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Transitioning to single income...

NakedFinger

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Jan 8, 2009
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I am currently considering becoming a stay at home mom. My husband makes a very good living so I am not concerned about not being able to live comfortably, I am more concerned about getting accustomed to "sharing".

Let me explain....My husband and I dated for a long time, we were teenagers when we first got together, so there were many years together before we got married. Because of that, I had my money, he had his, and we were comfortable with that and it worked for us, so we never changed when we got married. We bought two houses before we got married, shared the mortgage/bills and what not, but then anything left after that was my "extra" and anything left was his "extra".

I make very good money on my own, so I never bother my husband with what he spends his money on. If he wants a new boat, fine. New snowboards, fine, because I get to do the same. I like having my own money and not getting a hard time about what I spend my money on. If I want to buy a $500 pair of shoes I can, go on a shipping spree, I do, get hair/nails done, fine. They say the #1 thing couples fight about is money, so I am scared about throwing a monkey wrench into that. Not that I think my husband will be a pain about it, but he may find 3 new pairs of shoes in a week excessive. Haha.

For a lot of women I know, when the time came to decide to stay home it was easy. They were only making $40k a year, which wasn't a significant part of their household income, and with daycare being $35-$40k a year, they didnt bother because in essence they would be working just to put the kid in daycare. However, I make six figures, and get about $5,000-$12,000 a month in bonuses. So I am afraid that while we will be more than fine with just my husband's money, we will "miss" my income still ,and I am going to have to slightly change my habits. I dont mind, because being home with my son is worth it, but I wonder how most couples handle this since it is new territory for me.

So please help. How do you handle it, what works for you in your house? Do you just have a joint account, each with your own debit card? Do you have an "allowance" per week (I'm thinking in a la Good Fella's where she ask for some money to go shopping and he says "how much?" and she says "this much' and holds her fingers about two inches apart. lol) ? It just seems so foreign to me to have to ask for money or bother my husband if I need something. I'm nervous!
 

sonnyjane

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I can't offer any advice, as we currently do things the way you do (or used to). He makes his, I make mine. We have no joint accounts. I buy stuff for me, he buys stuff for him, and if we go on a vacation, I usually book it, tell him the total, and ask for half.... You get the idea.

Basically, I just wanted to wish you luck because coming from a person that uses that method, I can imagine how this new phase might seem uncertain!
 

04diamond<3

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May 31, 2007
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That's an interesting situation to be in....DH and I had joint accounts before we were married even though we didn't live together. He made far more money than me, but I guess that was a good way to build trust. I've been in school for the last year so he's been supporting me but we still think of it as "our" money. What's funny is I still pay the bill and check the accounts and for certain purchases we still talk about it. If one of us isn't in the same boat then it's not happening. How does your DH feel about this? In my mind the man makes the money and if you're going to stay home and raise his (and your) children, it's pretty equal. Raising kids is a full time job and it's extremely hard work. I'm not saying women can't have careers, because I actually would like to do that. Have a nanny or something while I assist in bringing in the income. I grew up with a nanny and it was nice (except my parent were always gone), so I'd only want someone there part time. It's easier when you have family near by that can help too. I guess it's up to you, everyone has their opinions and differences, so I think you should talk to your DH and figure out what is going to work out best for you all.
 

kenny

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Your post does not reflect a feeling that in the marriage it's all OUR money, which is how some couples do it.
Quote, "... I had my money, he had his, and we were comfortable with that and it worked for us, so we never changed when we got married."
I think this is significant.

Tread with caution.
Money is power.

Are you okay with the possibility that you may feel you have less power?
You may be, nothing wrong with that.
Then again you and your SO may come through this with flying colors.
 

rosetta

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Jan 7, 2010
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I'm on sabbatical. I am going back to work in a few months. Although we share all our money, I feel I have less "freedom" to spend money on frivolities right now. I also gave up a six figure salary, so the drop in income was substantial.

I'll be honest. I have loved LOVED my time at home. But I hate not earning my money outside the home. I DO feel less empowered, even though my husband begrudges me nothing and he earns good money himself. In fact, he is joining a job in September that will increase his salary by the same amount as my current salary, so I could sit at home eating bonbons all day (ok, ok that's not all I do!) and the same amount of money would come into the household. But I can't do it. So I'm going back to work with reduced hours. But I'm going back for sure. I need to have my own career, outside of home. That's just me.
 

yennyfire

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Our situation was similar. We both earned six figure salaries and did our own thing before marriage. Once we got married, we pooled our resources in a joint account and used "his" income to pay all of the bills and "mine" went to retirement, college funds (for the kids we hoped to have) and paying off the mortgage in a few years (the house, btw, was one I'd purchased on my own before we were married).

