When enough is enough - mental illness

[kmarla]

I'm reaching out to those of you who either know someone in this situation or have had to personally make the difficult decision to protect yourself from the chaos of life with a loved one with mental illness. When did you realize that you have finally reached that stage where enough is enough? How did you feel when you made the decision? Did you feel numb? Relieved? Disassociated? What did you do to normalize your life again, at least in the short term? I know this is very difficult to talk about, but I hope some of you have advice. You can jump to the bottom if this is too long to read.

A little background. I'm trying to keep it factual, but those of you familiar with this kind of situation know there's a ton of love and emotion involved, and many details skipped over. We have adult children and the youngest, mid twenties, lives with us. She has a complex, challenging profile. She has a dual diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and Bipolar II. She also has ADHD and developmental challenges. There are also indications that she might be Borderline Personality, but this has not yet been diagnosed. She is also very loving and loveable. We do not have a family of origin health history for her as we adopted her when she was a toddler. Life was challenging before because of the Autism, but since she turned 12 It's been one crisis after another, with some periods of stability but never real normalcy because of her profile. It seems like we put out one fire just to have a different one start. It's endless. It's walking on eggshells all the time. She makes poor decisions that have caused her great harm and has run away countless times. She ran away again just after Christmas. No one saw it coming.

And so the reason for this post. I am done. When or if this latest crisis ends, coming home to us will not be an option. I must get off the roller coaster. My husband and I are in agreement about this and know that we have to focus on our own emotional and physical wellbeing. We will love her always, she's our baby, but support her differently now, from a distance, if she let's us. But we both feel like we're not quite ourselves right now. What should we expect once life normalizes for us? Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read this. Hopefully you have some advice to share.

 

[chemgirl]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

A bit of a different dynamic because the family member we are distancing ourselves from is a parent and not a child.

Fil is bypolar (diagnosed, but of course the doctors are wrong ). He has said and done some very hurtful things over the years. I be honest I was ready to be done with him the second time we met. DH was still hoping for an engaged and loving parent until everything blew up about a year ago. I bought a new car and Fil felt entitled to drive it and didn't take no for an answer. Lots of screaming from him and in the end he told DH not to call him anymore.

Now we see him maybe once every six months. He calls and asks for something maybe once per month and when DH says no (he asks for things like golf vacations, new computers, an iPhone) he goes off on him and calls him an embarrassment, a disappointment, shameful etc.

DH rarely answers the phone anymore.

Counseling has helped as far as managing expectations and helping DH see that none of his is his fault.

I feel relieved, DH feels sad, but also relieved.

We're really still dealing with it all.

 

[minousbijoux]

Hi Kmarla: I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, due to issues with one of my own kids, I understand all too well being at your wits end and feeling utterly spent. I don't know where you live, but many areas have support groups that can help you plan the best path for your daughter and your recovery. I know of an excellent nonprofit that can give you some guidance, but don't know if I'm allowed to post the information here. If you are interested, you can contact me via LT and I can share the info with you:

http://loupetroop.com/listings/loose-stones-colored-gemstone/final-reduction-2-dot-15-ct-precision-cut-mali-garnet;8128

For me, not knowing where to go/what to do/if there would ever be an end in sight was the hardest part. Good luck, sweetie, wishing you support and peace.

 

[sonnyjane]

Counseling counseling counseling counseling counseling counseling! You are your DH will benefit greatly from counseling. Have I mentioned I'm a proponent of counseling? It will give you the coping tools you need should she reach out again and the confidence to know that you ARE making the right choice for everyone involved, because you WILL waffle! I always believe that the more people who know about your situation, the easier it is to deal with, that may just be counselors, it may include other family members who you might fear judgment from, etc. There is support out there, but nobody can help if they don't know what you're dealing with.

Good luck!

 

[AprilBaby]

I'm not in your situation but I do have great empathy for you. Wishing you hope and peace in your decisions.

