Telling my future SIL "that doesn't fit "

[arkieb1]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Why can't she be in his wedding party?

It's probably too late to ask this... but does she have to be in your wedding? In reading your description about your interactions and general relationship I don't feel as though she is someone that should necessarily be in your wedding party. That being said, family dynamics are what they are, so if she *has* to be in the wedding, I totally get it.

Yes I didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. But family dynamics and all.

She actually asked my SO if she could be in HIS wedding party, as well as asked if she could give a speech at our wedding

"It just annoyed me that she would ask to stand up on his side, I mean who asks, and why skip over my side and strait to his. We hadn't asked anyone yet so why make it awkward. And she had asked to give a speech at the same time she asked to be in our wedding, so it came off as asking to be his best man....Its not because she is a female, it was just weird to ask that question."


The fact she did that is a VERY clear indication she thought you were not going to ask her to be in the wedding party. She knew this and wanted to be in it so she went above or over your wishes anyway. Doesn't that tell you something?

You could tell everyone you have decided you want a small intimate ceremony and are only having one bridesmaid.

Or if not I sincerely hope you can get the dress in a size 12, look at it from her POV if you get a 14 it screams you think she is fat, that is what she is going to think, if you go and get all the sizes and 8 and a 10 we know she is going to pour herself into that and if you changed tags on the 14 she is still probably going to try and find a smaller size like a 6 or something because of the way it will sit.

A 12 is a good compromise if you can get it from another store. If not and you have to give her a size 14 and she gets it altered to look like Dolly Parton crossed with a hooker then you will have to accept it. I think in all honesty if it bothers you THAT much then you should look for ways to give her other things to do but exclude her from you wedding party. If not then that is how she is, you have to accept that.

 

[kenny]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I'm so glad neither of my brothers had bitchy brides.

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[movie zombie]

Re: Telling my future SIL

actually, Niel, I think you did get yourself into a "situation" by not being Bitchy in the first place!

 

[Rhea]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Because it's his sibling. Maybe she just always pictured standing up with the brother she was raised with. I don't see the problem with that. You two apparently don't get on so i don't understand why you wouldn't just let her do that. It'd make your life much easier and she'd be happy.

Why can't she be in his wedding party?

It's probably too late to ask this... but does she have to be in your wedding? In reading your description about your interactions and general relationship I don't feel as though she is someone that should necessarily be in your wedding party. That being said, family dynamics are what they are, so if she *has* to be in the wedding, I totally get it.

Yes I didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. But family dynamics and all.

She actually asked my SO if she could be in HIS wedding party, as well as asked if she could give a speech at our wedding

It just annoyed me that she would ask to stand up on his side, I mean who asks, and why skip over my side and strait to his. We hadn't asked anyone yet so why make it awkward. And she had asked to give a speech at the same time she asked to be in our wedding, so it came off as asking to be his best man....Its not because she is a female, it was just weird to ask that question.

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Because it's his sibling. Maybe she just always pictured standing up with the brother she was raised with. I don't see the problem with that. You two apparently don't get on so i don't understand why you wouldn't just let her do that. It'd make your life much easier and she'd be happy.

Why can't she be in his wedding party?

It's probably too late to ask this... but does she have to be in your wedding? In reading your description about your interactions and general relationship I don't feel as though she is someone that should necessarily be in your wedding party. That being said, family dynamics are what they are, so if she *has* to be in the wedding, I totally get it.

Yes I didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. But family dynamics and all.

She actually asked my SO if she could be in HIS wedding party, as well as asked if she could give a speech at our wedding

It just annoyed me that she would ask to stand up on his side, I mean who asks, and why skip over my side and strait to his. We hadn't asked anyone yet so why make it awkward. And she had asked to give a speech at the same time she asked to be in our wedding, so it came off as asking to be his best man....Its not because she is a female, it was just weird to ask that question.

maybe

the reason she didnt is that I do not have many close friends that i would be happy being in my wedding. My SO has many. She was on my side so that she wouldnt take up a spot for one of his friends, and allow another spot on the grooms side. Plus, had we dont that she would have been wearing a dress I picked out, so we would still be in this situation.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Telling my future SIL

when is the wedding?
does your SO know what is going on and/or how you feel about it?

 

[Smith1942]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Yikes. I'm so glad neither of my brothers had bitchy brides.

