and spent all day trying to get the air conditioning in my car to work (it blows hot) to no avail then again went to work. Wednesday-he got up w/me at 2p and fixed the dishwasher b/c it had clogged while we were gone. Me on the other hand, had Sunday and Monday nights off so I got a bit of a break after coming home before returning to work.

He was simply trying to tell me (without being blunt about it-which he should have) that he just wanted some time to catch up and relax a bit since he''s been running non-stop for almost 3 weeks straight. He didnt think he''d be a good babysitter tired and worn out. Right after I left for work after our fight, his sister called him b/c the air in her house stopped working so he had to go fix it and then his car a/c quit too!!he got his car to work again along w/his sister''s air. our family has horrible luck with air conditioners apparently. He said that he felt bad about not watching my daughter b/c he wanted to help and spend time with us both but felt exhausted and run-down. the only reason he fixed his sister''s air was b/c if he didnt, she and her husband would have to stay over at his house and there is no room b/c the kids and I are there on the weekends.

He admitted he said the part of the kids not being his b/c he was angry at me for snapping at him and aplogized, saying it was the wrong thing to say. he said he loves the girls very much and wants to be a part of them growing up. He said he wouldn''t be in the relationship and be around my kids as much as he is or be helping me so much financially if he didnt want to be in it for life. He just wants our living together to be a peaceful experience for everyone and he said it won''t be if my money situation isn''t cleared up beforehand.

So I guess I didn''t stop to look at all the facts and I was quick to take everything so personally but on the other hand, he said some really horrible things out of anger (which he now realizes how much he hurt me). he was worried when I told him it was enough to make me question whether or not we were right for each other and he felt really bad about it. He''s going with me to my daughter''s kindergarten graduation on Friday and wants to take the kids boating on Saturday to the lake.

Thanks for all the advice girls-it''s really hard to maintain a relationship when you have kids and when I really think about it-my bf is a really great guy. he makes sure all of my bills are paid (on top of all of his) and has just recently decided that it''s his job to pay for all of our groceries which we were splitting before. It''s a learning curve for us both to make the family thing happen in a way that is good for us all.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/22/2008 5:44:21 AM
Author: dncer228
We ended up talking some more later on this evening b/c he asked me to call him via email and when I did, he could tell I was upset. He asked me what was wrong and I told him he had greatly hurt my feelings (to which his initial response was ''why-I didnt do anything wrong.'' so I told him the next time he thinks I''ve hurt HIS feelings-this is the response i''m going to give him-he then apologized and asked me what was wrong.)

Hiya, dncer228. I''ve been reading your thread, and I''m sorry, even with your update, I think things sound a bit off. This quoted bit here made me wonder what his excuse was for saying, "why? I didn''t do anything wrong." That''s a really immature way of responding if your partner is trying to explain how he/she is feelings. It''s defensive. And why? You''re entitled to your feelings and have every right (indeed, I''d say you have a responsibility) to voice them in order to find out what''s really going on. So why''d he cop an attitude with you about it?

It also sounds to me like the finances are the main motivator in staying with him, since that''s how you ended your last post:

Thanks for all the advice girls-it''s really hard to maintain a relationship when you have kids and when I really think about it-my bf is a really great guy. he makes sure all of my bills are paid (on top of all of his) and has just recently decided that it''s his job to pay for all of our groceries which we were splitting before. It''s a learning curve for us both to make the family thing happen in a way that is good for us all.

This is all about money: making sure the bills are paid and buying groceries. I agree that finances are VERY important--I stress about mine all the time!--but when you list the reasons why this guy is so great, don''t you think how he plays with your kids or reads to them or bakes with them or something should be a reason? Not just how he pays for stuff?

 

[dncer228]

Gwen

I hope it''s ok that I shortened your name (i''m a horrible speller-lol)

I should mention that yes, it does seem like money is the only reason for me staying but it''s not (my mistake for not pointing out all the other stuff he does for us). He is GREAT with my kids-he helps my oldest daughter with her homework, teaches her how to play her favorite programs on the computer, has spend countless weekends outside playing with the kids (flying rc planes with them, flying kites, taking walks,etc) and is always with me during their cheerleading events or major school functions (he''s even attended parent-teacher conferences b/c he felt like he should be there). He''s watched them for me occasionally before so I could run errands and has even taken my oldest daughter to school.

money isn''t a reason to stay with someone-it''s wrong in my eyes.

