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The question... and the answer.... :)

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perry

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Perhaps its my age, perhaps it''s my view on life, perhaps truth is stranger than fiction, and it it at least part of this memory bobbing arround my head this week:

Years ago the question a lot of gals would ask a guy before getting serious: If you get me pregnant will you marry me... Of course many guys did not give a totally truthful answer to that - and at lest some gals accepted a guy who said "no."

So imagine this real life experience:

Gal: If you get me pregnant will you marry me.

Myself initially: No - I don''t know you well enough.

Myself year + latter (same gal - and no we hadn''t) -and when we were cuddling and she ask the same question: Yes because I now know that we can live together and raise a child.

But I then asked her... And if I get you pregnant will you marry me...

To which she answered: No. You''re a great person but I wouln''t marry you if you got me pregnant.

Lets just say that the relationship went downhill after that...

Just currious what others think of the question (and I know that the younger generation will probably have much different views than my generation).

Perry
 

diamondfan

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That is tough one, until you are in the moment it is hard to really know how you will feel. It is one thing to discuss it when it is not happening, another to do so when it is theoretical. But honesty is the best policy I guess, so better to know where you stand. I would not want someone to marry me just because of a baby, but not sure I would want to have a baby alone. (I am not opposed to abortion though either). Really tough to know til you are in the situation...Funny though you know someone well enough to do the deed, but not marry them!!!
 

lyra

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I remember those stupid questions. We must be of a similar vintage. Or perhaps not. All I can say is I''m glad contraceptive choices and usage has come a long way over the years.
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~*Alexis*~

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I think alot of it is how you were raised. If you grew up in an old fashioned family then maybe they would ask that question...

now days...no one asks it...most people wouldn''t do it even if some one did ask....

But with that said....if you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to make an informed discision or at least accept whats the next to come...baby or no baby....std or no std....

Most people would never think to ask that question.
 

JulieN

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If I get pregnant and you won't marry me because you don't know me well enough, you don't know me well enough to have sex with me.

If I get pregnant and you would like to marry me, but won't because we are too young, or want to accomplish certain things before marriage, or you know we would not work out in the long run, that is ok with me.
 

robbie3982

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Younger generation here! I can honestly say that this question never crossed my mind. I think the question of my generation is more "If I get pregnant would we keep the baby, give it up for adoption or have an abortion?"

I guess for me at least baby doesn''t equal marriage, but for some people my age I''m sure it still does.
 

musey

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Huh! I've never thought to ask this question!

The only question I've asked relating to pregnancy is "If I got pregnant, would we have it?" (not to put myself in the line of fire, here...
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)

ETA: Just realized robbie said the same thing! I guess THAT is the pregnancy question of our generation
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princesss

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I''m going to have to thritto robbie and musey. "Would we have it? Would we keep it?" is definitely what comes to mind, not "Would you marry me?"
 

somethingshiny

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Well, I''m an old-fashioned girl, I think if you''re choosing to make THAT part of your relationship, you should already know that you''d marry or are already married. However, I know I''m one of the few who think this way. Most of my friends and siblings have stated the alternative question as Musey and the others did above.
 

Tacori E-ring

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ummm....I don''t think I ever asked a BF that before. I don''t think I even ever thought about it. I do remember thinking if I would keep a child if I got preggo at certain points in my life. Honestly I would never get married BECAUSE I got pregnant. Having a child is just not the reason IMHO. Obviously it does depend on the situation. Had I got preggo with DH''s child before we were married I am sure we would have still got married regardless. But that was the track we were on. I do know a few people that did rush into marriage (an unhappy one) b/c of a baby.
 

musey

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Date: 10/6/2007 10:26:17 PM
Author: somethingshiny
Well, I'm an old-fashioned girl, I think if you're choosing to make THAT part of your relationship, you should already know that you'd marry or are already married. However, I know I'm one of the few who think this way. Most of my friends and siblings have stated the alternative question as Musey and the others did above.
Here's my issue with that:

My FI is my "one and only" (you know what I mean
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) but I have, even as recently as two months ago, broached this subject with him. The jury is out on what decision we'd make (keeping or not keeping the baby). Just because I reserved sex for the person I planned to marry doesn't mean that I'm also ready to bear any children that may come into the equation.

We are 23 and almost 23, and absolutely not financially (or emotionally) ready to support a child. If we did become pregnant, having vs. not having would still be a difficult decision to make. It's made a little easier given that we are already close to being married, but it's not a slam-dunk decision JUST BECAUSE we know we'll be together for the long run.

Just saying, there are other factors. If you're saying one should reserve sex for when they are ready to have kids, that's a different story. But being sure about or ready for marriage does not equate readiness for children!


Sorry, a bit OT but I had to address that!
 

isaku5

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OK, here''s my story from 40+ years ago. My BF of three years and I were happily engaged on my 19th birthday. We were both only children and knew we were right for each other. We became "intimate" (sorry if it''s TMI) after the engagement and I soon became pregnant. Birth control was in its infancy then, and frankly we were naive.

