Who pays for the wedding...What's the American rule?

[Gypsy]

Interesting point Monnie.

I should add, therefore, that another reason why we paid for the majority of it ourselves is because in DH's heritage, the bride's family pays. And in my heritage the groom's family pays.

We didn't want to deal with dueling cultures so we did our own thing and paid ourselves (with help from families as outlined above).

 

[momhappy]

I was surprised by some of the responses here (following "traditional" rules when it comes to who pays for what), so I did some research. Most current articles that I found (the knot.com, CNN, etc.) said that old rules (like he bride's family paying for the wedding, etc.) no longer apply and those rules are meant to be broken. As I suspected, the articles pointed out that many couples pay for their own weddings (with parental contribution in some form or another), especially if the couple has been living together for a while. I'm sure that this varies from culture to culture, but I don't really feel that people have the same expectations any more. I paid my own way through college and I paid for my own wedding - I would never have "expected" my parents to foot the bill for either of those things as a perfectly capable adult….

 

[NewShiny]

bride's side? groom's side? the newlyweds? 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 ?
My parents paid for about 70% of our wedding. We paid about 20% and my husband's parents paid about 10%.

Did your parents pay for your wedding?
See above.

Did your wedding cost $30k +?
Yes.

How many guests did you invited?
Invited about 150, 120 showed.

Any uninvited guests show up at your wedding?..
One plus a child that was not invited. I am a planner and everyone who knows me knows that. Everyone RSVP'd. It was a seated dinner and there was no problem with the assigned seating.

 

[mochiko42]

I'm Chinese from Hong Kong and my DH is German American from Wisconsin. We had the wedding in Hong Kong. We paid for his mother and sister to fly over, and paid for the wedding reception and lunch BBQ for friends and coworkers. My parents paid for the Chinese dinner banquet for my relatives and parents' friends. We spent just under $30k for rings, clothes and the reception/lunch for 150 people. The Chinese banquet was about $15k for about 130 people.

 

[Dancing Fire]

There will be no rehearsal dinner for our daughter's wedding b/c their planning to go to the county recorder and then have a Chinese banquet dinner a few months later.

You've said that in Chinese culture the groom's family pays for the wedding. So.........................why are you even asking? It seems like you don't have to pay for anything???

Is your daughter's fiance non-Chinese? I need clarification, DF.

He is Singaporean his parants are devoriced, so I don't really know what's going on... His dad is in Singapore and his mom is here in the US.

 

[AprilBaby]

There will be no rehearsal dinner for our daughter's wedding b/c their planning to go to the county recorder and then have a Chinese banquet dinner a few months later.

You've said that in Chinese culture the groom's family pays for the wedding. So.........................why are you even asking? It seems like you don't have to pay for anything???

Is your daughter's fiance non-Chinese? I need clarification, DF.

He is Singaporean his parants are devoriced, so I don't really know what's going on... His dad is in Singapore and his mom is here in the US.

So does that mean there is no fancy wedding, dress or otherwise? What is a Chinese banquet?

 

[Dancing Fire]

There will be no rehearsal dinner for our daughter's wedding b/c their planning to go to the county recorder and then have a Chinese banquet dinner a few months later.

You've said that in Chinese culture the groom's family pays for the wedding. So.........................why are you even asking? It seems like you don't have to pay for anything???

Is your daughter's fiance non-Chinese? I need clarification, DF.

He is Singaporean his parants are devoriced, so I don't really know what's going on... His dad is in Singapore and his mom is here in the US.

So does that mean there is no fancy wedding, dress or otherwise? What is a Chinese banquet?

I think my daughter will wear a wedding dress first and then change into a different dress during the dinner banquet. A Chinese banquet is a 8-9 course dinner meal of Chinese food served to the guests.

 

[monarch64]

There will be no rehearsal dinner for our daughter's wedding b/c their planning to go to the county recorder and then have a Chinese banquet dinner a few months later.

You've said that in Chinese culture the groom's family pays for the wedding. So.........................why are you even asking? It seems like you don't have to pay for anything???

Is your daughter's fiance non-Chinese? I need clarification, DF.