I had planned to continue working after our first child was born (he was going to go to daycare), but he got RSV at 5 weeks and the pedi told me "no daycare". I ended up with a live in nanny because we both traveled quite a bit for work and couldn't manage our schedules so that the nanny could live elsewhere. In the end, I hated having a stranger in our home and we decided that I'd stay home with our kids. I've been home now for 8 years. Our income is now more than it was when we were both working, but our expenses have at least doubled, what with two kids, summer camp, Bar/Bat Mitzvah funds, Synagogue dues, multiple kid's activities that cost a few thousand a year, etc. So, while we certainly don't struggle, we aren't as carefree with our money as we once were, and, now that I don't work, I no longer need the kind of wardrobe I did when I worked. My husband truly feels that what he earns is "ours". We always discuss large purchases before making them (we did that once we got engaged) and he knows that I am incredibly frugal and that I do my homework. If I say something is a reasonable expense, he knows that I'm correct and he doesn't second guess me. He always reminds me that if he had to pay for a nanny, a cook, a laundress, a chauffer and a tutor, he'd be broke, not to mention that the "staff" wouldn't love him the way I do. ;-)

All of this said though, it sounds like you and your husband had reasons for not pooling your resources when you got married. If those reasons haven't changed, it may be hard for you to feel like you need "approval" before making a purchase and he may feel the burden of being the sole breadwinner and may resent your purchases. I think that you need to have a VERY honest conversation with him, using concrete examples.

If you don't feel like both of you can view "his" income as "your" joint resources, I'd be very careful about the decision to stop working. My ideal scenario would be having a part time career, but in my field, that just wasn't possible. I still keep my eyes open, because I would love something that was solely "mine", but so far, it hasn't happened and the longer you're out of the workforce, the harder it is to get back in. I keep very busy, being on the Board at our elementary school and doing charity work, but I still miss having my career. Good luck with your decision!
 

isaku5

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We were married when I was 20 (and in university) and he was 24 and in a partnership with his dad in the plumbing and heating business. I had no money and he had to ask his father for money for groceries for us as my DH had no signing privileges on the business account nor did he receive a salary :rolleyes: Hindsight being what it is, I wouldn't have married him until the finances were straightened out, but I was so naive and in love :bigsmile:

Add to that mess, the fact that I became pregnant very soon and you have a real dilemma. I vowed to get my degree finished and attend Teacher's College as quickly as possible! I certainly wasn't going to ask my parents for money and they had no idea what was going on with us.

I started teaching in '67 and didn't stop until illness made further work impossible in '87. The good part was that I qualified for a disability payment so some money was still coming in.

My situation was almost the reverse of yours. I understood the freedom money brought us and looked after my own bills, some of the housing costs and he had to step up to the plate and take care of everything else.

In retirement now, we each have financial responsibilities. I have a lovely pension now which I can count on until I die. He makes what he can in the biz and we both have government pensions as well.

As Kenny said "Tread carefully" because if you follow through as you've planned, there could be huge financial implications.

I wish you well no matter what decision you make. :wavey:
 

JewelFreak

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Sep 3, 2009
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7,768
Discuss it thoroughly before you make a decision. You need to get your expectations in sync. The balance of power can change, and in ways beyond monetary. For me, it took some getting used to.

One recommendation I have from experience is for YOU to pay the bills. That relieves you of asking for money & gives you a feeling of more control. You won't have to account for new shoes (unless he's a noticing type). You won't need the wardrobe you have now -- clothing costs go down a lot.

DH & I had our own accounts when I was working, but afterwards, we opened a joint one. The first several years when he paid the bills, I was really uncomfortable. After a lifetime of independence, I felt like Dad was looking over my shoulder, even if it wasn't true. When we moved, I took over bill-paying & it made a big difference. Neither of us spends differently, but I have a better idea of how we spend & I don't feel crowded. We each keep a small account individually from which we buy presents for each other & use for occasional splurges.

Another area you can stumble over is "Why isn't that done? What were you doing at home all day?" This attitude surfaced unexpectedly & caused quite a bit of antagonism between us. Eventually he & I both chilled & the subject never comes up now. It's worth talking about as you make your decision.

Staying home with your kid(s) is an invaluable & irreplaceable gift to give them. However you decide to go, all best wishes.

--- Laurie
 

Tuckins1

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Apr 13, 2008
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I just did the same thing. I am starting full time grad school in the fall, and decided to stop working so I could actually see my son instead of being gone from before he wakes up to after he goes to bed. It was hard for me to let go of that income, but DH makes very good money and we have more than enough for our monthly bills, with money left for savings. We just have all of our money in a joint bank account, and all bills come out of that account. We have multiple savings accounts, and we don't touch that money at all. We have just started to really curtail our "extra" spending, just so we can get a good idea of exactly what we will be able to save each month once my income drops to nothing... The anxiety about losing my income is absolutely negated by the excitement I feel about being able to spend so much time with my son! He starts pre-school this fall, and I can't wait to see how he does with it!
 

