What do you think of this?

[Sparklelu]

My best friend in the whole world, known her since 2nd grade, has a son, successfully employed who just this week flew off to St Thomas VI for a secret elopement. I found out in an Wedding announcement email that was sent to pretty much everyone on his parents email list( he apparently got the parents Christmas card database!!)!
In addition to the news they included links to BB&B, crate and Barrel and Williams Sonoma for their registry. No announcement that a reception is planned for the future so this is basically a gift grab!

He also told his mom that "they would really rather checks to gifts but the fiancé/ new wife told him that people of your generation like to give gifts"
My friend is staggered as to what to do. She is embarrassed and sad. They love a good party and suggested that they host a reception of some sort in a few weeks, but the new couple say they don't want to have a party with a bunch of people they don't know!!! Oh but you can send a gift request???

In a related issue we have been invited to a destination wedding this fall in the Keys in which the invite says, we request gift cards or checks please.!!
Yikes!!!!

 

[OreoRosies86]

Re: What do you think of this?

I would be sending etiquette books as their gift, with my fondest regards

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: What do you think of this?

YKES!

I don't think you're obliged to do anything more than to wish the happy couple well. You could send them one of those nice electronic greeting cards. You know, the free ones!

 

[ame]

Re: What do you think of this?

I would be sending etiquette books as their gift, with my fondest regards

yep. That's all the acknowledgement I'd give it.

I feel for the parents. So shameful.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: What do you think of this?

I would be sending etiquette books as their gift, with my fondest regards

PLEASE do this!!!

Also, I feel sorry for your friend, because it's embarrassing and I wouldn't want her "mailing list" to think that she sanctioned the gift-grubbing. If anyone mentioned anything to me (as the mother) about the elopement and marriage announcement I'd be sure to say "Yes, it was quite a surprise, WASN'T IT?!?" so that they knew I wasn't in on it lol.

I do have to say that my husband and I eloped. It wasn't a surprise to my family at all, we just didn't want a wedding. My mom gave me a mailing list afterward because she knew that a lot of my family would probably want to see the wedding pictures (older, don't have facebook). I wasn't planning on sending out an announcement but my mom felt it would be nice, so we had a card made up with some pictures from the wedding and just announced "We were married and wanted to share with you" type crap (I honestly can't remember what it said lol). Anyway, we weren't registered anywhere and my intention really was to just share some wedding pictures with people that I know would be interested in seeing them. I sent it to about 50 people and maybe four people sent a $20 check or something but I didn't ask for it. I think it would have been beyond rude to send out a "gift request" for something that nobody was invited to.

 

[Sparklelu]

Re: What do you think of this?

My BFF, is mortified!
She is telling everyone who calls with congrats, that they had no clue. That last they heard they were looking at Venues for next spring.
They went to St Thomas on a cruise and just up and married. Obviously they knew what they were going to do because they registered and swiped the list.
The idea of an etiquette book is spot on!
Sending an announcement with a few pictures is fine, I love looking a wedding pictures. The registry thing is just rude

 

[Enerchi]

Re: What do you think of this?

Holy cow... and this is our future, eh?

As the parent, I too would be super embarassed that a) my son got into my data base therefore my computer, so what ELSE is he privvy to? and b) that he's blatantly asking people of 'that generation' for financial / gift donations but don't really want to be involved with them in a reception/social event.

I am picturing now if that were me... I'd feel obligated to do something so I don't embarrass my friend but then, if she's already acknowledged that she is embarrassed, then screw it - here's a lovely card - "with all the best wishes in the world for a lifetime of happiness, love mr and mrs elisateach". Period. End. No cheque. (but I do like the idea of an etiquette book with perhaps a book marker in the 'wedding reception/elopement' section! - clever idea Emproctor!)

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: What do you think of this?

BTW Enerchi, I think you owe it to your generation and mine to NOT send a gift. Apparently this couple thinks we're all a bunch of patsies - that we receive and invite and, like Pavlov's dog, automatically send a nice generous gift. Please take this opportunity to set them straight!

J/K - but only sort of!

 

[missy]

Re: What do you think of this?

