What makes a strong marriage?

[HollyS]

Date: 4/26/2009 9:38:08 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/26/2009 8:17:25 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 4/26/2009 3:27:34 PM
Author: Haven
Find a man you adore and love spending time with, and make sure that he doesn''t annoy you.
Seriously.

Sweet and succinct. That is it in a nutshell.

(Personally speaking, I found it easy to be annoyed. That''s why it took me so long to find Mr. Right!)

Oh, me too Holly. I am so easily annoyed, so my friends will often joke that DH is ''the one'' because he doesn''t annoy me. They always say it in jest, but there is a lot of truth in it.

Just add ''easily annoyed'' to the list of our striking similarities!

I feel I''m in good company!

 

[zhuzhu]

Also, I want to add that you should marry someone who you will be completely happy with even if that means you don''t get to have any diamonds. When you find someone you are willing to trade all your diamonds in for, then you know for sure that you love him!

 

[LaraOnline]

Geez you've got some good advice here!
Firstly, are you looking for a boyfriend, or do you have a mate in mind?

If you are still at the wheat-sorting stage, I'd say steer clear of guys that say they 'don't see the point of marriage'. Fair enough. It's amazing how many girls don't believe them, and press on!! (I was one of those girls)

The other type of 'steer clear' is if you've got a guy who seems terribly keen on marriage...but doesn't seem to be good marriage material himself. If there is something that makes you feel uneasy about the guy... AVOID. So often your gut instincts turn out to be right!

But you have to know that your own priorities are in whack too. If you have a pathological phobia of 'suits' perhaps you won't meet the great family guy who really is willing and ABLE to settle down and create a great life with you!
I'm afraid I went for the artist type. They seemed so interesting. But my DH, who was kind of the 'sporty nerdy' type was really what I needed all along... so much more grounded, realistic, hard working and ABLE to come through!!!

Party animals might be great fun, but I'm not so sure they are really the best marriage material. Marriage involves a sense of 'striking out on one's own'. A guy with lots of 'best mates' may not be independent enough to really make a good go of marriage.

So you need to have a good look at what you are willing and able to commit to. Are you genuinely ready to settle with a guy? Or are you craving security, but not actually able to think super-long term, because your lifestyle is still hectic... and you both like it that way?

Money does matter when it comes to marriage. Partly because having a plan is part of being a grown-up, and marriage is nothing if not grown up. As Vesper pointed out, you need the readies to be able to live a particular lifestyle you desire... being able to stay at home with your kids can cost money, and if you have an immature / uncommitted or simply a guy with different values, he may resent you wishing to be with your children at home.
So an ability to create some kind of stable working lifestyle (even if the money's not exactly pouring in yet), a maturity to be able to commit to that stable lifestyle, and a kind of shared values system between the two of you in relation to lifestyle, including issues such as childcare and financial responsibilities, is pretty much central.

Ara Anne's post is, I believe, a good post to read in relation to Vesper's. Anne's situation sums up my own fairly well, although I have not been lucky enough to have been married to my wonderful guy for anywhere near as long. Anne said:

Don't be afraid of a bank account 'poor' young guy, who is 'values rich' and working toward financial stability...none of us would want to be judged by our earning potential.../... The things I hold dearest are the things we have worked hard, to achieve, together...not what we brought to the table at the beginning.

It is so important to have the attitude, the values, the drive and direction to do well... brains, an ethic of hard work... all the boring things your mum probably likes in a guy!

I also really liked Pandora's list, with the 'compatible personalities' being so important.
Also I think part of what makes my man such a great partner is that he really puts me, and our kids, first, over any mate or relationship. I respect that, and I try to give, not take.

Finally, somethingshiny is on to something when she says you have to learn how to stand on your own feet as an adult. You have to take responsiblity for your own happiness within the relationship to some extent. You can't be needy and desperate all the time... there's no way anyone can fill a bottomless pit! Life can be good, and life can be hard...marriage means sharing the light and dark as it comes... and if you nurture it, it just gets better and better and better.

 

[KimberlyH]

Here's what has made my marriage strong:

We're best friends. We love being together, have lots in common (but enough differences to keep it interesting). We know each other, what makes us happy, sad, angry, etc.

We are partners. Neither one of us is more important than the other in this relationshp. We both take on responsibilities to keep our life functioning properly and we pick up each others' slack when necessary, without feeling slighted. We know marriage is sometimes 50-50 and sometimes 90-10.

We laugh together. We can be silly and relax and just have fun as a couple.

