Two-part (minor) dilemma

[Semiramide]

Hi! I''m kind of nervous to be leaving the safety of lurkerhood, but you are all so nice and supportive of each other that I know I shouldn''t be! My dilemma is twofold. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 8 years (we met as freshmen in college) and are finally at the point where we''re ready to get married. I am in a profession where actual jobs are rare and you have to go wherever the job is, which has taken me to some less than ideal places for the past three years, but my boyfriend has been really wonderful and followed me even though it meant leaving his own steady job. This ate into his savings, and now that he is going back to school he has no money for an engagement ring. I could pay for it, and have offered, but we both feel weird about me paying for the entire ring (I think he would be ok with me paying for some of it, which I will happily do because I have kind of expensive taste!).

So here is my first question: considering the circumstances, would it really be all that strange for me to pay for most of my engagement ring? Or should we wait, and choose an alternative symbol of our engagement for now? Just wondered about people''s opinions on this matter.

So here is the next part: My mom, who is so excited that we are finally talking marriage, gave my boyfriend a watch that belonged to my great-grandmother, intending for us to remove the diamonds and use them in the engagement ring. It is a beautiful watch, and it kills me to think about dismantling it! My mom is really insistent though, as the watch is very ornate and not really wearable on a daily, practical basis. My great-grandmother would have been a great Pricescoper, as she was something of an upgrader AND a recycler, resetting many of her gemstones when the settings went out of fashion, so I know she wouldn''t have minded. And I know it would mean a lot to my mom if we were to accept her lovely gesture.

And now for question 2. Would the watch be completely ruined if the diamonds were removed, or could I eventually replace them with similar stones in the future? Or do you have other ideas about how I could use something from it without really harming it? I am totally open to any ideas and don''t necessarily need to have a RING right now, but I can''t use it as an "engagement watch", as it really is impractical and looks awful on me!

Anyway, as a reward for making it through all that, I''m going to try to figure out how to upload a picture. Thank you for your help!

 

[Regular Guy]

Semirimade,

Welcome.

You''ll get a range of opinions, no doubt. I''m also one of the few guys on here...so wait for the girls to show up.

First thoughts...

Date: 10/8/2007 11:26:25 PM
Author:Semiramide
Or should we wait, and choose an alternative symbol of our engagement for now? Just wondered about people''s opinions on this matter.

That works for me. Also...

So here is the next part: My mom, who is so excited that we are finally talking marriage, gave my boyfriend a watch that belonged to my great-grandmother, intending for us to remove the diamonds and use them in the engagement ring. It is a beautiful watch, and it kills me to think about dismantling it! My mom is really insistent though, as the watch is very ornate and not really wearable on a daily, practical basis.

I dunno. Maybe get over it?

And now for question 2. Would the watch be completely ruined if the diamonds were removed, or could I eventually replace them with similar stones in the future? Or do you have other ideas about how I could use something from it without really harming it? I am totally open to any ideas and don''t necessarily need to have a RING right now, but I can''t use it as an ''engagement watch'', as it really is impractical and looks awful on me!

Seems like the watch is being offered up to be dismantled for the purpose. Maybe use the diamonds as support for a central gem that''s not a diamond...as you say...temporarily...for a time.

Either way...best of wishes to you!

 

[cara]

As to the first part about funding your engagement ring:

To each their own.

Whatever works for you as a couple is all you need to worry about. It will be joint money after the wedding and you might as well start before the wedding IF you both feel OK with it.

As an example, when my husband was earning peanuts in grad school, one of his classmates (also earning peanuts) was looking to get engaged to his girlfriend, an investment banker. She wanted two months of HER salary, which was more than his annual stipend. So she covered all their joint expenses for a YEAR, in addition to regularly stuffing her spending money in a cookie jar labeled "ring fund". So officially he paid for the ring, but you can see that she clearly contributed.

Other couples might have different solutions.

As to whether to dismantle your grandmother's watch, I would pay more attention to what you actually want your ring to look like, within the constraints of your funds, than what materials you have on hand. Find a ring you like first, then figure out if the recycled stones can help.

 

[iheartscience]

Welcome!