 

[Queenie60]

I feel for you and am in the same type of situation. Our son is 22, will be 23 in October. He is the oldest of our two children. He is our biological child so we do know for sure that he has the "gene." My husband has a brother who is bipolar and my mother and siblings are bipolar. Our son was a very difficult baby, colicky however very bright. He began to have problems with being defiant beginning at age 12. Coping with middle school was extremely difficult for him - he does not respect authority. His personality continued to change for the worse as he got older. At age 15 my husband and I decided to send him to a Wilderness program in the state of Utah. We had him removed from our home in the middle of the night and taken to this camp. He spent 6 weeks there and then went off to a therapeutic boarding school. He spent two years there and came back at the age of 17. Prior to sending him away, he became violent to the point that we had our younger child sleep on the floor of our bedroom and locked and barricaded the door so he could not harm any of us during the night. He was diagnosed with Non verbal learning disorder and borderline personality disorder as well as ADHD.

After coming home at the age of 17, we moved him out of our home and into an apartment (we paid the rent so that he would not be homeless) as he tried to fight with my husband. After about one year we brought him back into our home and it went okay for a time however he has declined in many ways. He has become a hoarder in his bedroom, he goes to school part time however, has only passed a few classes since the age of 17. One good thing is that he works full time in a grocery store.

Long story short, Bob and I are going to tell him next week (after our youngest goes back to college as she's home on break) that he must move out in September, whether it be to go away to school or into an apartment. Again, we are willing to assist him. It's not working out. He's not violent however, he is very verbally abusive to me as I seem to be his target. We just can't take it any longer. Yes, the mental illness has taken it's toll. Once he is moved out we are literally going to have to gut his room down to the studs and redo everything, bathroom tiles, new carpeting, the works. This is how filthy he is living. Fortunately our home is quite large and we can keep his filth and hoarding away from our daily living. I can't wait to get him out of my home - It's a mess and we know that this will be a life long challenge for us. Mental illness does not discriminate.

My heart goes out to you. It's a terrible situation for a parent to be in. You love the kid however, do not like them at all. They have abused you, and everything around them. Until our son decides to take medication, I feel sorry for him because life will be one huge challenge.

 

[Jambalaya]

Hi kmarla,

I have dealt with three family members with mental illness. I had to save myself or I would have been driven into an early grave. However, none of the members was a child, which is a little different.

I'm a non-parent, so take this with a grain of salt if you want. You have a child. You've brought her up. She is mid-twenties. How long are you expected to live in this horrendous situation? Till you are 60? Until 70? Until you drop dead of a heart attack from all the stress?

While I believe she needs your ongoing support, I don't think she needs to be living in your home anymore. If you could help her move out, that would be the best thing. You could still give her support, emotional and financial, but from more of a distance and claim your own lives back.

Two out of my three sick family members refused all treatment, never got better, and still wreak havoc today on anyone and anything they touch. I would literally rather join a nunnery than live with either one again. The third took heavy anti-depressants and therapy and is doing much better. However, he had "only" severe depression whereas the other two had actual personality disorders, and they are very difficult to treat.

It sounds like something has to change.

Good luck.

 

[Jambalaya]

Queenie60 - what you describe sounds absolutely dreadful. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and I think you are extremely sensible to ask your son to move out. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

 

[minousbijoux]

I feel for you and am in the same type of situation. Our son is 22, will be 23 in October. He is the oldest of our two children. He is our biological child so we do know for sure that he has the "gene." My husband has a brother who is bipolar and my mother and siblings are bipolar. Our son was a very difficult baby, colicky however very bright. He began to have problems with being defiant beginning at age 12. Coping with middle school was extremely difficult for him - he does not respect authority. His personality continued to change for the worse as he got older. At age 15 my husband and I decided to send him to a Wilderness program in the state of Utah. We had him removed from our home in the middle of the night and taken to this camp. He spent 6 weeks there and then went off to a therapeutic boarding school. He spent two years there and came back at the age of 17. Prior to sending him away, he became violent to the point that we had our younger child sleep on the floor of our bedroom and locked and barricaded the door so he could not harm any of us during the night. He was diagnosed with Non verbal learning disorder and borderline personality disorder as well as ADHD.

After coming home at the age of 17, we moved him out of our home and into an apartment (we paid the rent so that he would not be homeless) as he tried to fight with my husband. After about one year we brought him back into our home and it went okay for a time however he has declined in many ways. He has become a hoarder in his bedroom, he goes to school part time however, has only passed a few classes since the age of 17. One good thing is that he works full time in a grocery store.