We put each other first. His happiness matters to me, and mine to him.

We recongize the need to nurture ourselves through other relationships and interests. We both have friends that aren't necessarily mutual. We don't have to do everything together. We fulfill our interests that we don't share in common on our own or with others.

We learned to disagree. We argue differently, and we have worked very hard to learn to work out our differences without hurting each other.

 

[suchende]

Just to reiterate, since two posters asked about it... Yes, I do have a boyfriend who I could see myself marrying. His sights are set on a lucrative career and he''s well on his way to getting there. I am on a similar path and am doing fine financially on my own.

It''s not that I am worried he will not buy me jewelry, but rather a concern that he will not be happy with my spending in the future.

It SEEMS now like we''re on the same page financially: debt-adverse, both want a DINK lifestyle, etc., but I know that there''s a lot I don''t know about what makes people financially compatible. When you don''t have a lot, it''s easy to agree on how your money should be spent: the rent, groceries, student loans etc.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 4/26/2009 1:38:54 PM
Author: vespergirl
I think that you have to find someone who has compatible values and future goals. I have been married twice - the first time in my early 20s to a fun guy that I loved to be with, but we had very different values when it came to the practical issues in a marriage. We had talked about both of us ''wanting to have enough money to live comfortably.'' For me, that meant an upper-middle class minimum six-figure salary, because that was the type of family that I had grown up in - but for him, if he had enough money to eat ramen noodles every night, he was happy. I also wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and his family had talked about the importance of having a parent at home all the time, and not sticking kids in daycare, which I agreed with. However, when he kept taking low-paying part-time jobs, and I told him that I didn''t feel comfortable having kids with someone who could barely support himself, he told me that I could get a night job cleaning offices so I could be home with them during the day

Excuse me, but that''s not why I went to college. So, our brief union only lasted two years, and I felt a great sense of relief after my divorce.

The second time around, I was looking for someone who shared my traditional values, and who earned a good living. I remember hearing somewhere that ''you can fall in love with a rich man as easily as a poor man,'' so I only dated people who were high-earning professionals. If I wasn''t hanging around artist types, I wasn''t going to fall in love with one. When I met my husband, I met a stunningly handsome guy, with a great sense of humor, caring, gentle manners, and he was very ambitious and hardworking. He also wanted a wife that he could support, who would take care of him and our future kids. He is also very supportive of my career goals - when our child is in school, I plan to go back for my Master''s Degree, which he is happy to help me pay for. Not to say that there aren''t things he does that make me roll my eyes from time to time (and I''m sure he feels the same way about me) but we get along so well because we are both working towards the same goals.

I think it''s about knowing what you want your life to look like, and where you want to be in 20 years, and finding someone who has the same tools and ambitions that you do to get there. It''s different for everyone - what works for us might not work for everyone, so it''s about finding the man that has the same goals and ideals that you do.

So is it really just about the money

I don''t really know how to take this.


I think that to have a strong marriage you need to have common goals and respect each other. You need to have those hard conversations early on - and keep them going to stay on the same page. As Catholics, DH and I were sort of forced into this through our Pre Cana classes, but it was something that we had already been doing so it wasn''t really a big deal.

Marriage is not always easy - you will compromise, sacrifice and sometimes give things up and I think it''s important to recognize this before the wedding.

I''d like to toot my own horn for a moment and say that I think my marriage is strong. DH and I didn''t just go through the motions of planning a wedding. We planned for a marriage. We had those hard talks while dating and made sure that we were on the same page when it came to the biggies - money, children, sex, religion, politics, etc. We''ve been through easy times and some very tough times and we''re stronger because of that. We are always there for each other and have a great amount of respect for each other. We also TRUST each other and communicate with each other - which is even more important now that we''re parents. We''ve had our fair share of disagreements, but sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and leave it at that.

I''m sort of speechless about Vesper''s post because, to me, there is more to a happy marriage (and life) than having a lot of money. My marriage would certainly be easier if we had more money, but I''m not about to bail just because we both have to work for the things that we have. Maybe I''m the dumb one and should have only dated guys who were "high earning professionals" and then maybe I wouldn''t as poor as I am today

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/27/2009 11:01:32 AM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Date: 4/26/2009 1:38:54 PM

Author: vespergirl

I think that you have to find someone who has compatible values and future goals. I have been married twice - the first time in my early 20s to a fun guy that I loved to be with, but we had very different values when it came to the practical issues in a marriage. We had talked about both of us ''wanting to have enough money to live comfortably.'' For me, that meant an upper-middle class minimum six-figure salary, because that was the type of family that I had grown up in - but for him, if he had enough money to eat ramen noodles every night, he was happy. I also wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and his family had talked about the importance of having a parent at home all the time, and not sticking kids in daycare, which I agreed with. However, when he kept taking low-paying part-time jobs, and I told him that I didn''t feel comfortable having kids with someone who could barely support himself, he told me that I could get a night job cleaning offices so I could be home with them during the day

Excuse me, but that''s not why I went to college. So, our brief union only lasted two years, and I felt a great sense of relief after my divorce.


