Telling my future SIL "that doesn't fit "

[Dee*Jay]

Re: Telling my future SIL

It's probably too late to ask this... but does she have to be in your wedding? In reading your description about your interactions and general relationship I don't feel as though she is someone that should necessarily be in your wedding party. That being said, family dynamics are what they are, so if she *has* to be in the wedding, I totally get it.

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

It's probably too late to ask this... but does she have to be in your wedding? In reading your description about your interactions and general relationship I don't feel as though she is someone that should necessarily be in your wedding party. That being said, family dynamics are what they are, so if she *has* to be in the wedding, I totally get it.

Yes I didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. But family dynamics and all.

She actually asked my SO if she could be in HIS wedding party, as well as asked if she could give a speech at our wedding

 

[bluu76]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I apologize if someone already suggested this, but I haven't read all responses. Is it possible to have her measured by a seamstress and compared against the designer's size chart?

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Telling my future SIL

so, given the history between the two of you, just why is she in the wedding party?
sorry but I have to ask.
I understand wanting to be inclusive.
but and its a big BUT
couldn't she have been put in charge of the guest book?

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

so, given the history between the two of you, just why is she in the wedding party?
sorry but I have to ask.
I understand wanting to be inclusive.
but and its a big BUT
couldn't she have been put in charge of the guest book?

Family wanted her in it so she didn't cause more drama. She's a bit childish.

 

[Circe]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I get what you're saying about just wanting to be able to tell her what to do and have done with it for once, but given how she sounds ... dude, I just don't think it's going to happen. I think she sounds like the sort of person who's just disagreeable. So, since she HAS to be in the wedding ... and in your family ... I think it's got to be a case of picking your battles.

That said, I firmly believe in boundaries and the pure satisfaction of just speaking my mind. So while you might not be able to dress her or tell her she's fat and she's got bad taste (not without coming off as the one at fault, anyway), next time she butts in and tells you what to do or offers an unsolicited opinion on your life, just tell her to shut up. I think it'll be a lot healthier, in the long run, and a better victory than making her wear what you want her to ....

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Telling my future SIL

ok, and i'm going to be very blunt [no one will be surprised, i'm sure]: I think you're tired of making compromises with her to keep the peace.

you made the compromise.
she could have been assigned a less visible and/or important task such as the guest book, the gift table, etc.
now you have to deal with the consequences of your decision.

at some point and time there will be confrontation between the two of you over this....or something else.

if this is that important to you, be clear for yourself and order the size 14 consequences be damned. pay for the alterations.
or reassign her now to another task in which her dress won't bother you.

it is your wedding day.
you get to make the decisions.
and you have to live with them as well.
is the fallout from reassigning her worth it to you?
if so, its the simplest thing to do.

good luck.....

 

[Dee*Jay]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I understand the family thing--truly I do.

As others have said, the dress doesn't seem to have any "give." It's either going to zip or it's not. And if not, she can't wear it, and certainly she can't go down the aisle draped in a bedspread. So have her get the 8 and see what happens when she tries to put it on. Maybe it will be a wake-up call.

 

[Enerchi]

Re: Telling my future SIL

ok, and i'm going to be very blunt [no one will be surprised, i'm sure]: I think you're tired of making compromises with her to keep the peace.

you made the compromise.
she could have been assigned a less visible and/or important task such as the guest book, the gift table, etc.
now you have to deal with the consequences of your decision.

at some point and time there will be confrontation between the two of you over this....or something else.

if this is that important to you, be clear for yourself and order the size 14 consequences be damned. pay for the alterations.
or reassign her now to another task in which her dress won't bother you.

it is your wedding day.
you get to make the decisions.
and you have to live with them as well.
is the fallout from reassigning her worth it to you?
if so, its the simplest thing to do.

good luck.....

