Is altering your wedding ring ok? Need "moral" opinions

[junegirl2010]

Hi all! I am a newlywed of about a month. I was engaged for about two years prior to the wedding.

My hubby proposed to me with an engagement ring that came with a wrap around wedding band he chose all on his own. The only problem, it is yellow gold (and lots of it) and I am not a fan of yellow gold at all. I am a dark olive complection and have never liked the look of yellow gold on me, I feel it blends right into my skin. In fact I always said I didn''t care what ring he chose, as long as it wasn''t yellow...but I realized I never said it to him. I suppose I just assumed he would see that I only wore silver.

Anyway, I love my hubby to death and would never dream of hurting his feelings. So in the last two years I''ve tried wearing other gold jewelry to match in hopes of it growing on me, but it hasn''t and I haven''t been able to get past it. I am looking to have my two rings sautered together now and ran across info on rhodium plating. I was on cloud nine, finally a way to change the color of my ring without getting a new setting and hurting my hubby''s feelings! That was, until I mentioned it to my mother. She yelled at me to the point I could almost cry. She said I was horrible for thinking of doing it and I should cherish the ring exactly as he gave it to me. My opinion is though, that I am the one who is wearing this ring forever & I think I should have a right for it to look the way I would like. I want to "love" my ring not just "deal" with it. I realize the rhodium will have to be redone, possibly often but since it is reversible it''s a risk I''m willing to take.

I was hoping to sit down and talk it over with hubby tonight but now after the talk with my mother, I''m having second thoughts as she thinks I will really hurt him. Any opinions would really help me. I just want to know I''m not being absurd for thinking about asking him if he minds if I plate my ring.
And if others think it is hurtful too, cause I suppose I would rather live with it than hurt him. Also any experiences with rhodium plating would be great too. Thanks in advance!

 

[LadyMaria]

How about considering doing the rhodium plating for a milestone anniversary, like 5 years?

When my husband proposed to me, we were poor college students. The kidney stones I''ve passed were bigger than the original diamond in my ring!

It was even in an "illusion" setting with faceted white gold around it to make it look a little bigger. For our 10th wedding anniversary he upgraded the diamond from microscopic to 0.33 carat, E color, SI2.

Part of me missed my pathetic little diamond since that is the one he proposed to me with. I still have it and it certainly has sentimental value. I''ve never found an anniversary band that fit comfortably under my wedding set, so I thought upgrading the diamond was a good way to celebrate the anniversary.

We just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary and are still going strong, so I don''t think altering your wedding ring will doom your marriage! But waiting until an anniversary might make it a bit more palatable for your husband and your mother.

 

[movie zombie]

you''ve tried....really tried.

i''d try to wait for the 5 year anni as suggested: then i wouldn''t talk to mom but to hubby and see if you can''t work out an upgrade to what you''d really love to have. keep the original as a keepsake for someone to inherit.

actually, maybe talk to him about it now so you can plan and budget together.

mz

 

[junegirl2010]

I see your point, but I was thinking getting it sautered would be a good lead in like: "I''m taking my ring to get sautered and I also heard about this plating service I''m interested in". I feel like if I were to go 5 more years (which would be a total of 7 years with this ring) what''s the point of changing it then? I should really be used to yellow gold by then. And I personally would be more hurt to find that my wife would wait that long to tell me she wanted a different color ring.

The other reason is that my diamond is pretty small too, and he has said for one of our upcoming anniversaries he''d like to upgrade. But my ring itself is pretty thin so I said instead of upgrading, I thought another diamond band would be neat. So if he got me another band and I didn''t tell him my color preference, I''ll have even more gold to have to plate later.

 

[junegirl2010]

I should clarify that. He wants to upgrade to a larger diamond for the same setting. But I would prefer the same diamond I have and to add another band to my set with some small accent diamonds.

So it seems the consensus is it''s rude to bring it up now?

 

[movie zombie]

no, based on your further post re discussion with him....

i like your idea of using the same diamond in a different setting. you can tell him you're sentimental re the diamond....but prefer white metal.

he's already ok with a re-do of some sort for an anniversary: sit down, have the talk and agree which one. how about 5 years from the engagement which would put you just about due now?

mz

eta: no reason why one can't count anniversaries from the engagement date! [and don't talk to your mom about this.....}

 

[LadyMaria]

You could also consider doing it for your first anniversary. That''s not too long to wait.