The second time around, I was looking for someone who shared my traditional values, and who earned a good living. I remember hearing somewhere that ''you can fall in love with a rich man as easily as a poor man,'' so I only dated people who were high-earning professionals. If I wasn''t hanging around artist types, I wasn''t going to fall in love with one. When I met my husband, I met a stunningly handsome guy, with a great sense of humor, caring, gentle manners, and he was very ambitious and hardworking. He also wanted a wife that he could support, who would take care of him and our future kids. He is also very supportive of my career goals - when our child is in school, I plan to go back for my Master''s Degree, which he is happy to help me pay for. Not to say that there aren''t things he does that make me roll my eyes from time to time (and I''m sure he feels the same way about me) but we get along so well because we are both working towards the same goals.


I think it''s about knowing what you want your life to look like, and where you want to be in 20 years, and finding someone who has the same tools and ambitions that you do to get there. It''s different for everyone - what works for us might not work for everyone, so it''s about finding the man that has the same goals and ideals that you do.

So is it really just about the money

I don''t really know how to take this.



I think that to have a strong marriage you need to have common goals and respect each other. You need to have those hard conversations early on - and keep them going to stay on the same page. As Catholics, DH and I were sort of forced into this through our Pre Cana classes, but it was something that we had already been doing so it wasn''t really a big deal.


Marriage is not always easy - you will compromise, sacrifice and sometimes give things up and I think it''s important to recognize this before the wedding.


I''d like to toot my own horn for a moment and say that I think my marriage is strong. DH and I didn''t just go through the motions of planning a wedding. We planned for a marriage. We had those hard talks while dating and made sure that we were on the same page when it came to the biggies - money, children, sex, religion, politics, etc. We''ve been through easy times and some very tough times and we''re stronger because of that. We are always there for each other and have a great amount of respect for each other. We also TRUST each other and communicate with each other - which is even more important now that we''re parents. We''ve had our fair share of disagreements, but sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and leave it at that.


I''m sort of speechless about Vesper''s post because, to me, there is more to a happy marriage (and life) than having a lot of money. My marriage would certainly be easier if we had more money, but I''m not about to bail just because we both have to work for the things that we have. Maybe I''m the dumb one and should have only dated guys who were ''high earning professionals'' and then maybe I wouldn''t as poor as I am today

If it''s something VG and her husband see eye-to-eye on and her intentions weren''t "bad" or subversive, then I don''t see what the problem is.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/27/2009 10:30:20 AM
Author: suchende
Just to reiterate, since two posters asked about it... Yes, I do have a boyfriend who I could see myself marrying. His sights are set on a lucrative career and he''s well on his way to getting there. I am on a similar path and am doing fine financially on my own.

It''s not that I am worried he will not buy me jewelry, but rather a concern that he will not be happy with my spending in the future.

It SEEMS now like we''re on the same page financially: debt-adverse, both want a DINK lifestyle, etc., but I know that there''s a lot I don''t know about what makes people financially compatible. When you don''t have a lot, it''s easy to agree on how your money should be spent: the rent, groceries, student loans etc.

that means lots of diamonds for ya !!

 

[suchende]

What is wrong with wanting to date high-earning professionals? I don''t think my boyfriend would date someone who didn''t have similar levels of drive and ambition. It would be frustrating for both people.

 

[suchende]

Date: 4/27/2009 11:12:27 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 4/27/2009 10:30:20 AM
Author: suchende
Just to reiterate, since two posters asked about it... Yes, I do have a boyfriend who I could see myself marrying. His sights are set on a lucrative career and he''s well on his way to getting there. I am on a similar path and am doing fine financially on my own.

It''s not that I am worried he will not buy me jewelry, but rather a concern that he will not be happy with my spending in the future.