Long story short, Bob and I are going to tell him next week (after our youngest goes back to college as she's home on break) that he must move out in September, whether it be to go away to school or into an apartment. Again, we are willing to assist him. It's not working out. He's not violent however, he is very verbally abusive to me as I seem to be his target. We just can't take it any longer. Yes, the mental illness has taken it's toll. Once he is moved out we are literally going to have to gut his room down to the studs and redo everything, bathroom tiles, new carpeting, the works. This is how filthy he is living. Fortunately our home is quite large and we can keep his filth and hoarding away from our daily living. I can't wait to get him out of my home - It's a mess and we know that this will be a life long challenge for us. Mental illness does not discriminate.

My heart goes out to you. It's a terrible situation for a parent to be in. You love the kid however, do not like them at all. They have abused you, and everything around them. Until our son decides to take medication, I feel sorry for him because life will be one huge challenge.

Wow, Queenie: you and I have walked a very similar road - would not be surprised if we know some of the same programs/people!

Glad to hear that you are feeling some resolution - good luck with the conversation.

 

[ihy138]

I'm writing both as a therapist and someone who has dealt with MI in family/friends. Recently, my husband and I have had to cut my BIL out of our lives. He's always been troubled, but it was never really obvious because he maintained a normal-ish life. It's my suspicion, and has been for a while, that he has antisocial personality disorder. He is abusive, manipulative, and has had increasingly escalating run-ins with the law. He is now on house arrest following a rape charge. We are horrified and have sought to distance ourselves a bit from him. BIL interprets this as us not being supportive (we aren't offering financial support like the rest of the family), and has badmouthed us to everyone who will listen. Of course this served to solidify our desire to separate, and this was when we knew it had to be done. I have felt relieved not having him around. I think my husband is mostly sad that his parents are siding with my BIL and seem to support him no matter what. Otherwise, we feel safer without him around. I don't know what we would do if he were our child. I always encourage people to first care for themselves, as you can be of little service to others without meeting your own needs first. Some are really addicted to putting others first, being the martyr. I, too, recommend counseling. Something that you may have to work on is grieving this loss, because that's what it is. It's the loss of a relationship that you thought might be different. Grieving is a way to make room for a new, healthier relationship. You may also want to process that you are losing the role of primary caregiver. That can leave a real void for parents, and it may feel uncomfortable and make you question your decision.

I wish you and your family nothing but the best on your journey to recovery.

 

[kmarla]

We had to step out for a few hours, but I am so thankful for your responses. I hope I haven't missed anyone. If I have I'll get back to you but my iPad is on 1%

Chemgirl, what a difficult painful situation to find yourself in. As parents, we have tried so hard to set a positive example for our daughter, and it must be so difficult not to have that stable influence as a child, even an adult child. Our daughter goes off on us too and it's awful. She'll threaten, swear, tell lies, do whatever she needs to do to get attention.

Minousbijoux, we are in Ontario, Canada. Up until now, our primary focus has been on seeking help for our daughter, although I have had some therapy to cope from time to time since I am the primary caregiver and get the brunt of the abuse. Let me just be blunt. Our mental health and social services suck. There are many years long wait lists to access specialists, even with a profile like our daughter's. We do have supplemental insurance that pays for some sessions annually with a psychologist, but our daughter also needs a psychiatrist. My husband and I have joined support groups for autism in the past, and I do have good friends who have similar struggles that I met through support groups. We will look for a support group for family with a bipolar loved one.

Sonnyjane, I hear you loud and clear. My husband is looking in to counselling through his workplace. I honestly don't think we will backslide on our decision, but I really want us to be equipped as a couple to develop an action plan if an when we may need it. Our extended family is almost universally very supportive of our decision. They don't know how we've survived as long as we have. The few who don't offer support are not worth worrying about.

Queenie60, I can relate very well. I also am the primary target and get most of the flack. I know what you mean about the hoarding and mess. She is the same way. I actually use the state of her rooms as a barometer to measure the state of her mind. The greater the chaos, the more out of control she is. I've had to repaint and refloor her room, replace the broken doors, closets etc. Fix holes punched in the walls. Don't get me started on her bathroom. All the floor tiles are somehow broken and the towel bars ripped off the walls. The rest of the house is beautiful, but her zone is a disaster.

