Tubal Ligation

[iLander]

Just a drive by post before the kids come and chaos begin and I'm a gibbering mess in the corner.

Yeah, I accept responsibility to a certain extent. However. I've been thru the no lightbulb thing, crazily enough--"oh shoot, the last bulb burned out-did you ever get bulbs like you planned?" "no, i"ll do it this afternoon"...that afternoon, are you going to get them or do you want me to do it? No I'll do it. The next morning, do you want me to do it or do you want to get them? I'll do it. The next day, do you want me to do it or are you going to do it? After 2 months of making supper by the light that comes in from the living room and over the sink, my mom finally said Oh good lord, and bought bulbs herself and changed them. I went 2 weeks not putting the garbage out b/c he said he was going to do it..maggots all over the outside of the can..I did it myself finally. He grew up in a hoarder house, literally, something from tv-so he's not put off by disgusting messes. He'll step over cat barf for days on end, maybe if he's feeling generous he'll put a paper towel over it so I know it's there to clean up. He will clean up after the dog is she has an accident b/c animal urine is something he spent his entire childhood being teased about. So, yanno, I prefer to not have to wear a hazmat suit in my house. I refuse to clean his bathroom downstairs--and he won't. If I took a picture and posted it...that would be horrifyingly embarrassing. He doesn't clean up his hair after he shaves, so it looks like clumps of bugs all over the room. He doesn't pick up the garbage can after it is full...it's piled all over the floor. The inside of the shower is a pink/red b/c of whatever kind of mold/mildew/soap scum is all over. It used to be the only time I could get him to clean his bathroom is when we had our yearly bbq..we've not done that in 4 or 5 years. If that gives you an idea of the last time he cleaned it.

My parents help us w/our business, help us w/production. Dad asked me the other day how to light a fire under his a$$. I said I dunno, but don't tell him you'll have sex w/him if he does something b/c he still won't do it. (which dad knows b/c they took the kids one night so he and I could have alone time b/c I mentioned in jest one day that maybe if we had sex he would start the kitchen remodel that he's been promising me for 5 years now. Dad came the next day and said "I don't see him in there tearing out that wall, did you play hard to get?" No, he just isn't going to get it done regardless. (that was our last time, and I think that was february) Dad said the other day "it's like pulling teeth to get that man to do *anything*." (b/c we're behind on production, and it happens to be the things he's the only one that can do, go figure) Um, der, tell me about it.

Gah bus is here.

This is classic passive aggressive behavior. He doesn't like to be nagged (out of control) so he (gets control back by) does it on his own timeline. The more you nag, the worse it gets.

Counselor for him. Now. He needs to understand you two are partners in life and you are not his mommy. He either mans up (does what needs to be done) or he is treated like a child (nagged).

Counselor for him or decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

My son was like this, and it drove me insane while raising him. It was freakin' unbearable.

 

[Jambalaya]

The thing is, what do you do with someone who is completely intractable and just won't budge an inch no matter what you do? Some people like this would rather actually lose a good relationship or friendship rather than carry out reasonable requests. There are many techniques to deal with others, such as teaching people how to treat you, which I believe in, and they work with the majority of people. Most people have at least a modicum of reason about them. But then you get people who just seem to get completely stuck on not doing what you ask, even when what you ask is so reasonable. It's as if their entire being will crumble if they do what you ask. What do you do with someone like that? I have no answers.

 

[JaneSmith]

Just a quick note to say that I truly sympathize with you Packrat. I remember when I first started dating my now husband, I would go over to his place and it would be messy, not bad enough for a TV episode or anything, but still. I would clean and do dishes and cook because I didn't want to be in the filth. I remember when we were talking marriage that I stopped doing his laundry (ugh, learn to wipe) because I imagined I'd be doing it for the rest of my life. After ten years I no longer clean his spaces in the house and I forbid my daughter to go near them for fear of her contracting the pox or some other lurgy. People get used to being taken care of, they take it for granted and expect it, even when they aren't brought up in such challenging and substandard conditions like you husband was.

