Wedding dilemma...WWYD?

[zoebartlett]

Let's say you had a very close family member who was getting married (2nd marriage for her, 1st for her FI). She and her FI planned their wedding to be in their state, really far from where you live, for a day that didn't work well for your work schedule. (As selfish as that sounds, that was one of your first thoughts you had when hearing the date.) What would you do? Would you attend the wedding or not?

If you were planning on visiting and spending lots of quality time with the bride and groom a month before the wedding, would you still do everything possible to attend their wedding one month later, or would you politely decline?

The wedding is going to be a very low-key affair, essentially a brunch (no dancing), with a very small guest list. Other family members have said that the vacation before the wedding will be a great time to celebrate early, and not to worry about attending the wedding if it's not easily feasible. They've insisted that the bride and groom won't be hurt at all. You haven't mentioned your feelings to them though and you feel incredibly guilty. Here are your choices:

Would you put your feelings aside and travel across the country for basically one day to avoid taking time off from work?
Would you take one or two days off from work if your boss allows it (although you fear it might not look good)?
Would you not attend the wedding?

 

[momhappy]

I'm sure that the opinions would vary on this one, but for me, personally, I wouldn't feel obligated to attend. I don't feel that second weddings hold the same weight as first weddings, so that's a big part of the decision-making process for me. If it was convenient for me to attend, then, yes, I'd go. However, if the circumstances were difficult (scheduling, travel, finances, etc.), then I would send a gift and not attend.

 

[missy]

That's a difficult decision. It depends on how close you are to them. I don't think the fact that the bride has been married before should have any factor in your decision. I would talk to her and see how she feels vs. relying on others to speak for her because that's conjecture only.

 

[marymm]

If you mean by "very close family member" that you yourself have a very close relationship with this family member, then, yes, I would do all that I could to attend this person's wedding - if that means a one-day trip so it is affordable and work-friendly, then so be it.

If "very close family member" is referring to the family/blood connection but not a person with whom you share a close meaningful bond, then I would not attend the wedding and only make the earlier visit.

 

[missy]

I am interested to see the replies to this. I have pretty much exactly the same situation going on. My SIL, her 2nd and her FI's 1st wedding. They planned it on a Friday and it is across the country. DH just started a new job. We are really struggling with what to do.

In your case it's an easier decision imo.Your dh just started a new job and it would be more of a risk and hardship so I would politely decline with the reason explained and send a gift.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Not attend, plain and simple.

 

[baby monster]

There are periods at my job with non negotiable deadlines which make it impossible to take a day off. So I understand not being able to attend and so do my friends and family. I'd have a conversation with the bride about this and then treat them to a nice dinner whenever you do travel to see them.

 

[movie zombie]

not attend.
but do something really special for them the month before .
and a nice gift as well.

 

[Harpertoo]

If it were me, and I was very close to the person, I would attend. I've never regretted attending a wedding - even with inconvenient travel and schedules.
I suppose I would consider how I would feel if this person were considering whether or not to attend my wedding. Maybe that can guide you?
(I also don't think it's any less important because it's the bride's 2nd.)

 

[braga123]

It's an invitation, not an obligation.

 

[VRBeauty]

not attend.
but do something really special for them the month before .
and a nice gift as well.

Ditto.

ETA the fact that it's a second marriage or that it's a low-key wedding has no bearing on this, IMHO. If you can't make it, you can't. BTW you didn't mention whether you're planning in terms of you and your SO, or just you. Are the constraints yours, or your SO's? Would you be able to attend without your SO?

 

[momhappy]

It's not that I think that 2nd wedding are any less important per se - I'm certain that they are quite important to there people getting married! I just feel that if you've been there/done that, it takes away from some of the need/obligation to attend. It doesn't imply that the marriage isn't any less special, but if does have a different sort of feeling. When my husband's brother got married for the second time, we debated whether or not to go (difficulty with work schedules, travel schedules, children's school schedules, etc.). In the end, we decided that my husband would fly out for a short weekend, but even he admitted that he felt much less obligated because of the second wedding factor. His brother is divorced yet again and I think that it's pretty safe to say that we will not likely attend his third wedding I suppose that everyone views it differently, but I feel that second weddings don't hold as much "weight" - for lack of a better way to describe it.
I think that bottom line is that it's great if you can attend special family events like weddings, but sometimes, circumstances make things difficult. When that happens, you can still find ways to make it special even if you can't be there for the actual event.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Let's say you had a very close family member who was getting married (2nd marriage for her, 1st for her FI). She and her FI planned their wedding to be in their state, really far from where you live, for a day that didn't work well for your work schedule. (As selfish as that sounds, that was one of your first thoughts you had when hearing the date.) What would you do? Would you attend the wedding or not?