Ally T

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My husband & I bought our first house together 5 months after dating, at which point we opened a joint bank account where both our salaries got paid & the money became 'ours' rather than 'mine' & 'his'. Although he earned 3 times what I did & had a 6 figure salary, I was still earning a substantial amount (£42k at the time in 2006) but we went forward with trust. We had a transfer each month from the joint account into our old individual accounts, which was our pocket money spends.

When I delivered our first daughter I had all the intentions of returning to work after 9 months maternity leave, but at 5 months I decided no, I wanted to stay at home. Prior to this we never, ever gave thought to spending money or having indulgent holidays & weekends away, even though we are not the richest. My delivery was difficult due to a blood clotting disease & lack of clotting factor (I'm a bleeder!) & i decided I had risked enough to get that precious child here & therefore she was my full responsibility. It wasn't up for discussion. Hubby was surprised but fully supportive.

We now have 2 daughters aged 4.5 & 2.5, the second delivery of which was almost game over for me. I treasure my time at home with them more than I treasure a huge disposable income. And my priorities have changed anyway - I don't spend nearly as much on myself as I used to. We still have pocket money accounts but with a bit less money going into them & I use the joint account for household shopping. There is no discomfort & my husband earns a very good living, but we are slightly more cautious now that we have children to provide for. I never ask for money - I just get on with anything I need to & have full access & permissions on savings & shares accounts. This is what works for us :))
 

monarch64

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I just made the transition from full time working mother to SAHM. I started my own business working from home. It can be done. I expect to see profit in 15 months. We did have significant savings built up prior to making this decision. There's no issue with power this way--I'm able to raise my child myself, and generate income at the same time.
 

MichelleCarmen

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Who does your finances now? It's been easier because with us, DH brings home income, but I do all the finances so I just make sure our bills are paid and then allocate the rest and I AM able to go shopping and get treats for myself, but really, unless there is some great event, I'd not consider spending $500 on shoes, BUT I do still buy designer jeans because they fit better and I can wear jeans anywhere (I make some sacrifices, but pick and chose which are the ones to make). So, I would look at your spending habits and decide which are ones you cannot give up and ones you can and take it from there. (For example, I could check out books from the library, but I still buy all my books *used* at half price [at a great book store by me - not Amazon - half the time the used books are gross or show wear] or use my Kindle and that is one that both my DH and I agree is worth spending $ on...it's good if you're on the same page! My husband is also fine with the jeans especially since I shop sales.)

Your best bet is sit down with your dh and discuss priorities. Also, you may want to set aside some money before you quit your job so you have your own spending nest-egg. Plus, once your son is school, you can work PT to bring in some cash.
 

SB621

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I will say that when I was pregnant for the first time DH and I sat down and really thought about 1 of us staying at home with our future child. I have always been the major money earner in our relationship but DH makes enough- though just shy for me to be comfortable as it would put us on a bit of a budget to have 70% of our income vanish. In the end we decided that I woudln't make a decision till my maternity leave was up. Then if i wanted to stay at home I would- we would make the money thing work. No more jewelry or expensive vacations- but we could still eat out and having a cleaning person come to the house etc.

After being at home for 12 weeks I was thrilled to go back to work. While I love my son with my every fiber and cried excessivly his first few weeks at daycare I just couldn't stay at home. I missed interacting with people and in general I just missed working. It wasn't even about the money part. I have found that several other working moms had the same reaction. Had planned to stay at home but just couldn't at the last minute and went back to work. I know this doesn't answer your question at all, but just something to think about. I think most moms want to stay at home with their babies, but it is a major life change when you are used to working and actually like your job.

And I have to agree with Yenny- while I did go back to work once you have children expenses go up dramatically once they arrive. You have clothes, shoes, food, college savings, activites...oh goodness I could go on about activies-- Since we have 2 young kids we like to be active on the weekends. We paid for a year membership to the zoo that is near us ($100 a year per year), 2 kids in toddler gymnastics ($80 a month), membership to the local childrens museum ($200 per family). I feel like we constantly have expenses with them that I never thought about. And I haven't even brought up medical, dental and vision expenses. Basically we have a savings account for the kids independant of college savings for stuff like if they want to go to camp, taking horse back riding lessons, etc.