I do agree that him becoming defensive was in fact immature and I did point this out to him (but not as bluntly as maybe I should have). I asked him how come when I often try to tell him how I''m feeling, he automatically assumes that''s he perfect and "didnt do anything wrong."? I then made the statement of "next time you tell me I''m hurting your feelings-that''s going to be MY answer". I think this kind of made him realize he was being a little defensive.

paying my bills is great and does show he wants to support me and does love me but how he treats my kids is above all most important.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/22/2008 7:11:59 AM
Author: dncer228
Gwen


I hope it's ok that I shortened your name (i'm a horrible speller-lol)


I should mention that yes, it does seem like money is the only reason for me staying but it's not (my mistake for not pointing out all the other stuff he does for us). He is GREAT with my kids-he helps my oldest daughter with her homework, teaches her how to play her favorite programs on the computer, has spend countless weekends outside playing with the kids (flying rc planes with them, flying kites, taking walks,etc) and is always with me during their cheerleading events or major school functions (he's even attended parent-teacher conferences b/c he felt like he should be there). He's watched them for me occasionally before so I could run errands and has even taken my oldest daughter to school.

Good, good! I know we only ever get a tiny smidge of the whole, big picture on these forums, so it's good to hear the family-type stuff he is doing.

Oh, and of course it is totally fine to call me Gwen! No worries, m'dear.

money isn't a reason to stay with someone-it's wrong in my eyes.


I do agree that him becoming defensive was in fact immature and I did point this out to him (but not as bluntly as maybe I should have). I asked him how come when I often try to tell him how I'm feeling, he automatically assumes that's he perfect and 'didnt do anything wrong.'? I then made the statement of 'next time you tell me I'm hurting your feelings-that's going to be MY answer'. I think this kind of made him realize he was being a little defensive.


paying my bills is great and does show he wants to support me and does love me but how he treats my kids is above all most important.

I think maybe it's a little annoying that he responded to you the way he did, but if you point out to him bluntly that he's doing it when he's doing it, hopefully he will stop. I don't know that telling him you'll do it to him is necessarily the best way to communicate that with him--if you want him to stop doing something to you, it doesn't totally gel to do it to him--kind of a double-standard thing, even if it is just to illustrate your point. My boyfriend, J, used to get really defensive when I'd try to talk about things that upset me--he still does on occasion. But (mostly through trial and error

) we've figured out how to talk to each other without getting the other's back up. And if he does get defensive, I point it out as baldly as I can (because there is no subtlety with J

) and he sees it and we can have a calm, rational discussion about what happened.

 

[goodfun7580]

I''m pretty sure you''re not going to like this advice, but I think its time for you to pull back. Start staying at your place and taking care of your financial responsibilities yourself. I know you said there is more to the relationship than the financial help your getting, but I think its time to stop looking to your bf to come to the rescue. You expect him to take on a lot with you having 3 children and a some financial problems. Take care of business and show him that you can be self-reliant. Whether it works out or not you won''t be relying on him to save you.

 

[Delster]

Date: 5/22/2008 5:44:21 AM
Author: dncer228

He admitted he said the part of the kids not being his b/c he was angry at me for snapping at him and aplogized, saying it was the wrong thing to say. he said he loves the girls very much and wants to be a part of them growing up. He said he wouldn''t be in the relationship and be around my kids as much as he is or be helping me so much financially if he didnt want to be in it for life. He just wants our living together to be a peaceful experience for everyone and he said it won''t be if my money situation isn''t cleared up beforehand.

dncer this bit worries me. I think when people are angry it is more likely that the truth will slip out than that they will say things they don''t mean. When you are angry your filters go down and you blurt out your true feelings I think. That would give me cause for concern.

And even if he genuinely didn''t mean it, what''s to stop him saying things he doesn''t mean to your children when he''s angry? If he can do it when to you, he can do it to them. What if he says to your girls that they''re not really his and so he doesn''t really have to be there for them? Will ''I didn''t really mean it'' be a good enough explanation then?

Please, give it some thought. Hope I''m wrong!

 

[Just_Me]

I, too, would advise you to be very, very cautious.
My best friend was a single mother and dated (now married!) a man who does not consider her "his". It doesn''t change. The little girl is almost 5 now and believe she is starting to be able to tell the truth about everything. It breaks my heart! My friend had the best of intentions. She really thought he would grow to love her as his own. She made so many excuses about what a great guy he was...but it was such a mistake.
Sorry to be so preachy. Just really think it through.