He is Singaporean his parants are devoriced, so I don't really know what's going on... His dad is in Singapore and his mom is here in the US.

This sounds complicated. I think you should tell them to go to the courthouse.

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="monarch64|1404145497|

This sounds complicated. I think you should tell them to go to the courthouse. [/quote]


They are going to the county recorder.

 

[Dancing Fire]

This is our wedding gift to DD..a 1ctw BGD bangle bracelet

 

[Saoirse2]

Pretty bangle
My parents graciously paid for most of it because they wanted our huge family to attend. With my salary and DH's student loans at the time, there was no way we could afford that wedding party for 250.
Hardly anybody follows tradition anymore.

A third sounds about right DF. It is always a wise idea to sit down and figure out who pays for what, so there are no bruised feelings.
From all Singaporean-American weddings I've been to, both families help the couples cover costs.
Bride's family pays for her dress, groom's ring, Ang Pow for bridesmaids (I got $20 twice!) and church fees.
Groom's Family pays for banquet, Bride's ring, transportation and Ang Pow for groomsmen.
Couples pay photography, entertainment, flowers, invites and honeymoon.
Traditional red envelopes with money gifts should help to pay for food expenses
While the tea hour still in vogue, traveling back home to get pictures done for the wedding is sparse among my Singaporean friends from college.

 

[isaku5]

I think that nowadays the costs are divided. There are more and more older first time brides and their grooms who choose what they want, invite the guests that they chose and arrange the whole wedding as they choose.

1963 DH and I had a chapel wedding with only ten guests. All guests wore corsages or boutonnieres paid for my DH to be. The reception was in a private dining room at a wonderful hotel and paid for by my family. Liquor??? Don't even think about it.

!985 Garden Wedding for DD and H2B. DH and I paid for all expenses except the liquor (paid for by the groom's family).

1995 Wedding for DS and DDIL 2B. This time we were the groom's parents and paid for the liquor while newly-weds to be paid for everything else.

1998.......Wedding #2 for DD and second HTB. Since it was the groom's first marriage, he wanted a gigantic authentic Greek wedding complete with bilingual priest. The budget was $30,000!!!!!. There were 300 guests and only six no-shows. When we heard what they were planning, I realized that I couldn't even afford to pay the organist! The liquor - not even close to offering that. The newlyweds-to-be married on February 28 and the reception hall was filled with fragrant red roses imported from some distant country. We had an eight course sit-down dinner with one server for two tables. The height of efficiency - white gloves and all. When I read the menu, I was really surprised - although there were eight courses, each involved a tasting of certain choices -all fabulous! At 10pm the dessert tables were laid out - everything you could possibly crave and more.

DH and I had our first and probably last ride in a brand new Bentley limo (to the wedding) and coming back, we had a Cadillac limo complete with champagne and glasses. One little glitch - a junior bridesmaid with tummy cramps- caused a short stop while the groom rushed her right into a restaurant washroom. I think everyone remembers that part. Then, back to the hotel for pictures.
It was an extravaganza in all respects. Even the weather co-operated - warm and sunny at the end of February

Sorry for the long post, but it's been quite a ride!!!

 

[redwood66]

Oh dear lord. Well....

Engaged in September 24 years ago, started planning fancy wedding with horse drawn carriage, the works, etc. to be paid for by us. Then in February I found out I was 2 months pregnant WITH TWINS! I was not going to be huge as a house waddling down the aisle so we went to Tahoe and got hitched. I had already paid for half the wedding and half the dress. Never did pick it up. Looking back it would have been a bunch more $ wasted anyway because we would rather travel.

We felt we should pay for it because neither of our sets of parents could afford an extravagant affair. My parents did throw a reception that summer at their ranch and I was as big as a house.

 

[Indylady]

I think that most weddings have everyone chip in, parents if they can, and the bride and groom certainly. I think there is really a rule that's followed anymore.