Ok I have really digressed on my post. I will say yes you need to sit down and talk this over with your husband. When you pool your income you essentially lose the right to make expensive purchases independantly. I know DH and I pool our money. Though I make more we always talk about what we are buying. I typically tell him about something that is over 1k. Anything else isn't really discussed. But that is our threshold. I know my parents talk about anything over $100. I think you need to set up prameters with your expectations. He needs to know that being a stay at home mom is work and with loss of income you both won't have the generous "funny" money you used to have. Yes this can put stress on a relationship but it sounds like you guys have been together a long time and are very honest with your mom. I think the majority of people who have issues with marriage and money aren't honest with what they are making and where it is going etc.
 

partgypsy

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Honey when the kid comes a lot of stuff is going to change. Yes it can be a blow to self esteem not to have that separate work life (not to mention income). When the kid comes, he/she gets first in line as far as priorities, both money AND time, and $500 in shoes goes down.

The thing is, most women get that, when the kid comes. Things are different because you are viscerally experiencing it. But will your husband? How will you respond if you naturally spend less for the family, but your husband is still going out buying snowboards. And going snowboarding with his pals while you watch the kid?

When you have a child, both parents will need to sacrifice. This will mostly be for time, but also money. Most likely both partners will feel like they are giving up or working more than your fair share. You may love your child, but miss having a six figure job, who no one (including your husband) could say boo to how you spend it.
Your husband may feel resentful or stressed that he is the sole income bringer. Or entitled to spend when you don't feel you can.

Not to say these things have to happen.
But now is the time to maybe sit down with your husband and talk about some hypotheticals, and maybe some ground rules about budgets.
 

NewEnglandLady

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Do you plan on being a SAHM indefinitely? Or do you think it's something you'll do until your kids become school-aged?

Would your husband be open to living on his salary (it's a good exercise, anyway), then you can save your salary for a few months so that you have a stash? If you can set aside $20K or so over the next few months, that might be enough of a rainy-day fund to get you through the next couple of years if you want to splurge every few months.

My situation was similar to yours--DH calls me hyperindependent, we met when we were teens, I had a hard time making the transition to "ours" (though Part Gypsy is right--having a kid makes it easier). DH was the breadwinner and we'd planned for me to be a SAHM, but I had a hard time giving up my nice salary, so I decided to take a pay cut and reduce my hours so I have more time at home. I'm still covering our health benefits and contributing to our retirement funds at the same level I did when I worked full-time, so the sacrifice is just in my take-home pay. If I couldn't reduce my hours, I would have quit. And I had set aside some money for DH's b-day/Christmas gifts for the next few years just in case. I just hated the idea of him paying for his own gifts.
 

TC1987

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read http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/the-exchange/done-baby-boomer-reveal-deepest-financial-regrets-225707221.html

I recommend getting a nanny and not giving up your career to stay home with children fulltime. Perhaps scale back the hours but I would not give up a lucrative career to be some homemaker. Never in 300 years. Never. Too much of a step down. My mother worked as a teacher and we only had partJun-Jul-partAug with a fulltime homemaker at home. And we didn't need one, either. Motherhood is a thankless job, and one should not give up one's entire identity and career just to do motherhood. Homemakers often delude themselves that their kids need them more than those kids actually do. Whatever you do, definitely don't martyr yourself to do homemaker stuff. You will totally lose the respect of kids and spouse if you do. A lot of that role, the other members of the household can and should do for themselves.
 

sonnyjane

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NewEnglandLady|1372103541|3471483 said:
Do you plan on being a SAHM indefinitely? Or do you think it's something you'll do until your kids become school-aged?

Would your husband be open to living on his salary (it's a good exercise, anyway), then you can save your salary for a few months so that you have a stash? If you can set aside $20K or so over the next few months, that might be enough of a rainy-day fund to get you through the next couple of years if you want to splurge every few months.

I really like this idea. First of all, it will prepare you financially for living on one income and finding out how much surplus there is, etc., but more importantly it will give you that "play money" that you can spend without guilt or having to ask for permission.
 

distracts

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Figure out your regular expenses, including kid expenses. Put away those, and your savings, and your emergency money. Split whatever is left over in half and put it in separate accounts so you can still spend it how you please. Then no one has to be accountable to the other but it's still coming out of one pot. As long as you're pulling out of your fun account rather than the household account, it won't matter if you buy three pairs of shoes in a week. Of course, with half the money coming in and kid expenses, you probably won't be able to do that every week, but if you have separate fun money accounts with set amounts going into them, it keeps everything equal and sort of maintains the mindset you have now of having separate money.
 

dreamer_dachsie

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Do you have kids now? Have you stayed home with them yet for any long period of time?

I am not going to comment on money... but I want to make sure you have thought through the ramifications for your career and life by staying home. Make sure it's what you really want. Perhaps take a 6 months leave of absence before actually quitting. Most women I know who are independent and committed enough to their careers to achieve high salaries like you have achieved were not happy staying home with their kids. Myself included. And we all took 1 year of paid leave with each of our 2-3 kids. So we know!

You may be different. But be sure before you step off the career track. You will likely never be able to step back on at the same place if you take a substantial amount of time off! Some women make that choice and never look back. But others make that choice and then, when their kids are 5 and in school, realize that they made an irretrievable sacricife in their career and personal satisfaction.
 

