Tips for asking her parents/father's blessing?

[jmarshall]

So first of all, should I ask both her parents or just her father? She is really close, so I think I should ask both parents.... My question is, and I am assuming that I should, is should I ask both of them together at the same time??

Also, any tips on how to go about it?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Yes, both parents at the same time. Our son-in-law asked us to lunch (and of course we immediately knew) and he basically said, "I wanted to talk to you today because I love your daughter and want to ask her to marry me, if that would be okay with you." We said that would be great! We talked a little more about when he was thinking about getting married (like in a few months or few years was what I wanted to know) but he did NOT tell us when he would be asking her. That was a total surprise! He even invited us to the event where he proposed and my husband didn't even come because we thought it was just a work thing he was having at his office! It turned out that it was, but at the end of his presentation, he did the proposal! So let me tell you, he pulled off a big surprise!

So both parents absolutely. But do not give away that you are proposing soon. Tell them you hope to propose by the end of the year!!!

 

[jmarshall]

Anyone else?

 

[sonnyjane]

Anyone else?

Sorry I can't be of help. My husband and I "skipped" that step. I'm not saying that it's not a wonderful and respectful thing to do, just that it's a tradition that seems to be less popular than it used to be. I would agree that you should just take them both out to lunch at the same time and let them know that you'd like to propose to their daughter. Do you already have a good relationship with them?

 

[jmarshall]

Very much so. I'm going fishing with her dad in the morning.

 

[Niel]

I'm actually going to disagree with the "ask them both" part. If you do they'll be nice too, but I think it would be nice for you to tell her dad but give her the chance to surprise her mom. Like, ask her dad to keep it between you two. I think I would have been sad if I couldn't tell my mom for the first time.

 

[sonnyjane]

Very much so. I'm going fishing with her dad in the morning.

Good, then it should really just be more of a formality - not necessarily asking for permission, just informing them of your decision.

I'd also be sure to propose pretty shortly after this conversation in case someone makes a slip...

 

[jmarshall]

That slip is what concerns me about doing it too soon, or trying to fool them on when it would be.

 

[jmarshall]

Niel, I can see that viewpoint as well, but I'm pretty close with her mom too.... Her mom has been very close with me and very appreciative of the changes she has seen in her daughter. We have been shopping together, I stop by there house to talk fishing with her dad, help him around the house, etc. this is really just a formality, as I know that I have their blessing, but I'm still kind of nervous about it. One of the reasons I am asking when I already know the answer is out of respect for tradition.... The other is that I have always dreamed of this moment.

 

[Niel]

Niel, I can see that viewpoint as well, but I'm pretty close with her mom too.... Her mom has been very close with me and very appreciative of the changes she has seen in her daughter. We have been shopping together, I stop by there house to talk fishing with her dad, help him around the house, etc. this is really just a formality, as I know that I have their blessing, but I'm still kind of nervous about it. One of the reasons I am asking when I already know the answer is out of respect for tradition.... The other is that I have always dreamed of this moment.

OK. Well just please think about not telling her mom at least. No reason to include her mother if youre doing it specifically for tradition sake. If you truly consider where the tradition comes from, it did not need to involve the mother. And I'm sure she would understand afterwards if you explained you wanted to give your FI the chance to tell her. I get YOU may want to share the news with her mother, but just consider that you might be stealing a moment from your future FI and her mother by doing so. Just think about it.


Are you sure she wants you to? Some woman do find the idea sexist... I'm sure you've thought of this, but just saying.

 

[mrs jam]

It's awesome that you are honoring this tradition! While of course you don't need anyone's "permission" to marry (duh), some traditions are just simply beautiful. I know it meant a lot to my dad that my husband asked for his blessing before he proposed to me, and I loved hearing the story afterward about how choked up my dad got. I know Dad enjoyed giving his fatherly speech about breaking my husband's legs if he hurt me, lol. To me, it's just part of "guy code" that you speak to the parents before the proposal. If some chick thinks that's sexist, she may have some issues that may need to be further explored.

As far as speaking with both parents or just the father, I think you should go with whatever feels right for you.

 

[madelise]

The other is that I have always dreamed of this moment.