It SEEMS now like we''re on the same page financially: debt-adverse, both want a DINK lifestyle, etc., but I know that there''s a lot I don''t know about what makes people financially compatible. When you don''t have a lot, it''s easy to agree on how your money should be spent: the rent, groceries, student loans etc.

that means lots of diamonds for ya !!

Unless he would rather spend it all on investment properties and begrudges me every last carat, lol!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 4/27/2009 11:15:16 AM
Author: suchende
What is wrong with wanting to date high-earning professionals? I don''t think my boyfriend would date someone who didn''t have similar levels of drive and ambition. It would be frustrating for both people.

Having similar levels of drive and ambition is different than cutting an entire class of persons out of your dating pool just because they don''t have the bank account to match that level of drive and ambition.

My DH and I both have high drives and ambition and we''re poor (at least by PS standards) so what does that say about us? Are we lesser people because we don''t make anywhere near six figures a year?

Hudson - I don''t think that Vesper''s intentions were bad, but I just find it interesting that so much value is placed on money in her relationships (and apparently others'' as well). As a mother, I certainly respect her choice to want to stay home with her children so they wouldn''t have to attend daycare; but having to work two jobs (or more) to make ends meet is nothing to be ashamed of - at least not where I come from.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/27/2009 11:31:39 AM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Date: 4/27/2009 11:15:16 AM

Author: suchende

What is wrong with wanting to date high-earning professionals? I don''t think my boyfriend would date someone who didn''t have similar levels of drive and ambition. It would be frustrating for both people.

Having similar levels of drive and ambition is different than cutting an entire class of persons out of your dating pool just because they don''t have the bank account to match that level of drive and ambition.


My DH and I both have high drives and ambition and we''re poor (at least by PS standards) so what does that say about us? Are we lesser people because we don''t make anywhere near six figures a year?


Hudson - I don''t think that Vesper''s intentions were bad, but I just find it interesting that so much value is placed on money in her relationships (and apparently others'' as well). As a mother, I certainly respect her choice to want to stay home with her children so they wouldn''t have to attend daycare; but having to work two jobs (or more) to make ends meet is nothing to be ashamed of - at least not where I come from.

I can''t speak for VG, but I don''t think she was saying it was a shameful way of life. I think she was saying that based on past experiences she had made a plan for how she wanted to live her life and where she wanted to be several years down the road. All she did was find someone with similar goals who could be a partner to her and ensure that their mutual life-view was achieved. Clearly the issue with marriage number one was one of values and not really money.

"However, when he kept taking low-paying part-time jobs, and I told him that I didn''t feel comfortable having kids with someone who could barely support himself, he told me that I could get a night job cleaning offices so I could be home with them during the day"

I 100% agree with VG on this. There''s nothing wrong with expecting the woman to work, but to ask her to take a night job so she could be at home with the kids while he worked part time and did who knows what else with the rest of his time, is just disrespectful to VG and their future family. He was selfish, immature and clearly had no concept of what it takes to raise and successfully manage a family. And when I say that I don''t mean that it takes money. It takes mutual respect and teamwork. Both of which he was lacking.

I don''t fault VG for her choice in her second marriage and I don''t think she should be judged because her opinion differs from that of others. Some men want to be the primary bread-winners and take care of the family. Some women want to make managing a household and raising a family their #1 priority. VG did what we as women are evolutionarily meant to do; and that''s to find a mate who can successfully support his mate and their offspring. Whether that''s through money, farming, or building a roof-by hand-over her head.

 

[Black Jade]