I bring up the anniversary idea because if he''s willing to upgrade in some way (certainly sounds like he is) then you''ll have some say in the new ring. Then maybe you''ll never have to point blank tell him that you don''t like yellow gold.

If you want to take the approach about getting the rings soldered together, you can take the approach of adding the rhodium planting to protect the yellow gold from scratches and tarnish. The little bit I''ve read on rhodium plating gives one bit of warning though: on a frequently worn piece like a wedding ring, the plating can wear away in as little as two years.

 

[BoulderGal]

I''d talk to your husband about it, perhaps as soon as the next anniversary. I don''t see how rhodium plating while keeping everything else the same changes anything really. I''d also leave mom out of it--you need to be happy with the ring first.

 

[junegirl2010]

I''d better clarify a little further. He is NOT ok with changing the setting. That''s something he wants to keep the same. He only wanted to get a larger diamond but put it in this same setting (not sure that would even be possible). So rhodium dipping is my only option.

And timeline wise. We we''re engaged for 2 years and have been married one month. So 5 years from our engagement is still far off in the future. Sorry for the confusion.

 

[junegirl2010]

I think there''s also some confusion that I don''t like my ring or something. I DO like the setting and wouldn''t want to change it, especially because it is what he chose for me. I just strongly dislike the yellow gold color. If it were white gold it''d be perfect. That''s why I think rhoduim plating would be the perfect solution and I don''t see why I''d need to wait to do that. Sorry things got so confusing in my posts.

So really my question is, is it wrong to change the color. That''s all.

 

[movie zombie]

not in my book it isn''t. but then i''m not your husband. you won''t know until you talk to him.

mz

ps personally, i believe in making sure what i get is what i wanted in the first place. yes, i know its too late and you told everyone but him: but men are clueless and need to be point blank told. this is a hard learning lesson. sorry it was with something as important as your setting.

 

[junegirl2010]

Thanks everyone for your input.

I tried asking him tonight in the nicest way possible. He said no, he didn''t want me to change the ring he gave me in any way.

I''m so frustrated, I thought I found a great solution. And hubby and my mom both tell me to basically "suck it up" and like it. It kind of makes me feel like what I want doesn''t matter. I hope I''m not coming across as immature, but I feel like I''m being treated as a child. That''s normal for my mom, but not hubby haha! So is that it, I just have to give up and deal with yellow gold? I can''t think of another answer or compromise.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 6/28/2010 11:38:57 PM
Author: junegirl2010
Thanks everyone for your input.

I tried asking him tonight in the nicest way possible. He said no, he didn''t want me to change the ring he gave me in any way.

I''m so frustrated, I thought I found a great solution. And hubby and my mom both tell me to basically ''suck it up'' and like it. It kind of makes me feel like what I want doesn''t matter. I hope I''m not coming across as immature, but I feel like I''m being treated as a child. That''s normal for my mom, but not hubby haha! So is that it, I just have to give up and deal with yellow gold? I can''t think of another answer or compromise.

Can you look at this as his gift to you and something he wants to remain the same way that he gave it rather than as his not caring how you feel? Then one day you can buy yourself all the jewelry in the world that is your own taste. That''s what I do. My husband knows nothing about it. I keep him in the dark as much as possible . As an old married woman, I wish you a lot of luck!!!

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

 

[Imdanny]

I'm sorry your conversation with your husband didn't work out the way you wanted.

 

[junegirl2010]

I think I''ll keep brainstorming for a compromise. In a way I''m upset with the jewelry store. Maybe it''s a regional thing, but we are in our mid twenties and where I live yellow gold is considered very dated by most people in our age group. My hubby went into the store completely clueless and this is the ring the jeweler suggested, I would think she would have been up on the trends.

I could deal with it better if it had been just normal shaped gold bands. But with the wrap around style, there''s a giant section of wavy yellow gold on the wedding band that wraps completely around the stone of the e-ring. I think that''s why it didn''t bother me so much until I had to start wearing the wedding band. It''s the band I really don''t like (now if it were white It''d be ok).

I guess the part I can''t wrap my brain around is I would NEVER want him to wear something that wasn''t in his taste. Even if I thought he would love it when I picked it out. I would think what''s most important is for him to have something he loved, especially if it was forever.

Thanks for letting me vent! And anymore ideas are still greatly appreciated!

 

[february2003bride]

Junegirl- I am so sorry

First, please post a picture of your wedding set. I''d love to see it, as I''m sure it is beautiful.

