Struggling with the sudden death of someone dear to me

[OreoRosies86]

Yesterday I was getting ready for work when I received a phone call. I was told that a person close to me and her daughter had died in a fire, and that there were no other details. The news nearly knocked the wind out of me. Mr. Elliot and I couldn't do anything but hug each other and I went to work in a total daze.

As the day progressed, more details emerged. Their deaths are now being investigated as a homicide. They were brutally murdered and their house set ablaze because someone wanted to steal her car, which was found abandoned a few miles away.

I have dealt with loss before as we all have, but it was loss that "made sense." Someone was old, or sick, or there was an accident. This... I can't process it. She was a lovely person. Beyond lovely. She devoted her life to children. She was so happy and lively, a chatterbox who loved making jewelry and walking her dog. As of now it appears this was a random thing, someone chose a house and it was hers.

I don't want to put up our Christmas tree. I don't want to decorate or do much of anything really. I find myself crying at random times. Yesterday I left flowers at the place where we had so many wonderful talks. I could do nothing else, and now it seems so silly and insignificant.

This just wasn't supposed to happen. She should be wearing one of her tie-dyed tee shirts and listening to Christmas carols right now. Her daughter should be looking forward to school vacation. It is a nightmare we can't wake up from.

 

[Cozystitches]

Hugs to you. I don't know what else to say as I've never experienced this, but hugs

 

[chrono]

I am so very sorry; not wanting to get into the Christmas celebrations is perfectly normal as your mind is wholly occupied with this sudden senseless murder.

 

[momhappy]

Hugs to you and I'm sorry for your loss. I know that it's difficult, but I would recommend putting up your tree/decorations anyways in an effort to maintain a sense of normalcy/routine (while still allowing yourself some time to grieve). Again, I am very sorry for your loss...

 

[rainydaze]

Dear Elliot,

My heart goes out to you. What an overwhelming tragedy. I am wishing you strength and support in the days, weeks, years to come.

 

[yssie]

Oh... dear lord.

Elliot, I'm so, so, so sorry

I lost a dear friend several years ago... he got very sick suddenly, because of something very preventable. His subsequent passing wasn't a surprise, but it took me a long time to come to terms with it.

No-one should ever have to deal with a tragedy like what you've described ::HUGS::, ::HUGS::, and more ::HUGS:: to you and your DH. Please do whatever you need to do today - cry, scream, talk, leave flowers in all the places that remind you of her and her daughter - letting yourself do things that help you cope right now, and soon, I hope, bring you some measure of peace and healing are not in any way silly or insignificant.

Please check in with us over the day, I'm going to be thinking about you! More ::HUGS::...

 

[Dee*Jay]

Elliott, my friend, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and the details are just horrible. We are here for you. I know there's a limited amount we can do on the internet but if you want to "talk" we will listen. Biggest hugs to you.

 

[TooPatient]

Elliott, big hugs.

A classmate was murdered in high school and that was a huge shock even though I only sort of knew her. I have lost family to murder (not a close relative), car accidents, and sudden illness/suicide.

Losing them so quickly. So randomly. It just is a whole different thing from an illness where you know it is coming. (not that knowing makes it easier, just different)

Please take some time for yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Get angry. Focus on working through your emotions. Help her family.
There is time to deal with the rest of life later. Give yourself a few days (or even a week) to just grieve and then put up your tree and keep going.


Sending you and her family lots of hugs through this difficult time.

 

[WinkHPD]

I would like to echo the thoughts already presented.

So often there is no immediate help that we can provide, but we do want you to know that we care. Our hearts are heavy for your loss.

Wink

 

[Calliecake]

Oh Elliott, I am so so sorry. The circumstances of their deaths is horrible and so senseless. I think the grief you are feeling will be somewhat different than with a natural cause death. The fact that someone intentially hurt this woman and her daughter is heartbreaking and with that comes anger. When we lose some who has died of natural causes we generally don't have to deal with feelings of anger too. I wish there was somehow I could make you feel better. Please know I am here to offer support if you need any in the coming weeks and months ahead. This will probably haunt you long, long time.

 

[movie zombie]

sorry for your loss, Elliott.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi.

I think overwhelming is the right word to describe what you must be going through. Hang-in there Elliot.



annette

 

[OreoRosies86]

I am glad I have this outlet here to just get it out and work through how I feel. Which is unbelievably sad and angry. She and her daughter, as I learned at the press conference today, died in an extremely violent and terrifying way. Watching her coworkers' faces today and the tears and sadness was very upsetting. I'm going to turn off the tv and go snuggle with the cats. Thanks all.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I can't offer anything but a gentle cyber hug. Hoping you take good care of you during this very painful loss.

 

[tyty333]

I am so sorry you are having to make sense of such a tragedy. These are the worst to me. You're right about it not making sense.
How could anybody kill someone over a car? Yes, I know it happens I just don't understand why someone cant figure out how to
steal a car without having to kill someone (much less two people).