Hollys has been giving some good advice. I suspect she is someone who has been happily married for a long time from what she says.
I am 26 years in June and me and husband were dating 7 years before that (but could not marry, we were 17 and 18 when we met and were in school).
We are VERY happy and we are more in love now than we met and the physical side of our marriage is great and very satisfying and we are also best friends as well as parents of 3 kids (who often drive us crazy but are doing pretty well).
But we have had a lot of ups and downs, which is something I think anyone who has been married a long time will tell you. We have had big issues like one very ill child, as well as issues sorting out how much work was workaholism (on the part of my husband) and how to balance career with the children''s needs (for me). He has had to support me through things like an eating disorder (I was severely bulimic at one point). We have been through the death of two parents (both oru fathers) and my parents split up (after forty years of marriage) and plenty of other things I can''t even remember--as well as many ecstatically happy times which are memories that help glue us together now.
#1 thing of importance in picking mate--take some time. People have all kinds of flaws that don''t show up in short relationships when they are on their best behavior. Do not live with the person, that''s not a good idea, but be around them and watch how they behave in a lot of circumstances--how they treat other people is key. People who are nasty to people they think are beneath them or are not useful to them are poison; people who disrespect their parents are a problem; men who always speak poorly of women in general or women who disrespect the whole male sex are very bad bets. People who cannot take being disagreed with and are spoiled are to be avoided. And you need to notice how the person handles disagreements. A selfish character shows up in a lot of ways, big and little.
And selfishness does not mean that the person won''t do what you want! There may a good reason why they won''t. Your remark about needing to marry someone who buys you sparklies or allows you to buy them no matter what raises a red flag. ''Sparklies'' are an extra. A couple would need to consider their financial independence, having enough savings and budgeting for such things as a home and children''s education way before the jewelry and other toys.
You sound as if you as still in the stage where you think about ''you'' not about a potential ''us''. It''s probably a bad idea to get married when you''re at the point. The very wisest thing I ever heard about marriage is that it can''t be 50-50. Each person has to be willing to give the other person 90% and only expect 10% back. Each partner has to put the other person first, ALL THE TIME. This is called, growing up.
I hope I don''t sound mean, but I believe in telling the truth. I don''t know you, so I''m only talking about the way you SOUND. You may well be someone who expresses themselves badly (which is easy on online) and has a good heart. Or it may be insecurity talking. People who haven''t been treated by others (such as parents) as if they are of value, may be putting their security in objects such as jewelry because it makes them feel as if they are safe and secure. They may feel that they can''t trust another human being not to hurt them, but that they will be ok if they have a lot of ''stuff''. If you think this might be you, this is something that should be addressed before you consider marrying; it will save you a lot of unhappiness.
Best,

 

[suchende]

Date: 4/27/2009 11:46:32 AM
Author: Black Jade
Hollys has been giving some good advice. I suspect she is someone who has been happily married for a long time from what she says.
I am 26 years in June and me and husband were dating 7 years before that (but could not marry, we were 17 and 18 when we met and were in school).
We are VERY happy and we are more in love now than we met and the physical side of our marriage is great and very satisfying and we are also best friends as well as parents of 3 kids (who often drive us crazy but are doing pretty well).
But we have had a lot of ups and downs, which is something I think anyone who has been married a long time will tell you. We have had big issues like one very ill child, as well as issues sorting out how much work was workaholism (on the part of my husband) and how to balance career with the children's needs (for me). He has had to support me through things like an eating disorder (I was severely bulimic at one point). We have been through the death of two parents (both oru fathers) and my parents split up (after forty years of marriage) and plenty of other things I can't even remember--as well as many ecstatically happy times which are memories that help glue us together now.
#1 thing of importance in picking mate--take some time. People have all kinds of flaws that don't show up in short relationships when they are on their best behavior. Do not live with the person, that's not a good idea, but be around them and watch how they behave in a lot of circumstances--how they treat other people is key. People who are nasty to people they think are beneath them or are not useful to them are poison; people who disrespect their parents are a problem; men who always speak poorly of women in general or women who disrespect the whole male sex are very bad bets. People who cannot take being disagreed with and are spoiled are to be avoided. And you need to notice how the person handles disagreements. A selfish character shows up in a lot of ways, big and little.
And selfishness does not mean that the person won't do what you want! There may a good reason why they won't. Your remark about needing to marry someone who buys you sparklies or allows you to buy them no matter what raises a red flag. 'Sparklies' are an extra. A couple would need to consider their financial independence, having enough savings and budgeting for such things as a home and children's education way before the jewelry and other toys.
You sound as if you as still in the stage where you think about 'you' not about a potential 'us'. It's probably a bad idea to get married when you're at the point. The very wisest thing I ever heard about marriage is that it can't be 50-50. Each person has to be willing to give the other person 90% and only expect 10% back. Each partner has to put the other person first, ALL THE TIME. This is called, growing up.
I hope I don't sound mean, but I believe in telling the truth. I don't know you, so I'm only talking about the way you SOUND. You may well be someone who expresses themselves badly (which is easy on online) and has a good heart. Or it may be insecurity talking. People who haven't been treated by others (such as parents) as if they are of value, may be putting their security in objects such as jewelry because it makes them feel as if they are safe and secure. They may feel that they can't trust another human being not to hurt them, but that they will be ok if they have a lot of 'stuff'. If you think this might be you, this is something that should be addressed before you consider marrying; it will save you a lot of unhappiness.
Best,

I never said that. In fact, I specifically said I do not expect him to. I seriously don't know where you got the impression that my priorities are out of line. Of course things like retirement savings and necessities comes first.

