Telling my future SIL "that doesn't fit "

[Niel]

My future sil has gained weight over the last few years. Im terrible with weight in woman. I'm tall so I always guesstimate by how much weight I would have to gain to look like that, but she's a little shorter. Regardless, taking her height into consideration, probably 30+ lbs I assume. She still wears the same clothes she wore when she was thinner. Along with that, she buys new clothes on the same size! Mediums! Now I'm a fairly thin individual but even I wear mediums to larges...


I tried addressing the issue without saying anything. For Christmas I bought her an extra large shirt. It had a pattern I knew shed like. I told her it was the only size left. She hummed and hawed and told me it probably wouldn't fit. I told her I wear larges in that particular brand, and her response was "yeah and my boobs are bigger than yours" yeah. That's true.....

Well of course she still wears mediums and now its come time for planning my wedding. I found an absolutley perfect dress for my bridesmaids to wear! It only came in 8 and 14. So I was going to get my thinner bridesmaids 8s sense thats what they wear, and my FSIL a 14. Tell her it I would get it altered if necessary.

Well it was at Nordstroms. I am in Michigan I'd have to order it online. She is visiting in Arizona. She had the brilliant idea to go try the dress on in person.

I get a text this morning that reads. "Thats not going to work. I'm more of an 8..."

No you are not. And I don't want anyone stuffed into dresses walking down my aisle! I don't know how to nicely tell her.... I know its a touchy subject and hard to hear but honestly I can't let her in my wedding popping seams.

I can take her out shopping but I don't think me saying it in a shopping environment will be any easier to hear.

If she would dress herself approximately for her size, her weight would be a non issue. She's curvy and that is honestly perfectly fine. Im not bashing her weight at all...Its the denial and the fact she wears clothes 2-5 sizes too small. I just want to tell her wearing clothes too small don't make you look thinner, it has the opposite effect.

I wish her family had the guts to tell her so I didn't have to.

 

[Ally T]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Oh, blimey, sweet, what a nightmare! I can't offer any advice but I totally understand what you are saying. People are all different sizes & shapes, but clothes should fit properly in order to flatter. I am a super polite person & believe each to their own, but even I can screw my nose a bit when I see someone wearing something clearly too small & they're pulling all the seams, hanging out & not really looking very comfy because they are being cut in half around the waist. Your SIL must feel comfy in order to dress like this though? Good luck & I hope someone on here has some advice x

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Oh, blimey, sweet, what a nightmare! I can't offer any advice but I totally understand what you are saying. People are all different sizes & shapes, but clothes should fit properly in order to flatter. I am a super polite person & believe each to their own, but even I can screw my nose a bit when I see someone wearing something clearly too small & they're pulling all the seams, hanging out & not really looking very comfy because they are being cut in half around the waist. Your SIL must feel comfy in order to dress like this though? Good luck & I hope someone on here has some advice x

I have no idea if she feels comfortable. She's hallways tugging down her shirt and has pants that look like they are painted on (muffin top and all) so I can't imagine.

That's exactly it! She would look a whole lot better if she could just except herself in her own skin. Which is hard so I was letting her do that at her own pace. But now its spilling into my wedding photos.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Telling my future SIL

This is a tough situation.
Has she actually tried the dress on then? Dresses are different than regular clothes. She may be able to squeeze into her everyday clothes, but dresses (especially bridesmaid dresses) are made differently and the sizing has to be more accurate for it to fit. Bridesmaid dresses, by nature, are typically delicate (made for one-time use, delicate fabrics with no stretch, etc.). I'm guessing that she wouldn't even get into a size 8 (she probably wouldn't even be able to zip it up) and if she did manage to get the dress on, she's going to be in serious danger of having a wardrobe malfunction at some point during the course of the wedding day/night. If she hasn't already gone to try on the dress, is it possible that you could call there, find a sales associate in that department, and alert them to the fact that your FSIL will be coming in? You could give them a brief background and politely ask if they would sort of "supervise" her visit and encourage her to get the appropriate-sized dress.

 

[Niel]

Its not a typical bm dress. As in, not from a bridal company or anything.

