Very Sensitive- not PG topic about marriage

[radiantquest]

I dont know where else to turn...

My husband and I have always had a slower than average sexual relationship. We have been together for 8 years. I knew we were having sex less than our friends, but we were both ok with it. We were happy and that is all that mattered. We are currently only sexual about 5 times a year!! This is no longer acceptable to me. We are very much in love and we are intimate and loving, just not sexually. When we do have intercourse its good, just not often enough. I don't know why I am recently so driven. I have heard that women go through their sexual peak in their 30's. Maybe that is what it is.

All of a sudden I feel like a cat in heat!!! I think about it constantly.

I love my husband more than anything and I do not want a divorce. We have talked about it several times and he has no libido. He was taking welbutrin for a time because our doctor thought maybe it would help. Not really. He says that he is tired. I understand that. He works long hard hours. He also said that there are so many other things on his mind (finances, kids, work, etc) that he is never in the mood. I am so tired of initiating and most times being turned down

He says that I am not the problem, and to be honest I am not willing to change for anyone anyway. Not being arrogant, but I am fine with me and if he isnt that is his problem. Not mine. I take care of myself, bathe regularly arent morbidly obese...

I feel like this is the only aspect of our marriage that I am not over the moon happy about. Sure I could keep on like now, but I think I would resent him eventually.

I normally am not an advocate of affairs at all, but Im starting to think that if I could have a little bit on the side my life would be perfect. I know that it sounds crazy. I cant believe it myself. I have a good friend that is more than willing to help me, but I wonder how dangerous this is.

Again, I have no desire for an emotional relationship with anyone else. Just sex


Take pity on me....my hormones are raging

 

[amc80]

Has your husband had his testosterone levels checked?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Does Viagra work? Can he try that?

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Well the good news is that you're addressing it with your husband. I definitely suggest getting his hormone levels checked and possibly talking with a counselor. Also, maybe you need to ring up the fact that you're considering looking elsewhere for a little stimulation. Maybe your husband will be open to this? Or maybe just mentioning that will kick him into gear? Also, read Dan Savage (he was just mentioned in another post). His advice is very real and I'm almost certain I read something similar to your situation in his column.

 

[sphenequeen]

I have heard about something called "Low T," or low testosterone - this causes low libido and tiredness. Have him checked! If you are both in love, it is worth checking this out and then some.Sex therapy may be a great avenue to check out as well. I feel like no matter how connected a couple is, there are always little (or big) hang-ups that keep us from total intimacy.

And yes, it sounds like your libido is going up with age and his is flatlining. Don't do anything drastic until you explore all of your options. I think that your being intimate with someone else would only drive him away.

 

[Maisie]

We are the opposite in our house. I am happier with a nice book and a bar of chocolate

Seriously though, I really believe you will regret it if you get sex somewhere else. I doubt you would feel good about yourself and would probably feel dreadful afterwards. What seems like a good idea in our heads isn't always a good idea in real life.

My hubby and I are planning a dirty week away in the summer. We are hoping to have some lovely sexytime away from the children. There are few things that will cool the ardour more than having teenage kids in the house!!

I really enjoy making love with G but am always too tired or worried the kids will hear. The more we don't do it, the more I stop thinking about it. He is wonderful and very patient but he lets me know when its been too long and I realise we should get it on. And its always lovely.

I think you need to sit your hubby down and let him know how much this is bothering you. Its not unreasonable for him to make more effort.

 

[junebug17]

Has your husband had his testosterone levels checked?

Yes, I was thinking maybe looking further medically, or perhaps counseling.

Forgive me, not sure how to put this delicately - would self-stimulation help? Guess it couldn't hurt.

An affair isn't the answer - it would create more problems than it would solve.

Sorry you're going through a difficult time in your marriage. Maybe counseling would be helpful to you.

 

[decodelighted]

I think you should talk more with your husband about it before doing anything rash! Hopefully he can be persuaded to talk to his doctor about it again. It could be a hormone imbalance, low testosterone, depression, simple aging ... or it could be something totally different. Has he ever mentioned bisexuality or interest in any kinks that you've dismissed? Do you suspect that he's "getting some on the side" - as you're kinda yearning for yourself?

Hopefully ... if he realizes how important it is to you ... (as in NEWLY important because of YOUR hormones & aging & needs & desires) he'll suss things out w/his doctor & have a few things to try so that you can meet in the middle so to speak.

