when your jewelry preferences don't match your social circle

[DecoDaze]

I'm a new poster to this forum, but I've been thinking about this issue lately. I'd LOVE to get a 9mm-ish OEC. It's not possible for me right now, but if I continue saving it would be feasible within a few years. The problem is that, although my social circle consists largely of 30-40-something professionals in a major metropolitan area, some of whom sport awesome bling, there are a lot of people in my real life who would look askance at such a large diamond ring. Including my extended family. I know that the feeling of most people here is that you should just wear what you want and not concern yourself with what other people think, but honestly I have trouble doing that! I'm worried that people judging my ring (or rather, judging me for spending my money that way) would diminish the pleasure I take in it. And this dream OEC doesn't "fit" with the rest of my lifestyle--I'm fairly frugal overall, buy inexpensive clothes, wear jeans and flats, do a lot of outdoors activities, and in general live life toward the crunchy end of the spectrum. But I love bling! This is clearly not a life-and-death problem, but I don't want to make this OEC a goal of mine only to end up... uncomfortable wearing it. Surely others here have dealt with this issue. Any advice?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

If you have a couple of years of savings before having the funds, that will give you a chance to determine where your priorities are when the time to buy is right! You might have a different goal by then. If not, you can always buy your dream OEC and wear it based on appropriate occasions. I have jewelry that I don't wear around certain people because of the reaction I'll get (and what I have is NO WHERE near a 9 mm diamond!).

 

[kenny]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I love the saying, "What others think of me is none of my business."

 

[Loves Vintage]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Just tell them you got a really really good deal on it, and you couldn't pass it up! Problem solved?

 

[GemFever]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I like MC's plan: save the money, and by the time you're there, you can decide how you feel. Or spend it on another cool project. Or just have the savings.

I'm actually in a similar position as you, though a 9mm stone is nowhere on my horizon. But even the 1ct stones I have are way beyond the understanding of most friends and family. So far, they've been humoring me and treating as "my curious hobby," but I know they hope that I'll have enough of it soon (and use my money more wisely).

Hypothetically... if I could be organized and determined enough to save up my own money, while being financially responsible and not neglecting other aspects of my life, including some emergency fund savings... I think they would respect me for it and I would feel like I deserve to have it, and I would wear it proudly (and get immense enjoyment out of it, of course!). So that could be one way of approaching it: determination + financial responsibility = blingly OEC reward!

 

[missy]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

You know yourself best. If what others think will make you uncomfortable while wearing the ring will anything we say make a difference? I am not making light of your feelings at all. I understand them but in the end only you can decide if you will enjoy wearing it despite what anyone thinks. I work at a not for profit organization where (though I am in NYC where large diamonds rule) my ring is definitely the exception compared to others but I enjoy wearing my ring. Every day. I don't know what people might say behind my back but I certainly get compliments on it all the time. At first I felt embarrassed but I have learned to enjoy the compliments but most of all I just love my ring and it makes me smile.

As for your family I would absolutely not care what they would think. It's just not their business. Period. You are an adult with your own family. Why give power to them to decide what you can and cannot wear/do etc. Where does it stop? You are no longer a child and they are not the boss of you. If you are confident and refuse to entertain any bad mouthing of whatever it is you do in life they will learn it is not their place. However, if you allow them that power well, where does it end? Who is in control of your life is the question.

If your heart desires the 9mm OEC I say go for it. But of course I am going to say that because that is what I would do in your situation. I wouldn't even hesitate. Life is too short not to do what makes you happy as long as you are not hurting anyone else in the process. If you can afford it and you know you would love it then go for it. As MC points out while you are saving for it you have more time to decide if it is still a priority in your life and by then perhaps you will feel more confident about your decision. Either way. Good luck and make sure to come back with plenty of pics if you do end up getting your OEC! (and I hope you do!)

 

[JewelFreak]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Here's how I think about it -- & I've run into the same problem especially with a few of my friends, and family who think it's my weird little mania: DH & I rarely travel, rarely spend money on restaurants, I buy clothes from Orvis & Land's End, & I drive a VW wagon. Not exactly a flashy spender. OK -- so if I bought a cool car or blew a small fortune on equipment for a media room, they'd say, Wow, cool! I'd a thousand times rather have a beautiful piece of jewelry & since it's my only expensive vice (except pets), it's my choice.

The few times cost has been mentioned I go into a teeny rant about how much cheaper it is to buy online when you know where and to whom to go. That usually satisfies 'em -- and if it doesn't, I don't give a darn!

--- Laurie

 

[missy]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Here's how I think about it -- & I've run into the same problem especially with a few of my friends, and family who think it's my weird little mania: DH & I rarely travel, rarely spend money on restaurants, I buy clothes from Orvis & Land's End, & I drive a VW wagon. Not exactly a flashy spender. OK -- so if I bought a cool car or blew a small fortune on equipment for a media room, they'd say, Wow, cool! I'd a thousand times rather have a beautiful piece of jewelry & since it's my only expensive vice (except pets), it's my choice.