Warning, some women's health TMI ahead.
On the contraceptive front, I can heartily endorse the IUD. There is a hormone free one if you are sensitive, but I have no problems with my mirena and did have some side effects from the pill. For me, it is mildly uncomfortable on insertion and I have some mild- moderate period like cramps for a couple of hours after. I'm on my second one. I got the first one a year post partum and had a couple of slightly heavier periods and some very mild pms style moodiness (never had that before!) for a couple of months and then, magic! No moodiness, and best of all, no periods! Woot! I do get the occasional light 'period' if one can call a couple of pinky mucous wipes after peeing a period. No periods or moodiness on the insertion of the new one. The removal felt weird, a bit like having some guts taken out but not really painful, just weird.

I don't know how you feel about abortions, but no birth control is ever 100%. I've seen a woman get pregnant with an IUD in. I've seen a woman get pregnant after her hubby's vasectomy, and then again after his re-do vasectomy and her tubal. Very very rare, but not impossible. So, even with all these great preventative measures we have these days, make sure you can get some RU486 if you need it.

 

[momhappy]

My IUD experience was anything but perfect....I had to have it removed after less than 6 months due to some rather unpleasant complications. IUDs can be a good option for some, but not others. It's worth looking into though because if it works for you, then it can be a hassle-free form of BC. I just had two friends get an IUD and so far, both of them are liking it.
I can't do IUDs, diagrams are gross, condoms are not ideal, and certain BC pills make me sick. After years of being in charge of BC, much like PackRat, I'm sick of it too The only reason why I haven't pushed for the vasectomy yet is that I can't say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't have another child. When the time comes, however, I will escort him to the vasectomy consultation and get the ball rolling.

Agree.

I don't want to see any diagrams of that stuff either.



Just a joke . . .

I didn't even notice that. Darn autocorrect

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm a fan of diaphragms, myself. They might be a bit fiddly but I think it's the only method which is both non-hormonal and non-barrier. So you don't have to take hormones but also don't have any complaints about lack of sensation from your partner. I think the win-win is worth the fiddliness - and it gets easier to use with practice.

 

[House Cat]

I don't buy the idea that he is willing to lose anything...especially his wife and children. He grew up in a highly unstable home where he was surrounded in filth and where his needs weren't met to the point of not being fed. His mother was an addict to top it off. He is the product of SEVERE neglect. We are not talking about a normal person who is being a selfish ass. We are talking about someone with very limited self care skills. If you have never been taught to care for yourself on the most fundamental levels... Cleanliness and food, how can you be expected to know how to fulfil all of the normal duties of taking care of a wife and children? He is going to mess up, a lot, all of the time and need guidance every step of the way..period.

He has real issues. I can see why he wouldn't want to go to counseling. Facing that kind of childhood neglect would be incredibly painful.

The fact that he is married, loving on packrat, a police officer, a father, speaks to his incredible character.
Packrat,
The fact that you have taken this man as your husband packrat speaks to your incredible character.


I get it. You are worn out. You are stretched out. You do far too much. Is it a possibility that you two can figure this out, knowing that you are working with the raw material that is him and his issues and that the tiniest baby steps will be the biggest triumphs?


I dunno, I am just getting frustrated because it seems that everyone is viewing this situation as if packrat's husband were a normal guy. He isn't. Not by a long shot. And I am not trying to be offensive to your husband Packrat. I am just moved and saddened that he had such an awful childhood and I know that it just HAD to have a deep impact on who he is now.

 

[Jambalaya]

House Cat, I completely agree with your post.

When I was talking a few responses ago about people who don't respond to the normal tools of establishing how you want to be treated, I was speaking in a general sense because I'd been told that living with someone like this was my fault for not teaching them how to treat me, and I was saying it's not always that simple, in general. With regards to JD, yes it sounds like he has a lot to work through, after that unimaginably awful childhood.

You mentioned the concept of self-care. Interestingly, both the man and the room-mate that I lived with had been sent to boarding school after a parental divorce, both acrimonious splits so the parents were busy with their own problems and the kids were packed off out the way. These two people had never met each other, but there were some startling similarities in the way they lived. They had no idea how to make their environments pleasant - they lived in dark, dirty, cold spaces. It would never have occurred to them to place good lighting around, and flowers, and straighten the place up, and make themselves nice homecooked food. Years later, I realized that both of them exhibited signs of having been brought up in an institution. If I had to guess, I never would have thought it was a boarding school - I would have guessed a tough orphanage or juvie. And they weren't victims of the kind of neglect that Packrat describes, yet still they had really no idea at all how to practice self-care. I am not saying that boarding school has this effect on everyone, but it was the common factor with them - that and a bad parental divorce.