If you were planning on visiting and spending lots of quality time with the bride and groom a month before the wedding, would you still do everything possible to attend their wedding one month later, or would you politely decline?

The wedding is going to be a very low-key affair, essentially a brunch (no dancing), with a very small guest list. Other family members have said that the vacation before the wedding will be a great time to celebrate early, and not to worry about attending the wedding if it's not easily feasible. They've insisted that the bride and groom won't be hurt at all. You haven't mentioned your feelings to them though and you feel incredibly guilty. Here are your choices:

Would you put your feelings aside and travel across the country for basically one day to avoid taking time off from work?
Would you take one or two days off from work if your boss allows it (although you fear it might not look good)?
Would you not attend the wedding?

I might do the one day visit IF it wasn't stressful...There is no way I'd take time off from work if it would look bad in any way. Your job stability comes before a wedding.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I am interested to see the replies to this. I have pretty much exactly the same situation going on. My SIL, her 2nd and her FI's 1st wedding. They planned it on a Friday and it is across the country. DH just started a new job. We are really struggling with what to do.

Your financial security comes first. We should not feel obligated to spend quite a bit of money traveling to an event when we have obligations at home that are much more important (as in paying the mortgage/bills, etc.).

 

[TooPatient]

It's not that I think that 2nd wedding are any less important per se - I'm certain that they are quite important to there people getting married! I just feel that if you've been there/done that, it takes away from some of the need/obligation to attend. It doesn't imply that the marriage isn't any less special, but if does have a different sort of feeling. When my husband's brother got married for the second time, we debated whether or not to go (difficulty with work schedules, travel schedules, children's school schedules, etc.). In the end, we decided that my husband would fly out for a short weekend, but even he admitted that he felt much less obligated because of the second wedding factor. His brother is divorced yet again and I think that it's pretty safe to say that we will not likely attend his third wedding I suppose that everyone views it differently, but I feel that second weddings don't hold as much "weight" - for lack of a better way to describe it.
I think that bottom line is that it's great if you can attend special family events like weddings, but sometimes, circumstances make things difficult. When that happens, you can still find ways to make it special even if you can't be there for the actual event.

As a first-time bride who married a not first-time groom, I would point out that I think part of that "different sort of feeling" comes from the friends and family of the not first-time person. Are my feelings hurt? Oh yeah. (long story -- don't want to get into it, just wanted to point out that other feelings are involved too)

 

[TooPatient]

I am interested to see the replies to this. I have pretty much exactly the same situation going on. My SIL, her 2nd and her FI's 1st wedding. They planned it on a Friday and it is across the country. DH just started a new job. We are really struggling with what to do.

In your case it's an easier decision imo.Your dh just started a new job and it would be more of a risk and hardship so I would politely decline with the reason explained and send a gift.

This exactly!

BTW, gift is optional so if you aren't able to do that then a card would be plenty!

 

[momhappy]

It's not that I think that 2nd wedding are any less important per se - I'm certain that they are quite important to there people getting married! I just feel that if you've been there/done that, it takes away from some of the need/obligation to attend. It doesn't imply that the marriage isn't any less special, but if does have a different sort of feeling. When my husband's brother got married for the second time, we debated whether or not to go (difficulty with work schedules, travel schedules, children's school schedules, etc.). In the end, we decided that my husband would fly out for a short weekend, but even he admitted that he felt much less obligated because of the second wedding factor. His brother is divorced yet again and I think that it's pretty safe to say that we will not likely attend his third wedding I suppose that everyone views it differently, but I feel that second weddings don't hold as much "weight" - for lack of a better way to describe it.
I think that bottom line is that it's great if you can attend special family events like weddings, but sometimes, circumstances make things difficult. When that happens, you can still find ways to make it special even if you can't be there for the actual event.

As a first-time bride who married a not first-time groom, I would point out that I think part of that "different sort of feeling" comes from the friends and family of the not first-time person. Are my feelings hurt? Oh yeah. (long story -- don't want to get into it, just wanted to point out that other feelings are involved too)

Yes, you're right - I was referring to the family & friends of the person getting married for the second time around. It does get a bit more complicated when one of the marrying parties has never been married before. I realize that there are other feelings involved and there are no right or wrong answers here. It's one of those things that should be evaluated by each individual, on a case-by-case basis. If someone has strong feelings (or circumstances) one way or the other, then they should do what works for them. Personally, when a family member or friend gets married on multiple occasions, I would evaluate the circumstances and make my decisions accordingly (taking into consideration things like travel, work, and yes, first wedding/second wedding, etc….).
I'm sorry of you had a difficult situation and your feelings were hurt - weddings can be so stressful some times

 

[TooPatient]

Let's say you had a very close family member who was getting married (2nd marriage for her, 1st for her FI). She and her FI planned their wedding to be in their state, really far from where you live, for a day that didn't work well for your work schedule. (As selfish as that sounds, that was one of your first thoughts you had when hearing the date.) What would you do? Would you attend the wedding or not?