This is the the dress. Its not got a lot of breathing room. If I were buying it. I'd buy it large and have it taken in to make sure it fits. I offered to pay for the tayloring too.... I just don't think this will look good if too tight at all

 

[momhappy]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I also wanted to add that although I realize this is upsetting to you, in the grand scheme of things, one bridesmaid faux pas isn't going to ruin your special day. Obviously, you don't want her to have an unfortunate accident (like ripping a seam), but beyond that, it's really not worth so much stress. I had my bridesmaid dresses custom-made and my out-of-state bridesmaids had their dresses made in the state where they live (I sent them the fabric/materials/pattern and found them a tailor in their area). I relied on them to ensure that the dresses were made according to my specifications and I didn't see the whole crew in their dresses until my wedding day. One of my out-of-state bridesmaids took it upon herself to "alter" the dress to her liking (longer hem line, looser fit, etc.). Her dress looked quite different from all of the others and I remember stressing about how awful it was going to look in the photos. In the end, it really didn't matter all that much. Even though she didn't look right, the photos were fine and I realized that it was such a small detail that I wished I hadn't put so much energy in to. Just wanted to share - wedding planning can be so stressful and overwhelming. It's easy to get caught up in all of the little details, but try to keep things in perspective

 

[momhappy]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Its not a typical bm dress. As in, not from a bridal company or anything.

This is the the dress. Its not got a lot of breathing room. If I were buying it. I'd buy it large and have it taken in to make sure it fits. I offered to pay for the tayloring too.... I just don't think this will look good if too tight at all

There's no way she will even get that on in a size that's too small for her. That fabric is delicate. Also, that ribbon at the waist has absolutely NO stretch, so it won't even zip up if she tries on the wrong size. I think you're going to be okay with this one - she will simply have to try on a larger size just to zip the darn thing up. Pretty dress by the way! Very elegant

 

[Dee*Jay]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Can you tell here some of the other girls have gone to try the dresses on and found they runn REALLY small so maybe she should just try on a couple different sizes (regardless of the number on the tag) to what what's best?

 

[Ally T]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Very pretty dress
As momhappy says, that dress will not give an extra ounce, so she'll have to get an appropriate size. Presumably she will be able to go & try the dress on? Even if you don't get to see her in it, if it fastens up on her in an 8 (which it won't) & she is comfy, then don't let it upset you. It'll be her who has to struggle through the day & then be horrified when she sees the pics, not you.

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Very pretty dress
As momhappy says, that dress will not give an extra ounce, so she'll have to get an appropriate size. Presumably she will be able to go & try the dress on? Even if you don't get to see her in it, if it fastens up on her in an 8 (which it won't) & she is comfy, then don't let it upset you. It'll be her who has to struggle through the day & then be horrified when she sees the pics, not you.

That's the problem I can't have her try them on. I have to order them online. I'm perfectly comfortable buying an extra one or two to see which fits, then return the ones that dont fit, but I just can see the drama if I bring her a 10,12,and 14 and ask her to try them on, now that she has told me "oh I wear an 8"

And I'm really attached to that dress. My sister is wearing a lace one and I'm wearing one with stripes similar to the bottom of that dress, so this one ties the two together perfectly! I'm so attached to it so her sending me a text saying "oh that won't work" makes me so mad

We've got other problems, its not like our relationship has been really great. So I feel like I'm going to really make waves here, though I'm not trying to.

 

[Smith1942]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Oh, welcome to putting up with someone's else's family in addition to your own, ha ha! Ain't marriage grand? Basically you either put up with the overstuffed bridesmaid or start Armageddon. I mean, weight? I can't think of a more sensitive issue!

I speak from experience. I had to have a butch bridesmaid wearing a hoody and a white bra showing out of her bridesmaid dress on my wedding day. She's kind of a distant family member who my husband took under his wing because she's had a hard life and basically has no parents. She was only 16 on the wedding day, and is now 22. I'm very fond of her indeed, but I didn't know her at the wedding and my husband said he really wanted her to be in it. No problem, except she is very butch (is now in the Army) and sat at our top table in our beautiful wedding wearing a HOODY over her lovely cornflower blue satin bridesmaid dress. And in the photos you can see her white bra all visible at the back. And my other bridesmaid couldn't even be arsed to get her roots done for the wedding so she has blonde hair with a line of dark brown around her head - which the half-updo really shows off, and it's very noticeable in the photos.