Holy cow... and this is our future, eh?

As the parent, I too would be super embarassed that a) my son got into my data base therefore my computer, so what ELSE is he privvy to? and b) that he's blatantly asking people of 'that generation' for financial / gift donations but don't really want to be involved with them in a reception/social event.

I am picturing now if that were me... I'd feel obligated to do something so I don't embarrass my friend but then, if she's already acknowledged that she is embarrassed, then screw it - here's a lovely card - "with all the best wishes in the world for a lifetime of happiness, love mr and mrs elisateach". Period. End. No cheque. (but I do like the idea of an etiquette book with perhaps a book marker in the 'wedding reception/elopement' section! - clever idea Emproctor!)

I agree with all of the above. Mortifying for his parents. I would most definitely not send anything but a card though I love the etiquette book idea LOL.

 

[yennyfire]

Re: What do you think of this?

Oh my....I just don't get it. Clearly, your BFF didn't raise him this way...perhaps it's the new wife's influence? I feel sorry for any children raised by a woman with values like this. It's interesting to me how children can be raised properly and STILL do the wrong thing in a given situation. Honestly, since it's your BFF, I'd probably just send a gift and be done with it.

I have a feeling that this may be the wave of the (very sad) future (i.e. rudeness from people who were raised to know better). I have a son and hope that if his future wife wanted to do something so vulgar, he'd have the guts to tell her how rude it is and insist that she do the right thing (either send an announcement with no mention of gifts or allow the parents to host a reception where gifts would be appropriate). As for the check versus gift, I am a big fan of registries....I rarely purchase something that's not on the registry and if there isn't much of one, I usually do write a check...at least that way, they can get something they want (hopefully).

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: What do you think of this?

Holy cow... and this is our future, eh?

As the parent, I too would be super embarassed that a) my son got into my data base therefore my computer, so what ELSE is he privvy to? and b) that he's blatantly asking people of 'that generation' for financial / gift donations but don't really want to be involved with them in a reception/social event.

I am picturing now if that were me... I'd feel obligated to do something so I don't embarrass my friend but then, if she's already acknowledged that she is embarrassed, then screw it - here's a lovely card - "with all the best wishes in the world for a lifetime of happiness, love mr and mrs elisateach". Period. End. No cheque. (but I do like the idea of an etiquette book with perhaps a book marker in the 'wedding reception/elopement' section! - clever idea Emproctor!)

HI:

Well said! How very galling it must have been for the newlyweds to consider a social event with "old cash cows", eh?

At any rate I might be inclined to send regrets that your cheque must have gone missing on its way to St. Thomas. Just can't rely on OLD methods of communication these days.....

cheers--Sharon

 

[luv2sparkle]

Re: What do you think of this?

I love the etiquette book idea! Perfect. I think if I was the parent I would apologize to all my friends and tell my kid, I was telling all my friends that no gift was expected and not necessary. Yikes.

I am so sorry for your BFF. It sounds like that just sucked all the wedding joy right out of the moment!

 

[arkieb1]

Re: What do you think of this?

This one raised its ugly head when we had the couple on facebook with the food basket. It's from the same rude place and its not generational. In that case the happy couple declared we spent "x on the wedding and now we expect y from you". It created a rather lively discussion amongst members of all ages who agreed or disagreed that this is a "normal" thing to do these days.

Anyway only you can decide how much you like your friend. I think if it was me I would probably buy them a small tasteful gift so that your friend remains your friend, and an etiquette book whilst funny and a wonderful suggestion for the actual couple would probably further mortify the guys mother ie your friend further without need to do so. As to the cheque and money grab well they flat out blew that option when they eloped. But I hope they had heaps of fun and aren't expecting all the friends and family members to fund the cruise as the couple at the centre of the gift hamper wedding fiasco were.

 

[Smith1942]

Re: What do you think of this?

