So upset. Neighbor came on to me.

[soocool]

I know lots of people in my neighborhood as I have lived here 20 years and I see them quite often as I walk my dog a couple of times a day. They re usually walking their dogs as well and I usually chat with them. There is this one guy who walks his white lab and for the past few months he has let his dog play with mine on my lawn ( i have let other dogs in my neighborhood as well play with mine and have watched a few of them while their owners have been away. So nothing strange there) This guy and I converse, but it is usually about our kids and the dogs. My DH has talked to him. Couple of times in the past he has commented on how I look and I was flattered. But other neighbors, male and female, have often given me compliments.

A few months back he made an off comment to me and then said something about how he nd his wife argue all the time. I made it a point to say how well DH and I get along after knowing each other for over 30 years and perhaps marriag counselling would help them. i told DH
what he had said to me and that I felt uncomfortable around him. I could not get rid of him as I was walking back to my house and he was walking the same way. After that I have tried to walk my dog after he has walked his ( he lives around the corner from me) or DH walks with me when he can so I can avoid this guy. If I see him down the block I walk the other way only because I have to take the dog out otherwise I would wait until he is gone before walking the dog. I am afraid that if I am on the lawn or in the backyard he will just let his dog offleash so he can talk to me.

So today, unfortunately, I encountered him. His first comment was "Looking good " and stupid me thought he was talking about my dog since he just got groomed. He asked if my DD was back at school and that his DD just finished grad school and was looking for a job. He tried engaging me in more conversation, but I told him I was in a rush to run some errands. He then said, "you're looking really really good" and I asked him if he was talking about the dog and he said no. I know that I had a really pissed off look on my face and just started to walk away and he ended with that if I was ever alone and wanted company to let him know. I turned and told him that DH is the only company I ever want.

I called my sister immediately after and told her the latest. She said that his comment was only to see if I was interested. But I am mad at myself for not saying more. Should I try to avoid him completely or tell him that he is being totally inappropriate and I do not want to interact with him ever again?

The interesting part is that I a not someone in my 30s, 40s, but in my late 50s. My sister jokingly said that I should be flattered, but I am really unnerved by all of this.

 

[azstonie]

Its not flattering to be hit on by a neighbor who also knows your husband. He's hoping for some purely recreational sex with the added bonus of throwing your husband into the gutter too. He's kicking it old school and lazy school by just asking for sex. 9 out 10 women will say no in various ways but the 10th, well that is why he does it like this. You have to wonder how many women in your neighborhood or in his work environment got this treatment too, LOL.

This guy finally got direct with you; why not return the honesty:

"It doesn't matter how I look, I am not interested in having sex with you. My husband is not casual about this kind of thing so I'd keep a low profile around here for awhile."

BOOM,walk off, you don't care about word 1 from Mr. HoBag.

 

[movie zombie]

he is intimidating you and that may be enough of a "win" for him.
changing your lifestyle re your dog is also a win for him.
and while in some ways your sis is right that it is complimentary "at your age", it is also a sign that he is a bully.
bullies only understand one thing: direct stop it.
your other alternative is a restraining order which is better than nothing I suppose.

again, the only thing a bully understands is a direct message: STFU comes to my mind as well as GTF off my lawn before I call the police. this, of course, after telling him bluntly and directly that you do not appreciate his comments and he is out of line.

sorry but only you can handle this one.

 

[distracts]

I think you made it clear that you are not interested. Don't worry that you did not say more. If he asks again, be more direct. But it is possible that he has already gotten the message. What a creep!

 

[kenny]

Got Mace?

Be prepared for next time.
He won't fcvk with you any more.

 

[momhappy]

You should be unnerved. It's not flattering when someone who you've clearly given the "I'm not interested" signals to, still proceeds to make a pass at you. It would be different if you hadn't given him any signals, but you did (talking about your good relationship with your DH, giving him the evil eye, etc.). He's a creep and I would avoid him like the plague. If you have the misfortune of running into him again, I would continue the evil eye and if he tries to engage in conversation, you need to be more direct (by telling him something like, "I was offended by your last conversation with me and I have no intention of speaking with you any more.") and then just walk away. I'm sorry that happened to you

 

[missy]

soocool, I am really sorry this happened and it sucks. I agree with the other posters in that he is a big bully and it is not flattering. I don't know what advice to give you except to say that I think you handled the situation well as it is not easy to think in the heat of the moment sometimes when the situation is so stressful. I wonder what your dh will say or want to do. The thing is you don't know if this guy has mental problems so I would hesitate having your dh confront him as maybe you have already deterred him with your comments today.

If he persists I might be tempted to go to the police and report harassment but I only think you can be successful with that if he touches you and then it would be an assault. And hopefully it won't come to that. My gut says don't do anything more as what happened today might be sufficient and if it is not then you can have your dh approach him. (((Hugs))) and good thoughts being sent your way.

Oh and maybe it is a good idea to carry a small can of mace just in case. Good idea Kenny.

 

[NOYFB]

If that happened to me, I'd tell my DH and that creep would be sorry he ever spoke to me in the first place.