Luckily I wasn't into the whole big-white-wedding thing so I didn't really care, but unfortunately you just can't control family members. They say inappropriate things, they feel free to comment on your life, they live their lives in ways you wouldn't dream of doing, they make mistakes that then become yours to clean up, they're often basically a total pain in the arse. That's family, and that's why we live on a different continent from ours, ha ha!

 

[missy]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Oh my, this is a difficult situation. Personally I would want someone close to me to be honest with me but if her own family is afraid to broach the topic not sure you should.

I wouldn't want to look ridiculous and I would appreciate it if someone was a real friend and told me the truth as long as it was coming from a loving and caring place. BUT it so depends on her personality and if she is the type of person that you know would just not appreciate loving honesty then it is not worth the battle.

Are you the one ordering the dress? If so and if you are sure of the size that would best fit her you could always cut out the size label and say it is an 8 or alter the size label if possible. I know that sounds crazy (and maybe it is lol) but just to avoid unnecessary drama. If you cannot get away with ordering the dress in a larger size or ordering it and altering the label then I guess you need to let her look a bit ridiculous at your wedding. She probably won't be the only one if that makes you feel any better and it will not detract from your special day so please don't worry about that.

Sorry about this situation Niel and I hope it works out to your satisfaction.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Re: Telling my future SIL

This is a PITA for you, but can you order an 8, 10, 12, and 14 and have her try them? You mention the 10/12/14 scenario already, so just add an 8 into the mix. If you've go to take back two, what's three at that point? And she gets the opportunity to try on the 8.

ETA, I like Missy's idea in theory, but I would suggest NOT removing or altering the label in a dress in case it still doesn't fit and you have to take it back. The store may not accept it without the original label it in.

 

[arkieb1]

Re: Telling my future SIL

O.K if she thinks she is a size 8 and you think she is a size 14 maybe go the middle ground and get one in a size 10 and one in a size 12 unless you absolutely think the 14 will fit (then get a size 12 and a size 14) and ask her over to try them on and tell her you think the size 10 is not flattering on her (or whatever the smaller size is) invite someone else that is female and a good friend over to back you up on this telling them the story first before she arrives, and get them to emphasise that the size 12 (or whatever size is the correct size) is much more flattering and you both want her to look her best and wear that. Send back the one in the smaller size.

You need a really really good friend to tell her bluntly that the smaller size is horrid and that rolls of fat went out of fashion years ago and do it all in a way that makes you look like the hero and the other person she doesn't know the target or enemy. Do you have any good friends that can give it to her straight while you are just innocently standing there?

 

[bunnycat]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Its not a typical bm dress. As in, not from a bridal company or anything.

This is the the dress. Its not got a lot of breathing room. If I were buying it. I'd buy it large and have it taken in to make sure it fits. I offered to pay for the tayloring too.... I just don't think this will look good if too tight at all

There's no way she will even get that on in a size that's too small for her. That fabric is delicate. Also, that ribbon at the waist has absolutely NO stretch, so it won't even zip up if she tries on the wrong size. I think you're going to be okay with this one - she will simply have to try on a larger size just to zip the darn thing up. Pretty dress by the way! Very elegant

True- for a dress with areas of no stretch, it just isn't going to zip without tearing.

 

[kgizo]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Rather than telling her she's gained weight and has fat rolls, can you approach it from a type of look angle? Tell her that you know she likes to show off her curves and look sexy, but you want an elegant/cute/dressy look so you've chosen a lace dress designed to fit loosely. Try to make it about the dress, not her. She clearly thinks she dresses herself well so you aren't likely to change her mind. Focus on the positives, it will be easy to dance in, will be comfortable on a hot summer day, etc. I suggest explaining your wishes to your FI first in case he gets asked about it. Family things tend to be indirectly gossiped about instead of addressed head on. Good luck.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Telling my future SIL

If she is truly a 12-14, she will not be able to zip up that dress. It is too fitted. If she can zip up the 8, then she is no larger than a small 10 and it won't look that bad. I do think you'll have to order multiple sizes for her to try on.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Can you send her to a tailor to have her exact measurements taken? Explanation TBD but if you have her numbers and order off of that, it kind of silences the size issue.