Jambalaya, I totally agree with her not having the privilege of living in our house. We had languished three years on the wait list just to go through the intake process to qualify for supportive housing. She finally qualified this past fall, and then in November the caseworker told us that the current wait times are decades to never. She really can't be completely independent, and private supportive housing is in the range of $4000-$6000 per month above what she receives in disability benefit. We just can't swing that. We were looking at finding an apartment for her close enough to us so we could offer support, but she jumped the gun and ran away.

Ihy138, it's a very difficult road, isn't it. Yes, I think counselling is the answer. We are also starting to talk about a short getaway for the two of us. You might think it's silly, but we actually bought a jar of peanut butter the other day. We haven't been able to have it for years because our daughter binge eats as well. If we don't hide and lock things up really well, it's gone in the morning, or has big finger swipes through it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am a psychotherapist and recommend NAMI to all my patient's family. In my state they offer a free, family to family course. It could give you support and insight on how to protect yourself while help her. Sorry you are going through this.

 

[kmarla]

I'm responding back to ihy138 because I Hit submit before I had a chance to finish. I was almost out of power and not near a plug. Yes, we're grieving and feeling all the classic emotions. Our daughter is still with us, but the rejection from her right now is terrible. In a sad way it's also a relief not to have to be immersed in the ups and downs. This is not a new experience for us and we know that at some point her current situation will collapse, as always happens. We have been grieving for a long time though. Each time we come to terms with The new status quo, something seems to come along to change things. It's a dynamic situation, and when she's in a more stable period, she really does seem to love me, and her family. I grieve for her, that she has to suffer so unfairly, and that the things others take for granted are so difficult or out of reach for her. I also realize that essentially I have been fired from my primary job. I'm still putting in long hours reaching out to various agencies, but of course the goal is to transition my responsibilities to someone else at this point. So I'm also grieving a loss of purpose. I think I might get over that without too much distress however. I've been wanting that for some time.

Thank you all again for your support and willingness to share. I get the sense that it will take time, counselling, and self care for us to establish a new routine and a sense of peace in our lives. We hope our daughter can embrace those principles for herself as well, wherever she is.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I'm so, so sorry. For you, for your husband, for your daughter who sounds tormented and didn't ask to be here.

It is beyond anything else to watch someone you love destroy themselves. I hope peace and better days are ahead for all of you.

 

[kmarla]

Thank you Tacori e-ring. I am getting in contact with Canadian Mental Health Association to see what else they can offer in terms of support, not just for our daughter, but for us as well. I am hopeful that they will offer a course similar to what you're recommending.

 

[kmarla]

Thank you so much elliot86 for your insightful and supportive comments.

 

[Queenie60]

I am a psychotherapist and recommend NAMI to all my patient's family. In my state they offer a free, family to family course. It could give you support and insight on how to protect yourself while help her. Sorry you are going through this.

Great advise. I have taken the NAMI family to family course which has helped so much. I still refer to my binder when I need to reference some of the information covered in the course. I would recommend this to anyone going through the struggle with a mentally ill family member. Our son does have talk therapy and sees a psychiatrist regularly. We do family therapy with him however, it's his time to "bash" my husband and I on all of the terrible things we do to him. It's interesting how the mentally ill continue to blame everyone else for their actions.

 

[minousbijoux]

I'm responding back to ihy138 because I Hit submit before I had a chance to finish. I was almost out of power and not near a plug. Yes, we're grieving and feeling all the classic emotions. Our daughter is still with us, but the rejection from her right now is terrible. In a sad way it's also a relief not to have to be immersed in the ups and downs. This is not a new experience for us and we know that at some point her current situation will collapse, as always happens. We have been grieving for a long time though. Each time we come to terms with The new status quo, something seems to come along to change things. It's a dynamic situation, and when she's in a more stable period, she really does seem to love me, and her family. I grieve for her, that she has to suffer so unfairly, and that the things others take for granted are so difficult or out of reach for her. I also realize that essentially I have been fired from my primary job. I'm still putting in long hours reaching out to various agencies, but of course the goal is to transition my responsibilities to someone else at this point. So I'm also grieving a loss of purpose. I think I might get over that without too much distress however. I've been wanting that for some time.