The few times cost has been mentioned I go into a teeny rant about how much cheaper it is to buy online when you know where and to whom to go. That usually satisfies 'em -- and if it doesn't, I don't give a darn!

--- Laurie

The thing is Laurie, why is it their business? Why must we appease our family/friends over our decisions in life that have absolutely nothing to do with them? This is a pet peeve of mine. I just don't get it. We are adults and too bad for them what they think. At least that is how I see it. I know one could take the road of less/least resistance and make excuses ie I got it for a deal; we never spend money on eating out; we don't buy expensive cars/clothes yada yada yada -but do we really need to do this? Why should we have to humor others? As long as my dh and I agree on how we spend our money that's all I care about. Just my thoughts.

 

[GemFever]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Here's how I think about it -- & I've run into the same problem especially with a few of my friends, and family who think it's my weird little mania: DH & I rarely travel, rarely spend money on restaurants, I buy clothes from Orvis & Land's End, & I drive a VW wagon. Not exactly a flashy spender. OK -- so if I bought a cool car or blew a small fortune on equipment for a media room, they'd say, Wow, cool! I'd a thousand times rather have a beautiful piece of jewelry & since it's my only expensive vice (except pets), it's my choice.

The few times cost has been mentioned I go into a teeny rant about how much cheaper it is to buy online when you know where and to whom to go. That usually satisfies 'em -- and if it doesn't, I don't give a darn!

--- Laurie

The thing is Laurie, why is it their business? Why must we appease our family/friends over our decisions in life that have absolutely nothing to do with them? This is a pet peeve of mine. I just don't get it. We are adults and too bad for them what they think. At least that is how I see it. I know one could take the road of less/least resistance and make excuses ie I got it for a deal; we never spend money on eating out; we don't buy expensive cars/clothes yada yada yada -but do we really need to do this? Why should we have to humor others? As long as my dh and I agree on how we spend our money that's all I care about. Just my thoughts.

I see where you're coming from missy, but I'm still at an age where I feel like my parents see me as their child and worry about me making the right decisions in life, forming the right habits, etc. They don't want me to wind up in debt, or unable to buy a house one day, or god forbid to budget and provide for future kids, etc. As long as I know that their questions and concerns come from the right place, I don't mind. I think it's a personal decision.

 

[missy]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Gemfever, I don't know how old you are but that sounds totally acceptable then. I am talking about grown adults who manage their own finances, homes, lives etc. That is where I have a problem. But young people just starting out- totally different. Though as a young person starting out no way I would even have those problems LOL. 9 mm OEC-uh, no OEC way!

 

[Alexiszoe]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I think missy hit the nail on the head: how much does it matter to you what others think and does it bother you to the point where you feel you will not get enjoyment out of your ring? For some of us it doesn't matter at all, whereas for others, the approval of others is more important. Personally, I don't think it should be an issue - you are the one wearing the ring every day, not them. If you chose a ring that you are not happy with because you don't wish to be judged, you will be the one dealing with the unhappiness on a daily basis, not them.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

My diamond is freakishly large for my social circle. I cared a while ago. And then I learned I love bling much more than I give a crap what other people think. So I stopped caring. And I enjoy my bling.

I think justifying it to oneself is much more the issue than justifying it to others. When YOU are fine with your bling and what you spent on it, concerns about what others think seem to evaporate. At least in my experience.

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

If you have a couple of years of savings before having the funds, that will give you a chance to determine where your priorities are when the time to buy is right! You might have a different goal by then. If not, you can always buy your dream OEC and wear it based on appropriate occasions. I have jewelry that I don't wear around certain people because of the reaction I'll get (and what I have is NO WHERE near a 9 mm diamond!).

Ditto! Especially the bolded. Just start out wearing it only where and when you feel comfortable. With time, your comfort zone will expand and you'll be comfortable wearing it in more situations.

 

[TC1987]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

There's always the possibility of working a 2nd job to get money for "frivolous" things. Some of those estate diamonds don't sell for much, maybe not even wholesale. You just have to be in the right place at the right time, with the cash, when somebody wants to liquidate.