 

[smitcompton]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Hi,

First, call Nordstrums to see if they have the dress in the 10 or 12. They have many stores and can look it up in the inventory files.
If they can find th 10-12- order them. Tell her the dress runs small, and as a favor to you, could she please try these sizes on. You want her to be comfortable at the wedding. I think the size 14 would be a little much for her to accept, considering she is in denial over her weight at present.

Annette

 

[House Cat]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Nordstrom has an incredible return policy. Is there any way you can order the 8 and the 14, let her try and squeeze into the 8, then when it doesn't even zip, have her put on the 14 and blame it on the sizing.


Or can you say you spoke to a sales rep and she said the sizing of the dress is very small. According to weight and measurements (you'll have to get these) your FSIL is a 14. Generally BM dresses run this way. I know this isn't a typical BM dress, but why don't you just treat it this way?


If, in the end, your FSIL insists on the 8, i would let her know that if it doesn't fit, she will be responsible for all alterations, possible repurchase of the exact dress that fits, and if she can't find one, she is eliminated from the bridal party (so sorry.) All unfortunate options but if you tried your best to get her into a dress that fits and she is unable to see the light, at that point, there is nothing you can do.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I reread your first post and saw that you can only get the dress is asize 8 and a 14 - is that correct? So, order the dress in an 8 and a 14 and from the way it sounds, she won't fit into the 8 and she will have to end up with the 14 (with some alterations if necessary). If there are only two sizes, I really think that you are making this more complicated than need be. The 8 likely won't zip, but the 14 probably will. You didn't choose the sizes, they were the only ones available, so your FSIL will just have to make do. You can explain it to her in those terms, which makes it less of a personal attack on her weight and more about sizing availability of the dresses. You could even say that you're ordering both sizes for other bridesmaids too because others are unsure about proper fit.

 

[Circe]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I reread your first post and saw that you can only get the dress is asize 8 and a 14 - is that correct? So, order the dress in an 8 and a 14 and from the way it sounds, she won't fit into the 8 and she will have to end up with the 14 (with some alterations if necessary). If there are only two sizes, I really think that you are making this more complicated than need be. The 8 likely won't zip, but the 14 probably will. You didn't choose the sizes, they were the only ones available, so your FSIL will just have to make do. You can explain it to her in those terms, which makes it less of a personal attack on her weight and more about sizing availability of the dresses. You could even say that you're ordering both sizes for other bridesmaids too because others are unsure about proper fit.

Yep, this sounds like the way to go.

P.S. - I would not tell another woman that she was dressing badly because she's gained weight unless I was deeply committed to self-harm and lacked sharp objects.

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

One of my other bridesmaids used to work at the Nordstrom down in Chicago. She told me shed call down and ask them if they could call in better sizes. So right now I am hoping we can get her a 12.

She has a very very large bust. So the concept of her wearing an 8 is honestly ridiculous. A medium flies in her t shirts because tney stretch and stretch. I cant see this dreas stretching.I mean a 12 can fit her bust and hips. And she has larger legs that need some room. But I'm sure the middle can be taken in. Give her a beautiful hourglass shape.

We are thinking I'm just going to buy a few and have her try them.

 

[yennyfire]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Yikes. What a terrible situation. I'm going to be BLUNTLY honest with you. I wouldn't rock the boat over a dress. Is she going to look silly? Yes. Would she actually look thinner in a dress that fit properly. Yes. However, IMHO, it's not worth causing damage to your relationship. In this type of situation, you can't win and have to think about the long term impact of causing a rift with FSIL. I think the most you can do is order the dress in both sizes and ask her to try both on at a seamstresses shop so that she can see what the 14 would like like properly tailored. If she still wants the 8, I think you have to let it go.

You know, I don't have that many wedding photos of my family displayed in my home. I did when we were first married, but now that we have kids, their photos have taken over. I have one large wedding photo of DH and me, as well as one of my parents and both sets of grandparents from the wedding, but the rest are of my kids. The point I'm making is that a few years down the road, you won't likely have lots of wedding photos on display and the only place you'll see these photos is when you look at your album (which we tend to do every aniversary)....will it irritate you every time? Maybe...but if it's helped you keep the peace with FSIL, it will have been worth it....