Second, your mom needs to butt out

Third, a few posters on PS have used the tv analogy on their DH''s for them to understand wanting something different. What if you bought your DH a TV (or car, or whatever else) as a surprise. And he was SO excited that you did this for him, but it wasn''t exactly what he wanted. Maybe he wanted it to have xyz feature, or it to be bigger. You would want him to be happy especially since it was such a high priced item, and would gladly exchange it for the one that he really wanted. Your ring is no different.

Reading your posts though, I''m a bit confused. Do you want a new setting for your diamond? Or a new wedding band? Or both of them changed? Rhodium plating over yg can be a good option, but it does require a bit of maintenence. You''ll probably have to plate it ever 6 months or so. The ring is on YOUR finger, you should be happy with it. Of course take your DH''s feelings into account, but there has to be a compromise in there somewhere. Personally, I would push your DH on the rhodium plating when you get your rings soldered and not as a 5 year anniversary gift. If he wants to upgrade your diamond, THAT should be your 5 year gift!

On the flip side, yellow gold is beautiful and more and more women are choosing it. Jennifer Aniston pretty much only wears yg, Katy Perry''s new e-ring is yg, Megan Fox just got married, and I believe her wedding band is yg as well! Do a search on yellow gold threads and you''ll see many gorgeous yg rings here! But even if you change it, I do hope your post pictures of your set.

 

[RaiKai]

I don't think this is a moral issue, or an issue of whether it is o.k. or not. Many women change their settings, stones, or get new ones and so forth. I think whatever one chooses to do is fine as long as it works for the couple. It does not say anything about the strength of their marriage or the like!

This is, however, an issue where you are not happy with your ring, and your husband does not like the idea of you changing it at all it seems. I will leave your mom out of this, because, quite frankly it is none of her business what you and your husband agree to or not and her judgments are for her to own, not you. She was over the line in my opinion. You should NOT feel like crap for not being delighted with your ring. You can't force yourself to like yellow gold if you just have never liked it and do not like it against your own skin!

While it is cases like this that remind why one should be pretty informed about their partner's tastes if they want to keep it a total surprise and are not open to their partner changing it....or that something should have been said almost right away about it...it is a bit late for that now!

While I do appreciate some people are very sentimental about settings or stones, I honestly do not quite get why your husband is opposed to plating it. Even if he is sentimental, it does not change the RING, it's just a thin coat of rhodium over top! Did you explain the rhodium plating process to him? Maybe right now he is feeling a bit awful or like it is a personal attack against him or his taste. I imagine he put a lot of effort into the ring, has thought for the past 2+ years you really loved it, and now is being told you don't like it. It might take some time to warm up to the idea and be more open to a solution together. Maybe, I am hoping?

I think a new band for an anniversary is a great idea. But I would suggest you specifically tell him you would like white gold (or platinum/palladium one if you like)! Maybe even a 5 or 7 stone anniversary ring, and then you can wear that on its own and move the engagement ring to your right hand?

I guess I just don't understand why someone would be against you wearing something you LOVED and instead say you had to stick to what you really did not. My DH loves his wedding ring and is complimented on it all the time, but if he woke up tomorrow and wanted something totally different, I would be totally on board and excited to help him find a new one.

FYI, I never had an e-ring, but a month or so after my wedding realized I did not want to wear my wedding ring every single day...while sentimental it just is not that comfortable to wear and it was not quite what I wanted to wear on a daily basis - it is pretty but I was not head over heels about it - despite having chosen it myself! So I talked to my husband. While he was also sentimental about the ring he put on me on our wedding day, he cared far more about me enjoying the ring I was wearing everyday. Initially he was a bit hurt, but he was hurt as he felt I had not told him earlier, or that he had been left out of the process (i.e. me thinking of changing it). He really had not, as it was a rather gradual thing, but immediately he relaxed once he felt included in the process. Being open and honest about things is VERY important to us, and we each recognize neither is seeking to "hurt" the other, and we are responsible for our own reactions to each others feelings and so on. And I listened to what elements he would like to see in a new ring (i.e. he still preferred I kept the sapphire and diamond theme we both had going on which was fine with me!). I shared setting ideas with him and he gave me feedback. So in the end I bought myself a new wedding set (and DH put my new rings on my finger). After it was done he even told me I could buy myself new wedding rings as often as I liked, as long as I kept buying them from my tax returns, ha! So my husband was very encouraging, and both my own mother and MIL were totally on board and excited when they heard. My mum said something like "it is not like you want to change the husband!" and my MIL said something like "well, that is just fine! You should get a new ring, as you should love your ring! You can always wear the original on anniversaries or something!". I still wear my original ring time to time, or when my rings are being cleaned or I am doing something where it might be risky to wear them. At those times my husband does like to tease me about how I must feel sick as I am having to wear such a "horrendous" ring (ha ha). I also get compliments on my original ring often when I wear it for whatever reason as above, and if DH is there he and I like to exchange a few giggles about it.