That is a very mean and uncalled-for thing to say. Niel just wants to have some basic control over her special day like the vast majority of brides the world over do.

And let's not forget that, due to family politics, Niel has to give away a special place in her bridal party to a woman who called the very existence of her child "stupid". Despite this, and despite the woman trying to take away Niel's relationship in the first place, Niel has picked a beautiful dress for her to wear that she could wear again anywhere. All she asks is that the bridesmaid's dress fits nicely, given that wedding photos are around for a long, long time.

If the woman had said such a terrible thing about the existence of my child, she'd have a plaster cast that fit nicely.

Out of the two of them, I hardly think that Niel is the "b**chy" one.

 

[Laila619]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I really don't get what the big deal is, honestly. This sounds like one of those "bridezilla" things to worry about (not saying you are one, just saying it's really insignificant in the grand scheme of things).

 

[Hera]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I think she's very aware of how her clothes fit! I think how people wear their clothes and whether they are tight is more on how they like to wear their clothes. I have seen people busting out of their clothes and I think they like it that way!

Personally, I found it a little rude to give someone an extra large article of clothing when they claim to wear a medium. I get giving them a large even, but an extra large? Seems a little passive aggressive to me. A gift is giving someone something they will like and she likes her clothes tight!

Despite this, I would try to find a way to get the larger size and have her fitted in. Just be aware that she may have it altered to size 8 tight alterations. I suppose you could try to explain to her that you would like it fitting very loose.

It's obvious you have issues with this woman, and if it would have been me, I would have taken a stance to have her not in my bridal party. I think I'd still be tempted to go back on it. You can try to be nice about it, it doesn't need to be a smack down. If not, I understand but then I would continue avoiding drama.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Because it's his sibling. Maybe she just always pictured standing up with the brother she was raised with. I don't see the problem with that. You two apparently don't get on so i don't understand why you wouldn't just let her do that. It'd make your life much easier and she'd be happy.

Why can't she be in his wedding party?

It's probably too late to ask this... but does she have to be in your wedding? In reading your description about your interactions and general relationship I don't feel as though she is someone that should necessarily be in your wedding party. That being said, family dynamics are what they are, so if she *has* to be in the wedding, I totally get it.

Yes I didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. But family dynamics and all.

She actually asked my SO if she could be in HIS wedding party, as well as asked if she could give a speech at our wedding

It just annoyed me that she would ask to stand up on his side, I mean who asks, and why skip over my side and strait to his. We hadn't asked anyone yet so why make it awkward. And she had asked to give a speech at the same time she asked to be in our wedding, so it came off as asking to be his best man....Its not because she is a female, it was just weird to ask that question.

I agree - the likely explanation is that she wanted to stand up on the side of her sibling.
As far as the commentary about Niel, I don't think she's being a bridezilla, but I do think that the dress situation has been blown out of proportion. As I said before, I truly do not believe that this is about a dress - it's about a strained relationship with FSIL. The dress is simply the catalyst (in other words, the dress provided the means to express frustration).

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I think she's very aware of how her clothes fit! I think how people wear their clothes and whether they are tight is more on how they like to wear their clothes. I have seen people busting out of their clothes and I think they like it that way!

Personally, I found it a little rude to give someone an extra large article of clothing when they claim to wear a medium. I get giving them a large even, but an extra large? Seems a little passive aggressive to me. A gift is giving someone something they will like and she likes her clothes tight!

Despite this, I would try to find a way to get the larger size and have her fitted in. Just be aware that she may have it altered to size 8 tight alterations. I suppose you could try to explain to her that you would like it fitting very loose.

It's obvious you have issues with this woman, and if it would have been me, I would have taken a stance to have her not in my bridal party. I think I'd still be tempted to go back on it. You can try to be nice about it, it doesn't need to be a smack down. If not, I understand but then I would continue avoiding drama.

Well when i said I told her it was the only size left, that was actually true. Plus it was one of those large loose flashdance style cut off sweatshirts that would look silly tight. plus, i tried really hard to find her a shirt she would like, she is super into owls, and it was a neat owl dressed in a cute salor outfit, she really liked the design..... wasnt trying to be rude, i just thought shed like it and it would look nice on her. Also i offered to return it and she could pick out something else if it didnt fit. I didnt look at it as rude, but i guess you could see it that way. I was just trying to get her something she would like in my christmas budget.



as for the q about my SO. He is aware of all of this and on my side about it.