I think every bride has glitches re: their wedding, whether it be in the planning stages or the day of (our Rabbi was very late and we were worried that we'd have no one to marry us!). Just remind yourself that at the end of the day, all that matters is that you are happily married at the end of the night.

 

[Hospatogi]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I know you want your big day to be perfect..trust me I was the same way last year when I planned my own wedding. Just remember that your wedding album will have very few pictures of your SIL. Most of the spreads will be of you and your future husband. And there is always photoshop!
Trying to bring up the weight issue right now will only cause some really hard feelings and may even ruin the relationship you have with her in the future. Weight gain is rarely about the food but about something she is dealing with emotionally. If she wants to be uncomfortable that day let her . All eyes are going to be on you and how beautiful you look anyway.

 

[Hospatogi]

Re: Telling my future SIL

One of my other bridesmaids used to work at the Nordstrom down in Chicago. She told me shed call down and ask them if they could call in better sizes. So right now I am hoping we can get her a 12.

She has a very very large bust. So the concept of her wearing an 8 is honestly ridiculous. A medium flies in her t shirts because tney stretch and stretch. I cant see this dreas stretching.I mean a 12 can fit her bust and hips. And she has larger legs that need some room. But I'm sure the middle can be taken in. Give her a beautiful hourglass shape.

We are thinking I'm just going to buy a few and have her try them.

Did she actually try on the 8 or just looked at the dress in Arizona?

 

[junebug17]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Yeah, I would just order different sizes and have her try them on...as others have said, I don't think she'll be able to get into the 8, but sounds like she has to find that out for herself. (You mentioned she tried the dress on, I'm assuming it was the 14.) If she can get into the 8, I'm not sure there's much you can do. I wouldn't risk hard feelings that could damage your relationship with her over a dress. Her appearance is a reflection of her, not you. I saw the pic of you in your wedding dress in BWW, you look stunning and believe me, all eyes will be on you!

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

One of my other bridesmaids used to work at the Nordstrom down in Chicago. She told me shed call down and ask them if they could call in better sizes. So right now I am hoping we can get her a 12.

She has a very very large bust. So the concept of her wearing an 8 is honestly ridiculous. A medium flies in her t shirts because tney stretch and stretch. I cant see this dreas stretching.I mean a 12 can fit her bust and hips. And she has larger legs that need some room. But I'm sure the middle can be taken in. Give her a beautiful hourglass shape.

We are thinking I'm just going to buy a few and have her try them.

Did she actually try on the 8 or just looked at the dress in Arizona?

She said she could fine that particular one but she tried on dresses and she was "an 8 or a 10 so just buy the 8" but if you tried on stretchy dresses with deep Vs that's not going to be st all the same. Plus, what's the big deal is I go a little bigger and get it to fit her great with some tailoring?

I guess I can just give her this, but I give her EVERYTHING and button my lip.

I didnt say anything when she tried to break my SO and I up when we first started dating

I didn't say anything when she called us stupid and other things when we said we were pregnant.

I didn't say anything when she tries to force the term "nona" on me and my daughter instead of grandma (which I hate!)

I'd like to be able to say "here is how it is" for one thing.

 

[Smith1942]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Oh dear, things do sound a bit strained. I do find that the solution with irritating family members is to spend as little time with them as possible. She sounds mega-annoying, so after the wedding can you limit the time you spend with her? I have to do this with so many family members because of the kinds of things they feel free to say to me, and the fact they try to dictate my life choices. And they never change and will never listen, so you just have to not have as much contact with them. Bear in mind that you will be SILs for a long time, so seeing her less would probably help in continuing the buttoned lip like you have done so far! Does your fiance find her annoying as well?

Not much help with the dress thing, I know, but just generally in terms of difficult family. I've got a bucketful of those, you see, and I definitely find that avoidance is the best tactic.

 

[Hospatogi]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I'm so sorry that she's been that way with you! There is nothing wrong with you wanting to get the bigger size for her and tailoring it to her measurements. In fact given how she's hurt your feelings it's nice that you even want her to look her best! I would order the larger size and say that you did that for everyone so they could tailor it to fit each person perfectly if she complains. And I def wouldn't bring it up to her until there is no time for her to go out and purchase a smaller size to squish herself into!