Anyway, I just told you that story as I want to show not everyone reacts the same way and there is nothing wrong about not feeling delighted about your ring. And that maybe your husband right now is reacting to the hurt, and you just need to really listen to why he feels adamant about NOT changing it, and share with him why you do want to change it. If you do a search on PS (i.e. "I hate my ring", "disappointed in my ring" I bet you can find some similar stories of women who were not over the moon about their partners choice - I have read them on here!).

 

[Fly Girl]

After 34 years my DH is on his 4th wedding band, and I have two different ones that I regularly wear. Switching wedding bands isn't a moral thing. In your case, I'd give it some time for feelings to subside. Just drop the subject for now because it really, really isn't worth fighting about. And no talking to mom about it. No need to wear your other jewelry in yellow gold or try to like it. Keep wearing the white metals that you love in other jewelry. I agree that some anniversary soon you both can pick out a nice anniversary band for you. I would not advertise this in advance to DH, but you could easily end up wearing that instead of your wedding set.

 

[PinkTower]

I think you mentioned the ring was very thin. My yellow gold ring was also thin. Eventually, it become sharp on the back side of my finger. We replaced it for that reason last year. So, eventually you will be replacing the band, I imagine. I believe I have read on here that platinum just sort of moves around, but gold actually wears away. When my engagement ring became too sharp, and I had it replaced, I chose platinum. That meant my wedding band was the wrong color. I just had it dipped. It never even occurred to me to ask if it was okay with anyone else. So, have heart, eventually, you will get the color you want. Also, people will tell you that the dipping has to be redone quite often. I think that may have something to do with the quality (Thickness?) of the rhodium. Mine has been fine now for two years, and the cost is modest when it eventually does have to be redone.

 

[Imdanny]

Date: 6/29/2010 8:03:11 AM
Author: junegirl2010
I think I'll keep brainstorming for a compromise. In a way I'm upset with the jewelry store. Maybe it's a regional thing, but we are in our mid twenties and where I live yellow gold is considered very dated by most people in our age group. My hubby went into the store completely clueless and this is the ring the jeweler suggested, I would think she would have been up on the trends.


I could deal with it better if it had been just normal shaped gold bands. But with the wrap around style, there's a giant section of wavy yellow gold on the wedding band that wraps completely around the stone of the e-ring. I think that's why it didn't bother me so much until I had to start wearing the wedding band. It's the band I really don't like (now if it were white It'd be ok).


I guess the part I can't wrap my brain around is I would NEVER want him to wear something that wasn't in his taste. Even if I thought he would love it when I picked it out. I would think what's most important is for him to have something he loved, especially if it was forever.


Thanks for letting me vent! And anymore ideas are still greatly appreciated!

Yes, I have some ideas if you really want to hear them.

I wouldn't give up if I were you!

I'd keep talking about it... for a year, or a year and a half, or two, or however long it took!

I'm serious.

He might not see it your way now, but I believe you are right. I believe you should have your way.

People can change their minds about this kind of thing. I've seen it happen.

 

[jenbuggy85]

Imdanny said "I wouldn't give up if I were you! I'd keep talking about it... for a year, or a year and a half, or two, or however long it took! I'm serious.
He might not see it your way now, but I believe you are right. I believe you should have your way."





Or, you could just slap him in the back of the head and let out a "I DO WHAT I WANT!"

I do that with my husband...works all the time!! Not kidding

Sorry, this thread was making me sad

Hopefully somebody will laugh at my post...lol!




Ps. Awesome advice Imdanny!!

 

[PinkTower]

Date: 6/29/2010 11:55:33 PM
Author: jenbuggy85
Imdanny said ''I wouldn''t give up if I were you! I''d keep talking about it... for a year, or a year and a half, or two, or however long it took! I''m serious.