NakedFinger

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Thank you everyone for their replies. It really helps to see how others do it, and helps to see others do it the same way as my husband and I do. Makes me feel like we're not weird :)

I should clarify a few points....we do still consider our money, "our" money. My bonus will go to house stuff, he's paying for our entire home addition cash, we'll each contribute to vacations. I think its more of a "dont ask dont tell" mentality with the play stuff. Like someone else said, we dont want to know. He knows I love shoes, and I don't hide that I buy them, but I think he just cares not to know just how much they really are. Haha.

Everyone's suggestions about being the one that handles the bills sounds like a great idea. My husband currently pays the home related bills through our joint account (which is what we transfer money for the bills only to) So mortgage, cable, etc. He pays his own cell phone/credit card/care insurance, etc on his own, as do I. I do agree that being the one to take charge of that would definitely help if I were to stop working.

I also will clarify that I already had my son. He is actually 11 months old already. Our situation is that in my line of work, I work weekends, Saturdays and Sundays. When I went back to work from maternity leave, I changed to a 4 day work week. Because I work the weekend, my days off are during the week. So I actually only work two weekdays, which are the only days I need someone to watch him. Other than that, I am home with him 3 days during the week, and my husband gets daddy time Sat/Sun. The two days during the week that we both work, either my husband watches him (he owns his own business, so can change hours), or my sister will, and it has worked out very well since for a long time I was dead set against daycare and was able to have family watch him. But now my sister is moving out of state, and I have to decide what to do fast.

So even though I do feel that being home with him is the best, and no amount of money should replace the time I spend with him, he gets mommy/daddy for all but two days. If it was a matter of putting him in daycare for 5 days, and having to pay for 5 days, then I would def stay home because it wouldn't be worth it. But I think that our situation is a good one, and that I need to just get over the day care thing, and still work. I go back and fourth about it, and should I decide to stay home, wanted to see how people handle finances when its joint (like someone said, the idea of using money he gave me to buy his own xmas gift seems so weird, lol). Everyone is so insightful and gave great advice. Such a knowledgeable and helpful bunch on PS! Thanks!
 

dreamer_dachsie

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Another idea: If you stay home, ask him to pay you each month for your work ;-) A nanny would cost x amount. You should "earn" the same. Then you will have play money.

But all this is silly dancing around finances. Just pool it and learn to live a communal economic life.
 

Circe

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TC1987|1372120791|3471692 said:
read http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/the-exchange/done-baby-boomer-reveal-deepest-financial-regrets-225707221.html

I recommend getting a nanny and not giving up your career to stay home with children fulltime. Perhaps scale back the hours but I would not give up a lucrative career to be some homemaker. Never in 300 years. Never. Too much of a step down. My mother worked as a teacher and we only had partJun-Jul-partAug with a fulltime homemaker at home. And we didn't need one, either. Motherhood is a thankless job, and one should not give up one's entire identity and career just to do motherhood. Homemakers often delude themselves that their kids need them more than those kids actually do. Whatever you do, definitely don't martyr yourself to do homemaker stuff. You will totally lose the respect of kids and spouse if you do. A lot of that role, the other members of the household can and should do for themselves.

This is surprisingly insulting to a broad spectrum of women - mothers in general, SAHMs, nannies, the works. Don't generalize from your anecdotal experience.

One of the reasons that traditionally "female" tasks tend to be devalued is because of this idea that they're worthless, don't require any skill, anybody could do them. So women are either expected to perform this for free as mothers (and I don't just mean the at-home stuff: I also mean all of the community volunteerism which keeps the system functioning, from PTA on out) or they're expected to perform it for peanuts. Call me crazy, but I think somebody watching my kid should be earning more than minimum wage. I'm a lot more concerned with their skill level than I would be with just about any other profession.

And so it becomes a vicious circle: because traditionally female tasks are seen as worthless, women themselves become tarred with that same brush, and then carry its stigma out to professions in the broader spectrum. Did you know that until women took over the professions of secretary and teacher, they used to be considered higher-skill, and be recompensed at an appropriately higher level?

At any rate. For some people, there's a lot of pleasure and fulfillment to be found in devoting their time to their children - not necessarily for the rest of their lives, but frequently when their kids are young. It definitely carries a professional penalty, but, a) sometimes it's worth it, and, b) that's a problem with the system, not with the individual women who make that decision for themselves.

NakedFinger, could I ask ... are you planning for a distant future, or are you at that kind of cross-roads where maternity leave is almost up, or ...? Are you thinking of quitting altogether, or maybe going freelance part time?