You have always dreamed of the moment of asking for her parents' blessings. DREAMED. Please don't get discouraged from others' opinions. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Go fishing with FFIL tomorrow. When you're dropping him off at home, help carry his things down to the house. Then ask them to sit down with you. I agree with DS that you should give them a further 'deadline', so they don't know it's coming so soon.

And asking for the parents' blessing is not sexist in the least. You're not asking for permission, you're asking for their blessing.

I agree with Mrs. Jam that if someone finds this sexist, they have other issues. It sounds like you know your girlfriend well enough to know that she obviously doesn't find this sexist.

In fact, devil's advocate here, excluding future mum might be the sexist act

 

[Smith1942]

It's nice that you want to ask them both and that all of you have such a close relationship. If you've dreamed of asking the blessing of both parents, then do it that way. You only get one shot at this. Best of luck!

General remarks on the points others have touched on: It's interesting that in America this is referred to as asking the parents' blessing. In England, it's very much referred to as "asking her father's permission." At least, it is among upper/midde-class Christian conservatives. (When I say Christian, hardly anyone in England goes to church every Sunday but a huge swathe of a certain social class still have country church weddings for which they bring out the morning suits and top hats, and all their babies are christened in a country church, too.)

Only the father is asked, and it's specifically permission, not blessing. In the interview that Prince William and Kate Middleton gave on TV the night they were engaged, which is on YouTube, William talks about when he went to ask her dad's permission, and then he asked Kate, and Kate didn't know if her mother knew or not as only the dad's permission is asked.

I've always thought asking the dad's permission is sexist in this day and age. My husband didn't ask my dad's permission, which also seemed disrespectful to my family. However, if he had done, I would have railed at being treated like a chattel. So basically my poor husband couldn't win that one!

Anyway, following on from the subject of this permission custom, a church wedding in England is also traditional and very sexist. I've been to a few weddings in America now and I can't believe how different they are. The Church of England service is all about "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" and the father says "I do" then literally hands her over to the husband by taking her hand and passing it to her fiance. The father then stands back and sits down. And don't get me started on the version of the Church of England marriage service where the woman has to promise to obey her husband but the husband doesn't have to say it. Then there's the stuff about "With my body I honour you" at which point the entire congregation tries desperately hard not to think about the couple naked and shagging, and then there's the part where the vicar wishes for their union to be blessed with lots of screaming ankle-biters, which not everyone wants in this day and age.

I'm coming out in hives just thinking about it. Personally, I would have got married in a black satin halter-neck gown with elbow-length black gloves and a bunch of cream roses, at sunset in a haunted castle with bridesmaids dressed in red satin and black velvet cloaks...but...erm...that wasn't going to fly in my community. And my husband went to a cathedral school and wanted a religious service, so it was Conservative Hell all the way.

Sorry for the threadjack. Just the issue of blessings versus permission got me thinking.

 

[Rhea]

Smith1942, it's basically the same in the US as what you described. The slight changes and differences you've named are recent changes which have become more popular as they appear to be more modern and less sexist. So now we have asking both parents for their blessing. Though it still happens both ways depending on the couple and their families.

 

[SB621]

I'm coming out in hives just thinking about it. Personally, I would have got married in a black satin halter-neck gown with elbow-length black gloves and a bunch of cream roses, at sunset in a haunted castle with bridesmaids dressed in red satin and black velvet cloaks...but...erm...that wasn't going to fly in my community. And my husband went to a cathedral school and wanted a religious service, so it was Conservative Hell all the way.

Sorry for the threadjack. Just the issue of blessings versus permission got me thinking.

That sounds amazing!!! Sarah Jessica Parker did something very close to this!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Jim, I will say that if it is the tradition where you are to only ask the father, then I guess that is fine. But I would have been kind of sad if I hadn't been included. I am still very traditional, though.

 

[Niel]

The other is that I have always dreamed of this moment.

You have always dreamed of the moment of asking for her parents' blessings. DREAMED. Please don't get discouraged from others' opinions. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Go fishing with FFIL tomorrow. When you're dropping him off at home, help carry his things down to the house. Then ask them to sit down with you. I agree with DS that you should give them a further 'deadline', so they don't know it's coming so soon.