 

[krispi]

Date: 5/22/2008 7:30:22 AM
Author: goodfun7580
I''m pretty sure you''re not going to like this advice, but I think its time for you to pull back. Start staying at your place and taking care of your financial responsibilities yourself. I know you said there is more to the relationship than the financial help your getting, but I think its time to stop looking to your bf to come to the rescue. You expect him to take on a lot with you having 3 children and a some financial problems. Take care of business and show him that you can be self-reliant. Whether it works out or not you won''t be relying on him to save you.

I second this! I think seeing you stand on your own will give him more confidence in you and your relationship and make him feel less apprehensive about having to support you and the kids. It might even encourage him to combine households a little sooner if he sees that you can do it without him. And even if it doesn''t, it will make you feel a lot better about your own situation and you won''t feel like you HAVE to depend on him.

 

[wishful]

I''m sorry but this does not sound good at all.
It looks to me that he''s ok with you but not your kids or your debt, or your life situation.
You''ve been together for three years, he should know you pretty well by now esp. enough to know that you are not always in a stressed out state of mind.

Also if he really was into you to the degree that he should be if engagment and marriage are the next steps (as he claims they are) then he should be SUPPORTIVE of you and be trying to help you out as much as he can. Even if it''s not financially, he can still do things like assist with the kids.

I understand your pain with the financial situation. I too pay $1000 a month to rent a room in someone''s house yet I spend half my time at my BF''s place! I would LOVE to be able to save that $$ esp. since I drive a 13 yr. old pickup truck that''s on it''s last legs! I could afford to make a new car payment with that 1000 a month but I refuse to move in with the BF until we are at least engaged and have a game plan for the marriage.

Marriage is a 100% kind of thing. It sounds to me like he''s being "picky choosey" about what parts of you he is willing to deal with.
If it were me I''d be walking in the other direction and focusing all my energy on getting my life back on track. When the right man comes along he will accept you for exactly who you (and your kids!) are.

Good luck.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/21/2008 9:45:53 PM
Author:dncer228
hello ladies

it''s been a while since i''ve posted. I hope all is well with you.

had some things come up w/bf of 3 years this past week that concern me (mostly today) so I''m looking for a little reassurance and some insight...

We traveled to Chicago on 5/13/08 (he flew out the week beforehand to celebrate his mother''s b-day and mother''s day with her-I flew out to meet him on 5-13). We had a wonderful vacation and attended his stepsister''s wedding on sat 5-17 before flying home sunday am. The wedding was ok (kind of hillbillyish-they were driking beers in the parking lot prior to the wedding starting) and we did have alot of fun at the reception (he even picked up the garter when it was time for all of the guys to try to catch it-nobody wanted to pick it up off the floor so he picked it up). we danced together for the first time. His family was giving him a hard time about dragging his feet and not wanting to marry me but he assured them he did.

the problems started today when I got up. I was still a little upset from the wedding (I have a hard time attending these things when it''s something I want so badly myself) and not to mention, we went out to dinner with an ex-girlfriend of his (who he is now friends with-talks to her about once a year) and her fiance (lapped again!! she''s only been dating him a month). the dinner was nice but the girl''s fiance kept asking us things like if we lived together,when we were getting married,etc. It''s painful to be asked those things.

I got up today (early at 2p b/c I was supposed to work at 3p-7a). I''m working a ton of overtime right now b/c my wages are being garnished for a bill I couldn''t pay about 4 years ago. they are taking about 350.00 from each paycheck which is killing me. I''m only staying at my apt 4 days a month and pay 900 for it!! It caught up with me today (after spending 3 days being irritated about it) and I mentioned it to him. I said I was getting tired of having to kill myself to try and pay all of my bills (he is still having to loan me money to help cover the rent b/c sometimes even with the overtime, my check isnt enough). He said that in a couple of months things would be alot better b/c my garnishment will be done (by the middle of next month) and I only owe 2k on my car. I argued saying that if I didn''t have the 900 rent payment-my car and garnishment would already by paid off!! He then said that he''s not ready to have me and the kids move in b/c we fight alot (usually over the money situation-nothing else) and if we fought, he''d have to leave.