My situation is pretty close to the one you outlined initially: as a professor in the humanities, I made a fraction of what my husband did. So, when his company transferred him the week I found out I was pregnant, I gave up a tenure-track job. I now earn a smaller fraction of his income teaching part-time, and take care of our son the rest of the time. Once he and potential future siblings are in school, I'll return to full-time, but for now, it's worth it. I think one reason it was so doable for us is that my husband is very much an each-according-to-his-needs, each-according-to-her-means type. He absolutely regards all the household money and labor as being communal: it's just a question of who's doing what at any given time. In fact, it took him a while to convert me. Initially, I wanted a pre-nup so it wouldn't ever appear that I was taking advantage of him, felt guilty about earning less, the whole shebang ... now, I'm just glad to have had this model of fiscal sanity to emulate! We have joint everythings - bank account, cards, the works - and while we'll discuss bigger purchases with one another, that's less because of money and more because we both want input into new furniture and the like. I think it's doable, so long as you guys talk everything through. Maybe some preemptive couples counseling, just to cover all the issues, even the ones that might not occur to you right now?
 

distracts

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5,977
Circe|1372191201|3472198 said:
TC1987|1372120791|3471692 said:
read http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/the-exchange/done-baby-boomer-reveal-deepest-financial-regrets-225707221.html

I recommend getting a nanny and not giving up your career to stay home with children fulltime. Perhaps scale back the hours but I would not give up a lucrative career to be some homemaker. Never in 300 years. Never. Too much of a step down. My mother worked as a teacher and we only had partJun-Jul-partAug with a fulltime homemaker at home. And we didn't need one, either. Motherhood is a thankless job, and one should not give up one's entire identity and career just to do motherhood. Homemakers often delude themselves that their kids need them more than those kids actually do. Whatever you do, definitely don't martyr yourself to do homemaker stuff. You will totally lose the respect of kids and spouse if you do. A lot of that role, the other members of the household can and should do for themselves.

This is surprisingly insulting to a broad spectrum of women - mothers in general, SAHMs, nannies, the works. Don't generalize from your anecdotal experience.

One of the reasons that traditionally "female" tasks tend to be devalued is because of this idea that they're worthless, don't require any skill, anybody could do them. So women are either expected to perform this for free as mothers (and I don't just mean the at-home stuff: I also mean all of the community volunteerism which keeps the system functioning, from PTA on out) or they're expected to perform it for peanuts. Call me crazy, but I think somebody watching my kid should be earning more than minimum wage. I'm a lot more concerned with their skill level than I would be with just about any other profession.

And so it becomes a vicious circle: because traditionally female tasks are seen as worthless, women themselves become tarred with that same brush, and then carry its stigma out to professions in the broader spectrum. Did you know that until women took over the professions of secretary and teacher, they used to be considered higher-skill, and be recompensed at an appropriately higher level?

At any rate. For some people, there's a lot of pleasure and fulfillment to be found in devoting their time to their children - not necessarily for the rest of their lives, but frequently when their kids are young. It definitely carries a professional penalty, but, a) sometimes it's worth it, and, b) that's a problem with the system, not with the individual women who make that decision for themselves.

NakedFinger, could I ask ... are you planning for a distant future, or are you at that kind of cross-roads where maternity leave is almost up, or ...? Are you thinking of quitting altogether, or maybe going freelance part time?

My situation is pretty close to the one you outlined initially: as a professor in the humanities, I made a fraction of what my husband did. So, when his company transferred him the week I found out I was pregnant, I gave up a tenure-track job. I now earn a smaller fraction of his income teaching part-time, and take care of our son the rest of the time. Once he and potential future siblings are in school, I'll return to full-time, but for now, it's worth it. I think one reason it was so doable for us is that my husband is very much an each-according-to-his-needs, each-according-to-her-means type. He absolutely regards all the household money and labor as being communal: it's just a question of who's doing what at any given time. In fact, it took him a while to convert me. Initially, I wanted a pre-nup so it wouldn't ever appear that I was taking advantage of him, felt guilty about earning less, the whole shebang ... now, I'm just glad to have had this model of fiscal sanity to emulate! We have joint everythings - bank account, cards, the works - and while we'll discuss bigger purchases with one another, that's less because of money and more because we both want input into new furniture and the like. I think it's doable, so long as you guys talk everything through. Maybe some preemptive couples counseling, just to cover all the issues, even the ones that might not occur to you right now?

What Circe said.
 

february2003bride

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
3,546
If your son is only with a nanny/day care provider two days out of the week, and you make such good money, I wouldn't quit. I have friends who are reentering the work force and they are FLOORED at how behind they are in their careers. Just last week a friend was telling me that she knew her career would take a hit. But she had no idea that no one would consider her because she was "out of commission" for 4 years. She doesn't regret staying home, but she said if she had realized how much of a back slide it would bring, she would have thought twice.

Just another element to consider.
 