 

[Smith1942]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I don't think it's an option to ask her to leave the wedding party, because in some families the selfish politics and dominance are so strong that it would cause Armageddon. I'm from a family like that, so I know what it's like.

The more I think about it, the more I think that to want a bridesmaid's dress to fit is perfectly reasonable. The groomsmen wouldn't turn up with ties askew, or unbrushed hair, or trousers that hadn't been hemmed properly and which trailed over their shoes. It's a formal occasion and part of formal dressing is that the clothes fit properly. People at a wedding are obliged to dress well out of respect for the union that is taking place, and for the bride and groom. It's not as if Niel is asking her bridesmaid to do something unreasonable like spending loads of money going away on an expensive hen weekend. She just wants the clothes to fit.

However, I don't think that Niel will be able to change her bridesmaid and if she is going for the overstuffed look, once subtle things like buying a larger size and getting it nicely tailored have failed, there's not a lot to be done. I'm saying that I think Niel is perfectly reasonable to want her bridal clothes to fit well - after all they are Niel's wedding photos, not the bridesmaid's wedding photos - but I'm not sure that she will get it, on this occasion. I also agree that if all else fails, for the sake of long-term family politics, best just to accept it. If the SIL ever gets married, maybe Niel can insist on wearing a dress several sizes too big!

 

[Smith1942]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Niel - we were writing at the same time!

Glad your SO has got your back.

 

[Smith1942]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Niel - we were writing at the same time!

Glad your SO has got your back.

 

[Hera]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I think she's very aware of how her clothes fit! I think how people wear their clothes and whether they are tight is more on how they like to wear their clothes. I have seen people busting out of their clothes and I think they like it that way!

Personally, I found it a little rude to give someone an extra large article of clothing when they claim to wear a medium. I get giving them a large even, but an extra large? Seems a little passive aggressive to me. A gift is giving someone something they will like and she likes her clothes tight!

Despite this, I would try to find a way to get the larger size and have her fitted in. Just be aware that she may have it altered to size 8 tight alterations. I suppose you could try to explain to her that you would like it fitting very loose.

It's obvious you have issues with this woman, and if it would have been me, I would have taken a stance to have her not in my bridal party. I think I'd still be tempted to go back on it. You can try to be nice about it, it doesn't need to be a smack down. If not, I understand but then I would continue avoiding drama.

Well when i said I told her it was the only size left, that was actually true. Plus it was one of those large loose flashdance style cut off sweatshirts that would look silly tight. plus, i tried really hard to find her a shirt she would like, she is super into owls, and it was a neat owl dressed in a cute salor outfit, she really liked the design..... wasnt trying to be rude, i just thought shed like it and it would look nice on her. Also i offered to return it and she could pick out something else if it didnt fit. I didnt look at it as rude, but i guess you could see it that way. I was just trying to get her something she would like in my christmas budget.



as for the q about my SO. He is aware of all of this and on my side about it.

I see, but there does seem to be an undertone of imposing what YOU think looks right. It seems to be HER opinion that tight clothes looks good! And that's why I don't think it will do anything to tell her the bridesmaid dress doesn't fit. She probably will think it fits just fine even if she's popping out of it. That's why maybe a discussion on how you would like it to fit her may be more productive.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Apparently this dress is made of a stretchy fabric. Most of the reviews of this dress indicate that it runs a bit large, so the situation might not be quite as dire as you think... although if she is truly a size 14, she's not going to be able to fit into an 8 even if it is closer to a 10.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-lace-fit-flare-dress/3410384#reviewTabs.

Does she live near you? I'd order the dress in multiple sizes and be there when she tries them on. And then just keep saying "no, that's not the look I had in mind" until she tries on the one that fits the way you want. Have her brother there for reinforcement!

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Niel - we were writing at the same time!

Glad your SO has got your back.

thanks Smith! Youre a sweetheart!

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Apparently this dress is made of a stretchy fabric. Most of the reviews of this dress indicate that it runs a bit large, so the situation might not be quite as dire as you think... although if she is truly a size 14, she's not going to be able to fit into an 8 even if it is closer to a 10.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-lace-fit-flare-dress/3410384#reviewTabs.