I just wanted to say that I agree with your post because it rang bells with me, and although I haven't experienced anything as extreme as Packrat's situation, I think that when a person's negative domestic ways are down to their childhood, it's very hard to change that. The room-mate was the most impossible to change - but of course, we were just room-mates. I think change is much more possible within a marriage.

 

[TooPatient]

Oh, Packrat, I am so sorry. I just read the 3rd page. That can't be easy for either of you.

Can you try something like you did before? "Hey! Let's do this together then go enjoy this."

Bad parents leave issues that last forever. JD must have a lot of feelings that he may not even know how to put in words. Sending you both hugs as you try to find solutions that make both of you comfortable.

 

[packrat]

As frustrating as I find things..I love him. And I know he loves me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, on both sides. We've joked since before we were married that we are Buttercup and Westley-I have my Princess Bride wedding set--he just is, I just am and we just are. We love with a love that is more than love. However, there are no hit you in the heart quotes from Lang Leav and Poe that I'm aware of that also express the unwavering OMG I seriously am going to smother you in your sleep that I feel at times.

Late supper time, will be back later to talk more in depth.

 

[packrat]

We've talked before about his past, he and I. If I'd met him before he met my brother, we wouldn't have gotten along. I admit to having a thing for "bad boys", but he was more than just a guy who had long hair and fought a lot and partied and listened to heavy metal. He went to jail, and for days. He met my brother by chance-he'd just gotten out of jail and knew that next time he got in trouble (the guys he hung around w/were *bad*) he would probably end up in prison. He was 19 and happened to see a guy he'd played against in high school football who was going to a party, so he tagged along. That was all she wrote. We met shortly thereafter-my brother and I had the same group of friends-and it was pretty much an instant friendship. For whatever reason, he chose door #1 that night and that was the catalyst to turning his life around. When we first dated, we went out one night w/his old crowd, and that was the only time. They came to our town one night later on and there ended up being a fight at the bar and I told him flat out, "you're not allowed to play w/them anymore" and he agreed enough was enough.

He has told me he credits my brother, and me and my parents, for helping him become a different person. I know he appreciates where he is in life now, especially compared to where he could be and probably would've been otherwise. Not that we're movers and shakers in life, but I think we have a good life together overall. We both have an effed up sense of humor for sure. That helps haha.

He has come a long way, and fought to get there--mostly against adults, both when he was a child, and as an adult. A lot of people still don't think others can change, but I know they can, b/c I married one who did. I'd not have married him otherwise, and I know a lot of people thought I was stupid, but it will be 14 years in November, and I really don't think I could be 14 years worth of stupid.

I just need to figure out how to work thru my feelings of hurt and...well, I guess in some ways feelings of a lack of disrespect for me. so we can worth thru this together.

 

[JaneSmith]

That is such a sweet and touching story.

 

[Jambalaya]

That's lovely, Packrat. It sounds as if you really understand him. He's lucky to have you. And poor JD! It sounds as if he has really overcome a lot in his life

 

[imitcan]

I had a tubal ligation when my kids were 6 and 4. Despite it being a far more invasive procedure than a vasectomy, I still went ahead and took the bull by the horns and did it. If I had pushed hard for him to get a vasectomy he would have gone for one, albeit reluctantly.

We, both felt our family was complete but it was me who really did not look forward to the "surprise" of getting pregnant in my 40's. So I did the research and made my decision. My doctor offered to talk to my husband to convince him to have a vasectomy instead as it was so much easier and faster than a tubal ligation. But I declined. And we have never looked back. It was so liberating in that we never had to worry about the pregnancy risk and the other what ifs around having a baby. We focused all that energy into raising the two we had as best we could, nurturing our relationship as a married couple, and making some headway in our careers.

I can't say it has been a bed of roses as there are days that I wish for a complete do over (of the day). But that's life. If you having a tubal ligation is going to pave the way for some progress on your relationship with your husband, then do it, provided you are sure of not ever wanting another child.

 

[Queenie60]

What in the world does this have to do with PriceScope?

 

[Jambalaya]

Check out the sub-forum name. It's called Hangout, where people hang out to talk about lots of things other than diamonds. If you look at the thread list, you will see an enormous range of topics.

 

[packrat]

What in the world does this have to do with PriceScope?

haha-It's got the same to do w/Pricescope as fancy chocolate, teenagers, divorce, beauty products, and the Pope.