MichelleCarmen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 8, 2003
Messages
15,880
NakedFinger|1372188657|3472171 said:
I also will clarify that I already had my son. He is actually 11 months old already. Our situation is that in my line of work, I work weekends, Saturdays and Sundays. When I went back to work from maternity leave, I changed to a 4 day work week. Because I work the weekend, my days off are during the week. So I actually only work two weekdays, which are the only days I need someone to watch him. Other than that, I am home with him 3 days during the week, and my husband gets daddy time Sat/Sun. The two days during the week that we both work, either my husband watches him (he owns his own business, so can change hours), or my sister will, and it has worked out very well since for a long time I was dead set against daycare and was able to have family watch him. But now my sister is moving out of state, and I have to decide what to do fast.

The current set-up you have sounds like a perfect balance between motherhood/working mom. If I were you, I'd find someone to watch your son those two days and keep things as is! You'll still have your income, adult interaction and time with your son. It's a win-win.
 

sonnyjane

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 13, 2008
Messages
2,476
I agree with Feb03bride and MC. The fact that there are only 2 days a week that he isn't with one of you is, pardon the bluntness... freaking amazing lol. If you and your husband can each make six figures and spend 5 out of 7 days with your son, that's a really, REALLY nice situation. I know around here (SoCal) it is hard to find childcare for just a few days a week. Well, you can find it, but you still have to pay the price for 5 days a week even if you only show up 2 times. Hopefully you can find something more reasonable.
 

aviastar

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 5, 2010
Messages
1,190
distracts|1372194114|3472218 said:
Circe|1372191201|3472198 said:
TC1987|1372120791|3471692 said:
read http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/the-exchange/done-baby-boomer-reveal-deepest-financial-regrets-225707221.html

I recommend getting a nanny and not giving up your career to stay home with children fulltime. Perhaps scale back the hours but I would not give up a lucrative career to be some homemaker. Never in 300 years. Never. Too much of a step down. My mother worked as a teacher and we only had partJun-Jul-partAug with a fulltime homemaker at home. And we didn't need one, either. Motherhood is a thankless job, and one should not give up one's entire identity and career just to do motherhood. Homemakers often delude themselves that their kids need them more than those kids actually do. Whatever you do, definitely don't martyr yourself to do homemaker stuff. You will totally lose the respect of kids and spouse if you do. A lot of that role, the other members of the household can and should do for themselves.

This is surprisingly insulting to a broad spectrum of women - mothers in general, SAHMs, nannies, the works. Don't generalize from your anecdotal experience.

One of the reasons that traditionally "female" tasks tend to be devalued is because of this idea that they're worthless, don't require any skill, anybody could do them. So women are either expected to perform this for free as mothers (and I don't just mean the at-home stuff: I also mean all of the community volunteerism which keeps the system functioning, from PTA on out) or they're expected to perform it for peanuts. Call me crazy, but I think somebody watching my kid should be earning more than minimum wage. I'm a lot more concerned with their skill level than I would be with just about any other profession.

And so it becomes a vicious circle: because traditionally female tasks are seen as worthless, women themselves become tarred with that same brush, and then carry its stigma out to professions in the broader spectrum. Did you know that until women took over the professions of secretary and teacher, they used to be considered higher-skill, and be recompensed at an appropriately higher level?

At any rate. For some people, there's a lot of pleasure and fulfillment to be found in devoting their time to their children - not necessarily for the rest of their lives, but frequently when their kids are young. It definitely carries a professional penalty, but, a) sometimes it's worth it, and, b) that's a problem with the system, not with the individual women who make that decision for themselves.

NakedFinger, could I ask ... are you planning for a distant future, or are you at that kind of cross-roads where maternity leave is almost up, or ...? Are you thinking of quitting altogether, or maybe going freelance part time?

My situation is pretty close to the one you outlined initially: as a professor in the humanities, I made a fraction of what my husband did. So, when his company transferred him the week I found out I was pregnant, I gave up a tenure-track job. I now earn a smaller fraction of his income teaching part-time, and take care of our son the rest of the time. Once he and potential future siblings are in school, I'll return to full-time, but for now, it's worth it. I think one reason it was so doable for us is that my husband is very much an each-according-to-his-needs, each-according-to-her-means type. He absolutely regards all the household money and labor as being communal: it's just a question of who's doing what at any given time. In fact, it took him a while to convert me. Initially, I wanted a pre-nup so it wouldn't ever appear that I was taking advantage of him, felt guilty about earning less, the whole shebang ... now, I'm just glad to have had this model of fiscal sanity to emulate! We have joint everythings - bank account, cards, the works - and while we'll discuss bigger purchases with one another, that's less because of money and more because we both want input into new furniture and the like. I think it's doable, so long as you guys talk everything through. Maybe some preemptive couples counseling, just to cover all the issues, even the ones that might not occur to you right now?