Big hugs...things like this turn our world upside down and it's hard to re-right ourselves. Try to stay involved in the holiday season.
Maybe do something that is more meaningful like donate your time to a food kitchen or make some donations to a homeless shelter.
Try to find something to do that helps you feel more "grounded" in the world.

Wishing you peace in the coming days and months.

 

[Ally T]

Oh my goodness, this is so shocking & upsetting!

I can't add anything here other than to echo what others have said. Take time for yourself & do WHATEVER you feel you need to in order to make some sense of this horrible & vile situation.

Big hugs to you.

 

[Gypsy]

OMG. How awful. I can totally see how that would be an overwhelming and terrible suprise.

Much love to you and DH.Take care of yourselves and each other.

 

[LLJsmom]

I am so sorry Elliot. This is horrible and so very wrong. Words cannot describe. (((hug))) I'm so sorry...

 

[diamondringlover]

I am so sorry for your loss

 

[Rena7]

I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug in person. I wish I could say something to make you feel better as well. Take care of yourself.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I did some little things today, I needed to get off the couch and comb my hair, eat something, get outside. I went to the DMV which was oddly calming (usually not the case). I did a little grocery shopping, hung stockings, put up the tree. I dissolved into tears quite a few times, particularly when penning an impact letter to our Chief of Police. Things continue as normal and then it strikes into your heart. I hate being angry and bitter. I hate the evil in this world. I used to think people are generally good, but now I just don't.

 

[marcy]

Elliot, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you a big cyber hug.

 

[lyra]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sudden losses where there is no closure is so hard on loved ones and friends. Just take your time. Take care.

 

[monarch64]

How terrible. Elliott, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

Don't worry about the tree or whatever you usually do this time of year right now. Allow yourself time to process what has happened and just don't worry about doing things or not doing them. All the "stuff" can wait.

*long paragraph with words that just reiterate what others have said* *other awkward remarks since retracted because what is there to say.*

I hope you can find solace and peace someday. I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I really want to reach through the screen and just hug the crap out of you. I loved your Oreo thread and didn't have anything to contribute but have admired you from afar just because you are a lover of animals and I think you're an A+ person. Thank you for being part of PS and I hope you feel comfortable here always.

 

[missy]

Elliott, I am so sorry. Dealing with such a tragedy is something nobody should have to go through and that poor family. My heart cries for them and goes out to you and your loved ones as well. I am sending gentle hugs to you and your family and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[OreoRosies86]

These thoughtful and caring responses are so appreciated. Thank you.

As of last night the "man" (I couldn't classify him as human or animal.... demon, maybe) was apprehended by our outstanding police department. I plan to follow this closely in the coming months. The best thing in the world has been talking to the people who knew and loved them. The funny stories, the good memories, the "remember the time..." stories. There have been a lot of tears and raw emotion. I just can't stress enough how loved she was and how much good she brought to this world.

Her daughter was adopted from Russia and her mom went through so much to bring her to the states, raise her to be a lovely young woman. She participated in dance, theater, music, and was so creative and talented.

My dear friend devoted her life to children with special needs. There were children who were so delayed and she just... got them. She understood them and worked tirelessly to unlock their true selves and potential. There are been so many families changed for the better because she was in their lives, and future families who have been robbed of her care and compassion.

There are bad, bad people in this world. All we can do is try to be the good people.

 

[missy]

Elliot, thank you for updating us. What happened to your friends is haunting and terribly tragic. It reminds me in a way of another haunting and tragic murder that I cannot forget that took place in Connecticut in 2007. You write about the world having monsters in it and I agree completely. The murderer(s) who committed these crimes embody the very core of the meaning of what it is to be a monster. It is terrifying to think what your friends went through. And same with this family in Connecticut. Again I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts and hugs your way. I am so sorry.

http://www.crimelibrary.com/notorious_murders/mass/cheshire-murders/2.html

 

[momhappy]

I recognized the incident and heard this morning that he was apprehended. How very tragic and senseless - my mind can't comprehend the lack of care for human life… I'm so, so sorry for your loss Elliott. I, too, will continue to follow this story. Sending you more hugs.

 

[missy]

I recognized the incident and heard this morning that he was apprehended. How very tragic and senseless - my mind can't comprehend the lack of care for human life… I'm so, so sorry for your loss Elliott. I, too, will continue to follow this story. Sending you more hugs.

Yes, it is hard to fathom. There is pure evil in the world and these murderers embody that 100%.

 

[Calliecake]

Elliott, Your friend sounded like a warm, wonderful woman. The type of person that probably would have helped this man if he had asked her for help. What a relief to the community that the monster who committed this crime off the street. I'm sure the next few days will be rough as you process what has happened and the shock of the situation begins to wear off. I'm so sorry honey. I can feel your pain In your words and it breaks my heart. I so wish the world was as safe as the life we try to create for ourselves. Being this close to incidents like this can really shatter our perception of the world we live in even though we know that terrible things happen to people all the time. I know this hurt you to your core Elliott.

Please take good care of yourself In the coming days. We are all here if you need us Elliott. (((HUGS)))