Does she live near you? I'd order the dress in multiple sizes and be there when she tries them on. And then just keep saying "no, that's not the look I had in mind" until she tries on the one that fits the way you want. Have her brother there for reinforcement!

yeah she does! Very good idea.

 

[Hera]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Apparently this dress is made of a stretchy fabric. Most of the reviews of this dress indicate that it runs a bit large, so the situation might not be quite as dire as you think... although if she is truly a size 14, she's not going to be able to fit into an 8 even if it is closer to a 10.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-lace-fit-flare-dress/3410384#reviewTabs.

Does she live near you? I'd order the dress in multiple sizes and be there when she tries them on. And then just keep saying "no, that's not the look I had in mind" until she tries on the one that fits the way you want. Have her brother there for reinforcement!

yeah she does! Very good idea.

Yes, that could be a very good idea. I would avoid comments like, "that's too tight" etc because it'll just likely start an argument. Your goal is to get her to have a dress fit how you would like it to fit for your wedding. VR said it perfectly with "No, that's not the look I had in mind." If pressed, you could say that you are looking for a looser fit.

Any comments about how clothes doesn't fit her in general should really be reserved for her friends and her close family members.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Apparently this dress is made of a stretchy fabric. Most of the reviews of this dress indicate that it runs a bit large, so the situation might not be quite as dire as you think... although if she is truly a size 14, she's not going to be able to fit into an 8 even if it is closer to a 10.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-lace-fit-flare-dress/3410384#reviewTabs.

Does she live near you? I'd order the dress in multiple sizes and be there when she tries them on. And then just keep saying "no, that's not the look I had in mind" until she tries on the one that fits the way you want. Have her brother there for reinforcement!

yeah she does! Very good idea.

Yes, that could be a very good idea. I would avoid comments like, "that's too tight" etc because it'll just likely start an argument. Your goal is to get her to have a dress fit how you would like it to fit for your wedding. VR said it perfectly with "No, that's not the look I had in mind." If pressed, you could say that you are looking for a looser fit.

Any comments about how clothes doesn't fit her in general should really be reserved for her friends and her close family members.

Great idea!

I like the non-confrontational wording regarding fit. Great way to have her in something that fits correctly without bringing her weight or her choice of clothing into the picture.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you can mention dress movement or whatever during dancing, etc. Frame it as a positive.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Telling my future SIL

and I wouldn't use a phrase such as "not the look I had in mind" but something along the lines of "wow, you look great in this one!" or "that one doesn't show you off as well".........and actually you could talk to a fitting person and ask them to lead the charge re making comments......[extra tip for service?]

eta: bringing your SO/her brother long and having him lead the charge re comments could also be a good idea?

 

[arkieb1]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Now that would be a perfect idea have her brother there to tell her which one looks best!!! No mean comments if she won't listen to you then she might listen to him.

 

[texaskj]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I went to a cousin's wedding about 16 years ago with kind of the same story. She felt like she had to ask the groom's sister to be a bridesmaid even though they didn't really like each other. The sister was fairly overweight and kept right on gaining up to the wedding. The dress was very simple, plain black velveteen with no stretch. She had to have panels added to the largest size the dress came in and even then it wasn't enough because she kept on getting bigger. She looked absolutely ridiculous; like a big, overstuffed black sausage. But you know what? In the end it didn't matter a fig. Yenny's right about the photos most people have out that came from their wedding. In the end, you'll still be married. Would you marry him at city hall with a plain band? If the answer's no, then you really have more to think about than one dress.
Break your give-a-shitter when it comes to her. It'll drive her crazy and make you feel better.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Telling my future SIL

oh, i'm so loving "break your give-a-shitter"!

 

[kenny]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Nobody will notice the women wearing these bridesmaid dresses.

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I went to a cousin's wedding about 16 years ago with kind of the same story. She felt like she had to ask the groom's sister to be a bridesmaid even though they didn't really like each other. The sister was fairly overweight and kept right on gaining up to the wedding. The dress was very simple, plain black velveteen with no stretch. She had to have panels added to the largest size the dress came in and even then it wasn't enough because she kept on getting bigger. She looked absolutely ridiculous; like a big, overstuffed black sausage. But you know what? In the end it didn't matter a fig. Yenny's right about the photos most people have out that came from their wedding. In the end, you'll still be married. Would you marry him at city hall with a plain band? If the answer's no, then you really have more to think about than one dress.
Break your give-a-shitter when it comes to her. It'll drive her crazy and make you feel better.