 

[DiamondFlame]

I got a divorce 4 years ago after a marriage lasting 6 yrs. I honestly can't tell what makes a strong marriage BUT from personal experience I'll offer a perspective on what makes a WEAK marriage.

Communication breakdown
We practically stopped talking a year after our daughter was born. All she talked about was her work, herself and nothing else. I couldn't start a conversation with her about politics, current affairs, personal growth, my work, etc.

Different expectations due to different background
I grew up with a stay at home mum who looked after us. Dad was the sole breadwinner. She grew up in a dual income family with a hired domestic helper tending to domestic chores. When we got married we both decided against hiring domestic help. But I ended up doing most of the domestic chores incl nappy changes while she went to sleep promptly at 9pm every night.

Unequal sharing of financial/domestic responsibilities
We earned similar incomes and split the mortgage repayments 50-50. But I had to foot the renovation bill and utilities while she paid for the baby stuff and non-existent groceries since she hardly cooks. I didn't really mind taking the lion's share of the finances but I started feeling I'm supporting someone who didn't really care since she seldom helps out at home. The unfairness of it all ate into me and grew into resentment. I gave up my job and became a stay at home dad for nearly 2 years to look after our daughter, using my savings to shore up the finances. But she resented the fact that she had to start supporting me while my daughter grew closer to me.

Divergent goals
She's into money and lifestyle. I'm into personal growth, helping others, finding a meaningful life. She took on additional assignments to support a more extravagant lifestyle while I use my time volunteering at crisis centres.

I held on to the marriage for the sake of our girl. But the final straw came when she had an affair. She married the guy 5 months after the divorce while 4 yrs on, I'm still having residual fears over marriage.

The MISTAKE we made was in NOT ironing out the differences we had in these issues BEFORE even contemplating marriage. She wanted to get married cuz her peers were already married and I fullfilled her checklist. I got married to move on after a failed relationship. Ours was a RECIPE for a DiSASTROUS marriage to say the least.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 4/27/2009 11:15:16 AM
Author: suchende
What is wrong with wanting to date high-earning professionals? I don''t think my boyfriend would date someone who didn''t have similar levels of drive and ambition. It would be frustrating for both people.

I will not say that is wrong to want to marry a guy that has high-earning. But I marriaged is so much more thant that. Accidents, sickness, incapacity, and so many other things can happen in the future. And that high-earning man can become someone that depends totally of you. So I will take a consideration a lot of more things like value, mutual respect, kindness, compatibly personalities, friendship, passion and a lot of love. Someone that i will want to be with forever even if he lost his job, and I have to become a wife at work and hubby at home with kids.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:07:56 PM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2009 11:15:16 AM

Author: suchende

What is wrong with wanting to date high-earning professionals? I don''t think my boyfriend would date someone who didn''t have similar levels of drive and ambition. It would be frustrating for both people.

I will not say that is wrong to want to marry a guy that has high-earning. But I marriaged is so much more thant that. Accidents, sickness, incapacity, and so many other things can happen in the future. And that high-earning man can become someone that depends totally of you. So I will take a consideration a lot of more things like value, mutual respect, kindness, compatibly personalities, friendship, passion and a lot of love. Someone that i will want to be with forever even if he lost his job, and I have to become a wife at work and hubby at home with kids.

But why can''t you want both? Maybe suchende found someone with equal "status" and together they share values, mutual respect, kindness, compatible personalities, etc.

 

[suchende]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:11:55 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

But why can''t you want both? Maybe suchende found someone with equal ''status'' and together they share values, mutual respect, kindness, compatible personalities, etc.

Exactly, Hudson!

You know what I''ve learned from this thread so far? There are SO MANY variables to take into consideration, and I am SO LUCKY that our relationship seems to pass every test. Maybe things won''t work out quite the way I imagine, maybe he''ll get upset with me for the occasional pair of earrings, but dang! We''re doing pretty good!

 

[Bia]

I absolutely believe that in order to have a strong marriage, you need to find someone that shares similar values, and will support your goals (and you his/hers). Otherwise why bother? Love is essential of course, but if you aren't going to follow eachother's path 5-10 years into the marriage, it's not going to last. If money is one of your main objectives in life, then find someone with money, or someone who is going to have it.

And PS- I don't think that's having your priorities out of order, in fact, I think it's very honest. So many people settle, and then grow to resent (and even hate) their partners for something he/she can't change, or maybe doesn't want to.