And asking for the parents' blessing is not sexist in the least. You're not asking for permission, you're asking for their blessing.

I agree with Mrs. Jam that if someone finds this sexist, they have other issues. It sounds like you know your girlfriend well enough to know that she obviously doesn't find this sexist.

In fact, devil's advocate here, excluding future mum might be the sexist act

The tradition of asking the father for his daughters hand is essentially asking if the father is willing to trade his property for your. The woman was deemed as a commodity that the father was able to trade to the best prospect. Just do some googling and you'll get a good idea. Some people find it very romantic-regardless of original meaning,, I was just saying, many woman, including myself, find it sexist and not romantic. Its not my father's say as to who I am allowed to marry......


But you know your lady best! If she would find it sweet then I'd do it.

Bit again, I'm not saying don't ask her mom, but you asking her dad would be most in keeping with tradition, and its a really sweet secret between you and your FFIL.

 

[madelise]

I find it upsetting that this very in-love, very excited man comes to our boards and asks for tips, but instead gets his intentions called sexist and is discouraged from doing what he has been dreaming of doing.

 

[Niel]

I find it upsetting that this very in-love, very excited man comes to our boards and asks for tips, but instead gets his intentions called sexist and is discouraged from doing what he has been dreaming of doing.

Even in saying it is sexist, I do believe I said of it fits his GF and his relationship, than he should do it. But like any public forum, if you ask for other peoples input, you might get more information than you initially expected. If you don't want that, you can always Google the question. Lots of topics online about this already, and that way you won't get the pesky feminist perspective.


I do think she would be very happy to know how much thought you put into every facet of this proposal.

 

[partgypsy]

The other is that I have always dreamed of this moment.

You have always dreamed of the moment of asking for her parents' blessings. DREAMED. Please don't get discouraged from others' opinions. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Go fishing with FFIL tomorrow. When you're dropping him off at home, help carry his things down to the house. Then ask them to sit down with you. I agree with DS that you should give them a further 'deadline', so they don't know it's coming so soon.

And asking for the parents' blessing is not sexist in the least. You're not asking for permission, you're asking for their blessing.

I agree with Mrs. Jam that if someone finds this sexist, they have other issues. It sounds like you know your girlfriend well enough to know that she obviously doesn't find this sexist.

In fact, devil's advocate here, excluding future mum might be the sexist act

The tradition of asking the father for his daughters hand is essentially asking if the father is willing to trade his property for your. The woman was deemed as a commodity that the father was able to trade to the best prospect. Just do some googling and you'll get a good idea. Some people find it very romantic-regardless of original meaning,, I was just saying, many woman, including myself, find it sexist and not romantic. Its not my father's say as to who I am allowed to marry......


But you know your lady best! If she would find it sweet then I'd do it.

Bit again, I'm not saying don't ask her mom, but you asking her dad would be most in keeping with tradition, and its a really sweet secret between you and your FFIL.

Well if you do you research then you will also see that engagement rings were a way to protect a woman from engaging in "relations" after a man asks her to marry, and then backing out of the marriage. It was basically a way to protect virginity. But I don't see a lot of people around here being against engagement rings

 

[Niel]

The other is that I have always dreamed of this moment.

You have always dreamed of the moment of asking for her parents' blessings. DREAMED. Please don't get discouraged from others' opinions. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Go fishing with FFIL tomorrow. When you're dropping him off at home, help carry his things down to the house. Then ask them to sit down with you. I agree with DS that you should give them a further 'deadline', so they don't know it's coming so soon.

And asking for the parents' blessing is not sexist in the least. You're not asking for permission, you're asking for their blessing.

I agree with Mrs. Jam that if someone finds this sexist, they have other issues. It sounds like you know your girlfriend well enough to know that she obviously doesn't find this sexist.

In fact, devil's advocate here, excluding future mum might be the sexist act

The tradition of asking the father for his daughters hand is essentially asking if the father is willing to trade his property for your. The woman was deemed as a commodity that the father was able to trade to the best prospect. Just do some googling and you'll get a good idea. Some people find it very romantic-regardless of original meaning,, I was just saying, many woman, including myself, find it sexist and not romantic. Its not my father's say as to who I am allowed to marry......