 

[DecoDaze]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Thanks for all the responses. For sure I would not make such a purchase unless I felt fine spending the money--that's why I'm saving! The "frivolous" savings for both me and DH are on top of our other, necessary saving/spending--mortgage, college accounts, retirement, etc. So it's not so much an issue of whether *I* feel ok spending the money. If I do make this purchase, it will be with "free and clear" money, or I'm certain I would not enjoy the stone. I suspect you're right, Dreamer, that I'll feel fine with it for that reason, and I like your strategy of getting there, MC and Amelia! I know I've gotten less concerned over time with what other people think; presumably that trend will continue over the next couple of years while I save for this diamond. My sister says that you shouldn't judge people based on what they spend their money on. Everybody has their "thing," and you never know the whole situation. She, BTW, would NEVER spend so much money on something like this, but I do think that she is one family member that would not judge *me* for doing so if it's what I wanted (and she knows I wouldn't do so irresponsibly). Perhaps when I feel judged I'll just try to remember that the person judging is totally outside their rights. I agree that it's nobody's business but mine and DH's. And in the meantime, even if I ultimately change my mind about making this purchase, it's never a bad thing to save! Honestly, though, I don't see myself changing my mind... I have wanted this for a long time and recently got a 9mm fakey to wear around the house to get a sense for it and LOVE the size. TC, agreed about estate sales. I actually have an aunt who does a lot of estate sale hunting and thought I might start tagging along with her when I'm ready to buy!

 

[chemgirl]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Are you sure people pay enough attention to your hands to even notice a new ring? I know the diamond size you're talking about is large by most standards, but the average person doesn't really go around staring at other people's bling! PSers are special that way.

Some people will notice of course, but they probably won't have any idea of what it costs etc.

So buy what you want and if you're worried about what people think don't bring it to their attention. Just wear it and be happy.

 

[DecoDaze]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Ha, very good point, chemgirl. I'm assuming people will notice and know what it might have cost because I notice and have an idea of what things cost! But you're right. I bet most people wouldn't and don't. I hadn't thought about it that way, thanks!

 

[purplesparklies]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Family heirloom you are so fortunate to have. Great way to remember Great Aunt Blanche.

 

[mary poppins]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I can't believe nobody on PS has come out and said this already - bling is paramount to all else, including friends and family. You plan to save for a few years which is plenty of time to make friends who are more suitable to your blind taste and estrange yourself from family.

Seriously, though, wear it wherever it is appropriate and you feel comfortable doing so. And be sure to post pictures in SMTB!

 

[HollyS]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

If you won't be comfortable wearing this diamond, if it will make you self-conscious, you will not wear it. Or not often.

It will languish in your jewelry box, or a dresser drawer, and it will be a complete waste of money and any time you spent searching for that stone.

If you r-e-a-l-l-y want this stone, then determine in your mind that you will wear it and not be intimidated by the opinions of others.

 

[woofmama]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I can't believe nobody on PS has come out and said this already - bling is paramount to all else, including friends and family. You plan to save for a few years which is plenty of time to make friends who are more suitable to your blind taste and estrange yourself from family.

Seriously, though, wear it wherever it is appropriate and you feel comfortable doing so. And be sure to post pictures in SMTB!

+1

I can comment on this, none of my childhood friends who I still see socially have 1ct or more rings or have upgraded their original erings or bands. Some are hurting right now having lost jobs. Quite a few of them are in a very good place financially and could no doubt upgrade their rings if they wanted. Many of them spend alot on travel, cars or home decor. I'm happy with a reasonable little trip every couple of years and my 4 yr old mini van. Bling isn't on their list of priorities. None of them know about PS and I don't bring it up. Some have noticed my newer pieces, others haven't said a word.
I noticed some staring by BIL and SIL at Thanksgiving, but neither said anything. They are very frugal. I'm guessing my stuff was the topic of conversation later at home.

Many of the women I interact with thru work sport beautiful rings, pendants, designer handbags, etc and are very well heeled.
Around these ladies I feel my pieces are at the low end in size and expense. Overall I think I've struck a happy medium.
I always wanted what I have now and waited 15 yrs to get it. I also work very hard and am extremely responsible with money.
If anyone cares to wag their tongue so be it. I'm happy looking at my hand and life is short!

 

[AprilBaby]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

There will be a time in your life where this isn't an issue, say about 20 years. But by then the price of the diamond you want, with inflation, may be out of reach. If you can afford it now, go for it and who cares what anyone else thinks. Age (hopefully) brings wisdom. Be yourself!

 

[FrekeChild]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I'll apply this towards my mom, since she was the one with the big bling...

My mom was older, drove a Nissan Maxima (from new to 100k miles, 10 years old), wore clothes from Wal-Mart (we're talking sweats and t-shirts, not even cute stuff!), cheap shoes, etc. She saved for and negotiated with my dad for about 10 years to buy a house. Not really just any house, but a house in a super nice area of town, custom home, top materials, top of the line everything, etc.

So equate the house to your ring. Own it! People didn't judge her for the house, even though it is a luxury item.