What Circe said.

Yup. Tried to figure out how to respond here- not to worry, Circe did it and better than I could have to boot.
 

04diamond<3

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 31, 2007
Messages
3,669
Circe|1372191201|3472198 said:
TC1987|1372120791|3471692 said:
read http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/the-exchange/done-baby-boomer-reveal-deepest-financial-regrets-225707221.html

I recommend getting a nanny and not giving up your career to stay home with children fulltime. Perhaps scale back the hours but I would not give up a lucrative career to be some homemaker. Never in 300 years. Never. Too much of a step down. My mother worked as a teacher and we only had partJun-Jul-partAug with a fulltime homemaker at home. And we didn't need one, either. Motherhood is a thankless job, and one should not give up one's entire identity and career just to do motherhood. Homemakers often delude themselves that their kids need them more than those kids actually do. Whatever you do, definitely don't martyr yourself to do homemaker stuff. You will totally lose the respect of kids and spouse if you do. A lot of that role, the other members of the household can and should do for themselves.

This is surprisingly insulting to a broad spectrum of women - mothers in general, SAHMs, nannies, the works. Don't generalize from your anecdotal experience.

One of the reasons that traditionally "female" tasks tend to be devalued is because of this idea that they're worthless, don't require any skill, anybody could do them. So women are either expected to perform this for free as mothers (and I don't just mean the at-home stuff: I also mean all of the community volunteerism which keeps the system functioning, from PTA on out) or they're expected to perform it for peanuts. Call me crazy, but I think somebody watching my kid should be earning more than minimum wage. I'm a lot more concerned with their skill level than I would be with just about any other profession.

And so it becomes a vicious circle: because traditionally female tasks are seen as worthless, women themselves become tarred with that same brush, and then carry its stigma out to professions in the broader spectrum. Did you know that until women took over the professions of secretary and teacher, they used to be considered higher-skill, and be recompensed at an appropriately higher level?

At any rate. For some people, there's a lot of pleasure and fulfillment to be found in devoting their time to their children - not necessarily for the rest of their lives, but frequently when their kids are young. It definitely carries a professional penalty, but, a) sometimes it's worth it, and, b) that's a problem with the system, not with the individual women who make that decision for themselves.

Completely agree. What a rude, rude and RUDE thing to say! But I won't say anymore and agree with how circe put it.
 

MichelleCarmen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 8, 2003
Messages
15,880
TC1987|1372120791|3471692 said:
read http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/the-exchange/done-baby-boomer-reveal-deepest-financial-regrets-225707221.html

I recommend getting a nanny and not giving up your career to stay home with children fulltime. Perhaps scale back the hours but I would not give up a lucrative career to be some homemaker. Never in 300 years. Never. Too much of a step down. My mother worked as a teacher and we only had partJun-Jul-partAug with a fulltime homemaker at home. And we didn't need one, either. Motherhood is a thankless job, and one should not give up one's entire identity and career just to do motherhood. Homemakers often delude themselves that their kids need them more than those kids actually do. Whatever you do, definitely don't martyr yourself to do homemaker stuff. You will totally lose the respect of kids and spouse if you do. A lot of that role, the other members of the household can and should do for themselves.

Do you even have any kids?
 

amc80

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
5,765
TC1987|1372120791|3471692 said:
read http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/the-exchange/done-baby-boomer-reveal-deepest-financial-regrets-225707221.html

I recommend getting a nanny and not giving up your career to stay home with children fulltime. Perhaps scale back the hours but I would not give up a lucrative career to be some homemaker. Never in 300 years. Never. Too much of a step down. My mother worked as a teacher and we only had partJun-Jul-partAug with a fulltime homemaker at home. And we didn't need one, either. Motherhood is a thankless job, and one should not give up one's entire identity and career just to do motherhood. Homemakers often delude themselves that their kids need them more than those kids actually do. Whatever you do, definitely don't martyr yourself to do homemaker stuff. You will totally lose the respect of kids and spouse if you do. A lot of that role, the other members of the household can and should do for themselves.

I'm not sure what to say here. I would love to be a SAHM. I'd do it in a second if I could. I can't imagine ever regretting that I spent time raising my child. Would I miss my career? Maybe, but not more than I'd miss the opportunity to be with my baby. This post is basically saying that mothers don't matter and aren't needed. I can't think of anything further from the truth. My baby is only 10 months and already wants to be around me more than anyone else. He knows me and knows I'm his mom. That's not something that can ever be replaced by hired help. If someone's identity is completely tied to their career they probably shouldn't let children get in the way. Just my opinion. Motherhood isn't thankless. Sure, a kid may not thank you for making dinner or doing laundry, but when they smile when the see you or want you and only you when they are hurt or sick, that's all the thanks I need.
 
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