Good luck!

 

[Autumnovember]

I am all ears on this one and have nothing to add except that you are not alone and my husband and I have a very similar problem for similar reasons to yours. I have started to think that it could be low testosterone or his own insecurities but its a problem we can't seem to get past and we aren't sure how to fix either. Like you, it hasn't made our relationship bad or anything, we have an awesome relationship but if it were corrected - like you, our relationship would be an A+ instead of an A if you know what I mean.

 

[decodelighted]

The more we don't do it, the more I stop thinking about it.

This is so true. Weird to think about ... but it is to a certain extent ... a habit. If you go too long w/o then folks can start to forget what's so great about it! I can recall having that "Hey ... why don't we do this more often" kind of thought *afterwards*. You have to stoke that wee fire afterwards ... within a coupla days ... before it gets snuffed out again for too long!

 

[Autumnovember]

The more we don't do it, the more I stop thinking about it.

This is so true. Weird to think about ... but it is to a certain extent ... a habit. If you go too long w/o then folks can start to forget what's so great about it! I can recall having that "Hey ... why don't we do this more often" kind of thought *afterwards*. You have to stoke that wee fire afterwards ... within a coupla days ... before it gets snuffed out again for too long!

Good point, never really thought about it like that!

 

[yennyfire]

I hear ya on this one. It's the same in our household. I know he's really tired and that by the time we get the kids settled (which usually takes a while since our daughter is prone to get up several times a night for ridiculous things), he's already asleep and I don't have the heart to wake him. We talk about it and agree to try harder to make the time/opportunity, but with young kids, it's hard.

I agree that having an affair isn't the answer. Definitely worth checking out the low T thing...if nothing else, you can rule out physical concerns. If you find a magic button or something, please do share!

 

[amc80]

It seems like lots of us have the same problem! My DH has been on graveyard shift for 8 months. That plus my being pregnant = not a lot of time/energy for the deed. But we're going away for my bday this weekend, and he's on day shift as of next week...so hopefully we'll get back into some sort of rhythm! (no pun intended)

 

[radiantquest]

I am so glad that you are so supportive. I was afraid that I would get chewed out for bringing such a thing up.


He KNOWS it is an issue for me. To answer some questions, yes we had his testosterone levels checked. They are fine. That is why the dr put him on welbutrin. She thought that maybe it was a depression issue. It made him more chipper, but not more horny

I have asked him to get Viagra, but since it isnt an issue that he thinks about its been two months since I have asked and he hasnt made one phone call yet!

I have brought it up several times over the years. Its just that recently I am more driven than ever.

One time after he turned me down I was so pissed off that I got out of bed and said "When I cheat on you, you'll know why". I know that was harsh, but it didnt even light a little fire under his arse. And I didnt apologize for saying it either.

As far as "self-help" goes, Ive tried that too. Its fine and dandy in a pinch, but I need more!!

I am so frustrated.

 

[Haven]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, RQ (and others!)

I have a different kind of advice for you.

DH and I had an awesome sex life early in our relationship, and then after we bought our house together we experienced a lull, and in about a year's time we weren't really being intimate very often at all. Maybe, like you, it was six times that year. I was frustrated and I would bring it up to DH, and he was frustrated too, but it wasn't getting better.

Then we went on a little trip together, and we were both totally relaxed and happy, and we had a really open, blunt conversation about sex and what we really want. Of course I thought we already knew what each other liked, but it turned out that there was more and we just hadn't had a frank enough conversation yet to reveal it.

It turned out that we were just approaching it in the wrong way. I was making it seem like a *problem*--"Honey, I feel so disconnected," etc. When really we just needed to be totally comfortable exploring what we really like, and making time to make it happen for each other.

I am a big believer that getting away from everyday life helps kickstart things like this because the rest of the world disappears. If you can't make that happen, a frank yet fun discussion about fantasies or desires could also be a really wonderful thing.

 

[TravelingGal]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, RQ (and others!)

I have a different kind of advice for you.

DH and I had an awesome sex life early in our relationship, and then after we bought our house together we experienced a lull, and in about a year's time we weren't really being intimate very often at all. Maybe, like you, it was six times that year. I was frustrated and I would bring it up to DH, and he was frustrated too, but it wasn't getting better.