 

[Calliecake]

I was surprised by some of the responses here (following "traditional" rules when it comes to who pays for what), so I did some research. Most current articles that I found (the knot.com, CNN, etc.) said that old rules (like he bride's family paying for the wedding, etc.) no longer apply and those rules are meant to be broken. As I suspected, the articles pointed out that many couples pay for their own weddings (with parental contribution in some form or another), especially if the couple has been living together for a while. I'm sure that this varies from culture to culture, but I don't really feel that people have the same expectations any more. I paid my own way through college and I paid for my own wedding - I would never have "expected" my parents to foot the bill for either of those things as a perfectly capable adult….

I very rarely hear of the brides parents paying for the entire wedding anymore. I recently heard that the average wedding in US costs $28,000. My husband and I had a very small wedding (approximately 30 guests) with dinner at a very nice restaurant in a private room. We paid for everything ourselves. We were both 30 years old and were building our home at the same time so a big wedding was out of the question from a financial standpoint. We did not want to begin our married life with debt from the wedding. I also would never have expected my parents to foot the bill for our wedding.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Dh and I paid for the wedding ourselves, we had about 120 guests, and back in 2000 (with a lunch reception), the total wedding cost was not more than 15K. I was the anti-bridezilla I think my dress was about $200 off the rack, and we did not have a real honeymoon because my MIL was terminally ill at the time we were wedding planning, and subsequently passed away 2 weeks before the wedding.

FIL gave us $10K and my parents $50K AFTER the wedding, and that was put towards our down-payment for a house.

We had quite a few un-invited guests. Dh's family is Korean-american(very non-traditional), and even though we sent out formal invites, it was like a free-for all! Cousins inviting second cousins without asking. Some family brought their kids, but didn't state they were bringing kids, some of Dh's siblings invited their friends (like it was a house party!). Seating chart was a disaster to say the least.

 

[MissStepcut]

My parents and I split the cost for a small (50ish) person wedding. It was under $3k; a brunch in a lovely restaurant, renting out the second floor. We paid the typical brunch price per person and drinks according to what people ordered, which came out quite inexpensively.

 

[ame]

Traditionally it's the bride's family 100%. Modern times it's anything goes, and often equal shares between the couple and each set of parents. DH and I wanted to pay for it all ourselves. Mostly because we wanted total control over everything. My parents were hurt by that, and so we caved, though everyone had a hand in paying for some things. But it led to some serious knockdowndragouts between my mom and I.

 

[partgypsy]

Congratulations on your daughter's engagement!

Hubby and I paid, but then again we eloped.

We lived together for about 5 years before we got married. I don't think my MIL liked us "living in sin" and at some point hinted we could have a wedding in their backyard (their house at the time had a nice backyard with a gazebo) as long as there was no alcohol involved (which I don't think would have gone over with our friends!) so we didn't respond to that.

My parents are divorced. I was in grad school living off a 12K a year stipend and could not afford to pay for a regular wedding, and did not feel comfortable asking either of my parents to contribute, so it made sense to us.

I think the American rule while it used to be the bride's family paid, is really there is no "rule" anymore. Just from observation it seems the wealthier families, the parents are likely to contribute more (and also invite guests) even if on the groom's side, while with other couples, especially ones that are on their own already, or whose parents have modest means, the receptions are more informal with the couple paying most if not all the costs.

 

[mochiko42]

Traditional red envelopes with money gifts should help to pay for food expenses

+1. I'm so glad Chinese culture supports cash gifts instead of toasters and other things I don't have room for in our tiny apartment! The red envelopes really helped offset the cost of the wedding party (not all, but maybe a third).

 

[LaraOnline]

Drinks are definitely paid for by the groom or groom's family!

 

[pandabee]

Interesting point Monnie.

I should add, therefore, that another reason why we paid for the majority of it ourselves is because in DH's heritage, the bride's family pays. And in my heritage the groom's family pays.

We didn't want to deal with dueling cultures so we did our own thing and paid ourselves (with help from families as outlined above).

This is exactly our situation too. We are both mid 20s but we are paying for it ourselves. We have only lived together a year but have careers that I think are established enough that it would be irresponsible to allow our parents to foot a bill for a big reception (plus it's not what either of us wants).