Oh, I'm likin' this answer!! I have not read every single reply, but I think this relative has been afforded too much attention/concession so far and its time to put the brakes on. If I had the balls to do it... this is what I'd do - order the size 14 and alter it. If she throws a hissy fit and says she's not going to wear it, altered or not, then give her the option of wearing and participating as a BM or not. She can make the call. If you are in the wedding, you are wearing a dress that fits you properly, otherwise, you are not in the wedding. Period. Deal with it.

As I said, I'd do that only if I had the balls to....and I don't! I just talk a good story!! But I do think MZ has hit it dead on here. Time to stand up to her or be run roughshod throughout the rest of your union with this family. You can pass it off as being a bridezilla but who knows, other's may just applaud someone finally putting this chick in her place!! You just might be that person...

 

[luvsdmb]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Be honest with her. Order the larger dress (especially if you are paying for it) If she gets mad and doesn't want to be in the wedding then oh well, move on.

 

[OneFifty]

Re: Telling my future SIL

First of all, the dress is beautiful! I want one too! And I agree with others that it will have absolutely no stretch. I would order both and watch her try to zip up the 8. Then maybe she would realize that it won't work and you already have the 14 just in case.

 

[kenny]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Is it possible to buy an 8 and a 14 and swap the size labels?

Then you could hand her a 14 that says size 8.

Perhaps Nordstom's customer service is good enough to do this for you.

 

[Circe]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Is it possible to buy an 8 and a 14 and swap the size labels?

Then you could hand her a 14 that says size 8.

Perhaps Nordstom's customer service is good enough to do this for you.

Oooo, sneaky! I like this ....

 

[amc80]

Oooo, sneaky! I like this ....

Yeah, but then you just are reaffirming her belief that she's an 8...I mean I know that's the non-dramatic, mature way to do it...

 

[Circe]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Oooo, sneaky! I like this ....

Yeah, but then you just are reaffirming her belief that she's an 8...I mean I know that's the non-dramatic, mature way to do it...

Honestly, though, if she's foolish enough to believe that there IS such a thing as an 8 (I speak as a woman who wears anything from a 0 to a 12, depending on the brand, style, and type of garment in question) ... what does it hurt? Yeah, she'll keep dressing badly, but there's no guarantee that she won't do that after a tough-love style confrontation ....

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Two of us so far have recommended you get her measured but I haven't seen you comment about it yet. You could say that you *think* you're going with that dress but aren't 100% sure so you want her measurements because every company has different sizes compared to the actual measurements. Then after the fact you order the right dress in the right size and tell her you ordered if the info she gave.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Telling my future SIL

One of my other bridesmaids used to work at the Nordstrom down in Chicago. She told me shed call down and ask them if they could call in better sizes. So right now I am hoping we can get her a 12.

She has a very very large bust. So the concept of her wearing an 8 is honestly ridiculous. A medium flies in her t shirts because tney stretch and stretch. I cant see this dreas stretching.I mean a 12 can fit her bust and hips. And she has larger legs that need some room. But I'm sure the middle can be taken in. Give her a beautiful hourglass shape.

We are thinking I'm just going to buy a few and have her try them.

Did she actually try on the 8 or just looked at the dress in Arizona?

She said she could fine that particular one but she tried on dresses and she was "an 8 or a 10 so just buy the 8" but if you tried on stretchy dresses with deep Vs that's not going to be st all the same. Plus, what's the big deal is I go a little bigger and get it to fit her great with some tailoring?

I guess I can just give her this, but I give her EVERYTHING and button my lip.

I didnt say anything when she tried to break my SO and I up when we first started dating

I didn't say anything when she called us stupid and other things when we said we were pregnant.

I didn't say anything when she tries to force the term "nona" on me and my daughter instead of grandma (which I hate!)

I'd like to be able to say "here is how it is" for one thing.