I started to cry, telling him I felt rejected and I felt like there was something wrong w/me b/c he doesn''t want to commit fully. He said that I was wrong. He said he''s only seen me stressed out, worried,and upset about my bills so he doesn''t know the happy side of me. He wants to make sure that the happy side does indeed exist.

then we started talking about what we were going to do w/the kids b/c school gets out for summer on friday. My 6 year old daughter is already out and Thursdays are my days to have the kids (I share joint custody with my ex). Normally, I come home from work on Thursdays and sleep until 2p when I have to go to school to get the girls. But now since my 6 year old is out, I may have to go straight from work to pick her up and then go home (with no sleep after working 12 hours overnight). My boyfriend will be home but said today (and part of me thinks he said it just b/c he was tired and upset from us arguing) that he doesn''t feel like being my babysitter while I sleep. When he saw how hurt I was by the comment, he then said ''I don''t mind you coming over as long as you mostly watch her-I can help some.'' He then said that the kids weren''t his and it was between me and my ex to decide who watches them. This greatly hurt my feelings too so I got up to walk away. I asked him why the hell he was in a relationship w/a mom and kids if he didnt consider the kids partially his or wanted to treat them like his own. He said he was sorry for hurting my feelings but said nothing else. I told him the truth would come out eventually and everyone would be ten times more hurt in the future if it came out a ready made family isn''t what he wanted and I wanted the truth now and I said I felt like he was dragging his feet. He said he wasn''t dragging his feet and did want those things-just when the time was right and when my bills were caught up and I wasn''t so stressed out. part of me feels like he''s just stalling.

I left for work (now almost 2 hours late) with very hurt feelings.

I don''t know what to think. I want commitment and to be a happy family. any insight would be great b/c I love this man w/all my heart and don''t want to just give up.

I don''t even know where to begin. Yes I do. Read carefully all that you just wrote. Then tell me again that your BF ''dragging his feet'' is your problem.

1) You have a host of problems that:
a) are not your BF''s
b) are not of your BF''s making
c) are not your BF''s problems to solve

2) Staying overnight with your BF idoes not constitute commitment between the two of you. It does not mean that you should act like it is your apartment to come and go, doing as you please, bringing your children to stay, etc.

3) Your financial burdens are yours. He is your BF. His name isn''t on the bills. He doesn''t want to take on your debt, and it is not his responsibility to help you with that debt.

4) He doesn''t have to invite you to move in. He doesn''t have to marry you. Presuming a relationship is headed toward marriage, just because you ''stay over'' and act like it''s your home too, is folly. Generalized discussions about ''the future'' don''t count as definite plans.


Now let me take your side of this issue:

1) He has no intention of really welcoming your children into his home (present or future) and accepting them as his own. He just made that clear. They are your and your ex''s responsibility.

2) His telling everyone who asks that the two of you will be married is false. He''s not ready for that step; he''s unsure of you because you have so many needs and problems. He is choosing to distance himself from the ''details'' of your life. That isn''t commitment; that''s installing barriers to real intimacy.

Believe people when they say what they say in the heat of the moment. Usually you are hearing the truth.

 

[Lauren8211]

Man, Holly. Way to tell it straight.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/21/2008 10:47:35 PM
Author: KimberlyH
This all sounds so familiar. Did you used to post under a different name? And the boyfriend likes to race cars on the weekends, or something of the sort, and it bothered you? And he was too distant and there was a laptop somehow involved, like he spent too much time on it?

At any rate, it sounds like being a step-parent is something he is absolutely not looking forward to. This is probably not the best situation for your children, who should be your priority. In short, if I were you, I''d walk.

Yeah! And there was something about a shower (and TMI) and a medical condition involving PMS?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I''m with Holly on this one. I have known two people do well in step families, one as the step mother and one as the stepson. In both cases, the step wouyld NEVER say what your BF did. In fact, there was once a fight between the step mother and the father and he said "well nothing like that comes from my side of the family, it must come from yours". It took her two hours to realize that it couldn''t be her since they weren''t her kids, but she thought of them as such.

In the other case, the step father would do anything for the son, my FI. When my FI was having terrible fights with his mother and wouldn''t speak to her for months, he still talked to his step dad who was so good to them.

In the other step families I know, they got together in spite of the kids and needless to say, things are not happy and the parents rarely stay together.

My point is, you know a good step relationship from a bad and you should be putting your kids first and I don''t think you are.