I can understand eloping. Families can be absolute nightmares, and perhaps the bride is a shy person who doesn't want a bunch of total strangers staring at her all day, judging her appearance etc. For all we know, the son's parents - or hers - might be the type to completely take over and invite all their own friends and distant family. So they may well have had their reasons for eloping....however, the gift grab is not OK. No wedding, no gifts. You simply cannot exclude people from your wedding and then expect a gift. That is seriously bad form.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: What do you think of this?

wow.
they desperately need that book. don't feel bad about getting it. wrap it nicely. I like the idea of a book marker as well. let your friend know you understand how upset she is. take her out for drinks. have her over for a you and her only dinner. send her a gift card to her fav store!

 

[Sparklelu]

Re: What do you think of this?

wow.
they desperately need that book. don't feel bad about getting it. wrap it nicely. I like the idea of a book marker as well. let your friend know you understand how upset she is. take her out for drinks. have her over for a you and her only dinner. send her a gift card to her fav store!

The plot thickens.... My BFF said she just had a long chat with the new MIL . They were the ones to encourage the elopement and mom was the one to get them to register in advance of the event, because she "knows folks like to give the happy couple gifts"
It seems that she is the entitled one!

But..... My friend gathered from conversations with her that she is not a big party goer or giver, doesn't like all those people she doesn't know in one room. She has always" just gotten something off the B&G registries and sent her regrets! "
She actually seems to not socialize with many folks in her family either she told my friend she didn't even go to her nieces wedding!
So a bit of dysfunction going on here really rather than being rude!
My friend has convinced DS to allow her to throw a party in their honor and that's the plan now! And I'm guessing the in laws won't show! Lol

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: What do you think of this?

It is perfectly fine to send wedding announcements after a small family wedding or elopement. Email is absurd for that. But to include the registry information is so rude I cannot stand it. A reception is nice but certainly not required. People who love the couple or their parents will send gifts when sent an announcement. My niece recently eloped and I sent her a Victoria's Secret gift card as a shower gift prior to the cruise and sent a card and check after they returned as a wedding gift. Emailing the announcement with the registry info is in about as poor taste as it gets.

I LOVE the etiquette book idea!!! That is PERFECT!! I hope she gets about 50 of them. That might send a message. But it does sound like maybe her mother just can't handle the stress of a big event. Still doesn't excuse the email announcements, though.

 

[Lula]

Re: What do you think of this?

wow.
they desperately need that book. don't feel bad about getting it. wrap it nicely. I like the idea of a book marker as well. let your friend know you understand how upset she is. take her out for drinks. have her over for a you and her only dinner. send her a gift card to her fav store!

The plot thickens.... My BFF said she just had a long chat with the new MIL . They were the ones to encourage the elopement and mom was the one to get them to register in advance of the event, because she "knows folks like to give the happy couple gifts"
It seems that she is the entitled one!

But..... My friend gathered from conversations with her that she is not a big party goer or giver, doesn't like all those people she doesn't know in one room. She has always" just gotten something off the B&G registries and sent her regrets! "
She actually seems to not socialize with many folks in her family either she told my friend she didn't even go to her nieces wedding!
So a bit of dysfunction going on here really rather than being rude!
My friend has convinced DS to allow her to throw a party in their honor and that's the plan now! And I'm guessing the in laws won't show! Lol

Oh, I am so glad that your BFF had the foresight to call the new MIL. That indeed sounds dysfunctional -- maybe MIL has untreated social anxiety issues. Given the MIL's comments, I'm sure your BFF's new daughter-in-law never had the opportunity to learn how to properly issue/accept an invitation or throw a party. MIL sounds like a bit of a recluse. How kind of your BFF to offer to host a party in the newlyweds' honor. I'm guessing you're right about the in-laws being no-shows.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Re: What do you think of this?

Yeesh. I think its tacky to ASK for gifts in that context or even provide information en mass regarding gifts. If people ASK then it is appropriate for the parents to say "Oh they prefer monetary contributions towards their dream home!" (or whatever). But anything else is yucky.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Re: What do you think of this?

wow.
they desperately need that book. don't feel bad about getting it. wrap it nicely. I like the idea of a book marker as well. let your friend know you understand how upset she is. take her out for drinks. have her over for a you and her only dinner. send her a gift card to her fav store!