Well, first off: please please please DO NOT dismantle that watch no matter what! You should save it and use it for special occasions, or simply have it to admire. I can''t imagine that the diamonds in an antique watch would be very large, so it''s not like you''re getting a center stone from it. I know your mom means well, but the idea of tearing apart an antique watch for the diamonds just hurts me! And if she offered it to you, I think you should tell her you love it just how it is and will use it as your something old on your wedding day (if you want).

Secondly-I think you should just buy your own engagement ring. He''s broke because he''s a student, you''re making good money and don''t mind-what''s the problem? Have him chip in what he can and you cover the rest. Or maybe you can buy the diamond and he can pay for the setting, if he can afford it? That way you won''t feel weird about him not contributing at all and you get to be engaged.

He can either "pay you back" later when he has the money, or you can just chalk it up to the fact that you''ll be married soon and it won''t make much difference who shelled out the money then. And no one has to know about your arrangement but you two...that way he doesn''t have to worry about feeling embarassed he couldn''t afford your ring himself or whatever.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/8/2007 11:45:42 PM
Author: cara
As an example, when my husband was earning peanuts in grad school, one of his classmates (also earning peanuts) was looking to get engaged to his girlfriend, an investment banker. She wanted two months of HER salary, which was more than his annual stipend. So she covered all their joint expenses for a YEAR, in addition to regularly stuffing her spending money in a cookie jar labeled ''ring fund''. So officially he paid for the ring, but you can see that she clearly contributed.

I LOVE this idea. I think it is a great solution personally, as it still allows your man to "pay" for the ring (which is important for many guys), while not causing significant financial hardship. Great solution!

As for the watch, if it is at all sentimental to you as a WATCH, keep it. If not, then I would say go ahead and use it a you wish.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree, go ahead and get the ring if you consider your money shared anyway! There was one girl on here that got her dream setting and used a high quality diamond-substitute until they could afford the diamond. But if you can afford the diamond, too, I''d go ahead and do it. Just put the money in his account and let him pay for the ring. Being engaged is a lot more fun with a ring!

Definitely leave the watch alone and wear on special occasions. The diamonds might not even be fine enough for a ring, but they belong in that watch! So I''d leave that as it is as a special reminder of your great grandmother!

 

[Kaleigh]

Welcome to PS

Please don''t dismantle your great great grandmother''s watch. It needs to be left intact. Taking the stones out of it will ruin it. It needs to remain as is. I''m super sentimental about old pieces, so that''s were I am coming from.

If you want to pay for the stone for your ering, that''s cool. Maybe he can pay for the setting??
No fast and hard rules, just do what is comfortable for the 2 of you....

 

[Semiramide]

Hi again everybody! Thank you so much for your replies - they are all really helpful, and I will respond more personally when I finally figure out how to get a picture of the watch on here! Did this work?

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 10/9/2007 12:03:49 AM
Author: Semiramide
Hi again everybody! Thank you so much for your replies - they are all really helpful, and I will respond more personally when I finally figure out how to get a picture of the watch on here! Did this work?

Yes it did, and what a lovely heirloom. Please leave it intact.

 

[Semiramide]

Oh good, it worked!!

Thank you again for all of your thoughtful responses. It helps to hear other opinions about the watch - I knew that a lot of people wouldn''t want it taken apart (I have been a lurker on here for an embarassingly long time!), but to hear everyone''s thoughts helps to solidify my own opinion. I won''t dismantle it, but I do wish it looked better on me! And I love thing2of2''s idea to use it as my "something old".

Thank you also for the responses on paying for the ring - I love everyone''s ideas! Cara, I''m going to suggest your husband''s classmate''s method to B tonight. I hope he''s ok with it, because that sounds perfect for us. Diamondseeker, I think you are right that being engaged with a ring would be more fun. People don''t grab your hand to look at your "engagement watch", knowing right away what it symbolizes. I think a ring it is!

And to Kaleigh, neatfreak, and Ira Z., thank you also for weighing in. Your opinions as seasoned posters are very valuable, and you''ve helped me to come to both decisions easily. I will let you know what we end up with (actually, I''ll probably ask for more help before then)!

 

[Evelynn]

First off, I think it''s heartwarming to hear stories like yours! 8 years together is something to celebrate! Congrats on such a great relationship!