FI actually didn't want a wedding (he'd be happy going to the courthouse) but I want my family there, so we are having family only for a ceremony and dinner on the beach while on vacation/honeymoon. We are loosely planning a celebration dinner when we return so we can celebrate with friends and extended family but haven't hashed out details yet. Mom recently visited family back in Taiwan and my aunts/uncles/grandparents/mom's close friends generously gifted money to us but we were not expecting or counting on that.

All said, including flights, rooms, photography, coordinator, wedding rings, paperwork, dress, day excursions, my budget estimator is saying about 15k.

 

[Dancing Fire]

My FSIL got a little nervous when he heard that I will invite 170 friends...

 

[momhappy]

Traditionally it's the bride's family 100%. Modern times it's anything goes, and often equal shares between the couple and each set of parents. DH and I wanted to pay for it all ourselves. Mostly because we wanted total control over everything. My parents were hurt by that, and so we caved, though everyone had a hand in paying for some things. But it led to some serious knockdowndragouts between my mom and I.

I don't recall tradition ever dictating that the brides family pays 100% of everything… To my knowledge, there has always been a "list" of who pays for what. Here's a basic breakdown:
http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx

 

[rosetta]

bride's side? groom's side? the newlyweds? 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 ?
Did your parents pay for your wedding?
Did your wedding cost $30k +?
How many guests did you invited?
Any uninvited guests show up at your wedding?..

Both sets of parents paid. Would have been insulted if we had refused (in our culture, parents always pay unless they don't approve of your spouse!) I was lucky in that I had two weddings: one in the UK which I planned exactly as I wanted it, with all of our friends, and another wedding in my home country where my mother planned it and invited all of the family and their friends. It was a complete win win situation. I avoided fuss at the big receptions by having a very quiet ceremony with immediate family only (10 of us) on a completely different day. We hired a large suite at a hotel for this, I had a personal stylist and photographer and it was very special. I am so glad we separated this from the receptions, as they were big and logistically complicated and I wouldn't have been relaxed then. I still had a civil ceremony on the day, just not the religious one (which to me is the real "getting married" bit)

Yes, it was well over 30k. I was completely spoiled. My parents thought it was worth every penny and in fact I totally impressed my dad with my organisational skills. I've turned down offers to plan other weddings as I have a day job!

I had 120 at the UK wedding (117 attended) and 300+ (all attended) at the other wedding. No uninvited guests.

 

[vc10um]

My mother set aside a modest amount (much less than 30K) for my future wedding when I was in High School. I knew all along I had that much money to plan a wedding. We got married in Kansas City, invited about 115, had 85 attend (we planned for 90), and I came in about $300 under my mom's budget. However, that's only when you calculate only the expenses related directly to the ceremony and reception. That doesn't include rings, hotel, multiple flights to and from Kansas City (we lived in DC), bridal party gifts, etc...that was all paid for by us. (Oh, and she purchased my dress and shoes [~$700 total] as a gift.) My In-Laws paid for the rehearsal luncheon for 20 as our wedding gift.

We spent an additional $1000 on an informal reception back in DC about a month and a half after our wedding because we had so many friends and it would've been ridiculous to make them all travel to KC, so we brought the party to them!

Congratulations to your daughter, DF! Do we get to see the ring???

 

[Amber St. Clare]

My son is 28. We put him thru private school, college and grad school. He has zero college debt. He's on his own if he and his GF decide they want to have a big wedding. You can go to the well only so many times......

 

[Dancing Fire]

Congratulations to your daughter, DF! Do we get to see the ring???

Thanks, yes he showed me the ring before the proposal.

 

[Bonfire]

Our DD was just married over Memorial Day weekend in Charleston SC. It was a "destination wedding" and we paid for everything, except the DJ. The kids paid for that just to pitch in. His family paid for the rehearsal dinner. The wedding was small and intimate 35 guests.
You know, anything goes. So talk to your DD and find out what their thoughts and ideas are and what their expectations are, see how it unfolds. Whatever arrangements you decide, set a budget and stick to it!
It's is such wonderful time in their lives and yours as well, enjoy it, it's a sweet journey.

 

[kenny]

Congratulations to your daughter, DF! Do we get to see the ring???

Thanks, yes he showed me the ring before the proposal.

No no no.
The question was, when do WE get to see it?