Then we went on a little trip together, and we were both totally relaxed and happy, and we had a really open, blunt conversation about sex and what we really want. Of course I thought we already knew what each other liked, but it turned out that there was more and we just hadn't had a frank enough conversation yet to reveal it.
It turned out that we were just approaching it in the wrong way. I was making it seem like a *problem*--"Honey, I feel so disconnected," etc. When really we just needed to be totally comfortable exploring what we really like, and making time to make it happen for each other.

I am a big believer that getting away from everyday life helps kickstart things like this because the rest of the world disappears. If you can't make that happen, a frank yet fun discussion about fantasies or desires could also be a really wonderful thing.

This. Whoa nelly, this.

Even if your husband doesn't seem like he has a libido, I can *almost* guarantee he's got some type of drive to fulfill needs behind the scenes, whether it's looking at p*rn, or just a quick release in the shower. The key is finding a way to open up those floodgates with each other.

I'd say more, but...not gonna.

 

[Laila619]

As rare as it may be, I think there are some men out there who aren't like the stereotypical sex-on-the-brain 24/7 kinda guy, and they just do not have a high sex drive, period. I suspect this is your husband, especially if his testosterone levels checked out fine. However, if he wants to make you happy (which I'm assuming he does!), he should still be putting in more effort and agreeing to have sex more often! Marriage is all about compromise, and we all have to do things we might not want to for our spouse. And even if he doesn't want to have sex on any given day, then he can, er, give you pleasure you in other ways.

What was it like when you guys were dating if I may ask?

 

[MissStepcut]

This might be too uncomfortable for you, or even on the wrong page, but there are some "couples sexual assessments" out there that might help you figure out some new, exciting things that you're both interested in trying in bed. I like Haven's framing for this discussion.

@ Laila I don't think this is rare at all, especially as men age. I think the whole "typical guy" mentality about sex is a product of our youth culture and the media.

 

[qtiekiki]

When you say you initiate, how do you do it? Do you get naked and jump on him?

Agreed on the frank discussion and that an affair is not the answer.

 

[canuk-gal]

[
I have asked him to get Viagra, but since it isnt an issue that he thinks about its been two months since I have asked and he hasnt made one phone call yet!

I am so frustrated.[/quote]


Of course you are.

Sorry, but as Viagra is prescribed for erectile dysfunction--maybe he understands/believes that it might not be a solution as it doesn't help with "desire" or any other "emotion". I hope you understand what I (kindly) mean. That said, Wellbutrin does not "help" everyone--maybe it just isn't for him, but another medication might.

Would changes in diet and exercise help? Does he sleep well? What are his interests?

kind regards--Sharon

 

[Laila619]

This might be too uncomfortable for you, or even on the wrong page, but there are some "couples sexual assessments" out there that might help you figure out some new, exciting things that you're both interested in trying in bed. I like Haven's framing for this discussion.

@ Laila I don't think this is rare at all, especially as men age. I think the whole "typical guy" mentality about sex is a product of our youth culture and the media.[/b]

You're probably right! My husband is still the kinda guy who would be happy having sex 7 days a week, so that's what I am around and used to. But maybe he's more of an oddity than I thought. I have heard the low-drive complaint from quite a few of my girl friends about their guys.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Radiantquest, has anything changed with YOU? The reason I go there is because the XH and I were never exactly setting any records in the bedroom either (TMI, but your five times a year is as much as we did it in FIVE years... Always on Columbus Day weekend... long story.... ). Anyway, after being on hormonal birth control for our entire courtship and marriage, I went off at the age of 38. And then, one day, it all came back to me... Sex... Yesss... Sexxxxx... I remember, and I would like to have me some of that. And I did. With my neighbor (also TMI, but I'm making a point here). And the XH is (presumably--or not) having sex with his new wife. Long story short, think this over in a BIG BIG BIG way before you take a dive into the deep end of the pool. Buy a rabbit. And the economy pack of batteries. And have a good long...think...several times a day if necessary...

P.S. - pleases forgive any typos; I am on my iPad. And also forgive however my tone may come across here. I am trying to be tongue in cheek, but honest at the same time. I really do mean well but I don't know how it will come across on the computer screen.

 

[packrat]

Does it have to only be testosterone that's checked, for low libido? Is that the only hormone that would affect it? Maybe there's something else that could be checked also..everything is so connected in the body-maybe it's something like, I don't know....thyroid issues or something, you know? It needn't be the obvious testosterone, necessarily.

Please don't have an affair.