Thank you all again for your support and willingness to share. I get the sense that it will take time, counselling, and self care for us to establish a new routine and a sense of peace in our lives. We hope our daughter can embrace those principles for herself as well, wherever she is.

So impressed that with all that you are going through right now, with her still there, you have such great perspective and can understand that for her. Mental illness is one thing, but mental illness with your child is a profoundly different level.

 

[kmarla]

Thank you minousbijoux. I think all of us parents here will tell you that you never stop loving your child, ever. We have memories of them right from the start, and sometimes that's what keeps you going; flashes of them crawling, their adorable toothless little smiles, their first words....you know what I mean. When the present is ugly, we can envision and draw on the beauty of the past. We're always hopeful that the future will be better for them.

Queenie60, I feel like we're living parallel lives. I also have all those memories of sitting in her psychiatrists (fill in the blank with other professionals) office listening to her huge long list of complaints. You're right, nothing is ever their fault. You feel like you're in the principal's office waiting to get in trouble. She revels in it. I used to get so distressed when she did this, but now I have thicker skin. Simply put, her brain is wired differently, and she sees the world very differently. Somehow she thinks the appropriate social script in pretty much any social setting is to trash her parents. I think she watched too many YTV teen shows. This script is pretty resistant to change since it gets reinforced every time she runs away. She convinces someone to save her, but after a few days or weeks or months they discover how challenging she is and leave her. It's a short term payoff only.

 

[chemgirl]

Ugh, I'm.picturing one of Fil's apologies.

"I'm sorry this hurtful thing happened, but this is everything you did to cause it."

Never his fault.

Then he wonders why we're not welcoming him back with open arms.

If it has a "but" then it's not an apology.

Eta: he will rant to anyone who will listen. We're horrible. He apologized and we won't accept it. He doesn't understand what our problem is since he is such a great guy. Blah blah blah.

The last father's day DH spent with his Dad they went golfing and FIL ranted to another group of golfers about his wife not having sex with him when he wants it. He took care of her through her cancer, he deserves sex whenever he wants it. DH was desperately trying to make him stop and he wouldn't take a hint. They're guys talking guy stuff, DH is just a prude blah blah blah again.

Their reality is just so different.

That said, I have a good friend who is bipolar, owns it, and works very hard to manage his disorder. He still has moments, but there are years between episodes and he seeks help immediately. Just adding that part because there are probably members here who have been diagnosed with mental illness.

 

[chemgirl]

and my post turned into a rant.

I guess my point is that you can't continually punish yourself. It's really not your fault that she's behaving this way and at some point it is necessary to save yourselves. It sucks, but there really isn't anything you can do to change how she thinks.

 

[kmarla]

That said, I have a good friend who is bipolar, owns it, and works very hard to manage his disorder. He still has moments, but there are years between episodes and he seeks help immediately. Just adding that part because there are probably members here who have been diagnosed with mental illness.

Exactly. I tried to be very careful in choosing my words because I fully realize that no two people are alike so you're never comparing apples to apples. I really hoped this post wouldn't make anyone feel hurt, defensive or uncomfortable. Mental illness doesn't discriminate at all. No one behaves their way into it, no one deserves it. All of us know someone who deals with mental illness, or someone who loves someone who deals with it. I knew this would be a delicate topic and thought carefully about bringing it up. The truth is that mental illness can and does negatively impact people. There are others right within our extended family who deal with mental illness, including bipolar and depression, and their life bears almost no comparison to our daughters. She deals with multiple complex challenges, some mental, some developmental, that together make her ability to manage life a much greater challenge for her and those who love her.

Okay, so back on track to my original question. We're entering new territory for us as a family as we've always had a different goal in the past. That goal was to get our daughter back safely home, where we could try to get her life normalized and stabilized again. Our new goal is to get our daughter to safety, but that place will not be home. We will continue to support her in many of the same ways we always have, but we will have our space that is safe for us. We will no longer take on the full responsibility. It goes back to taking care of our emotional and physical wellbeing. We will always need to continue giving her emotional support, practical support, and financial support. Jambalaya said it very well. Will you still be doing this in your 60's, 70's etc? The real answer is yes, unless the "system" gets on board and helps. We're in our late 50's now, and we can't even plan our future retirement because everything is in such flux. No other family members want to take this on, it's overwhelming and they have their own families. Our other daughter would and does help, but our younger daughter pushes back and is resentful. Simply put, she's not very grateful. She wants to be independent , but lacks the ability to manage it successfully because of her challenges.

