The death of a child

[soxfan]

Our friends lost their 4 year old daughter to an accident at day care last week. I'm still reeling from the memorial service yesterday. Apparently the child was outside with 3 other kids ages 2 to 4 and she got caught by her coat hood on a lean-to made of sticks. She hung and her oxygen supply was cut off. She was brain dead by the time the provider got out of the house to check on the kids (she was inside with a younger child, probably a baby.) They did CPR all the way to the hospital and she remained on life support for a couple of days for the family to say goodbye. I just can't get over this. I live in a small town- everyone knows the provider and has been defending her on all the news articles, others are vilifying her and people are arguing and it's just awful. I work with the child's dad at my job, he is the nicest guy in the world. They are an amazing amazing family. Their older daughter is in my son's class at school and the kids all ski together.

My kids were devastated, my husband is devastated, I can't stop crying. The parents are absolutely broken. It's the most horrible thing that has happened in our circle of friends. Just utterly the heaviest thing I've ever had to deal with.

What makes it worse is my daughter actually went to that daycare and we pulled her when she was about 15 months old because of safety issues. The provider was unlicensed at the time of this accident and was watching 5 kids when she was authorized to only watch 3 without a license. Our neighbor had her daughter there too years ago and she was injured. I KNOW we can't keep our kids in a bubble, and this was a horrible tragic accident, but I just can't stop thinking about it. There's nothing I could have done, I know- choosing an in-home daycare provider is a deeply personal decision and we all felt comfortable there at our own point in time. There was NO way I was going to give an an unsolicited account of my experiences there, it wasn't my place, and I don't know the mom that well. The provider is a very nice lady, has a wonderful family, is very generous and treats her charges like her own family. She has to be in her own personal hell. It's just an awful situation.

I just had to talk about this here because I can't anywhere else- because EVERYONE knows the provider or the mom. I'm just so goddamn sad.

 

[kenny]

Wow, so sorry you are near this tragedy.
Hugs to you.

 

[Efe]

Such a horrible tragedy. I am so sorry for all involved.

 

[OreoRosies86]

The death of a child is the most tragic thing in the world. It's not right, it should just never happen. Those poor parents must be in agony.

Years ago friends of my parents lost their new baby. The father left him on the bed while he was taking a shower (I guess he had fallen asleep there and the father had to get ready for work and didn't want to disturb the baby). The baby rolled off the bed and smothered in a laundry hamper. The wake was horrific. I hope the community rallies around this family. It is so unbelievably unfair.

 

[minousbijoux]

soxfan: I am so sorry this has happened in your life. I can only imagine the pall in which it must shroud your community. You come across as such a loving, caring person in your post. Someone who is posting not because they want to lay blame or speculate, but simply because you are hurting. Things will never be the same for any of you, I'm sure. While it is little consolation, I admire your response, as you are certainly conducting yourself with love and compassion. Hugs to you and prayers for all of you.

 

[soxfan]

Thanks everyone. I just edited my post-it was confusing- I work with the child's dad, not the husband of the provider. Ugh. Can't think today.

 

[soxfan]

soxfan: I am so sorry this has happened in your life. I can only imagine the pall in which it must shroud your community. You come across as such a loving, caring person in your post. Someone who is posting not because they want to lay blame or speculate, but simply because you are hurting. Things will never be the same for any of you, I'm sure. While it is little consolation, I admire your response, as you are certainly conducting yourself with love and compassion. Hugs to you and prayers for all of you.

Thank you. It is tearing the community apart, really. And Facebook is the LAST freaking place it should be discussed.

 

[Dancing Fire]

How sad,such a horrible tragedy.. ..hugs to you.

 

[Mayk]

I can of nothing worse... It takes my breath away just reading the title. I'm so very sorry.

 

[Enerchi]

Oh soxfan, I'm so sorry to hear of this tragedy and the pain your community is going thru. Come vent anytime.

My thoughts go out to all involved. That provider is going to need just as much help and support as the parents. Bless them all and hope the find the strength to get thru this.

 

[Circe]

It's every parent's nightmare. I am so incredibly sorry for their loss. I think you're quite right to, a) keep your own counsel with acquaintances (outside of sympathy and support of course), and, b), an glad you have a place where you can vent anonymously, at least a little bit, on here. That kind of support can be a lifesaver. I hope that the parents can find solace in something similar, in person, online, wherever.

 

[movie zombie]

I don't even have the words other than to say I'm glad you can come here to "release".

horrible things happen to children. through no fault of anyone.
when I was in grammar school a classmate was playing at home with another friend. they were running around in the backyard and somehow he got caught up in the clothesline and was strangling. by the time the other friend realized what was happening and went in to get his mother, well, it was almost the same outcome.