Are you guys pretty lovey/intimate otherwise? Huggy/kissy/snuggly/touchy feely? The emotional connection/bond is something we need to feel too..maybe he's feeling out of sorts about that?

We rarely engage anymore. I've got books to read, Star Trek TNG to watch. We're on different schedules-I'm always the one expected to lose sleep, and he's so into his hobbies that I take a backseat until *he* wants to or is available, and that's not how I roll so..twice that I can remember since August. He complains "you don't love me anymore" or "you don't love *him* anymore". bah. when I rate higher than hunting or talking on the phone w/his buddies, I'll take my clothes off.

 

[radiantquest]

We had the full work up at the doctors to try and find out what the problem is. The doc says he is fine.

I am sure that he isnt releasing otherwise. Without grossing out the internet just let me assure you I know.

He is into his computer games and thats it. No ****. I tried for 3 months to find **** with no sign.

I have asked him before if he is gay and he says no. I am even considering asking him again and telling him that I will keep his secret. I can have a dude on the side and so can he...Its to the point that I have nearly convinced myself that he must be gay.

I brought up a sex therapist and he refused.

Tried sexting him throughout the day. Nope.

We went to Jamaica for a week for our anniversary last year. We had sex one time! Not on our anniversary, but because I said it was sad that we spent a week there and didnt do it once. Ive tried yelling, getting sexy pictures taken(which are in my filing cabinet and he hasnt asked about once),asking him if theres anything I can do to help turn him on. I tried all approaches to get this under control and he isnt biting.

I really appreciate everyones advice and Im not trying to shoot everyones ideas down, its just that I think I have thought of everything.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I have asked him before if he is gay and he says no. I am even considering asking him again and telling him that I will keep his secret. I can have a dude on the side and so can he...Its to the point that I have nearly convinced myself that he must be gay.

He isn't necessarily gay. He may be asexual. The fact that he isn't looking at **** (I know, stereotype but it is a piece of the puzzle, not the whole puzzle), isn't masturbating and has always had a low sex drive point to that. An asexual person isn't necessarily uninterested in a romantic relationship, by the way, and it varies a lot from person to person: some are uninterested in sex at all, some just don't want it with other people, some like kissing, some hate it. There are some sites and communities about asexuality which may be interesting to you.

One more thing - asexuality is something our society doesn't deal with well at all. Many asexual people have a hard time understanding it and recognizing it in themselves.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i didn't know there are so many Dr. Ruth on PS..

RQ,now listen to me.. tell your husband to eat 6-8 raw oysters and he'll be chasing you all over the bedroom tonight.. ..so put on a pair track shoes ...

 

[radiantquest]

Lady Disdain you may be onto something. The more research that I do about gay husbands says that he would have male **** if it were something he were conflicted about his sexuality. He also isn't anti-homosexual which is something they claim gay men do when they are in the closet with their feelings.

I would be interested in these sites.

Is being asexual something you are born feeling or is it something that can be found out later in life. He has a child, not with me. He has been very open about being very sexual when he was a teenager. He said since 18 his drive has just been dwindling.

Please give me more info about asexuality.

 

[lliang_chi]

RQ, taking the sex part out of it, could it be something else with his life/work/family that's spilling into your sex life? Perhaps him just going to a regular therapist to suss out any issues can help. Sexiness/libido is pretty sensitive so stuff like stress, family drama etc can crush it if your DH has an already lower than average drive.

 

[movie zombie]

you need relief now: good vibrator and lubricant delivered to the door.

http://www.goodvibes.com/main.jhtml

it sounds like your husband is happy as he is.
you either accept him as is or find a way to live with it.
[see website above]

an affair is not an option unless you're willing to get a divorce.
even if hubby agreed you'd be opening doors that for most women lead to emotions/affection for "the other".
the so-called "friend" willing to help you out is NOT a friend!

which leads me to another thought: threesome? you sound desparate enough to try anything.....and it might get him going.
i realize there are many that would be opposed to this but if it saves your marriage, well, who am i to judge?

good luck. i hope you find some peace regarding this.

 

[decodelighted]

If he was promiscuous in his teens ... maybe he was sexually abused? If his own child is approaching the age when his abuse began -- maybe he is having uncomfortable feelings about sex in general. Not that he would be an abuser himself ... but he might just be unsettled & turn himself off totally to the subject to "keep safe" & keep unpleasant memories buried?

WILD GUESS ... just throwing stuff at walls to see if anything sticks!