I have to clarify here that we're assuming our daughter will come back to us. Right now she's not home and from what she says in her occasional texts, she has no intention of ever coming back. So far this situation is more developed than the other times she ran away. We think now that she was probably planning this for some time, but the actual execution was impulsive and not to script. She's staying with a relative of someone she met this summer who was also a client in a lifeskills workshop at the hospital where she was getting psychiatric help. We don't know any of these people, but they're much older than her. I have a joint bank account account with our daughter so I have oversight. It's Jan 7 and she's got $150 left for the rest of the month. In ten days she's blown through hundreds. My husband texted her and tried to tell her that she would run out of money (she can't manage numbers or budget at all) and she told him to get out of her life. She also got herself a new phone last night and so far we don't have her new number. We knew she planned a new phone for practical reasons, but it also gives her a way to cut us out. She didn't want to keep the old number. We also know that these people can help her set up a new bank account and arrange for her funds to be redirected, so we will keep a close watch. The police don't consider her running away a police matter, but we've filed a report in any case. So enough about the details. What we're trying to do is arrange to get guidance and support for ourselves, and build a contingency plan for our daughter should the current situation change. We're also trying to envision a different future from what we originally planned, and we hope this will be a more positive one. Thanks again to all of you for your willingness to share, your insight and your words of support. It is very helpful

 

[kmarla]

Chemgirl, I posted before I saw your new post. I had started my reply and then got pulled away. Not a rant at all! This is a delicate, sensitive topic and there's so much emotion behind everyone's words and experiences. Thank you for your supportive words. Yes, we're trying to get off the punishment train. It's so odd, but the "enough is enough" really hit with a whimper, not a bang. It doesn't feel huge and scary, but really just right. I guess it's been coming for a while!

 

[Queenie60]

That said, I have a good friend who is bipolar, owns it, and works very hard to manage his disorder. He still has moments, but there are years between episodes and he seeks help immediately. Just adding that part because there are probably members here who have been diagnosed with mental illness.

Exactly. I tried to be very careful in choosing my words because I fully realize that no two people are alike so you're never comparing apples to apples. I really hoped this post wouldn't make anyone feel hurt, defensive or uncomfortable. Mental illness doesn't discriminate at all. No one behaves their way into it, no one deserves it. All of us know someone who deals with mental illness, or someone who loves someone who deals with it. I knew this would be a delicate topic and thought carefully about bringing it up. The truth is that mental illness can and does negatively impact people. There are others right within our extended family who deal with mental illness, including bipolar and depression, and their life bears almost no comparison to our daughters. She deals with multiple complex challenges, some mental, some developmental, that together make her ability to manage life a much greater challenge for her and those who love her.

Okay, so back on track to my original question. We're entering new territory for us as a family as we've always had a different goal in the past. That goal was to get our daughter back safely home, where we could try to get her life normalized and stabilized again. Our new goal is to get our daughter to safety, but that place will not be home. We will continue to support her in many of the same ways we always have, but we will have our space that is safe for us. We will no longer take on the full responsibility. It goes back to taking care of our emotional and physical wellbeing. We will always need to continue giving her emotional support, practical support, and financial support. Jambalaya said it very well. Will you still be doing this in your 60's, 70's etc? The real answer is yes, unless the "system" gets on board and helps. We're in our late 50's now, and we can't even plan our future retirement because everything is in such flux. No other family members want to take this on, it's overwhelming and they have their own families. Our other daughter would and does help, but our younger daughter pushes back and is resentful. Simply put, she's not very grateful. She wants to be independent , but lacks the ability to manage it successfully because of her challenges.