But you know your lady best! If she would find it sweet then I'd do it.

Bit again, I'm not saying don't ask her mom, but you asking her dad would be most in keeping with tradition, and its a really sweet secret between you and your FFIL.

Well if you do you research then you will also see that engagement rings were a way to protect a woman from engaging in "relations" after a man asks her to marry, and then backing out of the marriage. It was basically a way to protect virginity. But I don't see a lot of people around here being against engagement rings

Very true. Wedding/engagement rings traditions were a bit sexist too....but I just don't care my more die hard feminist friends are....
And plus, clearly they have talked about engagement rings, and he already knows she's OK with this, I was originally just commenting on if he knows she is OK with asking for her hand.

 

[madelise]

Yes, this is "the Internet", but I've stayed a member on PS because it's a safe environment here with support. This isn't Yahoo questions and answers. I'm just in shock that you can be so unsupportive, and IMO, rude. This positive thread turned negative, and it shouldn't have.

 

[Niel]

Yes, this is "the Internet", but I've stayed a member on PS because it's a safe environment here with support. This isn't Yahoo questions and answers. I'm just in shock that you can be so unsupportive, and IMO, rude. This positive thread turned negative, and it shouldn't have.

If you would read my posts, ive actually been supportive as long its something he knows is her cup of tea. All i did was say some women dont like it, and to maybe take a second to think about it before he does it, and who of her parents he asks, exactly... I think thats helpful advise, and more so than just being a "yes man".

 

[Ally T]

All conflict above aside, I think it is VERY romantic & sweet to ask for her parents blessing. I am from a non-religious family, but I still enjoy hearing the story of how my elder sister's husband asked for my parents blessing (together) to marry their eldest child even though it was a given. It was a nice touch. By the time it came to my turn we had very tragically lost my precious dad, but my then boyfriend still cornered my mum on Christmas Eve to tell her how much he loved me & that he was going to propose in the morning. My mum absolutely LOVED this as it showed that he respected her even though it was irrelevant at the end of the day - he was going to ask anyway. She treasures my husband & I think it brought them onto an even level because of his respect

 

[Circe]

I think Neil raised an excellent point, in a respectful manner, and fully in the spirit of PriceScope ... to help enthusiastic about-to-be-engaged people think about the various aspects of how an engagement can go. If we're willing to gently point out the drawbacks of EGL, or suggest that maybe some ladies like to be in on choosing their wedding bands, I think this is fair game.

BTW, I would have been peeved. But, then, so would my dad - he's the one who raised me to be this way (and for whom, Woody-Allen-lookalike-contest-winner that he is, I purchased a shirt with the motto, "this is what a feminist looks like"). JMarshall, you know your lady and her family best: if you know they're in favor of the tradition, do it! I think respectfully informing both parents together of your intentions is a lovely way to get past some of the sexist baggage behind the tradition.

P.S. - Mrs. Jam, in the last week, you've called PSrs "a bunch of pussies," told a member to "put on her big girl panties," and written off anybody who might object to a tradition on the basis of a sexist foundation as a "chick with issues." You might be in a glass house on that last one, at least as regards other chicks, is all I'm saying.

 

[Jennifer W]

Circe, I'd go further than peeved. Honestly, I would have to decline any proposal of a life together where I wasn't the first person to hear, or at least to be asked about it.

So, there are clearly various opinions on this topic. That's fine - obviously, they're all good, but unless you know for sure how your intended fiancee feels about this particular tradition on this one, my genuinely well-intentioned tip would be to find out in advance. I don't know her or you, and maybe this approach is perfect for both of you (if it is, then that's fantastic, and I hope you enjoy the moment, and remember it forever). If you have any doubt though, I'd play it safe.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck with your proposal, and joy together.

 

[jmarshall]

I find it upsetting that this very in-love, very excited man comes to our boards and asks for tips, but instead gets his intentions called sexist and is discouraged from doing what he has been dreaming of doing.

Not that big of a deal. I'm a big boy, and used to taking crap. I asked for opinions, that is exactly what I am getting.

