What makes for a happy relationship?

[Sha]

This was inspired from the other thread on marriages/relationships. What do you think makes a relationship happy?

Also, what do you think makes for a happier/better relationship - similarities or differences? (The old "do opposites really attract" question....)

 

[lyra]

Communication? Honesty. Compromise. I could go on all day. It's different things for different people. Having a lot in common has worked for us. Treating each other as equals helps a great deal too.

 

[sonnyjane]

Communication? Honesty. Compromise. I could go on all day. It's different things for different people. Having a lot in common has worked for us. Treating each other as equals helps a great deal too.

Completely different things for different people. As for what makes my DH and I happy - LOTS of independence. We travel with each other, but we also will plan boys/girls getaways without each other. We also have separate hobbies that we each enjoy and might go off and do that for an afternoon. I feel this makes us value our time together, but also not lose ourselves.

As Lyra said, communication is also crucial. We will say whatever we have to say, whether or not it might hurt the other person, in the interest of truth. Because of that, I can honestly say (and this shocks my friends) that we have not had a fight in our nine years together. We disagree about things, and have even been a bit upset with each other at times, but we've never had a fight. No yelling. No screaming. No nasty language. Never. It's shocking even to me!

 

[kenny]

Whatever makes you and your partner happy.

People/couples vary.
Whatever makes one couple happy may not make another couple happy.

 

[Sha]

Thanks for your responses so far! Insightful.

I think I'm most curious about the second question actually, now that I think about it...

So...do you think opposites attract or that similarisimilarities make for a better relationship?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Never to talk about money...

 

[Sha]

Never to talk about money...

Hmmmmm....

 

[missy]

Communication, love and empathy and honesty. The desire to put the other one first. A sense of humor is critical. To allow each other to be themselves and to nuture each other bringing out the best in each of you.

I think having interests and beliefs in common is important just as having some differences to keep things interesting. It is important to share core values and to have the same goals for your future together.

And I agree with DF. My dad always told me never to argue about money. Oh wait DF wrote talk about money. No you have to talk about money lol. That is key. Communication communication communication. That way there won't be any nasty surprises along the way.

 

[chrono]

Sorry, DF, but communication about money is very important. There is no need to go in-depth about the details of personal savings and spending but family finances (shared bills such as the mortgage, utilities, and the like) must be openly discussed and mutually agreed upon.

 

[MissStepcut]

I think the #1 most important thing is being able to trust the other person to do roughly what you would have done, at times when you weren't able to do it. Fights about child-rearing and money basically boil down to that.

 

[aviastar]

It varies so much from couple to couple, but I, personally, feel that the foundation of a happy relationship across must be respect. How can you build any of those other things- trust, good communications, inside fart jokes, mutual independence, whatever floats your boat as a couple- without the respect for each other to do so?

In my particular case, it's a balance of similarities and differences. We're on the same page, generally, with politics, money management, family boundaries, both needing "home" time to unwind, our love of dogs and critters. The nuances differ, of course, we don't always agree, but that makes for excellent discussion and avoiding become stuck and stale in our thoughts.

One major place we differ is religion, which can be a deal breaker for many. Gladly, we ARE the same in that we both adhere to a highly live and let live philosophy. So he lives without and I live with it and it works for us.

Other differences are much more superficial, but complimentary between us and yes, I think they attract- I'm a little flightly and much more emotional on the outside of my skin; he is the hardest working person I know and doesn't really know what to do with a day off. Things like that- it's never boring!

 

[iLander]

Reading this over, it's a rambly hodge-podge, but I'm hanging my hat on 32 years experience, not my writing ability:

Constant communication. I think this is easier for extroverts, introverts need to make sure stuff doesn't fester. It's rare that I have an unexpressed thought and DH is comfortable mentioning if something bothers him. I think it's so pitiful when people live together for years and one (the woman usually) is "afraid to bring up marriage". Well, then he ain't the guy for you. Because you will have to talk about ALLLLLL kinds of things over the years and if you aren't comfortable, then it's not going to work.

Respect and Trust; has to go both ways. I think DH is amazing, smart, etc., and he says the same about me.

Not nagging; at our house, whoever complains about it, has to fix it. Floor dirty? You can't nag about it, you have do it yourself. Usually one will start and the other joins in without being asked. We both have serious problems with authority (both our parents were super bossy and rude) so no one can tell either of us what to do and this is how we worked it out. But you also trust that the other person has similar ideas of cleanliness as you do and eventually it will be taken care of. If someone nags, the whole relationship degrades into one partner being the parent. That won't last. Seriously, what's more important, a marriage, or the socks on the floor? Screw the socks.

Don't take yourself so seriously! Geez, some people think they're the smartest, prettiest, whatever, and you say boo and they get SOOOOO pissed. Get over yourself. Realize that sometimes you're annoying, or dumb, or smelly, or whatever. And together you laugh it off, both partners should be able to laugh at themselves.

Can't be shallow; I hear women talk about how handsome their hubby is. And that's all they talk about. Poor guy, I hope he never goes bald or gets injured/sick/fat. Or disfigured in an accident. Or old. Hope he can beat that. Because that's all his partner seems to love. Same with men loving only their wife's looks, obviously. Marriage is for better or for worse.

Put the other's happiness ahead of your own. It's a bi-product of all the rest of the things on this list, it just happens.