There was no question in either of our minds as to what we would do; the pregnancy just speeded up the process. Needless to add, our parents were horrified as most 60''s parents would have been. Our DD was born a little over 6 months after the wedding, and our son 14 months later.

If we had it to do over, of course, we would have timed their arrival more carefully, but at the time, we thought we were doing well. Both our children are responsible, accomplished adults now each with a child of their own. The eight of us have just had our annual Thanksgiving get-together, and we all had a great time!!!!
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Luck of the draw? I don''t think so. We all did the best we could and DH and I couldn''t be happier or more proud than we were today
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Pandora II

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I think I did ask an ex of mine that question when I was about 18. The answer was not exactly what I wanted to hear!

If FI and I were to get pregnant now, it would be a very difficult decision. Mainly because I am on so many meds for my back that I am not allowed to try for children without consulting all 3 of my doctors and a geneticist (FI has a condition a bit like sickle cell). It would also be very difficult as we don''t have much space here!

Amongst most of my friends it has normally been a ''shall I have the baby'' discussion and not always involving the potential father.
 

perry

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Interesting responses. I''m not sure that anyone picked up so much on the double standard implied. I.e. No sex unless I agreed to marry if pregnancy resulted - but that she did not feel that she would need to marry me if pregnancy resulted.


I do note that the discussion these days does often resove arround "will or should I have the baby"; and I am glad that there are so many methods that are freely available for reproduction control.

Perry
 

Sha

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I agree with JulieN that if you don''t know the person well enough to marry them, then you don''t know well enough to have sex with them, either.

I think it''s putting the cart before the horse to be intimate with someone, and have no idea as to whether they''ll make a good long-term partner or not. It definitely creates a lot of stress and confusion when the woman gets pregnant unexpectedly. The man might think, "yes, I did have sex with you, but I really didn''t want you to be wife, or even the mother of my child!" And the woman might be equally upset to know she''s pregnant for a man she wouldn''t ever want to be the father of her child, much less her husband. Just too much confusion for me.
 

Aloros

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I think a lot has changed. Birth control is more effective nowadays, and if you''re careful, you probably shouldn''t have to ask this. I mean, if you''re on the pill, and you take it consistently and correctly there''s...what? Less than a one percent chance of getting pregnant (at least according to the instructions I''ve read). That''s pretty low. And if you combine that with another form of contraception, the chances of getting pregnant approach near-miraculous probabilities.

If, by some miracle, I got pregnant, I wouldn''t keep it (sorry to offend!). I''m not in a place in my life emotionally, mentally, or financially where I would want a baby and I don''t know if I ever will be in that position.

My ex asked me that question, and I answered honestly. It wasn''t an answer he liked, unfortuantely.
 

JulieN

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Date: 10/7/2007 9:21:23 AM
Author: perry
Interesting responses. I'm not sure that anyone picked up so much on the double standard implied. I.e. No sex unless I agreed to marry if pregnancy resulted - but that she did not feel that she would need to marry me if pregnancy resulted.


I do note that the discussion these days does often resove arround 'will or should I have the baby'; and I am glad that there are so many methods that are freely available for reproduction control.

Perry
Perry, it's no double standard because she is the one who is pregnant and will give birth, not the man.

In a no-abortion time, to make marriage a condition of sex if she gets pregnant is simply smart thinking. She has a child she has to take care of, and she needs the means to do it. She needs to devote years of her life to this child, which means little time for dating and finding another man to support her.

However, if she feels like she has financial and emotional resources to support herself and a child, perhaps without a man in her life for many years or she feels she's enough of a catch to land someone better than the father, more power to her.

If I asked this question, it is not because I fear abandonment or raising a child alone, and it would not be a test he had to pass in order to have sex. It is like asking, "will you marry me someday," or "do you think I'm suitable" without actually asking those heavy questions.
 

~*Alexis*~

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Date: 10/7/2007 3:28:43 PM
Author: Aloros
I think a lot has changed. Birth control is more effective nowadays, and if you''re careful, you probably shouldn''t have to ask this. I mean, if you''re on the pill, and you take it consistently and correctly there''s...what? Less than a one percent chance of getting pregnant (at least according to the instructions I''ve read). That''s pretty low. And if you combine that with another form of contraception, the chances of getting pregnant approach near-miraculous probabilities.

If, by some miracle, I got pregnant, I wouldn''t keep it (sorry to offend!). I''m not in a place in my life emotionally, mentally, or financially where I would want a baby and I don''t know if I ever will be in that position.

My ex asked me that question, and I answered honestly. It wasn''t an answer he liked, unfortuantely.
I will chime in here....from my own personal experience....
That one precent results in 150,000 unplanned pregancies a year. Today in age with medicines, there are so many things that can counter act your pills, shots or birth control method than many people think to realize.