On the ring: I know that cost is a touchy subject for most couples just beginning the e-ring search. I say try to keep it within both your means - you do not want to start your life in some serious debt over it. Your bf obviously loves you dearly, what a sweet guy to pick up and move with you!!

I would think it would be hard from his stand point if you footed the bill for your own engagement ring, guys get odd like that when it comes to certain things...certain "engagement-like" things! What if you were to become engaged with a band? A few of my close friends were engaged with diamond bands that they then used as wedding bands after they received a diamond. You even could use it as an engagement ring and wedding band, then save up for a diamond for say, your first anniversary or other milestone along the way?

The watch: I think you should just leave it as is and wear it as a lovely reminder of your dear great grandmother! I am a very sentimental person, and since it was given to your mother, and now will be handed down to you, perhaps you could pass it on to your daughter some day?

Just my thoughts, hope they help!!

And welcome to Pricescope!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Here''s hoping he''s agreed to the solution you''ve come up with, I think it''s a great one!

 

[Regular Guy]

Date: 10/9/2007 12:56:55 AM
Author: Semiramide
Oh good, it worked!!

Thank you again for all of your thoughtful responses. It helps to hear other opinions about the watch - I knew that a lot of people wouldn''t want it taken apart (I have been a lurker on here for an embarassingly long time!), but to hear everyone''s thoughts helps to solidify my own opinion. I won''t dismantle it, but I do wish it looked better on me! And I love thing2of2''s idea to use it as my ''something old''.

Thank you also for the responses on paying for the ring - I love everyone''s ideas! Cara, I''m going to suggest your husband''s classmate''s method to B tonight. I hope he''s ok with it, because that sounds perfect for us. Diamondseeker, I think you are right that being engaged with a ring would be more fun. People don''t grab your hand to look at your ''engagement watch'', knowing right away what it symbolizes. I think a ring it is!

And to Kaleigh, neatfreak, and Ira Z., thank you also for weighing in. Your opinions as seasoned posters are very valuable, and you''ve helped me to come to both decisions easily. I will let you know what we end up with (actually, I''ll probably ask for more help before then)!

Semi, looks like you''re thinking clearly about this, and do have good suggestions to borrow from.

Let us know how it''s going.

Best wishes,

 

[Pandora II]

To be honest, with small stones it will probably cost you as much to have them unset and reset as to buy new ones that are calibrated for the design. Also you risk breaking the stones during removal, resetting.

RE Buying the wedding ring - personally I would opt for a placeholder ring until you can both afford the one you really want. That way, you get TWO rings

 

[zoebartlett]

What a beautiful watch! I definitely would leave it as is.

 

[Joolskie]

It is my feeling that you should not dismantle the watch. It is a beautiful heirloom and definitely something you can wear when the occasion calls for it!

As a far as the e-ring goes... I say whatever the two of you agree upon is the way to go! If he has supported your career and relationship by moving with you and is now going back to school himself... you guys sound like you have a great partnership going. And that give-and-take is what marriage is all about. So I see no problem with "you" paying for the ring.

I think the compromise route would be for you to handle the diamond and for him to handle the setting. That would keep in line with the partnership.

If he truly wants to purchase the ring... I would suggest selecting a stunning band or a beautiful colored stone now. Later, you can do it up with all out e-ring style.

I am sure that you guys will work together to come up with what is right for the both of you.

 

[qtiekiki]

I hope your BF will go for Cara''s idea. What''s really important is that you are both comfortable with whatever idea you come up. No one else have to know how the ring was financed/paid for.

Your grandma''s watch is lovely; definitely uses it as your "something old" or special occasions.

 

[wolftress]

I agree with most others here... please don't dismantle that watch. The diamonds are small and may get chipped in the process, and you would risk damaging the setting too. It would probably cost more to remove those diamonds than to buy new ones that size for your ring setting.

In this day and age, I don't think the 'rules of engagement' apply any more. A lot of women propose to their boyfriends and some pay for part or all of their engagement rings. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, if it's something that will bother you in future, then maybe you can just get a beautiful setting with diamonds on it, set a semi-precious stone and then your boyfriend can replace it with a diamond when he can afford to. Or... you could go the other route and buy your dream diamond, set it in a temporary setting, and he can pay for your dream setting in future.

Just some ideas

Welcome to PS and good luck with your engagement!