Clearly, this isn't about a dress.
If other dress sizes are available, order a 10 and 12. Tell her that's what was available and be done with it. You're complicating this way too much and allowing your true feelings for her get in the way of your special day. Many others here have posted some viable options for you (like having her measured, etc.), but you keep focusing on the fact that you have personal issues with her. I understand complicated family dynamics (because I have them too), so I sympathize with you. However, it just seems to me that this situation doesn't have to be nearly as complicated as it has become.

 

[minousbijoux]

Re: Telling my future SIL

One of my other bridesmaids used to work at the Nordstrom down in Chicago. She told me shed call down and ask them if they could call in better sizes. So right now I am hoping we can get her a 12.

She has a very very large bust. So the concept of her wearing an 8 is honestly ridiculous. A medium flies in her t shirts because tney stretch and stretch. I cant see this dreas stretching.I mean a 12 can fit her bust and hips. And she has larger legs that need some room. But I'm sure the middle can be taken in. Give her a beautiful hourglass shape.

We are thinking I'm just going to buy a few and have her try them.

Did she actually try on the 8 or just looked at the dress in Arizona?

She said she could fine that particular one but she tried on dresses and she was "an 8 or a 10 so just buy the 8" but if you tried on stretchy dresses with deep Vs that's not going to be st all the same. Plus, what's the big deal is I go a little bigger and get it to fit her great with some tailoring?

I guess I can just give her this, but I give her EVERYTHING and button my lip.

I didnt say anything when she tried to break my SO and I up when we first started dating

I didn't say anything when she called us stupid and other things when we said we were pregnant.

I didn't say anything when she tries to force the term "nona" on me and my daughter instead of grandma (which I hate!)

I'd like to be able to say "here is how it is" for one thing.

Clearly, this isn't about a dress.
If other dress sizes are available, order a 10 and 12. Tell her that's what was available and be done with it. You're complicating this way too much and allowing your true feelings for her get in the way of your special day. Unless you want unnecessary drama, I suggest you let the past be in the past and move forward with your life.

Wow, well said! I got this sense from the very beginning of the thread...

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Two of us so far have recommended you get her measured but I haven't seen you comment about it yet. You could say that you *think* you're going with that dress but aren't 100% sure so you want her measurements because every company has different sizes compared to the actual measurements. Then after the fact you order the right dress in the right size and tell her you ordered if the info she gave.

Sorry I didn't mean to ignore I was just not sure how to go about that. Its a really good idea, but I'm just trying to think how to go about it.


This is actually about the dress..... this time. It just feels like one more straw on my back so when people ask me about if we're close or why she's in my wedding, its easy for me to go off about her. I know thats bad. We are just two completely different people. And the things I value in a person she seems to feel the complete opposite. So our relationship has always been rocky.

Its all up in the air until my other BM gets back to me as to what sizes we can find.


I appreciate all the suggestions on how to tell her, or more specifically, not tell her. We are buying the dresses so I'm just going to give her her options and say here you go. Maybe its bridezilla but oh well.

 

[LibbyLA]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I'd tell her that bridal wear tends to run several sizes smaller than regular clothing so you generally have to order several sizes larger than your regular size.

I'd also tell her that it's a lot easier to fit (adjust) a dress that is too large than it is to fit one that is too small. You can remove fabric but it's a lot more challenging to add it and sometimes the original location of the seams and hem show when things have been let out.

(I have been sewing since I was 8 years old, so for almost 50 years. I know a lot about making and altering clothes because I'm 5'11" and have had lots of experience over the years altering patterns and clothing.)

liz

 

[kenny]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Oooo, sneaky! I like this ....

Yeah, but then you just are reaffirming her belief that she's an 8...I mean I know that's the non-dramatic, mature way to do it...

I don't see this as an opportunity to fix this woman, just the simplest compromise to get the bride through her day.

 

[AGBF]

Re: Telling my future SIL

P.S. - I would not tell another woman that she was dressing badly because she's gained weight unless I was deeply committed to self-harm and lacked sharp objects.