There are some over the counter medicines that can decrease the effectiveness of pills. And even taken correctly...ahem...its not always right. I have know around 8 people in the last year who have gotten pregnant while taking their methods correctly.

Unfortunately we live in a society that doesnt even think about marriage in that sense of if I get pregnant. Its more like is 7 mintutes in heaven worth the 17 years of pain???
 

AGBF

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Date: 10/7/2007 10:01:01 AM
Author: Sha
I agree with JulieN that if you don''t know the person well enough to marry them, then you don''t know well enough to have sex with them, either.

Whoa! This is definitely a "speak for yourself" line! It implies that the pool of people with whom someone would have sexual intercourse is the same as the pool of people that person would marry! Not to mention that it implies that if one is married, he cannot have another person as a sexual partner! Yes, married people have sex with people other than their spouses...and rather frequently!

Deborah
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Regular Guy

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Whoa yourself, Deborah...did somebody say Sassy...

Actually...maybe you can point us to a "how to get there" book on that one...not that I question the truth of it. Or not, as you like.

Back to Perry's original query...

Yes, clearly enough, I can personally see the sort of "double standard" of which you speak.

One cannot minimize the 9 month gestation period for baby making...and also...as the mother bonds with the child, not to mention the ease with which it can be documented that the child comes from that one of the parents. Also, there is the legal notion at least which we can apply, that possession is 9/10 of the law. Still...the fundamentals Perry points to are there...in that the creation of a child is associated...in what everyone must see is at least very substantially true...as a result of those two people's behavior. In this way, the father can feel, really, and also, probably be, legally, no less responsible than the mother. Right?

So, I have three sorts of thoughts to share:

1) Although one must make decisions, day by day, moment by moment...working them back, each of them, these decisions...to their logical possible conclusions, could make one bonkers. You might not choose to drive to work, if you work out the consequences should you do the sort of harm you might do. Does this logic explain too easily the cause for casual sex? Though it feels irresponsible to write it and express it this way...it is in the mix for the way one could rationalize ever having sex before marriage.

2) Relatedlty, today (do any of you find yourself casually reading headlines on these web portals) on MSN, the piece you drill to on "Dating rituals decoded" provides some background wisdom...which it's probably helpful to get a feel for. This is not different in substance than the sentiment in your original post, Perry...because you're talking about mixing together the feeling with the rational parts...with a focus on the rational parts. The suggestion here is in large part...it's useful to stay in touch with the feeling parts.

3) I don't have good wisdom here, based on my ability to count on my fingers & toes the times I've had to make decisions about this. But...the entry was irresistible...and though really without 2 cents...maybe, Perry, I can offer a penny for your thoughts...and my appreciation for your sharing them.
 

diamondseeker2006

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Date: 10/6/2007 8:49:08 PM
Author: JulieN
If I get pregnant and you won''t marry me because you don''t know me well enough, you don''t know me well enough to have sex with me.

If I get pregnant and you would like to marry me, but won''t because we are too young, or want to accomplish certain things before marriage, or you know we would not work out in the long run, that is ok with me.
Great answer, Julie!!! And I agree!!! (By the way, where have you been lately? I''ve missed seeing you around!)
 

Siamese Kitty

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However naive, I think I have asked this question before-especially when I was younger.
 

Steel

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Now this thread ''blew the cobwebs and dust off my memory''!

I''m posting not because I have anything new to say but because this topic became a turning point for me and how I chose a boyfriend, and subsequently my husband.

I cannot see myself ever having children, jusy not for me.

But that said, I asked the question"in question"
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, once. It felt very wrong to ask it and got me thinking. I would never have a child out of wedlock. Not my choice. So the question arose. Once it did I decided like other posters that I was not prepared to risk pregnancy with a man I would not consider having a child with.

If I would not have a baby with him, why was I sleeping with him? I dumped him. Very shortly after I met my DH. I still don''t want kids, but I know if we got pregnant and decided to keep him/her, I would have a baby with my DH. (throws salt over shoulder and crosses legs quickly - no kids please!
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).
 

crown1

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i liken this topic to religion and politics. this is a hot topic that people have very strong views one way or the other. i think it is part of the way people are raised and the current lifestyle society is promoting.

i personally am of the camp that favors not voluntarily getting yourself into a position where the consequences will be a problem for you, no matter what you are engaging in, sex or anything else. families evolved because this was the easiest way for people to survive. we are frequently hearing of single parents having issues.

i don''t think that we can convince people to change their way of thinking on this topic any more than you can change the smoker vs. non-smoker issue. it is a very personal thing but once a pregnancy happens it involves many more people than the two involved.

to answer the question, i can''t imagine myself asking that question of anybody and if i were asked the other question back i would make a hasty departure. in my personal opinion, sex is for the committed relationship that can handle the consequences of it''s actions.
 
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