He might not see it your way now, but I believe you are right. I believe you should have your way.''






Or, you could just slap him in the back of the head and let out a ''I DO WHAT I WANT!''

I do that with my husband...works all the time!! Not kidding


Sorry, this thread was making me sad

Hopefully somebody will laugh at my post...lol!

I know y''all are semi-joking, but I have to wholeheartedly agree with you!!! As I said, it never even occurred to me to ask if I there was a problem with my dipping my ring with rhodium. I just did it. It has not changed the ring anymore than getting dirt on the ring changes the ring itself. It will come off. I don''t see the emotional and moral aspect of this, as you titled your post. Perhaps because I was robbed at gunpoint of my first set of rings, but I see them as material objects. I think your mistake was to "ask permission."





Ps. Awesome advice Imdanny!!

 

[Circe]

Oh, honey - altering your ring is fine. I wouldn''t, say, trade mine in without mentioning it to my husband, but cleaning/soldering/wearing with a spacer/wearing on another hand? Those are all comfort issues for the person wearing the ring. And it is a gift: once it''s given, it''s sort of up to the person wearing it.

Heck, for that matter, you could in good conscience point out that the engagement ring is a gift: the wedding ring is a joint purchase representing your union. You don''t mind the e-ring, so you could dip the wedding ring, and call it a day.

More seriously ... you said that when you talked to him about it, he expressed the preference that you leave it as-is. Did he say why? Does *he* like how it looks on you, does it match his band ...? All of those are points that can be countered.

Bottom line, the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. As the end of the day, this is just jewelry (blasphemy on PS, I know!) and it''s not worth being upset over. Tell him that you love him, love how much thought he put into it, and love IT ... but you don''t like yellow gold, so you need to change that (and, p.s., maybe now he won''t get you YG for future gifts). Good luck, and let us know how it goes ....

 

[lyra]

You know, rhodium plating a ring is a reversible process. It can always be changed *back*. Just FYI.

 

[lulu]

I really don''tunderstand his objection to just plating the ring. The original ring will still be in there.

 

[junegirl2010]

Thanks so much for your responses everyone! I talked to him about it again and although he still wasn''t completely happy with the idea, he told me to do it because he knows that''s what I want. So needless to say it''s in the process of being done as we speak!

I couldn''t quite figure out why it bothered him for me to change it. He said liked that yellow gold was different from what all our other married friends wear. While that''s true, I still couldn''t force myself to like it. And as far as his band, it is platinum... So I don''t know why he wanted me to wear something different but not him haha. At least now our rings will match better too. I think once he sees how much better it looks on me and how happy it makes me, he''ll understand.

I tried posting a before pic but it kept giving me error messages. Once I get some after pics maybe I can try again.

 

[tyty333]

Congratulations!!! You wore him down! I too did not understand his resistance to you having it plated. In all honesty, if it were
me, I would have told my husband that I was having it done (not asked).

If he likes the setting so much tell him you''ll have
it made into a pinky ring for him.

 

[PinkTower]

I am so glad it worked out!!! It sounds like maybe he was just confused. The ring is still intact under the rhodium, just like it would be if you got dirt on the outside, and it is reversible. Another plus is that I am allergic to gold. This helps tremendously with gold allergies. I used to have to swap my ring from one hand to the other every other day to keep my finger from getting crusty and weepy. Hey!!! If you were still trying to reason with your mother over this, you could have told her the rhodium was for medicinal purposes!

 

[junegirl2010]

Pinktower- you said you wear your rhodium plated y/g ring daily correct? I am trying to get an idea on how long the plating will last. The first shop I contacted told me 1-4 weeks, eek! But then I took it to a shop that''s been in business a long time and they were very confident it would last around 1 year. They even offered to do the re-plating for free if it didn''t (a good deal I think). But I am still wondering since I have a job where I do a lot of work with my hands if I need to worry about the plating constantly wearing off if I wear it daily. I''m hoping it''ll be ok.

 

[PinkTower]

I really think it must depend on the quality of where it is done. I have now worn my eternity band-- yellow gold with rhodium plating band rubbing right against a platinum engagement ring every day now for twenty months. It has not shown any wear yet. It was done in the jewelry district in Philadelphia. My jeweler told me to expect it to last a year. I am a Kindergarten teacher, so, yes, I do work with my hands. There are quite a few photos of it on here, if you want to do a search and see it.