If you were planning on visiting and spending lots of quality time with the bride and groom a month before the wedding, would you still do everything possible to attend their wedding one month later, or would you politely decline?

The wedding is going to be a very low-key affair, essentially a brunch (no dancing), with a very small guest list. Other family members have said that the vacation before the wedding will be a great time to celebrate early, and not to worry about attending the wedding if it's not easily feasible. They've insisted that the bride and groom won't be hurt at all. You haven't mentioned your feelings to them though and you feel incredibly guilty. Here are your choices:

Would you put your feelings aside and travel across the country for basically one day to avoid taking time off from work?
Would you take one or two days off from work if your boss allows it (although you fear it might not look good)?
Would you not attend the wedding?

Close as in just blood related or close as in good relationship with them? If the first, don't worry about going. If the second, try to be there.

2nd wedding for her 1st for him? Shouldn't really matter in your decision. If you were in his shoes and a bunch of close family and friends decided not to come because she'd already BTDT, would you feel very welcome in the family?


I do understand work stuff though! I worked for stock brokers for some time and it was always difficult in the month or so leading up to tax day. There was so much to do I had a very hard time getting any days out of the office.

Are you able to talk to your boss and swap your days off? Rather than going for quality time to visit the month before, can you change those days off to be over the time of the wedding?

 

[TooPatient]

It's not that I think that 2nd wedding are any less important per se - I'm certain that they are quite important to there people getting married! I just feel that if you've been there/done that, it takes away from some of the need/obligation to attend. It doesn't imply that the marriage isn't any less special, but if does have a different sort of feeling. When my husband's brother got married for the second time, we debated whether or not to go (difficulty with work schedules, travel schedules, children's school schedules, etc.). In the end, we decided that my husband would fly out for a short weekend, but even he admitted that he felt much less obligated because of the second wedding factor. His brother is divorced yet again and I think that it's pretty safe to say that we will not likely attend his third wedding I suppose that everyone views it differently, but I feel that second weddings don't hold as much "weight" - for lack of a better way to describe it.
I think that bottom line is that it's great if you can attend special family events like weddings, but sometimes, circumstances make things difficult. When that happens, you can still find ways to make it special even if you can't be there for the actual event.

As a first-time bride who married a not first-time groom, I would point out that I think part of that "different sort of feeling" comes from the friends and family of the not first-time person. Are my feelings hurt? Oh yeah. (long story -- don't want to get into it, just wanted to point out that other feelings are involved too)

Yes, you're right - I was referring to the family & friends of the person getting married for the second time around. It does get a bit more complicated when one of the marrying parties has never been married before. I realize that there are other feelings involved and there are no right or wrong answers here. It's one of those things that should be evaluated by each individual, on a case-by-case basis. If someone has strong feelings (or circumstances) one way or the other, then they should do what works for them. Personally, when a family member or friend gets married on multiple occasions, I would evaluate the circumstances and make my decisions accordingly (taking into consideration things like travel, work, and yes, first wedding/second wedding, etc….).
I'm sorry of you had a difficult situation and your feelings were hurt - weddings can be so stressful some times

Each wedding is different and the people involved are different. You are absolutely right that it has to be a case by case thing. There is no one right answer. Unfortunately!

I always knew weddings were full of stress in the planning and lots of emotions surrounding them, but I never quite understood until I was the bride!

 

[momhappy]

^Yes, I understand, TooPatient. I have been a bride twice myself. For my second wedding, my parents weren't even there, which I was perfectly fine with. It was a destination ceremony and my parents don't travel much. I really had no expectations that they would attend - mostly because of the fact that it was my second wedding. I guess everyone views multiple weddings differently, and obviously I certainly felt that my second wedding was equally as "special" as my first, but I just didn't feel that everyone was obligated to attend the second time around.

 

[madelise]

Go if you think you'll regret missing it, don't if you don't think you will. That's all.

 

[ame]

I would either skip the vacation beforehand and go to the wedding or go on the vacation, bring your gift and send your regrets for the wedding.

I get the whole it's her second wedding thing, but it's his first. And he might be hurt that her whole family is bailing out and that he's not "worth" people coming to see HIM get married to her.