Besides Aunt Blanche had great taste!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

Well, I AM older and I guess I am the only one here who has qualms about wearing a large diamond. It is NOT so much what other people think about me, really. It is that I have some wealthy friends (few of whom care a bit about jewelry, unfortunately) and some friends who have lost jobs or businesses due to the economy and have had to sell homes and spend all their 401k's just to live. So for ME, I am more concerned about how it might make certain people I care about feel as opposed to worrying what they think about me for buying it. That results in me finding balance in the size diamond I am comfortable wearing and choosing to buy some additional nice right hand rings (and other jewelry) instead of one large, fabulous e-ring.

Please note that I am not projecting this on anyone else here. Not everyone lives in the same size city or has friends who have lost jobs, etc. I am truly happy for each and every person here who has a ring they love whether it is a half carat or 10 carats! Each person has to decide on their priorities for specs and their comfort range for diamond size.

 

[Circe]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I'm the only person I know IRL who loves jewelry (real stuff - we're all magpies). Couple that with the fact I'm in underpaid academia, and that the economy has hit a few hard, and I guess I should maybe have had the same thoughts a few of the ladies above mentioned ... But, honestly, they didn't. My friends, a) don't care about jewelry! And therefore have no clue what's real, what's fake, or what I must have gotten a good deal on, and, b) because

 

[Circe]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I hate posting from my phone.

AS I WAS SAYING, ahem.

... Because, b) other things in my life are bigger "tells." But I wouldn't get a smaller place out of misplaced tact - I just make sure to invite them over and wine them and done them and just be a good friend in other ways, y'know?

Bottom line is, if it'll make you smile ten times a day when you get lost in the pretty, do it. The people who love you will be happy you're happy: and the others? Well, they would have found something to carp about no matter what ....

 

[Haven]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I hate posting from my phone.

AS I WAS SAYING, ahem.

... Because, b) other things in my life are bigger "tells." But I wouldn't get a smaller place out of misplaced tact - I just make sure to invite them over and wine them and done them and just be a good friend in other ways, y'know?

Bottom line is, if it'll make you smile ten times a day when you get lost in the pretty, do it. The people who love you will be happy you're happy: and the others? Well, they would have found something to carp about no matter what ....

Absolutely. I completely agree with Circe.

I can't say I've ever worried about how others will react to the things I choose to spend my time and money on, and you know what? This approach has always worked for me. I'm extremely happy with my life and the choices I make in it, and I have people around me who support those choices.

And regardless of how conscious you are about it (or not), your priorities will shine through in the end, regardless. Everyone's do. If someone in your life chooses to judge you for what you value, that's their problem, and as Kenny says, it's their business.

DH and I take a big trip out of the country every summer, and one of his first cousins likes to say, "Must be nice" every time someone asks us about our recent or upcoming trip at a family event. We just smile and say, "It is!" I never feel the need to go into an explanation and remind her that we live in a very deliberate manner in order to afford these trips, because a) I don't owe her an explanation, she doesn't support my lifestyle, and b) this is an obvious fact--that people make room for the things they really value in their lives. (Or, I suppose some don't, and they crowd out the real goodies with distractions like daily trips to Starbucks or other tiny extravagances they might otherwise ditch if they really wanted to save for something big.) Either way, we're happy with our lives and the way we choose to live them, so worries about other people's opinions of us and our choices never enter the picture.

I hope you can find some peace about this, and about the choices you make for yourself, in general.

 

[Jennifer W]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I suspect that if you look around your social circle, each person there will have their thing, where they like to spend their disposable income. For some it might be a car, or a really nice house, vacations, or clothes etc, for you it's a ring. That's fine. Unless you hang out with people who have much less income than you I don't think it will be outrageous, because it will just be your thing, as a result of which you spend less / nothing on other things. We all have our interests and wants, and most people don't really notice other people's stuff unless if falls within our own range of interest.

 

[SB621]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I think you have gotten some sage advice here so I will just add in my two cents. I will not spend my life forming to what others think I should say or do. Life is short so if you heart's desire is a 9mm OEC then I say do it. What would be more upsetting. Getting it and worrying about other's reactions or not getting it and constantly thinking about it.

 

[iheartscience]

Re: when your jewelry preferences don't match your social ci

I think you have gotten some sage advice here so I will just add in my two cents. I will not spend my life forming to what others think I should say or do. Life is short so if you heart's desire is a 9mm OEC then I say do it. What would be more upsetting. Getting it and worrying about other's reactions or not getting it and constantly thinking about it.

Yup, I can't really fathom not getting something you want and can afford just because other people won't understand it. Haters gonna hate. Don't care.

ETA I should add that my e-ring is the biggest of anyone in my family or friends, and I did get a few slightly judgmental comments from them when I first got it. I just asked them if they were jealous, which seemed to shut them right up.

Now I'm upgrading to an even bigger diamond, and if they have something to say about either a. the fact that I'm upgrading or b. that it's even bigger, so be it. I'll happily ask them if they're jealous once again.

Oh and another thing-I don't discuss my purchases with people, so I bet many won't even notice.