When I first opened this thread, my mind went to this same place, Circe. I would say, not even then, however. There are other ways to die at one's own hand that do not require sharp objects. When people become desperate enough in jails and mental hospitals, they find them. I would rather find one of those, I think, than face the consequences of doing the deed under discussion! You do have a way with words, though! You keep me on my toes!

Deb

 

[Enerchi]

Re: Telling my future SIL

I'm long past my wedding day, so issues like this are no longer in my memory bank, but this girl seems to have a long history of manipulation and getting away with things. AT some point, someone (maybe you, maybe NOT you) has to stop this train wreck from all the damage she seems to inflict in her wake.

Rude comments about your relationship, pregnancy, what she will and won't do/wear... ya... I'd have had enough of that crap long ago.

Maybe this is the perfect moment to just go all 'BRIDEZILLA/POSTAL' on her and say what you feel. And I also think - this is not just about a girl who is heavy and wants to wear a size 8 label. This seems, to my "untrained outside observer eye", to be a whole backlog of emotion coming to the forefront, and the dress size is a manifestation of frustrations for you.

Sometimes the universe offers you opportunities and you just have to grab them when they come up ... just sayin....

 

[momhappy]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Hhmmm... Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't choose my wedding as a venue for family drama.
Order an 8, a 10, and a 12 and let her squeeze into what she can squeeze in to - I would be willing to bet that she's not squeezing in to the 8 and then your problem is solved.
I feel for ya' Niel and I truly do hope that you can somehow resolve the situation. It's your special day and you should enjoy it

 

[marymm]

Re: Telling my future SIL

OP - are you actually ordering and purchasing the bridesmaid dresses for all your attendants? If so, then order/buy the size that makes sense to you and have it delivered directly to the tailor in your FSIL's area with whom you have pre-arranged to handle any necessary tailoring - when it arrives at the tailor's, let your FSIL know it is there and give her a fixed time period during which she must visit that tailor in order to try on the dress and have the tailor make note of the necessary alterations - let her know if she doesn't visit the tailor during that time period, the alterations to custom-tailor the dress to her will not be completed in time for your wedding, and without the dress she will not be part of the wedding party.

If FSIL is responsible for purchasing the dress, then leave the whole thing in her hands. I would gamble she has years of experience wearing too-small/too-tight clothing. If she orders a too-small dress, so be it. If she can't actually zip it up, then she will not be in the wedding party. If her dress appearance is not to your preference, well, you already knew that going in.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Telling my future SIL

marymm has given the short and succinct version....and I agree.

 

[Rhea]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Why can't she be in his wedding party?

It's probably too late to ask this... but does she have to be in your wedding? In reading your description about your interactions and general relationship I don't feel as though she is someone that should necessarily be in your wedding party. That being said, family dynamics are what they are, so if she *has* to be in the wedding, I totally get it.

Yes I didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. But family dynamics and all.

She actually asked my SO if she could be in HIS wedding party, as well as asked if she could give a speech at our wedding

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Why can't she be in his wedding party?

It's probably too late to ask this... but does she have to be in your wedding? In reading your description about your interactions and general relationship I don't feel as though she is someone that should necessarily be in your wedding party. That being said, family dynamics are what they are, so if she *has* to be in the wedding, I totally get it.

Yes I didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. But family dynamics and all.

She actually asked my SO if she could be in HIS wedding party, as well as asked if she could give a speech at our wedding

It just annoyed me that she would ask to stand up on his side, I mean who asks, and why skip over my side and strait to his. We hadn't asked anyone yet so why make it awkward. And she had asked to give a speech at the same time she asked to be in our wedding, so it came off as asking to be his best man....Its not because she is a female, it was just weird to ask that question.

 

[mrs jam]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Yikes. I'm so glad neither of my brothers had bitchy brides.

 

[Niel]

Re: Telling my future SIL

Yikes. I'm so glad neither of my brothers had bitchy brides.

ok.....