 

[lambskin]

We scheduled a wedding that was inconvenient for everyone-a Friday afternoon which coincided with our honeymoon flight. We did not expect aunts, uncles and cousins to attend. Simply put we would never dream of making our wedding a burden to attend. If there is any hardship (travel, work, finances, etc) the bride and groom should understand. If not their attitude speaks volumes. So visit them when you can and send a gift with the "no".

 

[momhappy]

I would either skip the vacation beforehand and go to the wedding or go on the vacation, bring your gift and send your regrets for the wedding.

I get the whole it's her second wedding thing, but it's his first. And he might be hurt that her whole family is bailing out and that he's not "worth" people coming to see HIM get married to her.

Again, I don't really see it as an issue of worth and I don't see it as an issue of "bailing" either. Sometimes, there are just circumstances that prevent us from doing things, which doesn't necessarily mean that we are bailing.
If OP feels that it is important to show support for the never-been-married-groom, or that she wants to be there for her family member, or she feels obliged to go, or whatever her reasoning, then she should make that choice based on what's right for her.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Is the trip a month prior more important than visiting the week of the wedding? I can certainly see that it might be a burden going twice in a month. Is this your sister? If so, I would maybe talk to her and tell her you can't come twice so close in time, and would it mean more to her to visit with her the month before or would she rather you come for her wedding? If it is not a sister, then I really have no other relatives that I would feel that strong an obligation.

 

[junebug17]

Any chance of moving your vacation to coincide with the wedding? IIRC you're a teacher, so I'm guessing you might be taking your vacation during the summer and it's hard to take time off once school starts, so my suggestion is probably no good.

Sounds like it would be a really big deal to take off from work, so I think your relative will understand if you can't make it. You mentioned it's across the country, so we're probably talking about a 4-5 hour plane ride, that just doesn't sound doable for a one day trip and I'm sure your relative wouldn't expect you to go to those lengths. So I'd try not to feel badly about it, life is crazy and it's hard to fit everything in sometimes.

eta: Was thinking about this a bit more, and how close a relative this person is comes into play. I just read DS's post and I agree with her, a sister is really the only relative I'd feel a strong obligation to. Or maybe a cousin I grew up with, or some really strong bond like that. If it was me, I would definitely do either the vacation visit or the wedding, not both. I do sympathize with your dilemma Zoe, it's hard to decide what to do in these types of situations!

 

[monarch64]

It's an invitation, not an obligation.

My thoughts exactly when I read Zoe's original post.

Zoe, I can definitely understand why this is a dilemma. I think if you can make it happen with your work schedule that you absolutely should attend (regardless of whether you spend time with them a month out) mainly because it sounds like you will regret not attending. Even though it is a low-key brunch reception, the fact that the guest list IS small means (in my opinion) that the couple made sure to include you and that you would be missed if you aren't there. I'm contradicting myself and my first sentence, but I've been thinking this over since you first posted earlier because I just attended a good friend's wedding on Friday evening and it was a major inconvenience for us to travel there and back for all kinds of reasons. I would've regretted for who knows how long--maybe forever--not going. As much as I don't like the discomfort of inconvenience and rearranging my (and my family's) life, I can get over that a lot easier than feeling guilty and regretful because I wasn't there for someone.

I hope I'm not adding to your stress over this, but I did want to share my thoughts since it's really fresh in my mind.

 

[kenny]

Obligations are not absolute and 'out there'.
They are in your head.

Obligations are not requirements or mandatory.
If you do A then X will or may result.
If you do B then Y will or may result.

Pick the result you prefer.

How you feel about obligations to this couple, and to your work, are all in your head too.
If what is in your head says to go, then go.
If not, don't.
If you are truly 50 50 flip a coin.

Even if 99% of the people would make one decision you may be in the other 1% and there's nothing superior about being in a larger group.

You asked WWID?
I would not go.
I hate weddings.
I'd only go to a wedding if my SO insisted and the gun he held to my head was a shotgun.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Do I love the family member? Are we very close and intimate? Do we have the kind of relationship where we make sacrifices for one another without thinking twice?

If yes to all of the above, then I would go. If no, then I would not.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I'm sure that the opinions would vary on this one, but for me, personally, I wouldn't feel obligated to attend. I don't feel that second weddings hold the same weight as first weddings, so that's a big part of the decision-making process for me. If it was convenient for me to attend, then, yes, I'd go. However, if the circumstances were difficult (scheduling, travel, finances, etc.), then I would send a gift and not attend.

Ouch! I suppose this is a sentiment many have about marriage. But I certainly don't share it!