 

[jaysonsmom]

If that happened to me, I'd tell my DH and that creep would be sorry he ever spoke to me in the first place.

Yup, my husband has collared a guy (ex-coworker we ran into) and yelled in his face at a restaurant. Told him if he didn't leave me alone, he'd never see the light of day again.

 

[yennyfire]

Ugh, how creepy! I'm so sorry that he's put you in this position! Good for you for standing up to him! I think you said what needed to be said and if he persists, I'd tell him that if he doesn't leave you alone, you will call the authorities. No one should feel intimidated in their own neighborhood!

 

[athenaworth]

You made it pretty clear that you were irritated with his advances. I'm with MZ, don't change your routine just because this guy is a douche. If it ever does happen again, have something prepared to say to him to set him on the straight and narrow.

 

[soocool]

Thanks everyone! I am feeling a bit better after speaking to DH. We decided that neither one of us will speak to him so gets the message.

I did tlk to the police a little while ago about this and they can do nothing unless he touches me and then it would have to be in front of witnesses with my protest. They could just speak to him to scare him into leaving me alone, but DH and I don't know him well enough to know if he would retaliate for sending the police over there. I also told my neighbor about him so she said she would watch if he ever approaches me again (I have her on speed dial).

I do carry pepper spray with me just in case I ever encounter a loose animal that is ready to pounce on my dog (it has happened in the past), but the officer said the guy could press charges against me if I used it on him.

I think he will get the message when I stop acknowledging him in any way and if he doesn't I will tell him directly. I don't want to say anything to his wife. I never see her and the most we ever say to each other is "Hi".

 

[Gypsy]

I guess I don't see why you are so unraveled by this. It really seems to be bothering you, and everyone else seems to see something there. But I'm missing it.

No one can make you cheat. And no matter what this guys says, he's not a threat to your marriage. Because you and your DH would have to LET him be a threat. And you won't do that.

Unless you are getting a 'stalker/rape' vibe off the guy-- in which case trust your gut-- it sounds like he's just feeling you out. Just be firm and direct ans say, " Listen, here's the thing: I am happily married, and your comments have made me uncomfortable. I am happy to speak to you and be friendly when I see you around the neighborhood, but there is a line there and I expect you to respect that and not cross it with me again. Thank you for your understanding." And then just leave it at that. If doesn't respect the boundary... then avoid him and put him on the "Creepy guy list." If he does respect it, great.

 

[soocool]

I guess I don't see why you are so unraveled by this. It really seems to be bothering you, and everyone else seems to see something there. But I'm missing it.

No one can make you cheat. And no matter what this guys says, he's not a threat to your marriage. Because you and your DH would have to LET him be a threat. And you won't do that.

Unless you are getting a 'stalker/rape' vibe off the guy-- in which case trust your gut-- it sounds like he's just feeling you out. Just be firm and direct ans say, " Listen, here's the thing: I am happily married, and your comments have made me uncomfortable. I am happy to speak to you and be friendly when I see you around the neighborhood, but there is a line there and I expect you to respect that and not cross it with me again. Thank you for your understanding." And then just leave it at that. If doesn't respect the boundary... then avoid him and put him on the "Creepy guy list." If he does respect it, great.

I guess I just don't know how far this guy will go. My DH travels a lot and I am home alone. Do all guys you say no to really listen? I have no idea because I have never been in this situation before and don't know what this person is capable of. I am trusting my gut and this guy is definitely on my "creepy guy list" and I will avoid him at all cost.

Also, I will be 58 in a few months. He is younger than me. I think that is creepy ( in my mind anyway).

 

[innerkitten]

Ick. I had a similar experience about six months ago with a neighbor that lives around the corner. As I was walking past I smiled and said hello and he said softly " nice a**". I was shocked at how rude he was. After that I ignored him every time I saw him which luckily is only about once every couple of months. Recently I saw him and he was very polite. I guess he got the message.

 

[Gypsy]

I am an advocate of trusting your gut. If your gut is saying creepy then trust it. You are probably picking up on something subconsciously that you can't articulate. And that's something you should always trust.

When I was in my first week as freshman in college I had a strange encounter with some guys at my first frat party my new roommates dragged me to. There was nothing I could articulate, and my roommates thought I was a buzzkill and they were right there witnessing it, but I was unsettled by the encounter. So I trusted my gut and left the party and went home. It was later revealed that the fraternity members had used those parties for choosing girls, taking them into private rooms on false pretenses then locking the girls up and sodomized them.

Always trust your gut.

 

[Calliecake]

I'm sorry your dealing with this creep. I think it was a good move that you spoke to the police. At the very least it's on record that this guy makes you uncomfortable. In fact I'd tell the police that you want it on record. Just in case the guy were to do something crazy in the future. If it were me I'd do my best to avoid him because you don't know what he is capable of. I would not engage in small talk with him and if you happen to run into him, keep walking. I think by continuing to talk to him he thinks his behavior is fine. If he said anything else I tell him to leave you alone in a firm voice and get the heck away from him. I know others are telling you not to avoid him. I look at it differently. Trust me, It's much easier to avoid the guy then deal with everything you'd have to go thru if he truly is a nut case. Unfortunately there really is no way to know if the guy is dangerous or harmless. Trust your gut. It sounds to me like he frightens you.