I do think she would be very happy to know how much thought you put into every facet of this proposal.

I don't think she would expect any less. I am a quick thinker, and good at making decisions on my feet, but if I have the opportunity to research and plan something, I research and plan like no other.

Circe, I'd go further than peeved. Honestly, I would have to decline any proposal of a life together where I wasn't the first person to hear, or at least to be asked about it.

So what about a situation where your SO had consulted with you about marriage in the past, and that you had both agreed that that is what you wanted.... but you weren't the first to know of the actual proposal?????

 

[mrs jam]

I find it upsetting that this very in-love, very excited man comes to our boards and asks for tips, but instead gets his intentions called sexist and is discouraged from doing what he has been dreaming of doing.

Not that big of a deal. I'm a big boy, and used to taking crap. I asked for opinions, that is exactly what I am getting.

I do think she would be very happy to know how much thought you put into every facet of this proposal.

I don't think she would expect any less. I am a quick thinker, and good at making decisions on my feet, but if I have the opportunity to research and plan something, I research and plan like no other.

Circe, I'd go further than peeved. Honestly, I would have to decline any proposal of a life together where I wasn't the first person to hear, or at least to be asked about it.

So what about a situation where your SO had consulted with you about marriage in the past, and that you had both agreed that that is what you wanted.... but you weren't the first to know of the actual proposal?????

Jmarshall, my best advice is to take the advice here with a grain of salt. Some prolific posters here go out of their way to express their anti-male views on a lot of topics and probably don't shave their armpits.

 

[Circe]

Ooo, vitriol!

I ignore the ignore function largely because I'm not a coward, I suppose - and because it tends to throw off the logic of a thread when other people respond to a comment you can't see. As for the rest ... I think there's a difference between style and content. Stylistic critiques can be dismissed as subjective: poor reasoning skills, on the other hand, provide an awesome target. It's not the ladies who make their own decisions who have the issues: not about engagements, nor, for that matter, their choice of undergarments. I've resisted the urge to derail thus far, too ... but that was just a little too funny. At any rate - JMarshall, apologies for having succumbed to temptation, and to get back to the topic at hand ....

... though I'm not Jen, on the topic of how one might react to a prospective partner asking parental permission, I really do think you know better than anybody here. If your lady is non-traditional, on some level, you know. If you have any doubts, why not angle a conversation around to the topic when you guys are talking about a related issue and see if she has any strong feelings? Sure, it might be a little hint, but if you're already talked about marriage, you're got nothing to lose.

 

[Jennifer W]

I find it upsetting that this very in-love, very excited man comes to our boards and asks for tips, but instead gets his intentions called sexist and is discouraged from doing what he has been dreaming of doing.

Not that big of a deal. I'm a big boy, and used to taking crap. I asked for opinions, that is exactly what I am getting.

I do think she would be very happy to know how much thought you put into every facet of this proposal.

I don't think she would expect any less. I am a quick thinker, and good at making decisions on my feet, but if I have the opportunity to research and plan something, I research and plan like no other.

Circe, I'd go further than peeved. Honestly, I would have to decline any proposal of a life together where I wasn't the first person to hear, or at least to be asked about it.

So what about a situation where your SO had consulted with you about marriage in the past, and that you had both agreed that that is what you wanted.... but you weren't the first to know of the actual proposal?????

Well, I personally wouldn't be thrilled, to be honest. It just isn't something that I'd be comfortable with. I'm a control freak, and I like to be right at the very centre of my own life, with no surprises along the way. I wouldn't be pleased to know that any aspect of this very significant decision was discussed when I wasn't there. (Not at all important, since I'm not the one you're hoping to marry, but just my immediate response to your question, without over-thinking it.)

If you are confident that your intended is going to be ok with this, and welcome it, no worries. If you aren't absolutely certain, or hadn't thought it could even be an issue, maybe some discrete digging around first would be a good idea. I hope it goes well, if you decide to do it - If I was doing this, I think I'd probably ask both parents, since you said they are close. I'd guess her father will speak to his wife, so she'll hear about it anyway - if you're worried about a slip, then maybe best you tell them both, and swear them both to absolute secrecy. Good luck!