 

[DiamondFlame]

Mutual respect is key. Give and take. Open communication. There''s no reason why you can''t have your sparklies AND a great marriage... We guys have our little indulgences too and love our toys...

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:07:56 PM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2009 11:15:16 AM

Author: suchende

What is wrong with wanting to date high-earning professionals? I don''t think my boyfriend would date someone who didn''t have similar levels of drive and ambition. It would be frustrating for both people.

I will not say that is wrong to want to marry a guy that has high-earning. But I marriaged is so much more thant that. Accidents, sickness, incapacity, and so many other things can happen in the future. And that high-earning man can become someone that depends totally of you. So I will take a consideration a lot of more things like value, mutual respect, kindness, compatibly personalities, friendship, passion and a lot of love. Someone that i will want to be with forever even if he lost his job, and I have to become a wife at work and hubby at home with kids.

Yes, you never know if that six figure job will dry up or if illness or an accident will take away the ability to provide...my sister and her husband are going through that now. he was in a very serious car accident 10 months ago and he''s thankful he''s alive and doing fairly well, but is on disability and may not be able to go back to work...it''s out of their hands, but they didn''t marry to join bank accounts, they respect and love each other in many other ways too...that''s when it matters most...the fact that they can count on each other and not just the numbers in the bank account.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:16:02 PM
Author: suchende

Date: 4/27/2009 12:11:55 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk


But why can''t you want both? Maybe suchende found someone with equal ''status'' and together they share values, mutual respect, kindness, compatible personalities, etc.

Exactly, Hudson!


You know what I''ve learned from this thread so far? There are SO MANY variables to take into consideration, and I am SO LUCKY that our relationship seems to pass every test. Maybe things won''t work out quite the way I imagine, maybe he''ll get upset with me for the occasional pair of earrings, but dang! We''re doing pretty good!

It''s not wrong to want both. But even couples with high incomes have unhappy marriages, thats what I was saying, there are more important things to think about when you are trying to find your soul mate. Between, sometimes high incomes came with more hours at work, and less time with family. So we have to think in the whole picture. I love diamonds, but I love more my hubby, and he had job offers that will bring us to a really good life style, but that imply to wotk a lot more, I rather keep it real, than have a lot of sparkles, if he is never going to be at home

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:16:02 PM
Author: suchende

Date: 4/27/2009 12:11:55 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

But why can''t you want both? Maybe suchende found someone with equal ''status'' and together they share values, mutual respect, kindness, compatible personalities, etc.

Exactly, Hudson!

You know what I''ve learned from this thread so far? There are SO MANY variables to take into consideration, and I am SO LUCKY that our relationship seems to pass every test. Maybe things won''t work out quite the way I imagine, maybe he''ll get upset with me for the occasional pair of earrings, but dang! We''re doing pretty good!

remember, diamond isn''t everything...it is the only thing!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:28:24 PM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2009 12:16:02 PM

Author: suchende

Date: 4/27/2009 12:11:55 PM


Author: Hudson_Hawk



But why can''t you want both? Maybe suchende found someone with equal ''status'' and together they share values, mutual respect, kindness, compatible personalities, etc.

Exactly, Hudson!



You know what I''ve learned from this thread so far? There are SO MANY variables to take into consideration, and I am SO LUCKY that our relationship seems to pass every test. Maybe things won''t work out quite the way I imagine, maybe he''ll get upset with me for the occasional pair of earrings, but dang! We''re doing pretty good!

It''s not wrong to want both. But even couples with high incomes have unhappy marriages, thats what I was saying, there are more important things to think about when you are trying to find your soul mate. Between, sometimes high incomes came with more hours at work, and less time with family. So we have to think in the whole picture. I love diamonds, but I love more my hubby, and he had job offers that will bring us to a really good life style, but that imply to wotk a lot more, I rather keep it real, than have a lot of sparkles, if he is never going to be at home

Clearly things can happen and you should be prepared for the unexpected. But the point I''m trying to make is that in love, like everything else, you need balance. If being comfortable financially is important to you, then you need to lend weight to that just as much as the next thing. Not being honest with yourself and your SO will hurt your relationship more in the long run.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:28:24 PM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/27/2009 12:16:02 PM

Author: suchende

Date: 4/27/2009 12:11:55 PM


Author: Hudson_Hawk



But why can''t you want both? Maybe suchende found someone with equal ''status'' and together they share values, mutual respect, kindness, compatible personalities, etc.

Exactly, Hudson!