 

[distracts]

I am 100% with Gypsy on Always Trust Your Gut with regards to things like this. I am almost certain we've both recommended the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Good read. Good info.

 

[arkieb1]

Given the fact that you are sometimes on your own then I agree with the others trusting your gut is wise. If you think there is something odd going on about the guy I believe you. Avoid him all together or walk the dog with your husband, neighbour or friends if you can't.

 

[caf]

My 2 cents - Take your phone with you when you walk your dog. If he approaches you and starts talking, turn on your phone video camera and let him see and know you have it on.

Having your phone also permits you to call your husband, another neighbor, etc. if you feel unsafe.

And I kind of disagree about not changing what you do. If seeing him bothers you, I would avoid him and walk the dog at another time or take a break from your neighborhood and take the dog to the park. Or have someone walk with you for awhile.

 

[Mia16]

Very sorry to hear this!
You have done the best you can by letting your local police know about this.
'I' would find his wife's number and have her on speed dial for next time. Nothing......nothing works better than a MAD wife [believe me].

 

[ckrickett]

I am going to agree with everyone and say definitely trust your gut. Is there anyway you can hire a dog walker for when your husband is out of town?

 

[OreoRosies86]

I don't involve my SO in most things because I think it is lame when guys get all "Don't touch my woman" but this person sounds really creepy and your husband is away a lot, so I definitely get why you're upset. If you've already given his info to police, even if they can't really do anything without him making physical contact with you, he is at least on their radar. It might be a good time to invest in some motion triggered flood lights and an alarm system if you haven't already!

 

[stracci2000]

I wonder if this guy even knows that he has upset you. I think some men act this way because they are always on the prowl and looking for prospects. He has given you vibes that he has evil intentions and might harm you. But maybe he acts like this around women often. You don't know him, and maybe this is normal behavior for him. Surely he is a complete jerk.
I have worked in retail al long time. I have dealt with many repeat customers in my store that have been inappropriate or downright rude to me. I don't think that they even gave a second thought that they have unnerved or alarmed me, to the point that I am running and hiding in the back room till they leave the store, and looking over my shoulder in the parking lot.
Of course, since he has been forward with you, and knows where you live, you need to be cautious. Hopefully he is just an a$$hole and will go away since you told him you aren't interested.

 

[Gypsy]

Very sorry to hear this!
You have done the best you can by letting your local police know about this.
'I' would find his wife's number and have her on speed dial for next time. Nothing......nothing works better than a MAD wife [believe me].

Okay so. I am generally a pro-confrontational person. But I have one rule: "Don't mess with the crazy." If this guy is creepy and something is off, I would not put myself right in the center of a bulleye with my name on it by involving his wife. No. You have no idea if SHE is sane, or what her damage is. And you have no idea how he will react to this.

Just... Don't. Piss. Off. The. Crazy.

 

[momhappy]

^Agreed. There is no way I'd engage the wife in the already uncomfortable scenario. I would simply avoid him whenever possible from here on out. Bring your cell phone on dog walks and you can always call someone (or even pretend to) and then you don't even have to talk to the guy because you're obviously busy/on the phone.

 

[Calliecake]

Very sorry to hear this!
You have done the best you can by letting your local police know about this.
'I' would find his wife's number and have her on speed dial for next time. Nothing......nothing works better than a MAD wife [believe me].

Okay so. I am generally a pro-confrontational person. But I have one rule: "Don't mess with the crazy." If this guy is creepy and something is off, I would not put myself right in the center of a bulleye with my name on it by involving his wife. No. You have no idea if SHE is sane, or what her damage is. And you have no idea how he will react to this.

Just... Don't. Piss. Off. The. Crazy.

+1000. Please take Gypsy's advice above. You have no idea what this guy is capable of. Your well being is the most important thing. Please remember that.

 

[soocool]

Thanks everyone! I have not encountered the creep since last Thursday, but he did walk past my house yesterday walking his dog. My DH waited until he went around the block before going out.

I have decided to totally ignore the scumbag. He should get the message. I have spoken to his wife a couple of times in the past, but I am not getting in the middle of their marital problems, so I am not approaching her. All I know is that he does not work and the wife does and their 2 adult children live with them.

I am very friendly with the couple who lives across the street from him and if I continue to have problems I will approach them about him. They may know stuff about him that I don't. This situation is so tricky, because I have lived in this somewhat rural area for 20 years and really like it here. I have no idea how long this creep has lived here. Unfortunately, I feel that I have to change my routine in order to feel safe going out now. I spend lot of time outside on my patio or deck and I used to feel that I had some privacy, but now I am not so sure. My sister has offered to come over more often and I will most likely walk the dog with her or with one of my neighbors.

I will keep you all apprised of the situation as the week progresses.