I have to clarify here that we're assuming our daughter will come back to us. Right now she's not home and from what she says in her occasional texts, she has no intention of ever coming back. So far this situation is more developed than the other times she ran away. We think now that she was probably planning this for some time, but the actual execution was impulsive and not to script. She's staying with a relative of someone she met this summer who was also a client in a lifeskills workshop at the hospital where she was getting psychiatric help. We don't know any of these people, but they're much older than her. I have a joint bank account account with our daughter so I have oversight. It's Jan 7 and she's got $150 left for the rest of the month. In ten days she's blown through hundreds. My husband texted her and tried to tell her that she would run out of money (she can't manage numbers or budget at all) and she told him to get out of her life. She also got herself a new phone last night and so far we don't have her new number. We knew she planned a new phone for practical reasons, but it also gives her a way to cut us out. She didn't want to keep the old number. We also know that these people can help her set up a new bank account and arrange for her funds to be redirected, so we will keep a close watch. The police don't consider her running away a police matter, but we've filed a report in any case. So enough about the details. What we're trying to do is arrange to get guidance and support for ourselves, and build a contingency plan for our daughter should the current situation change. We're also trying to envision a different future from what we originally planned, and we hope this will be a more positive one. Thanks again to all of you for your willingness to share, your insight and your words of support. It is very helpful

Wow Kmarla: This is a tough situation - not knowing where she is and the thought that someone could be taking advantage of her. I'm hoping that you can find a way to convince her to go to a safe place where she can get the help she needs. Do you have a NAMI type organization in Canada (National Alliance for Mental Illness) - if so, they could probably give you guidance as to how to convince her to go to a safe place and also guidance as to agencies that can help you with this situation. This is where there is a fine line - not knowing where my son is staying would kill me, I would not be able to sleep at night. Because after all that he has done, he is my child and I do love him. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and I wish you the best.

 

[House Cat]

My oldest child, who is my step son, has been suffering since he was a young child. He has been subject to abuse from two step fathers and he has untreated bipolar disorder. When he was 16, he was hospitalized for a suicide attempt that was staged, not real, two weeks after my step dad has actually committed suicide. During that hospital stay, the psych docs were saying "possible sociopath" and "narcissist." He staged the attempt because we wouldn't let him be alone with his girlfriend at her house. We found out her dad had been allowing it. He wanted his way, so he thought he would hold us the worst kind of hostage, "do what I want or I will kill myself." He was horrendous in the hospital, calling us almost every hour and cussing us out and demanding that we pick him up. It was insane, finally, I had to ask my husband to stop picking up the phone.

Then he decided that he didn't want to live with us or his mother. He wanted to live with his girlfriend. We fought while he was in the hospital to make him come home, but then we realized that he was going to use himself as a weapon against us. He didn't realize that he was messing up his life in the process. He would hurt himself or even kill himself to hurt us. And with that realization, we dropped the rope. We gave him his life and we stepped back. It was the only sane thing to do for all of us.

My step son traumatized all of us, most regrettably, my youngest son. There were times when his outbursts scared my youngest, who was just a toddler. My youngest has a nervous and obsessive personality now. He was predisposed, but we all know that it takes something to bring it out! My step daughter and other son, who are close in age to my step son, they didn't get the attention they deserved because we were so busy caring for stepson. Those other two kids are AMAZING people!!!

So, how did dropping the rope work out? In the very beginning, I was kind of angry! Remember, there was a fake suicide attempt that happened and a lot of violence to process. I had to do EMDR in therapy. I had to work it out. I was HAPPY to have peace in the house. I was glad that I could focus on the other kids. Much like the peanut butter, I didn't have to look over my shoulder and worry about the next argument. My best friend came to stay for a week and she said that there was a whole new feeling of peace in the house. Step son got girlfriend pregnant, before we dropped the rope, probably right when we found out her dad was letting them hang out alone. Then, not long after the baby was born, he assaulted her, checked himself into the hospital, and he cut us off. We didn't talk for over two years.

We heard about him from time to time from family. I cried a lot.

Then, one Christmas, he wanted to see us. We all kissed and made up. He tried to push boundaries for a visit or two, but we are much, much stronger. He sees that. On our side, we believe that his life is his. We are GOOD with that, relieved even. We won't save him from any mess he has made. He's gotten himself arrested a couple of times and we heard after the fact. He knows better than to call us. He got his hand maimed by a junkyard dog while drunk, he called, but we let him handle it. Our effort, time, and energy is going to be placed on our 10-year-old.