 

[Bia]

I think it is wise to be careful how we write to one another...especially since none of us really know what is going on in eachother's relationships...apart from this forum.

She was asking if we think its a bad sign. Yes, the way she presented the information, does sound like there could potentially be trouble looming. HOWEVER, that is not to say that their relationship is not heading in the direction of marriage--OR THAT HE DOESN'T WANT IT TO. He might just be spooked by taking on a family that is not his own--3 kids is not 1, or even two. I agree with Holly, that you (dncer228) SHOULD try to be more self-reliant and not expect your BF to come to your rescue, as that IS NOT his job. When you are firmly making plans to unite this relationship (in marriage) then your expectations can include financial ones. Also, I think you are asking a lot by expecting him to take care (babysit) of your children (not sure how often)--that is what babysitters or parents are for. If you have issues with work, then work them out. I understand with three kids it can't be easy, but that is where you, as their mother, have to make choices about what to do for your family--this does not include him.

As their mother, you, of course know that you need to put their needs first, and then your own. When they are grown, you can do what you want. Have the BF be there for you and make sure he is willing to happily fit your children into the equation. If, deep down, you know he is not, then you need move on, for the sake of your kids, and yourself girl! What he said, might have been said in anger, if, as you say, he is "wonderful with them." Just know that there are no compromises in your case, either he accepts you as a unit or he doesn't accept you at all...I am sure you know if he really does.

 

[purrfectpear]

You know it''s all warm and fuzzy and pc, singing kumbaya around the campfire on pricescope but there DOES come a time to be straight, especially when a poster is clearly not seeing the whole picture (remove the rose colored glasses please).

Holly called it. A BF does NOT have the same responsibilities as a FI, and this BF is not willing to be a FI yet. Until he DOES propose (and I would be surprised if it was forthcoming), you must bear the entire responsibility for your family. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Stop thinking he''s the backup, because he''s not. Any help he throws your way is simply that, voluntary help that should not be counted on as ongoing.

 

[TravelingGal]

So glad Holly is around...she saves me a lot of typing while I''m taking care of my newborn...

More later...

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/22/2008 4:58:26 PM
Author: TravelingGal
So glad Holly is around...she saves me a lot of typing while I''m taking care of my newborn...

More later...

I walk humbly in your footprints.

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 5/22/2008 2:43:41 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 5/21/2008 10:47:35 PM
Author: KimberlyH
This all sounds so familiar. Did you used to post under a different name? And the boyfriend likes to race cars on the weekends, or something of the sort, and it bothered you? And he was too distant and there was a laptop somehow involved, like he spent too much time on it?

At any rate, it sounds like being a step-parent is something he is absolutely not looking forward to. This is probably not the best situation for your children, who should be your priority. In short, if I were you, I''d walk.

Yeah! And there was something about a shower (and TMI) and a medical condition involving PMS?

OMG Moon - I was just getting ready to post the exact same response!

 

[icekid]

Date: 5/22/2008 2:43:41 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 5/21/2008 10:47:35 PM
Author: KimberlyH
This all sounds so familiar. Did you used to post under a different name? And the boyfriend likes to race cars on the weekends, or something of the sort, and it bothered you? And he was too distant and there was a laptop somehow involved, like he spent too much time on it?

At any rate, it sounds like being a step-parent is something he is absolutely not looking forward to. This is probably not the best situation for your children, who should be your priority. In short, if I were you, I''d walk.

Yeah! And there was something about a shower (and TMI) and a medical condition involving PMS?

Ding Ding!

dncer228- I hope you take Holly''s sage words to heart.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/22/2008 5:44:43 PM
Author: LAJennifer

Date: 5/22/2008 2:43:41 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 5/21/2008 10:47:35 PM
Author: KimberlyH
This all sounds so familiar. Did you used to post under a different name? And the boyfriend likes to race cars on the weekends, or something of the sort, and it bothered you? And he was too distant and there was a laptop somehow involved, like he spent too much time on it?

At any rate, it sounds like being a step-parent is something he is absolutely not looking forward to. This is probably not the best situation for your children, who should be your priority. In short, if I were you, I'd walk.

Yeah! And there was something about a shower (and TMI) and a medical condition involving PMS?

OMG Moon - I was just getting ready to post the exact same response!

Yeah, I was pretty scared of that thread.

 

[bee*]

Ditto to all Holly said. Do take her advice.