You know what I''ve learned from this thread so far? There are SO MANY variables to take into consideration, and I am SO LUCKY that our relationship seems to pass every test. Maybe things won''t work out quite the way I imagine, maybe he''ll get upset with me for the occasional pair of earrings, but dang! We''re doing pretty good!

It''s not wrong to want both. But even couples with high incomes have unhappy marriages, thats what I was saying, there are more important things to think about when you are trying to find your soul mate. Between, sometimes high incomes came with more hours at work, and less time with family. So we have to think in the whole picture. I love diamonds, but I love more my hubby, and he had job offers that will bring us to a really good life style, but that imply to wotk a lot more, I rather keep it real, than have a lot of sparkles, if he is never going to be at home

ITA!!! And the INCOME LEVEL does not matter, as far as financial responsibility goes...someone can live well and within their means making 60K a year, or they can get into debt, just as someone making 200K a year can be comfortable, or get into debt! The income doesn''t matter, it''s what you choose to do with what you do have that does. Priorities matter. I love diamonds too, but my husband and my children are my most precious jewels and I wouldn''t have to sell them if faced with a financial crisis! Many previously wealthy people ARE hocking their precious jewels to make their bills...if you have to hock it to get by, your priorities were out of line to begin with.

 

[steph72276]

Wow, this is a very interesting thread. When I met my husband, we were both college students earning very little. I fell in love with the person he is, not what he had in his bank account. We did however, talk about the important things before we decided to get married and worked out everything as far as how to handle money, how many kids we wanted, etc. Now that he is very successful, I feel very blessed to be able to stay at home with our child; however, if this was not the case, it wouldn''t make me love my husband less. I too, think that at any moment sickness, accident, job loss, etc. can happen and you still have to love the person for who they are if you really have a strong marriage. Remember the wedding vows (at least mine were) for better or worse, richer or poorer and I for one believe in that. You have to have mutual respect, great communication, and trust. Yes, money matters should be discussed, and you should be on the same page with things for sure, but money is certainly not the focus of a marriage.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:40:20 PM
Author: steph72276
Wow, this is a very interesting thread. When I met my husband, we were both college students earning very little. I fell in love with the person he is, not what he had in his bank account. We did however, talk about the important things before we decided to get married and worked out everything as far as how to handle money, how many kids we wanted, etc. Now that he is very successful, I feel very blessed to be able to stay at home with our child; however, if this was not the case, it wouldn''t make me love my husband less. I too, think that at any moment sickness, accident, job loss, etc. can happen and you still have to love the person for who they are if you really have a strong marriage. Remember the wedding vows (at least mine were) for better or worse, richer or poorer and I for one believe in that. You have to have mutual respect, great communication, and trust. Yes, money matters should be discussed, and you should be on the same page with things for sure, but money is certainly not the focus of a marriage.

This is exaclty what I wanted to say

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:40:20 PM
Author: steph72276
Wow, this is a very interesting thread. When I met my husband, we were both college students earning very little. I fell in love with the person he is, not what he had in his bank account. We did however, talk about the important things before we decided to get married and worked out everything as far as how to handle money, how many kids we wanted, etc. Now that he is very successful, I feel very blessed to be able to stay at home with our child; however, if this was not the case, it wouldn''t make me love my husband less. I too, think that at any moment sickness, accident, job loss, etc. can happen and you still have to love the person for who they are if you really have a strong marriage. Remember the wedding vows (at least mine were) for better or worse, richer or poorer and I for one believe in that. You have to have mutual respect, great communication, and trust. Yes, money matters should be discussed, and you should be on the same page with things for sure, but money is certainly not the focus of a marriage.

I wasn''t saying that. And FWIW, I was just playing devils advocate.

 

[suchende]

Everyone does realize I was asking about money-managing compatibility, as in, how will we spend the money we do have, not what I will do if it turns out we don't have any, right? I feel like this has gotten obscured by some other discussion about priorities and earining potential's role in mate selection. I guess it's such a hot-button issue people cannot help but gravitate towards it.

 

[princesss]

Maybe a 3-account system or "allowance" system would work for you guys? Put your money into a shared pot and then either pull out or allocate "fun money" for each of you on a weekly/monthly/yearly basis. That way you spend "your" money the way you want to (on sparklies, travel, clothing, etc.) but things like home repair and joint trips can have separate savings accounts (rainy day fund, vacation fund, mortgage fund, etc). Then both of you have money for the things you enjoy separately, and money for shared expenses and luxuries.

Does that make sense?