Haha yes. I ask him from time to time when wedding planning gets

 

[House Cat]

Re: Telling my future SIL

One bit of wisdom, no wedding is perfect. The imperfections are the things you actually laugh at as time passes.


Just imagine, two years down the line, you and hubby sitting on the porch swing having a chat (imagine it!) "oh honey remember our wedding day?" '"yes darling it was the happiest day of our life" "Remember when cousin so-and-so got too drunk and danced the funky chicken all night?" :::chuckle::: "yes that was too funny" "Remember your sister, stuffed like a sausage into a size 8 dress?" :::laughter::: "She could barely walk down the isle, let alone sit down and eat dinner!"


See?


So relax. This will be something you laugh at in a year or two. Your SIL insisting on being in a size 8 dress will be future comedy later. She is only serving to embarrass herself. This is not a reflection upon your wedding in any way.

Now, breathe and go pick out your cake! And...enjoy yourself!



Oh...and stop letting her walk all over you! Next time give her the toddler in a grocery store treatment, tell her "NO" in a firm tone, let her throw her tantrum, and walk away.

 

[armywife13]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I have dealt with my fair share of family politics and have always found being straight forward and honest to work best. I really think you have two choices here...

1-Order her the dress in both sizes and have her try on both. It would probably be best for you and your SO to be there when she tries them on. Then you and your SO need to be honest. Is it going to be an uncomfortable moment telling her the 8 doesn't fit? Yes. But if you want this situation resolved so you can have all the bridesmaids looking good, then you need to do it. Otherwise, you need to go with option 2...

2-If you are unwilling to deal with the uncomfortable moment of telling her that the dress doesn't fit, then you are just going to have to suck it up and deal with how she looks in the smaller dress.

The situation seems to have two pretty simple, cut and dry solutions. To me, it seems like you going around in circles in this thread because you don't want to deal with the uncomfortableness of option 1, but don't want to deal with the repercussions of option 2. Eventually you are going to have to put your big girl pants on, choose, and deal with the consequences that come with either choice.

These just my blunt 2 cents though...

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I have dealt with my fair share of family politics and have always found being straight forward and honest to work best. I really think you have two choices here...

1-Order her the dress in both sizes and have her try on both. It would probably be best for you and your SO to be there when she tries them on. Then you and your SO need to be honest. Is it going to be an uncomfortable moment telling her the 8 doesn't fit? Yes. But if you want this situation resolved so you can have all the bridesmaids looking good, then you need to do it. Otherwise, you need to go with option 2...

2-If you are unwilling to deal with the uncomfortable moment of telling her that the dress doesn't fit, then you are just going to have to suck it up and deal with how she looks in the smaller dress.

The situation seems to have two pretty simple, cut and dry solutions. To me, it seems like you going around in circles in this thread because you don't want to deal with the uncomfortableness of option 1, but don't want to deal with the repercussions of option 2. Eventually you are going to have to put your big girl pants on, choose, and deal with the consequences that come with either choice.

These just my blunt 2 cents though...

Ditto, only 2 solutions. There is no use obsessing over it. Pick one and go with it.

 

[gem_anemone]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I only got through the first page of responses, but I wanted to chime in with a similar experience.

I was a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding. I'm tall and thin. Most of the bridesmaids were shorter than me and all but one are thicker than me. We ordered dresses off of a website where the dress sizes ran small. The other bridesmaids were up in arms over the number indicating the size on the dress. I ordered my size 8 based on the measurements (since I had just been measured for my wedding gown I knew them). I am typically a 6. Other bridesmaids ordered based on the number and all the thick girls ordered the same size as me. The dresses had corset backs. Mine fit fine. All the other girls were busting out of their corsets and their modesty panels were not laying flat. They looked kind of awful in their too small dresses, but you know what? No one outside of the bridal party said anything and it didn't really matter because no one was there to look at the bridesmaids. The guests were there to see the happy couple get married. In all honesty I would let this go. Weight issues are a very sensitive subject especially to those who most recently weighed less. You FSIL will get something that she can fit into even if it doesn't look perfect.