I hope you and your community can find peace re this tragic death.

 

[CJ2008]

I don't even know what to say...how sad...

 

[momhappy]

Yes, the loss of one of my children is one of my greatest fears.
Your situation is so incredibly sad and I would have a very difficult time dealing with it too. I cried for quite some time after the shootings at Sandy Hook and I had no personal ties to it - I just found it so horribly sad. We had a local incident last summer where a young child died as a result of drowning in a swimming pool during summer camp. These sorts of things can happen in the blink of an eye and they can happen to any one of us.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, OP.

 

[Indylady]

Soxfan, I'm so sorry to read this--wishing you and your family, and the family of the little girl, lots of healing. I lost a family friend as a teenager, and I remember that the word 'devastation' was the closest thing to describe those parents, but that even that word didn't come close to really describe it.

 

[marcy]

Soxfan, what an awful tragedy for everyone involved. I am so sorry.

 

[woofmama]

So incredibly sad. I can't imagine the grief all of the people close to this tragedy are feeling. My heart goes out to the parents.

I agree with you, FB is no place for discussion of something like this. Very inappropriate. Shows a lack of respect for the grieving family

 

[Laila619]

I read about this story online; how horribly sad. I don't even know the woman, but I am irrationally angry at her for leaving the kids unsupervised outside. That poor family! So sorry, Soxfan.

 

[Begonia]

I am so sorry for their loss

 

[MissGotRocks]

Words just fail at a time like this. I'm sorry for you and your community - emotions run so high and run the gamut in this situation. Everyone has an opinion but they're based on strong, gut emotion so they come from every direction. You are correct though to try to counsel and console your own family without getting into the fray of the community. It's best to gather solace from sources such as grief counselors, family and clergy. I don't think you ever get over this type of loss - somehow the fabric of life knits over the crevice and makes it more bearable with time but it's never entirely gone. It's every parent's worst nightmare.

Again, I am terribly sorry for your pain and wish there were words that could ease it for you. Hopefully knowing others are thinking of you and your town will bring some comfort.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

That is beyond heartbreaking! I am so very sorry. I do not know why people have to go around casting blame at a time like this. Accidents can happen when parents are home. It was an accident and the woman will have to live with it for the rest of her life, as will that family, sadly. {{{hugs}}}

 

[AprilBaby]

I'm so sorry. Neither side will recover.

 

[yssie]

Oh, god.

Sox... I'm so, so terribly sorry. There aren't words to describe how heartbreaking this is just to read about, let alone to be living it - as part of your community, as friends of her parents, as the care provider, as the little girl's parents and family

Please take care of yourself Sox, and know that we're here for you.

 

[4_cs]

You are right-there is nothing worse than losing a child. I know. It happened to me just over a year ago. I will never be the same. My days are just days.Be supportive to the parents. Grief is just not emotionally exhausting but physically exhausting. Being around people takes everything out of you. People are afraid to say things to you because they are afraid they will upset you. I have had people avoid me in stores. I have people I see regularly never acknowledge my sons death. It's like it never happened. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. For me I don't want my son forgotten. I have many people who offer all kinds of support. I have people regularly ask how I am doing or how my family is doing. That is what I need. Everyone is different. Certain things can set me off without warning. Like seeing his favorite food in the grocery store. That's going to happen. The loss of a child is sad. Offer to go for a walk,bring a meal,arrange for a housekeeper, or help write thank you notes. Remember their child's birthday. I have found breakfast baskets and flowers on my doorstep. Received little notes and cards in the mail. The smallest gestures can be the most important. Just be there for your friends.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I'm so sorry, slc4.

 

[yssie]

Again, I am lost for words... but I can at least offer you a big ::HUG::, slc4.

 

[Circe]

I literally don't have the words, either to express my sorrow for your grief, or to do justice to my respect for you for trying to bring something practical out of your agonizing experience to help someone else through theirs. Just sympathy - in absentia, but in sincerity - and admiration. I am so sorry you have had to experience what you have. Thank you for trying to ease someone else's pain. At the end of the day, it's the most any of us can do.

 

[4_cs]

Thank you. I just hope soxfan will reach out and continue to reach out to the family in a way that is comfortable for her. I know it can be painful but it is so helpful for the family. The first few weeks,months, year are such a blur and any and all help is appreciated.

 

[thecat]

Slc, I'm sorry for your loss. Slc, soxfan, I'm sending hugs your way.

 

[monarch64]

I am so, so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you and all involved.

Our daughter will begin daycare this week for the first time. My husband and I interviewed countless places and found one that works for our child and us last week.

I hate to say this but now I'm rethinking. So many "what if's."