Realize that everything changes: all the time. New jobs, kids, house, town, school, etc. (that's what my "life count" thread was supposed to demonstrate to everyone). Take the long view. If things are good now, enjoy it, count your blessings, store it up. If things are bad now, realize it won't always be that way.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Sorry, DF, but communication about money is very important. There is no need to go in-depth about the details of personal savings and spending but family finances (shared bills such as the mortgage, utilities, and the like) must be openly discussed and mutually agreed upon.

If wife and I talk about money we would have divorced many years ago. I lost a lot of money in the stock market in the past few years including 50% of her 401K, over 70% of her IRA, over 75% of my IRA, plus my regular stock account is now worthless ... Soooo in our case I'd prefer not to bring up the money subject, b/c she might shoot me..

 

[stracci2000]

What makes a happy relationship?
Having many things in common.

My ex husband and I didnt share many interests.
I love art, ethnic food, jewelry and cats.
My ex loved sports, meat/potatoes, and was allergic to cats.
We were like oil and water. That's why he is my ex.

My current partner and I love all the same things. He loves our cats like they are his babies. It is bliss.

 

[missy]

Haha just asked my dh his best advice for a happy marriage and his sage answer? "Give your wife everything she wants". Yup that works for me.

Seriously though I stand by my comments that making each other your first priority is critical for a happy marriage (at least for us). Whatever that entails. I know couples who have children and some put the kids first and some put each other first and I think that those who put each other first have a more successful happier marriage. If you are happy as a couple there is a better chance the children will be happy too. Of course as with all things YMMV and this is my opinion only.

What makes a happy relationship?
Having many things in common.

My ex husband and I didnt share many interests.
I love art, ethnic food, jewelry and cats.
My ex loved sports, meat/potatoes, and was allergic to cats.
We were like oil and water. That's why he is my ex.

My current partner and I love all the same things. He loves our cats like they are his babies. It is bliss.

Stracci, when my dh and I started dating I had 3 kitties and he was very allergic. He thought I was worth it though and stuck around and when he proposed he included the kitties too. Romantic and sweet and thoughtful. And he has been getting allergy shots for the last decade and a half or so and doing great. So just saying sometimes it may seem like there is an unsurmountable difference but when you really want something you can make it work. So I would never tell someone to rule a person out because of something like animal allergies. Not if you *really* love someone. Remember the saying that goes something like this: Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty.

Also the ever popular saying: the path to true love is never that smooth. But it is worth it. 100% worth it.

I am glad your dh loves your kitties as if they are (and they are now) his own. That is the way it should be. Yay for wedded bliss!

 

[Dancing Fire]

What makes a happy relationship?
Having many things in common.

My ex husband and I didnt share many interests.
I love art, ethnic food, jewelry and cats.
My ex loved sports, meat/potatoes, and was allergic to cats.
We were like oil and water. That's why he is my ex.

My current partner and I love all the same things. He loves our cats like they are his babies. It is bliss.

My wife and I have nothing in common. I mean NOTHING! She don't care for any of my hobbies.

 

[tyty333]

Sorry, DF, but communication about money is very important. There is no need to go in-depth about the details of personal savings and spending but family finances (shared bills such as the mortgage, utilities, and the like) must be openly discussed and mutually agreed upon.

If wife and I talk about money we would have divorced many years ago. I lost a lot of money in the stock market in the past few years including 50% of her 401K, over 70% of her IRA, over 75% of my IRA, plus my regular stock account is now worthless ... Soooo in our case I'd prefer not to bring up the money subject, b/c she might shoot me..

I hope she fired you as her money manager!

 

[tyty333]

I think kindness, respect and communications are big. Ability to make someone else's needs a high priority. I think more similarities
make for a good marriage.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Sorry, DF, but communication about money is very important. There is no need to go in-depth about the details of personal savings and spending but family finances (shared bills such as the mortgage, utilities, and the like) must be openly discussed and mutually agreed upon.

If wife and I talk about money we would have divorced many years ago. I lost a lot of money in the stock market in the past few years including 50% of her 401K, over 70% of her IRA, over 75% of my IRA, plus my regular stock account is now worthless ... Soooo in our case I'd prefer not to bring up the money subject, b/c she might shoot me..

I hope she fired you as her money manager!

Too late now!... Our money is "gone with the wind"..

 

[luv2sparkle]

I think it comes down to commitment. Commitment to talk things over. Commitment to be each others best friend. Commitment to always believe the best about each other, to be kind to each other. We all start out that way, but it takes determination and commitment to stay that way.

 

[AshBee]

Communication always! Being able to understand each other and provide the support the person needs to be comfortable saying whatever they need to say without fear of judgement.

The ability to see past yourself, and make something about your partner. This was a tough one for me because I never wanted to put somebody other than myself first. I was always very selfish in my past relationships. Now I find I get so much more out of a relationship when I'm willing to put my whole heart into making him happy, and making him my priority. I realized it isn't about a give and take relationship, it's about mutual respect and moving forward together because you are always on the same team.

My fiancé and I are very complementary people. He is quiet and reserved, whereas I am social and obnoxious. It works out great. He also is better at being assertive than I am, and he always stands up for me when I'm being too polite and being walked all over. I also bring him out of his shell to try new things.

Commitment would be my last one. Relationships change and require you to adapt to them, so the commitment to continue working and actively putting more into the relatiosnhip is super important. It needs consistent nurturing, otherwise it will stagnate.