The plot thickens.... My BFF said she just had a long chat with the new MIL . They were the ones to encourage the elopement and mom was the one to get them to register in advance of the event, because she "knows folks like to give the happy couple gifts"
It seems that she is the entitled one!

But..... My friend gathered from conversations with her that she is not a big party goer or giver, doesn't like all those people she doesn't know in one room. She has always" just gotten something off the B&G registries and sent her regrets! "
She actually seems to not socialize with many folks in her family either she told my friend she didn't even go to her nieces wedding!
So a bit of dysfunction going on here really rather than being rude!
My friend has convinced DS to allow her to throw a party in their honor and that's the plan now! And I'm guessing the in laws won't show! Lol

Oh, I am so glad that your BFF had the foresight to call the new MIL. That indeed sounds dysfunctional -- maybe MIL has untreated social anxiety issues. Given the MIL's comments, I'm sure your BFF's new daughter-in-law never had the opportunity to learn how to properly issue/accept an invitation or throw a party. MIL sounds like a bit of a recluse. How kind of your BFF to offer to host a party in the newlyweds' honor. I'm guessing you're right about the in-laws being no-shows.

Ditto Lula. It will make your BFF feel better to know that the kids just got bad advice from someone, rather than being naturally unthinking.

 

[distracts]

Re: What do you think of this?

Some people send links to registries with things like that because tons of people asked before they were even registered. They think that if you want to give a gift, now you can easily pick something, and if you don't, you'll just ignore it. I mean, I think it's tacky, but that's the reasoning behind it. A lot of people really don't see it as a gift grab but as making it easier for people who were going to give a gift anyway. The same reasoning leads to people posting their amazon wishlist to their facebook around Christmas/birthday, etc. I gather that these people are not the type of people who feel compelled to buy gifts if mention of gifts is made. They seem to be basing everything on convenience rather than avoiding potentially causing weird feelings.

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

Re: What do you think of this?

You have hit on one of my pet peeves. I'm very glad to see that your BFF is going to go ahead with a reception. Before you posted about that, I was going to suggest making a donation to a charity in the couple's name and sending them a card to congratulate them and let them you know you'd made a gift. That way, you can give a gift, make your BFF feel less embarrassed, and not give in to the money grubbing. But if there's a reception, a gift is appropriate at that event and maybe you'll feel better about giving one since there's a reception.

I am a graphic designer and design some wedding invitations. I am amazed at how times have changed. I don't think it's appropriate to put wedding registry information on the invitation itself or include one of those little cards from the store you registered at, but people do it all the time. I think that with wedding websites and such, people can easily find out where you are registered. I know there are younger people who think it makes things easier, but I just can't get on board with it (and when I have a client that wants registry information with the invitation, I try very hard to talk her out of it). And then in this case, you add the component of just an email and it becomes even worse. I guess I'm just an old fuddy duddy who still believes in the ol' etiquette book.

 

[asscherisme]

Re: What do you think of this?

How about another view? I agree its embarrassing and hurtful they did this. If this were my son I would be mortified. My sons have aspergers syndrome and no matter how much I do my best to teach them social etiquette, they don't get it. It can be maddening and frustrating. My older son is very very selfish and I often feel I'm failing as a parent because of how selfish he is. I know he does not mean to be that way, but autism makes it impossible for him to see how his actions affect others or even to want to see that or care about others feelings. Its devatasting for me. I will never give up on him and trying to teach him to think of others and how important that is. But its an uphill lesson to teach.

I could totally see my son being influenced by a woman to do just what your friends son did. And I would be just as mortified as she is. I hope he would never do it. I'm trying SO hard to teach him better and to be a thoughtful person. But he is wired differently.

When I read what your friend said about the other mother in law , social anxiety came to mind, or even autism. It might be more than just being selfish. of course, it would be that she is simply cheap and taught her daughter to gift grab. Who knows whats in others heads.

 

[tuffyluvr]

My opinion is: no party, no gift.