Our step son is going to have to learn from his life. The difficult and bad decisions he makes will shape his choices in the future. What scares me is if I were to save him from one of these "smaller" bad choices now, then he might make an even worse bad choice in the future...and knowing my step son, he will. All that I can do now is pray that he will learn.

Ok, that was really long-winded.


How did I know when enough was enough? When I saw that my love and help was going to kill him and me.

 

[kmarla]

Oh, Housecat! Thank you so much for sharing. You don't have any idea how timely it is, and my heart goes out to you and your family. We also have gone through running away, suicide attempts (some staged, some real), self-harm, police arrests etc with her. Your son's scenario is very familiar to us, minus a pregnancy. She was sixteen and the creep was twenty three. At the time, the legal age of consent here was 14. It's now 16. I will share now that the day she ran away this time, she told us that she was going to a friends house to celebrate her one year anniversary of being self-harm free. They were going to make it a special event. She had been doing a countdown for 30 days at home, and every morning we gave her a hug and told her how proud we were of her. She called us in the evening from this friends house to ask for a ride home.
Her dad got the address and went to get her. When he arrived, she had a huge meltdown and said she was now living with these people and stormed back in the apartment. He was so confused and couldn't change her mind. She had no money, ID, meds, clothes. We didn't have a clue this would happen. Christmas had been great and we just got back the night before.

We are not going to save her any more. An hour ago I checked the bank account and it has been cleaned out. She found a loophole around the restriction in place for withdrawals. I just got off the phone with the bank. She clearly had help doing this as it's not something she would know on her own. I think I mentioned that she has intellectual challenges as well (developmental challenges). One of my friends just told me that my daughter posted on Instagram that she's getting a new tattoo. She has several tattoos and piercings already, most of them souvenirs from other crises.

Some of you might be wondering about legal guardianship. Yes, we have looked into it carefully, and while it is a tool, it also has a big downside. First of all, we would told it was highly unlikely she would meet the threshold, and she would never cooperatively give us guardianship. The big downside is that it does absolutely nothing to change her behaviour, so we would still be dealing with all these issues but we would also be legally liable for any harm or damage she causes. The lawyer highly recommended against it.

I think I need to do some deep breathing right now. This is hard. We're not backing away from our decision, but it's hard to bear.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am a psychotherapist and recommend NAMI to all my patient's family. In my state they offer a free, family to family course. It could give you support and insight on how to protect yourself while help her. Sorry you are going through this.

Great advise. I have taken the NAMI family to family course which has helped so much. I still refer to my binder when I need to reference some of the information covered in the course. I would recommend this to anyone going through the struggle with a mentally ill family member. Our son does have talk therapy and sees a psychiatrist regularly. We do family therapy with him however, it's his time to "bash" my husband and I on all of the terrible things we do to him. It's interesting how the mentally ill continue to blame everyone else for their actions.

Plus it is free!

Not sure where you are located but I found this http://www.namiontario.ca/course-locations.html

 

[azstonie]

Outofthefog.net

Toolbox and support forum, especially.

 

[kmarla]

Thank you again Tacori e-ring. I have been in touch already with CMHA as they are the conduit for the f2 program here. I'm waiting for the coordinator of the course to contact me, and it looks like there is one starting in April. Hopefully there will be space available for us. I'm also waiting for the CMHA facilities coordinator to call me back and see what other help is available. That could take up to 5 days. Good news, I found out that there is an f2 support group in our neighbourhood, and I'm going to e-mail the coordinator shortly. I've realized now that because of the dual diagnosis, we've always been funnelled through the autism branch, never the mental health branch. That's changing right now!

Azstonie, thank you for the link!

 

[Jambalaya]

Wow, House Cat. That all sounds incredibly difficult. I am so glad that you and your husband have been able to find a way to effectively deal with your stepson. It sounds as if you restored peace in your lives.

I'm very impressed that others here have shared their stories in order to help the OP. I have some issues in my family too but not with kids. Even so, it makes you see that you are not alone in having mentally ill family members.

I think so much mental illness within families is denied or hidden so only people on the inside know what is really going on.