I went to a weekend-long camping wedding recently where the bride and groom asked everyone to BYOAlmostEverything. People rented motor homes, camped or trekked 25 miles plus to the campground from the closest hotel. The bride and groom also asked the guests to set up, break down and clean up the wedding--there was no waitstaff, bartender cleaning crew or party rentals. They spread out some beach blankets and dragged some picnic tables together and put out booze after the ceremony. There were no non-alcoholic options and no food so people got too drunk. A guy showed up with tacos about 2-3 hours later, but it was too late and they ran short on food--kids were having meltdowns, a pregnant lady looked like she was on the verge of keeling over. There was no dancing and no one announced that there was dessert (apparently there was a dessert).

At the bachelor weekend (FI attended) the groom bragged about how he was having a wedding that he would "make money on". At the bachelor party he boasted that he didn't bring a dollar and expected that everyone pay for all his expenses for the entire weekend.

What makes it worse us that they both make a good living and know better. It's not like they couldn't afford to feed their guests or they just didn't know better. And on top of all that, they registered for a honeymoon. I felt like that was REALLY tacky. They asked a lot of their guests, and they provided very little to them, so I felt like it was too much to ask for a gift. The gift should have been having people show up and help with their wedding! FI and I felt the whole situation was in very poor taste.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: What do you think of this?

BTW Enerchi, I think you owe it to your generation and mine to NOT send a gift. Apparently this couple thinks we're all a bunch of patsies - that we receive and invite and, like Pavlov's dog, automatically send a nice generous gift. Please take this opportunity to set them straight!

J/K - but only sort of!

My earlier response not withstanding...

Just as one is not obliged to offer a gift upon being invited to a wedding...

One is also not obliged to not give a gift if one is not invited to the wedding... or party... or whatever. Or even as a response to an atrociously bad breach of manners.

I have on occasion given wedding gifts when I was not invited to the wedding, just because I wanted to wish the happy couple well. After all, that's what the wedding gift is all about - to celebrate the marriage, and maybe help the newlyweds as they get started in life. It's not a hostess gift, or payment for having been invited to a party.

tuffy - I'm not commenting on your wedding experience specifically.

 

[smitcompton]

Re: What do you think of this?

Hi,

I don't understand why the bff doesn't tell her son he just committed a faux pas. its up to him to tell his bride. They don't need an manners book(of course maybe they do) if they are told this is poor manners. If she can't even tell him this, I'd question their relationship. My mother would have screamed at me or my brother.

I have never heard you need to have a party to receive a wedding gift. I grew up in a nicer softer time.

Annette

 

[tuffyluvr]

Hi,

I don't understand why the bff doesn't tell her son he just committed a faux pas. its up to him to tell his bride. They don't need an manners book(of course maybe they do) if they are told this is poor manners. If she can't even tell him this, I'd question their relationship. My mother would have screamed at me or my brother.

I have never heard you need to have a party to receive a wedding gift. I grew up in a nicer softer time.

Annette

I don't think you *have* to have a party to receive a gift, but I don't think the couple should *expect* a gift unless they have a wedding/reception. It's seen as rude and socially unacceptable not to give a gift if you attend the wedding, but I was under the impression that when people elope they don't receive all the traditional wedding gifts: china, crystal, homewares, etc.

I feel like it should be completely discretionary to give a gift if you were not invited to the wedding. If someone I was close with eloped I would want to give them a gift. But sending out an announcement with a link to a registry it would make me feel pressured to do so.

I don't know--perhaps that's my problem and I shouldn't feel obligated/view it as a solicitation. I also don't feel like its a matter of 'niceness', I feel like the etiquette I was taught was to never ask for or expect gifts and to be gracious in accepting gifts (whatever they were). I can't think of any other situation, aside from a wedding, where you can ask for specific gifts--and perhaps I am viewing the concept of a wedding too rigidly. Not like I'm Miss. Manners!!!

 

[ame]

Re: What do you think of this?

I don't think one should be expected regardless. The point of a wedding is to join lives, not get gifts.

 

[NOYFB]

Re: What do you think of this?

I don't think one should be expected regardless. The point of a wedding is to join lives, not get gifts.

Amen. And that's all I'm going to say on this matter.